


Life Is a Collaboration

by DragonWarbler



Series: Life Is a Collaboration (story + extra scenes) [1]
Category: One Direction (Band), Shawn Mendes (Musician)
Genre: Barebacking, Canon Compliant, Canon Divergence, Coming Out, Dildos, Edgeplay, Flashbacks, Illuminate World Tour, Kink Negotiation, Kissing, Light D/s, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Minor Nick Grimshaw/Louis Tomlinson, Pining, Rimming, Secret Relationship, Sex Toys, Shiall, Shower Sex, Skype Sex, Touring, slight exhibitionism, up to February 2017
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-07
Updated: 2018-09-26
Packaged: 2018-09-30 12:16:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 46
Words: 195,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10162835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DragonWarbler/pseuds/DragonWarbler
Summary: It takes Louis teasing him to get Niall to open his eyes and reflect on his new budding friendship with Shawn Mendes. Niall is convinced that it's nothing out of the ordinary but maybe it's been something there all along. Maybe what he thought was nothing has the potential to turn into something or maybe it already has without him even realizing it. Louis unknowingly sends Niall on an emotional journey filled with discoveries of love and navigation towards a happy ending he had never envisioned for himself but when it's there he never wants to lose sight of.Or Shawn and Niall fell in love with each other the first time they met it just takes a while for them to realize and come to terms with what they feel and want.





	1. It´s Nothing

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/151679116@N03/36517107362/in/dateposted-public/)

**Chapter 1: It´s Nothing**

Niall was sitting on a couch backstage staring at his phone which had been unchanged for the last five minutes. Louis was off talking to someone on the other side of the room about a cake anyway so it was not like he had anything better to do even if he would have been able to steer his eyes away from the screen of his phone.

The twitter conversation he had had with Ben Winston last week had mostly been for fun and he had not really planned on going to _The Late Late Show_ or going out with them partying afterwards. Niall was glad he went in the end after all, it was nice even if there hadn´t been much time for him and Louis to hang out, with him preparing for the performance.

It was extra nice being there just as support and not to perform, Niall loved performing but it was nice being able to just relax for once. He always got terribly nervous, especially before TV performances.

He saw Steve wave at him coming from the corridor leading to the dressing rooms, Niall waved back and smiled but was soon distracted by his phone vibrating in his hand.

His smile that was still lingering only widened when he saw that the text he had just received was from the one person he had hoped it would be. Niall had been staring at his phone for minutes thinking about sending him a text himself but hadn´t known what to say.

He chuckled at himself, why was he so nervous about starting a simple conversation with a friend. Shaking his head Niall opened the text.

_Shawn Peter Raul Mendes: I know I already told you but seriously man, thanks for yesterday. We´ll have to go golfing on a real course together someday._

Niall felt giddy for some reason. He hoped it wouldn’t be obvious with how fast he answered that he had been sitting with his phone hoping for Shawn to send him a text.

He wrote and then rewrote the reply a few times before hitting send. _Really_ _it was my pleasure bro, it was a lot of fun + would never turn down some pizza and beers with mates. Beats the Grammy´s any day of the week._

He hastily wrote a second text when he realised he hadn´t actually answered Shawn´s whole text. _We should definitely go golfing, I have one or two things I could teach you_ (;

He had sent it before he had realised exactly how that could be interpreted. Why had he attached a winking face emoji? Yes he had been teasing, Shawn had not had that bad a technique really but there were some hip exercises he would love to teach Shawn to help him improve his swing.

He wanted to burrow his face because Niall could feel how he was now blushing and Shawn´s reply didn´t help the matter.

_Shawn Peter Raul Mendes: Looking forward to it, hahaha ouch I was not that bad xD_

Niall felt eyes on him and looked up, Louis was standing just a few feet away and he was looking funnily at him. He had a mischievous glint in his eyes and an eyebrow raised as if he had caught Niall with a hand in the cookie jar. He also had his arms crossed over his chest looking at him a bit accusingly.

Niall squirmed in his seat on the couch, he didn´t have any reason to feel nervous, whatever Louis thought he was seeing was nothing and he just had to tell him that.

“Why didn´t you tell me?” Louis said with a teasing lilt to his voice but under the amusement he looked genuinely happy for some reason. Niall had a feeling it was not only because of the fact that they were seeing each other and hanging out again.

When Niall didn´t say anything Louis smirked and jumped onto the couch he was sitting on to try and grab the phone he was still holding in his hand.

Niall laughed at the surprise attack and rolled over instinctively holding the phone out of Louis’ reach. He looked over at Louis and frowned “tell you what exactly?” because Niall had no idea what the other lad could be thinking of. 

Louis just shook his head and tilted it to the side “seriously” he said and when Niall didn´t do anything in response he sighed “what or rather who that made you smile like that” he wriggled his eyebrows and laughed at the face Niall was sure he was making at the moment.

Instead of denying what Louis had just said he asked “how long had you been standing there?”

Louis shrugged in response and nudged his shoulder with Niall´s “so spill, who is this girl who has you all flustered huh”, he was looking expectant at Niall. It was true that if there had been a girl he had probably told Louis about it even before there had been anything to tell. But there was no girl this time.

“There´s no girl” he said but he could see that Louis was not convinced. There was no girl and Niall still didn´t know why Louis thought there was. The only one he had been texting with had been Shawn.

And Shawn was _definitely_ no girl. He suddenly got a flashback to when Shawn had been swinging the golf club yesterday. Seeing his hips turn and his muscles work, for an 18 year old he was definitely well trained. Niall was a little jealous actually, he had not been at all that fit at that age, he was still not that fit to be honest.

Louis chuckled and shook his head “that girl, the one you thought of just now, she has you whipped man and it seems like you doesn’t even know it.” Niall just blinked because that was ridiculous.

While Niall was distracted Louis smirked and once again dived for Niall´s phone succeeding to retrieve it this time. Niall didn´t have anything to hide but he still felt a bit embarrassed and exposed for some reason.

Louis looked excited for a second or so then his eyes widened and it was his turn to frown. Niall smiled in triumph. “I said there was no girl” Louis just kept looking at his phone though as if he wasn´t listening.

When he looked up he had a small grin on his face and his eyes were almost twinkling “Shawn Mendes” and Niall nodded and he couldn´t help smiling too.

“I knew you were friends, but I didn´t know you were _friends_ ” Louis singsonged the last word and Niall groaned. “Stop teasing, just because you thought Shawn was my mystery non-existent girlfriend” hearing that sentence come out of his mouth made Niall laugh because it was just such a strange thought to begin with.

Biting his lip Louis looked up, it seemed like he was refraining from saying what was on his mind. Instead he shook his head before a smirk was back on his lips

He threw an arm over Niall´s shoulders “not seeing you every day makes me have some teasing to catch up on, Niall “Neil” James Horan.”

“It´s nothing, we just clicked you know and it´s nice” he felt like defending his and Shawn´s fast developed friendship. It had been fast, in just a few months and a handful of meetings he already felt like their friendship had the potential to last a really long time and like he could trust Shawn.

Niall hoped the teasing would be over now, and he also hoped he would be able to get his phone back soon so he could text Shawn back.

Louis must have seen Niall looking at his phone because he said “just clicked hmm” and then he was texting away on Niall´s phone and before Niall had registered what was happening and had been able to snatch his phone back a text had already been sent.

He looked down on the screen with apprehension.

_To Shawn Peter Raul Mendes: pls take care of our Nialler ~ Louis T_

Niall made a noise in the back on his throat and squeezed his eyes tight shut. Louis was laughing hard almost rolling off the sofa. Niall took a deep breath, glared at Louis before doing damage control.

_Louis saw us texting and thought you were my girlfriend, god knows why haha_

It took only seconds before Shawn answered this time. _Shawn Peter Raul Mendes: hahaha I would be honored to be Mrs. Niall Horan_  

Louis must have been looking over Niall´s shoulder because before Niall had even finished reading the text Shawn had just sent Louis was humming the music that usually was accompanying the bride when the bride walked down the aisle at a wedding.

“I hear wedding bells” Louis was teasing grinning widely and Niall threw the phone aiming at Louis’ head but missed hitting the backrest of the sofa instead.

Someone walked over just then and told Louis it was time to get ready to take the stage and he got up and started to walk away. After taking a few steps he turned around and winked at Niall “I like Shawn, you guys have my blessing.” Louis’ laughter could be heard throughout the room as he made his way out into the studio.


	2. It´s Something

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Niall can't stop thinking about yesterday and has a flashback to when he and Shawn first met. He realizes something that turns his world upside down and calls Louis for advice.

**Chapter 2: It´s Something**

Niall was lying in bed later that night. It had been a really pleasant evening, he had had a lot of fun with Louis and Steve after the show. He had also talked with James and it had been a great day all around.

Louis hadn´t stopped giving him looks throughout the night however and every time Niall had looked at his phone Louis had raised his eyebrows sometimes wiggling them or giving him a knowing smirk. He had also made small comments about Shawn and asked him when Niall was planning on introducing him to Louis and the other guys.

Niall had laughed wholeheartedly and just shrugged it off. Louis was acting like he and Shawn were seriously dating instead of being friends and future collaboration partners. He had at the time taken it for teasing, Louis had always been fast to tease and milk a situation like this one so it had not really been out of the ordinary.

But now lying in bed he had to wonder if it was something more than that. If Louis was doing it not only to see Niall blush and laugh. Niall shook his head, Louis was just being his infuriating self, Niall loved him for it though. Louis was one of the few people that could get away with it and he knew it all too well.

Louis had thought there was something before he knew he was texting Shawn though, he had been so sure. Of course there was nothing there, but… Niall knew it was dumb but he couldn´t stop wondering.

People thought Louis was mostly a prankster that lived for adventure and having fun. What many people didn´t know was that he was also one of the most observant people Niall knew. Niall laughed quietly to himself, he was laying way to much thought into some light hearted teasing. His thoughts were all jumbled up in his head.

His phone buzzed on his bedside table and when he looked at it, he had to laugh again because it was from Shawn. Of course it was.

 _Shawn Peter Raul Mendes: Goodnight and happy Valentine’s Day_ **❤**

Niall just shook his head, he knew that there was nothing but he could maybe see why Louis thought their friendship a bit suspicious. He and Shawn sending each other goodnight texts was maybe a bit more than most friends did. It worked though and it was a very comfortable and natural friendship.

He knew that the heart emoji attached at the end were just because of the holiday but he still felt funnily looking at it. He was probably just tired it was late and he had had an eventful day with the radio interview before the _Late Late Show_ and then going out afterwards. All the thinking and teasing had scrambled his brain it seemed. 

He knew he should text Shawn back but he felt all his energy had run out and he decided that he would text him back in the morning instead.

So he turned off the light and cuddled down deeper in bed. The last thing Niall thought about before falling asleep was the heart at the end of Shawn´s text and unconsciously a small smile appeared on his lips.

**SHIALL**

When Niall woke up the next morning he stretched before reaching for his phone as he did every morning. He had another text from Shawn. He furrowed his eyebrows as he opened it wondering what it could be about as Niall still hadn´t answered the one from last night. 

 _Shawn Peter Raul Mendes: Always such a gentleman, btw I like chocolate haha_ (;

Niall was confused, maybe Shawn texted him by mistake. Did Shawn have a date or something tonight? He felt some unease at that thought but he couldn´t phantom why that was. He was about to send Shawn a text telling him that he should probably double check the receiver next time before sending texts when he remembered the interview.

Valentine’s Day were already over in Australia so the radio interview he had done yesterday was already out. Shawn was only teasing him about some of the questions he had been asked. He chuckled and was about to send a text back asking Shawn if he was keeping tabs on him. When a thought hit him that was slightly alarming but not at all impossible.

Instead of texting Shawn back he went back to his contacts and scrolled down until he found Louis’ name. He went right to the point. _Did you snatch Shawn´s number from me yesterday and are you guys ganging up on me??!_

When he didn´t get an instant replay he went about making breakfast, when he looked down at his phone again ten minutes later he had a new text from Louis.

_Lou: No, why? What did he say, now you have to tell me!!!_

Niall ignored Louis, he was not about to give him even more teasing ammunition. Instead he turned on the radio while he started eating his breakfast that he had prepared earlier.

The voice of the radio DJ for some music show came through as Niall relaxed in his seat at the table and started to eat not really listening to the radio, but it was nice having the noise making the house less quiet.

After a while _Half a Heart_ came on and Niall was unable to not sing along under his breath. Even after being on a hiatus for over a year from the band their music was still frequently played. When the music faded the DJ continued talking.

“The next love song wished by one of you listeners for today´s Valentine’s Day special is for everyone that is just falling in love, maybe for the first time. Here is Shawn Mendes with _Kid In Love_ followed by _Your Love_ with Little Mix.”

Niall felt like banging his head on the table, but ended up just laughing at the situation. It felt like the whole universe were teasing him by now. Before yesterday the thought of him and Shawn dating had never even crossed his mind. Then because of one misunderstanding it seemed everyone were now trying to remind him of a romance that had only ever been a concoction of Louis’ head.

Shawn´s voice filled the room as _Kid In Love_ started to play on the radio.

 _“I know that we just met_  
_Maybe this is dumb_  
 _But it feels like there was something_  
 _From the moment that we touched_  
 _'Cause, it's alright, it's alright_  
 _I wanna make you mine_

_The way you're lightin' up the room  
Caught the corner of my eye”_

As Niall listened to Shawn sing he couldn´t help but think back to when he and Shawn had first met, backstage on the _BBC Radio 1 Teen Awards_ a few months prior.

 _The reaction after he dropped his first single_ This Town _last month had been incredible. It felt amazing being back on the music scene after traveling and seeing the world on his terms instead of going around the world on tour not knowing where you were half of the time. He had done a TV performance already but this would be his first live arena performance. His first live solo performance._

_He was to open the show and it was a surprise performance, no one knew he was there. It was rather exhilarating actually, knowing that the screams from the audience would be just for him. The stage would feel big without the boys but there was something magical standing on a stage, just you and your guitar._

_When he had first auditioned for the X Factor all those years ago he had thought he was ready to be a solo artist, but he had not been ready before now. The years in One Direction had prepared him for this moment._

_A hand came down on his shoulder and he turned his head “Hi Niall, ready for the big surprise, you’re going to smash it out there” it was Nick Grimshaw the host for the night. He had not seen the man for a while and it was a bit weird to see him without his usual quiff, the short hair did suit him though._

_Niall smiled and nodded, he was a bit nervous it was a new first after all and it was a new experience having the stage all to himself. It didn´t help that his first performance was on Wembley of all places. He could hear the crowd and anticipation rising, he knew he was ready. “Let´s do this.”_

_The lights were dimmed as he made his way out there and to the lone mick in the middle of the stage. When people saw his silhouette and the intro started, the audience recognised him and his song, the volume rose and he was in his element, he had missed this. The adrenalin performing in front of a live crowd like this was something out of the ordinary. The sea of people waved their lightened up phones all around him creating a beautiful scenery. A few people even sang along at times._

_He played the last note and he could feel a smile taking over his face “thank you” Niall said before reaching his hand up in the air.  After that he talked with Nick for a bit about how it was different but fun doing it solo, before making his way off the stage._

_As he walked through the catacombs he was in his own thoughts, he felt euphoric as he suddenly collided with someone. He looked up, the guy he had stumbled into was maybe about half a head taller than Niall so he had to tilt his head slightly backwards to be able to look up at him._

_It was Shawn Mendes, and the guy smiled so wide at him it looked like his face would split in two. The smile took over his whole face even reaching his eyes. Niall was known for having a wide smile and an infectious laugh but it seemed he had nothing on Shawn. Everything suddenly felt brighter somehow._

_“Niall, I was hoping we would run into each other, it´s so nice to finally meet you” Shawn said as if Niall´s whole world had not just stopped turning. Niall didn´t do anything for a few seconds before he stuttered out “oh yeah… you too mate”, which felt very inadequate._

_He stuck out his hand thinking that even if his words were failing him he could at least give a sufficient handshake. Shawn shook his head though and instead enveloped him in a hug. Not a bro hug either, no one of those hugs that made you feel like you were drowning in warmth and that you wished could go on forever._

_It was a bit like hugging Harry, but not quite. When Shawn drew back Niall felt a little dazed. “Seriously it´s so nice to meet you, it feels like I already know you, you know” Shawn continued holding up conversation._

_It was true, he and Shawn had talked and texted before and it felt like for weeks now in every interview someone was asking them about the collaboration, which Niall was very excited about. So he nodded._

_Still feeling a bit out of it from the hug and familiarity of Shawn even if they had never met before, his brain didn´t filter and he just blurted out the first thing that came to mind. “I know what you mean, you are much more handsome in person though” Niall panicked slightly on the inside but relaxed when Shawn just laughed. Seemingly taken the comment as a joke._

_Niall studied him and had to conclude that what he had said was true, Shawn was more handsome in person. He had a presence and a natural grace and warmth about him that could not be showed to its full potential on a screen._

_Shawn gave him a smaller more private smile “I could say the same thing about you” he said which made Niall blush and look down at his shoes. He had been in a boyband for years and had had girls after him saying they loved him and wanted to marry him, an offhanded comment made teasingly from his new friend should not affect him like this. He put it down to being left over nerves from his performance earlier._

_A silence overcome them for a few seconds but it wasn´t uncomfortable. Niall stopped to really look at Shawn, he took in his kind light brown eyes. His hair was styled in a way making it seem un-styled but classy and natural. He had on a grey t-shirt and a darker open shirt on top._

_Shawn chuckled and Niall realized that he was staring and diverted his eyes. “I liked your performance I really enjoyed it, you have a great vibe” it seemed like Shawn was not going to let Niall´s cheeks go back to their normal colour._

_“Thank you, you are performing later too right?” he hadn´t stumbled over his words or said anything inappropriate so that was progress._

_Niall felt something stir in his stomach as Shawn smirked before replaying “later, saving the best for last” Niall couldn´t help the laugh that bubbled up at that. He wasn´t going to argue though, Shawn really was pure talent._

_He nodded with a smile “really looking forward to see you perform, I´ve heard you are incredible live”. The smirk from earlier was replaced by that soft smile again, “I could say the same thing after seeing you just now.”_

_Niall wasn´t sure how to respond to that so instead he just shrugged. He was used to compliments and had learned to appreciate them. But it seemed Shawn complimenting him and teasing him, because that was what this was right just some banter between friends, was a whole other matter._

_Feeling slightly off footed he smiled sheepishly “thank you, I hope you take home the awards, you´ve earned them”, he felt like a broken record starting all his sentences with a ‘thank you’._

_Shawn thanked him as well before excusing himself and walking away but not before giving him another hug and telling him how he hoped they would see each other again soon._

_Niall stood there just looking at the corner where Shawn had disappeared from view. He smiled to himself and shook his head ridding himself of the confusing thoughts. He wasn´t sure of what had just happened but he knew one thing, he hoped he would see Shawn again soon too._

The radio show he had been listening to was now over and instead there was a monotone voice reciting today’s weather forecast. Niall felt so stupid, how had he not seen it before now. How had he been so blind?

He wasn´t sure what to do, not only did he feel stupid, he also felt confused and uncertain. He had fallen in love with a guy without even realizing it, how did things like that even happen. He blinked at his own thoughts _fallen in love,_ was that really what this was.

He could see it now, the obvious signs of having feelings for Shawn that reached beyond friendship. The teasing he and Shawn did all the time, was not teasing at all it was _flirting._ He had been fliting with Shawn for _months_ and he had been none the wiser.

He couldn´t help but laugh at his own predicament. Who would have thought he would be the one sitting at his kitchen table confused over some guy. That was the other thing he had fallen for a guy. Maybe it was that part that made him blind to it all along, he didn´t have a problem with it. It was just… unexpected was all.

Contrary to popular belief no one in One Direction had hooked up with each other or had that kind of relationship. He had never had these kind of feelings for a bloke before, but Shawn was different, very different.

He needed to talk to someone he decided. If this was a surprise for him it would surely be a shocking revelation for anyone else too. Except Louis. Niall laughed again, Louis knew before he himself did.

He retrieved his phone and went to the coach in the sitting room before hitting Louis on speed dial. He held his breath as he waited for Louis to pick up the phone, two signals later and there was a crack and Louis’ amused voice came through.

“Oh Nialler, didn’t get enough of me yesterday?” Niall let out the breath he had been holding relived Louis was there. It seemed like Louis contemplated what to say next before settling on “you finally ready to tell me what Shawn said before?”

Niall wanted to say and ask so much more than that but the only thing that came out was “it´s something, all right, it´s something.” He wasn´t sure if he was saying it for Louis’ benefit or for his own.

Louis was silent on the other end, he could probably hear the desperation in Niall´s voice and knew that it was serious and that Niall had called for some emotional support. He really appreciated that with Louis, he could go from teasing to being serious in the blink of an eye and he could always feel when someone needed him to just be there and listen, without them needing to say so.

“You and Shawn?” Louis asked to clarify even if Niall was sure he already knew the answer to that question.

Niall took a deep breath, he had only figured it out ten minutes ago but as fogged as his brain had been to his own feelings before as clear is was now. He just didn´t know how to feel about it all or what to do about it.

“I´m… I´m in love with him Lou” he felt small confessing that to one of his best friends. It was the first time he had said it out loud to himself as well. The words felt strange on his tongue but they also felt right somehow and when he thought of Shawn that feeling of warmth filled him and he couldn’t help but smile. God how had he not known.

Louis hummed on the other end, he was probably nodding too. Niall was amazed sometimes how good they all knew each other even after spending some time apart. “I know.”

“Why didn´t you say something, why did you let me think it was just a misunderstanding?” Niall wasn´t sure if he would have believed Louis if he had pushed the subject of him and Shawn yesterday, probably not he decided. Had he been in denial?

“Some things you just have to figure out yourself” Louis said wisely.

Niall sighed, knowing what Louis’ answer would be to his next question before he even asked but having to ask anyway. “What should I do?”

“I can´t tell you that Niall, it´s one of those things you have to figure out on you own” Niall just closed his eyes for a few seconds.

If it had been a girl he would probably have been straight forward with her. He was not one to not go for it if he felt this strongly about someone. Shawn being well… Shawn made things a lot more delicate however and everything could go to shit in a number of different ways. For starters Shawn was straight, as in not into guys and Niall was a guy.

He most have voiced that thought outload, or Louis could read minds which would actually not surprise Niall in the slightest, because Louis chuckled. “You´re straight too right?”

Niall nodded “yeah…” then he thought about their current conversation and chuckled too. “Exactly” Louis said and Niall could hear him smiling.

Niall felt lost and was relieved when Louis sobered up again and said “listen man, it will work out and whatever happens I´ll be here.”

Niall was grateful and he voiced as much. He also just felt exhausted realizing you were in love with your friend would do that to you it seemed. Louis must have picked up on it and told Niall to keep him posted and call him anytime if he needed to talk before saying goodbye.

He sat on the coach for a while after that, before deciding to take a shower. He needed to clear his head even if you could argue that it was clearer than it had been in months.

He left his phone on the coffee table. The texts Shawn had sent him earlier still unanswered, he needed time to think.


	3. Something Big

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shawn reflect over his feelings for Niall. He had thought he was over his crush on him but...

**Chapter 3: Something Big**

Shawn was pacing, he knew it was ridiculous but he couldn´t help but feel restless and worried. It hadn´t even been a full day, 24 hours yet and still it was like something had shifted and was out of place.

He couldn’t recall the last time either he or Niall had not said good night or good morning to each other, it was weeks now maybe even months. It was midday and Niall had still not answered him from last night and neither had he answered the text he had sent him this morning.

Shawn had taken up his phone several times and had been so close to calling Niall to check on him, just to see if he was alright, nothing else.

He had known for weeks now that he had had some misplaced feelings for Niall, not something serious or that was what he had told himself at least. As it was Shawn started to doubt his own judgement.

He shouldn´t be this distressed over someone not answering a few texts right away and he wouldn´t have been if it had been anyone else other than Niall apparently.

It hadn´t been instant the attraction or at least he hadn´t been aware of it at first, the feelings had crept up on him and surprised him. But everyone had had some unexplainable crushes and Niall was just one of those, a friend you started to spend time with that your brain tried to make into something more than it really was.

He had been sure he was over it. He had just been confused and he had handled it and he had been sure those feelings had disappeared. That he had moved on from the crush he shouldn´t have had in the first place.

He almost jumped when his phone started to ring, he wouldn´t admit it even to himself but deep down he hoped it was Niall. It wasn´t just that he hadn´t answered Shawn´s texts, he was also… missing him. Which he knew was crazy, he had seen him only days before and it had only been radio silence for less than a day.

He picked up the phone without even looking at the caller ID. “Shawn, hi baby” his mum´s voice came from the other end, he could literally hear the affectionate smile even through the phone.

Even if his mum was not the one he had hoped would be calling, it was always nice talking to her, he always missed his family when he was away from them which was more often than not.

“Hi mum, how´s things at home?” he asked, relived to get some distraction from his earlier thoughts.

“Good, Aaliyah is being a regular teenager…” Shawn chuckled at that when he could hear his sister protesting in the background “I didn´t mean anything bad by it honey” his mum was saying to Aaliyah on the other side.

“Enough about us though, that was not why I called” his mother continued. Shawn furrowed his eyebrows, he didn´t know why she had called not that she needed a reason of course. “Why did you call, has something happened?”

Shawn realised he was still standing in the middle of the room, he made his way to the living room and sat down on the couch instead. “No, no I just wanted to check in with you after your surgery” they had talked afterwards but then he hadn´t felt that great, he was feeling much better now. “And with it being Valentine’s Day I just wanted to call and say how much I love you” his mum said affectionately.

Shawn felt warmth spread inside his chest even if it was a little chilly in the room and he had not put on socks yet, he curled his legs under himself. He smiled “love you too mum, and you know I´m fine” he added because he knew fine would never cut it with his mum “I was a bit down after the surgery but a friend helped cheer me up.” And here he was thinking about Niall again, he couldn´t help but sigh.

His mum hummed “still broken hearted then” she said it like she already knew the answer.

Shawn groaned and his mum laughed which was not the reaction he had anticipated. “I don’t have a broken heart mum, I´ve told you I just had a stupid crush on someone” he drew his fingers through his hair.

He hadn´t told his family about Niall and his feelings that had been all over the place for the last few weeks. He had been at home when he had first realized that he did have a crush though. It wasn´t like one day he had no feelings at all for Niall and the next he woke up wanting to marry the guy, but he had been unable to stop thinking about him at the time.

Life was strange like that, one minute you weren´t even aware about something and then the next when you could see it, that something was taking over your life. You saw things that made that something stand out even more and you just couldn´t stop thinking about it or focus on other things.

His family had of course been able to see that something was occupying his mind. He had even sent two tweets about it, about how you should focus on what you were passionate about before you fell in love because when you did it would be impossible to focus on anything else. He wasn´t in love with Niall but if a crush had made it that hard to focus he could only imagine what it would be like if you had fallen for someone.

He had laughed when people had thought he had a girlfriend, because he was as single as ever. Then a few days later he had tweeted that he was going to get over something, well rather someone, before he wold be off to L.A. were he knew he would see Niall again and when that happened he could not still have the crush on him. 

He had thought he had done a good job too, he had been able to act normally around Niall and he had not been thinking about him all the time nor had he had any inappropriate thoughts about him so he had clapped himself on the shoulder for letting it go and avoid unnecessary awkwardness.

Aaliyah had called him out at dinner after those tweets, asking why he hadn´t told them he had been dating and teased that she could help him get over her. He had been unable not to blush given away that there was some truth in what she said. He had told his family that he had a crush but that it wasn´t anything serious and that even if he would want to date the person it was a million reasons why it wouldn´t work.

No one had said anything after that even though both of his parents had given him knowing smiles which Shawn had ignored at the time. Parents’ didn´t always know best, if he said it was only a crush it was only a crush.

“…earth to Shawn” he shook his head, he had forgotten he was on the phone with his mother. “You were thinking of your crush just now weren´t you” she said all too knowingly, it was not even a question.

He picked on a thread of his pants and sighed again. “You know love chooses you and not the other way around, you can´t make feelings go away just because you want them too” his mum said, and he knew she was right but he had thought he could supress them and that they would then go away on their own.

He had been pushing the feelings back until he had thought they were gone, now they were pulled back to the forefront of his mind again. And they were stronger than before, he had no control over his feelings, his feelings were controlling him.

Shawn knew there had been something for a while but that something was so much bigger than he had first thought. He could not only feel it as a thought that wouldn´t leave or a faint feeling in his chest, he could feel it all the way deep down in his bones. It was not just a fleeting feeling either he could tell that much, the feelings he had for Niall had never really left instead they had just gotten stronger.

He swallowed “if you can´t make them go away what do you do with them then?” He felt like someone had just stabbed him because this morning he had teased Niall about Valentine’s Day and now he was faced with the realization that his crush had turned into something bigger.

“Oh sweetheart, either you act on those feelings or you learn to live with them until they either dim or change into something else” his mum said which was not that comforting. He couldn´t act on them because for one thing he wasn´t ready to and even if he was Niall would in a best case scenario laugh it off and be flattered. He didn´t even want to imagine or think about a worst case scenario.

And they had already changed into something else, something bigger than before.

His mum sighed “you have grown up so fast” she said wistfully. “I need to go now honey, have some stuff to do before making dinner.”

“Okay mum, thanks for…” he knew he didn´t need to say anything else, she knew. “And say hi to dad and Aaliyah for me and wish them a happy Valentine´s Day.”

“I will baby and just let things happen, if it´s meant to it will, don´t overthink it.”

“Love you mum” he said and he truly did. “Love you too” she said and then the line went quiet.

**SHIALL**

Shawn was in the gym, he had learned that exercising was a great way to make yourself forget your problems and to be able to stop thinking if only for a little while.

He had already done some weight training, he had pushed himself to his limits and it had worked in making himself focus on something else than the hollow feeling that had taken up residence inside of him, which he now recognised as him missing Niall. The same feeling was there when he and Niall hang out too though, what they had was great but it just wasn´t enough. Not anymore, not ever.

He wanted to scream he was so frustrated. And miserable, he was in a gym on Valentine´s Day trying to understand his feelings for a guy he was already heartbroken over without them even ever being a thing in the first place. 

In an attempt to protect himself he had fooled himself into believing it hadn´t been something serious. He was starting to accept the truth however, it had never really been just an insignificant crush. He had been pining for Niall for weeks now probably even longer without him realizing it.

He wiped his face with a towel and took a long drag of his water bottle. Shawn made his way over to the row of treadmills lined up against one wall of the gym. He put his music on shuffle and started to jog on the treadmill. He had soon accelerated the speed and was now panting and sweating, letting his frustration out by physically pressing himself.

His mind was blank and the only thing he was focusing on was putting one foot in front of the other. He increased the speed again making it 13 miles/hour so that he had to almost sprint. He would not be able to run at that rate for a very long time but he needed this, he needed everything to come out of his system.

He cranked up the music in his ears so that it was almost making his head vibrate with the beat. Then he ran and ran and ran. After a few minutes the old Coldplay hit _Viva La Vida_ started and it took him back several years to when he had first seen Niall and even then there had been something special about him.

_Shawn was so excited he and his family were on vacation and they were in Great Britain, Europe. They had just gotten to their hotel room and was packing up their stuff. It was the second week of October and instead of being in school he was in London, they hadn´t even given him much homework._

_“It´s already after eight pm local time, you know what that means Aaliyah” their dad was saying. Shawn was twelve now so he didn´t need to go to bed yet for about two hours._

_Aaliyah was running around the small room “but daddy I´m not tired” she yelled giggling as she jumped up on one of the beds._

_That looked like fun so Shawn jumped up on one of the other beds in the room. It was really soft, staying at a hotel was so awesome. Their mum just smiled and shook her head._

_“I know it´s hard with the time difference but if you don´t go to bed you will be all grumpy in the morning and miss all the fun” she said._

_Aaliyah sighed “does Shawn have to go to bed too?” Shawn glared at her. “No I don´t, I´m five years older than you” and he stuck out his tongue for good measure._

_His dad sat down on the corner of the bed and gave him a reprimanding look “that was not very mature of you, maybe you should go to bed with Aaliyah tonight” Shawn pouted but his parents were immune to his puppy look. Aaliyah smiled wide in triumph only making Shawn scowl more._

_“Can I at least watch some TV before bed” Shawn asked petulantly. Aaliyah looked even more pleased because if Shawn got to watch TV she would too, they were all sharing the hotel room after all._

_“You may if you brush your teeth first, but only for little while” their mother told them._

_After brushing their teeth they changed into their pajamas’ and then laid down on their stomachs on the beds facing the TV. Aaliyah had been finished before him and had therefore taken the remote before he had even entered the room. If she would settle on some lame children’s show or a girly program he was so going to protest._

_When she stopped on a channel it seemed to be some singing competition. He liked music but the one performing at the moment was boring so he observed his surroundings and looked out the window instead, he couldn´t wait until he would get to explore tomorrow._

_He looked up when a voice announced “One Direction” and five guys took the stage starting to sing a Coldplay song he recognized. He watched them perform and couldn´t help but envy them, someday he wished to be just like them. They seemed to be no older than 18 at most and were already performing on TV, how cool wasn´t that._

_He watched them enthralled, so they were no Coldplay, not yet anyway but they had something interesting about them. Especially the guy in a black shirt and blond hair, Shawn found himself unable to look away from him. He seemed cool._

_When the performance was over he couldn´t help but ask “who was the blonde guy?” He was smiling where he was standing on the stage and it was almost impossible not to smile back. Aaliyah looked at him like he was stupid “duh, Niall, didn´t you watch the coverage” she furrowed her forehead before adding “he talked funny, funnier than the others.”_

_Their parents laughed at that “he´s Irish sweetie”, at that Aaliyah´s eyes widened and she almost shouted “he´s a leprechaun?” which made Shawn roll his eyes. His sister could be so childish sometimes and anyway it was obvious he wasn´t a leprechaun for one he didn´t have red hair and he was about the same size as the others._

_Shawn looked back at the TV and was disappointed when the group had now been replaced by the next act. “I thought he was cool” Shawn said and Aaliyah seemed to consider that before she responded with “I thought Harry was cute, he had dimples” as if that was a deal breaker._

_“Who?” he hadn´t really catched any of their names. “The one in a checkered shirt and with the coolest hair, it´s curly” Aaliyah informed him._

_Shawn was about to protest and counter with that Niall had the best smile and was definitely the charmer of the group but before he was able to his mom interrupted them being able to feel the argument coming. “I think all of them was both rather cool and cute, all in their own way” well okay, but Niall was still the coolest._

_“Time for bed now” their dad said and Shawn heaved a sigh but dutifully rolled over so that he could crawl down under the duvet and lay his head down on the pillow. It had been a long flight and when he stopped going on the adrenalin and excitement of the day he felt that he was actually rather tired. He fell asleep within minutes._

Shawn put his feet on the side of the running band of the treadmill before turning it off and letting it run to a stop. He was screwed and he had no idea what to do about it or how make it go away.

He wasn´t even sure if he wanted it to go away. Even if it would be easier if he didn´t feel the way he did, even if he was miserable having these feelings but unable to express them afraid of what would happen if he did.

He was also a little afraid of what this meant, he had been so sure of who he was of what laid ahead, he could be whoever he wanted and had though he had found himself. That he knew what he wanted his future to look like.

Now he was not so sure anymore. He knew what he wanted with his music, he loved what he was doing and he was grateful every day that he had the opportunity to do it for a living. But what did he want his life to look like beside the music. Did he want the feelings he had for Niall to go away or did he hope they would actually turn into something, something bigger than his imagination, something real and something tangible.

Not that it mattered because it would never lead anywhere. He was 18 and would find someone other than Niall, he would find some girl that could make him feel the way he felt when thinking about Niall. It would be easier.

What he felt for Niall was so much more than he had thought he was capable of feeling for anyone though. When he was 12 and had first seen him on that TV screen in a hotel room he had felt adoration, looked up to him and wanted to be just like him when he grew up. That adoration had later turned into admiration. It had always been there it had just developed, and now he found himself head over heels for him.

He laughed at himself, his younger self had not known it at the time but he had been right when he had thought Niall was a charmer. Or at least he had managed to charm his way into Shawn´s heart, and that without even trying. He felt it though, the presence there that was distinctively Niall.

He sighed, there would be another Niall he told himself, there had to be. He just had to learn how to live with the feelings and the knowledge how he felt for him without ever being able to share them.

Taking a deep breath he made his way into the showers and shed his clothes before closing his eyes and standing under the cold water spray. He just needed to keep going like he had been doing for the last few weeks. He could do that.

After he had redressed himself he picked his phone up, he had turned it off after the call with his mum. Turning it on again he instantly saw he had a text from Niall. He tried not to notice but a relieved feeling overcame him and he felt a small fluttering feeling. It was just a text damn it.

_Niall James Horan: Sorry, some stuff came up. Hope you´re having a great Valentine´s Day xx P.S. Don´t eat too many chocolate hearts (;_

He wanted to be angry at Niall, he had been distressed and anguished all morning and all Niall had to say was sorry and that some stuff came up but no further explanation. He _wanted_ to be angry but he couldn´t make himself, he was just happy to hear from him again.

Having Niall like this even if it wasn´t enough was better than not having him at all. He could do this he told himself again. He could do this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the lack of actual Shiall interactions in this chapter. I hope the little bit of cute 12 year old Shawn made up for it. Be patient, it will be a lot of Shawn and Niall together to come.


	4. "Not Really a Date" Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Niall and Shawn meet up for dinner and to hang out. Niall have decided to tell Shawn how he feels he's just waiting for the right moment.

**Chapter 4: “Not Really a Date” Date**

It had almost been a week since Valentine’s Day. He hadn´t seen Shawn since the night of the Grammy´s when they had gone out golfing. They had been supposed to meet up and go to the studio and work on their collaboration, Niall had been really excited about it. He had really been looking forward to writing with Shawn and to sing more together than just jamming at one of their houses. He had also really been looking forward to making their voices blend, making them sound like one.

If he couldn´t have Shawn in any other way he could at least have him musically where they would be able to make magic happen and audible sparks fly. Okay maybe he was exaggerating a little bit, but Niall really felt like what they could have both on and off stage was something special.

Shawn had texted the morning they were meant to meet however and told him that he was sick. So their collaboration work had had to be postponed. Niall had not only felt disappointment though, he had also been worried. Niall had never been a mother hen, he cared but he had never been the first person people turned to when they wanted to be taken care of. When Shawn said he was sick though, he had wanted to just drop everything and go and take care of him.

He had felt a desire to go there and make him chicken soup and cups of tea. He had wanted to be there and wrap him up in a blanket and sing to him until he fell asleep. If Shawn had just asked him Niall would have been there in a heartbeat. It was scary, he had never felt like this before like he would without a question of a doubt do anything for someone else. Like Shawn’s needs were bigger than his own, like he would always put Shawn above himself. He knew it was a bit bonkers but he felt unconditional love for Shawn, there was nothing he wouldn´t do for the other boy.

He had thought he knew what love was but he had never even scratched the surface before now. It was terrifying to be in this deep for someone that you would probably never be able to call yours. Someone that would never want to call you mine.

That was the thing though, probably. Niall didn´t know, not for sure, that he couldn´t have Shawn as more than just a collaboration partner and friend. He would never forgive himself if he didn´t try to find out. It would hurt to be rejected and he knew it was a big possibility but as long as there was even the slightest chance he wouldn´t he had to at least give it a shot.

After Niall had his big revelation and realized he was in love with Shawn he had thought everything would be different. Nothing had really changed though, he was still himself and he had the same feelings inside that he had had for a while now the only difference was that he knew what they were and what those feelings meant.

They were still flirting through text too. He wanted to think it meant something, them flirting. Maybe Shawn did that with all of his close friends though, maybe Niall was not that special.

Niall would be going home to Europe tomorrow and Shawn would be off to Japan in just a few days. He had to tell him before then or he would lose his nerve. He had decided he had to take a chance. He just had to wait until the right moment presented itself.

He took out his phone about to text Shawn asking if he wanted to hang out. He really wished they would be able to meet up, he knew he would be missing Shawn when they had to be separated by thousands and thousands of miles. He _needed_ to see him before going home.

When he looked down at his phone though he already had a message from Shawn, reading it he had to laugh and shake his head.

_Shawn Peter Raul Mendes: You_ _want to meet today? (: Was way too long since we hanged out…_

Seemed that he and Shawn were thinking the same thing, it had happened several times and it baffled him a bit how in synch they were. Niall knew it was a bit ridiculous but if you asked him, the minute they were not together was also the minute it was too long since they saw each other last. He smiled knowing he would see Shawn again soon. He texted back, _I´d love to, I´ll make you dinner._

The replay was instant. _Shawn Peter Raul Mendes: Cool, see you in 30. Oh and if you make chicken, don´t forget the seasoning. I like it hot and spicy (;_

Niall tipped his head back and laughed wholeheartedly at that, remembering when a fan on twitter had pointed out him forgetting to season his chicken before putting it in the oven a few months ago. He had some chicken at home though so he decided to cook it, chicken was something he was good at making and he wanted to impress Shawn.

He got up from where he was sitting on the edge of his bed. A suitcase was situated beside the bed, Niall had been packing to prepare for the trip home early the next morning.

He went into the kitchen looking for what he could make with the chicken. He was excited to be seeing Shawn again. At the same time he was also nervous though, it would be the first time he would be seeing him since his realization. His hands were a bit sweaty and he could feel his heartbeat having increased a little, he would be confessing his feelings for his friend tonight.

**SHIALL**

Niall was standing in his bedroom when the doorbell rang debating on what to wear, there was a few shirts laying on his bed, not too fancy but still classy, he wanted to look good tonight. He was debating over if he should choose one that would highlight his eyes that he knew was one of his best features or if he should choose the one that was most flattering to his figure.

_Ding-dong_ , the bell sounded again through the house and he just grabbed one of the shirts hanging it over his shoulders before rushing to his front door and opening it. Shawn was standing on the other side with that wide smile that took over his entire face and made his eyes crinkle a little, the one Niall loved so much. Niall just stood there as Shawn took him in, after doing a once over he raised an eyebrow and chuckled.

Niall felt his cheeks colour, damn having a light Irish complexion. Then he chuckled too thinking of how he must look. He was standing in his doorway barefoot with a pair of black slacks on. The shirt he had thrown on last minute was not buttoned at all making him for all purposes shirtless. His hair had not entirely dried yet from the shower he had just taken. He was suddenly very grateful that he had cut his hair a while back otherwise it would have been hanging down and be all over the place but at its current length it was not a total disaster.

He was also chuckling to cover up the uneasiness he felt as he realized he had done what he would have done if preparing for a date. It felt like a date, he was making Shawn dinner, had showered and had dressed nice because he wanted to impress him.

He also realized everything was not as it had been. When seeing Shawn now with the knowledge of his feelings he wanted to embrace Shawn, hug him and not let go. He wanted the intimacy and physical closeness you only shared with your significant other. As Niall looked at Shawn more closely his breath hitched as he thought that he wanted to do even more than give him a hug.

He had never kissed a bloke before, not for real anyway, not even in school when younger playing games or on a dare. He and Dustin Hoffman had done that stunt a few years ago which had been fun but thank god not a real kiss. He had also kissed a guy in a club but only on the corner of the month and he had been drunk so it didn´t really count. Now he found himself wishing he could just kiss Shawn hello though.

It didn´t even feel like a strange desire nor was it an unwelcomed thought, it just felt like the most natural thing to do. In fact it felt strange not doing it, having to hold himself back. As he had to act like Shawn´s friend even if in his mind he was his boyfriend.

He hadn´t really thought about it like that before but really he and Shawn were like boyfriends already. Except the touching and kissing and such then. Before he had realized his feelings Niall would have probably embraced Shawn and they would have hugged briefly but now he hesitated not sure if that was appropriate, not sure if he would be able to not do more now when he knew he wanted to.

Niall stood there not knowing what to do until Shawn ruffled his wet hair with a slight smirk “not going to invite me in?” Niall felt so stupid, he just nodded and stepped aside.

When Shawn walked past him Niall couldn´t help but notice he looked good. Although that was not a surprise as Niall couldn´t remember a time Shawn hadn´t looked good. He was consciously looking this time though and damn those trousers he was wearing was hugging his arse just right and the shirt was tight over his well-defined shoulders and arms.

Niall was so lost in his thoughts and didn´t even notice when Shawn turned around to face him. “I didn´t know we were going out, you said you would make me dinner so I assumed we would stay here” Niall averted his lingering eyes and shook his head to clear his mind.

It took a few seconds for Shawn´s words to register but when they did he cursed under his breath, seemed like he had been trying a bit too hard with his efforts to look nice. Even if he was not even half dressed at the moment it was obvious he was dressing up.

“Ugh… we´re not” he stuttered out before adding “there´s chicken in the fridge, I thought maybe we could cook it together?” He hadn´t actually planned that but with getting a bit, or a lot, stressed out over not looking good enough and not having showered recently he had kind of put making dinner on hold.

Shawn grinned and said “I was just joking around man, no need to worry” he went back over to Niall and clapped him on the shoulder. Niall felt like his skin was on fire where Shawn´s hand was touching him. “Sounds like fun though, I´ll help you get it the right kind of spicy” he said and actually winked.

Niall was brought out of the state he had been in since he had opened the door to greet Shawn, “I can do spicy” he said and pouted a little. He thought he saw Shawn´s eyes flicker to his bottom lip as he jutted it out but the moment was over before it had even started and Niall was sure he had just imagined it.

They both cracked up at that and then they made their way into the living room settling themselves down on the sofa.“You do look fancy though, or you will when you have finished dressing yourself” Shawn said with not a little bit of amusement coloring his voice. “Are you dressing up, all for me?”

Niall knew he was most likely only teasing him, which was something they both did all the time. He had in fact dressed up for Shawn though. He could say no but that would be a lie. He could also say yes and then tell him that he liked him and wished this was a date instead of just friends hanging out.

He didn´t want to make the whole evening awkward however, he didn´t want to ruin the last time he and Shawn would spend together in a while. There would be more opportunities, he could do it later. So instead of either confirming or denying he just jabbed his thumb towards his bedroom “I should probably, you know…”

Shawn just nodded and told him to take his time. Niall almost sprinted back to his bedroom to finish getting dressed. That had not really gone as planned. Instead of impressing Shawn which had been his intentions he had made a fool of himself. On a positive note, the not really a date could only get better from here.


	5. Chicken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shawn and Niall cook and eat their dinner, meanwhile Niall continues struggling finding the right moment to tell Shawn how he feels about him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you may have noticed I changed the rating before posting this chapter. It is mostly for future instances but I decided to do it now so I don´t forget later. There are some suggestive thoughts/imagination in this chapter though, which I hope you'll enjoy (;

**Chapter 5: Chicken**

After he had taken a few deep breaths and finished putting on his clothes he rejoined Shawn and they made their way to the kitchen and started on making dinner. Niall liked cooking just fine but doing it with Shawn was just so much better, he was finding that about just everything was that much better if he was doing it with Shawn.

He was starting to understand what people meant when they said, a life without love was just a shell of what it was meant to be. That living a life without your better half was not more than half a life. It was cliché but it made sense now when he knew what really being in love felt like.

They were making a sauce to go with the chicken and then out of nowhere Niall felt something warm and wet on his cheek. He looked up as Shawn started to laugh at him, he lifted his hand to his cheek and dragged through the wetness there. When he put his finger in front of his face he saw that it was some of the sauce they were making. “Hey” he said but he laughed too before smearing the sauce he had on his finger on Shawn´s nose.

Shawn´s eyes widened then he got a look on his face telling Niall he was in trouble. “It´s on man” and before Niall even had time to react Shawn had taken a spoon lying on the counter and used it to flick sauce at Niall, it hit him on the forehead, some also landed in his hair. It started to run down the side of his face and dripped from his hair. The nice shirt would be ruined but Niall didn´t really care.

Shawn took one good look at him before he laughed hard almost folding himself double “the face you’re making right now man” okay so Niall may have scrunched his face up in a grumpy grimace. He was also a bit surprised but at the same time he was enamored with the man standing in front of him.

As Shawn was distracted Niall had time to scope up some sauce of his own. He waited until when Shawn had calmed down and looked up before he put his hand in the middle of Shawn´s face with a splash. “How about that, now we´re even” Niall said with satisfaction.

Shawn looked like he was going to protest but then he seemed to think better of it and instead licked his lips.

Niall had first thought of making a tomato sauce but the way Shawn had scrunched up his nose, which had been so adorable, at the idea had both made Niall laugh and make him reconsider. Instead they had ended up making a parmesan cheese sauce.

Shawn licking the dripping whitish wetness of his face was now making Niall blush furiously and he had to swallow hard. It was not really the right white colour but his imagination was still running wild with the image of Shawn´s face all messy and him licking it up with obvious pleasure.

Then Shawn made a small noise “mmm” and Niall was sure he was about to moan in response, it was such an erotic display. He had to bite down on his lip to prevent a noise from escaping, he didn´t want Shawn to know the filthy thoughts he was thinking and how they were affecting him.

He felt something stir in the pit of his stomach and in the end had to advert his eyes and think about pigeons and empty fridges. He shuddered at the unpleasant thoughts. That was better.

“You okay?” Niall drew in a breath and looked back at Shawn, this time the earlier thoughts were gone and he instead found himself cracking up. Shawn smiled “you should taste the sauce, it´s delicious” then his tongue went out again to wet his lips and catch any stray sauce that may be left.

“We should probably clean up, right” Niall said mostly to distract himself from Shawn and his sensual antics. Shawn then looked a little sheepish. “Sorry for the mess” Niall shook his head though. He hadn´t had this much childish fun in a long time even if he felt a bit embarrassed and a little horny at the moment, but that wasn´t Shawn´s fault, well not entirely at least.

“Nah, it´s fine, it was rather fun actually, a food fight have been overdue for a while” Shawn smiled at that and then they both started to laugh. “We make a good team in the kitchen” Shawn said and Niall felt a tightness in his chest.

He wanted to ask if Shawn didn´t think they could make a good team in life in general as well, not just in the kitchen. If Niall got as he wanted they would be a team in every aspect of their lives. The moment passed though and before he had been able to gather up enough courage to voice his wish and confess his love Shawn had already turned around and was using a paper towel to clean his face with.

So Niall just squashed down the urge to say anything and instead took the offered paper towel that Shawn was offering him and started to clean his face as well.

**SHIALL**

Niall had had no choice but to change his shirt as there had been sauce all over the collar and down the front. So much for taking his time earlier to choose the right shirt when he would wear both before the evening ended anyway.

Shawn was in the kitchen finishing making the salad while Niall was making up the dinner table. What he really wanted to do was put some candles on the table and dim the lights but he didn´t know if that would be a bit too much or not. This wasn´t a date no matter how much he wished it was he had to remind himself and not for the first time this evening.

He could possibly get away with it saying he just wanted to make it cozy. He wasn´t the most romantic type, he could be if the person he liked wished for those things but he had never been the one insisting on them. He found himself actually wanting it all with Shawn however. He wanted to be disgustingly sweet with him, it was truly revolting.

In the end he just put a few vanilla scented tealights on the table, he had gotten the tealights from Harry a while back and had never thought he would actually use them. He made a mental note to thank Harry for his unusual decorating preferences. Tealights made it cozy but wouldn´t make it too obvious that he wished for a more romantic setting. He also found some napkins in a drawer, which Niall hadn´t even known he owned before tonight. He was debating over if he should try to find a table cloth as well when Shawn´s voice came from the kitchen interrupting his musings.

“Will you come help me carry the food?” Shawn shouted and Niall made his way to the kitchen.

Shawn had made up two plates with the chicken, sauce, salad and some tagliatelle. Normally Niall would have preferred to lay up his own food but strangely he didn´t mind Shawn doing it for him. It smelled delicious, he had not thought about it before now but he was starving.

“Will you bring with you two glasses and something to drink?” Niall nodded and Shawn started making his way into the dining room.

He had a few beers in the fridge but it didn´t feel like a great fit for the food they had prepared. Unfortunately he didn´t have any wine at home. In the end he just took down a pitcher and filled it with water before adding some ice cubes before following Shawn. It would have to do.

Niall sat down and poured them both a glass, even if it wasn´t a date he could still be a gentleman. “Hope water is fine?” Shawn had just smiled and said it was perfect.

Niall felt his hands getting a little clammy and wiped off his sweaty palms on his slacks. It was like his confidence came and went throughout the night. He had a lot of things he wished to talk to Shawn about but didn´t really know where to start.

Then something hit him and he started to laugh uncontrollably. Shawn smiled wide and raised his eyebrows “I love hearing you laugh” he said making Niall wanting to hide behind his napkin. He could feel his face burning, with embarrassment or pleased satisfaction he couldn´t really tell. It was one thing flirting on a screen another having Shawn complimenting him and saying stuff like that to his face.

He couldn´t answer with how much he was laughing, Shawn just shook his head “seriously though, what´s so funny?”

Still chuckling Niall just pointed at the piece of chicken on his plate and then started another laughing fit. It wasn´t that funny to be honest but with all the emotions he was trying to retain tonight, he had to have an outlet for them somehow. He had always been known for being someone that was always close to a laugh.

“Chicken” Shawn said skeptically but slightly amused. Niall nodded enthusiastically “Yeah, chicken, plain chicken.”

Shawn seemed to not really understand at first but then he started to laugh too. “We didn´t season the chicken” he said a bit dumbfounded now they were both laughing.

They had made a sauce so it wasn´t like they had actually needed to season the chicken. But it was still really funny that they had forgotten especially after their earlier conversation.

Niall had finally calmed down a minute or so later but he just couldn’t let it go before asking “you want me to get you some spices, I´ve heard you like it hot” he had to bite his lip to keep himself from starting to laugh again, when Shawn started to chuckle though he couldn´t help to let out a chuckle of his own. “Nah, spices would just diffuse the taste of the incredible sauce we managed to make.”

Trying not to blush Niall took another bite of chicken which he had dipped in the sauce. He was trying really hard but it was almost impossible not to think about him and Shawn making incredible _sauce_ together. He wanted to bang his head on the table. Containing these feelings and thoughts were so much harder than he had first anticipated.

In an attempt to distract himself he abruptly changed the subject. “You excited about going to Japan soon?” Shawn nodded and you could literally see how excited he was without him even needing to say anything.

“Yes, it will be my first time going there and I´m really looking forward to it” he was smiling so wide that Niall couldn´t help but grin back.

What he really wanted to say was that he wished he could go with him. Niall had great memories from being in Japan, it was an awesome place with awesome people. The reason he wanted to go with Shawn was not because he was going to Japan though. He would have wanted to go with Shawn even if he had been going somewhere else like say Siberia.

He could tell him he would have loved to go with Shawn and either Shawn would take that as him liking Japan or just wanting them to be traveling together. Friends traveled together all the time. Or he could tell him and also tell him why.

The truth was he just wanted them to spend more time together. He was going to miss him terribly and he just wished he didn´t have to. He knew that even if they were together, as in a couple, they would have to spend time apart with what they did and their schedules. He still selfishly wished he could have Shawn to himself all the time. 

He decided this was not the right time to tell Shawn and instead of saying what he really was thinking he settled on “trust me, you´ll absolutely like Japan.” And that was that, another opportunity to ease into telling Shawn about his feelings was now gone.

**SHIALL**

The dinner had gone smoothly after that, he had been able to relax and just enjoy the company and good food. They had shared laughs and stories, the time had flown buy and before Niall knew it a few hours had passed.

Shawn had even stolen a particularly juicy looking piece of chicken from Niall´s plate as he had finished his own and was too comfortable to go into the kitchen to get a second serving. Normally Niall would have cursed and been outraged because no one took _his_ food, it was sacred. For some reason Shawn doing it was not a problem, he had just smiled and taken another piece of chicken from his plate and dipped it in the sauce on Shawn´s plate as he had already finished his own portion of sauce, and it really was delicious.

If he hadn´t already known he was in love with Shawn, Niall not being bothered by him and Shawn stealing and sharing food from each other’s plates would have been a dead giveaway. If any of his family or friends would have seen them they would have laughed and welcomed Shawn to the family. It was a rather big deal.

He told Shawn he could move to the couch as he took the dishes into the kitchen. He hoped Shawn wouldn´t want to leave. He was not ready for the evening to end quite yet, he wasn´t ready for it to end period but knew it would have to rather sooner than later.

Niall put the dishes in the dishwasher. He didn´t have any dessert at home, which was a shame, it would have made a great excuse to have Shawn staying over longer. He did have those beers in the fridge though.

He made his way to the living room with the cold beers and a small bag of crisps he had found in one of the cabinets. Shawn was on his phone typing away. Niall was about to ask him what he was doing when his phone went off with a twitter notification.

Shawn Mendes √ @ShawnMendes · Feb 20  
@NiallOfficial Neil James, you enjoyed the unseasoned chicken?

Niall laughed and stopping in his tracks leaning against the wall at the entrance to the living room. “You know what you just did right, fangirls all over the world will be freaking out about us sharing a meal, again” he shook his head before adding “and did you have to include the “unseasoned” part?”

Shawn sniggered “you´re not going to answer?” Niall just threw the crisps bag at Shawn, before he glared at him and said “oh and don´t call me _Neil_ ” which only made Shawn laugh. Niall huffed before he sat down the beers to be able to respond to the tweet.

He must have been looking irritated because Shawn said “have anyone told you how cute you look when you´re annoyed?” It should have made him even more annoyed because he wasn´t cute, that was an insult coming from a friend. It was bro code or something that you didn´t call your guy friends cute. Instead his body betrayed him and he felt what could only be described as butterflies in his stomach at having Shawn calling him cute. He sighed and ignored Shawn by not looking up or rewarding the question with an answer, instead he focused on finishing writing the tweet.

Niall Horan √ @NiallOfficial · Feb 20  
@ShawnMendes Ya know I did! The best chicken is made by Canadians and Irishmen.

Shawn looked up after reading the tweet he had just sent with a mischievous glint in his eyes “you just confirmed we cooked together, the internet will explode” Niall laughed even if he knew there was some truth in what Shawn said people would go crazy over this. “Whatever, you had your fun with the public?”

Niall made his way to the couch and put the beers on the table. Shawn raised both his eyebrows and chuckled “yeah, but I´m sure they would have loved to know you plan to give me beer” Niall wanted to disappear. This was embarrassing and he could feel his face flush, Shawn looked at him and cracked up when Niall let out a pitiful noise. “Such a bad boy” now he was just teasing him mercilessly and Niall felt like such a failure.

“Damn Americans” he said under his breath making Shawn laugh even harder. He had totally not thought about the 21 age limit on alcohol in the states and the fact that Shawn was only 18. “Where I come from in Canada you have to be 19.” Niall grumbled, really what was so wrong with having a beer when you were legally an adult anyway. He was lucky being Irish.

Even if Shawn was only 18 he was so mature and seemed to be a lot older than his age. He was a lot more grounded and sure of himself than Niall had been at that age for certain. The five years age gap between them had never been something Niall had thought about before now.

It wasn´t really a something that bothered him. Shawn was over 18 so if they against all odds would end up being more than friends it wouldn´t be a problem. If they had met last year it would have been a whole other matter. Five years was not that much in the grand scheme of things either, Shawn was still really young though and it was something he ought to remember.

He should probably say something and try to save face even if Shawn just looked amused at his blunder. “Uh… you want some juice or something?” he asked and hoped this little incident would be behind them.

Shawn looked like he wanted to tease some more but Niall must have looked distressed because he clapped him on the shoulder instead “don´t sweat it, juice is fine.” Niall just nodded and disappeared back into the kitchen.

He poured the juice in a beer glass just to get back at Shawn even if his age and the laws in this country was both out of the other man´s, no other _boy´s_ , control. He added a few ice cubes to the drink. Even if he couldn´t have the real deal they could at least pretend they were drinking beer together.

He went back into the living room uncapped the beer he was still planning to drink and put down the class in front of Shawn. He took it up and clinked the glass with Niall´s bottle “cheers man” Niall took a swing before answering in kind “cheers mate.”

They drank their beverage for a little while before Niall said “you’ve never been to Ireland right? If you ever visit I would love showing you around” Shawn looked a bit surprised at that, which really it wasn´t that weird even if they were just friends without complicated feelings involved he would have wanted Shawn to come visit and to be able to show him around. He always took great honor in showing his over the pond friends his home country and culture. Niall was very proud about being Irish after all.

There was a difference about Shawn and his other friends though, he loved showing his Ireland to people but with Shawn it was something more. Niall wanted not only to show Shawn his Ireland he wanted Shawn to be a part of his Ireland, he wanted Shawn to be a part of what he called home.

“I´d love too, I´m actually going to Dublin for a show under my next tour” Shawn was looking as excited as he had been when they were talking about him going to Japan for the first time. He really hoped they would at least be great friends still when Shawn came to Dublin. He really hoped he would be able to make Shawn´s first Irish visit something special.

“That´s so cool mate, if I´m free I´ll maybe even come and watch you play and then I can take you around town… If you know you have a day or two to spare” he remembered how it was being on tour being flown from one place to the next or spending endless of hours on a bus.

Shawn looked so excited at the prospect “That would be incredible, I would be honored having you at one of my shows” he looked contemplating then his eyes shined with such unguarded glee that Niall almost fell off the couch. Niall didn´t know how he did it but only a smile from Shawn was able to throw Niall off and if he had been standing up he was sure he would have actually fallen over.

“I can´t promise anything but if everything works out maybe you could even you know play your song as a surprise performance at my Dublin show, or we could sing a duet or something” Niall felt himself wanting to sour, that was a brilliant idea. He wanted to fling himself at Shawn but was not exactly sure if that was an appropriate reaction. But he couldn´t help but scoot just a little bit closer to Shawn on the couch.

He and Shawn had been on the same stage when they both had been performing at the iHeart Jingle Ball Tour at the end of last year but this would be so much better. That had been him and Shawn and a lot of other artists, this would be just them at Shawn´s headlining tour, in Ireland his home country. He knew it was just at the idea stage at the moment and he shouldn´t get his hopes up too much but he was just so excited and he would do anything in his power to make this actually happen.

Shawn was looking at him though a bit uptight and Niall realized he had yet to say anything “Yes! I would love to, it´s a brilliant idea” Shawn´s face morphed into one of those smiles that made Niall think his face was going to split in two.

“Yea, I have to talk to some people but I´m positive we can make it happen” Niall had been so careful and mindful of their physical contact under the entire evening so when Shawn draped his arm over his shoulders and then left it there Niall tensed up. What he wanted to do was relax and lean his head against Shawn´s, to let his weight rest against Shawn´s slightly bigger form.

In the end he just carefully leaned back against the sofa and closed his eyes just enjoying the moment of being this close to Shawn not knowing how long it would last.

He clinked his now half empty bottle against Shawn´s glass of juice. “I promise I´ll buy you a real pint too when you visit, you have not really visited Ireland before you have had a Guinness and gone to a pub with some local live music.”

“You’re going to corrupt an innocent 18 year old?” Shawn teased before carding his fingers through the short hair at the back of Niall´s head and neck, it was just a small gesture but even if it was nothing special it was still rather intimate and to Niall at least it didn´t feel entirely innocent and just friendly. What had they been talking about, he couldn’t focus on anything else than Shawn´s fingers in his hair and at the back of his neck.

Shawn just chuckled “you were tense I could tell” which yes he was because he had been squaring up his shoulders and held himself back both emotionally and physically most of the evening. He had been hiding his true feelings until he was ready and the right moment presented itself. It had been more exhausting than he had realized.

“Seriously though I would love you to show me Ireland and treat me to a nights out, Irish style” Shawn said as he continued the motions of his hand and fingers making Niall relax completely.

It was true that he wanted to show Shawn Ireland and take him out in Dublin would be great. There was something he wanted even more though, he would love to take Shawn to Mullingar, to not only show the Ireland everyone else knew but to really show him his Ireland. He wanted to show him where he had grown up, his favorite places. He wanted to bring him home. He even wanted him to meet his family. He had never brought someone home like that. Shawn was the first one he had ever even really wanted to do it with.

“You would?” he asked. He could feel Shawn turn his head towards him and when Niall looked up they were so close. Only a few inched apart, he wasn´t sure if he wanted to make the distance perish or if he wanted to increase it tenfold.

Shawn was smiling softly though making it hard for Niall to think at all. “I really would, and I know you´ve been to Canada before but I would love to show you my country too.”

Niall swallowed, he could either just lean forward and stretch up and put his mouth to Shawn´s or he could turn his head away and let the moment they were having just run through his fingers. It was the perfect moment to not only tell Shawn about how he felt but to also act on his feelings and kiss him.

In the end he chickened out, he wasn´t brave enough and he withdrew slightly and turned his head away. “That sounds lowly, I´d love to” he said but he didn´t at all sound that excited anymore. He was excited over that Shawn wanted to show him his Canada, he _really_ was.

He was also annoyed and ashamed of himself. He had had countless of opportunities where he could have made Shawn realize that Niall was in love with him. There had been several instances he had thought about doing so but every time he had chickened out. He didn´t know if he should cry or laugh, it was just three small words but for some reason saying “I love you” seemed to be one of the hardest things to do.


	6. Thinking Out Loud

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One thing leads to another and Shawn ends up staying the night. Although sleeping is not all that he end up doing.

**Chapter 6: Thinking Out Loud**

Shawn couldn´t do this. He felt so guilty especially looking at Niall´s frowning face. Shawn had thought he could do this, he had thought that he was doing it just fine throughout the night.

They had had a really nice evening and he had thought it would be okay even if every time Niall tensed up around him made something twist inside Shawn. Every time he felt like being more than the friend Niall wanted he felt a guilty feeling go through him. He knew he should try harder, do better. This was just so hard to get passed because it was new and the pain he felt at falling for someone he couldn´t have and shouldn´t want was so fresh. It would get easier he told himself, it had to.

Shawn had tried to ignore the emotional punches he felt every time he saw Niall hesitating around him. Every time he had not just gone for it and had not been as relaxed and comfortable around him as he used to be. It was painful but maybe it was better this way anyway.

If Niall was not comfortable with him being so close and needed space it would be easier to establish the friend lines and boundaries. Easier to keep their platonic friendship uncomplicated. And that was just what he wanted after all, he wanted an uncomplicated relationship with Niall where they could just be themselves without these feelings that made it all that much harder.

He knew he was masking his true feelings the best he could by being overly flirtatious and by teasing Niall, just being that friend. He must have failed somehow though because it was obvious Shawn was making Niall feel uncomfortable and that for some reason he had not been able to be himself to 100% throughout the night.

They had laughed, talked and had a great time truly, but there was something that hadn´t been like it had been before. He could tell that Niall had been holding back, from what he couldn´t tell but there was something he was uncertain and careful about. Several times under the night it had looked like he would say something but the moment had always disappeared and Shawn had just let it go. He wasn´t even sure, he could have imagined the whole thing, right now he felt unsure about a lot of things.

This time it was worse than all the other times. Before today they had shared hugs and been comfortable with being close but not intimately touching each other. This time Niall had not been so open, he had been closing himself up and kept up a personal space between them. At first Shawn had respected that but he could see that something had been eating at Niall even if he wasn´t saying it out loud his body language had been speaking for him.

Unfortunately Shawn had no way of knowing what Niall was thinking. Maybe he was paranoid and what was bothering Niall had nothing to with him or with them and their friendship. He had had to try to ease Niall into talking though and seeing him being tense he thought he could help him relax by putting a comforting arm over his shoulders. He had just wanted to show Niall that he was there and that he could relax around him and tell him whatever it was. He had been trying to show it without having to tell Niall and make it awkward hoping he would understand.

Carding his fingers through Niall´s hair had been unintentional at first, but when he had started and had seen the effect it had on Niall he had not had the heart to stop the motion even if it was dangerous territory.

The only thing being so close and touching had led to was Shawn wanting to kiss him however and that was not what he had been aiming for at all. He had been so close to doing it too, if Niall hadn´t turned his head away when he did. He had literally been seconds away from a disaster.

He had been so close to do something so wrong, something he shouldn´t even want. He was berating himself. His attempt to be a great friend had just made things worse. Niall looked miserable and Shawn felt like a douchebag, almost kissing your friend was not something that should have happened. He had to control himself better.

He sighed looking at Niall who was still frowning and looking down as he was trying to be okay even if something was weighing him down. He took a deep breath and held himself back from laying his hand on Niall´s shoulder.

“It´s late maybe I should head home” it would get easier. They would be spending some time apart, he would miss Niall so much but maybe the time apart would do them some good, maybe when they would meet each other again it would not be as painful. Maybe when they met again Shawn would know how to be just Niall´s friend without feeling like this.

Niall obviously had some things he needed to work through as well so maybe it would just be better to end the night even if the thought of leaving Niall here and maybe not see him again in months was something that made his chest close in on itself and made him feel like it was difficult to breath, he felt like all of the oxygen in the room had suddenly been sucked out.

It would be easier he told himself again and they were still the great friends they had been for a while now, they just needed some time to establish that friendship. It would all be fine.

Niall was looking at him with a pained and desperate expression “no” he said and Shawn frowned “we haven´t even eaten the crisps yet.” Shawn didn´t know what to say to that it was not a really great argument. He didn´t really want to leave though even if he knew it would be the smart decision.

 He had to try being responsible though and it was already eleven at night “don´t you have an early flight in the morning?” He wasn’t sure if he wanted Niall to give in or of he wished for Niall to just dismiss it and ask him to stay anyway.

“Yea I do, I can sleep on the plane though” he said it with so much hesitant hope, Shawn knew right then and there that he would be staying until Niall kicked him out, even if it was a bad idea there was no way he would be leaving. “The bags are all packed and it really wouldn’t be a bother if you stayed a while longer.”

It seemed Niall would have fought him if he really had wanted to leave. Shawn smiled, it was nice knowing Niall wanted him to stay even if he had been a bit distant and closed off throughout the night. Niall still wanted his company, Shawn wasn´t sure if he deserved it especially after almost kissing him earlier but he was glad none the less.

Niall smiled back when Shawn said “okay I´ll stay, maybe we can watch a movie?” that would be fine, he would be distracted from making more ill-advised advances that he would later regret.

Niall shone up like the sun and Shawn couldn´t help but let go of the worry and guilt he had been feeling for the last few minutes. Maybe he should just enjoy the rest of the night, there would not be one like it for a while after all.

**SHIALL**

Shawn woke up a few hours later with Niall resting against him, his head was tucked under his chin and Shawn had an arm draped over his smaller form.

They had ended up watching Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them after Niall had said he hadn´t seen it yet. Shawn was a bit if a Harry Potter fanatic. Shawn had seen it a few times already and it was a tradition for him and his family to watch the first original eight films every Christmas.

They must have fallen asleep sometime during the movie though, he was sure they had not been all cuddled up before either. Niall must have gravitated towards him in his sleep. Shawn couldn´t say he was against it but it was weird for two friends to be all cuddled up like this.

Niall was fitting perfectly against him though and it felt right having him there and having his arm around him as if he was protecting him. It was so confusing having all of these conflicting feelings and thoughts.

He looked down at the boy in his arms, he was just lucky having him in his life and he would be damned if he did something to jeopardize that. If Niall was cute normally he was even more adorable when he was asleep. Shawn knew he should wake him up, he should have already moved away and put some space between them at least, but it was hard to resist just staying as they were for a few extra moments. This would all be just a dream soon, he just wanted to be living it for a few seconds more.

He was about to slowly move Niall when the other started to fuss and just cuddled closer. In the process he also moved his ass making Shawn aware of a whole other problem he had not been aware of before now. It was not something unusual, he had been asleep and something was pressed up against him.

Why did it have to happen right now and right here though? He sighed and made a new attempt to move Niall. Niall could not wake up to feeling Shawn press up against his ass that was just not happening. Niall was fast asleep however and the only thing that happened when Shawn tried to move him was that he let out some noises “mmh… ahh” that did not make Shawn´s problem go away in the slightest.

In the end he just carefully lifted Niall and carried him to the bedroom. When he was laying him down on the bed Niall brought up a hand and rubbed at his eyes before he blinked up at Shawn. “Shawn… ya are still here” he said and smiled sleepily up at him. Shawn chuckled he couldn´t help it, Niall was so adorable when he had just woken up and his Irish accent became thicker and Shawn felt himself falling even more in love with him, something he had been sure was impossible.

“Still here, we fell asleep on the couch” Niall frowned and sat up at that. “Wait what time is it” Shawn frowned too taking out his phone and seeing it was after two am he groaned, he didn´t feel like making his way home through L.A. at this hour, at least there would be little traffic. “Two in the morning”

Niall groaned, which should not have been erotic but with his raspy voice from sleep it still went straight to Shawn´s dick. He was suddenly very grateful for the fact that the room was almost in total darkness and his little problem wouldn´t be visible.

“I have to be up in four hours” Shawn felt sympathy. But at the same time he had asked Niall about his early flight and had attempted to leave so he could get a good night’s sleep so he was also really tempted to tease him because he hadn´t listened before.

He was about to just say goodbye and wish Niall a good flight before leaving but Niall had other plans. “There is a guest room next door, what´s mine is yours mate” wait did he just ask him to sleep over.

“Eh…” he hadn´t been expecting that. He was unsure if he should accept, it sounded amazing to have a bed just a few meters away but he didn´t want to impose and Niall was leaving in just a few hours, so he would be an inconvenience.

Niall seemed to have woken up a little more because he started to laugh and shook his head. “You didn´t think I´ll let you leave in the middle of the night did ya?” Shawn knew he would have insisted on Niall staying if the roles were reversed but still “I offered, off to bed with ya it´s way past your bed time” he was smirking now and Shawn couldn´t help but laugh.

Shawn just shook his head and turned around to leave “good night, wake me in the morning” he said it at the same time as Niall said “I meant it, what’s mine is yours.” They looked at each other before they started to laugh again, everything would definitely be fine.

“See ya in the morning” Niall said and Shawn nodded “see you, sweet dreams.” He closed the door, Niall´s smile being the last thing he saw and he couldn´t help but think that Niall smiling was the first and last thing he wished to see every day.

**SHIALL**

Shawn couldn’t believe he was doing this. Niall had said, twice, that what was his was also Shawn´s though so maybe he shouldn´t feel so guilty. He had found that he was too on edge to go to sleep. His problem wouldn´t go away and after a lot of contemplating he had decided he would take a shower. He couldn´t with a good conscious take care of it in Niall´s guest bed after all.

He hadn´t showered after their food fight earlier either though and even if his shirt had not gotten dirty like Niall´s he still felt gross and it could be his excuse if Niall would hear the shower running. He would just let cold water do its work and then he could forget that this had ever even happened.

It felt wrong stripping down to nothing in Niall´s house though, it felt like he was crossing all sorts of boundaries. Here he was naked in Niall´s house with Niall sleeping just a short distance away. Shawn shook his head and turned on the shower praying silently that Niall was a heavy sleeper, that he hadn’t woken up when they and been on the couch earlier was a good sign.

He stepped into the shower and closed his eyes, which he shouldn´t have done. Visions of Niall flooded his mind. Him blushing when Shawn gave him a compliment, him flushing in embarrassment opening the door half dressed. Niall laughing with his head tipped back and his throat exposed, his blue eyes crinkled up. Niall sleeping in his arms not long ago with his head against Shawn´s shoulder and his warmth seeping through their clothes and warming Shawn all the way to his core.

He felt a lump in his throat, this was so wrong, he bit his lip and scrunched up his eyes. He couldn’t do this but at the same time he was unable to stop himself from doing it. He took a raged breath, his breathing was elaborated both from being aroused and from being distressed.

Shame washed over him as he closed his hand around his shaft, the pleasure he felt was mixed with confusion and mortification. He felt trapped. His mind was screaming that this was wrong and that no matter how much he wanted it, it was not okay, it was disgraceful and bad. His body on the other hand was humming and telling him the opposite.

The water was cascading down his body washing away the tears Shawn had started to shed without him realizing it. He was leaning against one if the shower walls with one hand with his head bent down. It was no turning back now, even if he stopped the line had still already been crossed. He wasn´t sure he would even be able to stop if he wanted to.

He speed up his hand and squeezed a little tighter making it almost painful, he wanted to be disgusted with himself. He was wanking off to thoughts of his friend in his friend’s house, what was wrong with him? He felt short of breath, his throat tight with strong emotions.

The image of Niall being there with him was so strong in his mind that he could almost feel his presence. He could easily imagine Niall being the one pleasuring him, feeling the shorter male behind him and his hand, calloused from playing guitar, on his warm flesh.

He could even hear his voice, low and the Irish accent thick, in his mind saying it was okay to let go. That he wanted him to. “Aghhhhh NIALL” Shawn twisted his wrist one last time and cried out coming over the shower wall in front of him. He was not aware that he had shouted the name of the one person he was thinking about out loud.

The evidence of what he had just done was quickly washed away by the water. The knowledge and guilt was not however and Shawn sank down on the floor of the shower. He put his head in his hands, what had he just done?


	7. Don´t Overthink It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shawn was overheard in the shower and Niall confronts him afterwards. Then the morning comes and Niall has to leave.

**Chapter 7: Don´t Overthink It**

When Shawn opened the door he was planning on sneaking out not just from the bathroom but from Niall´s house. He had to go home, he couldn´t stay here and face Niall in the morning not with the knowledge of what he had just done.

The door squeaked a bit and Shawn grimaced, he was about to close it behind him when he felt all the air in his lungs leave his body. Niall was standing leaning against the wall on the other side of the door watching him, with an almost calculating look in his eyes.

Shawn felt like crying, what if Niall somehow knew what he had just done. He hadn’t even thought of that possibility. What if Niall had woken up and had gone to check on him and had realized what he had been doing in the shower. He had ruined _everything,_ he felt the lump in his throat from earlier return and he knew if he looked at Niall for too long he would break down. He lowered his head in shame.

“I couldn’t sleep so I decided to make myself a sandwich” Niall said making Shawn choke out a surprised laugh. It was just so Niall, it was three in the morning and he had ventured out of bed to make a freaking sandwich. Shawn felt that traitorous feeling of fondness for Niall, even with as crappy as he was feeling Niall just being Niall made his heart beat a little faster.

Niall came over and stood just in front of him, Niall reached out one hand and gently put in on Shawn´s chin lifting his head up so that he had was looking directly at him. Shawn held his breath and had to advert his eyes a little, to just above Niall´s head, he couldn’t look straight at him and meet his eyes with what he had been doing earlier.

Niall didn’t seem angry or bothered though, so maybe he didn´t know. “So…you like me.”

Shawn´s head snapped down so that he was looking at Niall again, the breath he had been holding washed out of him. He knew and Shawn felt like he would start crying any minute now. He was waiting for Niall to take pity of him, tell him sorry for not liking him back and then kick him out. What he was met with was Niall smiling softy at him though and not at all with sad sympathy, just with warmth and hope and relief.

“I like you too” he said then and Shawn blinked, he had to have misheard that his brain was playing tricks on him. Niall was smiling so wide though and he looked moments away from jumping at him and embracing him. Shawn was just frozen in place his eyes wide and his heart was pounding in his head making every other sound faint and incomprehensive.

He blinked and before Niall could make a move he choked out “you… what” he couldn´t even ask him to clarify. Everything was just a bit too much. “I like you too, like a lot” it was no question about that Shawn had heard him correctly this time.

Shawn kept staring at him, was he serious or was this some sick joke because he had discovered Shawn wanking to thoughts of him in his shower. No Niall would never do that.

Niall looked so happy and Shawn just felt so confused and out of place. He had told himself he couldn´t have Niall and now he just didn’t know. He had thought hearing Niall saying he liked him would be everything he had dreamt about. It was not that easy though. Even if they liked each other it would not be enough, they was two male teenage idols, they were going to go to different ends of the world in only a few hours.

There was so many things that were pointing to that this was a bad idea, that this whatever this was, was bound to fail before it had even started. Shawn felt scared at the prospect of having something with Niall because if he had been this wrecked about not having it. How would he make it out alive if they had something that then didn´t work out?

Shawn must have looked as out of it as he felt because Niall´s smile faltered and he looked concerned instead “Shawn, you alright?”and Shawn shook his head. Niall took that last step and enveloped him in a hug which Shawn couldn’t help but melt into for a few seconds but then he drew back feeling tears starting to pool at the corners of his eyes.

“I can´t do it” he felt one of the tears run down his cheek “it´s not that easy” he wanted to take it back the moment he had said it but he knew it was the truth. It was too many things that could and would go wrong, he wouldn´t be able to handle it.

Niall looked like someone had just taken the last of his favorite dish at a buffet just before it was his turn, his eyes dimmed “you don´t want me?” He sounded so sad that all Shawn wanted to do was take him in his arms and protect him from all the pain in the world even if Niall was feeling like this because of him at the moment.

It was even worse, knowing he had inflicted that pain in Niall. He would easily take all the pain in the world if Niall just got to be happy and content.

He shook his head frantically, he never wanted Niall to think Shawn didn´t want him “no, no that´s not it at all.”

Niall looked at him with furrowed eyebrows, like he wanted to understand Shawn but wasn’t quite able to. “I don´t see the problem mate, I like you and you like me” he made it sound so easy. Shawn knew it wasn´t.

“Yea but…” Niall smiled a small smile not like the ones before but like he started to understand. “No, no buts.” Niall then lifted an eyebrow and slapped him on his butt “or well none of those kind of buts but I quite like the other kind, especially yours” he winked.

Shawn looked at him incredulously, Niall chuckled “what ya have an incredible butt” at that Shawn couldn’t help it and he laughed. It was not a choked one either, it was a real happy laugh. Most people would have maybe thought it inappropriate and insensitive to make a butt joke in such a serious situation but it had been the exact thing that Shawn needed.

Niall smiled “that´s more like it “he sobered up again though and looked Shawn right in the eyes. Shawn felt a bit lighter but the many buts in his mind was still there.

Niall laid his hand over Shawn´s heart making it speed up “what do you feel here, don´t overthink it, what does your heart say?”

Shawn took a deep breath and closed his eyes, he heard his mum´s words from last week the same words that Niall had just uttered, _don´t overthink it_. Maybe he was making it harder than it needed to be.

Suddenly he thought about the spontaneous talking part of his song Understand, maybe it was time to take some of his own advice. Even if this was different and crazy this was where he was supposed to be, in Niall´s arms. He could understand that now, that even if it wouldn’t be easy it would be okay to just let go of his fears. It would be okay because he and Niall would be in this together. He had to follow his heart and stay true to himself, and what he wanted was Niall which was okay.

Even if he denied himself this, even if he didn’t even try afraid of what it would be to lose it, his heart would always be with Niall, it wouldn´t change. His love for Niall wouldn´t change.

“I love you okay, I have for like forever and I was so afraid to tell you but I wanted to and I know everything may not be easy but as long as we have each other and…” Niall stopped his rambling when Shawn opened his eyes again and looked straight at Niall and smiled.

And then they were kissing and Shawn knew this was where he was meant to be, everything else would be fine as long as he had Niall. Together they could face all those buts, it would be more than fine, having Niall like this was everything. That he had ever even questioned it was astonishing.

Kissing Niall was better than he had thought it would be. It was not even different from kissing other people because Niall was a guy, it was different because it was Niall. It was different because they loved each other.

When they broke apart they looked at each other and started to laugh. So much emotions had run through them in such a short amount of time and now here they were in each other’s arms. “Please tell me you love me too?”

Shawn pecked him on the lips again just because he could “I love you too” it was so nice to say it and to see Niall´s face just illuminate. Shawn would never get tired of saying he loved Niall and seeing that reaction.

Niall shook his head and chuckled “I can´t believe you wanked in my bathroom thinking about me” Shawn was not feeling guilty or ashamed of it anymore, in a roundabout way it was what had led them to get together. He was still embarrassed about it though and he knew he was bushing “shut up!”

Niall just laughed and leaned up whispering in his ear “I´m just sad I wasn´t invited.” Shawn could feel his face become a deep shade of red but couldn´t deny that he really wanted that.

“Come back to bed with me?” Niall asked and Shawn nodded with a smile, it sounded heavenly. They went back into Niall´s bedroom and stripped down to their underwear. They had both had trouble sleeping before but as they now cuddled up together in bed with their heads on the same pillow they were asleep within minutes.

**SHIALL**

When Niall woke up the sun had yet to rise. With it still being dark outside he thought he would be able to go back to sleep. He smiled when he shifted on the bed and felt the presence of another body behind his own.

He rolled over on his back and turned his head, he was met with Shawn´s sleeping face. It hadn´t been a dream. After his failed attempts to tell Shawn about his feelings throughout the evening it had all worked out after all. Shawn liked him too. No, they loved each other. He felt somethings swell inside of him, his feelings were bigger than his body and he felt like he could burst any minute. It was too good to be true.

It literally was though, they and just realized their feelings were reciprocated and now Niall had to leave. He sighed, at least he could cuddle up to the other boy and fall back asleep, just for a little while. He looked at the time and saw that he had to be up in less than 15 minutes and decided reluctantly that going back to sleep would do more harm than good.

He closed his eyes taking in the feeling of Shawn´s body lined up against his own side and listened to Shawn´s shallow breathing, the warm puffs of air hitting Niall on the cheek. He took a deep breath of his own taking all of it in, the smell and feeling of sharing his bed with the person he found himself loving more than anyone he had ever loved before.

He sighed before carefully making his way out of the bed. He stopped in the doorway looking back at the boy in his bed. That precious human being, which made Niall feel special and like anything would be worth it as long as they had each other.

He smiled ruefully before closing the door behind him and making his way to the kitchen stopping only briefly to use the bathroom. He thought about taking a shower but knew that he would be distracted and that he would become delayed. With knowing what Shawn had done in there under the night he would not be able to just rinse off without getting images of other activities and probably end up doing them too.

He had showered yesterday before Shawn had arrived anyway so it was not like he actually needed it. He took a piss and splashed his face with cold water, he was pretty tired but he would not have changed what happened last night for anything.

He and Shawn were on the same page now and he could not ask for anything else. He had never thought all things happened for a reason but maybe this time they had. He just knew that he and Shawn were meant to find each other and now when they had he could not imagine ever going back to being without the other.

He made himself a light breakfast but didn´t feel like eating much. Mostly he just sipped his cup of tea and sat there thinking. He had to leave Shawn behind and he didn´t know when they would next see each other. His stomach were twisting itself up unpleasantly. They loved each other he reminded himself again, it would be okay.

There would be a car to pick him up in 20 minutes.  He knew he should go and wake Shawn up, he had asked him to last night. When he opened the door and looked at him lying in his bed he couldn´t do it though, he couldn’t make himself wake up the other boy.

Shawn had been so distressed and emotionally exhausted last night, he had gone through so many feelings and Niall could tell he needed the rest. He didn´t know if he would be able to leave if Shawn was awake either, it was easier if he didn´t have to say goodbye to his face and see the pain he was feeling over being separated parroted in the other boy´s eyes. He couldn´t just leave without saying goodbye at all though, what message would that send.

He looked over at Shawn once more before heading back to the kitchen. He picked up a pencil and tore out a page from a notebook. He wrote a small letter to Shawn for him to read when he woke up, signing it off with _love you the most always, your Nialler xx_

He went back to the bedroom and put the note on the unused pillow on the right side of the bed. He hesitated and then he leaned down kissing Shawn on the forehead muttering an almost inaudible “I love you.” There was a stray lock of hair that was almost in Shawn´s eye so he gently swiped it back before taking a step back from the bed. He bit down on his lip and blinked trying to not tear up at having to go.

He knew that it didn´t matter if he stayed though, Shawn was going to Japan soon and Niall had music to write and record at home. It didn´t matter that they had just fallen in love. It didn´t matter that it felt like something was shattering inside of him at having to leave what they had just started, unfinished and vulnerable. They had lives that didn´t involve the other, they and lives that they couldn’t put on hold because they had just found each other.

He had never felt like this leaving before. He had not even felt like this leaving home and his family behind when he had first started going on tour and traveling around the world for extended periods of time. He knew they would make the long distance work and that the love he felt for Shawn was so much stronger than anything he had felt before. It was still so hard having to leave him behind though, especially with no reassurance or promises made going forward.

He let out a shaky breath and it was with a heavy heart that Niall shouldered his bag and made his way out of the room softly closing the door behind him. Before leaving the house he took, no borrowed, the jacket Shawn had had on yesterday. It was around 10°C outside and Shawn´s marine blue hoodie was perfect.

He sipped it up at the front and smiled at the thought of that he was wearing his _boyfriend’s_ clothes. They hadn’t said it but in Niall´s mind there was no doubt about that they were boyfriends. The hoodie was a bit big on Niall, it was a little too long and the sleeves almost covered his entire hands. It was cozy though and it smelled like Shawn. He took it as reassurance, even as he closed the front door he had a piece of Shawn with him.

Not only did he have Shawn´s hoodie though he also had a piece of Shawn´s heart and he had left a piece of his own behind with Shawn for safekeeping until they would see each other again.


	8. It´s Hard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shawn borrows something of Niall´s. Niall have an interesting flight where he almost blurts out something he shouldn't.

**Chapter 8: It´s Hard**

Shawn woke up by stray light hitting his face coming in through the window. He rolled over on the bed and spread out his limbs. He felt how something crinkled up under his head. Shawn yawned and cracked an eye open. The first thing he realized was that he had woken up in a bed that wasn´t his own. The second thing he realized was that he was alone in said bed and that it was cold where he had just rolled over. The third thing he realized was that it was almost eleven am.

He blinked and drew in a breath, it smelled like green grass and musky leather bound books. It smelled like Niall. After taking in another deep breath he remembered everything that had happened over the last 24 hours. It had not been a dream, Shawn had spent the night with Niall after they had both admitted their love for each other. He frowned when he realized Niall must have already taken off. He felt a little strange being left alone in his house. It would be something a lover or a boyfriend did. Wait, was that what they were now? He felt a headache take form and groaned before laying back down in the bed.

He was certain about that this was what he wanted and that it was as it should be, but he was also certain that he wasn´t sure about anything at all. Niall was probably somewhere over the Atlantic ocean at the moment.

Were they doing this, were they a couple now or was everything on hold as they were separated? He didn´t know. What Shawn knew was that he would wait for Niall if that was what he wanted, and he hoped Niall would wait for him too. The saying that distance makes the heart grow fonder would truly be put to the test. He knew though that if they made it through this they could make it through anything.

He took a deep breath and that was when he noticed the single sheet of paper beside his head, which he had rolled onto when he had woken up. He sat up again, Shawn unfolded the paper and started reading.

_Shawn_

_Good morning! When you read this I´ll probably already be long gone, sorry for that. I didn´t have the heart to wake you up just to have to make a heartfelt and teary goodbye. I wish we didn´t have to go to separate sides of the globe but know I will be thinking of you and long for our reunion._

_You can stay in my house as long as you want. What´s mine is yours still apply. There is a spare key in a box in the drawer to the right under the TV. Use it when you leave and then you can keep it. We´ll see each other again before you know it._

_Have an awesome time in Japan. Someday maybe we can go together? Thank you for you know giving me a chance, we will take the world by storm. Together_ _♥_

_Love you the most always, your Nialler xx_

_P.S. I took your hoodie, hope that was fine. I would offer you to borrow one from me in return but I´m afraid we´re not the same size. Man, I´m jealous of that delightful height and those arm muscles (;_

Shawn stared at the letter. He felt warmth at the letter but also a bit of fear. Last night having Niall here with him had put those fears to rest. Now sitting here alone in Niall´s bed however brought back all of those buts. He also felt that everything was going so fast. Too fast.

Niall wanted him to keep a key to his house. It was not the same as asking him to move in or anything but Shawn could still imagine it. Having a toothbrush in Niall´s bathroom, an extra pair of shoes on the doormat beside the front door. He could see himself living with Niall here or somewhere else. He could see himself having a life with Niall. He was scared about his own feelings and the intensity with which they were making themselves known.

He sighed, he dreamed about being with Niall every day and the reality was that they wouldn´t see each other in weeks maybe even months. Shawn felt a pang of sadness and his chest felt tight at the thought and he pushed it away, as long as he didn´t let himself think about being separated from Niall it wouldn´t hurt so much. Maybe he would start to believe it too if he kept telling himself so over and over again. He wasn´t ready to take the world by storm together with Niall, and he was afraid he never would be.

The idea of Niall wearing his clothes made him blush, that was also a boyfriend thing to do. He chuckled at Niall´s comment about their size. He had to tell Niall how wonderful he thought his body was and his height was perfect too. Perfect for him to be able to lean his head against Shawn´s shoulder without needing to compensate. Niall was perfect just as he was, perfect for Shawn at the very least. Niall was _his_ little Irish leprechaun. In his mind Niall was his and he wanted to be Niall´s.

Shawn had no extra clothes with him, he had not planned on staying over after all. He always changed underwear every morning and Niall had borrowed his hoodie. He shook his head, he couldn´t do that, could he? But then again no one would know and Niall would probably find it appealing. It was still such an intimate thing to do.

He made his way out of bed and to the dresser in the corner of the room. He felt like a creep snooping around in someone else´s house. The first drawer was filled with socks, the next drawer had what he was looking for though.

When he opened the drawer he was met with mostly black and white boxer briefs, there were a few Calvin Klein´s among them. Shawn hummed, Niall had good taste. He leafed through the pile of underwear and stopped about halfway through. He took the pair out and unfolded them. He had to laugh, it was a pair of white boxers with a green four-leaf clover pattern. They looked to have been washed a great number of times and to be at least a few years old.

They were perfect though, they were so Niall and he wanted something that made him think of the other man. He couldn´t resist to smell them a little, of course they only smelled like detergent. But it was Niall´s detergent so it still made Shawn think of Niall anyway.

Shawn looked around the room even if he logically knew that he was alone he still felt very insecure as he took off his own boxers before sliding on Niall´s. They fit perfectly, down there they seemed to be about the same size. He stored that information in the back of his mind.

He went back to bed in Niall´s boxers. He sat down on the edge and took up his phone from the nightstand to send Niall a good morning message, unexpectedly but not entirely surprising there was already one from Niall waiting on him.

**SHIALL**

Niall had collapsed in his seat on the plane the moment he had boarded. He had probably heard the safety instructions several hundred times by now and would be able to recite them if woken up in the middle of the night. The last thing he had been thinking about before dosing off in his seat, with the hood of Shawn´s hoodie up cocooning himself from the world around him, was the image of Shawn´s sleeping form in his bed before he closed the door and left this morning.

He was woken up after about maybe two hours since they had left L.A. Niall could feel a hand on his shoulder and blinked a bit disoriented. At first he thought he was waking up at home in his bed with Shawn. He turned in his seat and opened his eyes but the seat beside him was empty. It had just felt so natural, he had had an instinct to turn around and kiss Shawn on the lips right then and there. He had probably done so too if the other lad had been beside him.

“Sir, a meal will be served in just a little while but would you want any refreshments before then?” Niall shook his head remembering that there was a hand on his shoulder. There was a flight attendant standing over him, looking kind but apologetic, probably because she had had to wake him up he thought.

Niall swallowed before talking, his voice always sounded so wrecked when he had first woken up. “Thanks mam but I think I´ll wait for the meal” he said just wishing to be left alone for a while. The attendant nodded and smiled a small smile before telling him to just let anyone of the personnel on the flight know if he changed his mind. Niall nodded and thanked her again before she continued on her way down the aisle.

Niall took up his phone and switched on flight mode before going to his messages. Shawn had not sent him anything. It was still morning in L.A. and they had been up half of the night so it would make sense that Shawn had yet to wake up. But Niall was still a bit afraid that Shawn would be angry that he had just taken up and left without waking him up first to say goodbye.

He sighed and typed out a message of his own. _Waking up to kiss you and nobody´s there._ He couldn´t help but to let out a startled laughed when he realized that he had just typed out and sent Shawn the first line of his song _This Town._ He had felt a desire to kiss Shawn and then had found himself alone in a row of the airplane though.

He put down his phone again before putting on his earphones deciding to listen to some music or maybe watch a movie. There was no chance he would be able to fall back asleep and either way there was a meal coming up soon.

He went through the selection the plane provided and stopped when he saw Shawn´s latest album. Niall had listened to _Illuminate_ several times but he found himself unable to not do so again. Just hearing Shawn´s voice in his ears made him relax and smile feeling content for the first time since leaving earlier that morning. Even if Shawn was not with him he could still have and enjoy some pieces of him. He curled up in the too big hoodie and closed his eyes.

Just as the album went to an end the same attendant as before came back with the promised meal. Niall´s felt his stomach twist and grumble, had hadn´t eaten much for breakfast this morning after all. The attendant chuckled and handed over the package of food and asked what he wanted to drink. After handing over a bottle of water she continued through the plane.

The meal was chicken with pasta which only made Niall think of Shawn and their dinner. It wasn´t at all as tasty and there was no sauce with it. The chicken was seasoned though but sparsely. He was hungry however and it was food.

Everything he did and experienced at the moment seemed to make him think about Shawn, everything came back to him. When he had finished eating he took up his phone again and there was an answering message this time.

_Shawn Peter Raul Mendes: The smell of your… cologne still stuck in the air._ Niall smiled and shook his head, this was not really what he had thought about when writing _This Town_ but the lyrics really seemed to fit their current situation. At least he hoped Shawn was feeling the same as him and was not just playing along. He sent back an _It´s hard._

It only took a few minutes before Shawn answered this time. _Shawn Peter Raul Mendes: The pillows do still smell like you, you know._ Niall felt something at that, thinking about Shawn laying in his bed and drawing in breaths and thinking about him, missing him. He felt like he should come clean with the meaning of his first message as well. _And I really did wake up wanting to kiss you._

_Shawn Peter Raul Mendes: Ugh, we´re hopeless._

Niall laughed at that but when he thought about it, they kind of were. It was rather silly to be this lovey-dovey with someone you had just started a relationship with. Niall had never imagined he would to be like this with anyone period, let alone wanting to be. But they had just gotten together and they did love each other so Niall thought they had reasonable reasons to be a bit stupid when it came to each other. He was ridiculously fond of Shawn after all and if others would think they were one of those couples then so be it.

But even if he knew it was ridiculous on some level he did miss Shawn already even if they had just been in bed together mere hours ago. Just the knowledge that they would have to spend so much time apart was hard. Niall sent away two messages before he could talk himself out of it. _Haha, but yea we are. I left this morning and I already miss you xx,_ followed by, _It will be hard being apart for so long._ Even if it was only a message he felt that the mournful feeling that was suddenly consuming him got through just from those few words.

Shawn´s reply made him smile though and his melancholy moment was over before it had even really started. _Shawn Peter Raul Mendes: I miss you too._ Even if they were apart they were not alone, ever. He said as much to Shawn as well to reassure them both. _We´re in this together._

Just as Shawn had sent back a _Together_ of his own he heard someone clear their throat and he looked up. It was the same flight attendant as before, with the kind and apologetic eyes. She looked a bit embarrassed before asking what was on her mind. “Excuse me sir but are you Niall Horan?”

Niall tilted his head to the side and smiled, he could tell the person in front of him was not certain and it was always nice not being recognised right away and treated like you were on a flower pedestal. To just be treated like everyone else, with being a part of One Direction that had become a rarity. He nodded though “the one and only” he chuckled and then added “well only popstar at least” and the flight attendant heaved a sigh of relief.

“My daughter would have killed me if she had known I attended  _the_ Niall Horan and almost didn´t even realize it.” Niall laughed at that, it was always fun meeting fans parents. “I actually believe ya there, good thing you did realize then” he smiled encouraging at her. She smiled back and gestured to the empty seat beside Niall. Niall nodded in response he was not opposed to some company and the woman seemed nice. She sat down and then chuckled lightly.

“I almost didn´t, she talks about so many boys and it all goes in through one ear and out the other” Niall just kept smiling, he knew how the fangirls were they literally could give you blisters in your ears and that just from talking. She tilted her head “she has a ton of posters covering the walls in her bedroom, you are on quite a few” Niall´s smile become bigger and warmer, it was always nice hearing about people appreciating him and what he did. “If it wasn´t for those blue eyes I would probably have missed it, in her posters you have blonde hair, the brown suits you though” she said decisively.

“Thanks, at the beginning it was weird for me too” he liked his hair, he never got why it became such a big thing though it was just a change in colour, “it was such a long time since I was fully brunette.”

The woman in the seat beside him seemed to hesitate but then she looked at him before saying “I don´t want to overstep or anything but maybe you could sign something for my daughter? It would really make her so happy.” Niall felt a little bad that he hadn´t offered himself, but of course he would sign something. He looked around and there was a napkin in the seat folder in front of him.

He unfolded it and the woman gave him a pencil, he looked up though frowning. “What´s her name?” the woman blushed “Oh sorry, it´s Brooke.” Niall smiled and wrote, _Hey Brooke, heard you were a big fan, thank you for the support it means a lot. Don´t forget to thank your mum and stay awesome, Niall._ He looked at the message and finished it of with both a small heart and an x.

The woman looked at the napkin and smiled wide “thank you so much, she literally can´t stop talking about you and Shawn, that Canadian singer, this will make her year. She loves you guys so much and I´m starting to understand why” she looked so grateful knowing she would be able to make her daughter so happy.

Niall was distracted though, after she had said Shawn´s name he couldn´t think of anything else than him. "I lo...” he coughed to mask that he had just been about to say something. He had been so close to just blurt out  _I love Shawn too_  but bit down on his lip at the last minute and stopped the words from leaving his mouth. Him blurting out something like that could end with a disaster. If she would read too much into it or rather read it just right, if someone overheard and it got spread. He shuddered and shook his head he had to rain it in, he could not out him and Shawn´s relationship.

He knew what would happen. The tabloids would go crazy and everything would end up with headlines like _Shawn Mendes and Niall Horan Secret Love Affair_ or _Niall Horan the Gay One in 1D, Dating Shawn Mendes_ or maybe something like _You Wouldn´t Believe Which Two Male Popstars Just Hooked Up, Dating or Friends with Benefits_? as well as _Fangirl Hearts Break for Good as These Two Heartthrobs Are Taken off the Market, Dating Each Other._

It didn´t matter to the tabloids that neither he nor Shawn were actually gay, or he didn´t think they were at least. Niall wasn´t, he loved Shawn and didn´t want anyone else ever if he got to decide. But he had had feelings and sexual desires for females in the past. The papers would make it all about the teen idols gay relationship though, just because they were two guys dating each other. He didn’t want to hide and had never felt the need to before. This was something he couldn´t just blurt out on the street though, not something that could just come out in the blue.

He didn´t even know what Shawn wanted either. They would have to talk about it. All he knew was that he wanted their relationship to be public, not right away but he didn´t want to hide forever either. He just wanted them to be a couple like everyone else, or as much like everyone else you could be with them both being international popstars that is. He was also certain that he wanted their coming out to be on their own conditions. So he had to be careful and think about what he said from now on.

He must have been quiet for a while because Brooke´s mum laid that comforting hand on his shoulder which mad him come back to the present conversation. “Sorry, just lost in me own thoughts” she smiled and gave him space. Niall swallowed and thought before saying “Shawn is awesome you know we plan on working together, your daughter has great taste in music.” Talking about their music was safe ground.

She laughed “I´ll be sure to tell her that, thank you again for taking your time and being so nice and accommodating.”

Niall smiled relived and felt himself relax again after the near slip he had earlier “it was my pleasure, the fans means a lot to me and it´s nice being able to give back.” She patted him lightly on the shoulder and stood up after putting the napkin in the pocket of her blazer. She gave him another small smile before going towards the front and the flight attendants workstation near the cockpit.

Niall took a deep breath and relaxed back in his seat. It was several hours left of the flight but he had a lot of things to think about so he was grateful for the hours of solitude ahead.


	9. Home Is Where the Heart Is

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Niall arrives home in London, but it doesn't feel the same. He also has another phone call with Louis.

**Chapter 9: Home Is Where the Heart Is**

When Niall had landed in London it had already been after midnight local time. That he had slept as little as he had the night before and had only been able to sleep fitfully and not for extended periods of time on the flight was beneficial now as he was exhausted. It helped him adjust to the time difference as he didn´t at all have the desire to be up all night as was sometimes the case after flying home from Los Angeles.

He had taken a cab to his place and was now closing the door behind him. It was nice being home even though it felt as something was missing. Last time Niall had been here he had been content being just him and being home meeting people and just living his life as the bachelor he was. Now it was different, now he wanted the domestic things coming with a relationship and he wanted it with Shawn.

He sighed and left the bag just inside the entrance of the house. He did not have the energy to unpack tonight, he had stopped on his way home and bought some takeout as the fridge was understandably empty. He took the cartoon into his bedroom and sat on the edge eating directly from the box. It was sushi from a Japanese place just around the corner.

He hadn´t done it deliberately, he hadn´t really thought as much as he had just gone to one of the places he liked. But sitting there with the box in his lap and a pair of chop sticks in his hand he had to conclude that he had a one tracked mind at the moment, his brain was bringing his thought back to Shawn whatever he did it always ended up with Shawn in the forefront of his mind in one way or another.

He moved around some of the pieces thinking about how much better it would be if he had just been able to eat sushi with Shawn in Japan. Soon though he told himself, soon. They would be able to go on trips together, share all the small and big things and experience the world with each other. Even if they would have their own things to attend they would be able to work their schedules around each other and include the other in their plans in the future. When they were officially and publically together it would all work out just fine, he was sure of it.

Until then they would have to make it work as best they could. He quickly finished eating before putting away the carton before taking out his phone. Shawn had not written anything else since their conversation earlier. He bit his lip before typing out a goodnight text _Home safe and sound, wish you were here to make the bed less lonely. Love you, miss you xx_

It was on the verge of comical or just really tragic, how much one night and the promise of more with Shawn had affected him. How much love had the potential to change everything. He had only ever shared a bed with Shawn for one night and yet now being in bed on his own felt cold and empty.

He didn´t wait for Shawn to answer, instead he burrowed himself under the blanket and closed his eyes. He was still wearing the hoodie that he had borrowed from Shawn, it was still smelling faintly like Shawn had the day before and it made Niall relax and he fell asleep with a small smile on his lips.

When he woke up the next morning he turned over and sighed. He felt a bit gross after sleeping in his clothes from the flight, he was also rudely reminded that he had forgotten to brush his teeth the night before. He could literally feel how stale his breath was at the moment. Okay maybe he had not forgotten but neglected to do so as he had been so drained after the long flight, now he was regretting that decision though.

When he stood in his bathroom with the toothbrush sticking out of his mouth he looked at himself in the mirror, he wondered if it was obvious, he didn´t see any difference in his appearance but maybe others would. Folk said that people that were pregnant glowed and that people in love had that special shine about them, that new and exciting happiness bubbling underneath the surface.

Maybe people would be able to see and notice that they were in love when he and Shawn were together but he thought and hoped it wasn´t that noticeable otherwise. Louis had been able to tell he was interested in someone even when he didn´t know it though and that only from him smiling looking at the screen of his phone. Niall wasn´t all that certain he was doing such a good job at concealing his feelings from the rest of the world. He shook his head, it didn´t matter if people knew he was in love they still wouldn´t know that he was in love with Shawn.

He changed his clothes opting for breakfast before taking a shower. He was going into the studio later today, it had been planned for a while. He loved it and were excited to work on his new music but it could become long days and he was still a little tired after the long flight. So much for the glorious life as a popstar, it was hard work and much more than the fancy clothes and fame that people made it out to be. It was his life though and he enjoyed every minute of it, or well almost every minute. Some days he just wanted to stay in bed like everyone else.

Of course his house was empty except for some canned food and the like in one of the cabinets. He had to go out grocery shopping and he didn´t look forward to it. Maybe he could just go and buy a sandwich as the closest Tesco and then stop at a supermarket on the way home from the studio to purchase the essentials.

He took up his phone checking the time, he also noticed he had a new message from Shawn. _Shawn Peter Raul Mendes:_ _Morning love, you should know that your pillow is not a good Niall substitute /:_

Niall couldn´t help but laugh at the image he got in his head of Shawn hugging his pillow fantasizing about it being Niall instead. It also made his heart grow a size or two knowing that Shawn was missing Niall just as much as Niall was missing him. The text also applied that Shawn had stayed another night at his house which made Niall smile. A house was not a home, wherever Shawn were though Niall had started to think about as home. It really lay some truth in the saying, home is where the heart is. Home is not a specific place, home is the people you care about the most.

He was about to respond but was interrupted by someone calling him. It was not a big deal however as Shawn would probably be sleeping anyway. He looked at the caller ID and saw that it was Louis, they hadn´t really talked since he confessed his love for Shawn, Niall frowned before answering.

He could here a noise in the background before a door was slammed shut, meaning Louis had probably separated himself from the rest of his family to have some privacy “uh, hey Lou.”

He was expecting a greeting or some lightly teasing comment but Louis just chuckled and said not unkindly but with some authority in his voice “is it Shawn´s?” What, Niall was confused by that question and just blurted out a “what?” Louis made an impatient noise as if he thought Niall knew exactly what he had asked about and was just stalling.

“The hoodie of course, is it Shawn´s” Niall didn’t know what to say. How would Louis know about the hoodie? How did Louis know everything before he had even processed it himself and were ready to talk about it? He swallowed and tried to actually stall this time “eh, what hoodie?”

Louis actually laughed at that “don´t play dumb now Niall, or well dumber than you actually are” Niall could hear and see the snicker he knew Louis was sporting on the other side of the line. He sighed and rolled his eyes.

“Okay fine, it´s Shawn´s” he frowned wondering if Louis had secret spies or something, or maybe he really had a sixth sense. “How would you know though?”

“I knew it” Louis exclaimed almost shouted and Niall could practically hear Louis jumping around and fist bumping the air. “So this is why you have been so absent recently and haven´t had time for old me, you have spent all your time with your new beau.” Niall groaned but smiled fondly, he would never admit it to Louis but he actually enjoyed the teasing. He wasn´t going to just accept it though.

“It´s not like that” he said, but it sounded a bit weak even to his own ears and he was certain that Louis would not fall for it.

It was a bit like that if he was perfectly honest. Even if he and Shawn had not been together for more than about 24 hours, he had been very preoccupied with Shawn lately. He really took up most of his waking hours, everything made him think about Shawn and other things in life did not seem as significant as they once had.

The smirk could be heard in Louis´ voice as he said with amusement “oh so you just took his hoodie to have something of his as you were going to miss him so much.” Niall groaned and even winced a little because that was not that far of the mark to be honest. He had taken it to have something physical of Shawn´s when they were separated.

Louis had been able to decipher more than Niall had anticipated from that single defeated little groan and wince because he laughed again before saying “oh my gosh, you did didn´t you?” After a few seconds he added sounding almost impressed “didn´t think you had it in you Nialler.”

Niall heaved a sigh but then he laughed too because he knew how this sounded. Louis already knew he loved Shawn though so he shouldn´t really be surprised that he would miss him and that he wanted something like this when they were on different sides if the bloody planet.

“Borrowed” he said because that was an important detail. “What?” Niall smiled it was nice not being the confused one. “I didn´t take the hoodie, I borrowed it.”

Louis laughed as if it didn´t really matter. “He has you under a spell I´m telling you, I have never seen you like this before mate.” Niall had never felt like this before, he had had flings and relationships before but they and never been the sole focus of his attention, they had  never taken up every second of his day with the person filling his every thought and desire. He had never felt like his future was the relationship, that the person he was interested in was the same thing as his future. He had never thought of just one person when thinking if home before.

“I´ve never felt like this before” he could hear Louis make a sweet awing sound, but not teasing for once it was more as if he couldn´t hold it back and that he genuinely thought Niall was being adorable. Which was a little weird, Niall had actually preferred it if Louis had continued the teasing.

Louis hummed before it sounded like he sat down. “Seriously though are you still unhappily in love, is Shawn still unaware of how you feel about him?” Niall couldn´t help but chuckle at that, seemed like Louis didn´t know everything after all.

He snickered, he had to tease Louis back a little it was only fair. “Wouldn´t you want to know?” He said and then became quiet. He heard Louis gasp and laughed. “No way, you told him?”

Niall bit his lip, he would tell him sooner or later but it was fun making him wonder for a little while longer “maybe I did or maybe I didn´t” at the whine coming from Louis he started to laugh.

“Ni come ooooooon” Niall only laughed harder at his pleading. “You know I´m a romantic at heart and that I wanted to be a drama teacher before One Direction happened.” Niall just smiled and shook his head, Louis would not stop before he had gotten Niall to give in.

Niall did want to talk about it too even if he was still processing everything himself. He wanted to be able to tell someone how amazing Shawn was. Not to sound mushy or anything, but he wanted to be able to gush about his new boyfriend. He wanted to be one of those people that others rolled their eyes at fondly because they just sounded so in love just by casually talking about their significant other. Because that was how he felt, Shawn had made him soft.

“Fine, fine” he made it sound like it was going to be a hardship, couldn´t give too much away “what do ya want to know?”

“Everything, from the start and don´t leave out any details” Louis sounded so excited that Niall couldn´t help but feel a bit euphoric too. He was about to tell one of his best friends about his boyfriend and how they got together after all.

He did leave out some of the details, Louis didn´t need to know that though and some things should stay private. He never told him about his thoughts under the food fight and also left out the wanking part only saying that Shawn had been thinking out loud and that Niall had overheard him. The rest he pretty much told uncensored.

Louis had seemed to get more and more excited as the story continued. Niall had had to laugh a few times, Louis was a bit like the fangirls, a cheerleader of sorts. Louis lived for drama though and he guessed his and Shawn’s relationship was a pretty dramatic one so far with a lot happening in such a short period of time.

“I can´t believe you actually snatched up Shawn Mendes mate, that´s something” Niall nodded even if Louis couldn´t see him.

Niall couldn´t help but smile and say “yeah, I feel really fucking lucky” and he really did. Shawn was the best and that he wanted to be with him still made Niall wonder if he was asleep and would wake up realizing that this was all just a dream.

“Fangirls all over the world will be _so_ jealous” Louis chuckled simultaneously as Niall groaned knowing that it was inevitable.

“I´m actually looking forward to really be with Shawn you know, someday just telling the world and then just be. Not looking forward to the reaction of all the fans however” and the tabloids he silently added. It would be a circus and he just wanted to be able to openly love the one person he wanted to spend his life with.

Louis hummed “it will be news worthy for a while for sure, you will be the new number one LGBT couple no question about it.” Niall knew that but didn´t know what to think about it. He didn´t want to in the middle of some fight for human rights, he just wanted to be with Shawn and do what they loved, music. That was it.

“I wouldn´t be so sure about the fans being a problem though” Louis continued as if he was mostly thinking to himself instead of talking to Niall. “What do you mean?” Niall prompted to spur Louis along.

“Some would be jealous for sure but most would adapt and I believe you could become the next big ship, not the next Larry but you know…” Niall laughed at that because he had never thought about it like that before.

Larry was often a topic that they left well and truly alone and buried but hearing Louis use it as a joke was quite refreshing. Maybe he was right though maybe it would just become another way for fangirls to well fangirl. He knew there were quite a few people already interested in their _friendship_ and their collaboration, why wouldn´t they also love the idea of them dating? He smiled, he quite liked the idea of social media update accounts dedicated to their love and people looking up to them as their new couple goals and OTP.

He suddenly thought about something he had asked but Louis had never answered. “You never told me how you knew” he was really curious about that part actually.

Louis laughed “I´ve told my sisters to not google us but…” oh gosh it was all over the internet then. “How bad is it?” he was suddenly a bit nervous about people figuring it out and them being outed.

Not that just because you were using someone’s clothes you were automatically dating, but rumors fueled speculation and then everything would be investigated by millions of fans. He knew how it worked after so many years in the spotlight.

It was different this time though, it was different because if rumors started up it would be more than just rumors. It would be unconfirmed truth, or at least parts of it would be. Normally when rumors started they could be dismissed and if needed he could also state that they were untrue. But this time he would not be able to do anything because he would never dismiss something that was true or delude to that it wasn´t.  

“Nah don´t fret, it was just some pictures form the airport nothing to worry about.” Niall let about a breath, he had tensed up a bit as well but now he could feel himself relax slightly. “Shawn is a bit longer than you though so it´s quite obvious it´s not your hoodie, the internet is just full of speculations.”

Niall could handle that. He was suddenly glad that Shawn´s hoodie wasn´t anything remarkably special, it wasn´t very characteristic or anything and could literally have come from anyone´s closet. Well anyone around six feet two inches that is. He chuckled you would think he would have thought about this before but he literally forgot people were interested about everything concerning him from what he wore to what he ate. Fame was a strange concept.

He heard a banging on the door on Louis´ side and Louis shouted something and the banging stopped. “Afraid I have to call this short, family calls” he said it as if he was annoyed at the fact but Niall knew how much Louis loved his family and how much he enjoyed spending time with his siblings.

“Sure thing Tommo, say hi to them all from uncle Niall” he knew Louis was smiling on the other side. Then Louis chuckled “oh I will, will also tell them I know the story behind the hoodie and they will become so jealous.” Niall laughed, Louis was such a tease but he was also a great big brother.

There was another banging noise on the door on the other side of the line and Louis excused himself and the call ended. Niall shook his head again, if someone had told him this would be where he would be a few months ago he would have never believed them but he wouldn´t change anything if he could. Well that was untrue, if he could he would have made it so that he and Shawn would be able to be together right now. If he had been able to decide he would be home in Shawn´s arms instead of sitting in his empty London house.


	10. Boyfriends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Niall attends a few of the Brit Awards after parties. Nick overhears a phone call.

**Chapter 10: Boyfriends**

Niall was full of energy as he went into the Warner Music after party for the Brit Awards that had been taken place earlier that evening. He had seen a few people he knew and he had missed socialising with a mostly British crowd, it felt good being back here again. He had seen people like Dua Lipa, Ed Sheeran and Nick Grimshaw milling around. The only one missing was Harry, they were all friends of his. Niall liked them all as well but wasn’t as close to them as Harry was.

Niall fondly remembered Drake´s after party that he had attended after the AMA´s, then he had attended the party together with Shawn and afterwards they had gone home to his place to sing together and hang out. It had been the first time they had sung together and it was without a doubt one of the most special moments of his life. He loved singing with people, he had been in a boy band for years after all, but singing with Shawn was something else. He just felt a special connection between them, be it doing music or just simply looking at the other man. That special connection was always there whenever they interacted with each other.

He had of course not known back then what it was that was so special. They had not attended the party together as more than colleagues and friends either naturally but he could see them doing so now. Not just going to the same party and spending time together afterwards but to actually arrive together maybe even holding hands. Work the room together and just being there as a couple. Niall wanted that. Someday he told himself.

Niall sighed there was all these awesome people and friends around, his band had just won an award for the best music video for the fourth year in a row. And yet here he was thinking about Shawn and how much he missed him and wished he was here with him right now.

It was rather remarkable that they had won. He had not expected that. They had been on a hiatus for more than a year and yet their fans still stood behind them both as a group and as individuals as they perused their solo careers. It was quite unbelievable. Liam had said it perfectly, even when they were apart and on a break they were still One Direction and they always would be.

Niall went over to the corner of the room, said hi to a few people on the way, before he took out his phone. He had already tweeted about the win and thanked people around the band as well as Liam for representing them at the awards. He felt like sending another tweet though, the fans amazed him being so dedicated and doing it for them over and over again.

Niall Horan √ @NiallOfficial · Feb 22  
Still in shock . You guys are incredible , thank you

“Oh hiya Niall” he felt a hand clap him on the shoulder and he looked up from his phone as he had just sent away his tweet. “It wouldn´t be the Brits or the after parties without at least one member from the most famous boyband” Nick Grimshaw said and smiled wide.

“Hi Nick, you enjoying yourself?” Niall said and smiled back. Nick looked excited and ready for a long night, it was rubbing of on Niall. “You know me, always down for a party. Going to DJ later at the Universal after party.”

Niall nodded “cool, looking forward to it” he hadn´t been sure if he would attend both parties before now but he decided he would tag along. It was a lot of fun and he did look forward to maybe some dancing or at least swaying to the music as well as maybe a drink or two.

“Great, see you around” Nick said, then he nodded to himself before adding “we should get together with Harry someday, was way too long since I spent time with two of you boys at the same time.”

Niall actually liked that idea. He had not only been a bit unsocial with Louis over some period of time. He had really been isolating himself a bit with all that had been going on inside his head and with all the thoughts and feelings about Shawn. Both he and Harry were in London at the moment though so it would be a perfect opportunity to meet up.

“Definitely” Niall agreed. Nick looked ecstatic before clapping him on the shoulder one more time and heading over to talk to someone else.

After that he mostly talked to people about his upcoming music and about the show. He was just really having a good time. He saw Ellie around and they had hugged and chatted for a little while. Last time he had seen her Shawn had been with them. He chastised himself, but he really couldn´t help to think about Shawn almost every second of every day.

When in the studio everything had brought back memories, thoughts and feelings about Shawn as well. Old songs that had not been consciously about Shawn had now new meanings. And when he thought about writing new songs all he could think about was writing about how he felt about him and what they had and could have if they let themselves. What he dreamt of having. Niall chuckled to himself as they were heading to the Universal party. He really was a fool in love.

**SHIALL**

Nick had just been taking a small break so there was only some background music on when his phone went off. Therefore Niall thought he could take it right there in the middle of the club. When he saw it was Shawn calling however he suddenly wanted it to be in privacy. He wanted to be able to say whatever without being nervous of people overhearing him.

It was also the factor of him not wanting to risk saying something he shouldn´t with other people around. He hadn´t drunk much really but it was still enough that his filter may be a bit off and it was hard enough holding back the feelings normally without any alcohol in his system.

He had been leaning against the wall but now looked around thinking of where he could hide out and talk to Shawn without being interrupted. He didn´t see any good options but decided the bathroom would still be a better choice than staying out here with all the other partygoers. Niall had been thinking and contemplating so much that he had forgot to actually answer the phone. “Hi mate” he said when he answered after about half a minute of his phone constant ringing, blasting out Treat You Better. He had had Shawn´s song as his ringtone for a while now.

“Niall, I was starting to think you were asleep” it was so nice to hear Shawn´s voice again. Niall could feel his face lit up, he looked around as he made his way towards the bathrooms wondering if anyone was watching him and if it would be obvious to them just form his smile that he was talking to someone he loved.

Someone laughed a little too loud and Niall had to change his course slightly to avoid someone that probably had had one too many. “Niall?” Shawn asked, oh yea he should probably talk not only marvel at Shawn and the reaction he was installing in him by his mere existence.

“Sorry I´m at a party, going to find someplace to talk” he said as he went around a corner there were a pair of washrooms here and then one a bit further down the hall. He opened the door to the closest one but it had someone using the urinals and someone else were in one of the stalls, or maybe there were two in there. Niall wrinkled his nose not wanting to talk to Shawn with some strangers hooking up meters away.

Shawn chuckled “I could call later if it´s a bad time” he sad and Niall stopped and shook his head then remembered Shawn couldn´t see him. Then he laughed, okay maybe he was a little bit drunk. Shawn sounded amused when he said “really you seem to be a bit preoccupied.” Niall could imagine Shawn raising his eyebrows.

“No, I love talking to you just give me a minute” he made his way into the other bathroom at the end of the corridor and luckily it was empty, he was lucky most people were lazy and didn´t put in more effort than they needed to.

He sat down in the corner than sighed and smiled. “Hi, how are you? I missed you today” he said sincerely, he knew he had already said hi but he felt like doing it a second time when they were alone.

“I´m good, probably not as good as you though” Niall frowned, what did that mean? “Just wanted to call and say congratulations to the win tonight, I´m so proud of you.”

“Oh thanks” Niall said but the felt like he also had to say “it wasn´t just me thought, it was all of the boys and the team and everyone” Shawn hummed fondly in response.

“Yes, but I´m still proud of _you_ ” and okay Niall did feel something twist inside of him at that. Shawn was proud of him. He hoped Shawn was both proud of him because of his accomplishments as well as that he was proud to be able to call him his. Niall was proud of Shawn and proud to be able to call Shawn his own, if only in his head. “I´m proud of you too” he therefore said.

Shawn laughed at that and asked “why?” Niall felt his head being a little foggy, he wasn´t up to become mushy so he only answered with “just am” which was the truth too. Shawn didn´t really need to do anything for Niall to feel a warm and proud feeling rise in his chest. He just needed to be himself for Niall to feel proud of him.

Shawn let out a breath before saying “yeah, you know I would be proud of you even if you didn´t win too right?” Niall smiled. That meant Shawn was proud of him and not only his accomplishments. It was a great feeling to feel that you were enough for someone just the way you were. For Shawn Niall was enough.

“Thanks… ya too.” Niall and One Direction had several Brits, he was sure Shawn would have several Juno´s too soon. “I´m sure that you´ll definitely win a few Juno´s though.” He would be proud of Shawn either way but he was sure Shawn would win at least a few of them. Otherwise the whole of Canada would be foolish.

“Maybe, there is a lot of amazing Canadian artists though.” Niall shook his head “but no one as good as you” Shawn laughed at that sounding a bit overwhelmed and exasperated. Niall had only said what everyone knew was the truth though, there was only one Shawn Mendes and he was the best. In Niall´s eyes Shawn was pretty much perfect.

“You have to say that, you know being my… boyfriend and all” Shawn´s voice had catched a little on the word boyfriend. But he still sounded confident saying it if a bit emotional.

Niall had known that he and Shawn had been like boyfriends for weeks maybe even months, he knew that in his mind he referred to Shawn as his boyfriend but this was the first time one of them had said it out loud. He wanted to hug and kiss Shawn because this was one of those moments, one of the firsts in a relationship. But here he was on the phone sitting on the floor of a bathroom, suddenly he missed Shawn more than ever even though they were talking to each other.

He swallowed “me, biased… such accusations” he heard Shawn chuckle and smiled. “Okay maybe I´m a little biased but it´s still the truth” he wouldn´t budge there Shawn was amazing and he deserved everything this world could give.

They were both silent for a moment and then Niall said “boyfriend…” he closed his eyes just basking in the feeling. Of having and being someone´s boyfriend, being in a relationship with someone you truly loved was a feeling that was hard to beat. They were officially together and it felt amazing even if it was only official between them.

They both echoed the word boyfriends before they started to laugh. You know the feeling of being so happy it just bubbles out of you, that was how Niall was feeling. Even being apart they had never been closer, you could be together in so many more ways than physically being in the same place. Right then on the bathroom floor talking and laughing with his boyfriend Niall felt on top of the world.

**SHIALL**

Nick was having a blast. He had his regular breakfast show on the radio in the morning but at the moment he was having too much fun to cut the night short. He would probably regret that decision but he followed the motto that you only had one life, so make every minute count. Carpe diem.

He had just finished the first block of DJ duties at the Universal after party of the Brit Awards. It was about two am already, he decided he would at least stay an hour more. He could bring the biggest coffee known to man to the studio in the morning, the rule about no beverage when on air be damned.

Taking a break from being the music meister of the party Nick made his way to the bathroom at the end of the hall. He had learned the hard way that at parties like this you should stay away from the closest bathrooms, the ones more secluded would both be cleaner and you decreased the risk of seeing or hearing something you _really_ didn´t want to either see or hear. He also chose the stall the furthest away from the entrance door for the same reasons.

Nick was just about to open the stall door after finishing his business when he heard the door to the bathroom open and someone entering the room. That someone was talking, first he thought it was several people but after a few seconds he concluded the person on the other side was just on the phone.

When he listened more closely he recognized the voice and the laugh that rang through the room. He would know that laugh and Irish accent from anywhere, what was Niall Horan doing on the phone in a more secluded bathroom in the middle of the night?

Nick knew he should probably leave or at least make his presence known by flushing the toilet or something. Niall apparently wanted privacy though and it could get awkward if he just burst out of the stall in the middle of his conversation. It wasn’t like he was really listening in or anything either so no harm done.

Well he hadn´t been, but know when he had thought about it he couldn´t help but overhear the conversation taking place on the other side of the thin wall of his cubicle. Niall and the other person were only talking about being proud or whatever and awards though, it didn´t seem all that personal to Nick. Maybe Niall had just gone in here to get some peace and quiet, and Nick didn´t need to feel bad for eavesdropping.

It had probably been about five minutes maybe ten and Nick started to get a bit impatient and a little bored, they sure seemed to have a lot to talk about. One sided conversations were never really something Nick had liked listening too. He had been going on adrenalin all night but being stuck in this bathroom for an extended period of time was also making the tiredness in his body start to catch up on him and making itself known. He had to hold back a yawn to not alert Niall of his presence in the bathroom.

He was about to forgo his earlier decision a few minutes later and just make his way out of the cubicle when he heard one word come from the other side that made him stop his movements to open the door and reveal himself. Niall had said “boyfriend”, Nick was sure of it. It wasn´t the word that had made Nick stop it was more the way he had said it. He had sounded so wistful and happy.

Did Niall have a girlfriend? Nick had no recent recollection of Niall with anyone not even serious rumors and Nick was someone that loved gossip, he was often on top of the rumor mill. Now he was curious so he stayed put, Niall said “boyfriends” this time and then he started to laugh. Nick was frustrated, he would have done almost anything to get to hear the other side of the conversation too.

He also wished he could have seen Niall´s face and his facial expression. One’s expression could tell you more about a person’s true feelings and intents than any words could. Which was ironic coming from him taken in consideration he was a radio host and DJ. He made a living where talking was the only form of communication.

Then he realized something and his eyes widened, he clapped a hand over his mouth to prevent himself from letting out a gasp. Niall had not said boyfriend the second time, he had said _boyfriends_ as in plural. Meaning that not only were Niall being someone’s boyfriend he also had a boyfriend.

Nick sat back down on top of the toilet a bit shell shocked, he had not been expecting that like at all. Niall was still chatting with the mystery guy on the other side, Nick had a hard time concentrating though because Niall had just unknowingly dropped a bit of a bomb on him. Not a bad one just a kind an out of the blue one.

“I know, love you too Shawn” could be heard from the other side before a noise that could only be from Niall standing up and putting away his phone, which must mean Niall had just ended the call.

_Shawn_ and before they had talked about Juno´s which must mean _Canada_. Everything made sense then, when he thought about things it wasn´t that strange. They had chemistry for sure and everyone knew that they were great friends. But apparently no one knew that they were more than that.

The door closed and Niall must have left the bathroom, Nick did suddenly not feel ready to follow. He had not only just been unknowingly let in on the secret that Niall Horan was dating a guy, not just any guy though but Shawn Mendes. This would be a big thing when it came out. He hoped he could be there and help them through it.

Niall had said that he loved Shawn meaning that it wasn´t just a crush or dating either. Really how long had this been going on and how had they been able to hide it so well? Especially if they threw around “I love you´s” in public bathrooms. They were a serious couple though that much was clear. He felt overwhelmed, happy for them but overwhelmed.

Nick also felt impressed, if Niall was in a serious relationship surely Harry had to know about it. He was impressed because Harry had not let anything slip not even a hint, Nick hadn´t even been sensing that Harry was hiding something from him. He could most often tell when Harry was not telling him something but this time he had been none the wiser.

He already knew now though which meant that he could talk to Harry about it. Because he needed to talk to someone, he was a talker it was how he processed and dealt with things. He made his way back out there to continue running the entertainment and resolved to talk to Harry the very next day.


	11. Soulmates

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shawn has an interview in Japan. Niall visits Harry and decides to tell him he is dating a guy but is surprised to find out that he already knows.

**Chapter 11: Soulmates**

Japan was amazing, Shawn was loving every minute of his stay. He was doing magazine interviews and he had had a small intimate showcase and everything was just so incredible. Everyone here was so nice and welcoming too, they were polite and careful in a way he wasn´t used to back in North America where some people had no qualms about being all up in your face. To get to experience and meet new people as well as getting to see another culture was very rewarding. Niall had been right when he had told him he would enjoy his time here.

He was enjoying it so much that he was very happy that he already planned to come back here within the month and he would also try to add a date in Japan for his upcoming tour. Right now he was going to do an interview with TV Groove, it had been a long day but he looked forward to the interview.

He was led into a room and there was a girl sitting on a couch, the only other people around were the camera guy and a translator. It was a bit different doing interviews abroad where English was not that well used so the interviewers talked their native language and someone had to translate before he could answer. Japanese was a beautiful language though, he wished he could speak it. He had managed to learn a few words and phrases meaning “I love japan”, “thank you so much” and “you´re the best”.

The interview started with them asking about how he liked being in Japan for the first time and some questions about his music. Questions he was very comfortable answering and it was always nice to get to share his experiences with people. He was very passionate about his music and he loved talking about it.

He looked at the translator after the interviewer had asked her next question. “A lot of your songs are about love, so what is your ideal mate?” he frowned and the translator added “soulmate, romantically.”

“Eh...” he looked up for a second or so as he thought the question over carefully. “Someone that would be okay with me traveling all over the place and” he couldn´t help but smile as images of Niall laughing and cracking a joke came to mind “funny, someone who´s funny.” Niall never failed to make him feel light and happy, he was the funniest guy he knew.

“And eh…” he wanted to say something more but was a bit unsure how to formulate it to get what he wanted to say across. “You know… just someone who can grow with you and always learn and you know not stay in the past” he made an additional comment about how it sounded a bit deep and gave a smile.

All he could really think about though was that he had found that. Exactly what he searched for in a soulmate. He had found someone that wouldn’t be bothered by him traveling, because they travelled a lot themselves. He had found someone that could make him laugh and smile by just being there. He had found someone he wanted to grow with and that he wanted to evolve with together, someone he could experience life with. He had found all that in Niall.

He knew he loved Niall but soulmates? When he thought about it though it was true. What they had with each other were more than just plain love, they had a connection beyond that, something that run deeper. Niall was his soulmate. From now on every time someone asked him about someone special he knew he would think of Niall. Even if he and Niall wasn´t together he would always think about him because he was Shawn´s someone special.

People said that relationships came and went and that was a part of life but Shawn new that this time it was different. Niall would never go away, he would always stay a part of Shawn from now on, he was a part of him and it could never be undone.

The girl had started talking again and he blinked when he heard words he could understand “…One Direction, Niall Horan…” he drew in a breath. He knew that it probably was nothing out of the ordinary but the fact that he couldn´t understand the question was a bit unsettling. It almost felt like a follow up question and like the interviewer had been able to read his mind which had been full of thoughts about Niall for the last minute or so.

It was ridiculous that he got so paranoid it wasn’t like anyone would or could know about them. It was a mere coincidence that a question about his soulmate, at that being what they thought were only a hypothetical inquiry, was followed by a question about Niall. It still felt significant and he looked over to the translator.

It was just a question about their collaboration and about work. He let out a breath he could talk about that, so he told them how he had been sick and how they hadn´t been able to go into the studio yet but that they had a vison and it would be great once they got the opportunity to work on it more.

When he thought about it though he realized that a question about their collaboration was not that different from a question about his love for Niall or from a question about life in general. Life was like a collaboration, you shared it and worked together with people that complimented you. You made something even better by putting several things that were great on their own together making them even more special and magic could happened.

He wanted his collaboration with Niall to never end, he wanted his life to be twined together with Niall´s forever. He wanted it to be their life. Their everlasting collaboration.

He was a little tired it had been a long day, the last question was about teenagers and what advice he could give them being an influential teenager himself.  He thought about it, it was so much he wanted to say. He settled on telling them “I´m just really being myself, the second I start to change how I would say something or change how I would do something is the second people see me wrong” he felt like he was stumbling a bit over his words and said as much. He hoped he was making sense and that people would understand where he was coming from.

What it all came down to really was that “one day if you are in a position where people like you but it´s not really you you´ll be very unhappy.” He finished his thought process by saying “always stay true to yourself it will work and when it does you´ll be much happier.”

When the interview came to a close he looked into the camera and thanked the viewers. The camera was then turned off and he thanked the interviewer as well before he was escorted back to the hotel for some much needed sleep.

Later when he was lying in bed he thought about that he had not been entirely honest in the interview. He was not really being true to who he was at the moment, not outwards at least. He was in love with Niall and he didn’t want anyone to know, he was even afraid of people knowing the truth. They had asked about his soulmate today and the gender had not been specified so it had not been a problem. But if they had asked about an ideal girlfriend he would not have corrected them.

He was in love with this amazing guy and he was not ready to face what that meant in addition to having a boyfriend. What that meant for his life outside of just him and Niall. He was living in a bubble with Niall, a love bubble. Outside the bubble however was the world and no one really knew this part of him, the part where Niall was the most important person in his life. At the moment he was untrue to himself in the eye of the world outside of the bubble.

He wanted to spend his life with Niall, there was no question about that but he was also afraid of how they would get there and he wasn´t sure if he could do it. If he would ever be ready to take that step. He just wanted to be with Niall, just him and Niall for a while. It was nothing wrong with that he told himself.

**SHIALL**

Niall was on his way to Harry´s house, it had been Nick´s idea to have the three of them meet up but then he had opted out and told them they should catch up on their own. It was strange when Niall thought about it, he had seemed so excited to get to spend time with them both at the party. He hoped that nothing had happened between him and Harry, it would be horrible if they had had a fallout or something.

It was a week after the Brits, he was having a great time in London but he missed Shawn. It felt like every day was an eternity, they had only been away from each other for about a week and it felt like forever and everyday he missed Shawn a little bit more. Shawn had gone to Japan now and Niall had tried to stop himself from looking up what he was doing on the internet but it was hard. He felt like a fanboy over his man and it was quite ridiculous, he had to chuckle at himself as he stepped out of the car and walked along the pavement to Harry´s house.

He could see and hear how much Shawn was enjoying his time over there however and nothing could make him happier. He had a very hectic schedule though and together with the time difference they hadn´t had that much time to talk. They had had a few short phone calls and of course they texted an unhealthy amount but it was not nearly enough. It ciuld never be enough he concluded with a sigh.

He stepped up to the door and knocked. Harry opened the door in only a pair of trousers, no socks or even a shirt. They were in London and it was only the beginning of March meaning it was cold and damp outside. Niall had to laugh, Harry would always be Harry and Niall couldn´t help but shake his head.

Harry smiled and made one of his faces that he usually did when something amused him. “Niall, nice to see you and hear that laugh again” Niall just smiled and made his way into the house as Harry stepped aside. “I´ve missed ya too you know” Niall said as he passed and couldn´t help but bring his hand up to Harry´s head and tousle his hair a little bit. His hair had grown a lot since he had last seen him and it was like having Harry from early 2013 back. “Hey, hands to yourself” Harry burst out which made Niall laugh again before he wiggled his eyebrows a little.

That was one thing he loved with his relationship with the other boys it didn´t matter how long time they had spent apart when they met again it was as easy to talk and hang out together as it had ever been. It was the same type of familiarity and easiness as you would expect with your parents or siblings. They were all family. It was something he would always be grateful for. Even more so than his career X Factor had given him something that much more valuable.

“Lunch is almost ready, you hungry?” Harry asked and Niall just raised his eyebrows in response and Harry laughed before answering his own question with “yeah, stupid question” and then they both chuckled. Niall had had a late breakfast that morning but he was always a little hungry and Harry was a great cook so it was no way he was going to decline.

Then something hit him “it´s not some ridiculously healthy food right, or like a special juice or anything” he had to ask, he and Harry did have some different taste when it came to things like food sometimes.

Harry looked a bit contemplating before saying “no juice, I thought I would test some raw food” Niall couldn´t help but wrinkle up his nose at that it didn´t sound appealing at all. Harry laughed and Niall narrowed his eyes “I knew you were coming it´s perfectly normal food” Niall sighed and smiled.

He put an arm around Harry´s shoulder and they made their way further into the house “you actually had me there for a moment, your joking skills has improved” Harry beamed at that and almost looked a little proud.

They ate their lunch and talked for a while in the dining room before making their way into the launch room with a wineglass each. Niall preferred a good beer but harry had shown an interest in wine the last couple of years and had developed a rather nice collection and fine tastes so it was always an experience to wine and dine with the younger lad.

Niall had tried to get Harry to talk about the music he was working on but Harry just smirked and shook his head, he was very tight lipped about it and wasn´t even planning on telling his friends yet. Niall had teased him and tried to coax it out of him but to no avail. Harry promised he would hear it before the public did though so that was something. It was exciting, them all having their own projects and finding themselves musically.

Niall could be mistaken but it felt like Harry wanted to say something, that he had had something on his mind all day that he wanted to talk about but didn’t really have the words for it. Like he was a bit uncertain if he should bring it up or just let it be. Right now was another moment when it felt like Harry was on the verge of saying something but then chose to refrain from doing so.

Niall knew that with Harry it was always better to wait and whatever it was would come out when the other bloke was ready to talk about it.

Harry looked at Niall and tilted his head “so Niall, anything that has been going on with you recently?” Niall flushed and he could tell that Harry had noticed. Of course he started to think about Shawn, his feelings for the other bloke and their newly developed relationship was a big something going on in his life at the moment.

He wanted to tell Harry, he really wanted to tell him. But he couldn´t, he wasn´t sure if it would be okay with Shawn. It was not just his relationship after all and he couldn´t just go around and tell people about it even if it was something good, something that most people would be happy to hear.

They hadn´t had time to discuss things like this as Niall had had to leave just hours after they got together. He had thought about talking to Shawn recently about telling their friends and family but he had not gotten to it. It had not felt like something that he should take up on a short phone call or in a text message when they were on different sides of the world.

He knew Harry would be fine with it, he was the definition of openness and love is love. If something he just loved love and the goodness of people. As long as Niall was happy Harry would be too. He still couldn´t tell him though and it pained him.

He could tell Harry something at least, he just couldn´t tell him everything. More specifically he couldn´t tell him about Shawn.

“Eh yeah actually…” it was Harry, why was this still such a hard thing to do? He had never envisioned he would have to come out to people, if that was even what he was doing, he wasn´t sure. It had never been like this telling anyone he was dating someone before though. He took a deep breath and started over, Harry was looking encouragingly at him just waiting for him to continue. “I uh, I met someone and uh I kinda love him” that hadn´t sounded as confident as it had done in his head and he didn´t kind of love Shawn he was absolutely head over heels for him.

It felt good though telling Harry he was in love and that he was in love with a guy without needing to make a big deal about it. Just casually mentioning it was a him instead of a her without having to say anything else.

Harry was beaming at him and looking happy for him just as Niall has known he would. He also looked a bit relived though which was making Niall frown, why would Harry be relived? Before Niall had time to process that thought Harry had moved and thrown his arms around Niall in a big hug almost crushing him making Niall laugh.

When Harry drew back he was still smiling “I´m so happy for you and Shawn, I was starting to think you wouldn´t tell me” Niall blinked and his eyes widened. Harry had already known and he knew the guy he loved was Shawn, his brain was running rampant with a lot of questions.

“What?” he said and he felt like the world was closing in on him, how had it gotten to Harry? It was only he, Shawn and Louis who knew about the two of them, well until now that is.

Harry just smiled at him and sat back down on the couch before laying his head on Niall´s shoulder and looking up at him. Niall was confused and a bit exasperated but Harry being a bit cuddly and just in your space was normal and Niall couldn´t help but feel a little adored by it.

“I was starting to think you wouldn´t tell me” harry said again and then frowned “I would have been hurt you know, I hope you know you can tell me anything” Niall knew that and if it was just up to him he would have. It didn´t seem that it mattered thought because Harry already knew. “You know I´m happy for you guys.”

Niall shrugged Harry off which made the younger boy pout, Niall didn´t care at the moment. “Did Louis tell you?” he felt really betrayed, why would Louis do something like that it wasn´t like him and he had trusted him. Louis had outed him and Shawn to one of their best friends, he didn´t want to believe it but what other explanation was there.

Harry furrowed his eyebrows and said “Louis” as if testing the name out before it seemed to dawn on him what Niall had been asking. He was shaking his head furiously “no, no…” Niall didn´t understand if Louis hadn´t told him who had, “how?” he asked instead.

Harry made a grimace and instead of answering the question he said cryptically as ever “he thought I already knew, it wasn´t intentional he would never out anyone…” Harry looked apologetically at him and Niall just sighed. He wasn´t mad at Harry not really but someone else also knew about them thinking Harry had known, how many more people knew?

He was a bit afraid, he knew how it worked, one person heard and told another, someone overheard and then it spread like wildfire and soon enough it would be in the newspaper saying that an _exclusive source_ told them and it would all go to shit.

Harry bit his lip before adding “you should maybe talk to Nick” Niall looked up and he actually felt a bit angry this time. “What, because he is gay?” he swallowed before he added “I´m not you know, gay” he felt a bit defensive and he knew he was glaring a little but he couldn´t help it.

That was what he was afraid of, that when he and Shawn did go public with their relationship people would brand him as gay. Not that it was anything wrong with that, it was just that he wasn’t. He didn´t know what he was except not gay and not straight. He was afraid when media got news about that he was dating a guy they would not hesitate to call him gay, not hesitate to question his previous relationships with girls and call them beards or say that the other boys had covered for him. He hated that even if he told the truth people would maybe make his past into a lie which it had never been.

He had never thought Harry would do the same thing and it was painful realizing it was the first thing someone would think when he told them about his new relationship. Harry looked stricken “I didn´t say that… Niall I just meant that he has gone through the same thing you know… coming out to the world and all that” Niall hadn´t thought about it that way before. It was not the same though because Nick was actually gay.

Harry smiled a small smile “Nick said to tell you welcome to the family as well” Niall frowned. Harry laughed seeing him so confused before adding “LGBTQ+ family”, it didn´t make Niall feel better about it.

Harry laid his head back on Niall´s shoulder and Niall let him. “It´s not a bad thing you know, you don´t need a label you could be bisexual, pansexual or Shawnsexual for all they care. For all I care, you still have a place there” Niall laughed when Harry said Shawnsexual like it was a perfectly normal thing. Harry smiled “don´t isolate yourself from a community that may help you” okay maybe there was some truth in what Harry was saying. It was still a bit much to take in. He had never thought about these things quite like this. Everything was still all very new to him.

Maybe he should talk to Shawn about talking to Nick too or someone else in the LGBT community. Maybe doing that would be able to help them when they wanted to move forward. He would at least think about it.

Then it hit him “Nick told you?” at Harry´s nod Niall groaned. “How did he know?” Harry chuckled and started telling a story. As was normal when Harry told a story it took a while until he got to the point.

“So he heard you and Shawn on the phone and you saying boyfriends and that you loved him” oh. When he thought about it he hadn´t looked at the last few stalls when entering the bathroom and he could totally have missed if someone was in there. It wasn´t ideal or anything but at least it had been an ally and not some stranger that could and would have taken something like this to the papers.

It made sense now why Nick had cancelled on them today, he wanted him And Harry to have time to talk it out without him being there. “He felt guilty you know, when he told me and realized that I hadn´t known.”

Niall should maybe be angry at Nick, but he couldn´t blame him as it was his fault that he had been so careless in the first place. It was also pretty nice being able to be completely honest with Harry not having to keep the part where he was in love with Shawn hidden from one of his best friends. He just hoped Shawn would be okay with it, Niall sighed thinking about that he would have to tell him soon about Harry and Nick knowing about them.

Harry sat up and refilled their wineglasses before looking at Niall expectantly “so how is Shawn as a boyfriend and how did this thing between you two happen?” Niall smiled and started telling their story. He realized that he would never get tired of telling the story of how he and Shawn found their way to each other and finally confessed their love.

Harry being the romantic he is awed at all the right places and when Niall finished his story he hugged him again and said “I´m best man right” he had an amused gleam in his green eyes.

“What?” Niall said. Harry smirked “for the wedding of course” Niall opened his mouth to protest but then he reconsidered and chose to hit Harry lightly over the head instead. “Shut up” he said and Harry just started to laugh, Niall joined in after a while. Everything was easy with Harry, Niall wished all the times he had to come out would be this easy.

**SHIALL**

“Liam is going to be a father soon, you have gone and fallen in love with a lad what is next… Louis getting married?” Harry mused a little perplexed about everything that had happened since they had gone on an extended hiatus and how much he had missed as he had been off the grid.

He had been working and followed his passions of music, acting and the like but he had been taking a step back from being in the public eye. When he had talked to Ed a while back it had just sounded so nice to have some time to yourself. So he had decided to take a break from social media and from most of the stardom and fame. It had worked out really well. He was ready to soon get back out there however, to release music and lay his heart out there. He was very proud of what he was going to give out coming April.

Niall was clutching his stomach laughing “I can´t imagine we´ll see the day, Liam will probably get there first” which was a fair point. Harry smirked, he felt like Louis had rubbed off on him as he couldn´t help but add “or you´ll beat us all mate” it was fun teasing but Harry was actually more serious than he was letting Niall know.

He had been surprised when Nick had told him about Niall and his new relationship, first thinking it was some weird rumor a just Nick making a joke.

Looking at Niall now however he could see that it was the best thing that could have happened to Niall. You could see and hear how much he loved Shawn just from how he smiled when telling the story of how they got together. It warmed Harry´s heart to know he had found something so special.

Niall only rolled his eyes and it looked like he was about to reply when his phone made a sound signalling he had gotten a message, it was followed by two additional messages. Niall looked at the screen of his phone and he seemed to have totally lost track of what he was about to say.

Niall´s eyes widened and he became red all the way down to the top of his chest which could be seen through the collar of his shirt. Harry smirked as he saw Niall squirm a little and started to bite his lip. It was obvious it was more than just a simple text message.

“From Shawn?” Niall looked up as Harry voiced his suspicions, he looked like he had been busted doing something he shouldn´t. Harry chuckled and Niall just squirmed some more in his seat. “Ugh, it´s nothing…” Harry new that what he meant was that it was something but that it was nothing Niall wanting to show him.

Niall looked down at his phone again as if he was unable to keep his eyes away from whatever he had been sent, it must be something special Harry thought. He had no problems with Niall sexting his boyfriend or even taking it a step further. He knew him offering would make the other man uncomfortable but that was part of the fun.

“Say hello…” he said and waited until Niall was looking up at him again “you can use the guest bedroom if you want to” Niall´s mouth opened and he looked like a gaping fish making Harry laugh. Niall looked to be very torn about what he should do and Harry just raised his eyebrows and shrugged as if saying why not.

“No, I couldn´t… no” Niall said more to himself than to Harry.

“I won´t disturb you, have some fun” even Niall´s ears had become pink now and Harry bit the inside of his cheek to not lose it and make Niall do something like bolt from his house in mortification and humiliation. Niall looked between Harry and his phone a few times and then it buzzed again. Niall brought one hand up to his face in embarrassment and groaned out a frustrated “oh my god”, Harry really tried but couldn´t help but to let a small giggle slip out.

Niall stood up and then hesitated before saying “ugh really… I mean you wouldn´t eh mind or anything?” Harry just smiled and shook his head in confirmation that it was really fine with him. Niall trousers looked suspiciously tighter then they had before but Harry refrained from mentioning it knowing Niall was distressed and embarrassed as it was.

Niall looked down one last time at what was on his phone before he seemed to make a decision and then he was on his way down the hall, typing frantically. Harry looked at him until the door to his guest bedroom had closed behind him with a small click.

Harry shook his head fondly, he had never seen anyone render Niall to a stuttering and blushing mess before. It was an interesting sight and Harry really couldn´t wait to meet this Shawn of Niall´s someday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The full interview with TV Groove that Shawn did in Japan can be found here   
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-iBn1LwFWI&t=1s


	12. I Wish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Niall and Shawn have some fun over Skype.

**Chapter 12: I Wish**

Niall knew his face was flaming as he was making his way to the guest bedroom. He knew Harry really didn´t have a problem with it but he still couldn´t believe he was going to do, whatever they were going to do, with Harry in the next room.

He typed a short message to Shawn with slightly shaking hands, _Skype?!!_ He was nervous as well as filled with anticipation, he had never done anything like this before and especially not with a guy. He really hoped that this is what Shawn had had in mind when sending those pictures. Otherwise he was making a fool out of himself for assuming.

He closed the door behind himself and made his way to the bed. He sat down and couldn´t help but take up the pictures on his phone again, really they were something else. He knew Shawn was hot but he hadn´t in his wildest dreams imagined that pictures like the ones he had just sent him would affect him like this. He felt his heart rate pick up and a fire rise in the pit of his stomach. 

The first picture had been one that you would have probably been able to find in a lot of magazines. Shawn had a shirt on but it was completely open and halfway off his shoulders, his trousers was slightly open at the front as well, just enough to be suggestive but not enough to show more than the waistband of his underwear.

In the second picture the shirt had been taken off completely and Shawn had moved from a standing position to one spread out on a bed as if making an invitation to join him. Niall would have done almost anything to be able to be there with him and take him up on that offer. His hair was tousled like he had just run his hand through it before taking the photo.

In the third picture the trousers were lower still and Niall had been able to see what underwear he was wearing and that´s when he had totally lost it and had known he would not be able to just lay away his phone and wait to use the pictures for wanking material later when more appropriate to do so. Shawn was wearing _his_ underwear, his four leaf clover underwear. And seeing Shawn in his underwear looking all smug and inviting like that spread out on a bed was doing things to Niall.

The fourth picture had been the nail in the coffin, he was undone from a few pictures. The forth picture was Shawn laying leisurely almost lazily on the bed with the trousers almost all the way off only still hanging from one of his ankles. He was resting his head on one of his arms, his bicep flexed. The one thing different from the rest however was that in this picture Shawn was hard, you could clearly see the outline of his cock through the material of Niall´s underwear. He was looking into the camera with a slight smirk. It looked like he was telling Niall that he was waiting for him and that he was ready for when he would join him.

Niall had had no choice but to make his way to the guest bedroom at that. He wasn´t sure what Shawn was thinking, Niall could have been out, could have gotten those pictures in the middle of the street, he was lucky he had only been with Harry. Harry was very chill when it came to things like this.

Looking at the pictures again, which could only really be considered a strip tease, he felt his mouth water and he had been hard since around looking at the third picture for the first time. Looking at them again he felt a small itch and throb down below. He had to see Shawn, really see him, he really hoped Shawn would follow through and they could skype. If Shawn would just send those pictures and then nothing he would probably die of sexual frustration.

It had gone three minutes without a reply and Niall was afraid that it meant Shawn would have changed his mind or even that he would have gone to bed. It was half past two in the afternoon in London but it was half past eleven at night in Japan. He was about to desperately call Shawn when he got a skype call, Niall had never before answered a call as fast as he did this time.

He made a noise in the back of his throat as he was met with Shawn’s face but nothing else. He knew he was probably still hard and wearing only Niall´s underwear and just the knowledge of that made Niall flush. Shawn was very young and seemed innocent at times, if people only knew this side of him.

“Missed you so I thought… eh nice place” Shawn said and Niall blinked. Shawn seemed very confident sending those pictures but now he seemed nervous all of a sudden. Then it hit Niall that Shawn thought he was at home. “It´s not me home” Shawn frowned at that and it looked like he would ask a question so Niall quickly added “talk later.” He could not tell him before they finished what Shawn had started, telling him about Harry would ruin the mood.

Shawn laughed at that though and winked making Niall feel goosebumps appear all over his body as a chilling sensation ran through him.

“You liked the pictures?” Shawn asked almost a bit shyly and Niall was baffled. _Liked the pictures,_ they were so much more than just pictures, they were art. Pictures of Shawn, erotic pictures of Shawn for Niall´s eyes only. He shook his head because he thought it was a ridiculous question.

Shawn took it the wrong way though and thought he meant that he didn´t approve of them “sorry I know it may have been inappropriate I just…” Niall interrupted him by raising his hand, he chuckled softly. “I asked you to skype because of those pictures, because I liked them, _really_ liked them” Niall said wriggling his eyebrows slightly for emphasis. “Oh, _oh_ ” Shawn said and now he was blushing too and Niall just shook his head laughing.

Niall squirmed where he sat on the bed, his erection had not withered even as they talked, just knowing Shawn´s level of undressed and seeing his blushing face was enough to keep Niall right there and ready for action. “So uh, how do you uh want to do this?” god why was this so hard all of a sudden? He really hadn´t thought this through before asking Shawn to skype.

Shawn furrowed his eyebrows then he disappeared from view, the picture was moving and unfocused for a few seconds. When the screen was fixed again the whole bed could be seen, Shawn reappeared in only the four leaf clover boxer briefs, he laid down on the bed and looked at Niall with an eyebrow raised as if saying your move now. Niall just groaned, so this was really happening.

Niall looked around the room and then put his phone against a few books on the nightstand so that the display was facing the bed and without thinking too much he did what Shawn had done earlier, he gave him a strip tease by first removing his shirt and opening the front of his trousers. Shawn looked really enthralled and it made Niall feel confident and empowered.

“Nice” Shawn said when Niall was even with Shawn just wearing his underwear and laying down on the bed. He looked down at himself and felt his cheeks colour further in slight embarrassment. There was a small wet spot at the front of his pants and he hadn´t even touched himself yet.

He looked directly at his phone and met Shawn´s eyes. He wished he had a computer so he would have had a bigger screen and could see Shawn more clearly. He took a deep breath and wondered what he was doing, he decided that he was just going to follow his instincts. “Take of your pants and stroke yourself slowly” he said, it was supposed to come out with authority, he was trying for sexy but what had come out was more of a question that a command.

Shawn´s mouth opened slightly, he looked a little surprised but at the same time intrigued. He did as Niall had said letting out a small gasp as his hand made contact with his hard length. “Nice…” Niall said just as Shawn had not long before. It was the first time Niall was actually seeing Shawn completely naked and well let´s say he wasn´t disappointed, his prick was just as impressive as his abs and back muscles. Niall had never before admired another man´s manhood but now he felt himself unable not to stare.

“It´s impolite to stare” Shawn gasped out as he seemed to have some trouble with keeping his strokes slow and steady as Niall had told him to. Niall looked away making Shawn give out a breathless laugh and Niall made a noise realizing Shawn had just been teasing and actually didn´t mind Niall staring. “You going to give me something nice to stare at?” Shawn asked and Niall didn´t even think before shedding his pants as well kicking them of his legs and down on the floor at the foot of the bed.

Shawn hummed in approval and Niall locked eyes with Shawn as he brought his own hand down to his own prick. It felt like an electrical current went through him as he touched his engorged appendage, he had been hard for a while now and had neglected it so to finally have friction on his cock felt heavenly.

“Wish I could touch you” Shawn said as he sped up his hand a little, Niall matched him with his own strokes imagining that they were touching each other instead of themselves. “Wish I could feel your skin against mine, wish I could hold you in my arms” he didn´t want anything more than to just be reunited with Shawn and have his body lined up with his own.

Shawn let out a moan before continuing “wish I could kiss you and cuddle”, Niall nodded and bit his lip as he swiped his thumb over the head of his dick. “Wish I could fall asleep beside you and wake up next to you in the morning” he said and let out a small noise, he was trying to not be too loud afraid Harry might hear. Even if the possibility of that happening probably bothered him more than it would Harry.

“Just oh wish you ah were here” Shawn said with small gasps and moans in between the words. Niall nodded frantically, he didn´t need to say something Shawn knew Niall wanted that as well and that someday soon when they would see each other again, then all those wishes would come true.

“Fuck, ahhh” Niall cursed, they were nearing the end and Niall knew that he would have a spectacular orgasm any minute now, he could feel the telltale fire and his balls beginning to draw up. He didn´t want their little skype sex session to end yet though and he could feel his skin becoming a little bit irritated as he was wanking himself raw. He stopped the movements of his hand.

Shawn frowned but stopped what he was doing as well. Niall looked up suddenly having an idea “you have any lube?” Niall himself hadn´t of course and he wasn´t about to look in the drawers of Harry´s guest room. He wouldn´t need it for what he had in mind anyway.

Shawn nodded then he was off the bed for a minute before he returned with a bottle in one hand. Niall smiled and spat in his hand to make his own experience a little smoother and more enjoyable. Then he looked Shawn over before he decided he was going to ask, they would have to talk about stuff like this sooner or later anyway. “You eh ever fingered yourself?”

Niall had never practiced gay sex or anything of the kind but he did know the basics. Shawn looked at Niall wide eyed and shook his head “no, never.” Niall nodded with a small smile. “I´ll uh talk you through it then” he had never done it but he felt confident he could guide Shawn through it. It wasn´t like it was quantum physics or anything.

Shawn was blushing and looking hesitant, he shrugged though as if saying that even if he was uncomfortable with the idea and a bit uncertain he would try anything with Niall there and he trusted him to guide him through this new experience.

Without Niall needing to say anything Shawn turned around on the bed and had his arse face Niall and it was well, Niall couldn´t help but to drag in a breath because it was so gorgeous. All of Shawn was just so bloody gorgeous. “Is this position good?” Shawn asked him. Niall being the one calling the shots was such a turn on for him and Niall decided to just observe Shawn for now. He absentmindedly brought one hand up to pinch one of his nipples as he watched Shawn spread his legs a little and turning his head looking back over his own shoulder at Niall for confirmation.

“Perfect” Niall said completely breathless by the display on the screen in front of him. Shawn was exposing the most intimate part of his body to him. Niall had never even thought about doing something like this before, never thought he would even want to. He had thought he would find it disgusting and unappealing to have something up there. He hadn´t even once desired to even try doing anal play with a girl before nor had he ever desired to experiment with it on his own for that matter.

This was not experimenting though this was him and Shawn the one he loved expressing their feelings sexually. And Niall had to admit that with Shawn he would want to do everything. Maybe not right away, but someday. And this was a good start, looking at the screen seeing Shawn´s defined globes and the teasing shadow over what he knew to be his hole was anything but unappealing, Niall felt intrigued and he had to hold himself back from rushing Shawn into things before he would be ready.

Shawn made an almost impatient noise which made Niall blink and look at his face instead of his arse. Shawn seemed a bit embarrassed almost but he was also smirking slightly as if knowing Niall had been mesmerized with what was in front of him. Niall swallowed thinking about what to do next. “Spread them” he said somewhat confident, Shawn frowned though as his legs was already spread where he was kneeling on the bed. “Open the lube and coat the fingers on one hand then use the other to spread your cheeks” Niall clarified.

Shawn was definitely blushing now but did as Niall had instructed. The click of the cap of the bottle being opened could be heard loudly in the room mixing with their elaborated breathing. When Shawn spread his arse cheeks with the hand not coated in lube Niall felt his breath hitch. They were on two different continents but somehow he had never before felt closer to someone. Niall had a feeling Shawn would do anything Niall asked him to, that Shawn trusted him completely to guide him through it and make the experience pleasurable.

When Shawn brought back his other hand he had to lower his head to the bed and rest his cheek on the pillow. The slight change in position made his arse stick up even further in the air. Niall couldn´t help but forgo his earlier decision and brought his hand down lower on his own body. Seeing Shawn like this made his blood boil. The temperature in the room felt like a hot summer’s day in L.A. instead of the slightly chilly and fresh air that was common even inside under spring in London due to the British tradition within poor isolation.

He closed his eyes again as he let his hand close around the base of his cock, he didn´t move it though just let the pressure from his hand around his swollen shaft ease the buildup and the frustration he had started to feel.

When he opened them again he had to let out a groan as he stared at Shawn’s exposed backside, the other boy had one hand on one of his arse cheeks pushing it out of the way. The other hand was hovering slightly just above his crack. His hole could be seen and the skin was pink and slightly wrinkled. Niall couldn´t take it he had to look away or he would probably say something embarrassing or start to drool. It was the hottest thing he had ever witnessed.

It was a good thing that he was squeezing his own shaft preventing himself to get too worked up before he was ready, there was a drop of pre-come on the tip and Niall blushed. He wished he could use it as lube and be the one that was about to deflower Shawn in a hotel room in Japan.

“Ugh, what do I do?” Shawn asked because Niall had not given any further instructions. He thought it was pretty straight forward but the fact that Shawn was asking, for reassurance and guidance or maybe even for _permission_ was driving him crazy.

Shawn was unable to look back to watch Niall anyway so he took the phone in his hand and brought it closer to his face so that he would be able to look at Shawn and watch what he was doing more closely. “Circle your rim with your fingers… make it wet” he said and he could hear that his voice was a bit rougher than usual.

Shawn brought two fingers down to his hole, massaging his skin and spreading the lube around. “I wish _you_ could make me wet” Shawn gasped out. His breathing had picked up further. Niall mouth dropped open as he watched the proceedings on the screen.

He wasn´t 100% sure what Shawn meant by saying he wished it was Niall making him wet right now. Was he implying he wished it was Niall´s fingers touching him and teasing his rim, or did he mean that he wanted something else of Niall´s making him wet? Like Niall´s tongue. Just the thought of that made Niall´s brain have a small meltdown and he just shook his head to focus on what was at hand and not getting ahead.

“Try breaching your entrance” he said after a minute or so and watched enthralled as Shawn brought one of his fingers over his hole and then put a little pressure. The digit slipped in without too much resistance and _that_ was the singe hottest thing Niall had ever witnessed.

Niall let out a small moan and finally started to pump himself as he watched Shawn slowly starting to carefully etch his finger further inside himself until it was in to the second knuckle.

Niall didn´t know what he had expected after receiving Shawn´s texts, after asking him to skype but this was not it. And he had never expected he would like just watching Shawn finger himself this much either.

“Ah… move it” he said and twisted his own hand as Shawn started to bring his finger in and out of himself. Niall started to stroke his prick at the same speed as Shawn was moving his finger.

Shawn was moaning almost nonstop at this point and that from only a finger up his arse and Niall could tell that he liked it. He couldn´t hear himself as his heartbeat was pounding in his ears but he knew he must have asked Shawn to add a second finger because moments later his middle finger had joined his index finger penetrating his entrance.

Niall could feel that he was close to coming and slightly started to panic. He couldn’t come all over Harry´s sheets or anything else in the room for that matter. Harry was aware of what they were doing but there were some lines he wouldn´t cross. Having to either leave soiled sheets or having to strip the bed and then make his way to the washer under Harry´s knowing gaze were two things he wouldn´t do.

He looked around the room frantically and then jumped of the bed retrieving the shirt he had discarded on the floor. It would have to do. He must have made some noises because Shawn had stopped moving his fingers and was trying to turn his head around.

“Don´t stop” Niall said in a rush as he made his way up the bed again “bring your other hand to your dick” he said as an afterthought. Shawn´s thighs was spread without him holding his arse cheek aside, that had mostly been for Niall´s selfish reasons as he had wanted to see better. Now he wanted them to come together.

When Shawn moved his hand away and repositioned himself his fingers that was still pressed deep inside him moved as well. “Fuck, oh man” Shawn exclaimed almost as if surprised. His voice was breathy and he seemed a little dazed.

It didn´t take long after that before they were both coming, Niall into the shirt and Shawn over the bed under him.

Shawn withdrew his fingers and rolled over to the side avoiding the wetness on the bed. Niall´s cock made a last spurt as he looked at Shawn´s limp and satisfied body, deflating prick, twitching muscles, blissful smile and drowsy warm brown eyes.

Shawn blinked and smiled at him “either I just had a fantastic dream or did we just…?” he asked and Niall couldn´t do anything else than shake his head and chuckle. “Yeah mate we just did… that.” He wasn´t sure how else to express it, it had been more than just a simple sexual act.

Shawn then started to laugh, Niall didn’t know why but he joined in and they laughed for minutes.

When their laughter started to wind down Niall had to ask “so you, you know… liked it?” which only made Shawn laugh harder. “Wasn´t that obvious?” he asked and Niall chuckled because well yeah.

Shawn shook his head before sitting up though “I was a bit afraid I wouldn´t, love it, the whole sex with a guy thing even if it was with you and I love you” Niall understood because well this was all new to them. “I´m not concerned anymore though, I think we´ll be fine” Shawn said and smiled a bit bashfully.

Niall just smiled back but couldn´t help but snort and say “you _think_ , and just _fine_ ” which made Shawn chuckle. They would definitely be more than fine, Niall had no doubt about it. He couldn´t wait until they would be able to prove that right. Even if they had just done this, they hadn´t actually done anything to each other more than kissing and just sleeping in the same bed.

“You want to take a shower and go to bed?” Niall asked looking at the clock on the wall seeing it was a quarter past three in the afternoon meaning it was after midnight in Japan.

Shawn shook his head though “I want to talk to you for a bit, and you said we could later” Niall nodded, it was probably for the best anyway. He had to tell Shawn about Harry and Nick. He was also just glad he would get to spend some time with Shawn. He missed him and just getting to see him even through a screen and just talk to him like this was better than nothing.

Niall looked at the sticky shirt still in his hand and sighed, it was ruined but it was still better than the alternatives. He had sat the phone back on the night stand and Shawn must have seen his gaze shift to the shirt because he groaned and then seemed to consider something.

“I think I´ll just brush my teeth and ugh change to the other bed in the room” he said and Niall chuckled at that but he was glad for Shawn´s sake that the room had two beds. “Then we can talk.” Shawn made his way out of bed and into the ensuite bathroom. Niall watched Shawn make his way across the room, he was still naked and Niall couldn´t help but watch his arse until Shawn disappeared behind the door, he shook his head and thought that yeah they would _definitely_ be fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!  
> Sorry for taking so long with this update. I will unfortunately not be able to update several times a week like I did in the beginning but will try to at least update once a week. I´m still very motivated writing this story (:
> 
> This was a tricky chapter to write, I´m not that experienced writing smut and have never done it quite like this before. Hope I did okay and that you enjoyed it (if not please tell me and I´ll skip writing scenes/chapters like this in the future)??!


	13. I Can´t Do This

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Niall tells Shawn about Harry and Nick knowing about them. It doesn´t go the way he had hoped.

**Chapter 13: I Can´t Do This**

Shawn was standing in the bathroom and looked at himself in the mirror. He still had the tingling sensation running through his body at the forefront of his mind and a foreign feeling in his ass acting as a reminder. He had just been fingering himself, and he had liked it.

He shook his head and chuckled to himself as he took a small towel and wet it to be able to clean himself of the traces of just how much he had liked it. He didn´t want to take a shower and spend too long in the bathroom, he wanted to talk to Niall and spend some time with him. It felt like they hadn´t really talked in a while and now would be the first time they would really have the opportunity to do so.

He looked at his face and couldn´t help but blush seeing his damp hair from sweat and his still slightly glazed over look. It was starting to dawn on him what he had just done, what he and Niall had just done.

It hadn´t really been his intention when sending those pictures. He wasn´t really sure what his intentions had been. He had taken one and then another and it had mostly been for fun. Seeing Niall´s boxer briefs being visible in the second picture had made him want to send them to the Irishman, if only for teasing if nothing else.

Shawn was pleased about how the evening had turned out though. He hadn´t been afraid or even that hesitant really to try new things, not when it was only he and Niall. He felt confident in his own body and he trusted Niall. It was a great feeling.

He put the towel away before turning around and heading back into the bedroom. When he had made his way over to the cold second bed in the room and had curled up under the duvet he looked over at his laptop and smiled seeing Niall wave at him on the screen.

Shawn felt a fondness in his chest as he looked at the guy sitting cross-legged on the bed thousands of miles away from him. It felt like he was there with him though. They would see each other soon he told himself, a few weeks probably. He had some time off before his tour would start and he could fit something in. He would make sure of it.

It would be excruciating when he went on tour he thought feeling a lump in his throat. It would be months at a time when he wouldn´t be able to see Niall and just the thought of it made something unpleasant twist inside his stomach.

That was a later problem and heartache though, he had Niall with him now if only on a screen. He suddenly remembered that Niall hadn´t told him where he was and Shawn was curious “so boyfriend, you are in hotel too?” that would make sense, the room was not very personalized but elegant and hotel like.

Niall smiled when Shawn said boyfriend but then he frowned and shifted on the bed getting a bit closer to the devise he was using. “Eh… not exactly” he seemed to think over his words before adding “you know Harry? This is his house” Niall was blushing now and looked down a little as if a bit apprehensive.

Harry, Shawn though then it hit him. “Harry, Harry Styles?” why would Niall be alone in Harry´s home? It didn´t really make sense. “You´re like watching his house for him or something?”

Niall shook his head “no. He just let me use his guest bedroom” Niall chuckled at that. Shawn was still a bit bewildered and didn´t really see why Niall had moved in in Harry´s guest bedroom, was there something wrong with his house?

He asked and Niall just laughed and shook his head. “Sorry mate I really didn´t explain it well… you see I was visiting Harry and then you sent those pictures” here he paused and his blush turned a little darker and spread down his neck, making Shawn bite his lower lip a little as he followed the flush. It was nice knowing what effect he had on the other boy. “Um, well I was desperate and Harry offered so” Niall made a gesture with his arms around the room “here we are.”

Shawn wanted to laugh, Niall was not simply blushing because he thought about Shawn and his body he was blushing because he was embarrassed and it was adorable.

Then he realized what Niall had just said and he felt the colours drain from his face and he wanted to draw the covers over his head and disappear “Harry Styles saw the pictures I sent you?” he asked for confirmation. They had only been for Niall. He was not ashamed of his body and had taken similar photos before but these were more personal. They were for Niall´s eyes only. Not only that though if Harry had seen them it would mean he would know about them and Shawn was not ready to tell more people. He wanted to be but he just wasn´t.

Niall made a strangled noise and gave a surprised chuckle “oh god no, I would never hear the end of it if he had seen those” he shook his head and let out a genuine little laugh as if he was imagining the teasing. Shawn let out a breath and felt the color return to his face. His relief only lasted for a few seconds.

“He saw me reaction though, even if he didn´t see the actual pictures he still teased a little” Niall made a face before his voice dropped to a lower register and he said more slowly than he normally would “from Shawn” before doing a weird kind of smirk and raising his eyebrows in an overdramatic impersonation of Harry. Niall dropped the act and started laughing. Shawn just stared as if Niall had just turned into an alien.

He didn´t know what to say. He and Niall had never talked about telling people. Louis knew of course but that was it. How could Niall just tell someone about their relationship like that? He felt his chest constrict and it suddenly felt hard to breath. Harry knew about them and apparently also knew that he and Niall had just done something in his freaking guestroom. Shawn felt sick.

Niall stopped laughing seemingly noticing that Shawn wasn´t at all amused. He frowned and cooked his head to the side “what´s wrong?” Shawn just blinked and tried to focus on Niall´s face.

“You… you told Harry without even talking to me” he bit down on his lip again. This time to stop himself from saying something he would later regret, to ground himself and stop himself from freak out outwards as much as he was freaking out on the inside. He almost drew blood.

Niall screwed his eyes up “shit” he said before he facepalmed. At least he looked apologetic when he looked back at Shawn. “That was not how I had planned to tell you, stupid” he shook his head and made an exasperated chuckle at himself.

Shawn just watched him as Niall sat more at the edge of the bed and drew his hand through his hair. “I didn´t tell him, Nick did…” before Shawn was able to ask Niall took a deep breath and continued telling the story of how Nick Grimshaw overheard that they were dating and told Harry being sure of the fact that he already knew.

Shawn felt nauseated, two more people knew about them and neither he nor Niall had had any control of them finding out. If it was that easy for their secret to spread it would just be a matter of time before _everyone_ would know. He still hadn´t said anything. He wasn´t really angry but there was a lot of unpleasant emotions swirling around in his stomach.

“What happened wasn´t ideal bit I had figured I would ask you next time we talked like this if it would be okay to tell friends and family about us anyway” Niall was saying as if it was not that big of a deal as if it was the logical next step. “So would it be okay? Like can I tell Liam, my mum and so on so forth?”

Shawn just shook his head “what makes you think I would be fine with that?” he choked out. He could feel his breathing had become a bit more elaborated and he felt like he would cry so he closed his eyes. He had thought Niall had understood him and that they had been on the same page. “I can´t do this” it was already out of his control. Everything was out of his control and it was terrifying.

Niall seemed to see that Shawn was distressed but he could do little from the other side of a screen “do what?” he asked almost tentatively as if testing the waters.

Shawn sighed out a ragged breath “any of it” he said and then let out a small self-deprecating laugh. “How did I think this would work…” how had he thought he and Niall would be able to be together and no one would find out, that they could be happy together just them without the rest of the world taking control and burst there bubble.

Niall looked shocked “what?” he said and now he sounded as distressed as Shawn felt. Shawn let out another small laugh “we had one public phone conversation and someone overheard, one conversation” he knew he probably sounded a little hysterical but he couldn´t help it.

Niall swallowed visibly before trying to calm him down “it was just Nick though, he wouldn´t tell anyone…” Shawn drew in a breath. Niall could be naïve and a bit oblivious at times and most often it was cute but now it was provocative.

“But he _did_ Niall, he told someone, he told Harry” his voice had started to rise at the end of the sentence and he felt that he was close to tears. Niall opened his month without doubt trying to defend him or saying it was just Harry, put that wasn´t the point.

Shawn had sat up in bed now, the adrenalin was pumping and he felt like screaming into his pillow but at the same time he felt like breaking down and wished Niall was there so he could just hug him and cry into his shoulder.

Before Niall had a chance to say anything Shawn said frantically “it doesn´t matter who heard…” he drew in a rushed breath “next time it may not be a friend” he didn’t want to think about that but it was a real possibility.

Niall had closed his month and looked sadly at Shawn now. “I can´t do this” he said again. Exactly what _this_ entailed he wasn´t sure but he knew he couldn´t do it.

“Stop saying that” Niall said and hugged himself. He was sitting in just a pair of boxers and it looked cold but Shawn was sure it was not the chill in the air that made Niall seek comfort. Shawn felt the same tug on his heart which was making an airy chill run through his bones.

“We just had bloody amazing sex and now you can´t do this, can´t do us” Shawn drew in a sharp breath because that was not what he had meant. He could do them and he wanted to do them just without sharing them with everyone else. Without it being out of their hands, it was their relationship and it should be their terms not anyone else’s.

“Niall” Shawn shook his head “I can´t _not_ do us” he wanted to say more than that but couldn´t. Just the thought of not having Niall and that he had made Niall think he didn´t want them to be a thing anymore was so painful and he felt exhausted suddenly. He could feel how he was getting teary eyed so he looked away but not before he saw Niall flay his arms around in exasperation.

“Why would ya say that then?” Niall was saying in a small voice and Shawn didn´t know how to answer that so he stayed quit. After a short uncomfortable silence Niall let out a breath “please Shawn, talk to me.”

Shawn turned his head back towards his laptop but he was still not looking at the screen “I´m fucking scared all right” he admitted ashamed when he felt an angry tear run down his cheek. He was angry at himself, why couldn´t he just take this as easy as Niall. He couldn´t help the way he felt though. “I´m sacred of not having any control, of people taking control before I´m ready.”

**SHIALL**

All Niall wanted to do was make his way through the screen and envelop Shawn in a hug and never let go. He hated that he couldn´t do that, that the only thing he could do was to reassure Shawn through words. The only thing he could do was talk to him even when he needed more than that at the moment.

Niall felt relieved that Shawn was just having doubts about everyone else and not about them. His heart had almost stopped beating for a little while as Shawn had told him he couldn´t do it and he had thought the worst. That Shawn had somehow changed his mind and didn´t want him anymore. They loved each other though and they could make it through this. They could make it through any obstacles people threw their way, they could make it through anything as long as they were together.

“We´ll be more careful” he said and at that Shawn looked up and Niall felt his heart constrict at the desperate and distraught look in his eyes. Seeing Shawn hurt and insecure but not being able to be there to comfort him was almost as hard and painful as arguing with the other lad.

Shawn nodded “but you want to tell people and I´m not ready” Shawn was fidgeting with the end of the duvet that covered his legs.

“What have I said about those buts, huh?” he said to lighten the mood, which made the corners of Shawn´s mouth twitch upwards in a genuine smile. “I asked if it was okay with you and clearly it isn´t so of course we will wait” he would do anything for Shawn. As long as Shawn wanted him and they were good together he could wait years with sharing his happiness with others. He could wait for Shawn.

It would be hard though, he wasn´t fooling himself thinking it wouldn´t. If they couldn´t even talk on the phone about their relationship if there was a slight possibility that someone, anyone could overhear them. It would be hard to supress that part of himself and just pretend it didn´t exist, especially around people he liked and people he knew and which knew him well. It would be hard but he could do it. He could do it for Shawn.

And at least he had Louis and Harry, he had people that already knew that he could talk to about Shawn and be open and completely honest with. He would be fine. He felt bad not being able to tell Liam though, having to leave the other lad out and making him the only one on the band that didn´t know. That didn´t know that he was into guys too or well at least one guy and that that guy is Shawn Mendes. He could still tell him he was into a guy in general though but maybe it would be easier not to, easier to just not say anything at all until he could tell him everything.

He wanted to tell people yes, but he didn´t want to tell the world, or not yet at least and maybe Shawn did want that too if he was just scared, maybe he just had to clarify what he wanted and he would be okay with it.

He hesitated not wanting to upset Shawn again “I don´t want to tell the world though… Just friends and family” Shawn shook his head “you said you were afraid of losing control, telling people ourselves is taking that control.” Shawn seemed to think that over.

“Maybe someday when I´m not as afraid when the thought of the world finding out don´t terrify me…” Niall nodded he wasn´t ready for that either. “It´s just too risky and I´m not ready” Shawn said and Niall understood. It wasn´t that Shawn didn´t trust their family and friends it was just that the risk of it getting out was that much higher when more people knew about them.

“It´s okay, I understand” he said and he could see Shawn sighing.

“It will be alright” Niall added and Shawn looked detriment when he nodded and then he smiled. “Thank you.”

Then Niall started to laugh “we just had our first argument as a couple, and it was over Nick bloody Grimshaw being an eavesdropper.” Shawn joined in and they looked at each other. This conversation had not gone the way Niall had thought but none the less he and Shawn was fine. They had finally talked about some of the things they hadn´t been able to when they first got together.

Shawn had laid down on the bed again and when he had stopped laughing he yawned. It was late in Japan and Niall smiled at his sleepy boyfriend. If he had been with him right now he would have kissed his temple.   
  
It was a shame he wasn´t at home too, if he had been he would have maybe brought out the guitar and strummed a bit and maybe even sang something soothing until Shawn fell asleep.

His thoughts were interrupted by Shawn who had opened one eye and was smiling at him “I could never ask you to keep a part of you a secret, never ask you to hide. But I didn´t need to because you have decided to do it anyway… have I told you recently how much I love you?”

Niall laughed a joyful and warm laugh, he could hide as long as he was hiding with Shawn. “I would do anything for you, we´re in this together remember” Shawn looked content as he closed his eye again and snuggled down a bit deeper in the bed.

“Yeah together… I think I´ve started to understand what that means” Shawn said as he let out a long breath. Niall just looked at the younger boy on the small screen of his phone and felt unconditional affection blossoming in his chest. “Oh and I think you haven´t told me you love me nearly enough” he said trying to sound indignant but missing the mark by miles.

Shawn laughed at that and without looking up from where he had burrowed his head in his pillow he said “love you too” and Niall laid back on the bed with his phone resting over his heart on his chest. He listened to his own heartbeat and imagined Shawn´s heartbeat being in sync with his own.

He was just about to say good night to Shawn and tell him how much he loved him and reassure him one more time that everything was fine as long as they had each other. Heavy breathing reached his ears though coming from his phone. He looked at the display, Shawn had already fallen asleep. Niall smiled and ended the Skype call.


	14. Sisterly Advice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shawn goes home for a bit and Aaliyah gives him some advice. Which Shawn takes to heart.

**Chapter 14: Sisterly Advice**

Shawn was buzzing he had just performed at the iHeart Awards and it had been amazing. He had tested out having an Illuminate inspired stage with a big moon above him. He was really looking forward to the new tour, the fact that it would be his first arena tour was still a bit hard to believe and he was so excited. The audience had seemed to really appreciate the performance too.    
  
He and Niall had been holding up the close contact after the skype call just before he left Japan. They had been more careful however and just called and such when they were alone and inside their own homes or in a hotel room. He wished it wouldn´t have to be like that but what had happened previously had showed that it was necessary if they didn´t want it to come out before they decided it was time.

If _he_ didn´t want to risk it, if _he_ didn´t want anyone else to know, until _he_ decided it was time. If he would ever feel like he was ready. It was not really them it was him. He realized it was his fault it had to be like this that he was the one putting obstacles in the way and making them have to hide more than they should have to.

He wanted to feel differently and confident and assured with everything instead of scared and uncomfortable of the thought of their relationship being even the slightest more out in the open. Niall was taking his struggles with it well though being there for him and being very understanding, giving him time and supporting him in his wishes to keep it between them. Shawn sighed it felt a bit unfair to the other man to hold him back but he didn´t know what else to do.

Shawn was on his way home now, he was going to spend some time with his family and he always cherished the time he had with them. He would get to spend some time with them now before the tour where he would be away months at a time. He had some trips planned in the coming weeks but he would be coming back home in-between.

He looked out the window of the car that had taken him home and smiled. Seeing the familiar neighborhood and the walk way up to his childhood home. He knew his family was excited to see him. “You want help with the luggage?” the driver asked but Shawn just shook his head, he didn´t have more than he could shoulder on his own.

“Thank you, but I´ll manage” he said before making his way out of the car and grabbing his things. He was going up the sidewalk and making his way into the house without looking back even once.

He was meet in the door by Aaliyah who gave him a big hug and he couldn´t help but smile and drop the bag he carried just inside the door. “Welcome home, I baked you muffins” she informed him and Shawn couldn´t help but laugh. Japan was nice and the food was great and inventive but some things was not as he was used to and muffins had been one of them, his sister knew him so well.

He smiled a little thinking back to the tofu muffin he had tasted while over there, it had been an experience, he was not sure if it had been a good or a bad one. It has simply just been weird.

“Let him breathe honey” his mum said chuckling “nice having you home son” his dad added before they both embraced him. Shawn loved having family reunions. “It´s nice being home” he said and smiled gratefully at them both before Aaliyah took his arm and dragged him into the kitchen.

**SHIALL**

It was a few days later when he was sitting in his room with his guitar and playing around with a few melodies. He had a few new song ideas, his parents had given up long ago trying to make him relax and take a few days off when he was at home. He was never free, music was always a part of him and he would always think about music every day. But he loved it so it was not something he never wish would change.

He often felt inspired when at home too, inspired to write and create new tunes that could inspire others. This time was different though, he felt his mind keeping to return to thoughts of Niall, Shawn wanted to write about Niall. He felt himself hesitate to give in and let his creativity take over however, hesitant to let Niall and his feelings for him seep into his new music.

He knew he could write about Niall and still make it anonymous, he could change the pronouns if needed, he could even write it just for himself and then let it stay in his notebook for no one else to see. But he didn´t want to do that, if he wrote about Niall he wanted the song to be genuine and honest. His music had always been the core of who he was and he wanted it to stay like that.

If he wrote about Niall and then changed the song to mask even the fact that it was about another male. Then his music would be tainted and woven in a bed of lies. On the other hand he couldn´t release a song that even indicated a homosexual relationship without causing rumors, he knew how it worked and it scared him.

He could however write about the feeling. The desire, the longing of being reunited when being apart. Shawn didn´t have to write about a person or about Niall or anyone in particular he could just let the general feelings that had blossomed inside because of Niall, spill out on paper. It would be even more genuine and honest to write about the pure emotion.

He smiled thinking about how Niall always had the ability to bring out the purest version of him. To try new things and think beyond the horizon. To feel something bigger and that he was a part of something larger than himself. He could definitely use these feelings to express how love had manifested in him. People would get to know that he was in love but that was it. He was comfortable with that.

He must have been deep in his own thoughts because when he looked up Aaliyah was standing there leaning against the wall just inside of the door. Shawn had no idea for how long she had been standing there. But she had that sort of knowing look in her eyes that she had inherited from their mum as if she could see right through him and knew his deepest secrets. Normally he wasn´t that faced about it but now he felt on edge and uncomfortable knowing what his mind was occupied with, knowing what he was holding inside and hidden.

“You never did get over her did you” Aaliyah said more as a statement than a question with an almost sad little smirk over her lips as she made her way into the room and sat on the corner of his bed.

Shawn furrowed his eyebrows “eh her, who?” he really didn´t know what she was talking about. Aaliyah just shook her head at him and sighed as if he was being rather difficult. “The girl that you were hung up on back in January, she must be really special if you still can´t get her out of your head.”

Shawn recalled that his family had been queued into that he had someone that he was interested in and was trying to get over. He chuckled at the thought, getting over Niall was a ridiculous notion, impossible. Niall was it for him and he knew it even if no one else could at the moment.

He looked over at his sister and she looked a little confused, she probably thought he was heartbroken over this girl who in reality wasn´t a girl and who Shawn was in relationship with. Shawn gave her a small smile “I´m not hung up on… her” it felt weird using the female pronoun thinking about Niall. He knew he could tell Aaliyah but he still didn´t feel ready, not even to tell his little sister.

Shawn smiled when he thought about Niall, thought about how he wasn´t hung up on him in the context Aaliyah had meant. But he was hung up on him in the sense of rereading their text messages and looking at photos of him daily, replaying conversations they had had in his head. He was hung up on every word and interaction the two of them had ever had and it was a bit much but he was unable to stop it. Especially at the moment with them being apart and how he was missing him like crazy.

“Shaaaawn, you told her” Aaliyah whined making Shawn blink, he blushed a little sheepishly he had gotten stuck in his head and thinking about Niall again. “What?” he said a little defensively.

“You couldn´t get her out of your head so you told her how you felt about her, right” she said and now she seemed very intrigued. Like most teenage girls she was a sucker for romance and sappy stories. “Why didn´t you tell me, I thought you told me things” she put her arms across her chest and pouted. Shawn laughed and shook his head, Aaliyah was so cute when she did that and it was hard to resist to not just start spilling the beans.

He wouldn´t tell her much though but he could tell her something. “I kind of confessed my feelings” of course he wasn´t going to fess up to how exactly that happened. It didn´t seem like Aaliyah was going to be asking any follow up questions about how it happened anyway she was more focused about the aftermath.

“What did she say? Did she let you down gently? What´s her name, do we know her? When did you tell her? Are you in love…?” Shawn started to laugh when the rush of questions never stopped making Aaliyah falter in her tirade and blush a little at her onslaught. She still looked rather determined to get some answers out of him though.

He took a deep breath to give himself some time to arrange his thoughts and answer at least some of her questions without giving too much away. “Eh I wasn´t let down at all actually and it´s been a few weeks now… I love hi… yes, I´m in love” he finished a little rushed, that had been a near slip of the tongue. It was much harder to keep this a secret especially to someone as close to him as his sister then he had thought it would be.

Aaliyah just clapped her hands together in glee though. “You´re in love and she loves you back” she gushed before giving him a hug. It was a bit awkward because Shawn was still holding his guitar which he had been strumming on before she had shown up.  When Aaliyah drew back and looked at him again though she was frowning.

“Why are you so gloomy then, if you are in love and in a relationship?” Shawn bit his lip that was a bit hard to explain. He wasn´t gloomy, he was happy and content about Niall. It was just everything around it that was making everything a bit complicated, _he_ was making things complicated.

It was also the fact that he was missing him and that he wasn´t sure when they would be able to see each other again.

Out of nowhere Aaliyah then smacked him on the back of his head “hey, what was that for?” Shawn asked wide eyed. Aaliyah looked at him and shook her head muttering something sounding suspiciously like _boys are so stupid_ under her breath.

“What are you doing here, cramped in your old room all day with your guitar?” Shawn opened his mouth to answer but Aaliyah didn´t give him a change to before she continued. “It´s obvious that you miss her and that´s why you´re so caught up in your head. So I ask again why are you here when you could spend this time with her instead?”

Shawn frowned he had not even thought about that. That he could have gone to England and seen Niall. He loved going home though and he had not seen his family in a while either. Just because he had a boyfriend now didn´t mean he would just forget about his family.

“I missed you guys too” he said and Aaliyah just rolled her eyes at him fondly. “Sure you did, but don´t deny that every minute you have spent here with us you have been thinking about her” Shawn blushed because well yeah he thought about Niall literally every waking second “and as long as you are apart from her it feels like a piece of you is missing” Aaliyah finished knowingly.

Shawn looked at her a little wide eyed and surprised because it was exactly like that. “How would you know?” he had to ask because this was his baby sister and she was 13 and not supposed to know about these things yet.

She just shrugged with a smirk that screamed _wouldn´t you like to know._ Shawn made a mental note to ask their mother later about Aaliyah and if she had started dating, he hoped not she was way too young.

Shawn put down the guitar he would not get anything done now anyway. Aaliyah didn´t seem to plan to leave anytime soon. Strangely enough even if keeping the Niall part a secret the interrogation about the rest was not that bad.

“I haven´t seen anything in the news about you dating, is it top secret?” Shawn nodded. “How many people knows?”

“Just a few friends” he said and then looked down. He didn´t want to meet her eyes and have her ask more questions about that. It pained him that it had to be like that especially when it was because of him.

Aaliyah nodded “and me” she said. She didn´t know though, not really.

Shawn felt a sudden desire to tell her everything. To tell her about how he had a boyfriend and not a girlfriend and about Niall in particular, about what made him so special. That there was not another boy like him. Especially not for Shawn. He couldn´t do that though, he just had to let his sister believe he was in love with a mystery girl, at least for now.

Aaliyah scooted closer on the bed “what is she like, show me a picture” she prompted him. Shawn just shook his head. “Come on, please Shawn.”

Shawn smiled and side eyed her “It´s called a _secret_ relationship for a reason you know” she made a face and then her eyes widened. “It´s because you´re famous isn´t it, she doesn’t want to be in the public eye?” Shawn shook his head and chuckled because Niall was as much in the public eye as he was if not even more.

“You’re dating another celebrity” Shawn didn´t confirm nor deny so Aaliyah took his silence as confirmation that she was right “of course you are.” She cooked her head to the side and studied him, she could read him like an open book so it was very hard to keep something from her if she asked the right questions. “Is she old, like 40 or something?”

Shawn laughed at that, he didn´t have anything against the idea of older people as dating material, a little experience was not a bad thing. Niall was five years older than him after all, even if he often seemed younger at heart. He had a hard time seeing himself with a 40 something though.

“Your publicists doesn’t approve for some reason?” Aaliyah kept going and Shawn froze. He hadn´t even thought about that before. Even if they wanted to tell people especially if they wanted to tell people outside of their friends and family it was not as easy as that. Coming out and showcasing that you were in a same sex relationship as a famous person was often a process and ones PR team didn´t always approve.

They would have to talk to their teams sooner or later. Even if they kept it a secret they would have to tell them, because there was always a risk of it coming out even with how careful they were.

Aaliyah looked at him calculating and seemed to have prepared the next question to cross another theory of her mental list when their mother’s voice sounded from downstairs. “Aaliyah honey let your brother breath, dinner in five come and help me set the table.”

Shawn let out a breath and stood up, Aaliyah doing the same. She put a hand on his arm though before he had a chance to exit the room and head down the stairs.

“I´m happy for you, you deserve love” he smiled at her and gave his sister a hug. He was lucky to have such a great family. “Also think about what I said, we will still be here so take a day or two and visit her before you have to gallivant around the world again” Shawn nodded his head and then they headed down for dinner.

**SHIALL**

Later that night after a few phone calls Shawn had rearranged his flight to the Philippines. Instead of flying out late the day after tomorrow he would be leaving in a few hours. He would also be taking a detour by London. He would fly to London and stay there for about 24 hours before taking another plane to Manila the next day.

He would literally do almost anything for Niall and flying all around the world just to see him only for a little while felt like nothing. He was excited to finally see him again after several weeks apart.

He had told his parents and Aaliyah his plans during dinner as they had formed in his head, telling them he had something he needed to take care of in London. Aaliyah had of course seen right through him and had after dinner commented with “London, huh bet she has a cute accent” which Shawn had only responded to with a shrug and a smile.

Niall did have the most adorable _Irish_ accent. Shawn couldn´t help but close his eyes and hear it in his head together with his loud and infectious laughter. You could hear it over the phone or see it over skype or snapchat but it wasn´t the same as seeing and hearing it being face to face. He couldn´t wait to see his boyfriend again soon.

He was packing his suitcase and chuckled a little as he added Niall´s four leaf clover boxer briefs. They came with rather fond memories now.

He always got a bit spoiled when coming home and his mum had washed his clothes for him. She had asked him about the underwear. Shawn had told her it had been a joke Christmas gift from Niall and that he had gotten Niall a pair boxer briefs with maple leafs and a moose on them. Keeping it as close to the truth as possible. His mum had laughed and just shook his head in wonder but hadn´t said anything else after that.

The underwear with maple leafs was not a bad idea though. He would look into getting Niall a pair because he had grown very fond of the Irish pair he had stolen and didn´t want to really give them back to be honest. Giving him a Canadian patterned ones would surely be a good trade.

He groaned to himself, he and Niall would probably turn into those sappy kinds of boyfriends that used each other’s clothes all the time and even had matching outfits and couple shirts. Even if it was a bit ridiculous he couldn´t help but smile at the thought and hope that someday they would get there even if it felt very far away at the moment.

After he had finished packing and had made himself comfortable in his bed to get a few hours of sleep before it would be time to leave for the airport he couldn´t help but feel very grateful to Aaliyah.

If it wasn´t for his sister he wouldn´t have gotten off his ass and made the arrangements to go to London and he wouldn´t be seeing Niall tomorrow.

He thought about the lyrics he had written a bit over a month ago _, I talk to my sister when I lose my way, she seems to get things much better than me._ Aaliyah was always there for him even when he didn´t know he needed to talk to her she always found a way to help him sort his thoughts out. He was really lucky to have a sister like her.

 


	15. Entertain Me Please

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shawn is on his way to London when he realizes that he has no idea if Niall will be home when he arrives. He text Niall and there is a slight misunderstanding that put suggestive ideas in both of their heads.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! I hope you will be happy seeing this update and that you will like the new chapter?
> 
> I'm so sorry for the loooooong wait. Can't believe it's 2 months since I last updated this, I have not abandoned it I promise. It's no excuses but I want to explain the long wait. My hard drive broke down so my plan/notes for the story got lost (so incredible stupid of me to not have a back up) and then I also had to redo some of my school work before graduation (on my mothers computer, now I have mine back though). I now have my master degree and am free for the summer (: When everything was finished with school and the like and the hard drive was changed I had slightly lost touch with the story because it had gone several weeks. Now I'm back on track though and it should never take this long again between updates! I already have most of the next chapter written.
> 
> Oh and also if you never noticed before I added a cover picture for the story before the start of chapter one. Go check that out if you want (:

**Chapter 15: Entertain Me Please**

Shawn had had a fitful night of sleep and he had mostly gone on autopilot this morning making his way to the airport as he had become accustom to over the last few years with going around the world and playing his music when on tour and doing promo.

He was nervous and it was ridiculous, he was just going to make a surprise visit to his boyfriend. But then again it was a pretty big deal. Surprising someone like this was something you did because you were just so in love that you couldn’t stay away from each other longer than necessary. When you would do anything just to spend a few extra minutes with someone even when unpractical and against better judgement. That was what he felt for Niall though he would go to great lengths just to see him again right now, he would do almost anything just to hear that laugh and be able to hug him, give him a kiss and maybe even more.

Shawn blushed a bit at the thought of more and looked around but there was no one paying him any attention which he was very grateful for. He thought about what Niall would maybe want to do after getting over the initial surprise and realizing that Shawn was really there. What did he wish that Niall would want to do, with him, or to him? Did he just want them to sit on the couch and embrace talking nonsense and just being close because they finally could? Did he want Niall to jump him and then just let the euphoria of seeing each other again run its course and maybe see it leading to _something?_

Shawn smiled just thinking about all the different possibilities. He realized that it really didn’t matter what would happen. He would see Niall in only hours now and that was all that really mattered, they would be together face to face and what they did together was not important. He realized that all things would be better when he did them with Niall. It still scared him a bit to even think about all the things he wanted to do both in private and in public with Niall but he hoped that one day it wouldn’t be scary anymore. And one day he would not only think and imagine doing them but actually live and experience them. That would literally be a dream come true.  
  
He took out his phone and scrolled to his message thread with Niall, looking through old ones chuckling and smiling at their conversations. As he was scrolling down and read about how Niall had retold how he had had a weekend away with some friends of his or how he had been away for golf he froze.

“Shit, I’m such an idiot” Shawn mumbled to himself and felt the need to slap himself on the forehead. How could he be so stupid. What if Niall wasn’t home, what if he had something planned and Shawn would go there and knock on the door just to have nobody answer. How could he not even have thought about the possibility of that happening?

Shawn toyed with his phone and ran his hand through his hair contemplating what to do. He didn’t want to ruin the surprise and it would be very suspicious to just ask what Niall was up to today directly out of the blue. He bit his lip and scrolled down the thread of messages with Niall before typing out a new one.

_Just packed for the Philippines a long flight ahead, would you entertain me please or are you busy?_ It was not a lie, he did pack not long ago and talking to Niall was always entertaining and something he appreciated. It was a great way to ask what he wanted to know but discretely. He hit send.

He would be so disappointed if his plans would not turn into anything, especially now when he had imagined seeing Niall again so soon. He wasn’t sure what he would do if he would have to wait for several more weeks. He shook his head deciding to not think like that and that he would deal with it if it came down to that.

His phone vibrated with a new message and seeing it was Niall’s response he felt his heart pick up speed, _please say you are not busy_ Shawn thought to himself. 

_Niall James Horan: Packing eh, hope you’re not bringing that many shirts wouldn’t mind a few shirtless pictures surfacing online (;_

Shawn chuckled reading the message a second time over. He would probably be shirtless a lot and now when he knew Niall was anticipating those pictures he would definitely leave the shirt at the hotel room a bit more than he would have done otherwise. He wished he was at home right now having this conversation, if he had been he would have taken a picture of his abs right at that moment to send it to Niall. He was fast realizing that teasing Niall was fun and arousing, knowing what pictures and words did to Niall made Shawn excited as well.

With that thought in mind he frowned at the online comment, Shawn would send Niall pictures just for him without hesitation. So why would he have to look it up on the internet. It was endearing though, he could picture Niall searching hashtags that the Mendes Army had started online to see what Shawn had been up to, he could See Niall being one of the many fangirls and fanboys over a picture or an Instagram video or live stream.

_Stalker much? You just need to ask for pictures you know._ he typed out and pressed send just as a new message came through.

_Niall James Horan: Entertain ya, how exactly?_

Shawn felt his cheeks heat. He got several visons how Niall could possibly entertain him and most of them didn’t involve that many clothes or distance either for that matter. He had not meant anything suggestive with the comment to begin with just intended it to suggest that they talk and Niall would keep him company if only over the phone but he could see how Niall could interpret it otherwise. He had to admit to himself that maybe he really wished something would happen when they saw each other tonight. _If_ they saw each other Shawn had to remind himself, Niall still hadn’t answered his question if he were busy or not. For all Shawn knew Niall may be anywhere but at home.

Where they about to start sexting? It was exciting but also a bit frightening. Shawn did not have much experience with that and he didn’t know what to write back his fingers hovering over the screen of his phone.

He had contemplated too long on how to answer apparently because his phone started to ring, instead of waiting on Shawn to respond Niall was calling him.

Shawn answered directly laughing at himself at how eager he was just to hear Niall’s voice. He had talked to him just a day or so ago but it was already too long ago and he was anticipating what would happen.

He made himself comfortable in his seat and lifted the phone to his ear “hey my lover” Niall said to him as greeting and his voice was slightly rougher than it usually was making Shawn shiver just a little bit.

Shawn was about to answer in kind with a _hi love_ but he caught himself just in time before the words could slip out of his mouth. It took a lot of effort to rein them in, but he was not alone and this conversation could be overheard and even if people wouldn’t know who he was talking to just calling someone “love” on the phone would cause suspicions. He didn’t want rumors to start not when as far as the public knew he was single and he didn’t want people trying to figure out who his new rumored love was. The less people knew the better. He took a deep breath and in the end just said a simple “hi.” 

“Thought it easier to entertain ya like this” Niall said and Shawn had to bite back a groan because that had definitely been suggestive and he wished he could let Niall do just that, _entertain him,_ but he was still in public and if he couldn’t even say the word _love_ how would they be able to have anything even resembling phone-sex?

“I didn’t mean…” Shawn started to say to try to explain that it was a misunderstanding he could almost see Niall lifting an eyebrow as in saying _seriously_ in response so he added a little weakly “not initially at least.” As predictable Niall just started to laugh.

He could feel his cheeks becoming red from embarrassment this time instead of from arousal. “Leave it to you to make a sexual suggestion by _mistake”_ Niall drew out the last word and kept laughing. Shawn wanted to protest but instead he just joined in and laughed as well, you couldn’t deny that it was a bit funny.

Many people forgot that he was actually just 18 and he didn’t have that much experience especially not when it came to all of this. To having a relationship and to everything that came with that. It didn’t really help that the relationship had to be secret and that to top it all off it also had to be long distance at the moment.

He fidgeted a bit and sighed “it’s not that I don’t want you to entertain me… like that” he said because well he did want it and he wanted it bad now when the thought had entered his brain. “I’m not alone though, I can’t really do anything.” Maybe even saying those sentences was too much if someone was listening in they would maybe be able to figure out what they were talking about and it made Shawn feel slightly panicky.

Niall was silent for a few seconds before he said in the same voice he had used when the call started “you can listen” and okay that was hot he could feel his body respond to just the thought of Niall having a go at talking dirty and suggestively to him through the phone. The fact that it would be in public actually made it even more intense and made him even more excited. He moved his hoodie a little so it covered his lap, someone catching him with a boner while on the phone was not a desirable outcome.

“Or” Niall paused before continuing in now his normal speaking voice “you could just call me back later when you’re alone, I’m free and home all evening to do whatever you” a light pause “we, want to do.” Shawn swallowed his brain had taken a small break as all the naughty thoughts had taken over and he had to concentrate hard just to be able to think and actually make conversation. They hadn’t even done any entertaining and he was still a right mess, he had to chuckle at himself.

He made a small sigh in relief at the fact that Niall would be home tonight, meaning they could spend the night together. He knew that calling or well waiting until they saw each other would be the smartest choice. Listening to Niall doing anything sexual or even just talking about doing anything and not being able to even make a sound would be too hard. He knew that it was the smartest choice of action but it was still hard to say when what he really wanted to do was letting Niall entertain him. The knowledge that they would see each other, for real, very soon made it easier though.

“I’ll call later” he said and he sounded slightly out of breath even to his own ears. Niall just hummed in response and then they fell into a comfortable conversation about his upcoming trip to the Philippines and about their new music that they were working on.

When they hung up the phone a while later Shawn smiled contently to himself. It would all go to plan and tonight they would see each other again. Do stuff and just be close. For every hour closer to when he would finally be in London, he could feel his heart grow a bit bigger with anticipation and warmth. Niall thought he would get a phone call but instead Shawn would appear on his doorstep. It was perfect and nothing could possibly ruin this.


	16. Irresistible

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nick is throwing Niall a party. Shawn is finally arriving in London and he and Niall reunite but it's not exactly as they had envisioned.

**Chapter 16: Irresistible**

Niall cursed under his breath. He would have to cancel with Shawn tonight and he really didn’t want to do that, he had looked forward to his call ever since they hung up the phone a few hours ago. He had plans for entertaining Shawn and he really wanted to make those plans into reality. He figured they could raincheck though and they could sexually entertain each other another day, another day very soon if he had anything to say about it.

There was a knock on the door and Niall made his way into the hallway straightening the shirt he had put on after the shower he had just taken. He opened the door and on the other side stood Nick Grimshaw with a grin as wide as his quiff was high. “Hiya Niall, ready to party?” he said almost a little too cheerfully.

Niall just nodded and opened the door a little wider reaching up to ruffle that quiff a bit when Nick made his way into the house. Nick just laughed and wacked Niall up the back of the head in reprimanding. In his other hand, he had a bag which Niall assumed was filled with liquor. “Not only posh wine I hope” Niall said mostly jokingly but knowing Nick and Harry’s circle of friends you can never be too sure.

Nick laughed once more as they made their way into Niall’s kitchen. “Nah I’m throwing this for you am I not, so of course there is some beer in there as well” Niall nodded mumbling “good lad” as he helped Nick taking out the contents of the bag and putting it on the counter.

Nick had called him just an hour or so ago. He had said Harry had told him that he was free today and that he had no excuses and therefore couldn’t say no to Nick throwing him a party. A party to say sorry for blurting about him and Shawn to Harry he had explained. Nick said he would DJ and everything and that it would be the “party of the year mate” and Niall had reluctantly said okay after he had tried to argue that it would be a bit strange for Nick to throw a party at Niall’s house out of the blue. Nick had just laughed in response to that and said he had crashed and thrown parties at friends’ houses before. Which didn’t really surprise Niall when he thought about it.

He had briefly thought about saying that he was waiting on a booty call from Shawn but had decided not to go there. Even if Nick knew about them it was one thing knowing and another thing getting details. He didn’t want to have to endure the teasing. Some things should be private and either way he didn’t know what Shawn would think about sharing information about their love life. So, in the end he really hadn’t had anything he could say to get out of the impromptu party. And now Nick was standing in his kitchen looking through his cabinets and taking out glasses and plates. Apparently Harry was bringing snacks and other fancy appetizers or something of the like.

Normally he would not have anything against the idea of a get together either. He liked socializing and having people over for some drinking, music and other fun games, it was a blast really. Normally it would be his friends though not Nick and his group and maybe some other celebrities or friends of Nick’s friends that were in town. Nick said Harry would also be here though and they didn’t see each other enough these days so Niall did look forward to that.

Niall was planning to release a new single soon and he knew that the promo for that would take him all over the world with very little time for seeing friends and family. He enjoyed traveling though and to see all the different places, especially now doing smaller gigs, things he had not really done before. He was looking forward to it a lot.  

Having to cancel on Shawn was what made him wish this party wasn’t happening. He knew though that when it started he would have fun. He and Nick were not that close not at all like Nick and Harry but Nick was still a good friend and it was a nice gesture throwing this party and wanting to make up for his mistake even if Niall had told him it wasn’t his fault and that it was fine several times. It seemed Nick still felt a bit bad about the whole thing though and if this party would be a way to make Nick feel better about it Niall would of course humor him.

Coming out to people was a big thing Niall was starting to realize bigger than he had thought before when he had never even imagined it was something that would ever be something he would have to consider and go through himself.

“World to Niall” Nick was looking at him with raised eyebrows. Niall shook his head to clear it and gave a small smile. He would let Nick and the others entertain him tonight and just relax not thinking about all the things coming up, he laughed at his own thoughts. Entertain him literally with entertainment, not the way he wished to entertain Shawn of course.

He frowned when he noticed that Harry was standing next to Nick and cutting up some cheese into cubs as well as cutting some kind of vegetables. When did he arrive?

“Huh…” he said going over to Harry and giving him a hug “H, when did you get here?” he asked as he drew back from their embrace again. Harry smiled that smile that warmed you to the core and showed his dimples. Niall loved seeing his friend so happy and carefree.

Harry cocked his head to the side and his smile turned into this cheeky little smirk. “You were somewhere else there for a while, thinking of someone, someone special maybe?” Niall blushed he really tried not to but he couldn’t help that his cheeks started to turn a light shade of pink. Shawn was on his mind a lot these days.

Harry burst out laughing at his reaction and Nick joined in, Niall tried to glare but he couldn’t help but smile instead. The fond looks that Harry and Nick were sending him made Niall feel bubbly and just so damn lucky. Being teased for being in love was not something he was opposed to it turned out, actually he quite liked it.

“Puppy love” Nick said putting one of his hands over his heart. Niall felt that he had to at least say a small “shut up” and look a little affronted. “He’s just jealous and wish he could have snatched someone like Shawn up himself” Harry said with a glint in his eye. Nick turned to Harry then “oi” making Harry start to laugh. Niall just shook his head. In all honesty having Nick and Harry know about him and Shawn was really kind of great.

When they turned around facing Niall again they were both smiling. “The “in love” look really suits you Niall” Harry started before ruffling Niall’s hair a bit “we really have to arrange for me to meet your man though.” Niall agreed and he really hoped Harry and Shawn would become great friends. He wanted all his friends and family to meet Shawn and for them to know who it was that was making him feel so happy and content. He knew it would have to wait but he also knew that when that day came it would probably be the happiest one of his life.

“Next time you talk to him you can also tell him I’d love to have him in for chat on Breakfast next time he’s in London” Nick added. Niall smiled and told him that he would be sure to forward the message.

Over the next hour or so people started to arrive. Niall made a lot of small talk and it was nice, they were nice people. Friends of friends and the like, acquaintances he would genuinely like to get to know better. Willie had also gotten there about ten minutes earlier giving Niall a look and asked why he had never told him about having people over. Nick had come over to them at that moment and explained how it was all his fault and then had just not stopped talking which was a talent of his.

Niall still had not said anything about Shawn to Willie, more than they were friends of course but everyone knew that. He wanted to and when Shawn was okay with it his cousin would be one of the first persons he would tell.

Niall was sitting on the coach in the living room, Nick had just taken his place at ‘Grim’s DJ booth’ that he had dubbed one if the corners of Niall’s living room. He was about to start up some entertainment when there was another knock on the door. Niall watched as Nick frowned and looked around a bit perplexed as if he didn’t know who it could be at the door. All in all, it was about 20 people milling around the room, so more like a gathering than a party really, which Niall was happy about. Niall chuckled at the fact that Nick seemed to have forgotten which people he himself had invited.  
Niall was about to stand from where he had sat in-between Harry and Willie to go and open the door to the new guest. Nick waved him off though saying “I’m the host of this party so I welcome the guests” Niall would have argued and said that it was his house but Nick was already down the hall. He heard the door open and then nothing which was strange, making him frown.

“Eh Niall… I think you should come and greet this one after all” Nick shouted from down the hall, there was something different with his tone of voice. Niall looked at Harry who just shrugged in response. Niall was intrigued, there had to be someone special for Nick to react like that.

He made his way down the hall and turned and looked at Nick with a bewildered look as he entered the entrance hall “Nick what…?” he stopped talking as Nick just gestured at the opened door and Niall steered his eyes there. His breath caught in his throat because the one standing there was about the last person he would have expected it to be.

In the doorway looking a little sheepish was Shawn, _his_ Shawn was standing in the doorway to his house. Shawn was only meters away from him. Shawn was here. Niall could feel that he was gaping as he stared at Shawn trying to comprehend the fact that he was really right in front of him.

“Hi… surprise?” Shawn said a little breathlessly, it seemed seeing Niall again face to face was doing the same to him as seeing Shawn was doing to Niall. He couldn’t stop staring at the gorgeous boy in front of him, his gorgeous boy. He had on a warmer jeans jacket over a hoodie. His lips were a bit pinker than he remembered them as he must have been biting on them a lot, Niall felt the need to kiss them and bite them himself making them even more red than they already were. Shawn’s hair was ruffled from the wind looking a little like he had just woken up or had a really good shag. Niall blushed at that and couldn’t wait to be responsible for that look as well, to ruin Shawn and then put him back together again.

Niall started to laugh, it just bubbled out of him uncontrolled and so full of happiness he felt it in his whole body. It was a surprise alright, a really bloody welcome one. “Shawn” he said under his breath “you’re really here?” Niall had to ask, had to make sure. Shawn smiled and nodded “I’m really here Niall” and Niall shivered at hearing that voice say his name like it was the most beautiful word. His name and “I love you” would be two things Niall would never get tired hearing coming from Shawn’s lips.

Niall took a few strides ready to embrace Shawn and never let him go. To kiss him breathless and make every touch count for as long as they had together. His skin was burning with the need to close the distance between them.

He was only a couple of feet away from Shawn when he heard Nick mutter under his breath, “so fucking sorry” and “how do I keep ruin things” and Niall stopped in his tracks. He and Shawn both looked at Nick in surprise as if they had both forgotten that he had even been there in the first place. Nick looked back at them with so much pity in his eyes, it took Niall a few seconds to realize why and when he did he groaned, making a slightly broken noise in the back of his throat.

Shawn was here but so where about 20 other people, 20 people that had no idea about him and Shawn. Twenty people that couldn’t find out about them yet. You could hear slight mumbling coming from the living room, someone must have started the music as well because the sound of some old Fleetwood Mac song was also slipping out into the entrance hall.  
  
Anyone of the guests could be wandering down the hallway right now and see them standing there. Shawn was right in front of him and yet he couldn’t do anything of what he wanted to do to the man he loved. It was almost more torturous to have him here and not being able to do anything than having the distance being an obstacle.

If it had just been up to Niall he would have said “fuck it” and just taken Shawn into his arms anyway, not caring if anyone was watching. He knew he couldn’t though because it was not only up to him.

Niall looked back at Shawn and he could tell Shawn wanted to just close the last few feet too but he was holding back and Niall swallowed. The itching to just stretch his hand out and touch was almost painful to resist and the tension in the room was almost electric. Niall and Shawn were publicly friends though so he could greet him as such, it would be a touch even if it wouldn’t even be close to what he wanted to do.

Niall stepped the last step up to Shawn and gave him a small hug, a bro hug with one arm. It was not at all as he had envisioned their reunion would be. It was a bit awkward, they were both holding back and it became hesitant and tentative instead of natural and passionate.

He still couldn’t help but smile at finally having Shawn close again to feel his heartbeat through the layers of clothes, his heart was beating hard and Niall knew his was doing the same. Niall also drew in a shaking breath and made the smallest of noises of pleasure at finally having Shawn’s smell fill his nostrils. Before drawing back he couldn’t help but lick the shell of Shawn’s ear and whisper in his ear “you don’t know how happy I am to see ya” his voice a little bit unsteady.

Niall took a step back creating some distance between them, if he was staying in too close proximity to Shawn he knew he would not be able to keep himself back from touching him in ways considered more than just friendly. Nick winced to the side of them and when Niall looked his way he was scratching his neck and looking so apologetic.

“I’m so sorry guys” he repeated and then he laughed, not the happy kind though more like a devastated and self-conscious laugh. “I was doing this to make up for me saying too much too fast and then I go and ruin your surprise as well, I’m such a loser.”

“Cockblocked by Nick Grimshaw” Niall said and then he laughed too. He was miserable that they were not alone and would have done almost anything just to get a little while one on one with Shawn right now but it was a bit funny when you thought about it. Shawn started to laugh as well after a few seconds and then they couldn’t stop for over a minute.

Nick looked bewildered “never seen anyone being so happy about being cockblocked before” he said but he was smiling and the defeated look he had worn was gone which made Niall happy. It really wasn’t Nick’s fault this time either. Just circumstances and really bad luck.

Nick’s comment just made Niall and Shawn laugh harder, all the emotions and tension that had built up were released through laughter. And really even if Niall and Shawn were unable to do most of anything like boyfriends right now just being in the same house, in the same country heck even just being on the same continent again was amazing. Being able to just look him in the eyes and laugh together was a blessing.

This was the first time they saw each other and talked to one another, not counting on a screen or over a phone line, since that night when they first got together and confessed their growing feelings for each other. For Niall, it felt like they had been together for some time, he couldn’t even imagine his life without Shawn anymore. In reality though they had not even really begun and that was both thrilling and a little scary.

“Would you mind” Niall said pointedly to Nick and raised an eyebrow when they had stopped laughing. Nick blushed a little and nodded.

“I can give you a few minutes alone, if someone is going your way I can shout out um… Harold, or something” Niall laughed at the choice safe word, for lack of better term, and nodded gratefully. “Thank you that would be appreciated” Nick nodded again and then he made his way back to the living room. “Surprise guest, you’ll never believe who just turned up unannounced” they could faintly hear Nick tell the others.

Niall turned back to Shawn and smiled a small more private smile this time and took that last step again so that their bodies lined up and they were touching from thighs to shoulders. He laid his hand gently on the curve of Shawn’s backside and took a deep breath. Shawn chuckled and nuzzled his nose into Niall’s hair “hi” he said for a second time since he arrived.

Niall didn’t know if he felt like laughing again or if he would burst into tears instead. Having Shawn here and in his arms, was such a relief and it just felt so fucking right, he couldn’t really explain it. This right here in his entrance hall with Shawn were just where he was meant to be.

“Hi” he said back tilting his head and burrowing his face in Shawn’s neck. They stood frozen like that for some time just holding each other and being content to just finally being together again. When they finally drew back and looked at each other’s faces it was like time was standing still and the only thing that excited was the two of them.

If Nick had shouted out “Harold” or anything else, if there had been a fire the two of them would probably not have even blinked that was how much they was caught up in each other in that very moment. Having Shawn here and feeling his body against his own made Niall wonder how on earth he had survived the weeks since he had left Shawn back in L.A. and not been able to have this every day.

“Kiss me” they both blurted at the same time after they had stared at each other for what could have been an eternity but probably was less than a minute. They started laughing and leaning in for a kiss, it was perfect. Their first kiss in weeks on end and the euphoria Niall felt was one he couldn’t ever remember feeling in his life up to this day.

When the laughter died between their lips the kiss turned slightly more heated but still gentle and searching. Kissing Shawn still felt new, it was new, everything they were doing was still so new. If Niall would describe kissing Shawn he would say it was the worlds eight wonder. It was that incredible. He couldn’t help but bit down a little on Shawn’s bottom lip as he had thought about earlier when seeing them so pink. Shawn’s hand was playing with the short hair at Niall’s neck and it was more and not enough of everything at the same time.

Niall could have stood there forever snogging Shawn but he knew people would soon come looking and either way they needed to breath. He could feel his head getting a little dizzy, to be fair he was not sure if it was from the kiss itself or from the lack of oxygen.

They drew apart put stayed in each other’s arms, Niall would stay there until there was no choice but to let go.

Shawn sighed “I should have said I was coming, it just seemed like such a good idea and I wanted to surprise you” Niall just shook his head and squeezed Shawn a little tighter. Shawn was there that was all that mattered and it had been a great idea and a brilliant surprise.

“I loved the surprise Shawn, it’s so…” he choked a bit at the fact that Shawn had really flown all the way here just to be able to see Niall for only a little while. It was almost too much and instead of trying to express the whirlwind of feelings Shawn’s actions had stirred up he made light hearted teasing. “You really couldn’t stay away could ya, I’m just that irresistible” he said and bit down on his own lip feeling his eyes glaze over, there was just so much love between them and it really was a bit too much to take in.

“I really couldn’t” Shawn made a small noise and looked down as if that made him embarrassed. Niall couldn’t have that and lifted Shawn’s chin up so that he could look him in the eyes, the sincerity Niall saw in the light brown orbs was so strong and honest it took his breath away “missed you too much” Shawn told him and Niall nodded in response, to overwhelmed to say anything, because he knew the feeling. He had missed Shawn every minute of every day when they were separated.

He hoped Shawn knew how much he had missed him and how much it meant to Niall that he was here right now. Even if he was not able to say it all with words he hoped Shawn knew. He gave Shawn a small peck on the lips not to instigate a snog but to try to convey what he was feeling without having to use his words. The smile Shawn gave him told Niall that he knew and he smiled even brighter back.

Shawn then gave Niall a slightly more playful look and leaned in a little closer to Niall’s ear before starting to sing quietly under his breath so that no one else would be able to overhear.

 _"I find your lips so kissable_  
_And your kiss unmissable_  
_Your fingertips so touchable_  
_And your eyes irresistible_  
_(Irresistible)_  
_Irresistible_  
_(Irresistible)_  
_Irresistible_  
_(Irresistible)_  
_Irresistible_  
_(Irresistible)"_

Niall laughed and echoed the last few _irresistible_ together with Shawn. Shawn smiled happily and Niall shook his head but he was smiling too, Shawn was really something else. He had never felt like this before, everything with Shawn was so easy and right. He also loved how Shawn knew the lyrics to old One Direction songs by heart and gosh how great they sounded with Shawn singing the words. Shawn singing to him was the best feeling in the world even when it was more teasingly than anything else.

Shawn fidgeted slightly and then looked pointedly towards the living room “so a party, I thought you said you would be free all evening?” Niall sighed and nodded. He took Shawn’s hand before answering. “Yeah but Nick called and I really couldn’t say no, hey this is your party to actually he is doing this to say sorry for telling Harry about us” Shawn nodded understandingly.

Shawn playfully glared towards the living room making Niall laugh, “don’t be too hard on him love, he has a good heart and good intentions” Niall felt Shawn caress his hand with his thumb and it was nice and reassuring, he could get used to small touches like that.

“I won’t, Nick’s actually one of my favorite radio hosts and I always have a great time being on his show” Niall smiled “me too but don’t tell him” he agreed and winked at Shawn.

Niall’s smile soon turned into a slight smirk instead when he saw the opportunity to embarrass Shawn a little. “I was very close to tell Nick he couldn’t throw the party but me only excuse would have been that I was waiting on your call and wanted to have phone-sex with ya” and as predicted Shawn flushed and looked away. Niall noticed that the mention of their earlier plans did not only make Shawn embarrassed tough but also a little aroused it seemed. He wished that he could act on the moment but knew if the teasing went further they would not be able to stop so he refrained from doing so.

Shawn looked up at him then with a more serious and slightly saddened expression “I’m sorry you know” Niall frowned because he couldn’t think of anything Shawn should feel the need to be even the least sorry about. “What for?”

Shawn waved his hand around “for not being ready, for holding us back and making everything harder” he said and closed his eyes tightly. Niall just shook his head and drew on their still entwined hands so that he could hug Shawn close to his body.

“I know you are love, I know” Niall said and he felt Shawn relax in his arms. “You don’t need to be sorry though, I understand” Niall felt the movement of Shawn’s nod against the side of his own head.

It was true that Niall would have been ready to just go into his living room that was filled with people holding Shawn’s hand. Having him sit in his lap and maybe even sneaking some small kisses in here and there. He didn’t know if he was prepared to go public to the world just yet but he was definitely ready to tell his friends and family.

They haven’t even told their families or most of their closest friends yet though so to tell the people in Niall’s living room right now wasn’t really what Niall wanted either. Even if he would have been ready to do so and wanted to have Shawn close and touch him all over, he wanted to do the coming out thing and tell people about his relationship with Shawn in the right order. He had one chance to make it right and not to make it harder on anyone than it needed to be.

If people like his mum and Liam would here about his new relationship from the press or knowing people not that close to Niall knew before them they would probably be hurt, the last thing Niall wanted was to hurt anyone. His news was about love and it should be something to celebrate not something causing troubles and feelings of sadness and betrayal.

“Just pretending to be friends is really what’s best for tonight” saying it out load made it more convincing. Keeping his distance and the glances and touches towards Shawn to a minimum would be really hard though especially when all he wanted to do what the opposite. He wanted to be more affectionate than ever after being separated for so long.

Shawn took a deep breath and let it out slowly “I just wish it was different” and Niall knew exactly what he meant. That the world was different, the music industry, the media. That it just wouldn’t be a bigger deal because they were supposedly straight popstars that had fallen for each other. That it wouldn’t be a bigger deal that they were dating than it would have been if they dated a female artist instead. But it would be, they both knew it and they could do nothing to change that fact.

Niall released Shawn from the hug and took both of his hands in his “it will be fine, and hey you’ll finally meet Harry you should know he’s really excited to meet ya” Niall was excited for them to meet as well.

Shawn looked slightly pale though and his eyes widened momentarily “Harry’s here, I’ll meet one of your best friends?” Niall couldn’t help but laugh at the scared look his words had been met with.

“Don’t tell me you’re scared?” Shawn just looked at him and swallowed visibly. “That’s a big deal man, he… He knows about us and he’s known you for like forever, of course I’m nervous” Niall just shook his head and leaned up kissing Shawn on his nose making him giggle which had been the effect Niall had been going for. He already looked more relaxed than he had done seconds before.

“Harry is like the softest most loving human being out there, he loves everyone especially if they take care of his friends and makes them happy” Shawn looked very much at easy now and Niall knew it would go perfectly “and you make me very happy.”

Shawn smiled “you make me happy too” and they both couldn’t stop grinning now. Niall had not laughed and smiled this much in a while, his cheeks would probably start to hurt soon but he wouldn’t have it any other way.

They looked simultaneously towards the living room, it had been almost ten minutes since Nick had went back to the others and they should probably already have headed there if they wanted to avoid questions about what they had been doing in the hallway for so long.

Niall let go of one of Shawn’s hands and squeezed the other gently “ready?” he asked and looked up at him. Shawn nodded “let’s do this” Shawn said and they took a few steps until Shawn stopped and Niall looked back at him questioningly.

“Wait, one more thing before we head in there” Shawn drew Niall back by the hand and into his arms connecting their lips in a kiss. This kiss was more passionate and a bit harder than the last. It only lasted for a few seconds but it had a promise of more and when they drew back from each other Niall was almost dizzier than when they had kissed for a minutes earlier. Shawn smiled and Niall could have sworn he also licked his lips and he wanted to just drag Shawn down the hall and into the bedroom to do unspeakable things to him. Later he told himself they still had time for that, later.

Shawn took a step back from Niall and let go of him completely. Niall instantly felt cold and empty when he and Shawn wasn’t touching anymore. He felt the urge to reach for him again and close the distance, having been apart for so long made him want to keep touching Shawn. He still wasn’t sure if his brain had really registered the last ten minutes and that Shawn was really there with him at the moment. His touch was so reassuring and without it Niall felt slightly lost.

“Now, I’m ready” Shawn said and Niall nodded echoing Shawn’s earlier words “let’s do this” before they both headed down the hall towards the living room to join the party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry again for the long wait between chapter 14 and 15. Here is the 2nd chapter within about 24 hours to make up for it and it's a big one. They finally reunited! (:


	17. Playing Pretend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shawn meets Willie for the first time and realize he and Niall have some things they need to talk about. They pretend to be just friends at the party and makes an impromptu performance together exposing some insecurities.

**Chapter 17: Playing Pretend**

Just as they are about to go around the corner and enter the living room area they hear a loud and clear “Harold” in Nick’s familiar voice. It’s followed by Harry sounding confused and saying, “I didn’t do anything” and laugher as Nick makes a joke about how Harry just needs to breath and people especially young girls all over the world will fall like flies. Shawn feels himself tense slightly. Nick was warning him and Niall, someone was on their way towards them. He was about to go into the party with Niall by his side and they were going to pretend to be just friends. Having to put up a facade and starting pretending on a whim being faced with someone in mere seconds was not something he was prepared for though. It made him very nervous.

After rounding the corner, Niall almost went straight into another man that was about to exit the room. Shawn had stepped back a few feet and was now standing slightly behind Niall. He felt more secure just observing their interactions instead of being involved himself, he had no idea who the man in front of him were.

“Niall, you should teach your friends how to throw a party, I’ve not had dinner and all they are serving are some cheese cubes and cucumber sticks” the man said and Niall laughed one of those laughs that just bubbled out of him as if he was unable to hold it back. The man made a grimace before adding “without dip” as if that was the biggest crime of all, it made Niall almost double over with laughter. Shawn loved that laugh. He loved all of Niall’s laughs but especially the laugh that made Niall’s whole-body shake, the laugh that bounced around a room and made it vibrate.

Niall took a step up to the other man and patted him on the shoulder as if to say that they were in it together before shaking his head “you should be happy they were not giving you only super healthy snacks like kale, brussels sprouts or celery” Niall then said sending him into another laughing fit when his comment made the man in front of them visibly shudder and mutter under his breath about how kale should be forbidden to even enter the house.

Shawn could feel the familiarity between Niall and the unfamiliar man. He must have been a close friend, not just one of Nicks friends that Niall had only met a handfuls of times if only that. Shawn then realized how he and Niall had not really talked about friends and family before. He knew about some of Niall’s friends in the industry and such but he had no idea about people Niall had in his life outside of that. There was so much he still didn’t know about Niall and that Niall didn’t know about him.

When Shawn looked at the mans’ disgruntled face as Niall had a laugh on his expense he couldn’t help to chuckle a bit himself, not only was the facial expression funny but Niall’s laugh was also so contagious and the tenseness Shawn was feeling started to dissipate as he let Niall’s laughter help him relax.

His chuckle startled the man though who first now seemed to remember that Niall was not alone and he made eye contact with Shawn. Shawn felt like he should look away but looked back anyway. This was a friend of Niall’s and they were about to lie to him and tell them Shawn was just Niall’s friend too. It felt wrong to look at him and pretend that it was just as it should be.

Pretend was what they were doing though and if he couldn’t even look a person in the eyes how would he be able to act normal for hours on end without causing suspicion? He bit his lip giving a small smile.

Niall turned and looked at him too with a little encouraging smile and nod. Before turning back to the man “Sorry, Sorry totally forgot the introductions” he said a little pink cheeked and all adorable, Shawn shook his head, he had to stop thinking like that because if he didn’t he wouldn’t be able to keep pretending for long. He had taking acting classes lately, he had to get into a character and not let his true emotions shine through.

“Shawn this is Willie Devine me cousin, Willie this is Shawn Mendes me b…” here Niall hesitated for just a second or so swallowing before smiling wide but not the normal smile he wore most of the time, instead it was a more plastered one, a smile that made Shawn frown slightly. Niall stepped back and put one arm around Shawn’s shoulders before finishing with “my best friend.” Shawn nodded and smiled that half smile again nodding his head.

Shawn guessed that was not a lie, not completely at least. Shawn and Niall had been friends before they had confessed their feelings for each other. They had started out as friends so why was it so hard to act like it now?

Willie gave a little nod in confirmation, he then turned towards Shawn “welcome to our home mate, always nice to meet one of Niall’s close friends. He’s talked about you some you know.” Shawn really tried but he was unable to stop the slight blush that appeared hearing that Niall had talked about him with his cousin.

His _cousin_ , the word cousin was bouncing around in his head and he felt a bit overwhelmed. Niall had told him he would be meeting Harry today but he had not even mentioned he would meet a member of Niall’s family like that. And Willie lived there as well. He felt a bit like the walls were closing in, he hadn’t known that. He had no idea about that Niall lived with his cousin.

Shawn shook his head and said the first thing coming to mind even if it was cliché and overused “only good things I hope?” it had an unexpected effect as Willie started to laugh and winked at Shawn before he replied. “The best, he’s probably your biggest fan” this time he didn’t just get a slight flush but was full on blushing.

He looked over at Niall, he desperately wanted to talk to him in private about this and he couldn’t. Niall just mouthed _later_ before he turned back facing his cousin. “He’s cute Nialler” was that something you said about someone’s friend? Maybe it was in Ireland, he hoped it was. He knew it was dumb but it felt like anyone looking at them could tell, that their secret would be out in no time and every comment made his palms sweat.

Niall wacked Willie up the head “shut up will ya, you’re embarrassing him” Willie just laughed “like I said, cute” which earned him another smack on the head from Niall. 

“You lads want anything form the kitchen?” Willie then asked and Niall looked at him. He hadn’t eaten for a few hours and he should probably say yes but he was unsure if he could stomach anything at the moment. Niall must have seen that Shawn was finding this more difficult than it should be, because it looked like it pained him to keep up the charade but he shook it off before keeping up the cheerful tone “a beer maybe?”

Shawn nodded because yes, a beer was exactly what he needed to calm his nerves and maybe be able to relax some more and stop fretting and act more normally.

Willie went into the kitchen and Shawn gulped, the living room was only a few meters away. Niall looked around before he reached out his hand and squeezed Shawn’s shoulder. That simple touch did do a lot and Shawn smiled a small smile again, this time it was real and a more genuine smile. The tense feeling, he had had while Willie had watched them was gone.

“Sorry forgot to tell ya you would meet me cousin, he liked you though” Shawn nodded and almost leaned into Niall for an embrace. Just the squeeze to the shoulder was a bit much though and more would be weird if someone walked in. He wanted to say that yea Willie liked him but only as Niall’s cute friend, the question was if he would like him if he knew that he was more than that. Now was not the time though, later Niall had said, they would have to talk later.

They made the last few meters to the entrance to the living room and as they went through the threshold it felt as if everything went silent and everyone looked their way. Nick said something about that the special surprise guest had arrived and then there were people everywhere. Mingling, he could do this, he had done this before.

He glanced at Niall one last time and looked him in the eyes before someone came up and he was drawn into conversation and Niall was talking to Willie which had just returned with a couple of beers.

**SHIALL**

Niall couldn’t believe he had almost called Shawn his boyfriend in front of Willie. It had just been the natural reaction, he had almost forgotten for a moment they were supposed to just be causal and pretend that they were only friends. Being around Shawn and Willie was both so easy and it was so foreign not being able to be himself around family, not being able to do what he wanted and what felt most natural.

Like every celebrity you had some things you did in front of media differently than you would do at home, some things you kept for yourself and your family and did not share with the public. But having to keep the media persona and keep things like that from family and friends was new and it was harder than Niall had thought. Normally he could keep those two personas separated.

Not being able to be honest left a bad feeling behind as well, his stomach twisted unpleasantly and the words “best friend” leaving his mouth made him cringe slightly. Best friend was not even close to what Shawn was and meant to him. Shawn was his everything and that was also why he was doing all this he remembered himself. He was going to pretend and giving Shawn all the time he needed because he wanted him to, needed him to and he would do anything for Shawn. He would do anything because he loved him. It was that easy, maybe it was not really healthy but love seldom were. Love was a complicated mess, a beautiful mess but a mess non-the less.

He was standing nursing a beer in the corner of the room, since they had joined the party he had mostly stayed back and just talked to people as they passed. He sometimes glanced at Shawn, he had found himself looking a few times and forgotten to look away until Shawn had glances his way. He did not let their eyes connect because keeping his distance were so much easier if he didn’t let the intimate and closeness eye contact brought have a chance to fester between them.

He had watched as Shawn had talked and laughed with people. He had heard him say he had just been in the neighborhood, and came by to catch up with him for a bit not knowing there would be a party. Been in the neighborhood, was so far from the truth. Shawn had gone by plane for about an extra eight hours and that in the wrong direction only to get here to spend time with him.

Either Shawn was a good actor or this was easy for him, talking and lying. Niall didn’t think he was a very good actor and lying had never come easy to him. He kept saying the same thing as Shawn that he had other things to take care of in London before going to Asia. That the reason he was in London was not to be here that he was only here because it was a convenience, an opportunity to catch up.

He was looking at Shawn right now. Harry had just made his way over and was talking with Shawn animatedly. Harry hadn’t even said anything before he had given Shawn a really big hug. As if they were best friends already and had known each other for a long time and were really close. It made Niall smile and frown at the same time.

Niall and Shawn would not be able to hug because that could be suspicious and they may get caught up in each other and hold on too long for what would be appropriate for friends. Harry could hug Shawn though and they had not even met before today. Niall could go up to anyone in this room and give them a hug and it wouldn’t be weird, no one would think twice about it. While hugging Shawn in this room filled with people was out of the question. The only person he really wanted to hug was also the only person he couldn’t.

Harry seemed to have whispered something in Shawn’s ear that made Shawn blush and Harry laugh. Niall would have to ask Shawn later what Harry had said to him.

He was about to go back into the kitchen to get another beer when he heard someone, he didn’t catch who “there’s several popstars present, can’t someone play us a little tune” the room erupted in agreements and cheers.

“Hey, is my DJing that bad?” he heard Nick ask faking being hurt and people laughed in response. He hadn’t sung with Shawn for real for a great while and the idea appealed to him. He searched for him in the crowd and when he found him he was already looking back at him. Niall raised an eyebrow and Shawn was biting his lip and seemed to think about it before giving the slightest nod.

Niall smiled, even if they may not be able to act as a couple and even if they didn’t really know how to act around each other as friends. Even if he had made himself almost avoid Shawn as they entered the room they could connect like this. Music was one of the most pure and intimate things you could share with someone. Sharing that with Shawn was so special.

“I haven’t released anything yet” Harry said and shrugged. A few people protested and tried to peruse him to sing something else, to do a cover. Harry just waved a hand in Shawn and then Niall’s general direction.

Niall made his way over for the first time standing by Shawn’s side since they entered the room. Not too close though, a respectable distance, almost a foot between their hands that were hanging by their sides.

“Haven’t Niall said he really love Treat You Better? Would be bloody brilliant hearing you duet that” Nick said and he had a smile on like he already knew this would be exceptional. Niall looked at Shawn and Shawn looked back at him with a smile. Niall wanted to kiss that smile but instead he just looked away.

He heard Shawn made a noise in the back of his throat. “Well, I’m all for it. Niall?” Niall nodded before Shawn had even finished speaking.

There was some applause form the others and Willie had gone and gotten Niall’s guitar for him. Niall wished he had a piano in here tight now. He would have loved hearing Shawn doing the intro on there for Niall to then join in strumming the guitar, making the music blend like he and Shawn blended together.

They made their way over to the sofa which the others had vacated making room for them to have an impromptu performance. They first sat on the opposite ends of the couch, he caught Harry’s eye though and he looked at them incredulously. Niall shook his head at himself and moved over next to Shawn, not obviously close but not with the whole sofa between them either.

They were lovers, they were trying to pretend to be friends but was instead almost acting as if they were enemies or like they had had a fight. It was a fine line, enemies, friends, lovers. Being too cautious trying to hide their true feelings could make them seem cold and unfriendly but acting like close friends had a dangerous possibility to make them forget and lapse into doing things they were not supposed to be doing if they wanted their relationship to stay a secret.

He strummed his guitar and nodded. He looked over at Shawn and he had a look on his face that Niall could not completely decipher, it was fond and calculating and something more. He smiled though and Niall smiled back and nodded, Shawn counted them in and Niall started to play.

Under the next three minutes it felt like time stood still and everything other than the music and Shawn beside him faded away. Music sometimes did that, took you to another place and made everything else insignificant. It was more profound this time than ever before, being taken to that place with Shawn. The song felt different this time as well, different than he had ever heard it before. As if it was their song and made for just this moment.

The meaning of the lyrics didn’t feel like they were about a girl that was abused and that Shawn was singing that she deserved better, that she deserved someone like him. No, it felt like Shawn was singing to him, that he could treat _him_ better. That he could be better for him than he already was.

Niall wanted to scream at that because Shawn was treating him so good already. He was the best boyfriend you could ask for, he didn’t want or need him to be or do anything else than he already did.

The emotion Shawn was singing with, the honest and deep feeling was making Niall dizzy and you didn’t need to look at Shawn to know that he was giving a part of himself with this performance. They were playing pretend but not right now, right at this second their hearts were exposed. Niall closed his eyes only listening to Shawn’s voice almost echoing in the otherwise silent room.

When the second and third verse came around Niall especially felt like Shawn had written the song for this situation, that he had gone deep down in his heart and found these words to sing only for Niall to understand. To be able to tell him what he was feeling without anyone else being the wiser.

 _I'll stop time for you_  
_The second you say you'd like me to_

You are without me even asking, Niall wanted to tell him. Right at this moment time was at a standstill and it felt like the globe had stopped turning. Shawn was wiping all his problems away, the only thing present in his mind was Shawn’s voice and the love he felt for the man singing for him.

 _I just wanna give you the loving that you're missing_  
_Baby, just to wake up with you_

Niall had all the love he could possibly need. He felt it radiate from Shawn at this very second and it made him feel warm all over. He had never even thought he would find this, this complete and unconditional love, but Shawn gave him that and it broke his heart a little that Shawn was doubting that the love he was giving Niall was enough. That he was enough for him.

Someday soon he would want that love to be in the open and he would want that love to be able to be expressed whenever and however he liked. He would like to be able to go to bed and wake up next to Shawn without having to worry, without needing to sneak around. But at the moment this was enough even if it was hard, Shawn would always be enough for him.

_Would be everything I need and this could be so different  
Tell me what you want to do_

It wasn’t just about him, it was about them. It could be different and it would be different at some point, they would get there together. Hopefully one day the world and the industry would be different as well. Hopefully someday people like them would never be in their situation, hopefully one day all kinds of love would be looked at the same. The one thing that would not change thought was the love they had for each other and as long as that was a constant they would be okay. Shawn’s love was everything he needed.

 _Give me a sign_  
_Take my hand, we'll be fine_  
_Promise I won't let you down_  
_Just know that you don't_  
_Have to do this alone_  
_Promise I'll never let you down_

He wished he could literally just take Shawn’s hand and tell him it would all be fine. It was killing him that he couldn’t give Shawn that sign he needed that he was unable to reassure him without giving to much away. Reassure him that he was not letting Niall down. That they were in this together, completely, together in this relationship, together in this secret. Together in every aspect of the word, for the good parts and the bad. He had to make Shawn see that, had to make him understand.

Niall didn’t even remember that he himself had started to sing. He could hear their voices blending together in harmony though, their voices fitting as well as their bodies when they let themselves be together as they wanted to. Them becoming one instead of two separate beings.

Niall had his eyes closed the whole time he was afraid that if he opened them it would all be too much.

He strummed the last note and the room was completely silent, you could even hear the kitchen clock’s ticking all the way into the living room. Niall opened his eyes and looked at Shawn. Looking into his eyes was as if he was looking at his soul. He couldn’t look away, he tried to convey with just one look how much that had meant to him. How much Shawn meant to him, how much he loved him.

He wanted to give Shawn a hug, he wanted to just scoot closer but he knew everyone in the room were watching them and studying their every move. He would have hugged him anyway, he told himself he could do that, just hug him. He was interrupted though by someone breaking the silence with letting out a breath followed by a “wow”. That seemed to get people talking and the first comment was followed by several others. “your collaboration will be sick, that was incredible”, “talk about musical chemistry”, “I wish I was that talented” which made Niall feel proud and warm all over. 

He and Shawn really was a match in every aspect, musically, physically and mentally. He had never felt so close to someone before in his life which was ironic as he was trying to keep his distance to Shawn at the moment.

As the people around them commented on their performance Niall leaned in a little closer to Shawn and said quietly “you treat me the best” he had to say something to try to make Shawn understand. He looked into Shawn’s eyes and tried to say everything he couldn’t express by words. Shawn swallowed visibly before looking like he would protest. If they had been alone Niall would have kissed him to prevent the words from leaving his mouth. There was no arguing the fact that Shawn was treating his good, probably even better than he was really deserving.

As it was he couldn’t do that and instead he had to watch Shawn look down before saying just loud enough for Niall to hear “but I could treat you better.” Someone sat down on the empty space on the couch beside Niall and he was unable to answer Shawn without being overheard. He lifted his hand to Shawn’s shoulder and squeezed briefly before he turned around away from Shawn and joined in one of the conversations going on around him.

He Heard Shawn do the same and was relieved that it seemed his words and squeeze to the shoulder had been enough to reassure Shawn about his insecurities for now. They would have to talk about it later. 


	18. Love Wins Always

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nick reflects over Shiall's situation. The boys finally have some alone time.

**Chapter 18: Love Wins Always**

The door closed after the last guest leaving the house, it was about half past three in the morning and everyone except Harry, himself and of course Shawn had now left. It had been a fun party at least after Nick’s standards and he knew quite a lot about parties in general. If it wasn’t for the ruined surprise it would have been a total success.

He was still mentally berating himself for putting up unnecessary obstacles for Niall and Shawn that had enough on their plates as it was without his interference. Of course, it had not at all been his intentions but he seemed to just do the wrong thing trying to make the right thing and it was frustrating.

They were standing in the hallway and Harry was putting on his cherished Chelsea boots. Shawn and Niall was standing beside each other but still not that close which made Nick frown, he had thought that now when they were alone with people that knew about them they would be all over each other or in the least embrace or have some contact.  

Nick shrugged maybe they just weren’t that big on PDA even if it was just in front of Harry and himself. They would maybe tease some but only goodheartedly of course if they did do something couple-y and disgustingly cute. Nick remembered that they had kissed in front of him in the hallway before so it couldn’t be that after all. So why where they still keeping their distance?

Just then Willie came out from the kitchen and Niall slapped Shawn on the shoulder in a decisively laddish and friendly manner and Shawn showed him a little in retaliation that also in a mate to mate kind of way. Then it dawned on Nick that Shawn and Niall were still pretending, they were still holding back because of Niall’s cousin. Nick hadn’t even realized that he was in the dark about the nature of the two boys’ relationship.

He felt sad for them and some of his emotions must have been seen on his face because Harry gave him a look and he just shook his head. He had been where Shawn and Niall were now, he had been in the closet to the world only a few years ago. His friends and family had known for a long time before he decided to be open to the world though, even when in the closet he had not needed to play someone he wasn’t, not like that.

He wanted to help them, he wanted to say that telling people was scary but worth it. It was cliché but not less true that if people loved you they would still love and support you and your relationship. He couldn’t do that though, couldn’t tell them that they should come out if only a little to people they trusted. They had to come to that decision on their own, they had to take it at their own pace. He knew this but he wished so badly that he could make it easier for them.

It just hurt him to have to see love bottled up like that. To have to see love being suppressed instead of embraced and celebrated. After the scene in the hallway he was more than certain that love was what Niall and Shawn shared and felt for each other. Just the way they looked at each other when they thought no one was watching or how their eyes searched each other’s even when they tried to look another way as if they couldn’t stay away from having that connection. It was love alright.

Harry nudged him slightly “Grimmy, you okay” Nick shook his head to clear it, he had been stuck in his thoughts leaving him uncharacteristically silent. He realized in the middle of shaking his head how it must look like that he wasn’t okay to Harry and grimaced a bit at his own stupidity. “I’m fine Harold” he said to contradict his headshake to which Harry huffed out a small “not my name” under his breath making Nick laugh.

He looked back at the three people in front of them and suddenly didn’t know what to say, a problem he didn’t have often. Should he thank them for a great evening and party when he had thrown it himself? Should he say sorry again for throwing it at all and in the process causing them a lot of inconvenience?

He was saved from having to decide what to say by Willie “great night lads, should do it again sometime.” Nick nodded at that and smiled “anytime” and he really meant it.

He looked over at Shawn and Niall still smiling but the ache to his chest came back and he felt like he had to say something, anything. “You know you can come talk to me anytime about anything and everything.”

Willie looked a bit confused by the statement but all the others seemed to understand what he wanted to say but couldn’t directly without giving their secret away. Shawn gave him a small nod and Niall mouthed _thanks_. What he said though was, “that’s your job though, getting us to spill all our secrets on the radio” he made it into a joke and it worked making Willie laugh before he said something about not talking so much when Nick was close by. It was all good natured of course.

Shawn made a noise in agreement and told Nick he was sure they would see each other again before he knew it which made Nick feel relieved. He would be able to be there if they needed him and they knew that.

Harry looked at Niall then and Niall laughed a little shaking his head slightly before going over and giving Harry a big hug knowing that had been exactly what Harry had wanted. Harry probably wouldn’t have left without it, it was endearing. Harry then hugged both Shawn and Willie as well. Nick gave all three of them one armed hugs and then he and Harry left after good byes and good nights had been exchanged.

Once on the pavement outside Harry looked over at him “what was all that about, what was going on inside that head of yours?” Nick looked back at the house and sighed. “I just wished they didn’t have to hide like that, that it was easier for them you know” Harry nodded at that and clapped him on the shoulder leaving his big warm hand there.

“You’re a good friend Nick” he said smiling and Nick wanted to believe that, that he was doing more good than harm. Harry continued with a small smile on his lips “I’m not worried about them… they’ll be alright, love wins, always”. Harry’s look on life was refreshing, and it made Nick believe too. That it would all be fine.

They went their separate ways not long after that and Nick repeated Harry’s _love wins always_ , over and over in his head as he made his way home.

**SHIALL**

Willie was looking over at them tilting his head and Niall raised an eyebrow in question. Willie just shrugged in response and then turned to Shawn “you’re sleeping at a hotel, or?” 

Shawn’s eyes widened and he looked over at Niall. They hadn’t talked about sleeping arrangements but Niall was sure Shawn had not booked any hotel or at least he hoped not. Niall would not cut their night short if it wasn’t absolutely necessary, he wanted to spend all the time they had left before Shawn needed to head to the airport together.

Preferably alone, he needed to have Shawn in his arms again. Feel his heartbeat, reassure him about that he was treating him just right. He was going to make sure Shawn knew how perfect he was. Perfect as a human being because he had imperfections and quirks which made him exactly who he was, most importantly though he needed to make sure Shawn knew that he was the perfect person for _him_. Shawn was to Niall like Allie was to Noah in The Notebook. He was spending too much time with Harry he thought, making romantic parallels in his head to The Notebook. Or maybe it was just Shawn that brought forward this side of him?

He shook his head blinking back into reality and before Shawn could say anything he rushed to reply, “he’s sleeping here, catching up and all that.” Keeping it sounding causal like just two friends hanging out but still being firm and leaving no question marks about where Shawn would be staying.

To Niall’s relief Shawn just nodded his head and said in the same almost flippant tone that Niall had used “I have to leave in a few hours anyway.” Niall wanted to cry at that but kept a straight face to not draw attention and make his cousin suspicious. He and Shawn would only have a few hours, that was not fair. He had just gotten here really and they hadn’t had time to do or talk much at all. Swallowing and suppressing his emotions he smiled a tightlipped smile. He reminded himself that the fact that Shawn was here at all was a blessing and a few hours was much more than he had thought he would get with his boyfriend only yesterday.

Willie made a motion with his hand in the direction of the living room “you can always crash on the couch or we have a spare bedroom.” Niall almost shook his head at that but stopped himself in the last minute and made a fist with his hand to keep himself from giving anything away. To Willie Shawn was just a friend and that is what friends usually slept when they stayed over. It was just that Shawn wasn’t just a friend and Niall would be damned if Shawn was not going to spend the night in his bed with him. He couldn’t let Willie know that though.

He also didn’t want to lie to his cousin and kept it as vague as he possibly could “thanks Willie we’ll manage.” He liked his cousin, but right now he hoped he would be leaving them alone soon so he and Shawn would be left on their own.

He got an exasperated look from Willie and a little shrug as if saying suit yourselves before saying aloud “sorry for trying to be hospitable.” Niall sighed and looked over at Shawn. He was too tired to keep this conversation going and he did not have any patience left, he _needed_ to be alone with Shawn.

“Shouldn’t you go to sleep now, didn’t you and Deo have something planned tomorrow?” That was not too rude just giving a hint that he should leave him and Shawn alone without saying it directly. Willie laughed at that and said, “I see you want to get rid of me, do ya?” Niall felt relief and let out a breath, Willie didn’t seem to be at all offended or anything by that.

Niall couldn’t really contradict that as it was true he did want Willie to leave, Willie just shook his head at Niall’s silence taking is as the confirmation that it was. “Don’t stay up too late gossiping like teenage girls having a sleepover” he said smirking as he made his way to his room.

Niall smirked back because Willie thought that the only thing they would be doing was gossiping and he hoped, Niall really hoped he and Shawn would do several other things that would be considered way less innocent than a little chit chat in the early hours of the morning.

He made a silly face in Willie’s direction and directed a “shut up you wanker” which Willie just waved away without giving an answer to. Instead he winked at Shawn and said “was great meeting you Shawn.”

Shawn looked a little chocked at being addressed again but replied without hesitation “you too Willie”, and then just like that they were left alone. The click of the door as it closed behind Willie felt really loud in the now eerily silent hallway.

It was like they were just reunited again, it felt like they were back to when they had stood in the hallway facing each other for the first time in weeks mere hours before. As the time since they left each other’s embrace was taken away and that they could start over this time alone. This time being able to do what they wanted to do without being afraid and having to pretend anymore.

Just looking at Shawn was taking his breath away and he could feel himself relaxing. The tension and anticipation of being close but too far away from him for the last few hours melting away as the seconds ticked by.

Niall took a step closer but this time instead of taking a step forward Shawn backed. For every step Niall took forward Shawn took a step backwards and soon enough Shawn was up against the wall. Niall hesitated a foot away from Shawn not knowing what the backing away from him had meant. Shawn swallowed visibly and then almost bashfully he reached out and hooked his fingers in Niall’s beltloops tugging slightly inviting him to approach and mesh their bodies against each other.

Niall giggled a little, having Shawn up against a wall was something akin to a day dream. And then their bodies were pressed together. He pressed a little more than necessary making sure he was as close to Shawn as humanly possible. Shawn was now firmly pressed against the wall and their eyes locked again. Niall could see a spark their but he could also see hesitation in Shawn’s eyes.

Niall was sure the same was reflected in his own eyes, this was new. Good but new, they had kissed and embraced even shared a bed before but they had never done so with the potential of it becoming something more. They had seen each other naked on screen and seen each other touch themselves but they had not even been naked together when in the same room.

Not only had they not done it together before but the whole sex with a bloke thing was still a new concept, something unexplored. Like a world of opportunities, it was like painting a canvas blindfolded not knowing what colour and shape the picture would take before the brush would drag against the untouched landscape. The one thing Niall was certain about was that the picture they would paint would be beautiful, whatever he would experience with Shawn he was sure would be more and better than anything he could have ever imagined.

This was the first time kissing Shawn may lead to something more and it was exciting but also a bit scary. Niall bit his lip and Shawn’s thoughts must have been similar to his because you could see him flush at the mere thought about what they may do together now that they had the chance.

Then they were kissing as if the world was about to end and this was the last time they would be able to be in each other’s arms and feel the others lips against their own. It was somehow even better than the last time, every time kissing Shawn felt better than the last. Every time felt new and exciting. It was like listening to a new song, which you had been anticipating and looked forward to forever, for the first time over and over again. Niall hoped the feeling would never go away and that in a year, hell ten year from now, the feeling when kissing Shawn would still be the same.

Shawn tasted a little bit like beer and the combination of that together with the taste that could only be described as Shawn was making Niall’s head a bit foggy. He bit down a bit on Shawn’s bottom lip and Shawn moaned in response to that.

After a while Shawn’s legs were making their way up around his waist and okay that was different. Their crotches came closer together and wait when had he gotten hard? The sensation of their members meeting was almost too much and Niall tilted his head back and gave out a small noise of arousal.

It was different with Shawn than with a girl, not only because the contact between their middle areas was a whole other kind of sensation but also the fact that he was taller than the girls he had been with. Shawn also weighed a lot more and had more muscles than the average girl had which made the balance a bit different than when he was holding up a girl.

He loved this position, loved having Shawn in his arms and being the one holding him up and Shawn giving up control. However, he was unsure how long he would be able to hold him up even with the wall for support. Niall looked around, when he tilted his head to the side Shawn went down and licked his neck making him almost drop him which spurred Shawn into chuckling and he started to nuzzle his neck instead.

There was a chest of drawers closer to the entrance just a few feet away and Niall took a more secure grip of Shawn holding on to one of his thighs and the other hand he placed on one of his arse cheeks, Shawn drew in a breath at that and Niall smiled. He knew he could not hold him up forever but he had never held anyone like this and having them fit against his body as well as Shawn did “hold on tight” he said and Shawn tightened his legs around Niall’s waist.

He stumbled a little taking his first small step and Shawn raised an eyebrow as in challenging him and saying he couldn’t do it making Niall even more determined, he strode the small distance to the furniture just inside of the entrance door. Once there he miscalculated a little and sat Shawn down a little hastily and in the process he knocked over a lamp which tumbled down and made impact with the floor.

Both Niall and Shawn were silent and the noise the lamp had made seemed like it echoed in the hallway for several seconds even after the crash. Niall grimaced because he didn’t want Shawn to think he was this clumsy even if he kind of was. Then he looked up and Shawn was biting his lip and Niall looked from Shawn’s flushed face to the lamp that was now on the floor and he started to laugh. His eyes met Shawn’s and then they were both laughing, hard. It felt like all the air and sexual tension they had built up were coming out and he laughed almost until the point of crying.

He must have closed his eyes or looked up when he laughed and taken away his eyes from Shawn because suddenly the melody of their almost harmonized laughter was broken and now only his laugh still vibrated between the walls in the hallway.

Looking up his own laugh dissipated as well when he saw the expression on Shawn’s face, he looked a little wide-eyed and almost scared as if something had spoked him. His eyes darted over Niall’s shoulder and down the hall as if a ghost would appear.

“What’s the matter, Shawn you okay?” Shawn swallowed visibly and shook his head but then he looked down as if ashamed and he closed his eyes tight as if bracing himself or gathering courage. When he looked up again he tried to smile but he was still looking over Niall’s shoulder in trepidation.

Niall frowned, something was clearly bothering him and he had no idea what it could be. Niall was still standing between Shawn’s legs and he leaned in and gave Shawn an embrace, nothing more than that just telling him he was there and hoping it would reassure Shawn that it was okay.

Shawn hugged him back and when Niall drew back he sighed and looked one last time down the hall. “Willie, he could have heard us” and Niall nodded in understanding of course Shawn would be concerned because of that. He was sad for him, that he would be so afraid of being caught, he hated the look Shawn was sporting. Shawn was starting to try to make his way off the chest of drawers and Niall shook his head frantically realizing Shawn thought his nod had been a confirmation that Willie could show up any minute now.

“No, no, don’t worry Willie sleeps with earplugs” he rushed to say and Shawn relaxed and then a guilty look came over him. Niall sighed, this would be trickier than he had though. To keep this a secret. His priority would be to reassure Shawn though, that they were in this together and his feelings and worries was as important as his own and that he didn’t have to apologize for them.

“Sorry” Niall closed his eyes and shook his head. One part of him just wanted to put his hands on Shawn’s shoulders and shake him as if that would communicate all what he wanted no needed him to know. He knew he would have to talk to Shawn and explain everything the other boy had misunderstood and to make all those insecurities dissipate.

Doing that here with Shawn sitting on the dresser in the hallway was not the time though. And really them relocating was not such a bad idea even if Willie showing his ugly mug outside of his room before morning was very unlikely.

So instead of answering Shawn or berating him for apologizing he tilted his head down the hall “maybe we should…” he had first thought of suggesting going to the bedroom but trailed off thinking better of it not wanting to put pressure on them and if he was going to talk some sense into Shawn it was better doing it somewhere else. “Uh maybe it will be more comfortable on the couch?”

Shawn nodded and then smirked seemingly having put the slightly awkward and tense moment behind him. He then stretched out his arms like small children often did when they wanted to be picked up and Niall couldn’t help but huff and laugh at how redicilous and adorable Shawn was behaving.

There was no chance that he would be able to carry Shawn all the way to the living room though, he had barely made it a few feet. Shawn most certainly knew this and just wanted him to admit it so he could tease him for it, wanker. “If you don’t want us or any other furniture for that matter to meet the same fate as that lamp you better walk” he said with a raised eyebrow and then they were laughing again.

Niall was surprised as just a few moments later he found himself being lifted of the floor “hey” he protested as Shawn now had him secure in his arms instead. Shawn just grinned at him cheekily and carried him towards the living room without any problems at all it seemed.

Niall cursed a little just for good measure but soon relaxed in Shawn’s arms. He would never admit it but it was rather nice and having Shawn carry him with such ease was a really big turn on. He could literally fell his arm muscles working and he swallowed feeling the arousal from earlier coming back with a vengeance.

He looked up at Shawn and he had a knowing look on his face and that by now familiar blush. How Niall seemed to always make the other boy turn pink was also making Niall excited for some reason.

He blinked when he suddenly was lowered onto the couch Shawn following and covering his body with his own and every thought disappeared. He loved being in control but having Shawn being confident and taking what he wanted from him was also really hot. Almost any scenario he could imagine he wanted to try with Shawn.

He felt a hand travel up his side and shivered letting his body relax more and feeling himself melt between the soft sofa cushions and the warm weight of Shawn above him. His own hands went to Shawn’s backside just to feel the weight of his globes fill his hands, to his delight they fit there perfectly. Shawn made a noise of appreciation which made Niall smile before he trailed his hands up slightly and slipped his fingers under the hem of Shawn’s shirt caressing the small of his back, needing the skin against skin contact.

They were looking at each other as they touched and Niall was unsure how he was still breathing as his body was assaulted with all the sensations and emotions all at once. Shawn was the most beautiful sight, his hair all ruffled and his lips so red and wet from their earlier activities. The thoughts he had had before of really ruining him and then putting him back together again made its way to the forefront of his mind.

Shawn brought down his head and Niall thought he would bring his lips down onto his but the kiss never came instead he licked up the side of his face to his ear. He nipped at it a little before whispering “maybe you should call Mark?” Niall furrowed his brows, before he could even mutter a what, Shawn chuckled softly and continued “to work on your strength.” Mark, his friend and trainer. Shawn lifted his head again just as Niall huffed and drew his face up into a grimace.

Shawn let out a snort and then he smiled fondly down at Niall. No one had ever looked at Niall like Shawn was looking at him at the moment and Niall felt a lump form in his throat, the look Shawn was giving him could not be anything else then love, and he was sure the emotion was reflected in his own eyes.

“I was kidding” Shawn said then and before Niall knew it his shirt had been taken off and Shawn placed small kisses _everywhere._ His forehead, cheeks, throat, collarbones, Niall was unable to do anything else that just lay there and feel and wonder what he had done to deserve someone as wonderful as Shawn. How had he been so lucky?

After what felt like a million small kisses later Shawna’s lips once again descended on his own. He closed his eyes and let his breath be taken away, when Shawn’s lips left his again he unconsciously let his tongue run over his own lips to savor the taste of his boyfriend, he could never get enough.

“Niall” as he heard Shawn saying his name, voice breathless and so sexy, he opened his eyes and looked up into Shawn’s. Shawn was still very close to him, his face hovering only an inch or so over his own.

“I hope you know” he said now when Niall was looking at him, “that I love your body” after that statement he kissed Niall’s nose. Niall scrunched his nose at that and Shawn smiled “the hard parts” Shawn brought one hand up to his cheek and caressed his cheekbone. “The soft parts” the hand wandered back down to his side. Niall couldn’t help but blush a little because he could tell that Shawn really meant every word.

He really loved Niall’s body just the way it was, even if he would never have the muscles Shawn or Liam had, even if he would never be named capital sexiest or have science determine his facial features being the most handsome and most desirable like Harry’s. That didn’t matter though to Shawn to him he was perfect as he was and Shawn loved him and found him sexy.

He felt how his eyes was close to become teary and he was unable to say anything in response as he was choking on the emotion Shawn’s words were inflicting on him. Shawn seemed to understand though and just smiled as he pecked him lightly on the lips before going downwards.

“And I want to show you, want to cherish every part of you” he said before he started kissing down Niall’s heaving chest. When had his breathing become so elaborated?

Shawn had maybe even unknowingly touched Niall to the core. He had often felt a bit inadequate and especially surrounded by gorgeous and insanely fit individuals. This often making his question himself and of he was desirable and if he was good enough for people like Shawn. By just looking at and uttering a few words followed by simple caresses Shawn had now forever silenced those insecurities. Niall would be forever grateful and he didn’t know how to express himself to be able to convey the amount of love he felt for Shawn. The emotion so strong it was taking over his whole being.

As Shawn reached the waistband of his trousers Niall suddenly remembered something and found his voice again. “Wait” he stuttered his voice raspy and full of emotion “we need to talk.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Just wanted to say that I have not given up on this, if you are still reading thank you for being patient with me. I still have quite a lot planned for this story actually (: This was a fairly long chapter so I hope that makes up for the long wait? 
> 
> Also sorry for a lot of build up but no actual smut in here + cliffhanger. Because of the cliffhanger I promise to really try to post the next chapter within a week. So look out for that! Have a great week everyone ❤


	19. We Need to Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is a bit of a misunderstanding and a lot of emotions, they finally talk.  
> In other words, they are both being ridiculous idiots.

**Chapter 19: We Need to Talk**

At first he had not even really registered that Niall was saying something or what he was saying. He was resolved in making Niall feel the best to his ability, determined to please Niall in every way possible. Having his mind set on the goal of pleasing Niall had made his normally very present nerves dissipate and he had just acted on instinct rather than thoughts and emotions. It had seemed to work, up until that point at least.

With a few seconds delay the words did penetrate Shawn’s conscious and he froze as Niall’s voice stuttering out those four broken but firm words from above made themselves known loud and clear in his mind. It felt like the world had stopped rotating and with every passing second his heart beats were becoming louder and louder inside his head together with the words that had just left his boyfriend’s mouth.

 _We need to talk_ , _we need to talk, we need to talk_ was echoing so loud in his head. The skin under his fingers of Niall’s lower stomach had been hot just a few seconds before but now the touch felt cold. Everything had now become cold and distant.

He withdrew his fingers from the body under him but he did not look up, he couldn’t look up, afraid of what he would see. Would Niall look at him with pity, would he just look sad or resigned. Shawn could not meet his eyes he was afraid that if he did he would break down.

 _We need to talk,_ what did that even mean? Shawn shook his head, it was rather obvious after all. He couldn’t even be angry or hold it against Niall.

He had seen it coming even if he thought what they had was special he had known that Niall would see someday that he deserved better than Shawn could give him. He had just hoped that the someday would be a lot longer into the future. To delay the inevitable reality, that now seemed to have caught up to him. Niall deserved to have someone where he didn’t need to lower his standards, someone with which he could be free to be who he wanted to be. He deserved someone that could treat him how Shawn wanted to but was unable to do. He deserved someone better than Shawn.

Those words, _we need to talk,_ never meant anything good. Maybe he had been watching too much TV but those words often meant that the night would end with a break up or that someone had other bad relationship news to share. Now it seemed that Niall had had enough, the last day had been the droplet that made the glass overflow, made the scale tip, made the… “Shawn” his thoughts were interrupted by Niall’s voice now more collected than before. A hand had also laid itself on his shoulder, not squeezing just being there reminding him of the presence of the other boy and that he had to face him and endure the upcoming talk.

The cold he had felt since Niall had shattered his world with _those_ words was now replaced by an intense heat on his shoulder as if that hand represented that he could have the pressure of the whole world on his shoulders. The pressure that would really dawn on him if someone caught them and the news of their relationship spread like wildfire, the pressure that would then grow unbearable and suffocate him. He couldn’t bear the weight of that pressure or even the thought of that pressure descending upon him. 

His fear of that pressure was now destroying his happiness, his everything. If Niall left and walked out of his life he would leave nothing behind, Shawn would be left only a shell of the version of himself that he was when with Niall. Niall would take everything with him including a big chunk of his heart. Leaving an irreparable black hole in his chest behind.

He choked on his own emotions and closed his eyes, he would not cry. He still couldn’t look up at Niall, it was all too much, the hand and the soft-spoken caress of his name as if the rug had not just been drawn from under his feet. He couldn’t take it “please… don’t” he whispered and then shrugged the hand off his shoulder. He shook his head and then he made his way down Niall’s legs and sat at the corner of the couch.

He drew up his knees to his chest and put his head between them and buried his hands in his own hair. Trying to tune out the rest of the world if only for a few seconds. He started to shake not being able to hold it all in, the fear of rejection, of losing something that had become an integral part of him, maybe even the most essential. He was not sure anymore who he was without Niall by his side.

He could feel a sob rising from within his chest and settling down as a lump in his throat, threatening to burst out at any given moment. If Niall was leaving him he almost wished he would just leave without saying anything at all. Without him even noticing he had started to mutter broken and defeated words under his breath. He was not sobbing but he had not been able to stop the silent tears from leaving the corners of his eyes, his cheeks becoming wet without his knowledge and without his consent.

**SHIALL**

Niall was beside himself, what had he done? Shawn had drawn in on himself and was having a breakdown in front of him. Normally he would have drawn Shawn to his chest and just hugged him tight but when he had laid a hand on his shoulder he had shrugged it off and it had only escalated the breakdown. Niall didn’t know what to do, but he knew he had to fix this.

How had they gone from passionately snogging each other’s faces off and going in the direction of more, to this. He had known Shawn was insecure, known he had been emotionally distraught over everything. That was why they needed to talk. But he had had no idea that he had been on the verge of a breakdown. If he had known he would maybe have been able to avoid this, maybe been able to have prevented the onslaught of angst and distress you could see were running through Shawn at the moment. He wanted nothing more to take his pain away, seeing him like this made Niall feel miserable himself. They said your emotions reflected the emotions of the one you loved.

He loved Shawn with his whole being, every molecule of his body and seeing him like this made his own body scream and his heart ache.

Then there were a few broken sounds coming from the boy curled up into a ball at his feet, at first he couldn’t make out any words just broken noises but after a while the syllables started to form coherent words “I…I’m, I’m sorry” and Niall shook his head. He really needed to make Shawn see that he had nothing to be sorry about, _nothing._

“Please don’t… don’t, don’t leave me” and Niall drew in a breath. “What” he let slip out, what had he done wrong to make Shawn believe he would ever leave him?

For the first time since he had interrupted Shawn in his ministrations he looked up at him. His eyes were red rimmed and his cheeks were wet, a tear was even rolling down one of his cheeks as they made eye contact. Niall’s heart was breaking.

Shawn looked away again not being able to look at him as he spoke and his voice wavering with emotion “don’t, please… don’t break up with me?” Niall felt an onslaught of emotions hitting him all at once. He felt distraught and horrified at the mere notion of Shawn even having that thought in his head. Mostly he felt saddened that Shawn was so insecure and that he didn’t believe he was good enough for Niall.

Shawn had looked up at him after a few seconds, Niall had been stunned into silence, it seemed like Shawn was taking his loss of response as confirmation of his fears. His shoulders sunk and he looked defeated as if he had given up and was just waiting on his sentence, on his conviction.

Niall shook his head to clear it, he needed to make this right he needed to do what he had set out to do, what they had needed to do for a while now. Talk.

“I _love_ you Shawn and I would never…” he started but trailed off not really knowing how to best make Shawn understand and see what he saw, that they were perfect for each other. Especially that Shawn was perfect for him. “We belong together” he said simply which was not at all enough to express everything he wanted and needed Shawn to hear him say right now.

This time Shawn did let out a sob which teared through Niall like a lightning bolt and leaving him feeling split in two. “Sometimes love just isn’t enough” came from the boy that was now sobbing and looking at his own feet.

Niall swallowed and was about to disagree and try to reassure his boyfriend again but instead thought of trying another approach.

“Why would you think I would ever want to break up with you?” he felt like pointing out how stupid it was because he would rather die than voluntary walk away from Shawn. He understood though that this was a real fear and emotion Shawn was having and saying he was a fool for feeling it would only make things worse.

Shawn didn’t look up as he said “I’m, you deserve” but then he shook his head as if the feelings and emotions were too much and started over. “You said, we need to talk” was the only explanation he gave instead and Niall blinked in confusion.

He frowned looking at Shawn contemplatively for a few tense seconds, the room was totally silent except for a few broken sobs. Then it dawned on him, he wanted to slap himself, how could he have been so stupid and just blurted out words that most people associated with bad news. God, he was such a bloody idiot. He let out a breath though relived in knowing it was just one big misunderstanding.

“Fuck” he said and then he moved on the couch so that he could sit beside Shawn. He needed him to understand and he needed him to see the emotions in his eyes as he spoke and not just hear what Niall had to say.

He gently put one of his hands under his chin and coxed Shawn to look at him “please look at me” it was apparent that Shawn wanted to look away but he let Niall hold his chin and his eyes glazed over from the tears were now looking straight back at him. The sadness, helpless desperation and despair reflected in them almost made Niall lose his thread of thought and look away himself.

He took a deep breath, “I simply, what I meant when I said that we needed to talk was literally that we needed to talk” Shawn just looked at him not seeing Niall’s point and Niall sighed he was bad at this, he had already put his foot in his mouth tonight and he needed to say the right things this time. “Needed to talk, not necessarily about something bad, just talk no innuendo”

Niall knew he needed to elaborate. He had after all stopped Shawn from going down on him, stopped Shawn just for them to talk so it had to be about something important and it was. It was about something important. He was concerned about Shawn and they needed to have this talk.

“We haven’t really had a real long serious conversation since we got together because I had to leave the morning after. If I had let ya keep going, as nice as it was and as much as I was enjoying it, I know that we would probably get lost in passion and that our love would consume us.” He shook his head just thinking about them being intimate made him get off track and his heart rate speed up, he needed to focus to get out what he needed to say. “You are leaving in a few hours and I need to tell you, face to face” he let out a breath hoping Shawn would see and understand what his intentions had been.

Shawn was no longer crying which made Niall feel better. He still had a lot to say and it would be easier to do so if his heart didn’t ache with every beat because his lover was falling apart in front of him.

“What, what did you need to tell me?” Shawn asked tentatively. Niall looked straight into Shawn’s eyes. “I saw something in your eyes and I heard it in your voice when we sang together. I need you to know that you are enough, worthy and that you are treating me better than I could even dream of.” Shawn was starting to shake his head but Niall didn’t let him process or say anything in retaliation before he continued.

“You silenced and made me overcome my insecurities tonight, you made me know that my body and appearance is enough for you. You made me feel sexy tonight, beautiful even, you did that.”

Shawn smiled for the first time since he had broken down and it made Niall feel such a relief and as if he was put back together knowing that the Shawn he knew and loved was coming back to him.

“You are sexy, and beautiful” he said and then the normal glint was back in his eyes. Niall was still having his hand on Shawn’s jaw and suddenly he felt a tongue lick one of his fingers. “so sexy.”

Niall couldn’t help but giggle a little, as the action had been so unexpected, he drew his hand away, “don’t distract me” he said and wacked Shawn playfully on the back of his head. His eyes were still red rimmed but the life that had seemed to seep out of them as he thought Niall was leaving him had returned. Niall felt a surge of happiness fill his heart and his spirit return.

“Exactly, I needed to silence your insecurities and make you see that you are everything I could ever ask for and need. I couldn’t let you leave without telling you, I couldn’t let you leave knowing you would be insecure about your own worth and how you are treating me. You have nothing to be sorry about, nothing to feel guilty about…” he was interrupted by laughter and he blinked and his mouth hung slightly open in surprise.

It was weird seeing Shawn laugh as only a little while ago he had been a mess, ruined, defeated and now laughter was spilling out from between those beautiful lips.

The laughter was loud but welcome “sorry” Shawn got out between his laughter, which made Niall crack up too. Niall has just told Shawn undoubtedly that he had nothing to feel sorry for and the first thing the bloke said afterwards was _sorry_. He knew that the sorry this time though was not because of how he was as a person, as a boyfriend, but because he had started to laugh while Niall was still talking. Which made Niall amused instead of concerned.

“Man, you wanted to talk because you wanted to reassure me and because you care to a default and I, I’m such an idiot” Shawn exclaimed when his laughter had started to die down a little.

When Shawn laughed Niall looked on with a fond smile while shaking his head and muttering under his breath “we’re both idiots, idiots in love.” Niall couldn’t help but grin a little at that thought, he was okay with being an idiot as long as it was caused by love and especially by his love for Shawn.

All the different emotions must have gotten too much for him, he was glad they spilled over in laughter this time instead of resulting in more tears.

He still felt like there were more things that he needed to say, he thought that he had been clear when they had skyped before and he told Shawn they were a unit and he would wait for him. Clearly Shawn had not understood to what degree Niall was in it with him though because if he had he would not have doubted and degraded his self-worth.

“You are the best boyfriend ever, I hope you know that” once again it looked like Shawn would protest but Niall just put a hand over his month and smirked. “You took a plane and flew a bloody ten hour detour just to be able to be in me arms again, ya know how ridiculous that is?” Shawn’s ears became red and then an adorable flush spread over his face making his cheeks a brilliant pink. Niall smiled fondly at him and moved his hand from over his mouth to cup his cheek instead.

“Ridiculous, ridiculously sweet and ridiculously romantic” Shawn bit his lip and diverted his eyes almost as if embarrassed. Niall just shook his head and leaned in to kiss that look away. “You are the best boyfriend ever” he repeated.

Shawn nodded and leaned into Niall’s hand almost as if he conceded defeat. “I’m still sorry though” he looked down again as if ashamed and guilty once more which was something that Niall would not tolerate. Niall decided then and there that he would not stop telling Shawn what he needed to hear until he didn’t feel sorry or guilty for his own feelings. ”I wish I didn’t feel afraid” he mumbled.

Niall sighed this was hard, the situation was hard but they would make it through together he knew that much. And they were stronger together, they just had to learn how to lean on each other. “Your feelings are as valid as mine, never feel guilty for having them” he started and Shawn looked up and swallowed.

Niall laid down on the couch again and made Shawn follow him so that he was laying in his arms where he belonged. Shawn’s head was tucked under his chin and Niall had one of his hands running though his hair. He smiled as he felt Shawn’s breath against his sternum. He chuckled lightly at the sight of Shawn’s feet sticking out over the end of the couch. It was perfect he could stay like this forever.

“I’m making it harder though, harder for us, harder for you” Shawn said quietly sounding resigned. Niall kept stroking his hair and hummed a little thinking of what to say to that. “Is it hard to pretend? Hell yes” he felt Shawn stiffen a little as if he was still afraid that Niall would just change his mind and up and leave. “You know something else that would be hard? telling people, coming out, that’s also hard” which was true he realized there was no easy road ahead of them, no short cut they could take. They just had to take one step at a time.

He would be honest with Shawn even if it was scary, the truth was not always what you needed or wanted to hear. “If, when we someday go public that will probably be so much harder even than pretending, at least to begin with. It will be hard but worth it, but only when we are ready to go through that, together.”

Shawn had relaxed again and now had his head nuzzled in his neck breathing deeply as if Niall’s sent was relaxing him and making him feel okay again, as if his sent made him grounded and at home. Niall felt so content with Shawn in his arms with his weight on his chest and just wanted to hold on to the moment forever, hold on to Shawn forever.

“You know how I told ya that we were in this together” Shawn just nodded against his neck and Niall tightened the arm around him a little “well I meant it, I don’t want to go anywhere where you are not comfortable following.”

Shawn lifted his head and looked at him then “I’m not the best boyfriend” and Niall was about to sigh and keep trying but then he saw the blooming smile on Shawn’s face, it reached his eyes and made him glow and Niall couldn’t help but smile back. That was not a sad smile, not an expression someone that felt guilty or sorry displayed. That was a smile of someone that was happy, there was also a teasing to that smile. Niall couldn’t take his eyes away. “You are” Shawn said with a raise of one eyebrow as if challenging Niall to argue with him.  

Niall laughed, they were both ridiculous idiots. If thinking they would argue about who was the best boyfriend you would be absolutely right, this was something he would not surrender on.

“No way, the Mr. boyfriend of the year award would definitely go to you” he said chuckling and giving Shawn a challenging lock in return.

Shawn just shook his head “not true, you are miles ahead of me” Shawn said, it was more teasing than anything else. They were bickering over who was the best and not for themselves but for each other. That was something old couples did. That was what people that loved each other unconditionally did. Niall laughed and felt his chest swell with the love and pride he felt.

They kept up the light-hearted arguing for several minutes before Shawn sighed dramatically before exclaiming “it’s obvious that we’ll never settle this dispute” Niall couldn’t help but laugh as he nodded his head, at least they could agree on that. “What if we just settle at that you’re the best boyfriend for _me_ and I’m the best boyfriend for _you,_ deal _?_ ” Niall didn’t hesitate with responding “deal” and lifting his arm and offering his hand as if he wanted to shake on it.

Shawn accepted his hand and they both burst out laughing at how ridiculous they both were. But they were ridiculous together and because of that they just loved each other so bloody much, Niall wouldn’t want it any other way.

When their laughter settled down they fell into a comfortable silence just enjoying the closeness and their bodies against each other. Enjoying the moment and how right it felt. When you didn’t have the time you wish that you had you learned to appreciate the time you did have and treasure every second as if it would be your last.

They were breathing in synch and their bodies were raising and falling as one on the coach. Niall realized that this right here was maybe even more intimate then even being connected and close in a more passionate way. This right here was a connection, more than just a physical one. Just being one with Shawn and feeling as if you belonged together on such a basic level. If Niall ever only had this he would be happy, Shawn being content and close to him in any way was everything he would ever need.

He could not tell how much time that had passed and had almost started to drift off to sleep when Shawn’s voice startled him. His voice was coming out in a soft murmur and his breath was tickling his skin with every word leaving his mouth.

“There is one thing I’m even more afraid off than anything else, to one day not have this to one day lose this, to lose you” Niall swallowed and looked down at the other boy that laid securely in his arms. He bent his head down and kissed his hair before answering “you’ll never lose me, ever.”

He would never let that happen. The truth was that Niall was just as scared to lose Shawn as Shawn was to lose him. Love made you vulnerable, but that was not necessary a bad thing. To give away a piece of your own heart and to receive a piece of someone else’s in return, great responsibility but also great honor.

Niall nudged Shawn until he looked up at him “I need you to promise me something” at Shawn’s nod he continued “please never bottle your emotions up like this, ya can always talk to me. Please let me in, let me be here for ya.” Shawn nodded again and it looked like he would just burrow his head back down on Niall’s chest but then he looked up again and looked deep into Niall’s eyes instead.

“You have to promise too, if it gets too much” Shawn didn’t have to say what he meant, that if Niall couldn’t keep on waiting and pretending. Their eyes stayed locked on each other and without blinking Niall said with conviction “promise” Shawn smiled and responded in kind “promise.” This had been important, they had just made a promise to each other that they would confide in each other and that they would always be there for the other, no secrets.

After that they just talked about everything and nothing at all, they covered basic facts like family and the like so that they would not be surprised again like Shawn had been when he had found himself face to face with Willie.

They had even asked each other small trivial things, Niall had pointed out that Shawn could find the answers to most of those questions on the internet. He remembered all the interviews he had done with the band and how he had answered questions about favourite superpower so many times he had lost count along the way.

Shawn had laughed and said he was not about to stalk some directioners but there was a little glint in his eyes making Niall wonder if he maybe already had. He never asked though afraid to know the answer and instead just remarked that sometimes he thought some of them even knew him better than he knew himself.

They continued to just ask random questions and enjoying being together for a while until Niall remembered something he had wanted to ask ever since last night at the party.

“Hey love what did Harry say to you? you have to tell me” Shawn had blushed so prettily and he was dying to know what the other lad had said to make his boyfriend turn such a pretty shade of red.

“What, when?” Shawn said biting his lip, Niall suspected that Shawn knew exactly what he was asking but was trying to stall and get out of answering by playing dumb. Niall would humor him after all it was an opportunity to tease him as well.

“When you first met, you hugged and he whispered something in your ear making you turn an interesting shade of red” he chuckled in delight as just the mention of the interaction made Shawn blush again. He couldn’t help but say “exactly like that” which made Shawn look up at him and glare making Niall laugh and Shawn soon joined in.

“Well Harry, he said his guest bedroom was always open for us to well, um… use” Niall laughed even harder at that because yeah that sounded like something Harry would say and he probably meant it to but never actually thought they would take him up on the offer.

Smirking at Shawn he nodded his head and simply stated “we should sometime” Shawn just gaped which made Niall laugh again. Shawn shook his head as if though he thought he had misheard or misunderstood Niall “excuse me, what?”

“We should use his guest bedroom, like when we are out and if he throws a party we can just tell him we are going to go use his guest bedroom like we would the loo, casual like that. Just to see his reaction will be worth it, oh man it will be great” he grinned but Shawn just stared shaking his head.

“You are both crazy” he said not saying anything about Niall’s plan which made him feel the desire to pout. But knowing Harry he would probably just raise an eyebrow and laugh at them and wave as it was a totally normal thing to do to encourage your friends to have sex in your guest bedroom.

Instead he just looked fondly at Shawn and smirked again before stating “you love my crazy” and Shawn unable to contradict that groaned and buried his face against Niall’s skin again. Niall just laughed a bit more and for the umpteenth time felt so much gratitude that he and Shawn had found each other.

After that it didn’t take long before Shawn’s breath evened out and he had fallen asleep laying sprayed out on Niall’s chest. Niall smiled fondly, the bloke was perfect from his ruffled hair to the feet sticking out over the end of the couch. Niall was the lucky one in this relationship and Shawn could argue all he wanted, on that nothing could change Niall’s mind.

When Niall fell into a slumber it was with a smile adorning his face. He had his boy in his arms again after so long, even if it only was for tonight.


	20. Leatsa Go Síoraí

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shawn has to leave for the Philippines. Niall gives him a small but meaningful present.

**Chapter 20: Leatsa Go Síoraí**

When Shawn opened his eyes the next morning it was to sunshine shining in through the gap between the curtains framing the windows in the living room. He blinked slowly trying to remember where he was and why he was laying on something warm that was moving slightly up and down under his head and his naked chest.

He tried bringing one of his hands up to shield his face from the light but it was held in a tight grip by another hand. Then he remembered the day before, he wanted to smile, groan and just burrow his head in embarrassment all at once. He ended up doing two of those things smiling slightly while burrowing his face in the chest under him. He suppressed a giggle as the chest hair he was met with tickled his nose.

He could feel a slight blush rise on his cheeks but he was just too happy to care or to let his slight embarrassment overshadow the feeling of joy that was enveloping him just because he was able to relax and enjoy time in Niall’s arms. He couldn’t believe how he had almost thought he would never have this again yesterday, that Niall didn’t want this anymore.

He guessed that love could do that, the fear of losing what you wanted the most could make you overwhelmed and lose control. Could make you act irrational and out of character. Shawn was still apprehensive and still thought that Niall did deserve better than what he was able to give him at the moment. He wouldn’t argue the fact anymore though, Niall said he was fine with how things were and that he wanted, needed nothing else from Shawn then he could give him. He would stop questioning it, he would trust Niall and let him tell him if that ever changed.

He drew in a breath relishing in the moment of being surrounded by Niall, his sent, his warmth, his skin against Shawn’s. He wished he could just forget everything and just close his eyes and lay there forever, that they could just disappear together and there would be no consequences or repercussions.

That was not happening though and he knew it was just a distant fantasy, reality was that soon he would have to leave and then he didn’t know when he would be able to see Niall again. Maybe he would be able to see him on tour? Maybe he would be able to come and visit in Canada before that? Maybe they would see each other at the same event under or leading up to or around the upcoming summer? The only thing he knew for sure was that there were a lot of maybes and that whatever maybe that would be, would be too far from now.

If the next time they would see each other would be a week from now it would be too damn long. Everything was too damn long, longing for Shawn by his side and them having to leave each other behind over and over again felt like dying a little inside.

He had thought the first time would be the worst, but he realized he had been wrong as he was preparing himself for leaving the safety of Niall’s arms and not knowing when he would be able to return. He started to see that it would only get worse, the more time they spent together the closer and in tune with each other they would get and the harder it would be to be separated.

He felt himself getting emotional again as if his breakdown last night had not left his system dried out enough, he felt tears coming back to the surface. He couldn’t help but smile as well though because being this emotional, feeling so much, was only a sign of how much he loved, a sign of exactly how strongly he felt for the man underneath him.

He nodded his head against the warm chest making a promise to himself as well as Niall, he promised that someday they would have this all the time that someday they would not have to be separated more than they were together. Someday this would just be a memory of stolen moments and kisses as they counted the days to next time. A memory of how they had survived the time apart and became stronger for it. He longed for that day.

Then there was a hand in his hair and Shawn looked up meeting a sleepy but happy Niall. He looked down at Shawn with such adoration and love, Shawn could see it in his eyes. Once again he wondered what he had done to deserve this guy, this wonderful man. This wonderful man that he could call his own if only in his head and when they were alone.

If there had been any doubt last night that what Niall had said was not the truth there was no doubt left now, emotion pouring out like that from someone could not lie. It was as clear if not more so than if Niall would have shouted it from the rooftops or sang it in a song. The saying that a look said more than a thousand words had never rung so true to Shawn before as it did now as he looked into Niall’s sincere eyes and smiling face.

The sun was shining down on his face, making it glow as if he was embedded in gold. To Shawn he was worth more than gold, his value was worth more than anyone could put a number on, more than could be put into words.

As he blinked he felt the tear he had felt coming slide down his cheek. He could however not say if it was out of sorrow or out of relief and happiness. Maybe it was a bit of both, he was reassured that he would always have Niall, that Niall would never leave him but at the same time he could not stay here with him forever and it was making his heart feel heavy.

Niall’s beautiful face went from blissful to frowning, Shawn wished he could make him go back to look content and wipe away that frown. He knew the frown and concern was for him and he wished Niall didn’t need to feel like that. Although the knowledge that Niall would always care and feel worried whenever he thought Shawn was not happy was making a warmth spread through him.

“Hey love, what’s the matter?” Niall said so very gently but with his voice a bit gruff as his it was still a bit rough from being asleep only minutes ago. It was sexy, Shawn couldn’t help but shiver a little. Shawn felt the hand in his hair move to his cheek and a thumb swept away the tear. 

Shawn smiled through his emotions to reassure Niall and also because it was impossible not to. He sighed and kissed Niall on his chest. “I just…” He trailed of not knowing how to put every emotion he was feeling into words. He took a deep breath and started over “I just love you so much” Niall smiled and nodded his head but didn’t say anything in response as if he knew Shawn had more to say.

“I wish I could stay” Niall moved his arms then and made Shawn move up his body so he was now laying with his face burrowed against the side of Niall’s neck instead of against Niall’s chest and Niall enveloped him in a very tight embrace. His body was so warm, his sent so comforting, the feeling of his heart beating against his own, it was everything he needed to relax. Laying in Niall’s arms was like coming home. Shawn felt all the stress leave his body, Niall always had that effect on him, made him feel like everything would be okay whatever happened. “I know” was all Niall said, the _I wish you didn’t have to leave_ was something silently spoken, something he didn’t need to utter to be understood.

They stayed like that for several minutes just being together as long as they still could. They had talked the night before so no words needed to be spoken. What they needed were to feel each other’s presence to just be close.

Niall was the one that broke the silence “when do you need to leave?” It sounded to Shawn as the words were forced out as if he didn’t want to ask but had made himself to urge them to leave their little bubble and face reality knowing it was time.

Shawn blinked remembering the sun waking him up and shining on Niall’s face. When did the sun rise in England in March? His eyes widened and he left Niall’s arms scrambling to a sitting position. He looked around and saw his phone on the floor beside the leg of the couch, where it must have fallen last night.

He fetched it and rushed to unlock it, 0913, he had changed his code to Niall’s birthdate. A bit cheesy maybe but as he could not have a picture of his boyfriend he would hold on to what he could have.

“Fuck” he said as he saw the time, 7:35 am, stare back at him “I have to leave in 15 minutes” and the lump was back in his throat. He looked at Niall and he saw the desperation and sadness he felt reflected in his eyes.

Niall shook his head and it looked like he suddenly remembered something. “We’ll pack ya something for the road then, get dressed I’ll be back soon” he rushed out in one breath. Before Shawn could ask where he was going, or doing for that matter, he had already jumped up from the coach and left the room. Shawn blinked and just looked at the entrance to the living room where Niall had retreated moments before.

He sat there for seconds, maybe minutes he wasn’t entirely sure, until he heard footsteps. Willie was now stumbling into the room.

Willie’s hair was all over the place and he was walking as if he was drunk, he was not a morning person it seemed. Shawn would have laughed at the sight but didn’t as he was hit with the realization that if it had been just a few minutes earlier Willie would have been greeted by the sight of Shawn and Niall entwined in a tight embrace on the couch. There would have been no doubt about the nature of their relationship.

Shawn shook his head, he hated how he tensed up just at the thought. They hadn’t been caught, it was fine. He knew Niall was okay with it but he so wished he was better for him and didn’t feel like this. He promised himself that even if he was going to be careful he wouldn’t let his fears dictate everything. If they got caught he would deal with it then, it wouldn’t be the end of the world, it wouldn’t. Maybe if he told himself over and over again he would also start to believe it.

Willie stopped in front of him, scratched his chest and blinked looking at Shawn before frowning. “Oh, you’re still here” he looked around and then shook his head, Shawn heard something that sounded suspiciously like _we’ll manage, my arse_ but it was only mumbled so he could not be entirely sure. “Mate, your neck must be killing you” he sounded sympathetic “Ni didn’t even get you a pillow and a blanket?”

Shawn frowned, he had not even thought about that. They had just laid on the couch and talked and then somewhere along the way they had fallen asleep. They had been comfortable and content, the thought of moving to either the guest room or Niall’s room had not even hit him last night. Now thought when he thought about it maybe they should have. Shawn’s neck did not hurt, Niall had provided him with the best kind of pillow, a human pillow.

A sudden spike of guilt hit him, he was selfish he had not even thought about if Niall had been comfortable just taken it for granted. Maybe his neck and back was killing him this morning? He hoped Niall would have told him. He would have, he told himself determined.

Then he remembered Willie was still standing there and had just asked him a question, which he was expecting an answer to. “Eh, well we didn’t sleep much” which was true, suddenly he felt how fatigued he was. He would do almost anything to be able to just burrow himself under a comforter and sleep the day away, preferably next to Niall of course.

Willie chuckled “figures, like teenage girls” he said and shook his head again for good measure. He looked down at his watch and grunted “I would make you breakfast being the good host around here” he arched one of his eyebrows and Shawn chuckled. “But unfortunately, I have places to be” Shawn nodded and looked at his phone again, only ten minutes now until there would be a car outside to pick him up. He swallowed and smiled not wanting to show Willie how much leaving was affecting him.

“No worries man, I’m leaving soon too” Willie hummed and responded with “oh yeah, have a nice flight and for god’s sake get some sleep, you look awful” Shawn let out a surprised laugh at that and Willie winked as if to tell him he was not serious but Shawn could definitely imagine that he was looking a right mess. 

Shawn liked Willie he was easy to talk to and had a great sense of humor. He hoped Willie liked him too, it felt important, he was a part of Niall’s family and family was important. He hoped he would approve of Shawn as Niall’s boyfriend, when the day came when he would be aware of their relationship.

They said their goodbyes again and then Willie went to the kitchen to get something before leaving. Shawn was grateful Willie had left, now he didn’t have to be nervous. Niall and he were really alone in the house for the first time since he had arrived. And now he had to leave in mere minutes, it was not fair.

Where was Niall anyway? It irked him a little that Niall had left him without an explanation just after he had told him he would have to leave soon, really soon. Didn’t he want to spend every last minute with Shawn. He had thought he would hold him close until it was time and then very reluctantly would he let him go. He hadn’t imagined this whatever this was.

He looked down at himself and remembered that he hadn’t dressed himself yet and did it **on** autopilot while his head was reeling too many thought and emotions swirling around.

Just as he was putting on his jacket Niall reappeared in the doorway smiling at Shawn and looking a little disheveled. He was also still shirtless which made Shawn swallow. If he didn’t have to go like in a few minutes there would have been a million things he would want to do with Niall, having Niall do to him. Now the only thing he could do was taking in the person standing in front of him and it had to be enough.

“Good you’re dressed, come on I have something for ya” he said and Shawn made his way to the hallway. They went to just inside the entrance door where they had just been reunited the day before and where they would now be separated anew.

Shawn looked at him, they were standing face to face and Niall was holding something small in one of his hands. Shawn was curious and was about to ask what all this was about when Niall started to talk.

“I was planning on giving you this next time we saw each other even if it would be in hindsight, but now you’re here and I can give it to you. It’s nothing too special just something you can have from me without it being too obvious ya know…” he took a break and Shawn chuckled, Niall was rambling.

“Just give it to me already” Niall smiled and was about to do just that when Shawn’s phone pinged, the car was there.

Last time Niall had left without waking Shawn up and they hadn’t really had a goodbye at all. This time they didn’t have time to have the goodbye. Shawn looked at Niall and then the door. When he looked back at Niall again Niall was on him, kissing him.

This kiss was different then all the others before it being the last one they would probably share for weeks maybe even months. There was a different kind of desperation to this kiss, a different kind of hunger. As if this kiss had to be life sustaining for months on end. There was so many emotions crammed into just one kiss, so many words spoken through the connection between their lips. All the words they hadn’t time to express.

Shawn closed his eyes and just felt. Niall was clutching his jacket and moaned into his mouth. Shawn ran his hand through Niall’s hair and put the other at Niall’s side caressing the softer flesh there.

When they broke apart they stayed close and they were both panting. They looked at each other intensely as if to remember each other, taking in each other’s features one last time in person. They moved their hands to the other’s faces and moved their fingers over every inch as if imprinting the feel and the sight of the other until the next time they would be together.

They stood there just looking at each other until there was a sound from outside, the car was waiting and Shawn needed to leave. Niall nodded and pressed something, a plastic bag, in Shawn’s hand as well as putting the thing that he was going to give to Shawn in the back pocket of Shawn’s pants.

“Kill it in the Philippines, I love you” then Niall was ushering him out the door. Shawn nodded, looked at Niall and pecked him on the lips one last time, he was too choked up to say anything, the peck being the _I love you too_ he wanted to say but couldn’t.

As he walked towards the car he didn’t turn around. He was afraid that if he did he would not be able to leave and would have gone back to Niall. He was happy there hadn’t been any goodbyes exchanged. Goodbyes just felt more final somehow. This would just be some time spent apart they would see each other again soon. They had too, _soon_.

**SHIALL**

Shawn had taken Willie’s advice and had closed his eyes the moment he had sat down after boarding the plane. He needed the sleep that was for sure and the flight would take about 14 hours so he had a lot of time on his hands. Sleep overcame him easily even if he missed the warmth that he had had the night before when he had been snuggled up to Niall on the couch.

With his eyes closed he could almost imagine that nothing had changed and that he still was in his lover’s arms instead of alone in a plane taking him away from the person he wanted to be the closest too. He could almost imagine.

Even if his heart was heavy because he had to leave Niall, he was also excited. When he woke up hours later he could feel a small smile creep onto his face, he was on his way to perform in a new country for new people. Music and performing was his call, inspiring and making other people happy was the most gratifying feeling. Even after a few years in the business he was still a little amazed every time he thought about the fact that he could do something he loved so much as a living and give back to people through his music.

He just wished he could do all that with the person he loved. When he could do what he loved, what they loved, with Niall by his side would be the day all his dreams would come true.

For the first time since he boarded the plane he looked at the plastic bag that Niall had thrust into his hand as he was leaving. The bag contained a few slices of banana bread, his stomach made a noise of appreciation. The sight reminded him that he hadn’t eaten anything yet today.

When he took his first bite he couldn’t help but moan. It was the best tasting banana bread he had ever had, he devoured the slices in the bag within minutes. Then he took out his phone and sent Niall a message. _Did you make the banana bread? I think I just had a foodgasm!!!_

He could imagine Niall chuckling reading the message. It was true though, it had been so delicious and he was almost sad he couldn’t take a piece home to give to his mum, she would have loved it and asked for the recipe.

Niall’s response didn’t wait long _Niall James Horan: Hahaha no, I’ll tell Harry you liked it though. Would have loved to have seen that (;_

Shawn couldn’t help but laugh a little. It should have been pretty obvious that it had been Harry. Of course, it was Harry. Everyone knew he had been a baker before becoming a part of One Direction. And banana bread, really his love for bananas were legendary almost more so than Shawn’s own love for muffins.

He bit his lip thinking about a clever response, Niall sent a new message before he had been able to come up with something though _. Niall James Horan: If Harry had known you would come he would have probably baked something for ya._

Shawn smiled, Harry was really very special and he could only hope Harry would bake for him some other time. He typed out a new message chuckling to himself imagining Niall’s affronted face. _Maybe I should reconsider? Maybe I’m dating the wrong member of 1D, is Harry single??!_

He was joking of course, he hoped he and Harry would become close friends but Niall was the only guy, well only person really, that he had ever loved. At least like this.

_Niall James Horan: Shup up! You love me, but if you need some reassurance you’re with the right member I guess I could bake ya something too?_ Shawn chuckled, he would definitely take advantage of this.

_I love only you. But I think that would be for the best! (;_ Even if he knew Niall didn’t take him seriously he wanted to make absolutely sure he knew Shawn only had eyes for him, the teasing was fun though.

He blinked down at his screen as the next message came through. It was three cake emojis followed by three words in another language, something he didn’t understand. _Leatsa go síoraí._

He shifted in his seat and was about to send back a _what_ when he felt something hard edged dig into his skin from whatever was in his back pocket. The thing Niall was about to give him when he was leaving this morning. Shawn wasn’t sure why he felt so nervous all of a sudden but it felt important, Niall had said it wasn’t anything much but maybe he was just downplaying it, he had been rambling. Shawn took a breath and reached back to take out whatever it was that Niall had left in his pocket.

It was a small hard object, as he laid it in the palm of his hand he recognized it as a guitar pick. It wasn’t just any guitar pick though. It looked custom made. It was blue and had a pattern that looked like the surface of the moon. _Illuminate._

The swirling of different shades of blue made Shawn think of something else though. Of Niall’s beautiful eyes. Niall’s eyes were something he couldn’t get enough of, that rich blue that shifted from looking like the deepest see to the clearest sky and sometimes even like the earth when a bit of green was reflected in his irises. Shawn wasn’t sure if this had been Niall’s intentions, it was perfect non-the less.

He turned the pick over in his hand and then he noticed the engraving, it was in gold in a neat handwriting. He traced the engraving with the pad of his index finger. The engraving was of those same three words in a foreign language that Niall had just sent him, _Leatsa go síoraí_ _._ Under the three words was one simple letter _,_ the letter _N._

Instead of asking Niall he took his phone and taped in the words. It turned out it was Irish, of course it was Irish. The words, l _eatsa go síoraí,_ meant eternally yours. Shawn stared at his phone, it was such simple words of expressing one’s love. A such simple way to show that they were in this together, forever. It was so simple but meant so much. It was so thoughtful, so perfect. He was feeling a bit overwhelmed, like as if his chest couldn’t hold his expanding heart much longer.

He looked around him and when he couldn’t see anyone paying him any attention he brought the pick in his hand up to his lips and kissed it lightly. That was when he noticed there was some more engravings along the edge of the pick. It was very small and he had to bring it up very close to his eyes to be able to make out the words. _You & I, for many more months_.

It was an anniversary present, in a few days now it would be a month since the day they confessed to having feelings for each other. A month, it was not a lot of time but it felt like so much longer. Like they had already been together forever. A month ago he and Niall wasn’t even together and now he couldn’t even imagine his life without Niall in it.

He chuckled at the _You & I_, thinking it was surely not a coincidence that there was a One Direction song with that name. He liked how Niall was able to say so much with so little, _nothing can come between You & I. _Nothing would be able to come between them, it was them against the world and they would, _make it 'til the end_. Nothing, not distance, not keeping it a secret, nothing would be able to keep them apart. Nothing could, _separate the two of us._

That Niall gave him a pick and not something more cliché for an anniversary gift also meant the world to Shawn. Niall knew him and it showed.

The present may also be a little dig at him though, Shawn couldn’t help but laugh remembering Niall saying under an interview how he kept finding picks of Shawn’s around the house. This one he would not be so careless with though, this one he would hold close to his heart.

He wanted to call Niall to tell him everything he was feeling, how much he loved him, how much this meant to him. He knew he would have a hard time getting all of that out however and thought better of it, it would be better showing him instead.

Shawn had an anniversary present planned for Niall, he had talked to people to make it happen. Niall’s thoughtful present made him a little self-conscious though, his present was a bit cheesy and not at all as deep and meaningful as Niall’s pick. He wanted to be able to give Niall something as important, something showing him how much he and their relationship meant to him.

He would maybe have to ask for a few more favors. He sent a small message to Niall asking to keep the get to know each other questions going and then asking what Niall’s favorite flower was.

Niall answered with sending back a four-leaf clover emoji and an Irish flag making Shawn laugh. He would figure something out and he had another idea where he could include a four-leaf clover. He would not be able to include it in the anniversary present but he hoped and believed it would be worth the wait. It would be a permanent and very meaningful gesture that would be able to show how much Niall meant to him.

He closed the message app on his phone and went to compose an email instead. He was sure he would get the help he needed. One or two more favors wouldn’t be too much to ask and the person he was relying on had seemed eager to help.

* * *

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/151679116@N03/35996140613/in/dateposted-public/)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! 
> 
> Hope you liked the new chapter? 
> 
> For people that didn't know Niall did actually talk about finding Shawn's guitar picks at home after they jammed together. Not in March though but I'm taking some liberations with the time line to fit my story better and to be able to include some canon Shiall happenings that hasn't happened yet when the story takes place. You will notice that the story will start to diverge more from canon from this point forward especially for Niall. 
> 
> Hope you like the visual I made of the pick Niall gave Shawn? (:  
> Also I do not speak Irish so I hope the internet provided the right translation? 
> 
> All the love ♥️♥️♥️


	21. Come on Tour with Me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While performing in Manila Shawn gets an idea.  
> An idea that can bring the boys together much sooner than either of them had dared to even hope.

**Chapter 21: Come on Tour with Me?**

Shawn was standing in the middle of the stage and looking out over the crowd. He had just started the show and he felt the nervous excitement he always had before going on stage, and started to play, diffuse from his body. This was going to be the last show of the _Shawn Mendes World Tour_. It was a great end to a great tour, it was always a little sentimental going up on stage for a last show. To know that after that night the last chapter, the last words of this book would have been imprinted in history. At the nights end there would be a new book before him with blank pages to be written. Every end had a new beginning.

He was living in the moment and he would let the music embrace him and take him to new heights as it always did. He was unable to not look forward as well though, to not think about what was to come. In only a little over a month he would start the next tour, the _Illuminate World Tour_. He could feel it in his bones it would be something incredibly special.

He felt sweat at the back of his neck as he readied himself to play the last song of the set, _Treat You Better._ He had changed the set list and switched places of _Stiches_ and _Treat You Better,_ he was planning on keeping the change throughout the next tour _._

He strummed the guitar strings smiling thinking of the gift he had gotten from Niall. But as he started to sing the song a feeling of not quite being complete, of having everything but there still being something missing came over him.

It was not a completely new feeling, he had felt the same feeling just a few days earlier. As Shawn played and sang the song he couldn’t help but think back to the other day when the same feeling had creeped up on him as he performed the song.

_Shawn had been amazed when he had arrived in the Philippines yesterday. It was a beautiful country, beautiful nature and nice weather. He planned on being shirtless a lot on this visit, because of the weather but also for Niall. He knew he would appreciate the pictures that would surface and maybe he would even take some himself and send only for Niall’s eyes._

_He was in a resort where he would enjoy the day, it was nice getting to be the tourist for a bit. To swim outside in the middle of March, jump down the waterfalls, spend time with the locals and just enjoy the free time he had with his friends and colleagues._

_A local guy he met while swimming had called his friend who happened to be a big fan and he had been able to surprise them. He loved doing stuff like that, just hearing the shock and delight in someone’s voice only because he had uttered a simple “hello” to them was amazing. Knowing that he could make someone’s day just by acknowledging someone’s existence. He wished he could do it more, his fans were amazing and they deserved so much, he was so grateful to have them._

_Now he sat on a rock at the edge of a small pool. A family was enjoying their time, there were two children, two small girls as well as an older girl and what he presumed was their mother accompanying them. Shawn smiled at them to encourage them to approach him. They looked a little shy and as if they were contemplating if he would bite them if they came too close. Shawn had to suppress a chuckle._

_The oldest of the four smiled at Shawn “they adore you, hope it’s okay that we came to say hi?” Shawn nodded and was about to respond when the youngest of the smaller children smiled wide and came closer to where Shawn sat._

_“Hi, siiiing” she exclaimed and Shawn smiled at the girl. The mother looked embarrassed and as if she were about to apologies but before she was able to do so Shawn started singing a little of_ Treat You Better. _The mother gave him a gratefully look and a little nod before she looked fondly at her smiling girls. The older girls stared to sing along while the youngest looked at him in awe nodding a little as to give him her approval before she also joined in._

_As he sang he felt a small pang in his chest. He couldn’t say what it was at first as this was perfect, this was one of the things he loved the most with his life, with music, how he could connect with people through singing. He loved meeting young fans and being able to inspire them, he should only feel happiness as he sang with them._

_He couldn’t make himself feel that though as the unpleasant sensation which was taking over his chest only grew stronger. He loved this, he did and it was a precious moment. The person he wanted to share it with was not there though. He wanted to share these moments, he wanted to be able to do these things with the person he loved. He wanted to be able to experience things like this with Niall._

_He wanted to be able to do everything with Niall. Waking up beside him in the morning, making him breakfast in bed. Watch sport on the TV. Go out and having a few beers. He wanted to be able to do it all. He knew they couldn’t do everything he wanted, not openly anyway. But they could still do it as friends and be together for real in secret._

_He felt elation at the thought of being able to go out for a couple of beers with Niall, until he remembered that even if he could it would probably still not happen as they wouldn’t be at the same place at the same time for god knows how long. He definitely planned to go out when he was touring Europe, it was nice being legally of age there and being able to have a drink if he wanted. It was just that he wished it could be with Niall by his side._

_Shawn had known it would be hard to be separated from Niall once again after their short reunion. He had known he would feel distraught and that he would miss him, a lot. He had not however thought he would feel such a hollow feeling inside at experiencing beautiful and special moments without him. Just wishing Niall was there so that he could share the incredible moments with him._

_They had had a special connection when they had sung_ Treat You Better _together and now when he sang the song he wanted, no needed, that connection again. He could look around and search but it would be in vain because Niall was not there. Niall was probably not even awake right now, with the time difference between them._

_He had never felt like that before, not when singing. The feeling of that the music running through him was not enough. Like as if he needed more than being able to perform and sharing his music and telling his story. Like as he would not be complete if he would not be able to share the moments in his life with someone, if he would not be able to share his music, his thoughts, his everything. He didn’t want it to be his incredible experiences, he didn’t want it to be just his stage anymore. He wanted it to be theirs, he wanted it to be his and Niall’s._

_He smiled through his emotions and sang a few more lines. Everyone around him were happy but he felt empty._

_The mother smiled “thank you” she said. The younger middle girl splashed and went with “again”. Shawn tried to keep the emotions and the hollow feelings out, to suppress them to be able to be his happy and polite persona._

_“Maybe another song?” he said, he didn’t feel like he could go through the rush of those emotions again at the moment. “Never Be Alone” the oldest of the three girls asked a little more tentatively than her sisters._

_Shawn nodded and they had a small little singalong. More people came closer and stopped to watch them sing together, some even joined in. It was great, truly it was._

“When you fall asleep tonight just remember that we lay under the same stars.” _His own lyrics were reassuring him, he could do this. He and Niall could do this, be together even when they were apart. He wanted so much, just to have Niall with him, but he knew they couldn’t be together like he wanted to. Not now. They had their own paths to wander, the only thing he could hope for was that those paths would cross each other more and more._

_He just hoped the feeling of being incomplete of having a piece of him missing would go away. That the feelings were just because he and Niall had just been separated and that it would be easier when he took the stage in a few days. That he would only feel happiness performing even if he wished it could be with Niall._

_After he finished singing he smiled at the girls in front of him, now a little sincerer even if it still didn’t reach his eyes. “You want to take some pictures with me?” he asked and they all nodded and even if he was not able to enjoy the moment as much as he wanted to, he felt a warmth spread through his chest because he was able to make other people happy._

Shawn let the last note echo in the arena, “I love you and I’ll come back soon, thank you” he said to the audience, maybe a little choked and rushed but no one noticed. He swallowed and then he made his way off the stage after doing a last guitar riff, waving and bowing to the crowd.

The odds were against them but he needed to try, he needed to fight to be able to have Niall with him. He couldn’t just settle for small visits and small glimpses of the life he wanted. Of the life where he could have his life and Niall’s life intertwined together. Where their lives were two parallels, where their everyday lives were going hand in hand with each other’s following the same patch. He wanted to be able to build a life with Niall, together not apart.

As he closed his eyes backstage he got an idea. Maybe, maybe they could do what they loved side by side. He felt happiness bubble inside him, he had to call Niall.

**SHIALL**

Niall was puttering around the house, he was trying to not think to much about it. It being the fact that Shawn hadn’t said anything yet about the present Niall had given him when he left a few days ago. It was stupid but the silence on the subject was bothering him.

He was unsure if he should be worried that it hadn’t been received well or if it could mean something else. He hadn’t wanted to do a big thing about it but it kind of was anyway, he wanted to be with Shawn to the end of time. There would never be anyone else, ever. Maybe it was weird to say that after only one month together but that was how he felt and had been feeling for a while now. Shawn was it for him.

He had been certain Shawn would like the custom-made pick he had given him, it had felt like the perfect gift and he had been very happy with how it turned out. How he had been able to combine the love and promise of a forever between them with their love and passion for music.

Shawn’s silence however was making him feel a little insecure, maybe he had thought it over the top? Niall had been happy with just a simple _thank you_ or a shy _I liked it._ But there had been nothing, not even a mention of it at all in any way. Niall could not figure out why.

It wasn’t that Shawn hadn’t had any opportunities to say anything. They had texted a few times since he had left. He bit his lip thinking about the text conversation they had had yesterday, it had ended with both of them being very satisfied and having new material for their wank banks. He shook his head to clear those thoughts away and not get distracted and lost in memories and pleasure. Missing someone so much that you contemplated touching yourself to pictures of him in the middle of the day was sad, he would at least wait until the evening.

Having cleared his head his thoughts returned back to Shawn’s silence when it came to the pick. He had even sent a message to Shawn, with the words he had engraved, the same day that he had left. But no response or even acknowledgement. Maybe he hadn’t even seen it, maybe he had forgotten that Niall had even put something in his pocket.

Sighing he decided to stop fretting it wasn’t giving him anything else than a headache. He would wait until the actual anniversary and see what Shawn would do, or say. It was still a few days away. He knew they wouldn’t be able to see each other but he still hoped that it would be a special day and that they could maybe skype or FaceTime each other. He wondered if Shawn would have something for him, maybe he would send him a package?

The surprise visit he had made had been the best present though, there was nothing that could beat just spending time together and having the other boy in his arms.

Shawn felt like a person that would want to give him something though, someone that would use every opportunity to be romantic. Niall had not been that person himself before, or not desperate to be that person at least. Being with Shawn was different though, with Shawn he wanted to be that sappy person who his friends would never stop teasing. He just wanted to make Shawn happy and see his face when Niall did something extra. He wanted to be the person for Shawn who would make him light up by just entering the same room or hearing their voice. Shawn was that person for Niall.

He was making his way into the kitchen to make a sandwich when his phone started to ring, he smiled when he saw it was Shawn calling. Maybe he would say something about the pick now.

Niall leaned against the wall and smiled as he accepted the call “Hi love, how was the show?” he said calculating the time difference in his head and realizing it was already evening in the Philippines.

“Good, could have been better though” Shawn said but he didn’t sound sad or disappointed as if something had gone wrong. He sounded excited and high on energy. Niall smiled a little nostalgic remembering how that was, coming off the stage after a One Direction concert. Being high on adrenalin from the buzz and euphoria even hours afterwards. Gosh he missed touring.

He made a small noise in his throat when Shawn didn’t deliberate right away. “It had been better if you’d been here” Shawn said and let out a breath. Niall sighed and let out a “yeah” in response.

He wished he could go on tour with Shawn, he would have loved to have been there but there were a million reasons why that was not possible and he knew Shawn knew that as well as he did and he was therefore not voicing it and was about to change the topic when Shawn started talking again.

“Come on tour with me?” Niall almost thought he had heard him wrong “what?” Why would he say something like that? He wanted that so much but he knew it was something they couldn’t have so hearing that question and knowing he had to say no was torturous.

“Come on tour with me” Shawn repeated and this time it was not poised as a question. The one million reasons why it was a bad idea was on his tongue. He swallowed he didn’t want to say everything that was standing in the way of that.

Shawn said nothing more though as if waiting on Niall to either say yes or decline the offer. “You know I would love to…” He brought up a hand to his temple and rubbed a little before he continued “but you also know that I can’t, we can’t.”

Shawn made a noise as if he was thinking “hmm… Why not?” Niall shook his head, it was just so many reasons and it seemed Shawn would make him say them all.

“First off it would be suspicious, me following ya on tour, people would talk” he didn’t want that to be a reason why not but he couldn’t lie and say it was something they didn’t have to take into consideration. He could go to one of Shawn’s concerts, yes but following him on tour was a whole other thing. He took a breath and continued. “I also have so much planned this spring and summer, getting a band together, releasing me second single, festivals, promo” he looked forward to getting out there again soon, being able to play his music and meet fans.

“What if it wouldn’t be suspicious and what if you could still do that, or well most of it at least” was Shawn’s response. Niall’s arguments didn’t seem to deter him and his excitement. Niall blinked what did he mean?

He didn’t see how he could follow Shawn on tour and get to promote his own music, he didn’t see how people wouldn’t found it suspicious that he followed Shawn around Europe, people would definitely ask and wonder why.

To be honest Shawn asking him to just drop everything to go on tour with him was a little selfish but at the same time a part of him wanted to do just that. Wanted to not care about anything else than being with Shawn. Post pone everything and just spend a few months on the road with him, being together without the distance. He must have made a noise or asked Shawn what he meant without realising because Shawn was talking again and you could hear the smile in his voice. Niall couldn’t help but smile back.

“Niall would you do me the honor of coming on tour with me and being my opening act?” Niall couldn’t help but laugh at first. It had almost sounded like a proposal if you only changed the wording slightly to something like _the journey of life_ and _husband_. Then it hit him what Shawn had actually asked, he didn’t just want him to follow him on tour he wanted to have Niall come along and sing with him across Europe. Maybe even beyond that.

Could they actually do that, were there actually a possibility that he could spend months with Shawn? See him every day and share a stage with him every night. He felt excitement rising in his chest and his laugh turned into an excited giggle instead. It was even better than what he could have come up with in his dreams.

Then he stopped abruptly there was still a problem “you already have an opening act” he said a little subdued. He knew it had been too good to be true.

Shawn let out what sounded like an exasperated breath and Niall frowned being able to imagine him shaking his head or rolling his eyes. Shawn couldn’t even think about substituting James with him could he, he wouldn’t do that. “Who says I can’t have two opening acts?” Niall felt new hope rise within him.

“I know you have your new single but I do too you know, we can maybe release them simultaneously. Do some radio shows together before the first show, promoting our new songs. You would have to skip the festivals and promo but what is better promo than playing and having your music heard buy thousands of people every night.” Shawn had said all that in one breath. He sounded nervous now as if he was unsure of what Niall would do.

Niall laughed unrestrained now and he felt like he could even cry of happiness. “My management will get nightmares when I tell them” he said between laughter. All their plans would change but it made sense being an opening act, it made sense. He could be with Shawn and still get his music out there. They could say whatever to try to change his mind he would fight for this and they would not be able to get him not to go on tour with Shawn.

He was going on tour with Shawn.

Shawn laughed too “Andrew will probably raise an eyebrow but think it’s a good idea, I think you’ll like each other.” Andrew, Niall frowned then remembered it was Shawn’s manager and friend. He looked forward to meeting the man that had discovered Shawn and made him into the artist he was today.

There was a lot to do, a lot to do in a very little time. He still needed a band, he still hadn’t played more than one original song. It would be a lot to do in the coming weeks but he would have done a lot more if it meant he could do this together with Shawn. He would make it work. They would make it work.

“We’re going on tour” he said in astonishment. It would really happen. He wished he could hug, kiss and swirl Shawn around. He was so happy, just being able to clutch his phone and sporting a tear-filled smile didn’t feel like enough. He had a feeling of bliss running through his body, it was something like taken from a fairytale.

Shawn made a happy noise and echoed Niall’s words “ _We’re_ going on tour.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! 
> 
> It feels like a great day to post this with Niall's 1st solo tour starting today! Who's excited?!!!! *raises hand and screams MEEEEEE*
> 
> I've written a small one shot about the text conversation Niall mentions in this chapter. It didn't really fit in with the chapter so I chose to write in on the side. I made it into a series with the main story. It's called "My Little Leprechaun" and if interested you can read it here https://archiveofourown.org/works/11955114
> 
> Hope you'll have a great start of the week! All the love ❤❤❤


	22. The Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nick is on a mission but he's running late. Louis really wants to meet Shawn.

**Chapter 22: The Talk**

He was late, Nick was packing up his things to leave the BBC Radio 1 studious. He had been stuck in a meeting after the show had ended for the day and now it was almost half past eleven. He had told Shawn he would be at Niall’s at this point already. Shit.

As he was making his way out of the building Fifi stopped him her arms crossed over her chest and with an arced eyebrow. “Somewhere to be Grimmy, somewhere connected to that present of yours?” Nick just sighed and shook his head. It had been an ongoing discussion the whole morning some of it even on air. Why did everyone have to be so bloody nosy Nick thought to himself ruefully before chuckling a little under his breath. Because okay so maybe he shouldn’t be the first one to ask such a question as he was known to be quite nosy and gossipy himself.  

“I told you I will not tell you” he said in exasperation. He had brought the wrapped package Shawn had given him under the party to work that morning, which had in hindsight maybe not been the most brilliant idea he had ever had. He had at least laid it with the note down so no one could see what Shawn had written on the front of the small package, if his colleagues had seen that it would surely have raised a lot of more unwanted questions.

As it was they had asked him point blank who it was for while they had been on air. He had panicked as he couldn’t tell them that it wasn’t even from him, who he was delivering it for or to whom. He couldn’t really tell them anything truthfully. There was no friend he could blame it on either so in the end he had rushed to tell them it was a present for his dogs. He had then gotten a lot of chirps about that he wrapped his presents for his dogs to which he had responded with going into a rant about how dogs really liked to rip of wrapping paper thank you very much. It had been an interesting morning to say the least.

Truth be told he was almost as curious as his friends were. He knew who the present was for and from who but Shawn had not told him what it was. Rest assure that he had tried to get the information out of Shawn when he had given him the parcel but it had been to no avail.

Fifi was studying him and then her eyes light up “oh my god” she said a then slapped him lightly on the shoulder “you have a secret boyfriend, don’t you?” she looked so delighted. Nick was almost sad he had to tell her no. It was a secret boyfriend present alright but not between him and someone else.

“No Fifi, if I had a secret boyfriend don’t you think you would have noticed” he thought about how you could see on both Niall and Shawn that they were in love. Their smiles a little brighter and the sparkles in their eyes a bit more prominent. No wonder Louis had been able to see right through Niall he thought with a smile. He hoped if he had found someone he would have had the same look on his face and that he would have been unable to hide it from people at work, that he would have been just as obvious to his friends.

Fifi looked at him with narrowed eyes, as if she believed that if she would look at him hard enough she would be able to figure out all of his secrets just from one single look. He was happy it was not his secret, if it had been he would probably already have said something at that point.

She shook her head and tilted it “maybe, or maybe you have just gotten better at keeping things from us. I did see a suspicious smile just now you know” Nick laughed at that because he had never been very good at keeping himself closed off and he needed the social buzz, he had not any problem with letting people in. It was so much harder and more tiering to having to always think about keeping them out. The thought about Fifi interpreting his fond smile as infatuation or something ridiculous like that was also amusing and he found himself laughing harder. She glared at him making him close his mouth and his laughter died abruptly, her glare was the worst. “Fine don’t tell me but know I’m onto you and I will figure your secrets out” she said and Nick let out a breath. It seemed as if the inquiry was over.

Then he remembered he was in a hurry and said his goodbye before rushing out of the building. He had an errand he had to do for Shawn as well before he could make his way to Niall. If he wasn’t so fond of these guys and so guilty over having first outed them and then ruined the surprise he would maybe not have been so easily perused to do all of this he though. He would still have done it for sure but he would probably have teased and mock complained over it a bit before agreeing. Now he had just jumped at the idea to be able to rectify his earlier mistakes when it came to Shawn and Niall and their relationship. Shawn had sent him an email a few days ago with further instructions and now he was on his way across town to be able to fulfill them.

He had told Harry about what Shawn had asked off him and Harry had laughed delighted and called him Amor in response. As if he would be an almost naked little chubby angel the comparison was ludicrous but not really surprising coming from Harry. When he had said as much Harry had just laughed even more and said he was the bearer of love and that was a very beautiful thing. Sometimes Harry was a little ridiculous but that was why they got on so well. They were both a bit silly at times and a bit odd.

He had texted Louis about his job as a delivery man as well and had gotten back a bunch of heart emojis and other love tokens together with just one word, _disgusting._ Nick agreed wholeheartedly with that but if it was just disgusting or rather disgustingly sweet he was not completely sure about.

He shook his head as he made his way into the flower store and looked around for what he was after. He really hoped Niall would appreciate it, he had never pictured Shawn as the over the top romantic type but maybe the kind of love he and Niall shared would do that to a person. Nick really wouldn’t know. He signed and shook his head, he then saw a flash of yellow and made his way over to that part of the store. As Harry would have said what would he not do for love even if it in this case was for someone else’s love rather than his own.

**SHIALL**

Niall was exhausted, the day before had been a lot of phone calls and a lot of meetings piled on top of each other. He had told his management team and PR people of his plan of going on tour with Shawn Mendes instead of what they had planned for him for the upcoming months. They had not been happy with him and they had tried to talk him out of it, asked him if he really was sure and if he didn’t need some time to think it over. He had paused for about maybe two seconds before he had said he was absolutely sure and that had been met with a lot of groans in response.

They hadn’t really been able to say that it was a bad idea though, that the promo they had planned would be better for his career than doing the tour with Shawn. They hadn’t been able to say that because they knew it was actually rather smart and convenient and a good way to kick off his solo career after the release of a first single and close together with after the second. That it was also convenient for him personally because he would be able to spend a lot more time with Shawn, well they didn’t need to know that did they.

His management people had been more reluctant because of all the work that they would have to do as well as all the work they had done in vain to work out his schedule for the summer. All the things they would have to cancel last minute. Niall had to agree that it was a bit in last minute but it was not too late and that was the only thing that mattered.

So late last night they had come up with a plan and they had all been on the same track as they had called it a night. His management people going to talk to Shawn’s people so they could start to collaborate their promo and the release of their new singles. It was really happening, it felt a bit like a dream.

Now it was almost noon and Niall thought about calling Shawn. It was the morning of their one-month anniversary. Well morning for him at least it was already evening in Japan. He knew Shawn was probably very busy, he was both doing shows and would be recording this thing for MTV where he would be trying a lot of new daring things. Still he would have thought he would at least had a happy anniversary text waking up this morning, that there would at least have been something. Shawn had still not said anything about the pick either and he had tried not to worry about it but it was harder not to wonder why with every passing minute.

He unlocked his phone and he had a new message but it was not from Shawn. It was from Louis and Niall groaned reading the text. _Lou: I need to meet Shawn, Harry even met him before me!!!_ Niall hadn’t had the time to tell Louis about the party and Shawn being there yet but of course the other somehow already knew.

Niall shook his head, he shouldn’t be surprised really. Of course Louis would be affronted that Harry had met his boyfriend before him. There was only three people knowing about him and Shawn and the nature of their relationship but they gossiped like teenage girls between them.

He furrowed his eyebrows wondering who would have told Louis, Harry or Nick? Probably Nick he concluded. It saddened him but Harry and Louis was not as close as they used to be when they started the band. Everything with the fans and the rumors about Larry and how they had been told to keep their distance in public had really left a mark on their friendship. It had especially bothered Louis back then and even if it didn’t anymore sometimes two people that drifted apart was just unable to find their way back to being as close to each other as they once were.

Louis and Nick on the other hand, they had started out not really liking each other and he chuckled thinking back to the days when they had even gone after each other on twitter. That was long ago now though and after a rough start they had slowly started to see that they were really rather similar and that they had more in common than they had first thought.

They had both colorful personalities and were both rather loud and talked a lot. Which was another reason why it was probably Nick spilling the beans to Louis. Talking to either Nick or Louis also almost always had the same effect, you would probably end up talking about stuff you hadn’t planned on talking about. Somehow their open and outspoken nature made it easier for you to open up as well. They were simply people that was just easy to talk to and even whit talking so much themselves they were also great listeners. In addition to that they were both that person in a room that even without trying brought everyone’s attention. They were always the center of attention, the life of the party. Niall laughed at himself, he was even thinking about his friends as Shawn songs now.

He looked down at his phone and thought about what to send to Louis in response to the text. A few seconds went by “fuck it” he said and called Louis instead. He knew a simple text wouldn’t satisfy Louis and he would bother him all day if he didn’t get answers and really a phone call was overdue anyway.

He had barely put the phone to his ear before Louis’ voice rang through the phone “finally Ni, I was about to send you another text” Niall couldn’t help but laugh a little because Louis was just well so very Louis.

“Hello to you too, how are ya today?” Louis sounded cheerful as he answered, “well I’m great, thank you for asking” and Niall groaned but he was sure Louis could hear the smile in his voice. It was hard not to smile talking to Louis.

A silence stretched out between them, Niall new Louis was waiting on him to talk and he knew that even if Louis had started the conversation sounding displeased about not having met Shawn yet he also just wanted to check in with Niall to know if he was okay. It was easier talking about how Louis had not yet met Shawn than having to talk about missing his boyfriend especially on their anniversary or how it was hard to have to keep it from people like Liam and Willie as well as having to pretend all the time. He had reassured Shawn it was not more than he could handle. And it wasn’t but it was still hard.

He heard Louis making a tapping sound as if he was bored “you know I had no idea Shawn would show up right” Louis hummed. “You could still have invited me” Niall just let that go because well it had not really been his party and he would not send Louis complaining to Nick. Louis hadn’t even been in London.

Instead he changed tactics and started to question Louis instead “why do ya want to meet Shawn so badly anyway?” he got a splutter back before Louis gave him a real answer even if he said it with indignation. “Why do I… why do I want to meet Shawn?” Niall could imagine Louis rolling his eyes “he’s your boyfriend so really it should be obvious, I want to give him the talk. And well frankly it’s not fair, if not for me you two would maybe still be dancing around each other and not have started your disgustingly epic romance and then after all that Harry gets to meet him before me.” Louis let out a huff at the end but you could hear he wasn’t really serious about being cross at the Harry meeting him before me part.

Niall had just half listened to the second half of what Louis had just said though. Louis wanted to give Shawn _the talk_. That could only end in disaster, the talk could only mean one thing right and having his best friend talk to his boyfriend about doing the dirty. That would either end with Shawn running for the hills or ending up scarred for life. Niall shuddered at the thought of Shawn’s mortified expression as Louis sat him down and started talking about using condoms and how important thorough preparation is before anal sex.

He was afraid to ask but he needed to “the talk?” he could hear Louis give an affirmative sound on the other end. “I’m one of your best friends of course I want to give him the talk and make sure he is good enough for you and that he is treating you right.”

Niall couldn’t help but chuckle “the best mate talk” he said relived. It should have been obvious that Louis had meant the best friend talk and not the sex talk but with Louis you could really never know.

“Yeah mate… what talk did you think I meant?” Niall didn’t answer he was a little embarrassed and didn’t really want to tell Louis as his friend would not hesitate to use the information as teasing material. Then Louis started to laugh one of those big and unguarded laughs, pure elation. He had figured it out himself then.

“You thought… I wanted to give… Shawn Mendes… a sex talk” Louis said that between giggles and then burst out laughing again. Niall couldn’t help but laugh too because hearing Louis say it out loud made his earlier thoughts seem even more bizarre.

They laughed for several minutes together and Niall felt relived, talking to Louis always made him feel lighter. Before the phone call he had felt drained from yesterday and worried from the lack of communication with Shawn for their anniversary. Now all of that was gone and he was feeling more carefree and at ease.

If Niall had thought Louis would leave it at that he would be wrong, really it shouldn’t have come as a surprise. “You know I’m not really a big expert on gay sex or anything, I could ask Nick to give him the talk though. I’m sure he would be up for it” there was still laughter in Louis’ voice but also something suspiciously sounding like determination. Niall moaned in despair he wasn’t sure what was worse thinking Louis wanted to give Shawn a sex talk or having Louis plotting to talk to Nick about it.

“Please Lou, don’t do it” he knew he was close to begging. He didn’t think Nick would actually sit down and make them sit through a gay sex talk as he would probably see right through Louis and that was reassuring. Nick would probably be teasing Niall just as much as Louis though and he would not be able to do anything about that. “Fine ruin my fun, Shawn is just a baby though and maybe he needs some guidance” Louis made a small pause “on another baby note at least you won’t have an unexpected babygate.” Niall choked a little, had Louis just made a joke on his own expense? The notion was ridiculous and even if Louis now made fun of it, it had to still hurt what some people thought.

He was so grateful though, it had started to become a little awkward and Louis could feel that and had made a little joke about himself to lighten the mood and take away the focus from the merciless teasing. It still left Niall rather shocked at times how well Louis knew him.

Thinking back of what Louis had said before he became alarmed, _…make sure he is good enough for you and that he is treating you right._ Shawn had been so insecure about how he treated Niall and he couldn’t let Louis have that talk with him, not because he didn’t trust Louis he just needed to protect Shawn. Louis would just have to take Niall’s words for it and to see for himself when he and Shawn were together that Shawn was the best partner he could ever have even dreamed of. Let alone being able to call his.

“Shawn was really worried he wasn’t treating me right but he is, he is the best lover I have ever had. So please Lou don’t make him think he isn’t” he hoped Louis would understand.

Louis was silent but Niall knew he was choosing his words. “I know Niall, I know… I have known since I saw that look on your face. I know he’s doing all the right things. I know, it’s just I love you and I need to know for myself that he’s just as invested as you are.”

Niall didn’t know what to say to that really. He felt a little choked up, he knew though that he would want to do the same for Louis and he had done so in the past. “I’ll go easy on him though, just talking getting to know each other.”

Niall wanted that too, wanted all of his friends to get to know Shawn. Get to know him as the incredible young man he is. Most importantly though he wanted them to get to know him as his boyfriend, being able to show them how wonderful and loving he was to Niall, how happy he was making him. How Shawn was able to make him feel whole and how everything else felt insignificant whenever they could be together.

“You’re thinking about him right now aren’t you… you miss him” Niall blinked he had gotten lost in thinking about Shawn, again. Shawn flipped his world by just exciting. He couldn’t help but chuckle but the chuckle turned into a sound of despair. “God Lou, I miss him like crazy… all the time. Did ya know I have only seen him once, _once_ , since we started dating a month ago?”

Louis made a noise and sighed before he said, “I know it’s hard” and Niall instantly felt guilty. “Gosh I’m sorry Louis, you have to be away from your son and here I am complaining” he felt like slapping himself over the head, how could he be so insensitive.

“None of that, I see Freddie as much as I can, it’s not ideal but it works” he sounded almost concerned. “Is it really working for you and Shawn though, be honest, when will you be able to see each other next?”

At that question Niall felt a smile take over his face, a smile that reached his eyes. He could tell Louis, it would just be a few weeks then he would be with Shawn again for months on end. Just thinking about that made his eyes become glassy and his cheeks warm, he was just so happy.

“I have some news” he started with to not just blurt it out but then the excitement made him unable to hold it in “I’m going on tour with Shawn, I’m opening his shows.”

Louis didn’t say anything at first so Niall added “so yeah we’re really making it work, tour starts in like five weeks here in the UK and we’ll see each other sometime before that” as he said it he heard how true it was. They had made it through the hardest part and it would all become so much easier when they would be together. They hadn’t yet decided when they would see each other next but with the singles they would release and everything it would at the most be a month. They had survived being separated for that long before and they could do it again.

“That’s amazing Nialler, already going on tour without me though I’m hurt” Niall laughed at that because he heard the light teasing in Louis’ words. He hadn’t thought about it like that though it would be a bit weird going on tour without the other lads but on the other hand he would have Shawn so it was not like he would be all on his own.

Louis suddenly made a “oh” sound, seeming way too excited suddenly as if he had just gotten an idea. Louis' ideas could be a little dangerous sometimes, frankly you never knew what he would get up to when he was in a mischievous mind set. “That could work” he heard Louis mutter to himself and Niall could imagine his smirk and his eyes twinkling as he made plans in his head.

Niall was about to ask with a little trepidation what exactly it was that could work when there was a knock on the door. He frowned as he wasn’t awaiting any visitors.

“Hold on Lou, someone’s at me door” he said and made his way out in the hallway. “Oh great, say hi to Nick” Niall stopped in his tracks.

Niall was about to ask Louis what he meant and how he would know it was Nick at his door but he heard the distinguishable sound of the line going dead. Louis had hung up on him.

Niall shook his head and put his phone in his back pocket. It was only one way to get to know the answers to his questions. He went to open his front door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi people! 
> 
> So I saw Niall perform a few days ago and it was amazing! If you are going to a Flicker Session you really have something to look forward to. Really can't wait for his album to come out next month!
> 
> I know this chapter became a little bit of a filler but I promise next chapter will have a lot of Shiall. Don't we all love Louis though, I love writing him and really it was way too long since he was part of a chapter. Talking about Louis with this chapter I kind of opened up for there to possibly, maybe, be some Tomlinshaw or at least a strong friendship I could build upon. Would you guys be interested in having that in the background??! 
> 
> All the love ❤︎❤︎❤︎


	23. Maple Leaves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nick deliver Shawn's anniversary presents to Niall.

**Chapter 23: Maple Leaves**

Niall blinked as he opened the front door, just as Louis had said Nick was standing on his doorstep. He looked a little flushed as if he had just rushed there, he also had a slightly nervous and restless look about him. Nervous but at the same time determined and focused Niall thought as he looked at the other man contemplatively.

He didn’t say anything as Nick had just showed up unannounced, Niall had no idea why he was even there. So instead of greeting him or inviting him in for that matter Niall just raised an eyebrow in an obvious question. Nick shifted his weight slightly from one foot to the other and it was then that Niall noticed that he was holding his hands behind his back, clearly hiding something from him.

Nick took a deep breath as to prepare himself for what he was about to do. Niall almost laughed, for someone that usually had such ease with words Nick seemed to be almost tongue tied at the moment.

“Ugh hiya, I’m here on courtesy of Shawn who is apologetic he couldn’t be here himself” Niall had to bite his lip because of course Shawn had done so much more than just send a message. He felt so stupid now that he had been questioning Shawn and if he would even acknowledge that today was their one month anniversary.

Some colour suddenly rose to Nick’s cheeks as if what he was about to say was making him embarrassed and as if it was taking some courage just to get the words out of his mouth. Niall had a very hard time keeping the laugh that was bubbling at bay at the sight, he wished Shawn could have seen it. “So, eh you are the sun to Shawn’s moon, as you gave him the moon he will give you the sun?” Niall was able to keep the laughter in because Nick just looked so uncomfortable and as if he wished he could just bolt and Niall did not wish to make this harder on the other bloke.

Then it registered what Nick had just said, the sun to his moon. Niall smiled so wide at that to which Nick just shook his head as if exasperated, thinking Niall was gone beyond redemption. Niall smiled because it meant that Shawn had liked the pick Niall had given him, the pick with a pattern of the surface of the moon. How could he ever have doubted it? He knew it was a perfect present but standing there now hearing the evidence was incredible. He had been worried but now he was just so happy and relieved, it was such a nice gesture to deliver it like this instead of just a small message or a few words over the phone.

Nick then brought forward one of his hands, the other he still kept behind his back. In the hand he brought forward he held a single flower, a big vibrantly yellow sunflower. Niall hadn’t imagined that Shawn would give him flowers, it was a really nice gesture though with the implication and the accompanying words. Having so much meaning and conveying significance made it more than just a pretty flower.

Niall nodded and still smiling brightly reached out his hand to take the flower from Nick but Nick shook his head at the action before he took another deep breath. He turned his head upwards looking at the sky, it seemed to Niall like Nick was gathering strength from greater powers as well as trying to remember and organize his thoughts.

When Nick looked back down he nodded at the flower before he started to speak. “There is more. You bring brightness to his life, you’re the happiness to his every day. Eh… and this sunflower is a symbol of that, one flower for your one month together.” Niall was smiling so bright it was almost making his cheeks hurt, making the words that had just left Nicks mouth ring very true. His face was shining like the sun as the happiness radiated from every part of Niall’s being.

Niall didn’t have time to respond though before Nick was talking again, he was counting off things on his fingers as he started to speak. “The meaning of sunflowers is adoration, longevity and loyalty. Shawn adores you, hopes that your relationship will have the longevity of eternities and that your relationship will always be built on loyalty and mutual respect” Nick let out a breath with the last word. He had said everything in quick succession and seemed relieved to have delivered the messages, having done what had been asked of him.

Niall felt a little overwhelmed, Niall hadn’t ever thought Shawn would be that romantic or that one single flower could ever hold so much meaning behind it. It was the perfect flower though, the perfect gift to be able to tell him what he thought of Niall as well as of their relationship. It was everything and more than Niall could have ever hoped to hear. That sunflower hold so much happiness, hope and promises. So much life. He was a little choked at everything Nick had just said, even if Nick had said it he knew it was Shawn’s words. Shawn had really thought about it and was giving him so much depth and sincerity. Small actions with deep and personal meanings could mean so much more than the bigger but superficial gestures ever would.

He looked at Nick who just stood there looking a bit awkward and Niall suddenly realized something. He giggled making Nick look at him from where his eyes had drifted downwards after he had finished his small speech.

“Did ya practice that in front of the mirror Nicholas?” The slight blush from before was back on the older man’s cheeks, even a bit stronger now and Nick glared a little before he nodded and grimaced “was it that obvious?”

Niall started to laugh then, Shawn was not just romantic and knew just the right things to say. He was also a genius making Nick say the sweet and lovable sentiments. Niall was almost sad he hadn’t known this would happen because if he had he would have definitely recorded it.

After a moment Nick started to laugh as well, as they laughed together Nick also brought forward his other hand in which he held a small parcel. As the laughter subsided Nick held forward both the flower and the parcel to Niall.

Niall took them both from the older lad and looked back over his shoulder and inside his house asking “you want to come in?” He hoped Nick would say no because well he just wanted to contact Shawn and to talk to him, no he decided he didn’t want to he _needed_ to talk to his boyfriend. Needed to see his face and to hear his voice.

“Nah mate I’ll leave you lovebirds to yourself for today to do whatever lovebirds do” he tilted his head and looked at the small package in Niall’s hands “I would love to know what’s in the present though as Shawn refused to tell me.” At the end of the sentence Nick was slightly pouting making Niall chuckle. Niall shook his head, there was no chance he would tell Nick. If Shawn had not wanted to share the information it was probably for a good reason, it may be very personal or maybe it could cause some embarrassment.

“Sorry no can do” Niall smiled cheekily almost smirking which just made Nick huff in annoyance but then he was smiling. Niall was sure that Nick really did want to know what Shawn had gotten him, but he also knew it was a lost battle even if he would probably continue to try to get the information out of them over the coming weeks.

Nick just nodded and then he waved as he started to leave “don’t do anything too wild with your boy, yeah” he said winking and Niall just laughed in response. They were continents apart so of course they wouldn’t do something as wild as he really wanted to do.

Shawn was in Japan again though and he had great memories from the last time he had been there. He flushed a little and bit down on his bottom lip as he thought of what had happened when Shawn was in Japan a few weeks ago, he hoped that they could maybe reenact that or do something of the same nature tonight.

Nick was laughing and wiggled his eyebrows at him and then he just shook his head, seemingly understanding were Niall’s mind had just gone without his consent. Then Nick was gone and Niall stood there alone with his sunflower and present, red from slight embarrassment, he hadn’t menat to be so transparent.

As he turned around and went inside again, the door closing behind him, he missed the figure lurking a small distance away. That same figure left the shadows with a big smile on his face and a full camera roll.

Niall went back into the house, he put the lone sunflower in a vase he had to search a few minutes to find in the back of one of the cabinets in the kitchen. He then went into the living room and sat down on the couch after setting the vase on the coffee table.

He hadn’t really looked at the parcel before now, it was small maybe about five inches squared, it was wrapped in red paper, soft and weighing almost nothing in his hands. Niall turned it over and it was then that he saw the small label and white ribbon. On the label on the front of the package was written in Shawn’s handwriting, _Your four-leaf clovers to my maple leaves – S._ Under the scrawl was also a little sketch. Niall smiled and shook his head in astonishment, all the little things Shawn did made his chest ache like as if it was too small to hold all the emotions the other boy inflicted in him with just the smallest of actions.

Below Shawn’s message was a tiny four-leaf clover and a maple leaf, but not simply that. The stems of both leaves were intervened and twined around each other. Two things that represented parts of them connected as one. It was so simple but yet not, showing how Shawn felt they were tightly intervened and connected with each other. They were two different people from different places but yet their lives were now intervened and they were a unit, a package deal. Niall couldn’t stop smiling, how he had ever gotten so lucky to be with Shawn he still didn’t know.

He opened the present and took out what was inside, it was some kind of garment. He unfolded it and held it up, he couldn’t help but laugh as he saw what it was. He was holding a pair of pants in his hands, the boxers were white with scattered small red maple leaves all over the fabric.

This was better than having matching clothes Niall thought absentmindedly, this was somehow even more sappy and more personal. Because it was something personal between only Shawn and himself, something someone else would not be able to understand or really know the implications of. It was a thoughtful but fun and a little ridiculous present. Niall loved it. Shawn had taken his four-leaf clover boxers and now Niall had a pair of maple leaves boxers in return. Niall understood why Shawn had not been eager to let Nick know what was in the parcel.

He was a little astonished how similar the boxers he now had was to the ones that Shawn had taken. They both had a white base and had only green or red details on them. The leaves on both boxers were even the same kind of faded out on one side he thought amazed.

He could tell that the pair of pants Shawn had given him would fit him like a glove, that they were supposed to be like an extra layer of skin. He really hoped he could pull it off and that he would look as sexy in them, that he would be able to look as sexy for Shawn as Shawn did for him.

Niall put the wrapping paper on the table and then with the boxer briefs in hand made his way towards his bedroom to change. He had a new piece of clothing to put on and a boyfriend to celebrate their relationship and anniversary with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! (:
> 
> I had planned to post this and the next part together but it was becoming very long so I decided to split it up and this was really the only place I felt was appropriate. So sorry for this being on the short side. This however means the next part is almost fully written as well and should be posted very soon (:
> 
> If you are interested in where my inspiration for how the maple leaf boxers would look like came from you can look it up here: https://www.joeboxer.ca/products/strictly-canadian-boxer-brief
> 
> All the love, and always treat people with kindness ❤❤❤ 
> 
> P.S. Harry's tour! He KILLED that, just wow! And the pride flag, cliche as it is he's just beautiful from the inside and out ♡


	24. Dare to Live

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shawn and Niall celebrates their anniversary together over Skype. Shawn has yet another surprise for Niall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to make you aware that I changed the rating to explicit with this chapter. Also updated the tags. If you are not into that I guess you can skip this chapter as not much really happens plot wise. 
> 
> Otherwise happy reading! (:

**Chapter 24: Dare to Live**

Shawn was standing in his hotel room in Tokyo, looking out through the floor to ceiling windows over the moving cars and people looking like small ants down below. He was high up on the 25th floor in a hotel in the Shibuya part of Tokyo. It was starting to get late but the city around him was still full of life, Tokyo was one of those places that never slept and where people were always on the move, he reflected as he observed people going along with their errands through the night.

He had the urge to start walking around his room, pacing back and forth, but he refrained. He had been on edge most of the day, mostly with anticipation but also with a growing amount of nervousness. He had arrived in Japan late last night and had installed himself well, having a relaxing day.

Some of his team had asked him to come out with them that night but he had declined and instead stayed behind by himself in his room. If, no _when_ Niall called him he wanted them to have privacy, he wanted to be alone and to be able to talk to his boyfriend undisturbed. It was nice to have an evening to relax as well even if the nervous energy in his body was making it hard for him to unwind.

He looked at the box that he had put down in the corner on the shelf over the clothes hangers placed just inside of the entrance to the room. It felt like it was burning a hole into the shelf where it stood, just with the knowledge of what was within. He hadn’t even opened it yet, hadn’t had the courage to even look inside.

Shawn shook his head in astonishment of what he had actually done, it had been a bit of an impulsive purchase but he couldn’t deny that he wanted it and that he wanted to use it. Niall would help and encourage him, or at least he hoped he would. They had never really talked about stuff like this. Shawn had never thought about it much before himself, at least not before the last time he had been in Japan.

Shawn had looked up that kind of stores close to the hotel he now resided in while he was in the Philippines. As he couldn’t just go out himself and go and buy something like that he had used a fake name and made the store he had bought it from deliver the package to the hotel lobby. He had even made them promise the package would be undistinctive, when he had arrived yesterday he had retrieved an unrevealing innocent looking brown box that now stood in the corner on the shelf.

It had all been very discreet and he had taken every precaution he could think about to keep it from everyone, even his team. He knew he could have asked and people would have gotten it for him, for some of them it would even be their job to do so. He had no desire however for all the questions and raised eyebrows the item he had purchased would have elicited. He knew Andrew would probably have done it without too much fuss but it was not just questions he wanted to avoid, he was also a little embarrassed and it would be a bit humiliating to ask for help when it came to this. So, an anonymous and ambiguous affair it had had to be.

He took his eyes away from the box and took out his phone from his back pocket, he had probably looked at it once every other minute for the last hour or so. Nick should have been at Niall’s place ages ago and he should have had more than enough time to get the sunflower and then deliver it, the present and Shawn’s messages. Shawn cursed and swallowed, he hated feeling so insecure. Why hadn’t Niall contacted him yet? Had something happened?

He hovered over Niall’s name in his contacts debating in his mind over contacting Niall himself or not. Not, he settled on as he didn’t want to contact him before he had gotten his anniversary present and messages, he wanted Niall to understand how much this day and Niall meant to him. It was more than he could ever say with a phone call, Shawn wanted it to be more special than that. So instead he went to the name under Niall’s. Getting a confirmation from Nick about how things were going would reassure him and if he had been at Niall’s already he could then contact him he decided.

He didn’t have time to write out the message to Nick however before his phone signaled that he had a new message followed by another only a second or two later and then a third. Without hesitating he left his conversation with Nick and saw that the messages were from Niall. He quickly went into their thread and almost dropped his phone when he saw the pictures.

He should have guessed what Niall would do, he should have seen it coming but the pictures Niall had just sent made his mouth dry up and water all at the same time if that was even possible. Instantly he felt all the pent-up anticipation tighten through his body and then rush downwards. He was so happy he was alone, otherwise Shawn was sure people would just _know_ what he was feeling and thinking right now. He could feel his cheeks burning.

Niall has sent him photos just like the ones he had sent Niall a few weeks ago. When he had been in Japan last actually, he groaned at that. Feeling a need for things to escalate to that this time as well only he wished for it to become even more. He could feel how his whole body became hot. He wasn’t only embarrassed about what he wanted but also by how much he wanted it.

Niall had sent him pictures of himself wearing _his_ hoody as well as the boxers Shawn had just given him as an anniversary present. The maple leaves boxers were plastered to his body like an extra skin, Shawn could feel himself staring and he wet his lips with the tip of his tongue.

The first picture was not that reveling but Niall looked seductive and the way he had moved the zipper halfway down his chest and looked straight into the camera was sinful. Shawn marveled at the fact that Niall sometimes didn’t think himself sexy, to Shawn he was the most desirable and mouthwatering being he had ever laid his eyes on.

The second and third pictures made things really stir in Shawn’s lower regions. He wished he could be there and touch instead of just look. He remembered having Niall in his arms, remembered being in Niall’s arms himself, remembered feeling the muscles and flesh under his fingers. Niall’s body was so much more than the other man believed and Shawn promised himself he would make Niall understand that, he would tell him over and over again if needed.

In the second picture, the hoodie was completely unzipped and he was launching back on the bed reveling his front to the camera. The last picture had him turned over and Niall’s ass was now outlined in the fabric of the underwear. Shawn bit his lip. He could tell Niall was flushed and starting to get aroused himself when taking the photos.

Shawn was about to reach down and take off some of his own clothes and relieve some pressure as he got a new message, this time it was a text and not a picture. _Niall James Horan: did I leave ya speechless? (; I love it, everything, love ya xx_

Shawn chuckled at the teasing, but Niall wasn’t far from the truth. Niall had that effect on him most of the time leaving him short of breath and with a racing heart. Now had not been an exception to that. Shawn itched to touch and to do something and all because of a few pictures of Niall.

He made his way back from where he was standing in front of the wall of windows facing the street. He took up his computer and waited impatiently for it to start up before he with slightly sweaty fingers logged in on Skype. Niall hadn’t said anything about skyping but he hoped they were on the same page anyway, he couldn’t wait anymore.

Fortunately, Niall was already online and it didn’t take them long to connect a call. As the image focused and Niall’s face made it into the space of his computer screen Shawn couldn’t help but stare. There was so much he wanted to say and do that he didn’t really know where to start. 

Niall was watching him too and then he broke the eye contact with a smile and a playful shake of his head “did ya start without me, had I told you to do that?” Shawn shivered slightly at that flushing as he realized Niall could see that his pants was half undone from his earlier desperation. The implication of the question that Niall was the one in control made Shawn feel safe somehow and it only made his arousal grow. “Sorry” he almost felt compelled to answer the question with a _no sir_ but refrained as it felt weird and he didn’t know if Niall would be into that. He was also embarrassed enough already, it was enough with the power balance as it was however how nice it may be to take it even further.

Niall smiled and shook his head again this time a little exasperated as if his comment had just been a joke, Shawn was unsure if he wanted that to be the case. He was kind of into Niall telling him what to do. He would probably not have much courage to do the things he thought about if Niall didn’t give him a push. He hoped that Niall knew that because he didn’t think he would be able to muster up bravery to ask it of him. It was too humiliating.

“I… thank you” Shawn nodded knowing what Niall wanted to say, he smiled feeling the tension and nerves subside a little at the easy and warm presence of Niall even if he was so far away. Just hearing his voice and seeing his smile light up his screen was enough. “You look incredible in red and white” he said instead of making the conversation sappy. Niall knew how he felt, he had already poured his heart out even if it had been through Nick.

Niall stood up in front of the camera at that and twirled around slowly, his groin and ass taking over the whole screen. He even wiggled his ass a little extra. Shawn couldn’t help but laugh and Niall looked satisfied as he sat down again. Shawn just shook his head in exasperation, gosh how he loved that man.

“Happy one month love... It has been perfect, you’re perfect” Niall looked into his eyes “only wish we could have spent more of it together.” Shawn nodded it was all he had wished for as well. Though knowing the following months would be spent together made the separation so much easier.

He looked at Niall and then he looked at the box, he swallowed and hesitated briefly before thinking _fuck it_ and making his way off the bed. He was about to record a _Dare to Live_ episode here in Japan in a just a few days, this was one of those things, he had to dare and try new things to really be able to live.

As he made his way back, box in hand, he was met with Niall raising an eyebrow at him. Shawn felt uncomfortable, what if Niall didn’t like it, what if he would be completely opposed to the whole idea of it. Shawn shook his head, they didn’t need to use it. If Niall was not into it he could just try it himself sometime, he didn’t think he would but maybe someday he would have the courage to try it out without the encouragement of the other.

“Shawn…” he blinked and felt himself flushing the nervousness from before was back full force. “Eh, I have one more surprise and it’s okay if you don’t like it, I mean I get it if you don’t” he worried his bottom lip between his teeth. This was hard, it was just Niall he thought frustrated. Maybe that was it though, if Niall didn’t like it and judged him it would be so much harder to take then some chirping from his friends would have been if they somehow had found out.

Niall was waiting him out as if he knew Shawn was needing some time to compose himself. In the end he was too self-conscious to even look at Niall or say the words so he simply opened the box, clumsily, he needed a few tries to get the tape off that was holding the flaps together. When he had gotten the box opened he just angled it and put it in front of the computer camera, he closed his eyes and waited for a reaction.

A gasp was heard in the room followed by a “holy moly mother of…” and then Niall trailed off as if he shouldn’t talk about god or Jesus in this context. Shawn opened his eyes and chanced a peek at Niall who was still looking into the box. He didn’t look appealed at all more like intrigued, Shawn let out a breath and waited for Niall to say something else. “Wow Shawn, I had no idea you had that in your closet” Shawn snorted and he angled the box towards himself.

He was still amazed over the fact that he had actually done it, he had bought himself a dildo. After the first time Niall and he had had skype sex and he had fingered himself, he had done so a few more times. It was never the same though without Niall’s voice telling him what to do and how to do it. Then he had flown to London and he and Niall had been together for a day but nothing sexual much had happened do to circumstances, in the wake of that he had become desperate. Desperate enough it turned out to buy a dildo in hopes of more. And that the _more_ would happen tonight.

He looked down at the object in the box. It wasn’t anything that remarkable really, it probably wasn’t even something that would raise eyebrows, if not simply because of the type of object. People would maybe think it was a gag gift, but it wasn’t as it was something he genuinely wanted to use and on himself no less. It wasn’t even that big either, he wanted it to be enjoyable. More than he could do with his own fingers but not too much more. Not all at once at least.

“Take it out” came Niall’s voice, sounding a bit huskier than before. Shawn reached a tentative hand into the box and wrapped his fingers around the cold material of the dildo before he lifted it out of the box. It was a strange feeling having the weight of it in his hand. He looked down at his hand circling the phallus shaped rod.

Shawn looked up when he heard a groan coming from his computer, when he looked at Niall he drew in a breath. He must have been in his own head for a while because Niall had discarded the hoodie altogether now and his new boxer briefs were tented and he even had one of his hands rubbing there making Shawn unable to look away.

Niall met his eyes “you have no idea how hot ya are” after saying that he tilted his head and Shawn saw that he had a small glint in his blue eyes, darker than normal with arousal. “You want this” Shawn nodded. He thought it would be evident as he had been the one buying the thing in the first place, he thought his actions made it more than obvious but he appreciated Niall taking care of him and wanting to check with him. Even if it wasn’t needed, he wanted it, even if it maybe wasn’t always the easiest thing to admit to or express in words.

He soon realized Niall wouldn’t say anything more though not without a verbal confirmation. “Yes” he said in little more than a whisper before getting a little more confident looking at Niall’s face the anticipation he had been feeling all day reflected back at him through Niall’s intense stare “yes… so much."

Niall nodded and his hand moved away from where it had been situated at his groin “shame if I would get me new pants ruined” he commented absentmindedly. And just like that Niall dragged the maple leaf boxers down his legs and he was naked while Shawn was still mostly clothed. He would not strip down thought, not before Niall told him he could do so.

Shawn wanted nothing more than to take off his clothes, he felt hot all over and seeing Niall’s red almost angry looking hard cock just made that feeling intensify. Niall seemed to notice as Shawn squirmed a little on the bed and took pity of him, or maybe it was for his own benefit wanting to see more of Shawn, asking him to take his clothes off as well.

Shawn had laid the dildo on the bed beside him as he had undressed, when he was finished he looked between Niall and the toy on his bed. He almost felt like laughing, it was really sinking in that he had bought a _sex toy_ and that he was now only minutes away from doing something with it. He was curious to see what Niall would tell him to do, he wasn’t sure what he would have done if he was on his own. If he had ever mustered the bravery to do anything with it at all.

Niall had sat himself on the edge of his own bed, his legs slightly spread. His hand was teasing his balls, rolling them in his hand. Shawn wished it was him doing that and that made him flush. There was also something else he had not yet told Niall.

He had had hours on his own before Niall had sent those pictures, he had had hours imagining what they would be doing tonight. Even if he hadn’t had the courage to open the box by himself. Even if he hadn’t wanted to take that step on his own or try this new thing without Niall’s knowledge. Niall’s approval. If Niall had said no he would not have done it he realized and not just because of the embarrassment and lack of courage. With that said he had still not been a couch potato, he had done stuff while he was waiting.

Niall looked at him with piercing eyes “ya nice and tight for” and he nodded to the dildo still on the bed beside Shawn. Shawn nodded as well in response but then he frowned and said cryptically after a silent heartbeat “could have been tighter…”

Niall’s mouth dropped open “ya mean… ugh, that you have…” Shawn nodded before he could say it, he already felt his cheeks aflame “yes, in the shower this afternoon." Niall tilted his head back and moaned, Shawn stared transfixed at Niall’s throat and he was sure he made a noise of his own.

“Suck on it” Shawn blinked “what?” Niall once again nodded towards the dildo “suck on it” and Shawn looked at him wide eyed, he hadn’t even thought about doing that. Niall asking him, no _commanding_ him to do it made him want to though and he found himself gripping it again and bringing it closer towards his face.

He brought out his tongue and closed his eyes thinking it was just like eating a banana. He wanted to laugh when the unwritten rule, _never make eye contact with anyone while eating a banana,_ popped up in his mind. He had a small remembrance of it being something Harry had once tweeted. He didn’t laugh though, instead he did just what his mind told him not to. As he brought the dildo into his mouth he made eye contact with Niall. The unwritten rule was when you didn’t want to make it sexual, when you didn’t want it to be suggestive, now he wished to drive Niall crazy and looking him in the eyes while taking more of the toy into his mouth seemed like a great way to do that.

When he had a little more than half of it in his mouth he stopped feeding himself on the rubber and instead tried to suck which had been what Niall had requested. He was doing all this while looking at his computer screen, from slightly under his eyelashes, Niall’s eyes looking straight back at him intently, unblinkingly.

Niall had started pumping his dick now, slow but steady. His eyes not wavering from Shawn although his breathing had picked up. Shawn felt his own heartbeat in his ears, he hadn’t even in his wildest imagination thought he would be here doing this right now when he and Niall got together one month ago. But here he was and the only thing he could have wished for differently was that instead of having a dildo in his month he would have had Niall’s hard shaft.

He slowly started to bring it back out and made a show of swirling his tongue over the tip all while looking at Niall. “Fuck, Shawn…” Shawn felt daring and brought the dildo a few centimeters away from his mouth so he could speak. He took a deep breath and made his voice sound steady and confident even if he wasn’t really feeling it “I wish I had something else to suck on instead” he could feel how flushed he was but if it was because of embarrassment or arousal and excitement over what they, _he_ was doing, he was not sure.

Niall shook his head as if to understand if what he had heard and what he was watching was even real, then he groaned and the noise was deep and went straight to Shawn’s cock that had been neglected all this time.

“Do like last time, show me and prepare yourself” Niall rasped out and Shawn scrambled a bit on the bed as he turned into a position where he could present his backside to the computer and support his body at the same time.

As he was already quite loose since he had played with himself in the shower earlier that day he didn’t need to be careful or to take it slow. He didn’t have the patience to get lube so instead he put a few of his fingers where the dildo had just been and sucked on them while making obscene noises. He licked on his fingers seductively and swirled his tongue around them which made Niall moan and pant at the sight. When he thought he had wet his fingers enough he looked up and over his shoulder directly at Niall. As he met Niall’s eyes he winked before taking out his fingers from his mouth and bringing them down to his ass and his puckered entrance.

Soon he had two fingers deep in his ass. He could feel his muscles spasm and knew he was ready for more when he was able to scissor his fingers so that there was a gap a little more than a centimeter between them.

He got an idea and looked back at Niall. The other man looked as if he was holding back from letting loose completely as if he would not be able to take it if he did. It looked like as if he wished to prolong his pleasure and torturing himself with keeping himself just on the edge between too much and too little. Shawn felt himself tighten around his own fingers, he was making Niall feel like that. He was making Niall into a swearing mess, He was strangely rather proud of that.

Shawn looked from Niall to the windows behind the computer. He knew it would make a pretty view and the risk that anyone would be able to see him was very slim with how high up they were and with how it was only dimly lit in the hotel room. There was a possibility though that someone would see him, or see that there was someone there just not knowing that it was him. That thought was making him more excited than it should. _Dare to Live_ he thought not for the first time that evening.

He turned over on the bed and before Niall could ask what he was doing he had grabbed the dildo in one hand and had stood up making his way off the bed. He turned the computer around and moved the table it stood on a bit closer to the window.

“Whoa nice view, I prefer your backside though” Niall said when Shawn had finished rearranging the table. Shawn hummed a little and then he went the small distance from where he was stood to the glass wall so that he stood directly in front of the window. He looked at Niall and then out at the Japanese night. “I’m giving you both.”

He heard Niall drew in a sharp breath and smirked a little to himself. He turned around and once again presented his ass to the computer. He looked out through the window, it was a soccer pitch on the rooftop in front of him and they were playing a match. Maybe they would be able to see a silhouette of a person, if they looked up towards his window. It made him feel a thrill of excitement run through him. He had never done something like this before, the feeling was electrifying. He felt alive doing something so daring and out there.

“Put your hand on the glass and lean over” was Niall’s next order and Shawn complied without hesitation feeling more elated but also more nervous and abashed at the same time. He could feel the hairs on his skin stand up and he had goosebumps at the prospect of what was to come. His cock stood at attention, hard and throbbing, pointing towards the glass of the window in front of him. He took the liberty of spreading his legs and leaned a little more so that his ass would go more outwards making the view for Niall even more obscene and almost pornographic.

After Niall had gotten him to rewet the dildo by licking it from base to tip a few times, leaving streaks of saliva behind and creating sloppy noises, he was once again waiting on a new command. He was almost shaking from the anticipation.

Niall was drawing this out on purpose and he looked back to tell him to go on and make him do something, _anything._ His words got stuck in his throat though as he caught Niall lick his lips while staring at his ass hungrily. “Fuck… I wish I could lick that arse of yours” and Shawn wanted that too so bad, feel a wet warm tongue down there sounded divine. So filthy and slightly wrong too maybe but not enough so that he didn’t want it. He could almost imagine the feeling, softer and warmer than his fingers, he could feel his hole spasm wanting it to be around a soft muscle. “Ugh… me too” he let his forehead rest on the forearm that rested against the window.

“Ya ready?” Shawn knew what Niall was referring to and he was as ready as he would ever be. Would this count as losing your gay virginity? He would have something up his ass, something more than just a finger or two. This was really happening.

He nodded and this time it seemed Niall wasn’t going to make him say it, it was enough confirmation. Maybe he wanted to watch this just as much as Shawn wanted to do it. “Circle the tip against your entrance and slowly insert it.”

Shawn shivered as he looked out over the city on the unknowing people below as he brought his hand holding the dildo back and let the tip grace his puckered hole, he let out a breath at the sensation. He took a few deep breaths before he put a bit more pressure behind his actions, it was a little harder than he had thought but after a few seconds and encouragements coming from Niall he could feel the toy breach his ring of muscle. It didn’t hurt but it did burn and the stretch was more than he had ever felt before. A gasp left his mouth at the feeling of fullness as he slowly but surely brought more and more of it into himself.

He could hear Niall breathing heavily behind him and he could also hear the unmistakable sound of someone wanking. He wanted to look at Niall but he was too enraptured in the feelings that was assaulting his body. It was almost too much and after half of it was inside he had to stop.

“So… fucking… hot” Niall was panting behind him before he seemed to take a breath and control himself a little more. “Next time… I don’t want ya to use that without me and next time it will be me prick up that arse of yours” it was said with so much heat and authority that it made Shawn feel his knees tremble. He didn’t want to do this without Niall anyway, but being told he wasn’t _allowed_ was so arousing.

“Mmm, promise” Shawn let out with his next breath. He took in another deep breath and then he pushed in the dildo all the way into his ass in one swift motion. His “ahhhh” and Niall’s “fucking hell” echoing in the small hotel room.

“Move when you’re ready” came Niall’s airy and astonished sounding voice. Shawn smiled because even when being in control and giving orders, it was still somewhat on his conditions. Niall always wanted to make sure he was okay, that what they did was on his terms.

When he started to move it, taking it most of the way out just to bring it back in again he couldn’t help but to let out a yelp as it was even better than he could have imagined. You were able to go so much further in and keep a more satisfying angle than you were when fingering yourself.

Niall guided him after that creating a pace and trying out different angles until he was able to hit his prostate with every thrust of the dildo that he did with his hand. He was starting to get desperate as he could not stay in that position and fuck himself as well as getting friction on his dick at the same time. He could feel a fire starting in the pit of his stomach but he needed something more to get him over the edge.

Niall seemed to be close to the edge himself “fuck me… Shawn… will burst soon” his voice coming out darker and with a thicker accent as he was getting closer to his climax. He wanted to say something but he was to into it and in the fog of lust and stimulation to get any words out. “Thrust your hips against the window."

Shawn straightened a bit, he felt a bit unsteady on his legs. His muscles in his arms screaming from exhaustion. He moved a little closer to the window still with one hand on the glass for support, he let the hand holding the dildo be still when it was as far in as it could go and then he moved his body forward towards the window. The friction he got as his cockhead touched the glass was heaven and hell, the cold of the glass making him scream slightly in surprise. He moved back fast impaling himself on the dildo again rougher than before. It was pleasurable torture and he was desperate for the little friction so he set a fast pace. Niall’s sounds from behind spurring him on.

Just like last time they had done this what really brought him over the edge was Niall telling him to let go. “Come for me” he saw a little white as he could feel himself explode, his cum splashing against the window in front of him. He could hear Niall making a few noises and a very erotic sound sounding a bit like his name, he knew Niall had just come as well.

As his vision cleared and his climax was coming to an end he let out a few breathy lines without even thinking “he’s coming, ah... yeah he’s coming for you." It had been a bit false and the melody broken as he tried to sing at the same time as he was coming down from his high.

He heard a laugh from behind, also that a bit breathy “did you just?” and then Shawn started laughing too as he took out the dildo and turned around sliding down to a sitting position on the floor. His legs not able to hold him up in his post climax state. He let the toy roll out of his hand and he closed his eyes as he felt that he had a pleasant ache in his backside.

Niall had sent him demos of a few songs the other day. Wanting to know which of the songs Shawn thought he should do when they started touring. As he would only have two singles out he would have to decide on a few unreleased songs to perform on tour as well. And he had just sung some of the lyrics to the song _On the Loose_ , just changing the pronoun.

He smiled at Niall and nodded opening his eyes “It’s a very catchy song." Niall just looked at him and they both giggled. Shawn’s giggle turning into a groan as he saw the state of Niall, his chest and hand being covered din his own semen. He wished he could taste it.

“I’ll never be able to perform that song now without thinking about ya coming for me” Niall said in mock horror. Shawn smirked “you’re welcome” Niall just glared “fuck you." Shawn raised an eyebrow and Niall laughed, because yeah it was not really an insult instead rather something they actually desired. Shawn felt pleasantly fucked at the moment and he couldn’t wait for it to be directly because of Niall.

Niall just shook his head in exasperation “Ya are going to be the death of me” Shawn smiled proudly. “Really though, that was wow…the present, flower, meaning of it all and now this” Shawn blushed, he didn’t know what to say. He had said all he was feeling already and he didn’t really want to talk about what they had just done. It was a bit much to comprehend that he had just fucked himself with a fake cock against a window on Niall’s command. He looked away embarrassed, shivered and flushed pink all out to the tip of his ears.

“Hey none of that, that was amazing. I loved every second, such a craic nothing to be embarrassed about” and Shawn looked up at that and couldn’t help but snort. Only Niall would ever explain what they had just done as a _craic_. He could tell Niall had really enjoyed it though and that was really all that mattered that they had had a great time.

They talked for a bit after that and got dressed, Shawn ordered room service and Niall cooked something for himself. They sat eating, talking, laughing, just spending time together. It was almost as if they were together, the only thing missing was the intimacy of physical contact. Shawn longed for a hug, a kiss and to be able to fall asleep in Niall’s arms. A few weeks he thought wistfully.

“Come to Canada” he exclaimed suddenly, why wait up until the tour, why not spend some of their down time together as well. “What” Niall said looking up from his bowl of ice cream he was having for dessert.

“Come to Canada” Shawn repeated with a big smile. “In a week or two come to Canada, I’ll be home in just over a week and you can join me” he could see that Niall was not convinced so he kept going. “When you have a band take them with you to Canada and you can have your tour rehearsals parallel with mine. You can stay with me and my family and we can say to the media that we’re working on our collaboration” it was actually a good excuse. They could even work on a song when Niall was there.

“We’re not telling people I’m going on tour with ya?” Niall asked suddenly. Shawn hadn’t even thought about that, it had been so much happening that no one had broached the subject of announcing it. Not even their management and agents had said anything about it. “You want to?”

Niall seemed to think that over and then shook his head “nah mate let it be a surprise, maybe I’ll tweet something soon though. What about something like “Horan coming to a city near you” just to hint at me going touring?” Shawn nodded, the fans would freak when Niall showed up at the first Illuminate tour show. It would be amazing.

“So Canada?” Niall smiled. “I’m in. How could I ever say no to you?” Shawn grinned at that and made a comment about how he had Niall wrapped around his little finger and they both laughed. It was true though, they both had, they would do almost anything just to keep each other happy and do fulfill each other’s hopes and dreams.

He then saw the time in the corner of his computer screen and cursed. It was two in the morning. They had talked for hours and Shawn had entirely lost track of time. That seemed to happen a lot with Niall, all the time they spent together flew by and no matter how much time they had together it would never be enough.

“It’s really late” he said a little sadly and Niall looked wide eyed back as if he had totally forgotten about the time difference between them. “Sorry” he said and Shawn shook his head it was not Niall’s responsibility to get him to bed, he was unable to say that though because Niall started smirking and pointed behind Shawn before changing the topic.

“You should probably take care of that, I’ve heard dried cum on glass is a pain in the arse to clean” Shawn looked back at the stained glass, he really didn’t want to have the cleaners find that in the morning. He flushed at the thought which just made Niall laugh sounding delighted. It had probably been the reaction he had wanted all along and Shawn glared at him “shut up."

“Love you too” Niall responded cheerfully. They ended the call not long after that promising to talk again soon. When Shawn went to bed that night he had a pleasant ache in his behind and sore muscles. He was very happy that he had dared to live a little.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little trivia.  
> The hotel room description is made from observations made from the small section in Shawn's Dare to Live episode where he and Rory are in his hotel room.  
> There actually was a brown box on the shelf over the clothing hangers (although the shape of the box would be different in the story).  
> I'm not 100% sure if he was on the 25th floor but he had room 2518 so I drew my own conclusions.  
> There actually was a football pitch on a rooftop that could be seen from the window in his room.
> 
> Hi!  
> I'm a little nervous posting this but I hope you liked it? Shawn and Niall definitely did (;
> 
> Anyway hope you'll have a great start of your week.  
> All the love ❤❤❤


	25. Meeting the Parents?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Niall has Harry over and he helps him bake for Shawn and his family. Shawn and his mum prepare for Niall's arrival.

**Chapter 25: Meeting the Parents?**

Niall was excited, he would be leaving for Canada tomorrow, he would see Shawn again and this time on his boyfriend’s home turf. He couldn’t wait until the day he could take Shawn to Dublin and Mullingar in return.

Everything had gone to plan, he had found a band that was almost entirely made out of Irish musicians. He was proud to be able to share his little country’s music and he looked forward to when he someday would headline his own tour. He wanted to be able to give smaller Irish musicians a chance to get out there and share their craft as well. It would be such an opportunity to open the eyes of the world to a few bands from home, they would be perfect as his opening acts on tour.

He had almost packed his suitcase, he would spend close to two weeks in Canada with Shawn and his family. Officially to the few people that knew he was about to go on tour he would be there to rehearse and getting to know his band. So far to the public it was to write and to make new music with Shawn. All of that was true but of course in private it was so much more, so much more than just work and music related.

He would spend 24 hours a day with Shawn, meaning they would be able to be a couple for real for the first time. At least behind closed doors, being domestic and really live side by side. To think that they had known each other for months, soon half a year even and they had been together romantically for a bit over a month but they hadn’t spent a full 24 hours together, _ever._ Even with that it felt to Niall that no one had ever known and understood him before better than Shawn did now.

As he was contemplating what hats he would bring with him there was a knock on the door. Niall grabbed the brown fedora and his old grey tweed hat and threw them down on top of the luggage before he went to open his front door. Shawn would look good in a hat he thought, he could maybe get him one. He would look around at the airport tomorrow he decided as he opened the door.

On the other side of the door was Harry, he was grinning and had a small tote bag in one hand. Niall was confused, had he and Harry decided to meet today? He had no recognition of that but he had also had a ton of stuff to do over the last few days, weeks really, and sometimes everything could get a little too much and he forgot things.

His confusion must have been easy to read on his face because Harry laughed and then took a step forward into Niall’s personal space and gave him a big hug. As he drew his head back and they made their way into the house he shook his head and teasingly asked “you didn’t forget we would meet today did you?” Niall grimaced and Harry just chuckled in response. “Lucky for you I come prepared” Harry said and took out a few aprons.

One of the aprons was covered in a pattern of flowers and butterflies and there was also some bow like structure on one side of the apron, very Harry Niall thought a little bewildered wondering if Harry had custom made aprons. It actually wouldn’t surprise him. The other which Harry was holding forward for Niall to take was more modest, mostly black but it had a rainbow trim and the words _Love Is All You Need_ printed on the front.

Harry tilted his head as Niall took the apron from him “so what do you want to bake today?”

Niall blinked “ugh…”, baking. Then he remembered he had asked Harry to help him bake something that he could bring with him to give to Shawn and his family. Something as a thank you for them letting him stay over and all that. It was also a bit because Niall knew how much Shawn had liked Harry’s banana bread. Their text conversation about Niall baking for him had mostly been teasing and for fun but now Niall really wanted to make it happen.

He wanted to do something nice for Shawn. He wanted to be able to say that _he_ had baked it too, even if Harry would help him. If he would be able to impress Shawn and his parents that would be a bonus, he really wanted Shawn’s parents to like him.

He had totally forgotten that he wanted to bake something though and that Harry had promised to help him. So now he just stood there and gaped because what did he even have at home that you could bake something with. He thought for a few seconds “uh Shawn love muffins and he adored your banana bread”, it was the only thing he could think of saying.

Harry smiled and nodded “so banana muffins? Or cupcakes?” Niall nodded and then shook his head. “Muffins, cupcakes would become a mess on the flight” he said laughing thinking of how there would be frosting _everywhere_. His laugh soon turned into a groan though because well white frosting looked very similar to something else. He looked away blushing and closed his eyes willing himself _not_ to let his thoughts travel down that path and himself imagine Shawn’s homemade frosting going everywhere like it had done up against that window almost two weeks prior.

Harry didn’t seem to have noticed anything though as he was occupied by putting on his apron. Niall hasted to follow especially as the apron would cover any unfortunate boner that may become a problem if he wasn’t able to deter his thoughts soon.

Harry made his way into the kitchen and started to open cupboards and taking out ingredients and equipment they would need. It was almost as if Harry was more at home in his kitchen than even Niall was himself. Niall couldn’t do more than stand there and watch him amazed.

“Yeah, you’re going to Canada soon” he looked back at Niall and smirked “baking for Shawn?” Niall couldn’t help but blush a bit more deeply. It was for Shawn but not only.

“Tomorrow… and yeah for Shawn and his family” he said a little sheepishly. Harry turned around at that though and he looked as if Fleetwood Mac had surprised everybody by releasing a new album in the middle of the night. His smile was so bright and his eyes almost sparkling.

Niall felt a little uncomfortable, Harry was a complete romantic though and he would surely just be over the moon for him. “Mate, your meeting the parents that’s a huge step. They’ll love you and the muffins no doubt about it” Harry gushed.

Niall couldn’t help but frown. Meeting the parents. He wasn’t though not really. He was meeting Shawn’s family, yes, but just as his _friend_ and not as his boyfriend. In a sense he was meeting them but not for real, not truthfully at least.

“Does it even count? I mean they don’t know we’re dating so I’m not really _meeting the parents_ ” he made quotation marks with his fingers. In a way Niall was almost relived. If they had known about him being involved with their son he would have been even more nervous about meeting them and impressing them than he already was. He was pretty bloody nervous just meeting them as Shawn’s friend. This way there would be no threats or judgments of how good of a partner he was for their son. He and Shawn would probably even get more alone time if his parents thought that they were only friends.

On the other hand, they were going to lie by withholding his and Shawn’s true feeling for each other. They were going to lie to Shawn’s parents. And that made an unpleasant feeling rise in Niall’s stomach. That was not a good way to start off knowing someone let alone people that you hoped maybe someday would become your in laws.

Niall sighed and before all air had left his lungs Harry was by his side. He always knew when you needed comfort and reassurance. He was so lucky to have his friends supporting him. “Hey, that may actually not be a bad thing” Niall looked up at Harry who nodded looking determined as if he was convincing himself “if they already know and like you they’ll accept and trust you with their son more easily.”

There was some truth in what Harry was saying. He hoped he would be right, but he also had a nagging feeling that maybe they wouldn’t be so forgiving of the fact that they had lied and hidden their relationship right in front of their eyes. He hoped they would think Niall loyal and a good boyfriend for keeping the relationship under wraps mostly for Shawn’s sake.

Telling your parents that you were not completely straight and had started a relationship with another boy was not an easy thing to do. Niall was not totally sure how he would tackle that with his own family either but he would do it the next time he went home. Even if he couldn’t tell them he was dating Shawn he had to come out to them for himself.

“Maybe” was all he got out. Harry looked at him a little sympathetically which was something Niall didn’t want, there were problems yes but they were nothing compared to all the things that was just right. He didn’t need or want pity or sympathy over small things that with time would right themselves. They would, he had to believe that.

“With my, _our_ muffins Shawn’s family will have no other choice but to love you. We should add a chocolate butter cream fudge filling to the muffins as we can’t do cupcakes.” Niall couldn’t help but laugh because Harry was talking a bit faster than normal and it looked like he would start jumping around his kitchen at any time. Harry’s excitement was rubbing off on him, Niall shook his head at just how excited the other lad was and that only on the account of baking.

Cream muffins, Niall bit his lip. It was almost a cream pie which… He wanted to bang his head against the closest wall. He needed to keep his thoughts away from going down that road, again. All since their anniversary he couldn’t help but have more than normal sexual fantasies. He really hoped he and Shawn would be able to be alone and be _together_ at least once when in Canada.

Harry went back to the counter after getting a few things from the fridge on the way there. “Do as I say and you’ll become any parent in laws dream son in law” Harry said happily as if Niall impressing Shawn’s family had now become his top agenda.

Niall made an affirmational nod and uttered a “yes chef” to which Harry laughed. He would put his absolute best in doing this, put in all the blood, sweat and tears that was necessary to make the best muffins on the planet.

After that they worked on the muffins batter while talking and joking around. Niall hadn’t had so much fun in a while.

“Hey Nialler… where do you guys keep the bananas?” Harry inquired. Niall stopped with plating muffin forms on an oven tray. He slapped a hand over his forehead and ten started to laugh. He hadn’t even thought about that. They were making banana muffins and they didn’t have any bananas.

He told harry and they both laughed. “I’m going to call Willie and let him buy us bananas on his way home.”

Willie had grumbled some but when Niall had promised him a few muffins for his trouble he had easily agreed to take a detour by the store. Everything went to plan and Willie had even offered to help finish making the muffins.

Niall of course had to taste the finished product and it was divine. The muffin being light and juicy with a lot of taste and the cream filling complementing the banana flavor perfectly. The filling melted in your mouth, Harry laughed as both he and Willie couldn’t help but moan while taking their first bites of their muffins.

Harry was ready to leave not long after that giving Niall a big hug. “Say hi to Shawn from me, have fun and don’t worry” he gave Niall a pointed look. Niall was about to say he wasn’t worrying but well maybe he was a little and Harry knew him well enough to be able to tell.

How couldn’t he worry though, he was meeting Shawn’s mum, dad and sister for the first time tomorrow. “They’ll love you, everyone loves you.” Niall knew Harry was not only saying that to make Niall feel better. That was the thing with Harry, what he said was 99% of the time what he really felt wholeheartedly. He was always so sincere and polite, he wouldn’t say something like that if he didn’t truly believe it.

“Thank you…” Harry would know it was for more than helping him with the baking. The support meant the world to him “and good luck with the single and everything.” He hadn’t heard it yet as Harry refused to play it for him. He knew it would be something really special though and was very happy for his friend who he knew would inspire millions with his new music.

When Harry had left Niall put the muffins in a plastic bag and put them on his suitcase that he had almost finished packing. Knowing the Mendes family’s love for muffins and how the ones they had made today were the best ones that Niall had ever tasted Niall thought he would be able to make a good first impression. If he wouldn’t end up in Shawn’s parents’ good graces after giving them these small pieces of banana heaven he didn’t know what would.

**SHIALL**

Shawn was happy to be home. He loved traveling, meeting fans and performing live shows but he needed the time off sometimes. The fast pace life as an artist was something he thrived off and loved but it was also something that took a lot of energy. When you were living in the middle of it you never realized but when you stopped for a minute and let yourself unwind the exhaustion always caught up to you.

He was also happy to be able to spend time with his family and soon Niall would join them. He was ecstatic about that but also a little nervous. He was nervous, no it was more than that. He was afraid about several aspects about that Niall would arrive and spend almost two weeks with him at his family home together with his family.

They had been able to pretend and fool people about the nature of their relationship at Nick’s party. This would be different though because this was Shawn’s family. They knew him better than anyone else, except maybe Niall. He had taken acting classes but he knew fooling his family would not be easy, not at all.

He knew he could just not, not pretend and just come out and admit to their relationship and then he wouldn’t need to go on eggshells around them when Niall arrived. Niall would probably be so happy and proud of him if he came and Shawn presented him to his parents and Aaliyah as his boyfriend. He could do that theoretically, thinking it and then actually doing it practically was two completely different things, it would not be easy. He did not think he had the courage to do it, not with the uncertainty.

He didn’t think it would end badly. His family loved him and they were not close-minded people, far from. Thinking and knowing was two different things though. Everyone had heard the stories about families being accepting and happy to support everyone until it was _your_ son or daughter that was the one dating someone they hadn’t imagined for them. Again, he didn’t think that would ever be his parents but there was a _what if_ nagging at the back of his mind. Even with everything he was still afraid and the unknown outcome scared him more than he wanted to admit.

He signed. One of the first things Aaliyah had said when he had come home was to ask about the London girl that he had, flown half the world for to woo off her feet, Aaliyah’s words not his. He had tried to say as little as possible, if he stayed silent it was less risk that he would say too much and share something he didn’t mean to share. It was hard though, keeping up the charade and the lies that he knew would only pile up.

He would face his fears he decided. He had to for Niall. He sighed and paused the episode of _Grey’s Anatomy_ he was watching. He had started watching the hospital series on the flight home and he was hooked. He hadn’t been able to concentrate on the episode now though, not with all the thoughts swirling around inside his head.

He took a deep breath. He needed to get a grip. Maybe he would get the courage when Niall was there, maybe they would just know and say something themselves and it would just be fine and he would have worried in vain. There was a lot of maybes but he at least had to try.

It was his family for fucks sake and if there was anyone he knew he could trust it was his mum, dad and sister. He knew their secret would be safe with them. Just as he knew it would be with Niall’s friends and family as well. He wanted so badly to be ready and he would try but he couldn’t even promise himself he would be able to do it. He knew he had to though because they couldn’t continue like this forever.

He put his computer to the side and picked up his guitar instead. Sitting on the edge of his bed he started to play some chords and letting his creativity take over. The best way to deal with too many thoughts and emotions was to write about them and act them out. Pen and paper laid beside him and soon it was filled with new scribbles. A song slowly taking it’s beginning.

**SHIALL**

“Shawn, can you come and help me honey?” Shawn woke up with a small jerk. He had worked on the song for a few hours and then he must have fallen asleep. Now his mother was calling from the hallway outside of his room.

He took his hand up to his face and rubbed at his eyes “coming mum.” As he opened the door he saw his mother standing in the hallway with bed linen in her hands and a fond smile on her face.

Her smile turned into a smirk and she reached out a hand to brush her thumb at the side of his chin “you had some drool” she said teasingly and Shawn groaned. He knew he didn’t so he didn’t even comment, it was probably pretty obvious that he had taken a nap. “Seriously though I’m glad you’re resting, sorry for waking you up.”

Shawn shook his head, it was a good thing she had, he knew he would otherwise had a hard time falling asleep tonight if he had slept over dinner.

“It’s fine mum what did you want my help with?” Karen nodded and ruffed his hair. Shawn rolled his eyes at her, mothers they would always treat you as their little boy. She would probably pat him on the head when he was 40 and had kids of his own.

She took out another piece of linen from the closet that was open beside them. “Your friend Niall comes tomorrow right, so I thought we’d prepare the guest room for him.”

His family had been really excited and happy when he had told them yesterday that they would get a visitor. And even more so when they and heard that it was Niall. They knew that Shawn had become fast friends with Niall and they looked forward to meeting him.

Shawn smiled but then he thought about what his mum had really said and his eyes widened, his mum wanted to put Niall in a guest room. “No…” he trailed of after he had uttered the faint protest. If they had been just friends that would have been the logical thing to do, they had the space so why would they share a room.

If Niall was in the guest room though and they would have to pretend when around his family, when would they get to be them and act as the couple they truly were? When would they get to say and do the things with each other they longed to do. They needed a safe space where they could just be together. Shawn needed Niall to be with him and to be able to be close to him, smell him, feel him.

He closed his eyes. This was an opportunity to tell his mum, it was an opportunity to stop lying. “I want Niall to stay with me, in my room…” he swallowed “he…we” he choked up. He couldn’t say it. He wanted to say that they were more than friends but the words would just not leave his mouth.

His mum just raised an eyebrow. He knew it must look weird him stuttering like that and not making much sense. If he couldn’t tell the truth why he wanted Niall to stay with him he would have to lie. He needed a reason why Niall would sleep in his room instead of the guest room, and it needed to be good to not have his mum suspect something.

“We will write music” keeping it profession, that was a good start “and you know how creativity happens all the time, so we could be up working all night.” Karen just tilted her head and looked at Shawn as if she was analyzing him trying to decide if he was telling the truth. It wasn’t the whole truth but it would probably happen non-the less. He had written some of his best music in the middle of the night.  

After what felt like an eternity but was most likely just a second or two his mother nodded and handed him the linen she had been holding on to. “Makes sense I guess and he could always move to the guest room later if it gets too crowded” Shawn let out a relived breath “take these to your room and I’ll get the extra bed.”

Shawn went back into his room with the bed linen for the extra bed his mother thought Niall would be using while staying with them. Maybe he and Niall could push the beds together and make it a double bed.

He put down the bed sheets on his own bed and took up his phone writing Niall a message. _Can’t wait to see you tomorrow ♥ Making a bed for you in my room, we can make it a double!_

He could hear Karen in the hallway and knew he should put his phone away and go and see if she needed help with the bed. He got a text back from Niall before he could make himself act on that thought. _Niall James Horan: Me too love, I just finished packing. I’d rather share a single bed with ya._

Shawn smiled and looked at his bed. It was a normal queen-sized bed. Niall was right he would rather share that as well. He couldn’t wait to be in Niall’s arms and have him hold him through the night. Sharing the same space being as close to each other as possible.

Shawn wasn’t aware but Karen had opened the door while he had looked to the side with a content and longing smile on his face. She let the moment pass without disturbing him. She was happy knowing that her son was happy and had found what he was searching for even if that was something he did not yet want to share with her.


	26. Nina

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shawn decides to surprise Niall when he arrives in Toronto. Aaliyah has a lot of questions and tricks Niall into telling her what she wants to know.

**Chapter 26: Nina**

He knew he shouldn’t have come here but he really couldn’t resist. Shawn looked around the airport and sighed, it was not that crowded which was probably due to the fact that it was still quite early in the morning. Beside him Aaliyah was standing looking a little restless.

No one knew Niall and his band was flying in to Canada today and no one was expecting Shawn and Aaliyah to be at the airport waiting for them. Even so it was best to be cautious so they both had on hoodies and sunglasses to be less recognizable and they were also standing a little to the side to not draw that much attention from people around them.

He liked the fans and loved being able to make their day by just taking a photo with them or give them a hug. Being able to make other people happy was something Shawn valued a lot with his work. Today was not the day to do that though, having them swarm him and then Niall arriving on top of that would just draw attention to things that was better left out of the public eye.

Being here and being reunited with Niall out in public was a really bad idea as it was, he didn’t know how he would be able to not hug him and just not let go. How to hold himself back from greeting him with more than a friendly slap on the back. He should have sent someone from his team instead to pick Niall and his band up.

He told himself it would be worth it though, even if not being the smart move it would be worth it. Shawn couldn’t wait to see Niall’s face lit up when he spotted him. He couldn’t wait for when Niall would speed up his steps to get to him faster. Even if they couldn’t show any public display of affection, couldn’t act as a couple they would be together again and that was what really counted.

He hadn’t told Niall he would be at the airport greeting him, Niall thought he would be at home waiting for him to arrive. It would be a surprise, just as that time when his mum and Aaliyah had blended with the crowd of fans and surprised him when he returned home last November.

Aaliyah nudged his arm “when is he supposed to be here?” she asked a little impatiently. When he had been about to leave that morning Aaliyah had caught him and convinced him to bring her along. He couldn’t really say no as he didn’t have a good reason to do so, Niall meeting his sister first wasn’t such a bad idea either if you thought about it. That way it wouldn’t be everyone at once. Aaliyah seemed very excited and it was probably also because of which that she was a bit restless.

He was about to check the time to be able to answer her question when people started to exit into the waiting hall. He looked up at the board and saw that it was the plane from London. Aaliyah looked up and scanned the people arriving but Niall was nowhere to be seen.

It took about five minutes and everyone else had probably already left the plane before Niall rounded the corner. He was accompanied by a few other men and they were all talking and laughing with each other. Niall’s laugh being the loudest of them all and Shawn felt a tingle in his stomach and couldn’t help but smile at the sound and sight in front of him. He had missed hearing that laugh like this in the weeks they had spent apart from each other.

Niall looked maybe a bit tired but otherwise healthy and vibrant, like the sun Shawn thought not for the first time. He was shining like the sun. Aaliyah once again nudged his arm, Niall had stopped to say hi to a few girls that had approached him a bit star struck not believing their luck.

Shawn looked down at his sister who looked between him and Niall frowning “why is he wearing your hoodie?” Shawn blinked and felt how he became warm and how his hands and forehead started to become a little sweaty.

He looked back at Niall, he hadn’t even thought about it. Niall usually used his hoodie for long flights after that first time he had taken it, said it was very comfortable and warm and that it felt like home. Shawn had melted when he told him that as it meant that Shawn was what Niall thought of as home.

He loved Niall using his clothes and normally it wouldn’t be a problem, even if it was too big for him it was rather discreet and you wouldn’t be able to tell that it was originally Shawn’s. Some people also liked having baggy clothes so it wouldn’t raise any eyebrows. Of course, Aaliyah would recognize it though as his and think it strange.

He would have to come up with an excuse and fast. “Ugh, I… I probably forgot it at his place the last time I was there and he’s bringing it back to me now” that was as good an excuse as any. Even if you normally wouldn’t wear clothes you were bringing back to people.

Shawn didn’t want Niall to give back the hoodie though, he wanted Niall to have it and for him to wear it as it looked better on him anyway. He had pictures to prove it. Niall taking it of wasn’t bad either though he reflected, licking his lips unconsciously. He had pictures of that too he thought. He shook his head before getting caught up in memories although pleasant, it was not the time nor place for. He really hoped he hadn’t started blushing because of his brief reminiscing.

Aaliyah looked at him a little skeptically but shrugged as if she thought it weird but accepted the explanation anyway without further inquiries. Shawn sighed in relief it seemed he hadn’t been as transparent as he feared after all.

When he looked back towards the arrivals Niall seemed to have wrapped it up with the girls. Shawn took off his sunglasses but kept the hood of his sweater up. One of the men with Niall had looked around just then and his eyes and Shawn’s met. The man got Niall’s attention and then he pointed in the direction of where Shawn and Aaliyah were standing.

Niall looked their way and when he met Shawn’s eyes his eyes widened and Shawn smiled a little hesitantly until Niall’s face split into an even brighter smile than he had been sporting before he looked Shawn’s way. Shawn hadn’t even thought that would be possible, there was also something else over him something different when he now looked at Shawn compared to how he looked at his band.

Shawn had never really thought about it. Never been able to observe it firsthand. But now he saw it clearly how it wasn’t the same, how he looked at Shawn and how he looked at others. He wondered if everyone could see it, he hoped not. Then he wondered if that look was on his face as well? Was it just as obvious to others how differently he felt about Niall compared to everyone else he had ever met, how he loved Niall in a way he had never even dreamed about loving anyone before. 

It looked for a few tens of a second like Niall would literally just drop his bag right there and rush over to where Shawn was standing. As if he wanted to just drop everything and exchange it for having Shawn in his arms right there in the middle of the airport, like he wanted to lift him up and twirl him around even if Shawn was too long for Niall to move around like that.

Shawn couldn’t help the small happy laugh bubbling up at that thought but it turned hollow and a little empty. He wished Niall could do it. Maybe someday he thought determined, someday he wouldn’t care. Someday they would just be able to do whatever they wanted, when and wherever they wanted to do it.

Aaliyah looked at him strangely but he couldn’t muster up to care or try to talk himself out of his reaction which must seem very weird to his sister. Niall said something to his band and then he was on his way over to them, not running but still with a small sprint in his step. “Is he really _that_ happy just to see you?” Shawn didn’t answer this time either instead he kept his focus wholeheartedly on Niall.

Then Niall was there, they didn’t embrace, which was probably for the best. If they had they would maybe not have been able to let go, it was easier to keep less contact than to have to keep just enough to not be suspicious. The little contact they could get away with would never be enough anyway so it was better to wait for when they could have real alone time.

Niall was just standing there looking at him and smiling, just having him there and watching his eyes sparkle made Shawn feel things no one else had ever made him feel. It could have been seconds, minutes or even hours going by, Shawn wasn’t sure. He had zoned out everything in the airport around him other than Niall, all his senses were focused on his boyfriend.

“I didn’t know ya would be here” Niall said and his voice sounded like honey, soft and the words leaving his mouth on an exhale smoothly and delicately. Shawn couldn’t look away “surprise.” Niall laughed and said “ya seem to be good at those” the crinkles around his eyes becoming more prominent.

“I’m happy to see you” Shawn got out and Niall simply answered with a “me too.” The unsaid words, _I love you_ the answering _I love you too_ and what they were both thinking _I wish we were alone_ , louder than the words actually being spoken out loud.

“Yeah, yeah, we get it you guys are being sappy about missing each other” Aaliyah said rolling her eyes beside them, which made Niall’s band members snicker and chuckle in response. “Mum taught you better than this, Shawn you’re the host and should do the introductions.”

Shawn blinked as if he just now realized Aaliyah was still standing there watching them and behind Niall the few guys accompanying him were waiting, they looked a little curious about their interactions but trying not to look too interested, he guessed out of respect.

“Eh yeah sorry… Aaliyah this is Niall, Niall this is my sister Aaliyah” Niall averted his eyes from him for the first time since they had locked eyes before he had even headed over to the corner of the waiting hall.

Niall kept the smile for Aaliyah but the smile wasn’t the same as the one he had for Shawn. He had a special smile just for Shawn, realizing that and seeing it with his own eyes made Shawn’s insides feel funny and he had to close his eyes for a second to regain control of his emotions.

“I have seen pictures but you’re even cuter in person and you look a lot like Shawn, ya will grow up to be a special young woman I’m sure” Aaliyah smiled back. “Likewise, about the cuter in person bit of course… now you know Shawn well right, I have a few questions” she had a glint in her eyes. Niall just blinked and looked back at Shawn who was bewildered at his sister’s straight forwardness and had no idea what on earth it could be about.

“Aaliyah” he said a bit scandalized and with a tone he used to warn her that she better not do what she was thinking of doing. She looked a bit downtrodden but determined “okay, I’ll ask him later” Shawn didn’t know what she wanted to ask but he was sure it was nothing good. Best case scenario she just wanted to know things about Niall and the other One Direction guys. Worst case scenario, he didn’t even want to think about what that could be.

He looked around and saw that there were more people taking notice of their little group and they better make their way out of there. Before they left the airport, Niall introduced his band and they made plans to meet for rehearsals.

A car took the band to the hotel and Shawn drove himself, Niall and Aaliyah home. Aaliyah was mercifully mostly silent the whole ride but she was watching their every move contemplatively. Shawn wasn’t sure if he preferred her silent and observant or noisy and meddling. Neither seemed like a very good thing right now, his sister was definitely up to something.

**SHIALL**

Niall had just been let into the house, it was very homey and had a warm and cozy atmosphere. He could tell he would have a good few weeks in the Mendes household.

Shawn’s parents weren’t at home and wouldn’t be until that evening. Aaliyah would be home all day though, she supposedly had mostly own work in school at the moment which she could do from home. Apparently missing Niall’s arrival was not even something that had crossed her mind.

Niall was in awe even after meeting all of Louis’ sisters Aaliyah was a force of a teenage girl to be recon with. She seemed street smart and grounded like Shawn, wise beyond her young years, in addition to that she also had something fierce about her.

As they had made their way into the house Shawn started to show him around but Aaliyah was keeping them company. It meant that they weren’t able to get the alone time they wanted and so desperately needed. Niall met Shawn’s eyes and they exchanged frustrated glances. They would have time though, time to be by themselves just the two of them. They just had to be patient.

Shawn had just shown Niall his room where he would stay with his boyfriend. He smiled as he saw the guitar laying on the bed and beside it was the pick he had given Shawn a few weeks prior. Even if not so many people were aware of them as a couple he was already entwined in Shawn’s life not only when they were together, but in other less prominent and mundane aspects as well. There were small clues of Niall being an important part of Shawn’s life if you really knew what to look for. It made Niall feel warm and he smiled as he looked around the room.

He felt a hand on his shoulder “I’m going to the bathroom, make yourself at home” Shawn said as he squeezed lightly. Niall’s smile turned even more fond and he nodded, Aaliyah was just outside the door so they couldn’t risk saying more or doing anything together just yet.

It was enough though, _home_ , the truth was he already felt at home even if he had never set his foot in the house before today. As long as Shawn was there and as long as he was surrounded by his boyfriend’s things and presence he would feel at home. It didn’t matter where he was as long as they were together.

It didn’t take long after Shawn had left Niall alone in the room before there was a knock on the door. Niall turned around surprised “eh, come in?”

The door opened and Aaliyah entered the room and made her way over to the bed that stood against the wall. She crossed one leg over the other and looked at Niall intrigued. Niall felt a little uncomfortable as if he would be questioned by a particularly skilled and noisy reporter. He was glad for his media training and the fact that he was used to it, being under pressure and to answer all kind of questions on the spot.

“So, Niall… you’re from London” it was a rhetorical question so Niall just waited for what else Aaliyah was going to say. “You and Shawn meet up when in the same city, you’ve seen each other in London” Niall nodded, no idea where this was going. So far it seemed innocent enough and like she was just stating facts. If she just wanted to know things about their friendship he would be happy to answer her questions.

She looked at him intently “Shawn refused to tell me anything so I’m counting on you for information” the smile she sported now was absolutely wicked and it almost made Niall squirm. “Do you know who she is, Shawn’s London girlfriend, have you met her?”

Niall blinked and blinked some more. Girlfriend. What on earth… then it dawned on him. Aaliyah knew Shawn had someone in London. She must know that he had gone to London to meet someone and of course she would have assumed it would be a girl. He took a deep breath and felt how he made a small grimace before he was able to look away so Aaliyah wouldn’t be able to read anything of what he was thinking on his face.

He couldn’t decide if he wanted to bolt or if he wanted to laugh. Aaliyah was asking him, Shawn’s actual boyfriend, about a nonexistent girlfriend who in a sense was him. So really, she was asking him about if he knew about and had met himself. The only thing that didn’t add up was that he was not a girl. The irony of the situation was comical to Niall, he had to fight not to let it show on his face. He had never been very good at holding back his mirth, his laughter often uncontrolled and having a life of its own.

Aaliyah clapped her hands together and gasped “you do know her, I can tell and don’t deny it” she exclaimed. It seemed as if he had been unsuccessful at keeping his face neutral or Aaliyah was just good at reading people. Niall bit his lip trying to think about something he could say without making the situation tense and without making the lies pile up.

He really didn’t want to lie, but he couldn’t just blurt out that Shawn’s London girl was not really a girl either. He was between a rock and a hard place. Maybe he could get out of this without saying anything much at all “if Shawn didn’t want to tell you it was probably for a good reason.”

Aaliyah took a deep breath at that looking up at the ceiling looking a little frustrated. “Come on, please Niall” she said giving him a pleading look, she had the same eyes as Shawn and it was very hard to resist giving in immediately. “I don’t need details, just give me a name, what does she look like, do you like her?”

Niall didn’t know what to do. He could refuse to tell her anything but he wanted Aaliyah to like him and she was looking at him with so much hope in those brown eyes. He hesitated for a brief moment before deciding that he could tell her things about Shawn’s _girlfriend_ without saying too much. He could keep as much as possible to the truth without giving anything away.

He nodded and froze. A name, Aaliyah wanted to know what _her_ name was. Keeping to the truth was harder than he had imagined. He could maybe go with Jamie, close to James but still something not too uncommon for a girl. Then an Ed Sheeran song from a few years ago came to mind. _Nina,_ it was perfect. A girl name starting with Ni.

“Um… their name is Nina” it felt better to use them and their but maybe that would make it suspicious so he swallowed and made a new attempt. “She… her best future is probably her eyes, bright blue and uh” he had never been very good at complimenting himself so having to do so to Aaliyah was hard but he also didn’t want to give her the impression that the one Shawn was dating was subpar. He knew he wasn’t, maybe not a dream catch but not something undesirable either. It was just really hard having to be the one gushing about himself.

He though he heard a confused muttered _a celebrity named Nina_ as he paused and looked down at his hands trying to come up with something else to say. As he looked up next Aaliyah had a curious and almost gobsmacked expression on her face as she just stared at him.

“I…” he shook his head, this was hard and he was unsure if he could handle it “she, she has a beautiful laugh and she’s loyal. She loves Shawn very much, he’s very lucky” he hoped the last part was true. He knew he felt so lucky to have Shawn and he hoped Shawn felt the same about him. It still amazed him sometimes that even if Shawn could have had anyone he had chosen to and wanted to be with Niall.

Aaliyah looked at him contemplatively “Ni, let me get this straight” she said with a raised eyebrow. She seemed a little shocked still from whatever she had realized earlier, she was watching him and talking slowly as if she was processing and reining in her thoughts as she spoke. Niall furrowed his brows at the use of his nickname but shrugged, a lot of fans and other people used it as well as Nialler even if they weren’t close or had even met him before, so really it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary.

“Nina” she had said that with a pause between the ni and the na and Niall’s frown deepened. “with blue eyes… and an infectious laugh” Niall nodded. She shook her head and then she smiled. “Wow, I can’t believe…” she said and shook her head again the small smile growing on her face.

Niall thought he would be off the hook but apparently not. “How old is she, is she a Londoner?”

This time the answers came almost instantly as if on auto pilot “23, 24 in September and no, Irish actually” her smile just widened even more. “Just like you” she bit her lip and looked up at him with raised eyebrows. “Did you enjoy the surprise visit?”

“Yes, I loved it. Shawn…” he trailed off and he drew in a breath filled with dread. Aaliyah hadn’t asked if she, Nina had enjoyed Shawn’s surprise, she had asked if _he_ had and he had just answered truthfully without even thinking twice about it.

He sat down beside her on the bed and put his head in his hands. Without his intention he had just told Shawn’s sister that they were dating, he had just outed them to Shawn’s sister. Oh god he wanted to melt through the floor. Now he would have to tell Shawn that he had messed up. He remembered how it had gone down when he had had told him about Nick and Harry knowing and he felt a lump form in his throat and nausea spread through his stomach. What had he just done?

He just hoped Aaliyah wouldn’t make a big deal out of it and that she would take the news without freaking out or disapproving. His stay here had not come off to a good start. He hoped Shawn would forgive him. He just didn’t want to lie more than necessarily but by keeping close to the truth Aaliyah had been able to read between the lines.

He felt a hand on his shoulder. “Hey what’s the problem, I’m delighted for you guys” Aaliyah said as she rubbed his shoulder. “I can’t believe Shawn kept you a secret, I’m so happy he got his head out of his ass and mustered the courage to confess his feelings you know” here she paused to chuckle. “It has been you for a long time, I can’t believe I didn’t realize. He was a mess at the beginning of the year, so in love but not knowing what to do about it” Niall blinked at that.

He knew Shawn had had feelings for him for a while before they got together but that he had felt so strongly that his family had known about it and that it had made him feel so lost was news to him. He couldn’t help but feel a sense of pride and warmth spread through his chest. Shawn was the one for him and hearing Shawn’s sister now made him really see that he really truly was the only one for Shawn too.

Aaliyah laughed “so that is why Shawn wanted you to share his room instead of having the guest room” Niall resolutely kept his head down not wanting to meet Aaliyah’s eyes. He could feel a blush rise on his cheeks and was sure Aaliyah could see it too. “Mum would never allow it if she knew, hmm I guess I really better knock every time before entering Shawn’s room from now on” she said with amusement in her voice.

Niall groaned but he was also relived. Really Aaliyah finding out like this, tricking him into confirming her suspicions was way better than knowing because she caught him and Shawn in bed together. He shuddered at the mere thought, if that had happened they would never have been allowed to live it down.

He was still ashamed over that he had let their secret slip though and when Shawn opened the door he was still looking down, sitting slumped over on the bed. Aaliyah was still having her hand on his shoulder as if she could tell that he needed the comfort and strength to prepare himself for when Shawn returned.

“It will be okay you know” she said just as Shawn entered. Niall could tell Shawn had stopped just inside the door to now be taking in the scene in front of him.

“I’m sorry” Niall let out a bit desperately. Shawn sounded angry, worried and a little protecting as he spoke up “Aaliyah, what did you do to him?” his voice was also a bit higher than normal.

The hand on his shoulder was taken away and the dip in the bed beside him disappeared as Aaliyah went up and headed over to Shawn who was still standing just inside of the doorway. “I will leave you two alone now but come and talk to me later” she said and then gave him a look before adding one last sentence before leaving the room. “It was nice meeting your boyfriend, I like him.”

Niall tentatively looked up and chanced a glance at the Mendes siblings, Shawn looked stunned and his feet were frozen to the floor. Aaliyah was just smiling and shaking her head then she enveloped Shawn in a tight hug. Shawn still looked a little stiff by the time she let go. Niall wasn’t completely sure but he thought he could hear Aaliyah whispering something that sounded like “I love you, even if you’re an idiot sometimes” before she let him go.

Shawn looked at the door closing after her until it clicked shut. He turned around and looked at Niall on the bed then with wide eyes, he didn’t look angry Niall thought, just shocked. He looked between Niall and the closed door a few times before repeating two of the words Aaliyah had just said “your boyfriend.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi beautiful people (:
> 
> Several readers commented about how they wished that they could hug Shawn due to his insecurities, so Aaliyah hugging him at the end is for you guys ♡
> 
> Also I give myself a clap on the back for being sneaky and being able to include the words "just like you". I LOVE Louis' new song!!!
> 
> A little warning, I will start work in a week or two. Which is great, but the downside is that it may take longer between updates as I won't have as much time to write. 
> 
> Good luck to everyone trying for Niall tickets tomorrow!  
> Hope you will have a great weekend ♥♥♥


	27. I'll Always Catch You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of Aaliyah finding out about Shawn and Niall's relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys...
> 
> Just wanted to say that with this chapter the story is now over 100 000 words, never thought it would become that long and there's still a lot more to come. Kudos to you which have read every word and have stuck with this story throughout the months. 
> 
> Tomorrow it's a year since Niall and Shawn met for the first time at the BBC Radio 1 Teen Awards, so I wish everyone a happy Shiall-versary ♥
> 
> With that said on to the chapter and happy reading!

**Chapter 27: I’ll Always Catch You**

Opening the door and seeing Niall so subdued and Aaliyah saying what she had, Shawn didn’t know what to do. One part of Shawn wanted to run after Aaliyah and another wanted to stay and comfort Niall. He hated the fact that the decision to let someone in on their secret had once again been taken out of his hands and that he had no control over the situation but it was what it was. He could do nothing about it.

He had thought someone in his family knowing his secret would make him feel like his world had suddenly turned upside down, but somehow he felt entirely calm if a little confused and startled. He had only been gone for maybe five minutes and in that time Aaliyah had managed to render Niall to a defeated mess and apparently got the information she wanted out of him.

Shawn wasn’t angry. Not like last time people had found out about them beyond his control. This time he had been more ready and on some level he wanted them all to know, he was just too much of a coward to tell them himself. He wasn’t angry about the secret being out to Aaliyah and he wasn’t angry at Niall for telling her either. You could see that he hadn’t meant to tell her and Shawn knew firsthand how persuading and cunning Aaliyah could be if there was something she wanted to know.

If he should have been angry at someone it was Aaliyah though for laying her nose in something she shouldn’t. That she had asked around and made Niall tell her about something for all she knew Shawn hadn’t wanted her to know about. Then again, he had wanted to let her know he had just not been able to muster up the courage to tell her.

Aaliyah could wait he decided, she would be in her room when he was ready to talk to her. He had been reassured, by her smile, the tone of her voice and the chirping she had done before leaving the room, that she would not have a problem with his and Niall’s relationship.

Niall on the other hand could not wait. He was not looking at Shawn instead he was looking at the floor and his shoulders were squared. It almost looked like he was preparing himself for a fight and to have to defend himself as if he was afraid Shawn would be angry with him. It made Shawn feel a pang of sadness in his chest, his earlier reactions had made Niall think he had done something wrong now and like he would be in trouble for it.

Shawn made his way into the room and sat down on the bed beside Niall. He put his hand on Niall’s tense shoulder, the same one which Aaliyah had been rubbing earlier when he had first entered the room. Niall swallowed visibly and Shawn waited patiently until Niall took a deep breath and looked up at him.

His eyes were now without their usual light and that sparkle that Shawn loved so much. The sparkle which had been present before ever since he had seen Shawn from the other side of the airport waiting hall that morning. Now his eyes looked empty and weary and like Niall had to force himself to keep looking at him instead of letting his eyes close. Shawn could tell Niall was worried and he had to wipe that expression away and reassure him that he had done nothing wrong.

He held eye contact with Niall and said slowly and confidently “I’m not angry” saying it aloud made him realize just how not angry he was. He was actually relived someone in his family knew, and had reacted in a good way. It was all he had wanted and hoped for anyway, for them to be happy for him and accept him and his relationship with Niall. He couldn’t help but smile. Niall seemed surprised and just blinked in response to his smile. “You’re not… I didn’t mean to.”

Shawn could tell that Niall was a bit thrown by his reaction. That he probably had thought through what he would say and how he would explain what had happened, how Aaliyah had found out about them. Shawn wanted to know all of that, he did, but right now that wasn’t what was important so he just nodded “I know” if someone knew it would be him. He had grown up with Aaliyah after all. He should probably have warned Niall come to think of it.

Shawn’s smile then dimmed. “I wanted to tell my family anyway, I still want to” he looked down. He felt a little embarrassed that he was unable to and he hoped Niall would understand that it had nothing to do with him. He was so proud of his boyfriend and he was so happy to be able to call Niall his and yet he was unable to do so in front of his family.

He then realized that he wasn’t angry at Niall, he wasn’t angry at Aaliyah but Shawn was angry at himself. He was angry at himself for not being able to take that step and share their relationship, not even with the people that meant the most to him. That he couldn’t be braver, that he couldn’t be stronger for Niall.

“I wanted to and I was so close to tell my mum the other day, I had the perfect opportunity but I just couldn’t… I just couldn’t do it” he knew he should say more, explain how he had been too afraid and say why he couldn’t do it. But he was too ashamed. It was his turn to have his shoulders slumped and feeling defeated.

He almost laughed at the whole situation when Niall rubbed his shoulder just as he had done for Niall only mere moments ago. Their positions had been reversed. Then the hand was gone and he heard rustling on the bed and when he looked up Niall had made his way up the bed, he had put a pillow against the wall in the corner of the room.

Shawn looked into Niall’s eyes again and what he saw there was a flicker of something that he could only describe as understanding. “Come here, I’m going to tell ya a story” Niall beckoned him to move up the bed and join him by patting himself on the chest, Shawn obliged.

When he laid is head on Niall’s chest he could feel and hear Niall’s heartbeat. It made him feel safe and content. He and Niall were really together again, able to be close and to express their love for each other. They still had obstacles ahead of them but just lying in Niall’s arms again feeling his warmth and having one of his hands making its way into his hair was all he needed at the moment. As long as they would have these moments and the closeness between them they would be okay.

They laid there probably for more than a minute just being there together as a couple again before either of them spoke. They both needed the closeness and just to be able to feel the other’s body against their own.

“That evening before we got together… when you came to the house and we had a date, even if we just called it hanging out” Niall started his story and Shawn nodded. He remembered that night as if it was yesterday but at the same time it felt like a life time ago. So much had happened since that night.

Niall chuckled and Shawn couldn’t help but chuckle too at how ridiculous they had both been. Pretending for the sake of the other and for their own fear of rejection that they hadn’t practically been dating for a while at that point already. In hindsight it was so obvious that it had been a date.

“That evening I had decided I would tell ya about me feelings, I had been so determined and throughout the night I had several opportunities but every time I let the moment slip between my fingers and told myself I would do it the next time…” Shawn closed his eyes just listening to Niall’s voice.

He hadn’t known that, he had felt throughout the night that there had been something Niall had been holding back from talking about but he would have never had guessed he had been close to bare his heart and take a leap of faith.

“In the end though I couldn’t do it, I always chickened out too afraid for losing what I already had, too afraid of losing you even if just as a friend” Shawn swallowed and turned his head kissing Niall’s collarbone through his shirt. Niall was really opening up and sharing his deepest feelings and fears with him and by doing so showing him that his insecurities and fears were normal, that he could be afraid and that was okay. Shawn felt so lucky to have such an understanding boyfriend.

He felt an answering kiss to the top of his head and he smiled through the lump of emotion in his throat. “Thing is if the truth hadn’t come out, if I hadn’t overheard ya maybe we wouldn’t even be together here today and maybe I wouldn’t be able to do this” Niall scooted down a bit on the bed and then Shawn was lying on top of him. Niall looked in his eyes smiling up at him before he kissed him.

It was the first kiss they shared since Niall had come to Canada and it was filled with emotion, reassurance, understanding and belonging. Shawn knew whatever happened he would have a place here in Niall’s embrace. The kiss wasn’t deepened, wasn’t taken further than the press of their lips against each other, it didn’t need to. Just the simple act of a chaste kiss held more meaning and emotion than any further words could have.

Shawn understood what Niall wanted to say, that sometimes taking a chance can be worth it, sometimes the chance of a good outcome is far greater than the risk of rejection. Sometimes you just have to take that step into the unknown to be able to have the happiness that you truly desire.

He still wasn’t sure if he would be able to do it though, if when he was faced with the opportunity to take that step that he would be able to let go of the control. To see beyond the fear and instead see the chance, the chance of it going well and them being able to be more free. Free to be together and free to be themselves. God how he did want that.

Niall had shared his fears, Shawn took a deep breath. He knew he didn’t need to but he felt like he should do the same. He wanted to talk about it even if it was hard “it’s like taking a step out from a cliff and falling not knowing what will be down below, the only thing you can hope for is that you won’t crash and burn” he knew he was being over dramatic but it was how he felt.

Niall hummed a little and Shawn lowered his head just hugging Niall tight and drawing in deep breaths against Niall’s neck. His smell making him feel at ease and relax even with all the swirling emotions running through his body. “You wouldn’t crash, I’ll always catch you” Niall made it sound simple and maybe it was.

Shawn felt the swirling emotions swell and overwhelm him. He could feel how his breathing became a little shaky and he felt like he could cry because Niall was there and he would always be there for him whatever happened. It wasn’t just Niall though either, Harry, Nick, Louis and Aaliyah would be there for them too no matter what his parents and later the public would say.

He couldn’t help but smile through his emotions. Niall had both reassured him that his fears were valid but also somewhat put them to rest because even if Shawn couldn’t do anything about the outcome he could be absolutely sure about that whatever happened it would be okay. Because they would always have each other and that made Shawn feel confident of the fact that they could face and overcome any setback and bashing they may encounter in the future.

His smile widened against Niall’s skin when he thought about his sister. “Aaliyah took the news of our relationship rather well, didn’t she?” Shawn could feel Niall’s body vibrate under him as he let out a chuckle.

“Yeah, she did seem a little shocked at first but other than that she was probably mostly bereft over that she hadn’t figured it out on her own before now” Shawn shook his head and snorted, that sounded just like his sister always wanting to be one step ahead of everything. Shawn loved her and he could just hope that their parents would have a similar reaction if, no _when,_ he would finally muster up the courage to tell them.

Suddenly he felt Niall’s hands on his lower back and he was brought down more snuggly against Niall’s body under him and for a few seconds he just melted against Niall’s frame and let the physical and arousing feelings take over.

He let himself be guided into another kiss, this time it went deeper almost instantly and he almost lost himself in the feelings of being reunited and connected so intimately with Niall again. When the kiss broke Niall looked at him with the sparkle back in his eyes and he wiggled his eyebrows. “Since we’re alone, finally we can do… things” Shawn shook his head affirmatively even if a little nervously, but then he thought about it and instead a frown took over.

He wanted nothing else than to stay with Niall and do _things_ , reconnect with him on all levels. They still had never even been naked together though which made him nervous but he really looked forward to them being intimate together with each other and not just in front of each other. This was his childhood home though and even if Aaliyah knew about their relationship he had no desire to risk her walking in on them.

He looked sadly down at Niall “I want nothing more but I should probably go and talk to Aaliyah” Niall let go of him and let his hands fall from Shawn’s body, Shawn missed them instantly. “That can’t wait?” Shawn wanted to say yes but he knew he had to stop them before they went further and wouldn’t be able to stop at all.

“If I don’t show up soon she will probably come here knocking on the door and open it shielding her eyes asking if it’s safe to look” Shawn said rolling his eyes, he loved his sister but sometimes she could be a pain in the ass. When you wanted privacy to be with your boyfriend would definitely be one of those times.

Niall laughed and shook his head “she wouldn’t” Shawn sighed and nodded “oh yes she would.” They both laughed at that even if it made them have to post pone any intimate activity until later. Preferably until the house was empty Shawn thought, having Aaliyah walk in would be bad but having his parents see anything of that nature or even hearing anything even slightly suspicious would be infinitely worse.

He scooted down on the bed a bit so that he again could lay with his head on Niall’s chest and have the other man embrace him. He would go and talk to Aaliyah soon, he just needed a little more time in the arms of the one he loved. Just a few more minutes.

**SHIALL**

Aaliyah sat at her desk and was _trying_ to write an essay for school. She should really get it done as it was due the day after tomorrow but her mind was preoccupied. She had only written five sentences over the last 45 minutes and they were all rubbish she would have to start over.

She would do so after she had talked to Shawn though she decided as there was no way she would be able to concentrate before that had happened. Even though she had gotten a lot of answers from Niall she still had so many questions, she wanted to know everything about Shawn and Niall’s relationship. She almost squealed, they were in a relationship.

She shook her head and laughed at her own fangirl moment as she closed her computer. She had been shocked when she realized that everything Niall was saying pointed to that he was Shawn’s London girl. London _boy_ she corrected herself. That was probably what had thrown her off her game, that Shawn would be involved with another boy had never even crossed her mind when thinking of potential partners as she was trying to figure out who he was dating. Why would it have she thought, this was the first time he had ever shown to have that inclination.

There had been rumors of course with people assuming things and saying that Shawn gave them a gay vibe. Shawn had at the time quieted them down by stating that it was not a bad thing to be gay but making clear that he wasn’t. Saying that even if he had been gay it shouldn’t make a difference and that it shouldn’t matter. Aaliyah had been very proud of him when he did that video. But also because of that Aaliyah had thought that she didn’t have any reasons to go beyond thinking that Shawn had a girlfriend when he started a new relationship.

Thinking about it now though it being Niall that had turned her brother’s world upside down shouldn’t be surprising. For months now when Shawn had been home he had mentioned the Irishman more than any of his other friends. There was also something different about him when he talked about Niall, a more tender smile and that look in Shawn’s eyes that made them shine. Then there had been this morning, there was the hoodie which she was now sure Shawn had not just forgotten. The smile of pure elation on Niall’s face when he had spotted them, which had been more emotion and joy than most people would feel simply because you were reunited with a friend. It all made sense now. She should have been able to figure it out before Niall practically spelled it out for her even if unintentional.

Aaliyah then felt a small pang of guilt. She had been very forward and pried about something Shawn had not voluntarily shared even when she had asked. She hoped she hadn’t made her brother angry, that she hadn’t made him angry with Niall.

She wanted to talk to Shawn because frankly she had no idea why he had kept the relationship from her. It was obvious that it was something serious, hell Shawn had been a wreck even before it was anything. Which meant the feelings he felt for Niall must be very strong and they had probably only grown since then.

Before Shawn had gone to London she had thought they just wanted some time alone, not risk it going public just yet. She understood that especially now when it was more than just news about a relationship but also about that it was a same sex relationship. She wished that wouldn’t be a factor and that it wouldn’t make it into such a big deal, a big deal for all the wrong reasons. She knew it would though not at least with the media, it would be the gossip and celebrity news for weeks probably maybe even months when out in the open. Now she wondered though, Niall was here and even when just the three of them they had acted as if they were just friends, they had tried to conceal their relationship from her.

She and Shawn had always been close, they had always shared the most important things with each other through most of their lives. Why did he think this was not one of those things he could confide in her with, she sighed, what was Shawn afraid of?

She hoped he knew she would be their biggest fan. It didn’t matter to her who Shawn was dating. It could have been that 40-year-old someone or a homeless person for all she cared. A girl or a boy didn’t matter either as long as they were a good person and that they were good for Shawn. As long as they made Shawn happy she would be more than happy to support them.

It being Niall only made it better, made her even more excited. Niall was a great guy that she had no doubt was right for Shawn on so many levels. And she looked forward to observing them interact now when she knew the true nature of their relationship. 

She looked at her phone, it had now been one hour since she had left Shawn and Niall alone. And there was still no sign of Shawn. Standing up Aaliyah stretched and then made her way out of her room, she would go and check on them. She had given them more than enough time on their own to talk and reunite when just the two of them, now she wanted answers.

After knocking on Shawn’s door she waited for a few seconds but there was no response from the other side of the door. She frowned, come think of it there was no sounds at all coming from the room. Had they gone out without letting her know?

She cracked open the door and peeked inside, “Sha...” she had been about to reprimand him and ask why he never came and talked to her but her words died on her tongue. The room had been quiet because lying on the bed were the boys, asleep.

Aaliyah covered her month to not let the mixed sound of a chuckle and an “aww” leave her mouth. Shawn was making sleeping in the middle of the day a habit which Aaliyah found amusing. Niall on the other hand had probably been up very early that morning and it was understandable that he would be tired.

Looking closer Aaliyah couldn’t help but smile to herself as she looked at the two forms curled up together on Shawn’s bed. Shawn lying with his head atop Niall’s chest, one of Niall’s arms wrapped around him. They had both small content smiles adorning their faces.

Quietly Aaliyah took out her phone and snapped a few pictures of the two sleeping boys. They were so cute together and they looked so comfortable laying like that on top of the bed entangled with each other.

She was almost a little jealous. Not jealous like she imagined some fangirls would be if they knew, not jealous of Shawn for dating Niall. Niall was ten years older than her for fucks sake. No, she was a tiny bit jealous of _them_. Of them together, they had found each other and now had something beautiful and genuine between them. She hoped that someday she would find that too, would find love that would flip her world, love that would consume her. She knew she was very young and that she had all the time in the world but love like that was hard to find. She was happy Shawn had found that, both he and Niall deserved to have that and if they could have that with each other it was even better.

She wished she could show the pictures to their mum. She knew that she would be delighted and really happy seeing Shawn like this. Seeing him so happy, content and in love.

Their mum had been worried for Shawn, they all had really. He had seemed so lost and down at the start of the year. She knew their mum had given him some advice but she had still seemed a little distressed to Aaliyah. To see Shawn now though, the complete opposite. Content, happy and in love with someone that loved him back. She knew that their mother would be overjoyed.

She couldn’t show the pictures to anyone though. She had to keep them to herself. If Shawn hadn’t told her she didn’t think their parents would know either. Maybe he had planned to tell them at dinner though. Maybe he just wanted to do it when Niall was there with them. She hoped so because not telling them would be stupid.

She would have to talk to Shawn soon but at the moment she was content in leaving them be for a little while longer. She closed the door carefully to not wake the boys up and made her way back to her room. It was a few hours still until dinner, she opened her laptop to start on another attempt at writing that essay.

Life at the Mendes household was never boring. It would definitely be a couple of interesting weeks ahead she thought as she opened an empty word document.


	28. New Meetings and Missed Opportunities

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Niall meets Shawn's parents for the first time.

**Chapter 28: New Meetings and Missed Opportunities**

The next thing Niall knew was a knock on the door, he stirred and blinked before he registered the accompanying words “…dinner will be ready in five boys” which could be heard through the door. Niall didn’t recognize the voice, the only thing he could determine was that it was female.  

He Stretched and then he remembered where he was and who he was with. He was in Canada with Shawn in Shawn’s bedroom, on Shawn’s bed. The weight on his chest and the warmth seeping through the layer of clothes between them made him smile. Shawn was like a human blanket and it was no surprise that they had fallen asleep in each other’s arms. He brought his hand down Shawn’s back and stroked his fingers lightly along the base of his spine. He could lay here forever he thought as he basked in the feeling of just laying there with Shawn, the other boy still asleep, hair ruffled and his breath ghosting over Niall’s shirt and some of his skin in small puffs.

Then he thought about what the person on the other side of the door had just said. Dinner, they must have slept for hours. It had been the most relaxing and comfortable sleep he had had for a long time. He felt an elation when thinking about that he could have this for the foreseeable future. No more having to leave after just one night. He and Shawn would be able to share a bed for weeks, months to come.

Niall glanced down at the boy in his arms and couldn’t help but sigh and feel almost too full of emotion, his feelings too big for his body. He tightened his arm around Shawn not ready to wake him yet, not ready to let him go and for them to make their way out of the room. Not yet ready to leave the place where they could just be the two of them, just be together fully.

It was such a small thing, but it meant so much. Just being able to have Shawn there in his arms and feeling his person next to him. He knew that from the first night when he and Shawn had shared his bed, sleeping in a bed without Shawn in it would never be the same. There would always be something missing the minute Shawn was not there beside him. Before being able to share a bed with Shawn had been a privilege but now it would be an everyday occurrence and Niall couldn’t be happier.

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a few seconds, Niall took in the feeling and stored it away never wanting to forget how wonderful this was. Now it was time to leave the bed though even if he didn’t really want to, it was time to leave their little sanctuary of Shawn’s room. Dinner sounded so good, Niall’s stomach rumbled just at the notion passing through his mind. He let out a chuckle but his stomach was right, he was hungry. Starving even, he then realised he had not eaten anything since he had arrived that morning. A home cooked meal really sounded like a fantastic idea.

Niall then froze, he hadn’t even thought about it. Dinner at Shawn’s house, Shawn’s _family_ house. Which meant that he would meet his parents and that the woman on the other side of the door had to have been Shawn’s mother.

Niall was very grateful she had just knocked and said her message through the door. He shuddered, even if Shawn was not angry about Aaliyah finding out it would have been bad if his mother had just walked in with them entangled on a bed like that. Shawn should get to tell her not having her find out about them by mistake by finding her son asleep on top of Niall.

He felt his heartbeat speed up being nervous about meeting Karen and Manuel Mendes. It would be fine he told himself before he started to wake Shawn up gently. He took up his hand to Shawn’s face and swept a few curls out of the way before he swept his thumb over his cheek “wakey, wakey ya sleepy head.” He chuckled at the adorable little frown Shawn displayed before shaking his head.

“Niall… don’t leave” Shawn was mumbling still being under a light slumber. Niall just kept caressing his cheek while he shook his head. He wouldn’t leave, not for a long time. Preferably never but even he knew that was unrealistic.

Shawn leaned into his hand then and slowly opened his eyes. Niall smiled down at him fondly, Shawn’s milk chocolate colored eyes looking back at him blearily. “You’re here?” Niall furrowed his eyebrows “why wouldn’t I be?”

Shawn looked even more confused before shrugging “I… I just dreamed that you left, again. One of us have always had to leave before or when we wake up together” Niall couldn’t help to bite his lip. They finally didn’t have to leave each other right after they had reunited. Not this time. He said as much to Shawn and his responding sleepy smile made Niall feel a pleasant rush through his body all the way to his toes. Shawn was adorable when he had just woken up and he could finally appreciate it.

There were so many things and moments as a couple they had yet to experience, sleepy mornings snuggled up in bed being one of them. He couldn’t wait until they could have a lay in together and share some breakfast in bed. Small domestic things like that was something Niall looked forward to immensely to be able to share with Shawn.

“Boys… dinner is getting cold” was shouted from somewhere in the house, it was just heard through Shawn’s closed door.

“Dinner?” Shawn asked and Niall’s stomach once again made a noise in protest at being reminded of food but not being fed. Niall cursed a bit under his breath, he had totally forgotten about why he had woken Shawn in the first place. Looking into Shawn’s eyes, hearing those sleepy mumbles and seeing that bright smile had erased every thought Niall had had beforehand. Now it was probably ten minutes since Shawn’s mother had told them that dinner would be ready in five.

Shawn laughed “come along then, I’m sure my parents are dying to meet you and you really want to meet my mums cooking” Niall felt the colour drain from his face. He tried to smile, what if they didn’t like him. Harry had said it would be fine but he was still nervous and could feel his hands becoming a little sweaty.

Shawn ruffled his hair “don’t be nervous, they don’t bite or anything” Niall was about to respond but Shawn didn’t let him “they’ll love you, not as much as me but…” Shawn smirked and wiggled his eyebrows and Niall felt the tension leave his body.

It was marvelous how Shawn could just say one thing and by doing so make everything feel so much better. They both had that effect on each other, they both knew what to do to be just what the other one needed.

Niall smiled and shook him head, how they could be so in synch and attentive to each other already was beyond him but he wouldn’t complain. Sometimes it felt like they knew each other better than they knew themselves. He had never had that before, once again he was marveled by how special his and Shawn’s relationship was. How special their love and connection was.

Niall leaned up and kissed Shawn’s smirk away, they were both smiling fondly at each other for a few seconds before the moment was broken. They made their way towards the door and was almost all the way there and out of the room before Niall remembered that he had a gift with him for this moment when he would first meet Shawn’s family.

He stopped and Shawn turned around in the doorway looking at him questioningly. “I have to get something, go ahead and I’ll join ya in a few minutes” Niall explained, it looked like Shawn was about to ask something but then he shrugged and nodded before leaving the room.

Niall searched his bag until he found the plastic bag with the muffins he and Harry had made the other day. They were a little mangled but not too bad and he knew how amazing they tasted so it would be fine.

Niall took a deep breath before he made his way out of the room too and walked down the hall towards the kitchen to join Shawn and his family. He smiled thinking about how maybe someday it would not just be Shawn and his family, it would be Shawn and _their_ family. Same thing with his own family, they would also not be just his, they would be _their_ family too.

The voices coming from down the hall was increasing in volume and he smiled at the warmth they emitted. You could tell the Mendes family was one built out of love, he hoped one day that love would extend to him.

He stopped just outside the archway and wiped his hands on his trouser legs. He swallowed and walked into the kitchen to meet Shawn’s whole family for the first time.

**SHIALL**

Shawn could feel his hands getting a little sweaty. If he was nervous about Niall meeting his parents he could only imagine how nervous Niall must be at the moment. He wasn’t really nervous about his parents liking Niall, he knew they would. Niall was amazing in every way and his parents would see that.

The things Shawn was nervous about was that his parents would see right through them. That they would be able to tell almost immediately that he and Niall were together and even if that was not a bad thing, it still made him nervous.

He didn’t even know what he wished would happen, that they would just eat and talk and nothing would happen except for his family getting to know Niall better. That his parents would figure it out and then it would be over, and he would know for sure that they would be okay with it. There being an opening and that he would be able to share the news about the nature of their relationship on his own. There were so many possibilities and even more possible outcomes. He didn’t know what he wanted to happen tonight, he swallowed it wouldn’t do much to worry about what may or may not happen. It would be fine, he just had to take it as it happened.

His dad chuckled at a story Aaliyah had just told him but Shawn had no idea what she had said being too wrapped up in his own thoughts. He was brought back by his mum “… Shawn?” He shook his head, how long had his mum been talking to him? “Sorry” he said sheepishly.

“I asked you where Niall is, he’ll join us right” Shawn nodded and was about to answer when they could hear footsteps coming towards them from the hallway.

Shawn looked to the entryway and couldn’t help but smile as he laid eyes on Niall who had stopped just a meter or so inside of the entrance to the kitchen. He took in a deep breath and tried to steer his eyes away but it was hard. Niall looked a little flushed and as if he would start to fidget any second, Shawn could tell he was nervous and wanted to make a good first impression on his parents. It was adorable.

Shawn felt happiness bubble in his stomach. He was in a room with the people he loved the most, his family. He hadn’t realized before now how much he had wanted this moment to happen. Now he could share Niall with his family and show them how wonderful he was. He also wanted to show Niall where he came from and give him a chance to get to know his parents, which were very important to him.

Shawn wished he would have the courage to just make his way from the table and to Niall’s side before taking his hand in his and then introduce him to his family as, Niall Horan my boyfriend. He knew that it could be that simple. He was debating with himself and had made up his mind to just do it when he heard the scrape of another chair being drawn out. He watched as him mum made her way over to Niall and berated himself for hesitating. Now it was too late.

“Hello Niall, I’m Karen, Shawn’s mother. I’ve heard a lot of wonderful things about you” Shawn could hear the teasing in his mum’s voice and wanted to disappear. Niall just looked over at him and raised an eyebrow, his face splitting into a wide grin and it was as if the nervousness from before had been blown away. Shawn groaned “mum” which only made his mum and Niall laugh.

“Hope I’ll live up to your expectations then, Mrs. Mendes” Niall said. Karen waved her hand in the air before she hugged Niall. Niall looked surprised and a little taken aback but soon hugged her back, “call me Karen, with how much Shawn has talked about you it almost feels like you are a part of the family” Shawn actually buried his face in his hands at that.

He was embarrassed but he also couldn’t help but smile into his hands. Niall being apart of their family was exactly what he hoped would happen. For his mum to already thinking about Niall like that even if just to a small extent made him feel elated.

He looked over at his dad and Aaliyah and scowled when he saw that Aaliyah had a hand over her mouth as to prevent herself from laughing out load. He knew he talked about Niall a lot, he couldn’t really help it though. His dad was just shaking his head looking a little bewildered and confused as he too made his way from the table and over to Niall and his wife.

Niall and Manuel shook hands before they all made their way back to the table. Niall sat down on the chair next to Shawn’s and Shawn felt an urge to just reach out for him. To scoot his chair a little closer. He didn’t do either though, but he smiled at Niall and Niall smiled back at him, their eyes met, Shawn tried to convey how happy he was as well as see _you had nothing to worry about, they love you._

“Hope you like chili con carne? I would have asked what you guys wanted but Aaliyah said that I should leave you alone” Shawn blinked as his mother spoke. He felt a surge of gratitude, Aaliyah was the best sister anyone could ever ask for.

He looked over at his sister who smiled back at him and then over his shoulder. Niall must have looked at her too thinking the same thing. It felt amazing knowing Aaliyah had their back and that she would be there for them, helping them even.

“Thank ya Karen, I love Chili con Carne, great memories” Niall said before he filled a plate with food. Shawn then felt a brush against his ankle. Niall was flirting with him in front of his family and it was dangerous, but Shawn couldn’t help but love it. _Great memories_ , Shawn felt heat spread over his body where Niall’s foot had touched him. Niall was alluding to when Shawn had made him dinner once, even before they started dating.

After that they had a pleasant meal. Not much happened and Shawn started to relax more and more. Niall made a few additional vague comments that made Shawn think of things they had done together, it made a pleasant feeling rise in his stomach. They continued to brush against each other with their feet. Shawn even got bold enough to nick some of the vegetables of off Niall’s plate at one point, Niall just laughed and took some of Shawn’s actual food.

They had almost finished their food when Shawn’s dad asked Niall a question for the first time that night. “I really liked your first single Niall, I hear you’ll release the next one together with Shawn?” Shawn could see Niall blush a little. Niall sometimes didn’t know how amazing he was, and having his dad compliment him was making him flushed. Shawn couldn’t help but look at him adoringly.

“Thank you and yes, I have a new song called Slow Hands coming out soon, I like it and me friends say it’s good” Shawn couldn’t help but shake his head. Niall was so modest sometimes.

“Good is an understatement. Slow Hands is amazing, and it will be the song of the summer trust me. It will be at the top of the charts in no time” he had to defend Niall even if it was from Niall himself.

Niall smiled a little in disbelief “after There’s Nothing Holdin’ Me Back you mean, Slow Hands is different and out there which is good but I don’t know if it can compare with your new tune, it’s incredible.”

Shawn liked his music and was proud of his songs, but he was not about to just let Niall say that his music was not just as good. His boyfriend had so much talent and his songs really touched Shawn and made him feel things. Niall’s music was more than just songs, just like Shawn he laid a bit of his soul in his craft, opened up a bit of his heart letting it pour out into the music. It made it very special and honest. Shawn was not just saying that because he loved Niall either, he was saying that because it was true. Niall was a true musician, a true artist.

“Don’t sell yourself short, your album has something special and beautiful. It has heart which makes the songs really come to life. Your songs are just as good as mine” he flayed around a bit with his hands to make his point. He was passionate about music and Niall and to make Niall see how incredible he truly is.

It looked like Niall was about to say something else when they were interrupted by laughter. Both Shawn and Niall looked at Aaliyah who was laughing and looking a little exasperated, it looked like she had tried to hold it in but had been unable to do so. “Seriously guys, we get it you are both amazing and you like each other’s music _a lot_.” Aaliyah then rolled her eyes at them as if to show how ridiculous she thought they were.

Shawn could feel his cheeks heat, he had almost forgotten his family were watching them. He glanced at Niall who also looked taken aback and a bit pink cheeked. As their eyes met they laughed too at how absurd it all was, them arguing about who had the best songs. Arguing in favor of the other no less.

His dad didn’t seem to find it all that strange though and instead asked a new question seemingly very interested. “Can’t wait to hear it. If Shawn is that passionate about a song it has to be something extra” Shawn smiled and nodded. He had no doubt his dad would love Niall’s new song even if he most often was a bit more for the slower singer songwriter songs. “What is it about? You have a girlfriend you write about?” his dad continued his inquiries.

Shawn almost choked on air “really, dad” that was way too personal, and Niall should not have to answer that. It was also the fact that it seemed his dad had no idea that Niall and him were together, why would he ask about a girlfriend otherwise. This was an opportunity to come clean and tell them. Even if Niall had not written any songs about Shawn that he had on the album they could still come forward and tell them about their relationship now, Niall didn’t have a girlfriend but a boyfriend and that boyfriend was Shawn.

He looked at Niall who looked back at him and then he laid his hand on the table, seemingly casually but to Shawn it was an invitation. Take my hand and we can tell them together. The opportunity was laying there and staring him right in the face, he didn’t have to do it alone and yet he still hesitated.

His dad had taken for granted that Niall would have a girlfriend, he presumably thought the same about Shawn. He probably had a vision in his head for Shawn, for him taking home a girl, for him to start a family with a woman someday. He would have a vision of Shawn with a girl, he assumed the same thing for Niall and they had just met.

Shawn suddenly realized that he was even more afraid of disappointing his parents than having them reject him. He didn’t want them to look at him and feel anything else than happiness and to be proud of him. Would his dad be just as happy for him knowing the girl in his vision was actually a boy? He wasn’t ready to find out so instead of taking Niall’s hand he closed his eyes and looked down at his empty plate. Feelings of disappointment in himself arose as he heard Niall withdraw his hand awkwardly before he brought his hand up and scratched his neck.

“Eh, it’s fine… Slow Hands is not about a real event or person just a concept, some of the other songs on the album though are about an old relationship” Shawn lifted his head at that. It shouldn’t be that surprising really, some of the songs he had heard had been very emotional. Songs like that were most often written with a personal experience behind it.

Shawn had just not thought about it before, he and Niall had never talked about past relationships. If Niall had written several of the songs on his debut album about one girl and one relationship, it must have been important. He couldn’t recall Niall having a long lasting serious relationship though. Not publicly at least his mind supplied, had Niall done this before? Had Niall already had a secret relationship?

He looked at Niall who looked deep in thoughts. His dad made a sympathetic noise “sad to hear that son, I’m sure you and Shawn will both make a couple of girls very happy someday though” he said sounding confident.

Shawn didn’t know if that should make him laugh or make him want to cry. He was happy dammit, Niall made _him_ happy. Not some girl, him. He wanted his dad to know, he was just unable to tell him. The longer they didn’t say anything the more untrue statements were laid between them. The more uncomfortable and complicated it would be when the truth was finally brought to light.

“Shawn, please come with me and help me choose my outfit for the Juno’s tomorrow” Aaliyah said suddenly. Shawn looked at her and she had her eyebrows furrowed, her expression was etched between disbelief and astonishment.

“Aaliyah, I know you’re excited but that can wait we still haven’t had dessert” their mum said making Aaliyah cross her arms, but she didn’t complain. Shawn knew Aaliyah probably didn’t just want to talk clothes. She would want to know what they were doing hiding their relationship from their parents.

Shawn had almost forgotten about the Juno Awards what with Niall arriving and everything happening after that. He wondered if Niall would want to go, he hoped so. It would be something special if he was there when Shawn performed tomorrow. They had been to the same award shows before but not like this. This was just Shawn’s award show and Niall would just be there because of him. He would be there watching Shawn, supporting Shawn. It made him smile just thinking about it.

His family seemed to wonder the same thing “you going to the Juno’s Niall?” his dad asked. “Eh, I…” Niall seemed a bit thrown and Shawn shrugged smiling as if saying _why not_. He didn’t want it to seem like a big thing even if it kind of was.

Aaliyah’s grumpy demeanour then changed and she perked up and smiled in excitement. “Niall can go with me, Shawn will be busy being one of the main attractions and Niall can just hang back with me” Shawn grimaced at Aaliyah’s wording, main attraction made it sound like he was some kind of highlight at an amusement park. The idea wasn’t bad though.

He looked at Niall who was looking back at him. “What do you say, love-ly right” Shawn panicked a little inside. He had almost slipped and called Niall _love_. He had saved it but barely with making it into a lovely. Niall nodded and instead of answering Shawn he looked back at Aaliyah. “I’d love to go with you me fair lady.”

Shawn rolled his eyes fondly and Aaliyah chuckled. His mum was smiling behind her wineglass and his dad was looking at them with a raised eyebrow and an amused expression on his face.

“Anyone wants dessert?” Karen asked and Shawn remembered they had some apple pie left and his mouth watered. Niall nodded beside him but then he frowned.

Shawn watched as Niall stood up and made his way back to the entrance of the kitchen where he took up a plastic bag that had been sat down on the edge of the counter. Niall went back to the table blushing a little. He opened the bag and sat it in the middle of the table.

“I brought some muffins, hope you like them” he said. Shawn felt his insides squirm pleasantly. Niall had brought muffins knowing how much Shawn loved them. He couldn’t believe he had actually gone and baked for him and his family. They had joked about it but Shawn had never thought that Niall would actually do it. He looked into the bag and saw that they were banana flavored thinking back to Harry’s banana bread that Niall had sent with him a few weeks back.

What enamored Shawn the most though was not that Niall had taken time to bake for him and his family but the implication. He had brought a gift which showed how much he wanted Shawn’s family to like him. How much Niall wished to impress them and to get their approval.

Shawn knew that his eyes and facial expression was completely smitten when he looked at Niall, he couldn’t help it though. He felt so much love and adoration for the man sitting beside him. Every time he thought his feelings couldn’t grow Niall did something that proved him wrong, it really seemed as if Shawn’s love for him had no end. He just kept falling deeper and deeper in love with him.

He felt a desire to just lean down and kiss him. Show him how much this meant to him, how much everything Niall did made Shawn feel those butterflies in his stomach. He would show him later that night. For now he just kept looking at Niall with a small smile adoring his face and his eyes so tender and overflowing with emotion and love for the other boy.

As Shawn looked at Niall, Aaliyah had taken a muffin from the bag and had already taken a bite, very obviously enjoying the taste. “Best muffin I have ever tasted, where did you buy these?” Niall blushed deeper at that.

“I made them actually, well with a little help” Shawn and his parents also helped themselves to a muffin each. Shawn looked at Niall in awe when he had taken his first bite, even Aaliyah’s statement of _best muffin I’ve ever tasted_ was an understatement. The pastry melted in your mouth and the flavors exploded on your pallet.

“They are delicious Niall thank you, I would love to get the recipe” Karen gushed making Niall smile. Shawn felt a ridiculous sense of pride, over his family’s approval. It was just muffins, but the meaning and thoughtfulness of the gesture was so much more than simply that.

“Wait” Aaliyah said looking up at Niall “a friend, did Harry help you make these” Niall nodded and Aaliyah made a satisfied sound that almost sounded like a whoop. To their parents she said “he was a baker” as explanation.

Niall chuckled “fun story” he began before he shook his head “Harry worked in a bakery once and everyone thinks that means he was a baker, but he was actually just the cashier.”

Aaliyah looked suspicious “no way” which made Niall laugh before he reassured her that it really was true. Aaliyah seemed almost personally offended at that, that the whole Harry Styles being a baker thing was all a lie. Her reaction to the news made everyone else around the table laugh which only made Aaliyah even more put out.

They later moved from the kitchen to the living room and spent a few hours more as a family, talking, watching TV and even played a board game or two. It was all very mundane and Shawn loved every moment of it. The only thing missing was the small kisses, leaning against each other, fingers playing with his hair. The small couple things, the closeness and contact he longed to share with Niall, beyond the four walls of his bedroom. He would get there he told himself and for now this was enough.

Shawn hadn’t been able to tell them about him and Niall that night but otherwise the evening had been really nice. His parents seemed charmed by Niall like he knew they would be. He and Niall had an award show to go to soon. Where they would almost be together, Niall was in a way his plus one even if he would go with Aaliyah.

Somehow it had only been one evening but it already felt like Niall had a place here, not just with him but with them. With his family. It already felt like his parents had accepted Niall with open arms, as if he belonged among them right there at the couch in their living room. He just hoped that would still be the case when they also knew that Niall had a place with Shawn in Shawn’s bed at night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! (:
> 
> So sorry for the long wait! Hope this chapter was worth the wait?
> 
> Thank you for the kind comments. They really do inspire me and motivates me to keep writing ♡
> 
> Have to mention the AMAs. So much Shiall, don't know what we did to deserve all that to be honest.  
> The picture Shawn posted *-----------* and the hug.  
> Hope their in real life interactions will make more people into big Shiall fans? (:
> 
> I wish you all a great week. All the love ♥♥♥


	29. Juno Awards

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaliyah confronts Shawn. They attend the Juno Awards.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!  
> Just wanted to say thank you for giving this story over 100 Kudos, it means a lot ♥  
> Now on to the chapter (:

**Chapter 29: Juno Awards**

It was just after breakfast the morning of the day of the Juno Awards. Shawn was in his room, alone, Niall had just left to go and take a shower.

Shawn sighed when he heard footsteps coming from down the hall, he had known the minute he would be left alone Aaliyah would be there. He had managed to avoid the confrontation from happening last night by being with Niall all evening even after their family time.

They hadn’t done much more than just being in each other’s presence though. Shawn had realized that even with how much he wished they could do more he didn’t feel comfortable doing so with his family around. Even sleeping in the same bed was risky but he would not deny himself or Niall that closeness. He needed that closeness, the warmth, the kisses that they were able to share when alone in Shawn’s room.

Someday soon they would be able to share those moments even outside of his room, the thought made him smile. Then he remembered his father’s inquiries about girlfriends at dinner last night which made him frown instead. He swallowed, his dad had no clue and however he would tell them it would be like dropping a bomb on them. He didn’t know how to tell them gently, without it being like a blow to their notion of his future. Without it being like pulling a matt from under their feet. Without turning the world as they knew it upside down.

The door to his room was thrown open then and Shawn was brought out from inside his head. Aaliyah hadn’t even knocked before entering, Shawn was about to tell her off but one look at her told him that she meant business and that he probably did best with staying silent. She had closed the door and crossed her arms over her chest before staring Shawn down almost reprimanding. She had one eyebrow raised as if waiting for him to explain himself.

Shawn knew why she was there, her reaction at dinner last night had been rather strong and he knew she would want to talk about it sooner or later. Shawn had no intention in making this easy for her though as he didn’t know what to tell her. He was also a little ashamed that he hadn’t been able to come out and that he was keeping Niall a secret. Niall had told him he understood multiple times, even if his smile always was sincere when he said it, it was also a bit morose and it never reached his eyes.

Aaliyah signed when she seemed to realize that he was not going to start the conversation “what was that last night?” she asked him, not unkindly but a little exasperated and on the edge of being judgmental.

Shawn shrugged deciding he was going to play it off as nothing “I don’t know what you are referring to.” He didn’t want to say out loud that he had chickened out and that he was afraid.

Aaliyah made a frustrated sound “fine, I’ll spell it out for you, why were you and Niall acting like _just friends_ last night?” She made quotation marks in the air. Shawn felt the shame and guilt rise inside of him and he looked down. Even if he wasn’t looking at his sister he could tell that she was shaking her head at him and then he heard a faint chuckle “or tried acting like just friends more like.”

Shawn looked up again at that feeling slightly panicky. What did she mean by that? They had done nothing that could give them away. Well there had been the small touches under the table, the almost slip of tongue at one point, the fond smiles he hadn’t been able to wipe of his face watching Niall from the corner of his eye. They hadn’t done anything more than that though so there was no way that it could have been obvious that they were more than friends.

He must have uttered a why or Aaliyah just knew he was confused and wanted to know what she could possibly mean by her statement. But instead of explaining herself she said “you have no idea, do you” it was not said as a question but rather a statement for herself. Her earlier exasperation with him seemed to be gone and instead she was looking at him fondly and letting out a small sigh.

Shawn fidgeted on the edge of his bed where he sat. The bed was still unmade, the pillow would still smell like Niall if he burrowed his face in it and everything was just so real. His sister standing in front of him confronting him about keeping a part of himself back, keeping one of the most precious things to him at arm’s length even if he shouldn’t need to. It was becoming too much again, Shawn had to take a deep breath. He could feel the anxiety creep up on him and his breathing was accelerating.

Then he felt a hand on his shoulder which grounded him, Aaliyah had taken a seat beside him on the bed. “Even if I hadn’t known you two were together it would have been rather undeniable you know” Shawn shook his head at that because how could it be. And if it was how were they going to be able to keep it from the public if Aaliyah thought their interactions under one family meal was really obvious.

“How?” was all Shawn managed to get out focusing on his breathing and the hand still on his shoulder. The fond smile was back and Aaliyah sighed almost dreamily “the fact that you have no idea makes it even more adorable” Shawn just shook his head about to protest but Aaliyah kept talking before he could do so. “The way you and Niall look at each other, I mean seriously” Shawn was not really sure what she meant. He knew he looked at Niall fondly even when he tried not to and that just being around Niall made him smile but he didn’t think that made it obvious that he loved him or that they were in a relationship.

Aaliyah rolled her eyes “when you glance at each other and your eyes meet it’s like sparks appear, I could almost see actual hearts” Shawn burst out laughing at that because that was ridiculous. Okay sure they had shared some glances and they had held eye contact a second longer here and there than what was maybe strictly necessary but come on. Aaliyah didn’t laugh though she just looked at him seriously, she had really meant what she had just said.

“You’re serious” Aaliyah nodded, and it looked like her patience with him was almost over. “So… why are you not telling mum and dad about Niall, about how happy you are with him?” She said it gently like she understood it was a delicate topic but there also was curiosity in her voice as well as what Shawn deciphered as slight concern.

Shawn sighed and told her about his fears, about how he wanted to tell them but couldn’t muster up the courage. About how he was afraid of their reaction and possible rejection. About how he didn’t want to disappoint them.

Aaliyah had been silent throughout his explanation but when he was finished she wacked him on the head. “That’s stupid”, Shawn felt a sharp pain in his chest, he had just shared his fears with his sister and her reaction was telling him how stupid they were. He had thought if anyone other than Niall would be behind him, would support him, it would have been Aaliyah.

“Mum and dad will love you no matter what and I know you know that Shawn. You are clearly happy with Niall and that is all they will care about so get some balls and tell them already” Shawn blinked, he didn’t know what to say in response to that. He wanted to argue that even if he knew he didn’t really know, and what if him being happy wouldn’t be enough. He knew it wouldn’t be enough for everyone.

So instead he turned it around on her. “It’s not that simple, if you had a girlfriend would you just bring her home and tell them just like that?” Aaliyah just looked at him and then simply shrugged “yes” then she nudged Shawn and chuckled. “I would be more scared to tell you than our parents to be honest because no one, boy or girl, would probably be good enough for me in your eyes” Shawn couldn’t help but smile. It was true when Aaliyah started dating someday, someday far away from now, Shawn would probably be very hard to impress. He couldn’t help it though, Aaliyah was his little sister and she deserved the absolute best.

They sat there for a minute in silence after that, Shawn lost in his thoughts wanting to believe it could be as simple as Aaliyah wanted to make it. Maybe he needed someone to tell him he was being stupid and to get a grip, maybe his fears really was unwarranted. He just needed a push to see that, Aaliyah knew their parents just as well as he did, and he trusted her judgement even more than his own sometimes.

“Mum probably already knows about you and Niall you know if her snickers and looks yesterday was anything to go by, she won’t say anything though” Shawn nodded, it was a possibility. He wouldn’t be surprised at all actually if his mother had figured it out. Mothers always seemed to know these things, being there and being supportive even without interfering before their children were ready for them to do so.

“Dad has no idea though” he said instead making Aaliyah laugh. Shawn didn’t think it was funny, not really, but Aaliyah just rolled her eyes at him again “you know how bad dad is at seeing these things, it took mum forever to make him realize that she was interested.” Shawn laughed too at that and he had to concede that Aaliyah had a point, their dad was not exactly known for being the most attentive to social ques.

Maybe it wasn’t about him having expectations or a vision for Shawn, maybe it was just that he simply had never thought or had had reason to imagine another future for him. Shawn had never given him a reason to and for his dad to see that his desires and dreams had changed he would have to tell him. With his mum he could maybe ease into it but with his dad he would have to be straightforward and just tell him.

For the second time that morning the door was then opened without anyone knocking, Niall walked in with just a towel around his hips. He had a hand on the knot as if he was about to undo it the moment he stepped inside the door, but he had stopped just in time seeing Shawn was not alone in the room.

Shawn’s eyes widened, he hastily brought his hands up shielding Aaliyah’s eyes “hey” she protested almost immediately. Niall loved teasing him and Shawn knew he would drive him crazy.

They still hadn’t been naked together except over skype. He was torn between not caring Aaliyah was in the room and wanting Niall to just lose the damn towel and for Niall to hurry up and get some clothes on and having some mercy on him. Seeing him almost naked with wet hair was making Shawn warm all over and his thoughts were becoming all muddled up.

As Shawn couldn’t get Niall to lose the towel and as he shouldn’t even want to in his parents’ house as he didn’t know how he would be able to restrain himself. Oh god his parents’ house, they could have seen Niall. “Niall, you can’t just walk around in a towel my parents could have seen you” Shawn said still wide eyed.

“You walk around in a towel all the time, the biggest difference is that Niall has some chest hair and you don’t” Aaliyah offered from behind Shawn’s hands sporting a pleased smile when Niall laughed in response, Shawn felt his cheeks burn as he couldn’t help but look at Niall’s chest and the dusting of hair there.

Shawn was still holding his hands over Aaliyah’s eyes and to Shawn’s delight and horror Niall seemed to take that as an invitation to keep teasing Shawn for a bit. Niall winked and did a little pirouette before he made his way over to his suitcase where he had to bend over making Shawn feel all kinds of flustered. He would have looked away if he could, but he found himself unable to.

He groaned making Niall chuckle. If this kept going he would soon have to cover his lap with a pillow and Aaliyah would know what was going on, he shuddered feeling mortified by that prospect. Niall seeming to be able to read his mind and knowing Shawn couldn’t take much more hastily took out a pair of underwear and a t-shirt and was soon covered.

Shawn let out a relived breath and took away his hands from over Aaliyah’s eyes. She was smiling wickedly and looked between Shawn and Niall and back to Shawn “whoa the sexual tension right now” she said making Shawn turn red like a tomato. He knew she was just teasing and this was something he had to get used to but it was still embarrassing. Having Aaliyah being so okay with it though, okay with them on every level made a warmth spread through his chest.

Niall just laughed hard and in an instant Shawn forgot about his embarrassment, his own smile spread over his face as he watched Niall’s eyes crinkle as his laugh bounced around the room before Niall met his eyes and smiled back at him warmly. Aaliyah muttered something about seeing sparks and hearts again, but Shawn didn’t really listen. Sometimes it was hard to focus on anything else when Niall was in the same room and looking at him like that.

Not long after that Aaliyah had decided that she would help Niall choose his clothes for the award show tonight. Even if they weren’t publicly out they could still be colour coordinated apparently and Shawn already having a suit for the carpet and an outfit for his performance it was decided Niall would also wear black and white. Aaliyah would wear black as well making it less apparent that they were wearing colour matched outfits.

**SHIALL**

The cheering when people noticed Shawn was almost defeating, Niall couldn’t help but smile. The excitement was tangible in the air and he knew tonight would be something special. Shawn had told him about his performance and it sounded amazing, the production would be very cool and powerful. Niall couldn’t wait to watch it.

He and Aaliyah let Shawn walk ahead on the red carpet to take some photos get interviewed, take photos with the fans and all of that. Shawn looked very handsome as he walked casually down the carpet. He had on a simple white shirt under a black suit.

Niall had to shake his head a little to stop staring and following Shawn’s every step with his eyes. It was nice being at one of these events as support instead of the performer or nominee, to be able to just watch and enjoy instead of being the one in the center of it all. He could just lean back and enjoy the show, watch Shawn and not from backstage but from the crowd, sitting with Shawn and his family.

Shawn’s parents would join them for the actual show later. Him and Aaliyah had decided to be there for the red carpet as well and had therefore joined the crowd surrounding the carpet. At first people hadn’t reacted much, too focused on the happenings on the carpet but Shawn had to have looked his and Aaliyah’s way when walking past because now more and more people seemed to take notice of them being there supporting him.

People started taking pictures of them as well as Shawn who had now stopped just a bit ahead of where they stood doing an interview. Niall humored them and took a few pictures with a few squealing girls but he wished they wouldn’t make him being there such a big deal as it was a night honoring Canadian music and artists and he didn’t mean to steal their spotlight.

It was kind of a big deal though, him being there. With Shawn, for Shawn. He wasn’t there for work he was there supporting his boyfriend. Then Aaliyah nudged his arm and he blinked. She pointed at to where Shawn stood now looking back at them, waving a little and then making a small come here motion with his hand “go, I’ll see you in there later” Aaliyah said and almost pushed him onto the carpet.

Niall felt a little misplaced as he had not really dressed for walking the carpet. Then again there were always someone that had something weird on these events or that dressed casually but comfortably more than elegantly. Louis had probably worn more tracksuits and hoodies than suits through the years. He hadn’t even packed that much fancy clothes and with Aaliyah having had rules for them to be somewhat matching he hadn’t had that many choices. He had ended up wearing black skinny jeans and a black Henley with some embroidered white flowers on the front. It would have been a nice performance outfit come to think of it.

The crowd cheered even more and Shawn smiled wide at him before turning back to the interviewer answering another question. Niall shrugged and walked towards Shawn. He should have realized that he would get roped into walking the carpet after all even if he had been content standing with Aaliyah.

“…something that would come from your unconsciousness and it’s really nice” Shawn was saying as Niall approached. The interviewer responded enthusiastically while pointing at the small crowd behind them “I think these people will be excited to tap into your dream world” Shawn smiled and nodded before looking over the interviewer’s shoulder and smiling at Niall.

The interviewer followed Shawn’s gaze and turned half around to be able to look at Niall as well. He looked so excited at Niall’s presence, Niall supposed having them giving a joined interview would do that “twitter has been blowing up, it has come to my attention you have some special guests with you today.”

“Yeah definitely, my whole family are here” his smile was just as big as before, but it now had a more gentle and fond quality to it. Niall loved how Shawn had just said my family and not my family and Niall. He knew Shawn had said that with Niall in mind too, it was just that he was included in that and it was still something new to Niall and his chest swelled every time he was included like that.

“And Niall Horan, we just have to have a quick chat with the both of you” the interviewer was saying and motioned to Niall to join in on the interview. Niall walked the last few steps forwards and stepped around the interviewer, so he could stand beside Shawn. He had a strong urge to take Shawn’s hand or just to stand so close so that their arms would brush against each other, just for them to touch somewhere to have some physical contact. He swallowed and refrained before giving a smile to the interviewer and the crowd standing a few meters away from them. 

“As you can understand we are very intrigued by the possibility of you guys making music together and have to ask how it’s going, is there a chance of you performing it together on the Juno’s in the future maybe?”

They answered that they were working on it, telling the small lie but not really a lie that the collaboration was the reason Niall was in Canada and visiting Shawn at the moment. Shawn laughed some and joked that they hadn’t gotten much done yet as they had too much fun just hanging out but that they were excited to be able to make music together. Niall answered some questions about Canada and what he thought about Canadian music and who he thought would take home some of the awards up for grabs tonight.

When they were let go they moved together down the carpet. It almost felt like they were there together as if they had already released the collaboration. Or as if they were there walking the carpet as a unit, as a couple. Niall really wanted that someday, really wanted to be able to arrive with Shawn and leave with Shawn. Walking down a carpet confidently holding Shawn’s hand and not caring about who saw or the flashes from the cameras. They had a long way there but Niall could really see that being their future.

Niall stood back as Shawn made a few more interviews until the interviewer either let Shawn go or asked for Niall to join them. They took a few photos of Shawn and also of Shawn and Niall together. They took pictures with fans until one girl blushingly asked, “I love you and please can I have a picture with the both of you, together” Shawn nodded, and Niall came up beside him with the girl in front of them.

They didn’t really make the frame and Niall bit his lip. He wanted to make contact with Shawn and they had the perfect excuse, a fan picture. Before he could do something, he could feel Shawn’s side against his and Shawn’s arm was around his shoulders. Niall couldn’t help but lean just a little into the half embrace and glance up at Shawn with a small smile gracing his lips, just as he did that the girl snapped the photo.

Niall blushed and shook his head “sorry, ya should probably take another one” he said and the girl nodded and this time Niall smiled looking into the camera. The girl thanked them, and they separated. Niall already missed the warmth from Shawn’s side.

**SHIALL**

**“** And the Juno fan choice is… Shawn Mendes” Niall had known Shawn would win something tonight, he felt his chest expand with the proud feeling taking over his chest. He had known months ago that he would win, he had even told him so after the Brits. This was Shawn’s first Juno Award but Niall knew that it was definitely not his last.

Then he felt arms around him and the smell of Shawn envelope him. Shawn was hugging him tight, he turned his head up so he was able to whisper into Shawn’s ear “congratulations, I love ya.” Niall wished they could just stay like that for longer than the second they embraced before Shawn drew away from him and turned around to hug Aaliyah and Karen, he also got a pat on the hand from Manuel who was too far away from Shawn to be able to hug him properly.

Niall could feel himself getting a little flustered when he realized that Shawn had turned to him first, that he had hugged him before he had hugged his family. Shawn’s first thought when his name was called was that he wanted to hug Niall, it made Niall’s heart skip a beat in his chest. Just as Shawn was the first person on Niall's mind, Niall was the first person on Shawn’s mind as well.

Shawn made his way up to the stage for the second time that night. His performance earlier had been no less than magical. Niall had had the privilege to watch Shawn perform before but he was always floored when the other man took the stage. The passion radiating from him together with the staging had made it something really remarkable. He had a presence on stage that not that many artists were able to achieve, Niall didn’t think he would ever be able to achieve what Shawn was able to do when on stage. Shawn would probably disagree but Niall knew Shawn had something, something most people could only ever dream about.

As Shawn walked towards the stage they played _Treat You Better_ in the arena, he was smiling brightly while stretching out his hand to the fans along the walkway. He hugged the presenters before receiving his statuette.

“Amazing, this is incredible thank you so much. Eh, of course this award is dedicated to all my fans you guys are incredible, I love you so much. You know how much I love you. Um, not only as supporters but as friends, you guys are caring and loving, and an artist couldn’t ask for better friends. I love you so much, this is for you guys. Thank you”

Shawn left the stage and it didn’t take long after that until Niall found himself being dragged out of his seat and down a hallway “Shawn, where are we going?” Shawn just chuckled a little but didn’t stop or explain himself.

After maybe five minutes Shawn opened a door and turned on the light. It was a locker room. Shawn smiled “perfect” and went straight for the shower facilities. Niall followed a little disbelieving.

“Are we having our own after party?” Niall asked with a raised eyebrow when Shawn finally stopped in the white and green clinkers covered showers. Shawn then seemed to realize what he had just done, grabbed Niall and dodged the award shows to hide out in a locker room. Niall found Shawn’s blush and sheepish expression both adorable and amusing and couldn’t help but laugh.

“I just… wanted, no needed to get you alone, to celebrate” Niall shook his head and smiled. He wanted nothing else than to give Shawn an award of his own, but he wasn’t sure if this changing room was the place for it. What if people came looking for them, they were alone for now but who said it would stay that way.

Niall also wanted their first time together, seeing and feeling each other’s bodies for the first time to be comfortable. They would celebrate, and he would award Shawn but not there and then. “I’ll give you whatever ya want, but we shouldn’t hast into anything” he said aloud.

Shawn looked disappointed for a short second but then he looked eager “will you kiss me?” and who was Niall to deny him that. He wanted nothing more.

Niall took a few steps forward making Shawn move backwards further into the showers and into one of the corners of the room. Shawn’s back hit the wall behind him and Niall couldn’t help but grin as he closed the last distance and brought his body against Shawn’s.

They had shared several kisses before but this one was more desperate and charged. They had as Aaliyah had pointed out that morning built up sexual tension and now they finally had an outlet for their feelings.

Niall brought one hand up to Shawn’s neck and into his hair at the nape, Shawn moaned and let out a satisfied noise as Niall racked his fingers through his hair almost harshly. Niall bit at Shawn’s lower lip and did it again this time lightly tugging at some of Shawn’s strands, which made Shawn let out another groan. Niall licked over where he had nipped on Shawn’s lip, Shawn was full of surprises.

He brought his mouth up to Shawn’s ear instead “that leather jacket has been driving me crazy all night, you looked so hot up there” he whispered directly into Shawn’s ear making hot puffs of air meeting his skin. Shawn shuddered and brought down his hands to Niall’s arse squeezing before trying to bring his body even closer to his even if they already were flush against each other.

“These skinny jeans… of yours, fuck you have no idea” he breathed out making Niall feel hot all over. He was still not used to someone like Shawn finding him sexy, the compliment making him feel a little embarrassed but also smug. He could make Shawn crazy by just walking around in tight clothing just as easily as Shawn drove him to insanity.

He could feel his body respond to Shawn and he knew that they would probably end up doing _something_ with decisively less clothing soon of they didn’t stop now. He kissed Shawn one more time but this time being shorter and more sweet than urgent and passionate.

“We should stop” he had to force himself to say it because Shawn being there and them being alone made it so very tempting to take it further.

Shawn looked at him and his eyes were still on fire, he licked his lips. His bottom lip shiny with saliva and his hair slightly disheveled from when Niall had tugged on it before. Shawn smiled knowing the effect he had on Niall.

Shawn then suddenly sunk to the floor “I want to do something for the fans, will you take a few pictures of me?” Niall nodded and took out his phone. Shawn was always gorgeous but seeing him sitting there now was more than breathtaking. For the fans, Shawn was fully clothed but somehow it almost still felt like it was too personal and intimate to share with the world.

Shawn made a few poses and they found a guitar on the bench in the looker room outside of the showers which they used as a prop. After a few photos, Shawn once again licked his lips and tilted his head back. Niall took a photo and groaned. Shawn’s throat looked so kissable and his lip was glistening like it had just been kissed. The photo was somehow both innocent and suggestive at the same time. It was so hot making Niall almost reconsider his earlier decision to not celebrate with Shawn right there and then.

He took a few more pictures before they made their way back out of the locker room. Shawn decided to post two of the photos to his Instagram. The one that had made Niall groan he posted in black and white making the picture seem even more enchanting if possible.

As they walked the corridors their arms and hands brushed against each other every other step, Niall knew they wouldn’t be able to be that close for much longer. “I really want to celebrate, just the two of us you know. I want to give you a special award, you deserve it” Niall smirked as he saw how Shawn became flustered. He didn’t know exactly what he wanted to give Shawn, but he knew that whatever they did together it would be really special, and he had waited way too long for it already.

“Soon” Shawn agreed. “Very soon” Niall responded before they turned a corner and bumped into Aaliyah and Shawn’s parents which it turned out had indeed been looking for them.

Aaliyah looked accusingly at them “where have you been?” both Shawn and Niall blushed slightly even if nothing much had actually happened, except kissing, in that locker room. “Eh, we just…” Shawn started but seemed to not know how to finish “took some photos to thank the fans” so Niall finished the sentence for him. They had done that after all. Aaliyah seemed to not be fooled though and had realized why they had disappeared if her snickering was anything to go by but mercifully she didn’t comment any further.

As they made their way back to Pickering later that night Niall was still full of pride and happiness for his boyfriend’s achievements. He was also excited if a little nervous for what was to come. For them to celebrate on their own soon, celebrate not only Shawn’s first Juno award but their relationship, that they finally were together for a long period of time. Simply celebrating them and their love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried being as true to what actually happened at the Juno Awards as possible with the addition of Niall and some other alterations of course. I imagine Niall having his AMA performance clothes and Shawn had what he had in real life. I know the photos mentioned at the end in reality was taken sometime before the actual show but for my plot I changed the timeline a little.
> 
> If you want to watch the actual events that inspired some scenes of this chapter.  
> The interview which Niall hears the end of before he joins in on it in the story: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TxQrK4U9isk  
> Shawn winning the award and his acceptance speech: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MTzEve6VVy4  
> The photos he posted to his Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/p/BSZqwahhXT8/?hl=en&taken-by=shawnmendes and https://www.instagram.com/p/BSZqxa6hP2O/?hl=en&taken-by=shawnmendes
> 
> Hope you enjoyed the chapter. All the big love ♡


	30. A Face to Call Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The day after the Juno Awards. They go on a date, Shawn takes a big step and conveys his emotions for Niall through song.

**Chapter 30: A Face to Call Home**

Shawn was making his way down the hall to his bedroom, when he got there he nudged the door open with his elbow before entering the room. There had been a few muffins over from the bunch Niall had brought and Shawn figured that they deserved to indulge a bit. After all it wasn’t every day you won your first Juno award. He put down the plate with the muffins on the bedside table together with the mugs of hot chocolate he had prepared for himself and Niall.

They had been knackered when they got home the night before after the several hours long car ride from Ottawa, they had just gone straight to bed and had almost been asleep the moment their heads had hit the pillow. Shawn had woken up before Niall that morning, after carefully sneaking out from under Niall’s arm and out of bed, he had decided to prepare breakfast and take it to his room.

It was already ten am, he was so glad that they didn’t have normal day jobs with a fast schedule. Niall looked so very peaceful where he had been curled up under the duvet and Shawn hadn’t wanted to wake him up. Shawn had decided he would let the other man sleep as long as he needed even if he was sure to wake up soon from the smell of the muffins and chocolate. 

As he turned around he had to chuckle as Niall was already stirring from his sleep as the odors from the pastry and beverage spread through the room. Shawn made his way over to the bed and sat up against the wall with a pillow behind his back. He couldn’t help himself as he gently caressed Niall’s face and ruffled his hair a little, it made Niall give out a small satisfying grunt. Shawn smiled, he kept his hand in Niall’s hair as he brought his mug of chocolate up to his lips and took a sip. It was slightly too hot making him grimace, he settled it down on the table again.

When he looked back at Niall he was met with two bright blue eyes staring up at him a little blearily. “Morning” he said smiling making Niall huff in agreement. Shawn just shook his head fondly, Niall was adorable in the mornings and it was amazing to finally be able to appreciate it and really spend moments like this together. For many people it was something they could take for granted but for them just being able to spend lazy mornings in bed together was a novelty.

“Ya made breakfast?” was Niall’s first words of the day and Shawn just laughed and picked up a muffin and Niall’s mug of chocolate so that Niall could see them. “If I didn’t already love ya that would have been the deal breaker” Shawn felt that warm feeling that always crept up inside his chest when Niall said that he loved him.

Niall sat up in bed the duvet pooling around his middle, he was shirtless having slept in only his boxers. Shawn looked at him and almost snorted when he saw the hair, in addition to Shawn messing it up with his fingers it was flat on one side and disheveled on the other. Shawn couldn’t decide if Niall looked adorable with his bed head or if he just looked ridiculous, probably a bit of both.

Niall made grabby hands for the mug of chocolate and Shawn handed it over, the few minutes that had passed since Niall woke up having cooled it down sufficiently for drinking. “You’re welcome, but I didn’t really do much just heated some chocolate and brought in the remaining muffins” Shawn would bring Niall breakfast in bed every morning though if he would have this reaction. Just seeing Niall’s content smile and hearing him hum in appreciating was more than worth having to make his way out of bed instead of laying snoozing for a while longer. Even if having to leave the safe and warm space of Niall’s arms always felt like a small tragedy.

Niall drank almost half the cup before he frowned and pouted. “Hey, I should have made you breakfast and not the other way around it was you that won an award yesterday” Shawn couldn’t help but look at Niall with what Aaliyah would probably have stated was his “puppy in love” look or something as ridiculous.

Niall was just so cute though as he sat there pouting and looking disappointed. Shawn decided he had to wipe that look off his face so he kissed Niall’s pouting lips. Niall’s frown turned into a smile and Shawn nodded satisfied.

“You just coming along yesterday was enough you know” Shawn said making Niall shake his head. “I know but still…” Shawn kissed his nose just to see him scrunch up his face and to make Niall let out a surprised laugh.

Shawn bit his lip “you can make it up to me later” he raised his eyebrows and glanced at Niall feeling his cheeks pink up the smallest amount. Niall did notice though if his smirk was anything to go by.

They spent almost a full hour eating the muffins, talking, cuddling and just spending quality time with each other. They even fed each other at one point. When they were finished there were crumbs all over the sheets, which his mother would surely not be happy about. He was not really allowed to even eat in his room but rules were made to be broken. Some filling had even made it onto Shawn’s nose and into Niall’s hair.

Niall laughed and leaned forward sticking out his tongue and licked some of the filling from Shawn’s nose. Shawn shuddered because Niall had dragged his tongue slowly over his nose before going in and lightly nibbled at his nose tip. It shouldn’t turn him on, Shawn couldn’t help it though, his body stirring at the feeling of Niall’s teeth scratching against his skin.

Shawn chuckled nervously and when Niall drew his head away he had a very pleased expression on his face as if he knew exactly what his little light biting had done to Shawn. Shawn wanting to distract himself and not really deal with what he was slowly coming to realize was his sexual preferences, kinks, fetishes, whatever. He would deal with that and let himself think about what he felt and what he wanted some other day. He wasn’t ready to admit to himself what he really wanted from Niall even after what they had already done over skype. Just imagining taking that to the next level was exciting but scary and he would deal with it when it happened.

So instead of commenting on the feelings which had been brought up by Niall’s actions he just kissed him tasting the rich chocolate flavored filling, that Niall had just licked off of his nose, on his tongue. As Shawn threaded his fingers in Niall’s hair he felt them getting a little sticky.

As they parted he couldn’t help but laugh as he saw some of the filling from the muffins now smeared on his fingers. Niall laughed too and Shawn shook his head, how did they always end up with food all over themselves he thought thinking back to their little food fight before their relationship had even really started.

“We should probably take a shower” he looked pointedly at Niall’s hair which was now worse than it had been before, a real mess and with the filling as dark brown streaks on one side of his head making it almost look as if he had highlights.

Niall nodded his head and then he looked at Shawn taking him in before tilting his head and grinning. Shawn almost squirmed a bit at the attention making him flustered and he wondered if Niall could tell that he was half hard in his underwear.

Niall stood up from the bed and reached a hand out “want to take it together?”, Shawn could feel himself flush hard now. He was about to say yes, of course he wanted to share a shower with Niall. Even if they wouldn’t do more than share the water and maybe kiss a little and help each other wash. He definitely wanted to let Niall wash his hair, let him tug a little more than necessary and massaging his scalp afterwards.

He shook his head clearing his mind from his daydreaming. Niall had a furrow between his eyebrows “no?” he asked confused. Shawn sighed he hadn’t meant no but now when he wasn’t caught up in his thoughts he realized that even if he wanted to shower with Niall he couldn’t. So, he actually had to say no.

They were home alone at the moment, however it was already half past eleven and his parents sometimes came home and ate lunch so if they took that shower together there was a possibility that when they exited the bathroom they could end up face to face with one of his parents. If they saw them leave the bathroom together both freshly showered it would be no mistaking what they had done in there, _together._

He wanted to tell his parents about Niall and all but he really didn’t want them to find out like that. He would probably have said no even if they had already known about them, being caught showering with someone by one’s parents was uncomfortable at best and terribly humiliating at worst.

Someday he hoped he would not care about who knew not only about them but about what they did together. He knew that showering with your boyfriend and being together shouldn’t be something to be embarrassed about but just the idea of his family knowing that they had maybe been up to something made him feel anxious.

Niall was still standing there and looking at him questioningly his hand no longer stretched out but limp at his side. “I’m sorry… I want to, but we can’t” he didn’t look directly at Niall because it felt like he once again was letting him down. Niall just nodded though as if he had hoped Shawn would have said something different but not really surprised of his answer as it was.

Shawn hasted to explain why they couldn’t and Niall said he understood and that they would catch up on the shared showers in no time when they truly were alone. Niall tried to hide his disappointment when he left the room but Shawn had become very attentive to Niall and he could see that behind his words there were feelings of rejection and sadness.

Shawn hated to have to turn him down, he shouldn’t have to damn it and he knew the only one that was really stopping him from saying _yes_ was himself. He let out a breath and thought of all the ways he could make it up to Niall. He would not make Niall wait for him forever.

**SHIALL**

Niall was sitting on the couch in the living room waiting for Shawn as it was now his turn in the shower. Yesterday had been amazing and this morning had been too, being woken up by his boyfriend and the odor of chocolate in the air. Nothing much could beat that really.

The only thing Niall wished would be different was the worry he could see in Shawn’s eyes every time they were on the verge on doing something that could end in someone figuring out they were together. Shawn was not able to relax, and it made Niall hurt inside to see him struggle. It was unfortunate that until people knew about them, especially people close to them, they had to be careful and think about everything twice before they did them.

Niall was disappointed that he had had to take the shower by himself sure but even more so he was concerned about Shawn. It was not the showering together thing in particular, he really wasn’t keen on being caught in the act by one or both of Shawn’s parents either. He could also understand that he wanted to tell his parents on his own and avoid them finding out in any other way. What rally bothered Niall was to see Shawn holding back and being so reserved and hesitant around people he loved and with him, it really pained him. He just wanted Shawn to be able to be himself and to be able to be with him fully without any concern and worries especially when not in public.

He looked out the window and saw the sky looking gloom, dark clouds covering the sky. It would probably rain later in the day he thought. For what he knew they didn’t have anything planned today and with how it looked outside he guessed they would stay inside for the whole day.

Maybe he could make Shawn show him some childhood memorabilia, he would love to see old pictures or videos of a young Shawn. Niall smiled at the thought, maybe he would even ask Karen as he was sure she would have some really great stories of Shawn when he was little. Mothers always had the best stories but also the most embarrassing ones. With that in mind he hoped that Shawn would never ask his parents about him and how he had been growing up.

He was so lost in his thoughts that he hadn’t even noticed when Shawn had joined him on the couch. “Earth to Niall” Niall blinked and looked at Shawn who was smiling slightly.

“Sorry just caught in me head” he laughed lightly to diffuse from his more serious thoughts that had occupied his mind before Shawn had joined him. “Any plans for today?”

Shawn bit his lip and nodded to which Niall raised an eyebrow. “What do you say about going to a concert?” Shawn’s eyes had illuminated, and you could see how excited he was but there was also a bit of nervous energy about him as if he was afraid that Niall would decline.

Going to a concert with someone, that was decidedly date like. Niall grinned and decided to make Shawn ask him out properly. He knew they would not be able to do the things most people did when on a date but that really didn’t matter much as long as they knew what it was and as long as they went together, having fun while doing something they both loved. Then the fact that they couldn’t hold hands or kiss watching the concert wasn’t such a big deal.

“Are ya asking me out on a date?” Niall said it a bit cheekily and Shawn’s eyes widened as if he hadn’t really thought about it like that. His face became hot and Niall had to bite his lip not to laugh, Shawn was so easily flustered it was absolutely adorable.

“Eh yeah I guess” Niall raised both eyebrows at that prompting him to clarify and Shawn became even redder if possible “I mean yes definitely, Niall Horan do you want to go on a concert date with me?” Niall beamed in response. Of course he did, that Shawn had seemed to even question that fact was ridiculous.

It would be there first real date and Niall was so excited and happy that Shawn had asked him to go even if he had had to push him into admitting that it really was a date. Well their first date if you didn’t count the night before they confessed their feelings for each other, that had pretty much been a school book date they had just not called it that at the time. If you really thought about it Niall taking Shawn golfing was a date like event as well, back then they had been deep in denial though and obvious to the fact that they already had pretty much acted like boyfriends at the time. There had of course also been the skype dates but that was not the really the same. This would be the first time that they went out together and called it a date beforehand. Their first official date, even if just official for them.

That they were going to a concert was perfect as well, it was their element and something they both loved, lived and breathed. “Who are we seeing then?” he wondered if it would be some local lad or bird or if it was someone just being in Toronto for tour at the moment. 

Shawn was still blushing, “you know John Mayer?” at which Niall started to laugh. It was impossible for him to not know John Mayer, he had met him once or twice but in addition to that Shawn talked about him rather a lot. Niall told him as much to which Shawn looked sheepish and laughed a bit as well in response.

It was endearing John being such a big musical influence of Shawn’s. Niall liked him and his music as well and his guitar playing was sick. Shawn had really chosen a great musician to look up to. He looked forward to seeing him again and to make better acquaintances with someone so important to Shawn. John was a bit to Shawn like Don Henley was to him, a mentor and a friend. A bit like an extra dad within the industry even, someone that could give you advice when you needed them.

They had several hours until they had to leave for the concert and spent most of it bickering about which song of John’s was the best, ending up having a bit of a jamming session. Having a _The_ _Late Late Show_ styled riff off battle between their favourite Mayer songs. In the end they couldn’t really decide on a winner and concluded that John had too many good songs to be able do decide on just one favourite.

It was a lot of fun and Niall had not laughed that much or felt that relaxed in a long time just enjoying playing good music with someone he loved.

**SHIALL**

The night so far had been incredible, Shawn had of course talked with John beforehand and had some tickets reserved for them. John had just finished the first block of songs. Shawn had said he had to go to the bathroom. That was now about ten minutes ago, Niall was starting to wonder if he would have to go and search for him. They hadn’t brought any bodyguards with them which maybe they should have, it was after all a rather big risk that someone would see them and recognize them. Shawn had left in the middle of the set though so he shouldn’t be too bothered.

John had now played two songs of his acoustic set, Niall was mesmerized by the music. It was something magical when an artist just stood up there with an instrument playing from their soul. Niall was planning to do two versions of several of the songs on his upcoming album, he really wanted to make an acoustic version to really bring forward the emotion of his tunes.

He looked back at the stage which was beautiful with a background that looked like it was taken straight from Japan, the Fuji mountain and cherry blossoms. It was really peaceful and colorful, he really thought John had nailed the visuals for his tour.

Niall looked for Shawn again but he was nowhere to be found, Niall decided that he would stay for one more song before he would go and look for his boyfriend. “Please welcome to the stage, Mr. Shawn Mendes” Niall looked towards the stage and laughed at himself. John had just presented Shawn, the crowd going a little crazy, and there was a spotlight directed to the side of the stage where Shawn appeared as he walked over the stage with his guitar in hand. He and John hugged before Shawn went over to his own microphone.

Niall shook his head, he should really have seen this coming, that Shawn would join John on stage. They were friends and of course they would sing together when Shawn went to his show. Niall didn’t know if he should be annoyed that Shawn had kept it from him or just happy he would get to witness this. It was a really good surprise.

Shawn started to hum and they started to sing _Mercy_ together, after the first verse they switched over to Johns song _In Your Atmosphere._ It was a really clever mashup, the songs working really well together. Niall couldn’t stop smiling as he watched Shawn and John up there together delivering such a beautiful performance.

He felt very proud of his boyfriend, he knew how this must be a dream come true for Shawn. Seeing him perform with someone he had had as a role model for a long time, he was so happy for him. He also felt a longing for when he and Shawn would be on stage like that performing together. Being it the collaboration, _their_ song or just one of their individual songs or a mashup of two of their songs like Shawn and John were doing right now. He and Shawn had performed together but not like that on a big stage with thousands of people cheering. Niall knew when they did it would be amazing. It would be something he would never forget.

As the mashup came to an end Niall thought Shawn would leave the stage and come back to him but instead he went over to John asking him something to which John nodded his head and smiled wide. Shawn set down his guitar on the side of the stage and stepped forward to the mic while John stepped back a little instead and started strumming on his guitar.

Niall drew in a breath when he recognised the song, it was one of John’s songs, _A Face To Call Home._ Shawn just stood there singing his heart out, it was a very stripped down and vulnerable performance. Shawn was looking in Niall’s direction as he sang his eyes shining with emotion behind every word leaving his lips, Niall couldn’t breathe as the first lines washed over him.

_I am an architect_  
_Of days that haven't happened yet_  
 _I can't believe a month is all it's been_

Shawn was not just singing a song, he was singing a song for him, it was clear as day. Shawn was up there in front of thousands of people accompanied by John and singing directly to Niall and no one else. Niall knew he was just one person in the crowd but at the moment it felt like it was just him and Shawn. He wasn’t sure if the moment was so enthralling that the crowd was just dead silent or if Niall simply didn’t hear their cheering. The only thing he was able to see and hear right now was Shawn, serenading him.

_You know my paper heart_  
_The one I fill with pencil marks_  
 _I think I might have gone and inked you in_

Shawn had left a permanent mark on Niall’s heart as well. Shawn had a tattoo dedicated to music, Toronto and his love to his family and to Niall it felt like Shawn had one for him as well even if no one could see it. He could feel it. He hoped Shawn could feel it as well, their emotional tattoos that would never fade.

As Shawn started the first chorus Niall let out a breath realizing he hadn’t since Shawn had started singing. He felt breathless by the big gesture and the meaning behind it that Shawn was giving him, and in such a public way. He was showing in a way that his love for him was free and there and not held back like before.

_You never look at me like I'm a liability  
I bet you'd think I've never been at all_

Niall felt his heart swell and contract painfully because he knew Shawn still felt bad for being so hesitant and that he was so worried about them having to stay a secret especially in front of his parents. He had never been a liability if anything Niall just felt sad for him that he had such a hard time. He just hoped he would be able to help him more but knew it was something Shawn had to do himself and the only thing he could do was to be by his side. He would be there every step of the way and he hoped and thought that Shawn knew that.

That Shawn was doing this, taking him on a date even in secret and showing him so public with music how much he meant and how strong their feelings were and how much he hoped for the future. A future together, it meant the world.

_We built a yard  
With a garden in the middle of it_

Shawn was his home, when they had been separated and they had been on different sides of the world even if he had been physically at home in his house in London he had felt the most at home, relaxed and at ease when he had seen Shawn over a link, or just when he had been hearing his voice over the phone. He hoped someday they would be able to build a real physical garden though, that they would have an actual home together. Not his place and Shawn’s place but their place, their home.

_You got me swaying right along  
To the song in your heart_

Niall had to bite his lip not to get overly emotional and draw attention. He wished he could just make his way up there and dance with Shawn. His heart was pounding as the rhythm of the song, to the notes of Shawn’s voice.

_You got a face to call home…_ The last note of the song echoed in the arena and John played the remaining chords on the guitar. There was a salience for a few seconds and then there was like a damn broke and the applause and cheering resumed. It was very powerful and Niall shook his head trying to really take in what had just happened.

This was the best first date he had ever been to. Shawn had really made it so very special and he wondered how he would ever be able to take Shawn on a date now and give him something as remarkable, deep and emotionally charged with love as this experience.

He clapped his hands as in a trans and watched John make his way to Shawn to give him a hug. He hoped Shawn would just hurry up to get back to him. The date had been everything and more so far and the night was not even over yet.

**SHIALL**

John came up to him and laid an arm around his shoulders drawing him into a hug. Shawn’s heart was thumping because he had just opened up, maybe not to the world but to a lot of people. Maybe people wouldn’t know the full meaning or that Niall was the one he thought about when he chose which of John’s songs he wanted to perform musically naked and exposed like that. Him singing the words with only John playing the guitar in the background, nothing more nothing less.

Shawn hadn’t planned it beforehand, him and John had decided on doing the mashup of their songs and they had worked on the arrangement together, that was it. It had been amazing seeing it come to life and be able to perform with one of his childhood role models and inspirations turned friend, it was something he would never forget. Singing a song by himself for Niall had been a spontaneous decision made in the moment though as Shawn had felt he wanted to express his feelings though more than through words when they were alone. He wanted to make this a date Niall would never forget.

When he had whispered what he wanted to sing and how he wanted to do it to John he had simply raised an eyebrow and smiled knowingly. John had understood the meaning, that Shawn was singing it to someone special. Strangely it hadn’t made Shawn feel nervous, he was calm and he was okay with that John would know about him and about them soon. John knew Shawn had brought someone with him to the concert but he didn’t know who it was, not yet.

“Thank you” he whispered still a little taken from performing the song and the emotional discharge it had been. John just ruffled his hair a little, “you’re welcome man, that was something special” Shawn felt his cheeks warm. He hoped Niall would think so too.

The embrace ended and Shawn was eager to leave the stage, which almost never happened, to go back to Niall in the crowd. “See you backstage after the show yeah” John asked and Shawn nodded “yeah sure, looking forward to it.”

Shawn made his way off the stage grabbing his guitar on the way. The last five minutes was a blur, he had sung more on feeling than ever before. Even if it was John’s words it felt like the song fit him and Niall perfectly and he was so glad he had done it even if his heart had pounded so hard in his chest before he started to sing and exposed himself so utterly.

He went to John’s dressing room where he left the guitar before he made his way back out to join the crowd and Niall. He hoped Niall would be okay with it, that he had so blatantly displayed his feelings through song in front of so many people. As he made his way to where he knew Niall would be he felt the doubts creeping up on him, maybe he should have told Niall beforehand.

All his apprehension disappeared though as he spotted Niall who had just turned around, the smile he sported and the emotions expressed through his eyes was almost too much. He almost stopped at the wave of love, gratitude, affection, and well home he felt looking at Niall’s face and into his vibrant and shining eyes. Niall’s face really was a face to call home, _his_ face to call home.

He took his place beside Niall who kept looking at him seemingly at a loss of words but his face said more than Shawn really needed to know anyway. Shawn kept looking at Niall too to really convey how he had meant every word he had sung.

As they stood there just looking at each other John continued his show in the background but Shawn and Niall almost didn’t even realize as he went into the part of the set that had a full live band. All their senses directed at the other.

Niall sighed and his smile fell the smallest bit “that was… just thank you, wish I could show you how much that meant to me” Shawn knew even without Niall being able to touch him, without him being able to express his emotions with more than a look or a few whispered words. He understood though the desire to just embrace, to just kiss and let what they felt be expressed in that way as well.

Even with how open he had been, with how bare he had left his heart just a little while ago he was not ready to do more than that. He had already taken a big step and broken a barrier that night.

Shawn stepped the smallest bit closer so that their shoulders just touched and said “I know”. Niall smiled and they didn’t say more for a while, looking back up to the stage and to John delivering a great show with brilliant music and artistry.

As the emotions after Shawn’s performance ebbed away slightly they became more energic again and for the rest of the show they laughed and joked around with each other, swayed along to the songs and lightly kept the argument going about which one that was John’s best song.

“I think we have a clear winner now, at least I have a new favorite song of John’s and a new favorite version” Niall said then and looked pointedly between Shawn and the stage. Shawn blushed a little but yeah he felt the same way, being a big fan of John and having followed his carrier and performed a lot of his songs through the years he had special connections to many of them. The lyrics and the songs meaning a lot to him, the songs associated with a lot of great memories. Now though _, A Face To Call Home,_ would always make him think of Niall and the memory of their first date together and that was something unbeatable so he smiled and nodded “yeah, definitely.”

When the concert was over John thanked the crowd and bowed with his band before making his way off the stage and disappearing backstage. Niall turned to Shawn with a bright smile “what now?” with hope in his eyes but as if he was not hoping too much, afraid to get disappointed, for Shawn to have more plans for the evening. Shawn definitely had more plans, it was rather late being almost half past ten at night but he really didn’t want to end the date just yet and they had also not eaten anything more than some snacks during the show and a date had to have food, especially when the one you were taking out was Niall Horan.

He suddenly felt a little nervous as he had promised John to join him backstage, and if they did John would know he had sung his song to Niall. What if Niall would not be okay with that, Shawn had stopped Niall from telling people like his friends and family and now here Shawn was just assuming Niall would be fine letting someone he didn’t even really know that well being let in on their secret.

He squirmed a bit “eh actually, I told John we would join him in his dressing room after the show” He looked nervously at Niall who just beamed at him and looked excited at the prospect. “He will be able to read between the lines and know about us… is that okay?” he had to ask even if Niall’s reaction seemed very positive.

Niall’s expression turned gentle and he looked Shawn in the eyes “more than, if it’s okay with you it’s okay with me” Shawn smiled back seeing the sincerity in his eyes. He really felt okay with it, bringing Niall with him to see John and to go and see him as a couple.

They made their way backstage and through security after Shawn had showed his VIP passage card. When he stood in front of the dressing room door Shawn stopped. Niall looked at him quizzingly and Shawn swallowed and looked down the hall in both directions. It was empty except a guard speaking in a walkie talkie not really paying them any attention.

He bit his lip before looking back at Niall and reaching out his hand slightly, Niall’s responding smile was so bright that it felt like Shawn’s entire body was enlightened from within. Every time he made Niall smile like that it felt like he had made the world brighter, Shawn would never get tired of being the reason behind Niall’s smile.

Niall entwined their fingers and Shawn brought his other hand up to knock on the door. “Come in” was heard from the inside and Shawn and Niall entered the room holding hands. Holding Niall’s hand was keeping him calm and he felt more grounded knowing he was not alone doing this.

John was standing in the corner of the room doing something with one of his guitars “hey Shawn I was wondering…” he said as he turned around but stopped mid-sentence when he saw that Shawn was not alone “eh hi Niall” he looked between them and of course noticed their hands being tangled together. Shawn felt himself becoming a little sweaty and was close to let go of Niall but decided to hold on and instead of letting go held on a little tighter as if Niall was his life line.

Shawn suddenly had so many nervous butterflies in his stomach that he wasn’t sure he would be able to speak but Niall didn’t seem to have that problem. “John mate, great show tonight so happy Shawn brought me along” he was smiling politely at John before looking at Shawn were his smile turned fond and he squeezed Shawn’s hand.

John still looked a bit surprised but his expression soon turned joyful if still a bit amazed. “Wow, you serenaded Niall” he said looking at Shawn before he shook his head “I’m very flattered you chose one of my songs for that you know” Shawn was blusing hard because well. He could see that even if a bit thrown off by the news of who Shawn was involved with he was genuinely happy and that meant a lot. “It’s a very beautiful song” he was able to get out and John smiled and nodded.

John then turned back to Niall and said “thank you, I’m glad you enjoyed the show even if I’m sure you enjoyed Shawn more than me” he was smirking showing he was just joking. Shawn was embarrassed but happy John had said it none the less it showed how okay he was with this and he was so glad that it hadn’t become awkward or tense. Niall just laughed in response not denying that what John had said was true.

They talked for a few minutes Shawn holding Niall’s hand all the while and relaxing as he saw how easy this could be. Shawn knew that he could have this all of the time if he just kept taking steps like this, maybe not all of them would be as comfortable and without complications as this one but it would be worth it in the end he was sure of it. He also loved how Niall looked so happy being free and not contained like he was when around people that didn’t know.

They moved to the couch in the small room and when Niall sat down first Shawn thought _why the fuck not_ and half laid down with his head on Niall’s shoulder which made Niall look down at him smiling and he brought one hand up playing a little with his hair. John didn’t seem faced by this interaction at all as he sat down on the other end.

“I really like the direction your solo music is going Niall, the more folky singer songwriter stuff really suits you” Niall seemed a little flustered at that and Shawn smiled, it was cute. “Thank you, I like where it’s going too. It means a lot coming from someone like you, by the way your guitar skills are sick, so good mate.”

Shawn was just so comfortable laying there listening to his boyfriend and his friend praising each other’s music. He felt so proud of Niall though that he had to boost a little to John as well having inside information “Niall’s album will be something extra, I know you’ll like it when it comes out. A real craft with strong lyrics and a lot of guitar parts as well. One song even has violin, it really comes through and makes the song even deeper and more powerful. The acoustic arrangement of the song is really special” Niall was looking a bit embarrassed but pleased and Shawn realized he had started to ramble again, he just couldn’t help it.

John was laughing and shook his head “I’ll take your world for it then” and Shawn looked down biting his lip. Niall’s stomach then rumbled, and Shawn giggled sitting up slightly looking at the clock on the wall. It was soon eleven pm, they should really leave if they wanted to find something to eat before everything closed for the night.

“I was going to ask if you wanted to join me for a drink” he looked at Shawn “or like cola? Maybe we should include some food though” Niall laughed at that and patted Shawn’s head as you did children and Shawn glared slightly pouting only making Niall laugh even harder.

Shawn wanted to join John, they didn’t get the chance to spend time together that often, but at the same time he and Niall was on a date and he had something planned. “Actually…” He locked at John and then at Niall hoping John would understand without him having to say anything more.

John chuckled “oh, you are on a date aren’t you” it wasn’t a question just a realization. “Have a fun night then” he said which wouldn’t have been anything out of the ordinary if he hadn’t winked at the end. Niall barked out a laugh and Shawn just felt his face heat up and he buried his face in Niall’s neck, even if he was embarrassed he was also happy. He smiled against Niall’s skin and felt Niall’s arm around him.

Not long after that they said their goodbyes and they both hugged John briefly before leaving the dressing room. The arena was now mostly empty the only people still left being people working at the venue. Before they left the Air Canada Centre they found a deserted nook in one of the corridors and Niall finally got to give Shawn the kiss he had wanted to give Shawn when he had returned after his performance.

The kiss was definitely worth waiting for.


	31. Poutine in the Rain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The second part of their date.

**Chapter 31: Poutine in the Rain**

As they opened the backdoor to the venue, where the security had directed them to go, they were met with a loud smattering. There was a heavy downpour, the water making a smattering sound against the asphalt and the water droplets were already forming ringlets in the pools that had developed on the ground.

There hadn’t been raining when they had arrived a few hours before, it had just been in the air for most of the day. Niall didn’t particularly like the rain but he was used to it having grown up in Ireland where it sometimes felt like it rained more often than the sun showed itself.

He wondered what Shawn had planned and if those plans would have to change now because of the rain. Maybe the rain was actually not a bad thing though, it made it a little cold, but it also made most people stay away or at least stay inside and not roam the streets. Niall knew that if there was not a lot of people around he and Shawn would be able to be less cautious and be able to be more natural around each other. They could be closer if there was less risk for them to be spotted and disturbed so maybe the rain was a blessing in disguise.

Niall wanted nothing else than to be able to have this part of the date being as date-like as possible. “You don’t mind the rain, do you?” Shawn asked to which Niall shook his head. He wished he had a rain jacket or an umbrella but no he didn’t really mind the rain after all.

“What do ya have planned” he looked at Shawn with a raised eyebrow wondering what he could have planned for them at this hour.

Shawn smiled “have you ever had poutine?” Niall couldn’t help but starting to laugh, old memories being brought back. Shawn furrowed his brows in confusion not getting why the question would make Niall react like that.

Had he ever had poutine. It was a rather weird combination really, gravy and chips. Niall had never been picky with food though and when Harry had made him taste poutine for the first time it was not surprising that he had loved it. Having it with a side of peas was even making him think of fish and chips and that was something he loved to have before going to a premier league game. He just loved food and everything it could be associated with, with how much memories it could bring up.

Shawn was just shaking his head “will you let me in on the joke” and Niall nodded smiling fondly. “I’ve probably tasted every single poutine dish Canada has to offer” he chuckled. Harry had literally dragged them around and made them taste all the different kinds, claming tasting the local delicatessen was a must and that they had to taste every kind just to simply know which one was the best.

“Whenever we toured Canada with the band, Harry got kind of obsessed really, he even went off about poutine on stage a few times, it was a full-on rant in Montreal once” he couldn’t help but laugh again and people said he was the one crazy about food. “I have to find it on YouTube for ya or something, trust me it’s definitely something you want to see” Shawn looked a little impressed and amused by Niall’s sudden reminiscing.

They where standing just outside of the door still covered from the pouring rain. Shawn took a step forward now though out into the rain before he nodded slightly to the right and then looked back at Niall. “I know a small place, a food truck selling poutine, just a 10-minute walk from here” he looked a bit hesitant as if he didn’t know if it would be good enough. As if Niall would have wanted something more, more romantic or fancier or something like that.

Eating poutine in the rain though was _more_ , it was more and better than for example going to some pub and being surrounded by a lot of people. Eating poutine in the rain was plenty romantic too, just as the first half of the date had been. Having just thought about Harry Niall was unable to not think about the kissing scene in the rain from _The Notebook_ as well, he hoped that maybe they would be able to sneak something like that in under the night. He could literally hear Harry awe and look adoringly at him if he ever told him about tonight.

He followed in Shawn’s footsteps walking out into the rain, he closed his eyes and turned his head upwards feeling the water hit his skin and rolling down his face. When he looked down and opened his eyes he had to laugh as he looked at Shawn. Having quite long hair his hair was now flat against his head some even laying in his eyes.

Niall walked over and brought up his hand and swiped back Shawn’s hair, it looked a bit like he now had slicked back hair which was not really suiting him that well. Niall chuckled at how snobbish the style made Shawn look, Shawn just looked petulant and even pouted a bit probably knowing full well how the rain had made his hair into a slight disaster.

Niall was happy his hair was not that long, his hair when wet was not a problem. He was also happy that Shawn had long hair though, not just because him pouting about it now was utterly adorable. He loved Shawn’s long hair because he loved carding his fingers through the wavy locks and he also enjoyed how much Shawn seemed to like it when he sometimes tucked a little more than was strictly necessary. 

“Ready to go” Niall frowned when he saw one lock of hair escaping its slicked back state, he brought it back again and nodded satisfied when he saw that it stayed back this time. “Lead the way” Shawn smiled and started to walk with Niall following.

They walked for about five minutes not saying that much, a lot of things had happened that night and Niall found himself having a lot to process. Shawn singing for him like that and then being so open with his feelings in front of John. It made him so happy and proud of Shawn, he knew how hard this was and to see him taking big steps like this made him very happy. For him and for them because it meant they were one step closer to live like they truly wanted.

There was no other people around, they were walking on a small bicycle road with only streetlights as their company. Niall was thinking about checking with Shawn if he was okay with maybe even holding hands, even if it was in public. It wasn’t like even if someone saw them that people would be able to tell who they were, at least not in the dark and from far away.

Shawn beat him to it, breaking the silence “about what you said the other day at dinner” he said almost tentatively. Niall let out a small laugh “ya have to be a little more specific” he responded with looking amusedly at Shawn.

“I… you’ve done it, the secret relationship thing” Niall frowned and nodded. He was confused to why Shawn would bring that up, what did that have to do with them.

“Yea when I was in the band, it was just easier you know. I didn’t want all the questions and the paparazzi to follow us and her around” Shawn nodded and looked almost hopeful. Niall got a bad feeling in his stomach.

Shawn stopped and looked at Niall and Niall looked back at him with trepidation hoping Shawn would not say what he thought he was about to say. “I’m coming out to my family, I am, and you can tell your family and friends but… but maybe we can wait with the public, not forever but a few years or something. As you said it would be easier” Niall closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He had done it before and it had been hard, doing that with Shawn would be so much harder than it had been with her though.

He had grown up a lot since then too, back then he was not able read things and not be affected and think about what the publics opinion was of him. Think about if they would approve of him, of who he loved, what he said, what he wore and everything else in his life. He now understood that there would _always_ be someone that would disapprove, be negative and spread hate but they were not the important people. There would always be people with expectations for him that he would not be able to live up to. There would always be people thinking that they were perfect and that they had the right to say whatever they wanted to whoever they wanted however rude and disrespectful it may be. People not knowing you and your situation that would still judge your every move and whatever you did it would never be good enough for them, they would always be able to find flaws and they would not hesitate to point it out even right to your face. 

He was done caring, if they didn’t like his style, his music or the fact that he loved Shawn when it became public knowledge it was not his problem and they would just have to deal with it. For all he cared those people could go and fuck themselves. Sometimes he forgot that Shawn was just 18 because he was so mature and wise for his age. Accepting and being somewhat alright with things like people thinking you were public property instead of an actual person with feelings and problems like everyone else took time, to come to the not caring what people thought about you stage was something that came with age and more experience.

He understood why Shawn wanted to wait and to hold off for as long as he could with coming forward with their relationship. He also knew they would make it work if they had to but that was the thing they didn’t have to and he knew in the long run it was better for them to _not_ wait that long.

He looked at Shawn with a destressed face “no” he hated having to say no to Shawn. But he had done it before and he knew they were better off not trying to close themselves off from the public for that long. Not having to go on eggshells whenever outside of their houses or with friends. Not having to live in constant fear of being caught and outed, and always having to check over their shoulders. He nodded and said more confidently “no.”

Shawn mirrored the slightly distressed look “no…why not?” Niall smiled at that. He could probably talk for minutes about why but there really was only one reason that it all boiled down to.

“Because I love ya” Shawn just blinked in obvious confusion. “I loved her too, but I love you that much more, that much deeper” he had at one point thought what he had had with her was all it would ever be but boy had he been wrong.

His love for her had been like a candle, it had been a spark and then there had been a flame but it had soon started to flicker and then it had burned out. His feelings for her had been there and they had been strong, you didn’t write a big part of an album about someone that hadn’t left a mark, but they had never ignited the burning feeling from within his love for Shawn did. His love for Shawn was like the sun, the brightest star that made life a possibility and without it everything would just become complete darkness. Having Shawn in his life, as a friend and lover was for him like the sun was for the earth, essential for life. His love for Shawn and what he had felt for her was different, what he felt for Shawn and what Shawn meant to him was just so much more. Shawn was the one that was just right for him.

There was a difference between being able to imagine a future with someone and not being able to imagine a future without someone. He had imagined a future with her and it had hurt badly when it didn’t happen but he had survived and moved on. With Shawn he didn’t only imagine a future, with Shawn it was as if he was his future and he didn’t know how he would deal with a world without Shawn in it. His world would not be whole without Shawn in it.

“I love you so much that being apart and having to stay apart from you is painful, having to pretend to not love you is painful” it really was all that it came down too. “It was different with her…” It was also the fact that she had been a no one, an ordinary girl, someone that was not famous. It was different with Shawn being well Shawn, it made it both easier and harder to come out.

Shawn looked down muttering something sounding suspiciously like, _I don’t deserve you_ , Niall looked around, there were still no one around so Niall stepped up to Shawn and developed him in a hug. Even through their soaked clothes he could feel the other boy’s warmth. “It’s going to be alright, we’re going to alright.”

“Yeah…” Shawn said although it didn’t really sound as if Shawn believed him. Shawn drew away after a few seconds and it seemed like he had accepted Niall’s answer. That he wouldn’t push the matter further. As he drew away Niall nudged his hand with his and Shawn looked down at their hands before he tentatively took it in his. Niall knew that even if Shawn had doubts, deep inside he wanted the same things as Niall did.

**SHIALL**

As Shawn saw the food truck he slowed down to a stop and let go off Niall’s hand, making Niall stop too. Niall looked at him and Shawn smiled and nodded slightly towards the truck. “Last one there have to pay for the food” he said and started to sprint before Niall had even registered what he had said.

He had a good head start but then he put his right foot in a puddle and without his knowledge in a hole in the ground. He was very close to fall head first to the ground but managed to stay upright, he stumbled a few steps though. He panted a little and cursed, why did he have to be so clumsy. As he looked up Niall had now passed him and he had just slowed down to a stop by the food truck.

Shawn pouted, as he had put his foot in the puddle of dirty water had splashed up all over his pant leg and his shoe was dripping. Niall panted and looked back at Shawn and laughed hysterically “can’t believe I won, you’re such a klutz” he didn’t say the last part condescendingly though, no he said it with an affectionate lilt to his voice as if Shawn’s tendency to stumble and trip over every other thing was something adorable and something to cherish.

Shawn couldn’t really stay petulant at that so he just walked the rest of the way to Niall and the food truck. “It was for the best though, that I won” Niall said amusedly “you asked me out so really it’s not more than right that you pay for the food” Shawn couldn’t help but laugh. They had millions on their bank accounts and would eat something for only a few Canadian dollars and still they were having a contest and discussion on who should pay. Niall was right though, Shawn was a gentleman after all, so it was not more than right.

They couldn’t decide on what toppings they wanted and they were hungry, they ended up ordering one classic, one with chicken and a third one from the vegetarian menu. It was named rainbow poutine, different sauces making it striped in a few different colours.

To Shawn it felt like a statement to order rainbow poutine even if he knew it was farfetched and maybe even a little stupid. It was the smallest thing and the guy behind the counter would surely not read into it at all, it wasn’t like just because you ordered something with a name including _rainbow_ people would think that you were a part of the LGBT community or anything. It was a just a name, but it still felt like a statement to Shawn. A way to show Niall he was taking steps even small and maybe insignificant.

He had had a moment of weakness earlier. Coming out was scary and even with the progress he was making it didn’t feel less daunting the things they would have to face going forward. Doing what he had done earlier that night, coming out consciously to someone for the first time had been nerve wrecking. That was only one person so to imagine coming out to _everyone_ was beyond terrifying. It had made him feel better about coming out to his parents though, he finally felt that the next time he had the opportunity he knew he would do it instead of backing away.

Today he was ordering rainbow poutine. Next month, at the end of the new tour, he wasn’t sure when but someday he would do so much more. He hoped that one day he would be one of those artists that brought up rainbow flags on stage. That one day he would be comfortable doing so, not being afraid of the implications and people reading into it or not caring if they did. It felt far away but was something he knew he wanted.

He was not sure how long he had stood there staring down into the box of rainbow poutine before Niall nudged his shoulder. “Be careful with all that thinking your doing so you don’t hurt that head of yours” Shawn shook his head both to clear it and in exasperation at Niall’s comment.

The rainbow poutine had been the first box they had been handed, now when he looked at Niall he saw that he had the other two boxes in his hands, Shawn had not noticed when they had been handed over too emerged in his own thoughts. He fumbled a little with his hand to reach into his jacket pocket to bring out his wallet, he apologized to the man waiting in the truck looking rather impatient.

As he had payed the guy turned a sign on the side and started to close down. Apparently they had just made it, the truck closed at midnight and it was now five minutes passed.

“You want to go through the park?” just behind the truck was the opening to a park and even at night it was a rather pleasant walk. Niall nodded but didn’t say anything as he had already started eating from one of the boxes, his mouth occupied by several fries. Shawn snickered and lifted one of his eyebrows, he knew Niall had been hungry but still.

Niall finished chewing “what? It’s incredible and we can’t chance the rain making it into a soup” Shawn laughed and took a few fries from the box Niall was eating from before he could finish it all.

They walked through the park laughing and messing around, they ate from all the boxes in no particular structure just sharing it all between them. It was so comfortable, and the most care free date Shawn had ever been on. He had been afraid it would be too simple but it was perfect.

Niall suddenly made a triumphant sound and Shawn looked over to where Niall was holding forward an extra long fry, it was as if two fries had been glued together into one. Niall looked giddy “ya want to share?” he said and Shawn just blinked not understanding what he meant.

“I thought that was what we’ve been doing all this time” he made a gesture with his hand between the boxes. Niall shook his head as if Shawn was thick “not dinner, the special chip.”

Shawn laughed unbelievingly thinking it was a joke but Niall was just looking at him expectantly awaiting an answer. Shawn swallowed because sharing a fry would lead to them kissing, in the middle of a park. They hadn’t seen a single person since they entered though, they had heard a dog barking in the distant but that was minutes ago now. He could, they could be together and be overly cheesy and ridiculous right then and there.

He wanted to and he couldn’t say no, not with Niall looking at him like he was with a special gleam in his eye and a smile bright and mischievous. Shawn couldn’t believe they were about to do something that silly. He grabbed Niall by the arm and dragged him off the pathway and so that they where not positioned right under one of the lamps.

Niall dipped the extra long fry in the sauce and then he held it up so they both could bite at the ends and then start eating it from each side. It was a bit awkward with the angle due to the height difference, they were looking at each other and standing as close as they could without actually touching. They inched closer and closer. Shawn wasn’t sure what emotions he was feeling the strongest, the urge to just forget the fry and lunge into Niall’s arms and kiss him senseless or the urge to burst out laughing at the situation and what they were doing.

In the end it was a combination of the both, as their lips met halfway having shared the fry between them they embraced with Niall dropping one of his boxes to the ground to be able to properly put one of his arms around Shawn and fist his hand in the back of Shawn’s jacket. At the same time as their mouths met they also started to laugh making the kiss little more than only their lips touching. Shawn laughed into Niall’s mouth and held on tight with a hand around his shoulders.

Shawn let the laughter run through his body and then he pressed a but more firmly against Niall who smiled against his lips before they started to kiss for real. Niall’s mouth tasted like gravy and it would from this day be a taste Shawn would forever associate with this moment. With laughter and sharing poutine with Niall, with Niall’s moist lips wet from the rain that was still coming down on them. Niall, gravy and rain who had known that combination would make him feel drunk. It was all going to his head.

Shawn felt like he was drowning in the taste and in the feeling of Niall’s lips moving against his. It was a gentle but deep kiss. It was more than the feeling from just kissing though. It was also the feeling of freedom, even if alone and even if in the dark they where still kissing outside, in the open. Shawn was kissing his boyfriend out in public where someone could walk around the corner at any minute even if unlikely.

When they drew away after more than a minute had passed Niall was smiling not letting go of Shawn. The smile turned into a smirk “I’m the tramp” Shawn was again not comprehending what Niall meant. “What?” Niall laughed at him pecking him on his lips. “You’re the lady, I’m the tramp” he clarified, and Shawn just shook his head.

How could they possible get any cheesier than that, this date had become a recreation of _Lady and the Tramp_. Him serenading Niall, the sharing of food leading to kissing. At least it hadn’t been spaghetti.

He felt like he had to protest just for the sake of it “hey, why do I have to be the girl” Niall chuckled. “Someone has to be, also your hair is brown and wavy just like her ears” Shawn didn’t know what to do with Niall. “You’re ridiculous” Niall bit his lip and blinked at him a few times overdramatically “you love it.” Shawn couldn’t deny it, he loved Niall’s ridiculous gimmicks. “He kissed his cheek “I do and I love you, my tramp” Niall smirked “my lady” Shawn smacked him upon the head for that before they kept walking along the path.

The box Niall had dropped was forgotten and soon they had finished the other two as well. There was just one fry left with which Shawn took as much sauce up as he could. He had wanted to do this for a while but had waited until now so that Niall wouldn’t be able to reciprocate. He took the fry and swiped it over Niall’s nose. Now they where even for the cupcakes that morning he thought satisfied.

“Hey” Niall said when he noticed what had happened and that there was no food left so he could not give back as good as he got “you little…” Shawn just laughed and sprinted away being chased by Niall who had put one of his fingers in the box and gathered some gravy on it.

Shawn didn’t get far before he stopped in his tracks “got ya” Niall said when he caught up and slung an arm around Shawn’s waist. He was about to smear the gravy onto Shawn’s cheek but stopped, he was probably feeling how tense Shawn had become.

Shawn was staring ahead, they were no longer alone. There was an old man sitting on a bench looking at them. Shawn frowned, the expression on the man's face was almost… fond, which was not something he had expected.

Niall’s arm had slid from his waist and Shawn was not sure if he wished it back or if he was grateful it was gone. As it were they had just played around and the old man knew nothing. His smile and expression said something else though making Shawn feel very uneasy. What if he knew who they were, he could easily spread a rumor and then there would maybe be no turning back. He shook his head, he was being paranoid.

The man stood up, he had a cane which he was leaning against. “Don’t let me interrupt you boys” he said and then he got an almost wistful look on his face before he smiled bright sighing happily “young love.” Shawn choked on nothing and he felt Niall step a little closer but not suspiciously so. The man was standing to the side of Shawn and could not see Niall fully. Shawn felt Niall’s hand on his lower back, he was showing him he was right there.

Shawn felt his breaths coming faster, the colour had drained from his face and he felt anxious. They had let their guard down and been careless, being affectionate and loving in public and this man had seen right through them just by observing them for mere seconds. Shawn felt near a panic attack.

The old man tilted his head and frowned “I’m sorry, was I mistaken” he said. Shawn felt as if at a crossroad, he could go down either road and he knew Niall would support whatever decision he would make. He had made progress tonight and it would be such a major setback to go back to lying and denying what they had. He took a deep breath, Niall had stepped up so that most of his front was to Shawn’s back and his presence made him keep calm and collected, he could do this.

The man didn’t seem to know who they were or if he did he didn’t seem to care. He had only seemed happy to see them and to witness their affection so why would he lie. He wasn’t ashamed, he was happy and that was okay, more importantly it was okay to show it.

“Nn…no sir, you weren’t” he closed his eyes. He felt Niall kiss his cheek lightly which made Shawn blush and the old man chuckle.

“You boys remind me of my grandson, he and his boyfriend got married just last week” Shawn opened his eyes at that and looked at the man who was nodding at them approvingly. He heard Niall congratulate the man and they started a conversation.

Shawn didn’t say anything though. Why had he been afraid, this old man didn’t want to out them or judge them. He like many other people would just be happy for them.

He knew they had been lucky though, next time it may be a reporter or a fan seeing them and it could end in a disaster. Even if he now felt relief rush through his veins and a peace and freedom. Even if this evening had been amazing and he had loved being able to be so close and carefree with Niall when outside, being able to really be on a date like it was meant to be. He still knew that next time they would have to be more careful. He hated himself for it but it was how things would have to be.

They soon said their goodbyes to the kind old man and made their way out of the park and back towards their car so they could go home. It had been a great date with a lot of surprises, realizations and admissions.

Niall leaned up and said softly into Shawn’s ear “I’m so proud of you love” Shawn was too, he was but it was not enough. He was still holding them back and he was so far away from being where he wanted to be. He was getting there though for Niall, slowly but surely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi people
> 
> Merry Christmas to everyone celebrating. This chapter is my Christmas present to you all ♥
> 
> Fun facts  
> Harry's poutine rant is of course real and you should definitely look it up if you don't know what I'm on about because it's brilliant.  
> Rainbow poutine is actually on the menu for a poutine restaurant chain in Canada and a few places in USA.  
> I really wanted to include something with Christmas which is where the Lady and the Tramp reference comes in, in Sweden every Christmas Eve it's tradition to watch a compilation of cartoons and Lady and the Tramp is a part of that.
> 
> I hope everyone have had a great holiday and/or weekend  
> Love only ♥♥♥


	32. House Hunting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shawn takes Niall with him into the city to show and ask him something. In a change of events they finally also find themselves alone.

**Chapter 32: House Hunting**

The days after their date they had had to come back down to earth and actually do some work. It had been nice though, he loved what he did for a living after all and to be able to do that side by side with Shawn, it was amazing. Niall felt a lot better about going on tour in just a bit over two weeks now as well.

Everyone had almost started to feel like a small family of sorts. His band and Shawn got on really well and he could see them all being mates and go out for a beer when out on tour. Especially John and Jake he thought had also become great friends with Shawn’s guitarist.

He couldn’t wait to meet James soon too. Shawn talked fondly about the guy and Niall just knew they would get along and be able to really get the crowd going together before Shawn did his set when they hit the road. It was great how James was not just some random musical talent but rather a friend of Shawn’s and someone he had worked with before, even toured with before.

Niall sighed as he put his jacket on and zipped it up before putting his cap on his head. The last few days had been great, hectic but great. Workwise that is. Well it hadn’t not been great otherwise but also nothing had really changed and he was unsure what Shawn wanted them to do now. It was comfortable and Niall loved that, how he just fit in here. How Shawn’s family felt like his own even and how he felt welcomed and embraced and how he never had to question if he had a place here or not.

On the other hand it was also tense, they hadn’t shown any more affection in public after their date night and it was frustrating. To be close and yet feel so far away from the person he loved. Shawn had still not told his parents and Niall was unsure if it was because there hadn’t been another opportunity or if he had changed his mind about doing it under their visit. He didn’t want to bring it up though as he didn’t want to put any pressure on Shawn in any way.

He was positive that some of the lads in his band could tell he was a little distracted and bothered by something. Or not bothered exactly more preoccupied and a little impatient maybe. He knew he didn’t have the right to be impatient but he couldn’t help the way everything made him feel. No one had commented though which he was very grateful for, it would have been rather complicated to try and explain things without really telling them anything. Aaliyah kept shooting them glances as well, they only became fiercer the further their stay went and they kept their distance. Something would have to happen and soon.

It was maybe also the fact that they hadn’t really done more than share a bed at night. It wasn’t that he needed more from Shawn or that he wasn’t content with what they did do. After all just being able to spend more than a day in his presence was more than he had thought he would get not long ago. But having the chance to do more and being so close but not being able or letting themselves do and be more was frustrating to say the least. They were never alone though, not really so he did understand why nothing had really happened.

His phone chimed and Niall started slightly. Shawn had told him to be ready at eleven. He had had some errands this morning but otherwise they had nothing planned for the day, as it was a day off from rehearsals. Well nothing that Niall was aware of at least.

Shawn had seemed nervous when he had told Niall to be ready before he left that morning and when Niall had asked, what they would be doing, he had only said it would be a surprise. Niall knew whatever it would be would probably be worth the suspense. The date had been amazing after all and if Shawn was taking him somewhere again he knew it would be just as good.

He opened the door after seeing Shawn had sent him a text inquiring if he was ready soon. In front of the house was a cab and Niall made his way there and sat himself in the backseat. Shawn smiled at him and Niall smiled back. Shawn’s smile was nervous though and it made Niall wonder, where were they really going and what were they going to do which made Shawn so fidgety.

The driver chatted some under the ride and Niall made a few comments and contributed to the conversation without being too invested. Shawn was unusually quiet, maybe this was not a date like the other day maybe they would do something else entirely.

Niall looked out the window and saw how they closed in on the city. They were going into Toronto that much was for certain. The ride was uneventful until they stopped at a red light and Shawn made a sound in the back of his throat. Niall looked at him surprised and he bit his lip, Niall smiled at how cute Shawn was when he was a little uncertain.

“Eh, could you put up the privacy wall… please” Niall raised an eyebrow and looked at Shawn with interest. Cab drivers probably got to witness a lot of things and was used to requests like these but what could Shawn have to say to him that was that confidential and couldn’t wait until they were out of the car.

The driver hummed and then the wall separating the front and the back of the car was put up without further comment.

As soon as they had privacy Shawn grabbed Niall’s hand and they looked at each other. It seemed that Shawn wanted to hold onto him more for comfort and to be grounded than for just making an affectionate gesture. Niall also felt how his hand was a little damp from sweat another sign of him being nervous.

Niall started to become nervous himself, did Shawn have something bad to share with him. If it was something good why would he be this nervous to tell him? He thought about laughing for a moment to make the moment less serious but decided against it, it would give the wrong signals if Shawn really did have something serious to tell him.

Instead Niall squeezed Shawn’s hand that he had clutched with his to show him support in whatever he was going to divulge. He saw Shawn swallow before he took a deep breath.

“I have planned for a while to get my own place here in Canada, to move out from my parents house” Niall had known this so he nodded encouragingly. Shawn smiled a little uncertainty “but recently I have changed my mind.”

Niall blinked, he had not been expecting that. He had looked forward to coming to Canada and visit Shawn when they were both on break. Of course he would like to see Shawn’s family too but it would be nice to have Shawn just to himself from time to time. “Why, I thought getting your own place was something you was looking forward to?” he asked after a pause not knowing what else to say.

Shawn shook his head and squeezed his hand back. “I do, kind of anyway” now Niall was really confused. But Shawn didn’t let him be for long as he continued after just a second or two. “I wasn’t finished, I want to get a place put I don’t want to get a place on my own anymore” he was looking at Niall pointedly.

Niall furrowed his brows until he got exactly what Shawn meant, he felt his face go from confused to one of happiness, a huge smile splitting his face in two. Because oh, Shawn wanted to get a place together not alone.

Shawn had looked to the side though when he had noticed that Niall got it, he had looked away before Niall had really shown how pleased this made him. “I know it’s kind of early, but man I can’t imagine getting my own place and you just coming for visits, I want it to be our place and for you to be able to go there whenever you want and not only when I’m there. I want you to have things there, I want your name on the post box” he took a deep breath. “I would love it to be the same in Ireland or London or wherever and I hope you want that too?”

It was astonishing, Niall shook his head in bewilderment. It may be early sure but Niall wanted this, exactly this and Shawn had to know that. So for him to be so unsure and to post it as a nervous question was ridiculous.

He nudged Shawn so he looked back at his smiling face. “Yes, ya moron” he couldn't help but laugh at how what he had thought would be something bad and a serious talk turned out to be something he had hoped for but had not thought would happen for some time yet. “I thought you would tell me your grandma had died or something” now it was Shawn’s turn to look confused.

“What, my... what” Niall chuckled and shook his head. Sometimes Shawn was so innocent and just a little naive and it was something Niall really adored. “Of course I want to move in with you, get a place together” he said smiling and Shawn smiled back.

“Really?” Niall didn’t even feel like that warranted an answer and instead he pulled Shawn into his arms and kissed him. Shawn kissed him back and Niall marveled over how he had become that person who kissed in the back of a cab. In the back of a cab or kissing in elevators were in every cliche romantic comedy movie and Niall had never thought his life would become one. It kind of had though and he loved it. They were alone, the windows of the car was even tinted so there was no risk of being spotted, and Shawn was too incredible to not want to kiss everywhere and all the time so why shouldn’t he.

When Niall drew back he looked at Shawn who stayed leaned against him. “Really, and we should get a place in London too. Willie can keep my current place” he and Willie had talked about it once. That if they got in a serious relationship they would move out and let the other stay.

Niall put his arm around Shawn who just hummed and Niall could literally feel the tension and nervous energy from earlier emit from his body as he really relaxed against Niall’s side.

Moving in together, getting _their_ own place wouldn’t come without problems though. Niall hated to bring it up, hated to make Shawn worried and point out the drawbacks to the future they both wanted. A problem that they could get around by being honest but that was a decision that wasn’t just his to make. Being honest and open would be hard too but maybe, maybe by keeping secrets a lot more obstacles would be put in their way.

He had to keep them grounded and realistic so that they wouldn’t be blindsided when the inevitable did happen though, even if it may dampen the happiness and comfortable peace and freedom they felt as they embraced in the back of the cab. Shawn had to see the whole picture of what their actions would portray.

“It will be suspicious though, us getting a place together” Niall could feel Shawn tense up slightly against his side again and he grimaced but made himself keep going. “Me coming here now we got away with because of work, same thing with the tour but that excuse won’t be believable forever.”

He could almost hear Shawn try to come up with another excuse that would work, that people would buy. Niall knew though that there really wasn’t one. What could they say, that they were roommates, no one would believe that even for a second. After all a lot of people hadn’t even believed Harry and Louis were just roommates when they lived together even if in that case it had actually been the truth.

Shawn let out a sigh before he said half defeated “maybe they don’t have to find out.” Niall could tell that Shawn knew that would never happen, it wasn’t a question just a desperate try to make himself not have to face reality. The reality was that the entertainment industry and their fans were too involved in both their lives and to think that they would be able to keep something like them having a place in the middle of Toronto together from the public was foolish.

It would get out someway or the other and then the rumors would start, rumors was just that rumors and Niall often waved them off because they often were ridiculous and that people actually took them as facts had almost made him cry at times. But when the rumors was not just that, when the rumors were actually true it was a whole other matter.

Niall knew whatever happened they would get through it but he needed Shawn to know what they were getting themselves into. He needed Shawn to understand and look ahead even when living in the now and cherish the moment was all they really wanted to do. Niall knew they couldn’t ignore what was ahead even if it was hard making Shawn feel uneasy, it needed to be done.

Shawn had been quiet for the last minute or so, Niall just kept an arm around him letting him know he would be there and that he could take all the time he needed. In the end he just let out a breath and even if Niall couldn’t see Shawn’s face at the moment he was almost certain that he had his eyes closed, as a way to give himself courage to say what he needed.

“We won’t really have time to go back here for awhile anyway, I mean with the tour” here he drew in a breath and Niall felt how his chest tightened, he could literally hear in Shawn’s voice how hard this was to even think about for the other lad. Shawn continued his voice a little shaky “if we’re… if we’re out at the end of the tour, it won’t be a problem.”

Niall felt like a weight gave away. Shawn had said _if_ they were out but he was thinking about it. It was a timeline and Niall could deal with that. Having a when, maybe not definitely but at least as a thought and a blurry ending point to their charade.

He leaned to the side and kissed the side of Shawn’s head smiling slightly. “Yeah” was all he said, they had a game plan now. Niall was ready to make a more permanent future with Shawn, starting with getting a place together.

Wait, Niall glanced down at Shawn. “We’re going on a house viewing today aren’t we” Shawn blushed and Niall just laughed. Shawn had been nervous about Niall’s reaction so it was actually not that surprising that he had postponed telling Niall about it to the very last minute.

Shawn pouted “I’ve had this viewing planned for a while actually, it just didn’t feel right going without you now” Niall just nodded. He knew the feeling, Shawn was a part of his life a part of his heart and should of course be a part of his home or well homes as well. Having Shawn not being a part of something like that would make it just a house rather than the home he wanted it to be.

The car stopped then and Shawn sat up and they separated just in time before a knock was heard and then the separation wall was taken away and the driver was looking back at them informing them that they had made their destination.

**SHIALL**

Shawn nodded to the driver and made his way out of the car and to the front to pay for the ride. He wasn't sure what he and Niall would do after the viewing or how long it would take, if they would take a cab back they would just get a new one later.

As Shawn payed he was preoccupied by his thoughts, his mind was a mess. He had really just asked Niall to move in with him and in the same conversation also promised him that he would come out at the end of tour. Not just to a selected group of people but to the world, to everyone. Well not promised really at least not with so many words but it felt almost as good as if he had written it down on paper.

He could just imagine Niall’s face if at the end of tour he didn’t go through with it, he would be so disappointed in him. It could potentially start a rift between them and he didn’t even want to imagine where that could end. So there really wasn’t any doubt he would _have to_ come out then.

In one way it was a relief to have something concrete, an expiration date of hiding. He had to the end of tour, which meant to the end of the year to get his shit together and be an honest man. It was what Niall deserved and what they deserved but the thought was still scary. He would come out in 2017, everyone would know the truth and who he was or rather who people thought he had always been would be questioned.

He took a deep breath, it was over half a year until then so it was still a respectable amount of time. “Shawn, ya coming?” Shawn shook his head and looked over at Niall, he could think about all that later. He smiled thinking about Niall’s reaction earlier when he had gotten out that he wanted them to get a place together, a place that would be theirs, he had looked so happy and it made Shawn know that it would all be worth it in the end.

Shawn had loved the pictures of the condo the first time he had started looking for a place of his own. The Portland Park Village and especially the Reve Condos were the ones he had really fallen for. He just hoped that Niall would really like the place too, if not well they would just have to find something else.

The house was modern looking, black with red details. It was located near city centrum, if taking a stroll it was around a 15 minute walk to the CN Tower and maybe a 25 minute walk to the ACC.

What he loved with the place was that it wasn’t overly fancy. It was not over the top or anything like that. There was a gym at the bottom and a terrace with a pool on the roof but you didn’t have your own gym or pool. He didn’t want or need to live in some mansion, he just wanted a place where he and Niall would be able to feel at home and relax when on a break.

He was excited to see the place in person for the first time. He had heard it was also a view you had to see with your own eyes to truly experience it. That was also something he really enjoyed with the place, the apartment they would look at had the perfect view towards the tower.

He walked over to Niall and they made their way into the building. As they stepped in they saw a man in a suit who seemed to have been waiting there for a while. He was talking on the phone but as soon as he saw them enter he finished his call abruptly before approaching them reaching out his hand to Shawn.

“Mr Mendes, realtor Scott. I will be showing you the condo on the 12th floor today” he greeted and Shawn shook his hand. “Nice to meet you” the realtor smiled brightly. Shawn looked at Niall who shrugged.

Scott made a distressed sound and looked from Shawn to Niall. “I’m sorry, gosh that was rude of me, I must have been misinformed as I was not aware that it was a couples showing today” he said and put forward his hand to Niall as well who shock it “no worries mate.”

Shawn just gaped at the man. Couples showing, how had the realtor known they were a couple and not just friends or roommates. Niall could just have been there as support or advice really, it couldn’t be that obvious. He had just met them a few seconds ago for Christ sake.

Niall saw his expression first and seemed to be unable not to laugh. Scott just tilted his head and then made a gesture with his hand. “Honey you guys just have a vibe” he said and Shawn would almost have sworn on that he'd winked at him. He had probably imagined it but even if it hadn’t happened it still made Shawn blush and he glanced at Niall to see if he had noticed anything.

As he thought about it Scott had a vibe too, the way he moved his hand and the way he spoke. Shawn had LGBT friends but now when he was with Niall it was almost like he met people in a new way. That old man in the park and now the realtor, they already viewed them as if they were a part of the community. They didn’t question them just accepted it at face value and accepted and welcomed them.’

Shawn felt a warm feeling at that and he just wished everyone would take the news like these people had, like these strangers. He knew that wasn’t the case but it was nice to dream that it could be anyway. Maybe meeting these people was a way for the universe to show him that it would all be okay, that it already was okay.

He smiled at Niall showing him that Scott knowing about them, or suspecting at the very least as they hadn’t confirmed or denied, wasn’t a problem and Niall smiled back happily. After all if Scott was gay he would probably not out them even if he knew who they were. Even if you could never trust anyone he seemed professional, even with the flirting. Shawn shook his head, of course he hadn’t been flirting with him.

Scott took them around the entry level and showed them the gym and the sauna. Shawn knew he would like it here but he was nervous about what Niall would say and kept stealing glances at him to see if he could see any reactions either good or bad.

They took the elevator up to the the right floor and down the corridor to the condo. He opened the door and they took in the interior. It was open and light with the kitchen, dining room and living room going into each other.

Just as Scott was about to start showing them around his phone started to ring, and he excused himself for only a moment before he turned to them looking apologetic. “Something came up and I unfortunately have to run, will you be okay looking around here and on the roof terrace on your own?”

Shawn nodded at the same time as Niall answered “certainly, will ya come back?” Scott nodded fervently. “As fast as I can, will probably take just about an hour but may take longer. I’m so very sorry” they both reassured him it was no bother and said their goodbyes and see you laters.

When Scott had left they walked around for a bit, looking in the guest room, bathrooms and the bedroom which also had a walk in closet. Shawn was very pleased as it looked even better than it had on the pictures he had viewed before.

They made their way back out into the main living area and looked out over the city. It really was a beautiful view, it was a sunny day and the rays was reflected on the skyscrapers. The tower that he would always associate with home, so much that he even made it a part of his first tattoo. It was really beautiful and Shawn could just imagine sitting here with Niall and watching sunsets over Toronto through the floor to ceiling windows. He could really see himself and Niall living here together, to share this place and make it their own.

He looked at Niall and braced himself, maybe it wasn’t what Niall wanted though. “So… What do you think?”

Niall looked at him and at the windows and then he smirked making Shawn frown. Instead of answering his question he asked one if his own “doesn’t the view and floor to ceiling windows remind you of something?”

Shawn started to shake his head but then he understood what Niall was getting at and he felt his face heat up. But now when Niall had mentioned it, it did remind him slightly of his hotel room in Tokyo. Those memories made Shawn feel hot all over his body and not just his face.

He swallowed and shook his head “we couldn’t possibly…” he let the thought die out because it was absurd to even think in those lanes. Why would Niall otherwise have pointed it out though. They were in an apartment that wasn’t theirs, not yet anyway. They were here to look around and get a feel of the condo not get a feel of each other.

“Why not?” Niall countered with but instead of waiting for Shawn to answer he answered his own question. “We’re finally _alone,_ and we won’t be disturbed for the better part of an hour.”

Shawn bit his lip. He could argue with Niall but why when he could just give in and they could start to explore each other fully for the first time. It was inevitable that he would give in anyway so why prolong the suspension any longer.

He grabbed Niall by the hand and dragged him back towards the bathroom while he spoke already feeling breathless. “We won’t have time for clean up, you know how messy it gets against a window” if they ended up buying this condo though they would definitely do it against that window. Shawn felt tingles just thinking about it, being exposed like that and actually having Niall behind him this time instead of just watching.

He shuddered and Niall groaned behind him as if he knew what Shawn was thinking. That was for another day though. For now “how about we finally take that shower together?”

Shawn looked back at Niall just as he stumbled on his half undone pair of pants making him laugh. Niall looked up at him sheepishly and Shawn stopped and they just took a couple of deep breaths each and looked at each other.

“I really love the way you think” Niall said after a heart beat. Shawn hadn’t noticed before but his heart had sped up and he heard every beat in his ears. “Are you ready for this?” he just had to ask, he wasn’t entirely sure if he was asking Niall or himself though.

Niall nodded and Shawn shivered at the intensity of the fire in his eyes wondering if it was mirrored in his own orbs. “More than, I’ve been ready for a while now” Shawn nodded “me too, me too.”

They were still in the hallway when they melted against each other. Giving in to their desires and knowing it would actually lead somewhere this time, that their sexual frustration would finally get an outlet. He could feel the sexual energy spark under his skin like firecrackers, when it mixed with Niall’s it would surely make an explosion.

Their kiss was softer than he would have thought. Niall’s body was like a furnace against his, it felt like just the full body contact would be able to melt him and he would become nothing more than putty in Niall’s hands.

When they broke apart Niall had shimmied out of his pants and Shawn swallowed. They were really doing this. He felt the nerves coming back full force, what if he didn’t know what to do.

Niall nudged him out of his stupor and nodded towards the bathroom door. Shawn nodded “yeah, let’s go” and they walked into the bathroom. As they entered Shawn left the door just a little ajar.

He didn’t really want to have Scott come back early and catch them getting off together in the shower. But knowing that if he came back early he would probably go looking for them and hearing the shower running he would come to the bathroom and _see_ them. Just the risk of it happening, the possibility was making him light headed and his skin crawl with another level of excitement.

Shawn still didn’t want to deal with what it meant, that someone watching and the possibility of someone watching them was making him feel like this.

Niall’s was smirking at him again and Shawn blushed hard even if most of his blood had moved elsewhere by now. “Shut up” he muttered and Niall chuckled. “love, I didn’t say anything.”

Shawn took a deep breath the light banter making his nerves almost disappear completely. His first time really having sexual contact with a guy would be today. They would not only see but touch. They were really going to do this.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!
> 
> Gosh I'm so sorry, it was way too long since I updated last. I hope it was worth the wait. I feel a little bad for how the chapter ends as well but now you have something to look forward to in the next chapter (;
> 
> I hope all of you guys have had a great start of 2018. Keep on loving ❤ ❤ ❤
> 
> Chapter notes:  
> I tried to be as realistic with the house as possible. After some research I am 99% sure that Shawn's real apartment is located where it's described in the chapter (the walking time is estimated from google maps) although I do not know on which floor he lives so that part is just my imagination.  
> The picture at the end of the chapter is of the view from the apartment and is taken from a live-stream of Shawn's.


	33. A Special Shower

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shawn and Niall have that shower together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fair warning as you can probably guess this is almost entirely smut so if that's not your cup of tea you should probably skip this chapter.  
> I wrote this entire thing in just one day which makes me feel rather accomplished. Hope it lives up to your expectations.  
> Only love ❤
> 
> Enjoy the chapter (:

**Chapter 33: A Special Shower**

Niall had never imagined that morning that he would be in this situation now. He had almost given up hope that it would happen under this trip and accepted that he would have to wait a while longer for it to finally happen. That he would have to wait to have Shawn for real, to feel all of him against himself.

Now though they were just minutes away from starting something and there were a million emotions running through his body. He hadn’t been able to pass up on the opportunity to have and take Shawn, make him his unconditionally. It was maybe not how he had envisioned for their first time together to pan out but it didn’t really matter were, when or how it happened, all that really mattered was that the experience was with Shawn.

He had thought about this moment a few times, how it would be and how it would feel but he didn’t think anything could prepare him for the real thing. Some things you just couldn’t prepare for you just had to make it work when it happened.

Some people would maybe think this was hastened or unplanned and unromantic, they would be intimate for the first time in a shower in an unfamiliar place as it was. Niall had fantasized about having a grand dinner, maybe a romantic movie, some of Shawn’s favorite music playing, all of which would lead to the perfect atmosphere and them having that special first time.

Somehow this felt better though, it felt more natural, more genuine in a way. If they had a big romantic evening leading up to the spectacular act of making love well that would just build up the nerves and make the pressure rise for it to be something extraordinary. The whole evening before it actually happened would be charged and maybe even forced. Doing it that way didn’t really feel like them.

This way it just happened when they had the chance and there was no pressure for it to become something unearthly even if he knew it would be anyway. They could just do what they felt like doing and it would be the right thing, no expectations.

And it was romantic, they had just decided to get a home together. To be intimate with each other after that and show each other how much they loved each other with their bodies how could that not beat any staged and cliched night planned to the last detail. In Niall’s eyes this was the perfect way to get to connect and explore together, express their love with actions.

He had just taken off his shirt and was standing in just his pants in the bathroom. Shawn was standing just inside the slightly open door, he was biting his lip making it look almost as dark as cherry red when he let it free again. The bathroom was white making everything about Shawn seem even more vibrant and colourful than it normally would.

Shawn seemed almost lost, Niall knew why, he felt the same way at least to a certain extent. He remembered his first time having sex, and the feeling of not knowing if he would even like it or if he would be good at it, if he would even know what to do or how to do it right. If she would like it and if he would be able to satisfy her. He remembered being insecure about his body and inexperience, remembered being almost scared he would fuck it up.

He didn’t feel like that today, some of it having to do with being older but mostly because this first time was with Shawn. He knew he would love whatever he and Shawn did together, he knew Shawn would as well, he had never been more certain about anything. He'd been insecure about his body compared to Shawn's and others but even that fear had been put to rest by his boyfriend in the past. Knowing Shawn appreciated him and loved everything about him made him feel confident even now, when Shawn looked at him he felt sexy. Something no one else had really been able to do for him before.

If this had been with anyone else than Shawn he would be terrified and he would have felt all those insecurities and uncertainties he had felt before. With Shawn it was different though. Very different, because he was secure in their love and how Shawn felt about him. That made everything so much better and less frightening.

There was this tingling feeling though and that twist to his stomach. That feeling of butterflies and like your stomach wanted to turn itself inside out. That feeling was exactly the same feeling that he had had before he had lost his virginity the first time. He wasn’t a virgin by most standards but he had never had sex with a guy before so it was like starting over, to take a step into the unknown and to never look back. It was thrilling and at the same time intimidating as most new things were.

Shawn looked like he had no idea what to do, just standing inside the door looking at Niall. Niall thought he looked like a lost little puppy and he wished Shawn would never lose that innocence, it was so adoring.

He knew when they started Shawn would lose it though. Their Skype sessions had proved he had wild sides he seemed to not even know about himself, Niall looked forward to explore them all and to find out all the things Shawn liked and disliked in bed. He shivered at the thought and decided that the stalling had to end. He needed Shawn close to him and now.

“What do you want” he had some ideas but he needed to ask and for Shawn to be okay with whatever they would do. Okay with him leading the way and maybe even tell him what to do as they had done previously. This was different than those times though, before he had only told Shawn what he should do to himself and he could have just stopped whenever he wanted to. This time he could do things to Shawn himself, could make him take whatever he had to give. He needed to know what he wanted before he went somewhere Shawn would not be comfortable with.

Shawn looked to the side of Niall’s head and shrugged almost nonchalantly but Niall could tell he was just trying to mask his inner desires, that he was trying to not let himself let go completely. Niall wanted him to do just that, to let go, let his mind not decide and leave it to instinct and to his body to lead him instead. “Come on love, ya know you want to, that you want me to.”

Shawn swallowed and then he looked at him flushing and seeming to finally leave the pretense of having some semblance of control behind. “I, I want you to… Whatever you want, yeah I want you to do whatever and make me do whatever _you_ want” Shawn said the sentence starting out quietly and unsure but in the end he sounded confident and sure of himself. Niall smiled, he would do just that then and he would take good care of Shawn.

He held his breath drinking Shawn in with his eyes, he had a hard time believing it was finally happening. That Shawn trusted him this much to really just give himself over to him. That Shawn, this young amazing guy with a killer body was his and only his. He would get to see and touch that. He had seen Shawn naked before but not in real life and now he would, it was a lot to take in.

Shawn seemed to do the same and to really take in the moment and the enormity of what they were about to do together.

As the seconds ticket by and Shawn didn’t move Niall was about to move himself but thought better of it, he wanted Shawn to come to him. “What are you waiting for?” he asked looking as Shawn intensely.

Shawn looked embarrassed but took a step towards Niall “um I was eh waiting for you to tell me what to do” Niall swallowed and shook his head, Shawn was just not real. “I need you to tell me, no _make_ me do what you want” Niall wanted nothing more.

He licked his lips and nodded towards Shawn, he still had on most of his clothes as he hadn't shed half of it in the hallway like Niall had before they had even entered the room.

“Start with taking those clothes off and then take my pants off too” he ordered and Shawn smiled and started to unbutton his shirt not in a rush but not leisurely either. Niall had to restrain himself not to help him, now when he could as Shawn was right there rather than just a vision on a screen.

Shawn’s shirt fell to the floor and before Niall had time to brace himself Shawn had hooked his own fingers in the waistband of his trousers and in one swift movement he lowered both garments sliding them down his body.

Niall felt speechless, he was supposed to be the one in control but Shawn and Shawn’s body made him lose all wits about himself and what he planned to say just flew out the window. He had seen naked blokes before, he had even seen naked guys with erections but he had never felt something for any of them.

Watching Shawn go towards him now though made him feel all kinds of want though, he wanted to touch, to feel, to do anything and everything with Shawn. Shawn’s cock was even more impressive in real life and Niall didn’t know how he could ever measure up to that. He looked almost painfully erect, Niall was astonished knowing he was the reason for that.

He must have stared or made a noise or something because Shawn chuckled. “Like what you see” he said and all Niall could do was nod, “yeah” he said taking in a breath. The he shook his head trying to gather his thoughts again “ya know I do” Shawn just smirked and made his advances. Niall promised himself he would wipe that smirk off Shawn’s handsome face.

Then Shawn was right there in his personal space and he could feel his hard on up against his thigh. Shawn's hands going down his sides making him shudder and swallow audibly. He was sure his prick had just leaked some precum and Shawn hadn’t even done anything more than kiss him out in the hallway before now.

One of Shawn’s hands sneaked down his front and cupped him making him moan. He needed to get back the upper hand so he breathed against Shawn’s ear before he whispered “I wish we had your dildo to play with” which had the desired effect of making Shawn gasp and let out an “ahhhh yes.”

Niall smirked with satisfaction, Shawn being into dirty talk was a huge turn on. It had also been such an erotic thing to witness, Shawn’s lips and arse alike around the toy would forever be etched into his memory. He brought his hand back to the top of Shawn’s crack and then continued whispering in Shawn’s ear “you should bring it on tour” to which Shawn just breathed and nodded seeming a lot more dazed than only minutes ago.

He would have loved to have the dildo today because he knew him and Shawn would do something today but they wouldn’t shag, they weren’t prepared for that. There were a million other things they could do though.

Shawn’s hands moved again and before Niall knew it they had dragged his pants down his thighs and he stepped out of them without hesitation. Now they were both naked and Niall dragged Shawn’s body against his own, feeling all of him against himself for the first time without any barrier.

“Holy moly…” it was like nothing he had felt before. The strong muscles of Shawn’s thighs and the hardness of his manhood against his stomach his own cock nestled between the base of Shawn’s and his thigh.

Feeling someone else's cock against your own was something Niall had never thought too hard about before, now he wondered how he had lived so long without it. “Yeeeah” Shawn breathed and one of his large hands moved him even closer against his body by taking one of Niall’s arse cheeks in his hand and pushing him lightly against himself.

Niall couldn’t help but look down between their bodies, getting a glimpse of their cocks snuggled together. It was one of the single hottest things he had ever witnessed and his mouth felt dry as he groaned.

He couldn’t help but thrust up along Shawn’s shaft once and then he laughed. “Ugh Niall” Shawn let out but Niall stepped back although reluctantly. He took a breath and closed his eyes trying to calm down just a little bit.

“We better get in the shower before we lose control and get a mess to clean up after all” he got out and Shawn just stared for a moment but then he laughed too. They could have grounded against each other right there and it would have all been over before it really even started and they both knew it.

They made their way into the shower and got the spray going. They had no lube or anything else here so they would have to work with what they did have.

Shawn was looking at him somehow from under his eyelashes even as he had to look down to meet Niall’s eyes. “What do you want me to do?” he asked all innocently again and Niall had to bite his lip to not blurt something out. He had to make this last and to not jump the gun.

He backed to the wall of the shower and then he thought back to Shawn and his dildo, how he had given him a show before he had made his way over to that window. His mind was a little clouded at the thought and instead of giving a coherent command he just looked at Shawn's mouth and the down at his twitching penis.

He knew Shawn had never given a blow job before, but he had looked to very content and intrigued when he had gone down on the dildo so he was certain he would like the real thing. He would reciprocate someday, he wanted to for sure but standing on his knees on the hard floor of the shower was not a good idea. Shawn’s cock looked absolutely delicious though.

Shawn smiled and nodded “you want me to give you a blow job” Niall nodded not trusting his voice to speak. But then he remembered he wanted to make this last and he shook his head just after his nod making Shawn frown.

“I want you to…kiss me” he waited a moment before adding “ _everywhere”_ Shawn licked his lips and crashed into him, his lips on the mission to fulfill Niall’s request.

After five minutes and at least a few love bites where Shawn had gotten a little too enthusiastic Niall started to regret his earlier words, even if Shawn kissing him from head to toe was amazing he hadn’t intended to postpone having him where he really needed him this long.

His balls ached and his dick was screaming as Shawn dragged his tongue on the inside of his thigh, close but still not quite there. He wasn’t going to ask him, beg him to go faster though. He was supposed to not succumb to Shawn it was supposed to be the other way around. Shawn’s lips and tongue was out of this world though, wherever Shawn’s mouth had been felt like on fire.

He was about to just guide Shawn where he wanted him by his hair when he _finally_ felt a wet tongue leave it’s trail up his thigh and then he felt a feather light kiss to his cockhead. He looked down and was met with Shawn’s sparkling eyes and his lips looking puffy and red from overuse. Shawn’s fringe was dripping slightly not with water, the shower was on but it was cascading down behind them, his hair was wet from sweat a lock having slightly curled out over his forehead.

Niall was fascinated how one human being could be utterly perfection, Shawn just looked at him though and Niall knew what he was waiting for and he shivered knowing Shawn was completely under his mercy. Niall brought out a hand and caressed the side of Shawn’s head swiping his thumb over those lips before he carded them through those dark brown locks of hair.

He nodded his head once and that was all that Shawn needed to drop his gaze and devote all his attention to little Niall. Niall had known it was coming but it was still almost too much. He felt his hand grab tight on Shawn’s hair and the other going to the wall so he could brace himself.

If this was Shawn’s first time giving head Niall wasn’t sure he would survive it when he was more experienced. He had had blow jobs before but never had it felt this all consuming, the heat, the kitten licks around his crown, the swiping around his shaft. He wanted to watch Shawn as he worked him over but it was too much and he closed his eyes “fuck, gahhh” he could not see or think as Shawn was relentless down there. He could only feel, it was like stars exploding behind his eyes. It felt like his whole body was trembling.

“Mmm, hmmm” Shawn was humming around him and he dragged his tongue through Niall’s slit. It seemed as if Shawn was enjoying himself and as if every drop of precum he drew out of him was a reward. Niall was going out of his mind, feeling as if he was going crazy.

He knew that if Shawn would start to bob his head up and down his shaft, wank the base of it or even just caress his balls he would come without a doubt but instead of doing anything of that the heat or Shawn’s tongue and his mouth around the head of his cock disappeared.

It took Niall a few seconds to realize that Shawn had stopped and he blinked his eyes a few times before looking down at his tormentor.

Shawn had sat back on his hunches and was looking back up at him biting his lip before dragging his tongue over it. Niall just stared at him and then rasped out “why did ya stop?” you could almost think he was the one that had just sucked cock considering how horse and breathless he sounded.

Shawn blushed and looked almost as if he was embarrassed “I, I didn’t want you to come yet…” he shook his head and twisted his hands “I mean I want to taste you, all of you but I also want to have you… eh give me my own special shower” Niall was unsure what Shawn meant at first.

Then he just opened his mouth, he wanted Niall to come _on_ him. Okay that was hot, did Shawn have a mild humiliation kink as well. They would have to talk about it at some point soon. Now though it was time to make Shawn's wish come true.

Niall leaned down slightly so he could grab Shawn by the arm, Shawn’s strong bicep under his fingers made him lick his lips. He loved how Shawn was so much stronger than him but how he was still the one in control, how Shawn could maneuver him however he wanted but let Niall calling the shots instead.

Their lips clashed together when Shawn was on his feet again and Niall groaned into the kiss. Even if he hadn’t come into Shawn’s mouth it was still traces there. Shawn’s tongue that had been all over him just a minute ago was now invading his mouth and it was his new favorite taste. It was that musk of man and that essence of sex but there was also the distinct taste that was always there, that was simply Shawn. He wondered if Shawn’s taste would be the same when he would blow him, if it would just be more intense, muskier but still the same.

It was his time to make Shawn see stars, he brought his hand down and for the first time he let his fingers touch the skin of his cock. It was a bit weird how it was almost the same but still different from having your own dick in your hand. The skin was soft as velvet but under it he was hard as stone. He didn’t keep stroking him for long though just, one, two, three, quick strokes and then he scooped up the precum that had started to leak out and used it as lube to coat his fingers.

Shawn seemed as he would lose his footing so Niall leaned him against the wall of the shower with his hands against the wall and his arse outwards. He couldn’t help but mutter “your arse is just perfection” as he looked at the globes and the puckered skin around a tight hole that you could glimpse between them.

Shawn let out something sounding like something between a chuckle and a moan. “Ugh, it would be even more perfect with something inside” Niall marveled once again at how he had found someone like Shawn.

He moved forward and took one of the muscles in his hand so that he could move it aside slightly to see Shawn’s hole. How something like that could hold so many secret pleasures was beyond him but he was glad God or whoever created them made the arsehole such an erogenous zone in addition to a shithole.

He knew Shawn could take it so without any warning he pushed a finger in “oh yes” was Shawn’s reaction. He had seen Shawn do this to himself before but to see his own finger enveloped by that strong body and see his reaction to it was even better.  

He would love to taste him there as well but he wanted Shawn to be thoroughly cleaned before then. It would also be more comfortable doing that on a bed and not somewhere with hard surfaces. He looked forward to it though.  

He worked his finger in and out a few times and before long he worked in another. When he had three fingers deep in Shawn he started to feel around and was awarded with a “ahhh damn…” and Shawn bucking a little and hanging with his head “hell yeah, again.” Niall smiled at having found Shawn’s prostate.

He started to fuck Shawn in earnest with his fingers and it wasn’t long before Shawn was letting out moans every other second. “Niall, please… harder” could be heard frequently as well. Niall complied until Shawn let out a broken “God, I’m so clooh, close” then he stopped making Shawn let out a distressed noise.

He turned Shawn around and their eyes met, they knew they didn’t need to say something as it was written all over both of their faces how they had never felt something like they felt being intimate with each other. Maybe they had secretly always preferred the male body but Niall didn’t think so, no it was simply because it was with Shawn and it wouldn't have mattered what body parts he had or didn’t have. Shawn was perfect for him and that was all there was to it.

They mended their bodies together again and this time Niall let his hand wrap around them both, Shawn was standing with his legs a bit spread to balance out their height difference.

After a few strokes Shawn’s hand joined his and they wanked their cocks together. As Shawn had just had his hole and prostate tortured he was closer than Niall was to his release. Niall wanting to also mark Shawn as his like Shawn had left signs of their coupling all over his body started biting on his shoulder, almost drawing blood.

Niall’s rough treatment of his tender skin between his shoulder and neck seemed to be what made Shawn break and he shook but he didn’t come not until Niall swiped his thumb over Shawn’s cockhead licked over the bite and craned his neck a little to be able to lick his ear before saying just one word “come."

It was like a damn broke, Shawn’s body convulsing almost as he let go and came harder than Niall had thought possible. Niall was very close to follow right behind him into the land of blissful euphoria especially when Shawn whined out his name in the most erotic way he had ever heard “Niiiiiiahhhhhll.”

He bit down on his tongue though and held it off remembering Shawn’s wish from earlier. When Shawn finished coming Niall let him slide down to the floor of the shower. His hand was sticky from Shawn’s come and being curious he brought it up to lick it off of one of his fingers. He liked it more than he thought he would but then again it was the essence of Shawn and that made all the difference.

Shawn made a grunt and Niall looked down at him, he looked almost boneless where he sat on the floor. He was pouting though, his expression was almost like if someone had snatched up the last cookie from the cookie jar leaving him with only breadcrumbs. “Don’t be greedy, I want some too.”

Niall raised an eyebrow and licked off the come from one of his other fingers as well and Shawn made a face and it looked almost as if he was going to be angry that Niall was withholding him the come.

He chuckled “I’ll give you something better" he said and spread the come left on his hand all over before he took hold of his own cock. Shawn’s eyes brightened and NIall groaned. He shouldn’t be this excited by being drenched in come but oh how hot it was that he wanted it so much.

He wanked himself and just the knowledge that he would soon see Shawn dripping with his come was bringing him right to the edge. “Where, where do you want it?” Shawn just shook his head as if it didn’t matter. Niall wanted to know though, needed to know if he could just let go or if he had to restrict himself somehow.

“Where?” Shawn drew in his bottom lip and shook his head as if he decided to fuck it. “All over, my chest, cock… my face” and that was it. Niall let go and watched as his come sailed through the air, almost as in slow motion until it splashed against Shawn’s skin.

Shawn had to close his eyes as Niall’s load was hitting him _everywhere._ There was so many things about this that was beyond hot but the one thing Niall could not wrap his head around was how Shawn seemed to love it. How he just glowed as the come hit him and started dripping down his skin.

As he finished he couldn’t do more than stare and groan. Shawn hadn’t even opened his eyes yet but he was already licking his lips and around his mouth tasting his come that was there. It was obscene, like taken straight from an x rated movie.

Shawn opened his eyes and smiled at him blissfully. Niall just shook his head “wow. I mean, holy hell mate, how are ya even real?” Shawn laughed and shrugged.

Niall helped Shawn up not long after that and helped him clean up his face by licking his fair share of come of his skin. He tried to not swallow too much of it and when he was satisfied he kissed Shawn hard but leisurely.

Shawn moaned when Niall entered his tongue and snowballed the come he had not swallowed. “Thanks for sharing” Shawn said when they broke apart and Niall smiled in response. Sharing body fluids had never been this hot before, he hadn’t known it could be so desirable.

After that they actually used the shower for well showering. They had a little time but not so much to spare so they had to wash without letting their bodies lure them into a round two. Unfortunately, Niall wondered how they would be able to keep their hands from each other now when they had done it once. If it was hard before it would just be so much harder to keep away now when he knew what it was like to be with Shawn in that way.

He was carding his hand through Shawn’s hair making sure to wash it thoroughly, they couldn’t risk to leave any traces of come behind. “I could let you massage my head all day” Niall chuckled and tugged a little “mmm, especially if you’re doing that.”

“I’d love to but we can’t” he said reluctantly. Scott would be back soon and as much as he wished they didn’t need to it was time to make their way out of the shower and redress to make themselves presentable again.

Shawn laughed and looked sheepish “I actually forgot that we’re on a viewing” he said shaking his head. Niall smirked because that meant he had actually made Shawn forget everything that wasn’t him and what they were doing. “Not a word” Shawn muttered and Niall laughed. It was tempting to tease Shawn but he was going to let the guy keep some of his pride, for now at least.

Shawn looked at him and tilted his head “hey you never answered before, what do you think of this place?” Niall smiled and looked around as if he was considering it. When he looked back Shawn looked nervous again as if he seriously thought Niall would maybe say he didn't like it all that much.

“I like it because you do, I can tell you really like it and seeing you happy makes me happy” it was true and he knew how cheesy it sounded but he also knew it was how he felt. He liked it as a place just fine, but seeing Shawn happy was the most important thing. Shawn smiled so bright and kissed him so sweetly that he thought that he would have told him he liked it even if the apartment had been the ugliest place he had ever seen just to cause that smile to bloom on Shawn’s face. How he loved him, almost frighteningly so.

They finished dressing themselves and closed the door to the bathroom. Niall looked around the main living area “considering this flat now holds some very special memories I think it’s perfect as our first home together” Shawn just beamed at him and looked around himself. “Our first time in our first home, couldn’t really get much better than that” Niall agreed, it really couldn’t get much better than that.

Well except “now we just have to christen the rest of the place when we've moved in” Shawn just laughed. “I can’t wait” Niall looked longingly towards the windows and nodded “me either.”


	34. Big Brother

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shawn becomes aware of how Aaliyah knows too much and Manuel knows too little.

**Chapter 34: Big Brother**

Shawn closed the door behind him and made his way down the hall, he had decided to have a workout this morning. He had been slacking a little the last few days, they had been busy with rehearsals and having Niall there made him prioritize a little differently as he just wanted to spend every minute with the other boy.

Yesterday had been, he really didn’t have words for it. He didn’t know what he had thought it would be like but it had exceeded any and every expectations and more. Just thinking about what they had done made him warm and he was glad no one was around as he was sure he was red all out to the tips of his ears.

He was unsure where he had gotten the courage from but he was glad he had been able to tell Niall what he had really wanted in the moment and getting it had just blown his mind. He wasn’t sure where his desires came from but he knew when in the moment that had been what he wanted. It was weird how he could feel empowered when he was giving Niall the okay to be in charge. It didn’t really matter though as long as what they did made him feel this great, as long as it felt natural and Niall didn’t find it weird he would not question his instincts.

As far as he was concerned as long as it just worked he wouldn’t need to think about it, he just had to listen to what he wanted and then they could act on it and that was that. If anything yesterday had shown that they were sexually compatible and that he would never have to be concerned on that regard.

He had asked Niall that morning if he wanted to come with him on a run and some weight lifting but his boyfriend had just shaken his head and looked disappointed in him. Apparently today it was the Masters Sunday and it was almost a crime to not be benched in front of the TV the whole day as it was the “favourite sporting day of the year” according to Niall.

Shawn chuckled, it was rather adorable how Niall was such a fanboy about golf. He had been going on about Justin Rose that morning. Shawn also shook his head thinking back to how Niall had made a comment about how they needed an enormous TV in their new home just to be able to watch golf. Shawn would be happy to accommodate him, after all Niall had sacrificed parts of the masters to go out with him yesterday and if Niall choose you over golf you knew that you were extremely important to him.

It wasn’t all just a hobby though, Niall used his influence and interest in the sport to make good things happen. He had been presented with the Arnie Award and Shawn was very proud of him. He had known from before he even got to know Niall how he was a man that used the money he earned and the influence he had from the fame to help people and to give back. Niall getting awards like this one made him remember how he was so lucky to have found such a genuinely good guy.

He would probably join Niall and watch some of the competition later in the day but for now he just wanted a thorough workout.  He was just walking by Aaliyah’s half opened door when he was stopped by her voice coming from inside “Shawn could you come and help me with this math equation?” it was accompanied  by some footsteps, like she had been on her way to the door but had abruptly turned around.

Shawn frowned as his sister didn’t often ask him about help with homework but shrugged it off and entered the room closing the door behind him. His sister was sitting on her bed with a slight smirk on her face making Shawn feel a little uneasy, that look was one she usually wore when she knew something she shouldn’t. Which to his dismay was all too often in his opinion.

She smirked and raised her eyebrows which was something she often did when she was going to wait and see if he would tell her whatever she thought she knew without having to prompt him first. What really made Shawn squirm was how her expression was eerily similar to the one Scott had had the day before.

The realtor had gotten back just minutes after they had finished up in the bathroom. That hadn’t been a problem but what they hadn’t thought about was how their hair had still been wet from the shower. Scott had given them a once over before he had smirked at them with a raised eyebrow and looked at them as if he knew _exactly_ what they had been up to while he had been gone.

Shawn blushed at the memory just as he had done when Scott had looked at them like that. He knew it was impossible for them to know what they had done in the shower but it was still making him embarrassed. Or maybe he was actually getting a little excited by the idea of them knowing something, he had a hard time to differentiate between his feelings.

He shook his head, Aaliyah didn’t know anything, she couldn’t. Instead of giving her anything he looked around noticing she didn’t have any school work in front of her. “You know I’m not that good at math, where is your book anyway?”

Aaliyah just rolled her eyes and waved her hand in a dismissive gesture “just an excuse to get you alone. So spill” she looked way too excited and Shawn was not sure what she wanted him to tell her. “What…”

Aaliyah sighed “well obviously I want to know what you and Niall did yesterday, I’m curious you know” her eyes sparkled and Shawn knew he was staring at her with his mouth opened. She was his baby sister and she wasn’t supposed to even think about stuff like what he and Niall had done together.

He wasn’t going to tell her anything of course but he was wondering how she could possibly know that they had even done anything. “How Aaliyah… how would you even know?”

She made a triumphant noise and Shawn realized he had just confirmed that they had indeed done something. He looked desperately at his sister who just laughed at him, he hoped she would let it go. It was bad enough having your sister know you had had sex, having her making inquiries about your sex life was unthinkable. They were close but not _that_ close.

She made a gesture as if saying please. “You two got home yesterday looking like you had been to the moon and back. It was almost like you were actually glowing” she shook her head but she was still grinning. Shawn didn’t know what to say as she probably had a point, he had felt like on cloud nine all day yesterday.

Aaliyah was not supposed to be able to take one look at them and be able to tell that what they exuded was afterglow. He looked at her a little distressed, she was supposed to be his innocent little sister at least for a few more years to come.

“You are not supposed to know about that, you’re 13” once again Aaliyah rolled her eyes and looked like her patience was running out. She gestured at Shawn and her smirk was still there now even more prominent than before.

She patted the bed beside her. “Dear brother I may be young but I’m not blind” Shawn sat down looking down into his lap. He blinked at her words and then he felt his cheeks bloom “what” he rasped out not really wanting to hear the answer.

Aaliyah laughed “I may be wrong as that mark between your shoulder and neck could have been made by a vampire rather than Niall” she said teasingly. If Shawn had been blushing before he was burning up now.

He had on an tank top which maybe had not been the smartest choice of attire, he should have taken a track suit but it was easy to be thoughtful in hindsight. It was even more mortifying that it could apparently be seen that Niall had not just left a hickey behind but actual teeth marks.

He glanced at Aaliyah who was grinning at him knowingly “so, anything you want to share about your rendezvous” she wiggled her eyebrows at him suggestively. Shawn just shook his head not going to say anything as he knew whatever he said would just fuel gasoline on the fire.

“You’re no fun” Aaliyah shook her head in mock disappointment and pouted playfully. Shawn was about to make a retort to that saying something about how she was teasing him because he and Niall had had a lot of fun but he bit down on his tongue not wanting to really go there.

Aaliyah ruffled his hair and clapped him on the shoulder “nah I’m just having fun making you squirm, I really just wanted to warn you.” Shawn took the pillow on the bed and smacked it at her head, not hard but still taking Aaliyah by surprise.

“Hey, what was that for” she said looking sternly at him but you could see that she was still amused underneath her stern exterior. “For making me think you wanted me to tell you all about my sex life, that’s what” he said but at the same time chuckled to himself.

He looked at his sister fondly, even if it was frustrating how well she knew him it was still nice knowing she was exactly as she would have been if Shawn had dated a girl instead of Niall. She was treating him just the same, because really he was and who he dated didn’t and shouldn’t make a difference.

She had a raised eyebrow at him saying “I’m your little sister if I can’t tease you about these things then who can, it’s kind of my responsibility.” Shawn didn’t really agree but she was right in that she was the only one that could do it and get away with it without it becoming awkward. It was just sibling love, their way to show each other they cared.

Then he remembered what Aaliyah had said before he had hit her with the pillow “what did you mean about warning me” she sighed and looked at him as if he was daft and that it should have been obvious.

She moved her gaze to the mark on his skin “I mean that you should probably go and change before our parents catch you looking like _that_ ” she shook her head in exasperation before she continued making another good point. “I‘m pretty sure you left your mark behind too” her grin was blinding. “So if I was you I would definitely go and warn Niall to cover those up before leaving your room.”

Shawn paled because if Niall had gone out in just his shorts or in a tank top like he had it would be no chance anyone would miss what they had done yesterday. Or well mistake what Niall had been up to at the very least. He wondered what he had thought with when leaving love bites and hickeys on more places than a few, he would definitely have to talk with Niall about shielding them.

He was glad just then that he had only the one and that the mark Niall had left on his skin was not placed too high up, it was just over his collarbone meaning a normal shirt would do the work of covering it up.

Aaliyah was right about the other thing as well. Even if Aaliyah catching him and figuring out what they had been up to was not preferable as it meant her teasing him mercilessly he was actually almost happy she knew. That someone else knew that he was finally Niall’s in every way and that he even had a mark to show for it. He bit his lip thinking how they had literally claimed each other, there was no other way to put it.

It was loads better that Aaliyah was the one knowing though than if their parents had seen the mark and had started asking questions. Their mum would probably just raise her eyebrows and look at him knowingly but she wouldn’t ask too many questions. As it was Shawn had his suspicions their mum already knew about him and Niall and that she was just waiting for him to tell her himself. Their dad though, well he would probably think Shawn had met up with a girl and not thinking he was dating anyone he would go to the conclusion that Shawn must have had a one night stand.

Shawn shivered at the thought, and he felt rather sad that his father would presumably rather think he would have had an one night stand than that he would be with Niall. He sighed, after all he couldn’t blame his dad as he had not given a reason for him to think otherwise.

He stood up and headed for the door to head back and talk to Niall before changing and making a new attempt at going for a workout. Before leaving he turned back looking at Aaliyah though and nodded at her giving her a grateful smile “thanks sis, you’re a lifesaver.”

She just smiled at him in a slightly irritating and confident way before she answered with a cocky “I know” Shawn was unable to do anything other than chuckle at how ridiculous his sister was, too knowing and smart for her own good.

**SHIALL**

They were leaving for England in a couple of days but Shawn had to start thinking about packing already, when you were going on tour you had to think about a lot of things beforehand. He was looking at the rows of clothes in his closet and sighed, choosing your stage outfits wasn’t the easiest. He took out a few shirts and pants and laid them out on the bed, he chuckled when he noticed that it was almost only black and grey. He wasn’t that adventurous when he came to clothes, he was more classically stylish.  

Maybe he should try to be a little bit more out there though, he could maybe ask Harry for some fashion advice sometime soon. Not that he would ever start wearing flower suits or glittery pants but he could at least start incorporating some more colour and maybe even some discreet patterns.

For now though he just grabbed a dark blue shirt and added it to the pile on his bed together with some other garments. As he stood there contemplating his choices his bedroom door was opened and someone entered the room.

Shawn turned around slowly and smiled at his dad who was making his way over to him. It wasn’t that often that they had time one on one just the two of them together and Shawn was happy to have him join him. They hadn’t really had time to talk under his visit so far, either he had been with Niall or out running other errands.

“Need any help packing son?” Manuel asked and Shawn nodded and made a gesture to his bed and they started to slowly but surely put together a wardrobe for his upcoming tour. They worked together in comfortable silence which was only interrupted occasionally by one of them making a comment or suggestion about the task at hand.

They were almost finished when Shawn was surprised by his dad changing the subject. “I’m glad that you’ve found someone like Niall” Shawn was startled and dropped the pair of socks he had been holding in his hands.

He swallowed, did his dad know that something was up between them. If it had been his mother being all too knowing he wouldn’t have been so surprised, but his father. All this time he had thought the older man had no idea and that he would have to break the news to him carefully. He had even been afraid of the reaction and now it turned out he already knew and was more than okay with it. He was even happy about him and Niall being together, it was almost too good to be true.

He bent down to pick up the socks at his feet and realized he hadn’t answered his father. He swallowed and got out an almost choked “me too”. Manuel smiled at him and patted him on the back lightly.

The show of support was overwhelming Shawn and he was so grateful over that he had been worried all for nothing. But then the bubble of happiness that had surrounded him by his father’s words and show of support burst abruptly by his father's next sentence. it had been too good to be true after all.

“I’m so happy that you’ve found a friend in the industri, someone you can look up to” he said and Shawn’s heart sank. His father had no idea what Niall really meant to him, he only thought he was a close friend and fellow artist.

He took a deep breath and wrought his hands together to keep them from starting to shake. This was it, he was at a crossroads. He could let this conversation go either of two ways. Either he corrected his father and let him know the truth or he just let him believe what he had just said was the truth. He didn’t want to keep deceiving him though and agreeing with what he was saying was really lying by omission.

Shawn knew that if he didn’t come forward now and when he and Niall’s relationship came out in the open, his father would be hurt. He would understand that they had been something even now and he would be so disappointed in Shawn for laying and for not trusting him with his secret.

Even if he may be disappointed by what Shawn had to tell him, he would surely be even more disappointed in him if he was kept in the dark by Shawn letting him believe in a lie. The knowledge that Shawn taking the safe and easy road and staying in the closet would in the end hurt both them and his father more than taking the hard road ahead was enough to make Shawn make up his mind.

He closed his eyes not sure if he would have the courage to do this otherwise, “dad… Niall he’s… he’s more than a friend to me” he held his breath awaiting a response. He was proud of himself, he had stuttered a little but he had gotten the words out.

When no response came he opened his eyes and looked at his father with trepidation. His father was still smiling, which made Shawn feel better and a little less terrified.

“I can tell you boys have gotten close, it’s great that you have found someone that can be like a big brother to you” Shawn just shook his head. He felt frustrated and desperate, the situation made him feel like laughing and crying at the same time. He kept both emotions at bay by biting at his tongue and squeezing his hand into a fist. He knew his father was not deliberately making this harder or was playing dumb. He just really didn’t see Niall being anything other than something platonic to Shawn and how could Shawn really blame him.

It was like if the universe was giving him another chance to back down, to take his words back and chicken out. He could still stay in the closet. He wasn’t going to though, he had decided it was happening today. Having his father thinking he saw Niall as a brother was even worse than having him believe he was just a friend.

So he looked his father in the eyes and let out a simple “no” his father tilted his head in bewilderment. “What do you mean no?”

Shawn sighed and sat on the other bed in the room, the one that had been put there for Niall. The one that hadn’t really been used but still stood there just to keep up pretense.

“We should probably sit down for this” he could only imagine what his next words would be like for his father. Manuel’s brows were furrowed as he took a seat beside Shawn, he was looking at him confused and his expression was also marred with concerns. “Shawn what’s the matter, you’re making me worried.”

Shawn couldn’t keep it in anymore, he had to tell him. It was now or never, he couldn’t hold the words in another second. “Niall is not like a brother, he’s… I love him dad, I’m _in love_ with him” he had to make it clear this time. Being in love with someone, there was no way to misinterpret that.

His dad just looked at him for a few seconds without saying anything. It seemed like his words was taking a few seconds to process. Then he just looked utterly flabbergasted and lost. As if his world had just been upended and all he knew had just flown out the window. Shawn swallowed hoping it was just confusion and shock and nothing else making the silence stretch out.

In the end he had to break the silence, he had to get a reaction, anything would be better that this. “Please dad, say something.”

Manuel shook himself out of his stupor and to Shawn every second more felt like an eternity. Even if he didn’t yet know what consequences his admission would lead to, a weight had been lifted of his chest. Just knowing the truth was out there to his dad was making him able to breath more easily.

“I… Shawn I don’t understand. You’re gay now?” Shawn sighed and shook his head. He knew this would a big thing to adjust to and that he couldn’t expect everyone to just understand. He wasn’t going to go into a lecture about how someone didn’t just become gay overnight or how there was so much more than just gay and straight.

Labels wasn’t what was important, the only thing that mattered was that he loved Niall and that was also the only thing that should matter to his father. The only thing that should matter to anyone that cared about him, that he had found a person that he loved and that loved him back. That he and Niall had found happiness in each other that was the only thing important and if people didn’t see that, it wasn’t Shawn’s problem.

Even if Shawn was certain of these things he still needed to try to make his father understand, had to make his father see it the way Shawn saw it. And if his father didn’t he at least needed him to accept it and be okay with him and Niall being together.

“No dad… I’m not gay, I just love Niall” he knew his dad would have a hard time with that but it was all he had to give him. Maybe it would have even made more sense to his father if he had been gay. If he had something more concrete to tell him than that he had just fell head over heels for a guy out of nowhere. “Niall is it for me dad, the person that I plan to spend my life with” he needed his dad to look beyond the guy thing and see that Shawn had found the perfect _person_ for him.

Manuel still looked out of it, as if his life would never be the same. Shawn felt a sliver of dread in his stomach and creeping up his chest. What if his dad just couldn’t see beyond the guy part. What if their relationship would never be the same.

Manuel sighed and looked at Shawn sadly. Shawn wanted to scream as the sliver of dread grew inside of him. This should have been a joyous conversation, he had just confessed to being in love and having found the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

“I won’t lie to you Shawn, I don’t understand and I need some time to think about all this” Shawn nodded he understood his dad needed to sort his thoughts through. After all it wasn’t like he had realized he had feelings for Niall and embraced it over night, he had needed time to come to terms with it himself. His dad hadn’t said he didn’t approve just that he needed some time to get to terms with the change. He could respect that.

His dad wasn’t homophobic, Shawn was sure of it. It wasn’t the fact that both Shawn and Niall was a couple of guys. It was the fact that he had never thought _Shawn_ would be with a guy. That it was a scenario his dad had never before imagined happening. Something that rocked what he believed was set in stone.

His dad stood up then and laid a hand on his shoulder “even if I don’t understand you can always talk to me.” Shawn felt all the nervousness and emotions inside him bubble up, Manuel had told him something he had really needed to hear. Even if he wasn’t completely on-board with the idea yet, he was there for Shawn and he still loved him.

Shawn lay down on the bed and stared up at the ceiling after his dad had departed, he felt a tear slowly go down his cheek. He wasn’t sure it it was relief or grief. He was relieved to have finally come out to one of his parents but at the same time it hadn’t gone as good as he had hoped. He could still see the confused and border on sad look in his dad’s eyes whenever he closed his own.

He put on his head phones and closed his eyes listening to the music. He needed to escape and let all of his emotions out. He needed Niall but Niall was out with Aaliyah, she had dragged his boyfriend out of the house doing god knows what. She had wanted him to go with her too but he had had to decline as he had to pack and prepare the last stuff for tour.

Shawn smiled through his tears when he thought about how proud Niall would be of him. He decided his tears was more out of relief than grief. His dad would see what he and Niall had was the real deal and would understand then. It would all be fine. He had to make himself believe that because if he didn’t he would have probably broken down right there and then.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi Guys ❤
> 
> Sorry for Niall being absent in this chapter but I felt like it was time for some one on one time between Shawn and members of his family. Also he finally came out to his dad, I feel so proud of him.
> 
> Not much else to say about this chapter other than that the clothing colour references and the part about Niall saying Masters Sunday is the favourite sporting day of the year is of course canon compliant. 
> 
> Have to mention both Niall and Harry's new original songs too, Niall playing the piano. Their talent never sees to amaze me! Medicine though, the lyrics, I'm so proud of Harry and how he expresses himself ❤
> 
> I'm actually seeing Harry again tomorrow, so excited!!! Hope you will have a good Sunday as well, ALL THE LOVE ❤❤❤


	35. Easter Dinner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaliyah and Niall is out shopping. They have Easter dinner and Manuel undertands some things but not others creating some tension.

**Chapter 35: Easter Dinner**

Being out with Aaliyah was an experience, she was a whirlwind and Niall had to concentrate to keep up. She was talking a lot and said they had to make this time they had together count. She wanted to get to know him better and NIall was all for that.

Niall was still a little weary around Shawn’s family as he knew how important they were to his boyfriend and he felt like he had to be liked by them. Shawn’s parents seemed to like him just fine, he hadn’t had an one on one conversations with them though so it was hard to really tell. So he was still trying his best to just give off a good impression and hoping that was going to be enough.

He knew it would be different when they were out, they liked him now when he was just Shawn’s friend but there was no guarantee that would still be the case when they knew he was their sons boyfriend. Would they think him good enough for Shawn, Niall just didn't know. Niall knew Shawn would berate him for even questioning if he was good enough but Niall couldn’t help the way he felt. On some level he would probably always be a little insecure about his own worth, especially compared to someone like Shawn.

With Aaliyah he didn’t have to think about making a good impression, didn’t have to be on alert to be the perfect guest or the perfect boyfriend material. He didn't have to win someone over. Aaliyah already knew and she accepted him as if he was her new brother, she accepted them and thought Niall was good enough for her brother.

It was refreshing having an ally like that, someone you could just let your guard down around. They had just had lunch and was now strolling down the street. Aaliyah stopped in front of a store and Niall turned around.

“You said you'd always envisioned something homey and intimate when thinking of your shows” Aaliyah said excitedly and waved at the store she was standing in front of. Niall walked back to her and looked in through the display windows.

It was some kind of carpet and garments store. It had an orient feeling about it, warm colours and patterns. Aaliyah was right it did give away a very homey and relaxing atmosphere. Niall tilted his head and smiled closing his eyes. he could definitely see it, him on a stage covered with carpets like the once in the store. It was that urban style he was after, the style he had envisioned for his set.

Aaliyah was smiling widely at him as if she could read his mind “come on we have to check it out.” Niall nodded and they made their way into the store.

They browsed around for a bit, there where a clerks person lurking around but she didn’t bother them. Seeming content in just being close enough that if they wanted assistance she could be there if needed.

Niall was about to tell Aaliyah they should head back out when a piece of fabric caught his eye. Shawn had talked about how he wished to make this tour more personal, how he wanted his dressing room to be more cozy. He looked at the tapestries smiling, a few of these would really make any room feel more warm and vibrant. Together with some mellowed lights and music it would be a very stimulating atmosphere.

Aaliyah was now standing next to him, she was looking at him curiously “what are you thinking?” Niall looked at her and smiled. “Well I was just thinking that one of those wall mats would look great in the dressing room on tour.” Aaliyah looked from him to the tapestries and back nodding excitedly, “great idea Niall, Shawn will love them.”

They ended up buying three. Aaliyah helping him with picking out the designs, all of them being mandala designs with one of them in different shades of blue with small flower details and a circular pattern reminding him a bit of peacock feathers. The second was also blue but with circles in different colours.

Aaliyah had found the third fabric, Niall had been a little hesitant at first but it was a nice design and he didn’t want to put it aside just because he was afraid of the implications. Or what he really was afraid of was that Shawn would take one look at it and not put it up because he was afraid of what people would read into it. It wasn’t even a rainbow design really, it was just splashes of colours. It even had small elephants in the pattern, which Niall thought Shawn would love. Aaliyah reassured him it was perfect and Niall surrendered deciding that If Shawn didn’t like it he would just put it up in his dressing room instead.

Niall frowned. Niall knew it was expected that they had separate dressing rooms and hotel rooms. Everyone thought they were just friends after all, but Niall didn’t want that. Niall wanted to go on tour with Shawn and share those spaces. Wanted it to be their dressing room or rooms, their hotel room and tour bus. He didn’t want it to be like it usually was between opening acts and the main artist or band. He would go crazy if they’d have to keep up pretense like that. He made a mental note of that he had to talk to Shawn about this soon.

They walked down the street with Niall holding the bag by his side “thanks for helping me choose these and for making me get them in the first place”, if he had been on his own he probably wouldn’t have bought them.

Aaliyah just shook her head “don’t mention it, in fact I love helping you decide on what to get Shawn” here she grinned and Niall felt he was missing something. Her eyes were sparkling as she continued. “When the day comes for buying rings and such I hope you’ll come to me” Niall almost choked on the air in his lungs.

He looked at her wondering if she was joking but she looked serious and determined. “What…” she rolled her eyes and sighed as if she had expected that response but had wanted to give him a chance to prove her wrong.

“When you decide it’s time to marry Shawn come find me, I want to help you choose the rings” Niall just blinked and looked at her. “When you decide it’s time to marry…” he parroted before questioning her “who even says we’ll get married?” He had to ask because they hadn’t even dated for two months yet and she was already talking like it was a done deal.

She chuckled “you want to get married someday right?” she asked and Niall not knowing what to say just nodded. She smiled and looked at him pointedly with an eyebrow raised. Aaliyah’s point had been made.

Niall felt warmth spread through him. Aaliyah was so sure that he and Shawn were forever that the only thing she needed to believe in that they one day would get married was that they both wanted to. She really was their biggest fan.

He didn’t want to give her the satisfaction of letting her know how much her determination and blind devotion in their relationship meant though so he tried to protest. “How do ya know I would be the one proposing?” it was a valid point, it could just as well be Shawn that would pop the question.

“I thought about that of course, I already told Shawn to come find me as well if he decided to get the rings” she looked very satisfied and happy. Niall just shook his head in amazement, it seemed Aaliyah would always be one step ahead.

She threaded her arm through his as they kept walking down the street. The street was almost deserted as it was a weekday and just after half past two in the afternoon. “Unfortunately I don’t know you as well as Shawn though” here she frowned before continuing “that will hopefully change however, future brother in law.” Niall wanted to get to know Aaliyah a lot better as well. He liked the concept of gaining a little sister by being with Shawn. Getting a second family was a nice bonus of finding love.

He suddenly stopped and started to laugh hysterically as a thought entered his brain. It was so absurd and yet not really. He thought about if the situation had been reversed and if _his_ sibling had talked about taking Shawn out ring shopping. The thought about Greg taking Shawn and giving him advice was making his stomach hurt. He really couldn’t see it happening but imagining it was funny all the same.

Then he stopped laughing just as abruptly as he had started. Greg didn’t even know about Shawn and him and even if Niall wasn’t expecting him to be as excited and wanting to be as involved as Aaliyah he still wanted Greg involved. He had been the best man at his brothers wedding and he wanted Greg to be the best man at his wedding. He could imagine having his real life brother together with the boys from 1D as his best men.

They would all be best men as he wouldn’t choose just one and make the others devastated, they would instead have to share the honor. He chuckled as he thought about how Harry would probably pout and how Louis would swear and stomp out of the room, if he had chosen a best man and that best man hadn’t been them.  

What if his brother wouldn’t want to though. Greg and him had had their differences and they had at times not seen eye to eye. Greg had from the beginning had a hard time with his fame, they still weren’t at the best of terms to be honest.

There was no way of knowing how Greg would take Niall’s relationship development and the future fallout when they went public. Looking at it realistically they would not only get backlash but they would probably also become the new _it_ LGBT celebrity couple, whether they wanted to or not really. He would not only be famous for his music but also for who he dated, it sounded strange to Niall but that was the world in the spotlight.

He needed Greg to be onboard with all that and for them to be okay again. The bright playfulness of imagining Greg wanting to be in the middle of his future wedding plans was not funny anymore as he couldn’t be fully certain he would even want to be a part of said future wedding at all. To be frank he had probably talked to and  spent more time with Aaliyah these past few days than he had with his own brother in years. That thought made Niall feel even more subdued.

Aaliyah seemed to have been on her way of asking what had been so funny but after taking one look at him had bitten down on her words. She took a breath before changing the subject instead, Niall was very grateful Aaliyah was so good at reading people. He didn’t feel like talking about his brother and their problems which made him a little reserved about telling him about Shawn.

He decided he would try to reach out to his brother, invite him to a show. He truly believed they would be able to sort out there problems if they just worked on it a little bit more.

“We should team up you know, like for Shawn’s birthday and the like. We could organize the best surprise parties together.” Aaliyah was looking decidedly smug and Niall was not about to tell her no. It was actually not a bad idea, the two of them teaming up when it came to Shawn. They both loved him and together they would be a force to recon with, Shawn would have no clue what was coming.

When he told Aaliyah as much she squealed and Niall knew he was in for a wild ride. He smiled at Aaliyah warmly, he really felt like he had gained a sister these past week and he couldn’t be any happier about now having her in his life as well as Shawn.

**SHIALL**

The dinner was just about finished when the front door opened to reveal Niall and Aaliyah coming in chatting happily between each other. Manual had to admit they seemed to get along really well. Niall seemed to get along well with them all and he had really enjoyed his presence these last few weeks.

Looking at him now though felt different than it had just that morning. Niall was still the same person and he and Shawn’s relationship was still the same the only difference was that now he knew there was something between them. He still had a hard time to wrap his head around that fact.

He had been less surprised if Aaliyah had announced she had a crush on the Irish man, even if that had been more inappropriate and alarming due to her age. That would still have made more sense to him.

After Shawn had told him that morning he had just spend hours thinking. He had of course also talked with his wife. She had just smiled and looked at him knowingly as if she was practicing her patience with him. Apparently she had known for weeks but wanted to give Shawn time and for him to get the chance to tell them himself. The only advice she had had for him was to _pull his head out of his arse and just get over himself already._ He chuckled, his wife was one force to be recon with just like their children.

He took her words to heart though and was going to try to do just that through the eater dinner they were about to share. He was going to open his eyes and to really take in what was in front of him. He was a lot of things, one of them oblivious but when he had the facts and saw the truth for himself he could grasp the facts and be reasonable.

As Niall and Aaliyah made their way towards the dining room he watched as Shawn made his way out from his room. He watched as they all stopped and Shawn looking a little worried said something in a hushed voice. Manuel was not able to overhear the conversation but by the others reaction he could imagine what it was all about.

Niall face had morphed into a grin and Aaliyah’s eyes had widened before she let out a surprised but happy squeal. Before Shawn could say anything further Aaliyah had grabbed him and dragged him down into a massive hug. Niall seemed to be just seconds behind her but before he could get to Shawn his son grabbed his arm.

Manuel swallowed as Shawn seemed subdued as he told Niall something. Niall frowned and then he looked into the dining room straight at Manuel. Manuel took in a breath but didn't look away. He was sure if Shawn hadn’t stopped him Niall would have kissed his son, right there in the hallway.

He wasn’t sure if he should be relieved or saddened that Shawn had felt the need to stop Niall for his benefit. He was almost certain that was what had had happened. Shawn thinking he wasn’t ready for displays of affection even if he knew the true nature of their relationship. To be honest Manuel wasn’t sure how he would have reacted. The thought of Shawn and Niall together had been with him all day and the notion had struck him as weird.

Now though he wasn’t so sure. There was something there, something he couldn’t point his finger on but Manuel could feel the connection. His son and Niall had something between them that made a closeness between them feel natural. Maybe it was how a simple touch or a few words made them grounded and how they seemed to communicate with more than just words. After Niall had looked at him he had turned back to Shawn and hugged him saying something in his ear which had made Shawn seem to relax and the tension he had been holding inside himself had just disappeared in front of his eyes.

They hadn’t been intimate in any more ways than showing support and still Manuel felt like he was watching something he shouldn’t so he looked away. Karen was standing in the doorway to the kitchen with a dish in hand which she was about to put on the table. She was smiling slightly looking at him and nodding as if telling him she knew he had understood what they had just witnessed.

Then it hit him, he had understood. He felt uncomfortable watching them because they were intimate but not in the way most people thought when hearing the word, they were emotionally intimate and he had not been prepared to see the love that was obviously there now when he knew to look for it. It was a little unsettling to know his still teenage son who he had thought single just hours ago was now in love. Not to mention it was with another guy. Although not wrong totally unexpected, at least it had been for him. It was just a lot to take in.

Aaliyah had now left the boys to embrace in the hallway and was standing in front of the table staring at him. He folded the paper he had been reading and braced himself, his daughter looked almost murderous.

“You don’t support Shawn and Niall’s relationship?” she had her arms crossed over her chest. Manuel sighed because that was not what he had said or how he felt. “That’s not…” he was interrupted by Aaliyah “if you somehow break them up, I will never forgive you” it was said with so much power and absolution he could only stare.

Manuel had not known about the relationship but it was apparent that Aaliyah had been aware. He knew that Aaliyah only fought for and stood up for things she really believed in, if she was this passionate about Shawn and Niall it could only mean she believed in them wholeheartedly.

“It’s not my intention” was the only thing he could think of saying. Aaliyah just huffed and it looked like she was going to give him a piece of her mind but Karen came to his rescue.

“Calm down honey. Please come with me and help with the eggs and give your father some time to reflect” Aaliyah looked torn between dismissing her mum and doing as she had been told. In the end she sighed and went towards the kitchen. However she was grumbling to Karen the whole way.

Manuel didn’t hear the whole tirade but he heard snippets. _But mum, why is he being so difficult_ and _Shawn’s happy why can’t he see that_ was the parts of what he caught which really made him think. He didn’t want to be difficult or work against Shawn’s happiness and he did see it. Shawn and Niall had just sat down on the other side of the table, he was almost certain they were even holding hands under the table.

They looked happy although a little worried and tense as they looked at him. The looks they were sending each other though was nothing else then filled with strength and reassurance. How could he be against something making Shawn have something resembling what he had with Karen.

He didn’t know what to say so he just gave them a small smile to show he wasn’t going to make their first dinner out as a couple difficult and it was okay to show what they felt. If it would make him feel weird and uncomfortable it would be on him and not them. He wasn’t able to get those thoughts out though and could only hope his body language and expression was conveying it to the boys on the other side of the table.

The moment dragged out and the silence was loud, it felt like an eternity until Aaliyah and Karen reentered the room. They joined them at the table, Aaliyah still shooting daggers at him with her gaze. Shawn looked at her with so much brotherly love Manuel felt his heart swell from love for his children “let it go Aaliyah” Shawn encouraged making her slump in her chair nodding resolute.

“Why don’t you share what you and Niall did today in town” Karen inquired. Aaliyah came to life immediately and retold their day and even showed them a few of their purchases which Shawn seemed to really like.

The dinner went smoothly after that with easy conversation and much laughter. Manuel was quieter than normal though as he observed his family and contemplated what he was seeing and what unfolding right in front of him. Shawn and Niall relaxed more and more as the dinner went and they started acting more and more like the couple they were.

It made him happy and he now understood what Shawn had tried to say before. He had found his Karen and Manuel really couldn’t blame him for wanting to hold on to that. People said love had strange ways and often was unexpected but when it happened you should embrace it and not question it. He had questioned it for just a moment but only because he couldn’t understand but now when he saw it with his own eyes shining bright and blossom he couldn’t berate it or be blind to it being something real.  

That he now saw it so clearly made him worried. It wasn’t even just that you could see the connection and love, you could almost feel it and it was so tangible that it felt like you could even taste it in the air. Manuel was not sure that was a good thing though.

He had not said anything about their relationship so far and felt like he needed to make sure they were being careful. “I stand with my earlier words that I’m happy you’ve found someone like Niall” he knew that Shawn would understand. Him saying it now when he knew was the same as saying he was accepting them as a couple.

Everyone became quiet, Shawn smiled and Manuel noticed it was the first real smile he had given him after his confession.

Niall bent down and kissed Shawn on the cheek “not as happy as I am for finding someone like your son” Manuel nodded at him and to his surprise he didn’t feel weird about Niall kissing Shawn. After watching them during the meal Manuel realized it had been more strange if they didn’t kiss.

He needed to know they wouldn’t do something foolish though, being in love could make you take rash decisions. “You’re keeping it on the downlow though right?”

Shawn nodded but it was Niall’s that responded “for now.” Manuel shook his head, it was a good thing he had become aware of this now before it was too late.

“What do you mean for now?” he was afraid of the answer but he needed to know. Shawn seemed tongue tied so it was Niall who answered once again. “We’re planning on coming out publicly at the end of the year.”

Manuel drew in a breath feeling unsettled. He knew it would be hard to conceal this relationship but he also thought them coming out to the world was a bad idea. He had seen what scandals and wrecked reputations did to the most grounded and collected people.

When normal people took wrong steps in live, they picked themselves up and moved on. When celebrities took a wrong step they became judged and scrutinized for it and sometimes wasn’t allowed to move on. They were only human but people was merciless and treated them as objects more often than he wanted to think about.

Not that coming out with having a same sex partner was a wrong step but that was not the point. Shawn was supposed to be straight, he was in the eyes of the world and he had even said as much. For him to come out now would just mean people questioning his honesty and integrity, it would mean massive consequences for his career and reputation. Making everything fall apart. He didn’t want that for his son or anyone else.

He knew Shawn was strong and that wasn’t the problem. He had watched young celebrities being sidetracked by less. Strong people that had just been crushed under the pressure. It all being too much. For Shawn to be so young and to go through the scrutiny and criticism that he and Niall would face if they came public, it simply wasn’t worth it.  

“I don’t think that’s such a good idea” he said not coldly but with no place for arguments. Aaliyah had stood up “dad…” it was just one word but the threat was there. He was crossing some sort of line but he had to, he was just trying to protect his family.

Karen was looking disappointingly at him and Niall looked to be getting angry if the red creeping up his face was anything to go by. “Ya think hiding who ya really are and lying is a better idea mate” Niall’s accent came out stronger as he was becoming more worked up.

Manuel shook his head. “I know what’s for the best, don’t be a fool and think everything will just be fine when you drop this bomb” he knew his words were harsh and he regretted them the moment he said them. He needed to make it clear though that he wouldn’t be supporting a decision resulting in going public anytime soon.  

Shawn had put his head in his hands and Manuel thought he was the only one in the room that was taking his words seriously as everyone else seemed to just get angry with him. Niall looked like he was going to retort but he didn’t let him as he wasn’t trying to create an argument. He was just trying to deflect an upcoming disaster.

“I know you don’t want to hear this but parents sometimes have to tell you the truth. You will be slaughtered coming out and it just isn’t worth it.”

“You won’t ever understand” to his surprise it was Shawn who had said it and he sounded so defeated it made Manuel feel an ache in his chest. Niall put his arm over Shawn’s shoulder and pressed their sides together to show him support. “Ya haven’t needed to pretend to be someone you’re not or being constantly worried looking over your shoulder that someone will expose your secret before you’re ready.” Niall was looking straight at him and he seemed more angry on Shawn’s behalf than anything else. “You can’t decide if it’s worth it or not.”

He understood the struggles, it surely couldn’t be as bad as what would come at them when the news about them would hit the fan. He was about to say as much but it seemed his wife had had enough “Manuel, that’s enough. This is not your fight and it’s their decision to make and not yours.” He just shook his head. He was just trying to help their son, why couldn’t anyone see that.

He didn’t want to go against his wife but how could she just stand by and watch their son going down the wrong road. “I’m just trying to protect my family” he said. Karen nodded acknowledging she knew that was his intent but then she nodded towards Shawn and Niall. Shawn looked miserable and Niall was trying to reassure him that it was all going to be okay.

Aaliyah had her hands in fists and shook her head when he was going to try to make things better. He still thought what he said was correct but it hadn’t come out right, he was worried and he had just lashed out at them even if it was the world's reaction he dreaded. His intention had not been to make people angry or devastated. Sometimes the truth was hard to hear but someone had to say it and this time it had been up to him.

“Out!” Aaliyah commanded and he was aware that whatever he said would probably only make things worse so he left the room. He heard Karen stand up after him and following him towards their bedroom. She would probably give him a scolding, which he wasn’t looking forward to.

He just wanted the best for his son, he realized Niall was a part of that and accepted that. Not everyone else would though and he couldn’t protect them from the world’s reaction if they made their relationship public. He had the best intentions but somehow him trying to show them only made him hurt the people he loved and was trying to protect.

He sighed, he hoped he would be able to protect them and that they would see reason. For now though it seemed they would just have to agree to disagree on the matter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi ❤
> 
> I know Shawn got his tapestries from Amazon but I liked the idea of Niall and Aaliyah getting them for him. If you want to see them the three I describe is the ones in this video from backstage in Glasgow: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zbyhDdxBKDg  
> I'm not 100% sure about the rainbow one actually having an elephant pattern but I browsed Amazon and one that looked airily similar had so yeah. 
> 
> I feel I have to say sorry about making Manuel an antagonist here, but he really only have good intentions.
> 
> Also it's Easter in my story and Easter in real life. Just different years but details xD  
> So hope you liked the chapter and happy Easter ❤


	36. Worth It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shawn has some doubts. They arrive in London where it's Niall's time to tell one in his family about them.

**Chapter 36: Worth It**

Shawn was sitting in the airport next to Niall. He was caught up in his head as the last few days had been tense and had brought up a lot of thoughts. After the Easter dinner they had shared where Manuel had harshly delivered his concerns about their plan they had all just come to a silent agreement to not talk about it.

Manuel had just not brought them going public up again and Shawn had been more than happy to just ignore it as well. He knew that the issue was something that they would not be able to work out. He knew Niall was secure in his opinion and belief of what was best for them and Shawn also knew that what he said about hiding and how keeping the truth suppressed would just eat them up from inside.

The thing was though that the longer they didn’t talk the more Shawn was feeling doubt creep up inside of him. What if his dad was right as well and that them coming out would actually do more harm than good. What if after coming out the aftershocks would also eat them up inside and in addition to harm their careers it would also destroy their relationship in the process.

He sighed there were a lot what ifs. He glanced at Niall he hadn’t brought up all the doubts, he didn’t want to worry Niall or make him disappointed in him. He had really thought he could do this but now he was back on square one and unsure of everything yet again.

The thought of that his father could actually be right was haunting him, his words from earlier were echoing in his head, _it_ _just isn’t worth it._ He thought it would be, being free with Niall was everything he wanted but what did he really know. Coming out could be shown to be fatal and if that was the case it wouldn’t have been worth it.

They couldn’t predict what would happen when they came out in the open and what if they wouldn’t be able to handle the outcome, what if coming out would kill them as a couple and them as artists. Coming out was a huge risk and was that something he was willing to do. Was he really willing to risk the life he had for something that may never be.

Another voice in his head echoed in response to his father’s, _ya think hiding who ya really are and lying is a better idea._ Was it? No, he knew it wasn’t but… He had a headache and it was starting to feel like whatever they did it would end badly. Staying in the closet would slowly but surely destroy them but coming out could destroy them as well and in addition ruin their careers. The important words in the situation were _would_ and _could._ There were more risks, more uncertainties with coming out but there was also a lot of things which was just a worst case scenario. With staying in the closet it was only one way things could end, in misery.

In a way he was already miserable. He was in the airport sitting beside the person he loved but he couldn't act on it the way he wanted to. Living like they had to in public wasn’t how he wanted to live. He knew Niall felt the same way.

Didn’t people say you had to take risks to be able to be truly happy. That if you didn’t have anything to lose you wasn’t truly in it at all. Love in itself was a big risk as you could get badly hurt. But in the end love was worth it, Niall was worth it. Having love with Niall even if just for a little while would always be worth it over not having Niall at all or just having Niall to some capacity. Having Niall in full capacity all the time would be worth it even with the risks.

He had to believe that. His dad had made him doubt what he knew and it was hard to just dismiss his concerns but he had to believe in him and Niall. If their love was as strong as he wanted to think they would survive any backlash that could come from going public and as long as he had Niall any other loss would be worth it.

He closed his eyes, the doubts that had taken root in his mind would not leave before they were out and the storm had blown over. He just hoped his sensible side, that was to say Niall,  and what he knew in his heart would win over the other voice in his head. He hoped he would be strong enough, he couldn’t and wouldn’t back down. His dad was wrong and he would prove to him that it was all worth it.

He was brought back to reality by Niall nudging his shoulder with his own “hey world to Shawn” he laughed and Shawn blinked clearing his head “Nick just texted about if we want to announce anything.” Right, they were both releasing their new songs tomorrow at midnight. It had almost slipped his mind with everything else closing in on him.

He wanted to give his fans some heads up before dropping the song, it was nice having them hype it up and see all of their excitement. What did he want Nick to tell the world though, maybe they should keep some of the details for themselves for now.

“Hm, we could both tweet separately about our new songs and let Nick tweet about having two very special guests on Thursday” Niall beamed and started tapping on his phone. Shawn was sure it would just take minutes before people caught on about the special guests being him and Niall but it was fun making them having to figure things out for themselves. They would probably confirm that it was them in a day or so anyway.

He brought up the twitter app on his phone and started crafting a tweet. His media team would probably not be happy that he didn’t tell them about the announcement or that he and Niall would do it together but hell he didn’t really care.

He saw that Nick had already made the tweet about tuning in on Thursday as he would have two very special mates of his coming in for a chat. He just hoped people would not be disappointed that they were releasing singles of their own and not a collaboration. He didn’t think so as he had seen people just freak out over knowing they spent time together, so it was safe to assume they would probably be excited over a joined interview.

He finished writing his tweet and attached the cover photo for his new song. He looked over at Niall who nodded. “On three” he raised an eyebrow to which Shawn nodded. Niall started with “one” and Shawn kept counting “two” before they together said “three” and pressed tweet.

Niall Horan √ @NiallOfficial · April 18  
I know you’ve been waiting and I’m delighted to announce my new single ‘Slow Hands’ will be out 4th May ! can’t wait for you all to hear it 

Shawn Mendes √ @ShawnMendes · April 18  
New single "There's Nothing Holdin' Me Back" out Thursday (midnight tomorrow night)! [ #HoldinMeBack](https://twitter.com/hashtag/HoldinMeBack?src=hash)

Shawn smiled as he saw his and Niall’s tweets appear on his timeline in succession. Niall chuckled “how long do ya think it will take?” Shawn laughed and looked at his phone. The truth was it was less than 30 seconds before the first comment on his post was about how him and Niall tweeting at the same second couldn’t be a coincidence. There was also people claiming that they were trying to kill them and wondering how they would survive new music from them both at the same time.

Niall just shook his head smiling. He looked between his phone and Shawn and his smile was wide “I can’t tell where me fandom ends and yours begin.” Shawn hadn’t thought about that before but Niall was right, there was more and more people either being in both fandoms or just being fans of them as a duo. Of course there would always be fans that liked one of their music more than the others but their fandoms were merging and overlapping more each day.

He bit his lip and looked at Niall who was beaming. “It’s our fandom now” Shawn felt the urge to hug Niall because it was all coming together. He just kept smiling though and leaned slightly to the side so that their shoulders were touching. Everything would be alright and the doubts was for now silenced.

It wasn’t long before they were on the plane. They had a blanket and he managed to sneak a hand under it and lay it on Niall’s knee, Niall’s own hand soon joined his and their eyes met and they smiled at each other. It wasn’t weird for friends to share blankets and sleep on each others shoulders. No one would think anything of it and it was nice to be able to just be close without having to worry.

They had a long flight before them but it felt like nothing at the prospect of spending it cuddled up to Niall’s side. Before trying to get some sleep he brought up his phone and sent a message to Nick reminding him to not forget the studio decorations for Thursday in which he got a _never_ in response. It would be nice to see his London friends again.

He smiled and drew in a breath through his nose. His nose was not far from Niall’s neck, the pure scent of Niall making him instantly drowsy and relaxed. Niall always had that effect on him, everyone deserved having a smell like Niall’s he thought absentmindedly. Niall had put on a movie but he was squeezing his hand from time to time and if Shawn wasn’t mistaken he was also glancing down at him while smiling to himself when he thought no one was looking.

He fell asleep with a small smile of his own grazing his lips and the thought of that having a second home in London soon with Niall would not be bad at all. Not bad at all.

**SHIALL**

Willie had texted saying he would make them lunch to when they came home. Willie, Niall looked at Shawn as the car turned onto his street. Even if it had been tense after Shawn’s father had shared his view of them making things public it had still been far better than he had imagined it would be.

They had had a day of just being them around people who knew and didn’t care. They didn't have to smile while pretending and hiding the truth. They hadn’t snogged in front of Shawn’s family or anything but they didn’t have to worry or to try to be something they weren't. They had just been a normal couple spending time with one of their families.

Having that for just a while made Niall even more determined to have it all the time and not just when around certain people. He knew they still had a long way there but having a taste of what it could be like made him long for it even more. He knew how amazing it could all be and he wanted that, badly.

He didn’t even want to wait to the end of the year but he would do it for Shawn. The wait would be worth it. It would also give Shawn’s dad a bit of time to come to terms with that they would be coming out and to see it from their perspective. He hoped with some distance Manuel would be able to support their decisions and not work against them. He knew it would make things easier and that Shawn needed him to even if he wouldn’t outright say so.

“I hope you’re hungry” Shawn took his eyes away from the window of the car they were in and looked at Niall. He laughed “you always thinking about food?” Niall shook his head, Shawn was just teasing. “Almost, Willie is making us lunch to welcome us home” he tried to smile but instead he felt a small worried frown creep up on his face.

He was a little nervous about what Shawn would say about Willie. A lot had happened in Canada and it would be understandable if Shawn thought it was a little much and he wasn’t up for more confessions. It would be understandable but Niall needed to be honest with Willie. Having to deceit his cousin the last time Shawn had been here had been hell and he was not prepared to keep on doing it.  After all it wasn’t more than fair to tell Willie, after Shawn now having told his family.

“Talking about Willie...” Shawn seemed just as nervous. Niall took his hand and Shawn swallowed.

“I want to tell him about us, we can then be ourselves together at home. He also deserves to know” Shawn looked down. Niall was holding his breath, he didn't want to have to fight Shawn on this. It was as much for their own good as it was because he felt the need to be honest to Willie. He didn’t want to make Shawn go through this all over again but he _needed_ to tell Willie.

Shawn nodded still looking at his lap “I know” Niall let out his breath. Shawn understood. “Will he be fine with it…” Niall laughed at that and smiled.

“Willie” He shook his head imagining how it all would go down. “He will maybe be hurt that we didn’t trust him with the secret sooner but other than that he will have no problems at all.” He was not at all worried about Willie’s reaction. If it was someone other than the boys in the band he knew would never judge him it was Willie. He was his cousin but sometimes it felt like they were more like brothers.

The car stopped and they stepped out before they grabbed their luggage from the back and headed towards the house. As they reached the porch Shawn hung back though when Niall opened the door.

Niall looked back at him frowning “Ya not coming with me?” Shawn shook his head. “I’ll wait here as you tell him.” Niall was about to protest and say it wasn’t necessary but he could see Shawn would be better of out there than having to do another coming out even if just being present. Coming out to people were nerve wracking, even if you were sure it would go well it was still a lot and he could understand that Shawn needed to sit this one out.

He put a hand on Shawn’s shoulder and squeezed. “It will be fine” he assured before he turned around and headed inside. He could hear noise coming from the kitchen and smiled, he just hoped Willie was being careful. He still had a vivid memory of when they had been children and his cousin had almost burned down the kitchen.

As he entered the room Willie turned around and Niall had to laugh as he was wearing one of the aprons that Harry must have left behind from when they had been making muffins. He was wearing the one with the bows and Niall couldn’t hold in his laughter especially when Willie noticed his amusement and started to pose for him. Apparently you had to be Harry Styles to pull off clothes like that.

“Hey I look terrific” he looked behind Niall and frowned before asking “where’s Shawn?” Niall sighed, here goes nothing. But before he was able to say anything Willie was right there and beat him to it “what’s wrong?”

Niall shook his head “nothing, I’m fine” Willie gave him a disbelieving look. “I know ya, something’s wrong” Niall let out a long breath.

It was better to just tell him then to prolong the confession. “Well Shawn came out to his family and his dad didn’t take it as well as we had hoped” it was a bit more complicated than that but he didn’t feel like going into details. Willie cooked his head before repeating “came out…”

Niall nodded and grimaced because here came the hard part where he had to tell Willie he had been led to believe a lie. “Yeah, me and Shawn are dating and he told his parents. Sorry for not saying anything before now” Willie blinked and then laughed, when Niall didn’t join in he sat down on a stool at the kitchen table.

“Wait, you’re actually serious” Niall nodded wondering what Willie was thinking. Was it really that unbelievable that he and Shawn had fallen for each other that he would think he would make it up rather than believe it as truth.

“Blimey mate” Niall waited to see what more he would say. Willie waved around him and clarified his reaction “it’s cool, just didn’t expect it, that’s all” at that Niall actually laughed.

“Ya didn’t expect it, imagine my surprise when I realized I’d fallen for a guy” he shook his head before adding “that Shawn loves me back is nothing short of a miracle.” Willie’s eyes widened. Niall just smiled because yeah they were in love and he wanted people to know.

Willie stood up went over and slapped him on the back. “Damn I’m jealous” and now it was Niall’s turn to become confused and surprised. Why would his cousin be jealous, maybe it was just about Niall having found love and he wanted that too. That had to be it.

He gave Willie a look “I’m sure ya will find someone soon” Willie shook his head. “Well I’d hope so” he smirked “but what I meant was that I’m jealous of you for snatching up Shawn Mendes, what a catch.”

Niall looked at him, was Willie serious and if he was what did it mean. Willie scratched his head as if he was a little ashamed “I’m gay yeah, can’t believe I never told ya.” He shrugged “guess it just never came up” Niall just stared at him. He hadn’t seen that confession coming.

He wondered how he hadn’t known, he had lived with Willie for years and he had had no clue the other bloke was gay. Maybe he just had no gaydar what so ever or it really was hard to break the heteronormativ stereotypes and preprogrammed beliefs. Why did everyone think you were straight until proven otherwise anyway, it was stupid and judgmental.

If people would be surprised and would have a hard time understanding and seeing him and Shawn together at first he maybe shouldn’t be so hard on them. Being blind to what was in plain sight was obviously easier to do than he had imagined.

“Seriously though mate, you and Shawn. How did you manage that, I mean the lad is hot” Niall chuckled. There it was the teasing he had known would be coming. “Shut up” he said before he thought about this new development. It may be more than teasing, Willie was gay and had probably checked Shawn out come to think of it. “Ya keep your eyes to yourself, don’t hit on my boyfriend. He’s mine!”

Willie laughed and winked with both his hands raised in front of him as if surrendering “just an observation, possessive much” he had his eyebrows raised as in a challenge. Niall fought it but he couldn’t help but blush a little. He wasn’t possessive but Shawn was his and Willie could be a flirt when he wanted to be.

When he looked at Willie again his eyes had a gleam to them and laugh lines had appeared beside his eyes. “Possessive is just a scratch on the surface isn’t it” Niall knew whatever he said would just make things worse. Willie chuckled delighted “you’re both seemingly innocent and vanilla but together ya are really kinky mother fuckers, aren’t ya?” Niall just shook his head and he knew he was now blushing fiercely.

Niall wouldn’t stretch it so far to say they were hard core or anything but they had some kinks and the sex they had had was not totally vanilla. He wasn’t going to say any of that out loud though, it was bad enough Willie knew he was a little possessive.

“Hey are you and your boy into threesomes?” Niall’s eyes widened. “With you? That would be incest” he needed bleach for his ears. He had to add “and I’m not sharing Shawn, with anyone” he felt himself becoming a little defensive which was probably what Willie had been hoping for all along when asking that question.

Willie laughed hard and Niall just glared but it wasn’t long before he cracked a smile too. His cousin was ridiculous but also a friend and under those jokes and teasing was genuine support.

“Not into that, got it” he smirked “ya know I was just joking right, wouldn’t want to get too close to your sorry arse.” Niall shook his head for what felt like the tenth time that day.

He looked towards the clock on the wall and cursed. It had been almost 15 minutes since he had left Shawn outside. He looked at Willie seriously “I’m going to get Shawn now and you better behave yourself.”

He turned around and started walking towards the door, Willie still responded though. “Promise, I’ll just ogle a little” the following laughter was still in the air as he opened the door to let Shawn in.

One thing was for sure life with his cousin around would never be boring or predictable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi people! ❤
> 
> I said in a comment after the previous chapter that this chapter would have a lot of Nick but I then decided to split the chapter in 2 so the Nick part will be in the next chapter instead.
> 
> Niall said in an interview he has a gay cousin so of course Willie had to be gay in this story. 
> 
> Hope you liked the new chapter and that you'll have a nice weekend (:


	37. The Breakfast Show with Nick Grimshaw

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shawn has a little surprise for Niall. They have a little chat with Nick on his radio show.

**Chapter 37: The Breakfast Show with Nick Grimshaw**

They arrived at the BBC studious early on Thursday morning. Too early if you asked Niall, he and Shawn had not slept much the night before what with the jet leg and the excitement and nervousness that always accompanied releasing new music.

Willie hadn’t really helped either as he had wanted to know how they had happened to get together and what they planned to do next. To Niall’s immense relief Willie was all for them to come out publicly. If their plans had taken another blow of criticism and ill placed concern and advice by someone close to them he knew that could have been the last drop for Shawn’s courage to go through with it when the time came for them to take that step. 

Willie knew what they were facing though at least to some extent, him being gay meant he knew what coming out meant and what fear they felt and how it was to suppress a part of yourself. He could understand them on another level that Manuel could. It was a little bigger for them though as everyone cared about what they did and who they dated, everyone thought and had something to say about it, being famous would always have its drawbacks.

Niall was actually jealous some days of the ordinary people, in some ways they were just like him but in others their worlds were galaxies apart. He had days he wished he could be just one of them but that would never be in the cards for him. It had become better since One Direction went on hiatus though and he hoped he would be able to see some of the cities when touring this time. Hoped he and Shawn could go out and explore as he had never really been able to in the past for fear of getting mobbed by fans. He knew he would love every minute of seeing the world with Shawn.

They hadn’t stayed outside for photos as they had slept as long as possible that morning and was cutting it a little close now to when they were supposed to be there. They would probably stay a little after the interview, he wanted to give something back to the fans.

An assistant greeted them and showed them through the halls. Both him and Shawn had been there before, had been interviewed by Nick before but it was still nice having someone show them the way. They came to a stop at the staff room “you want any tea, coffee?” she asked them politely.

Niall made himself a cup of lemon ginger tea while Shawn poured himself a cup of coffee, there was some scones as well which they both had their eyes on. The assistant made a small huff of a laugh and nodded towards the scones “you should hurry though, Nick will be ready for you in about five.”

In the haste of grabbing a scone Niall didn’t have full control of his tea cup and in the process he spilled some down the front of his shirt. “Ahhh shit” he swore as the warm liquid seeped into the fabric of his shirt. Shawn looked over at him and instead of being concerned the bastard started to laugh. “Hey, it’s hot I could have burned meself” he said with some incredulity in his voice. Shawn stopped laughing at that and tilted his head “well did you?” he asked and Niall sighed because “…no” and Shawn just grinned.

They were alone as the assistant had left the room and everyone else seemed to either be on air or doing other things at the moment. Shawn moved over to his side and put his hand on his shoulder in mock support “see it on the bright side love, at least you didn’t spill your tea on air” he then chuckled before adding “this time.”

Niall wanted to whack him on the head, him spilling tea on live radio had happened only once and it was years ago. He couldn’t help but chuckle instead though as it was a classic, him dropping the tea making Louis shout out and curse at him and Harry being left to narrate the moment to their listeners.

They were interrupted by the same assistant from before coming back and saying they were ready for them soon as the eight o'clock news was already on. They walked into the studio after her and Nick sat in his chair facing the door, he smiled and waved as they entered.

His expression turned curious and he raised an eyebrow when he saw the considerable stain on Niall’s shirt. Instead of waiting to be asked what had happened he offered the information without prompting “dropped me tea” making Nick laugh.

Niall felt like they were ganging up on him and he muttered “it’s not funny” to which Shawn and Nick answered “yes, it is” in unison making him both want to laugh with them and be angry at them for having no compassion for his misfortune. He ended up laughing as he knew he wouldn’t be able to hold a grudge against either Shawn or Nick for very long.

“You want to borrow something? I’m sure I have a shirt around here somewhere” Nick smiled this time with genuine sympathy. Niall nodded gratefully “thanks Grimmy that would be great.”

Just then the break for the news came to an end and Nick was on air again “thank you Tina, now we have finally come to today’s guests. We will play Shawn Mendes’ and Niall Horan’s new singles There's Nothing Holdin' Me Back and Slow Hands back to back and then have a nice little chat with the lads’ themselves” Nick finished the link before starting to play Shawn’s new song.

As he introduced the songs Niall had started taking a look around the studio. His eyes swept over the soundboard and computers and then came to a stop, on the other side of Nick was a thin vase and from it there were two sunflowers sticking up. He felt his mouth open and his breath leave his body. He didn’t need to look at Shawn to know the flowers was his doing. Then it hit him that it was April 20 today which meant that it was two months since he and Shawn had started dating.

The idea of getting one extra flower for every month they had dated was so thoughtful and sweet it left Niall speechless, Shawn was the most attentive and romantic bloke he had ever met and that said something being friends with Harry. He felt a little guilty as he hadn’t done something for Shawn and he hoped he hadn’t expected him to, he wasn’t as good as Shawn at these things.

Nick saw where his eyes had landed and he smiled knowingly, Niall blushed as Nick had been a part of the first flower and now this he knew exactly what the flowers meant. It was a bit embarrassing being wooed by Shawn like this but also the most incredible feeling in the world.

Nick made a motion towards the door even if Niall only had eyes for the flowers and he thought he could feel Shawn watching him. “I’m going to go looking for that shirt and ’ll leave ya alone for a few minutes” he said before leaving and closing the door behind him.

Niall was very grateful Nick had decided to just play their songs before they talked as it gave them a few minutes for themselves. He was brought back from his mesmerized state and finally looked at Shawn. Shawn was biting his lip and looked a little uncertain and nervous “I know not everyone celebrate every month and that it’s a little silly but I just thought…” Niall didn’t let him finish and not feeling up to say what he was feeling at the moment he closed the distance and kissed Shawn into silence.

Fuck that they were in the middle of the BBC house, fuck it that they would be on live radio in just a few minutes. Fuck anything else than showing Shawn how much he meant to him and to show him how much this small gesture meant, it was the sweetest thing anyone had ever done for him. Last time he had not been able to really show him with touch how much it had meant as Nick had been the one delivering both the flower and the meaning behind it. This time they were together though and Niall would make this moment last. He would make the most of the few minutes they had alone.

“Ya though just right” Niall said when they broke apart. “Just right, blimey Shawn” Niall couldn’t help but blurt out because it was just such a heartfelt thing, Niall didn’t know why Shawn’s thoughtfulness kept surprising him, but it did over and over again.

Shawn still looked a little hesitant though, but he was at least smiling tentatively now “it wasn’t too much?” Niall shock his head vehemently. Shawn was so sweet and everything he did was so thoughtful and had meaning behind it, it screamed love and Niall was so honored having that affection directed at him. “It’s perfect, you’re perfect” this time it seemed that Shawn got it, that Niall really appreciated and loved the flowers. They would probably don’t mean much to other people but to them they held tremendous value.

Shawn leaned against Niall and he just put his arms around him holding him close. He almost wished they could just cancel the interview and go back home and spend the day in bed. “Happy two months” Niall smiled and nodded kissing Shawn’s temple. “I’m sorry… I don’t have anything” there was the guilty feeling again, Shawn did so much and he hadn’t even thought to do anything. He wondered if he really was deserving of all this love, Shawn seemed to think so but Shawn being so considerate and loving while he was just not all that Shawn deserved in return made him seem a bit inadequate.

Shawn was smiling at him and not looking the least put out by his confession “I didn’t expect you to, as cliché as it sounds your love is everything I need” Niall didn’t know what to say to that as not only did Shawn do the perfect and most romantic things he also knew exactly what to say to make him feel better. Because Shawn had his love, all of it. He was honored for Shawn to call him his.

There was a knock on the door and they reluctantly separated with a small kiss. “We’ll celebrate tonight” Niall whispered before letting go of Shawn. Shawn turned slightly red and Niall smirked and nodded. They had a lot to celebrate indeed and he knew they both would have the night of their lives.

**SHIALL**

Shawn had been nervous going into the BBC house that morning as he knew today was a big day. Not only was he releasing a new song that was a bit different from what he had given out beforehand but he had also had Nick bring two sunflowers to work that morning. He hadn’t been able to help feeling nervous about it as not everyone liked their partner to be overly cheesy and romantic, it could easily look like you were just trying too much.

Niall genuinely seemed to have loved it though and Shawn felt warm inside as he sat down on one of the chairs opposite Nick. Niall’s reaction had been even better than he had hoped for and he was determined to make it a tradition, even if from now on it would be something predictable it would still be something special for just the two of them. Shawn also had a few ideas of how he could tweak it up a bit to make every occasion a little bit different from the last.

Niall was his sunshine and he would never let the other man forget it. Shawn looked over at Nick who was holding a black long-sleeved t-shirt in front of him. “This old thing was the only shirt I could find” Niall looked at it and laughed “from your own collection I’m flattered” and reached for it before he hesitated “it’s washed right?”

Nick looked a bit affronted “I’m not a bum of course it’s washed” then his expression changed into a smirk “although I thought you liked dirty laundry” to which Niall just shook his head and laughed.

The minutes since Nick had left had passed by quickly and Shawn realized they were already at the end of the bridge of Slow Hands which meant they had less than a minute until the song ended and they would be on the air. 

Nick seemed to realize that too and he sat down in his chair before he turned to him and Niall looking quite serious. “We should probably have talked about this before now, but do you want me to ask about dating and love interest or just leave that be?” Shawn felt his good mood dissipate.

God how could they not have thought about that or discussed it beforehand. They weren’t coming out now so if Nick asked about it they would have to lie, saying they were single. Maybe even make up some girl they would like to date if given the opportunity.

Shawn glanced at Niall and he just knew what he wanted. Niall wouldn’t want to do that, he would rather just leave it and not say anything at all. Shawn wasn’t so sure if that was wise though, if they wouldn’t be together Nick would surely have asked about dating and such and him not doing so would be suspicious. He and Niall had joked about if they would both date some female artist in the industry it would probably be Katy Perry.

They could probably use that and make some half serious comments about how they both would like to date her. He looked over at Niall who had his brows furrowed and Shawn knew what the right thing to do was. They shouldn’t lie like that and to say they wanted to date Katy just to have a cover and not raise questions was wrong, they shouldn’t use a friend like that.

Shawn swallowed and said “don’t bring it up, we’ll just talk music” it would surely raise questions, but it would be better than having to sit there and lie and to involve others like Katy. Lying like that would only have come back biting them in the ass later.  Even if he knew all this he still felt nausea creep up inside of him. Even if Nick didn’t ask because he knew the truth others wouldn’t be that considerate or know to leave the subject alone. He would have to answer questions about it at some point, he realized that he didn’t know what his answer to those questions would be.

He looked at Niall beside him who looked relived and happy that Shawn was not about to lie to stay firmer in the closet, the safe straight zone. Seeing Niall look happy and maybe even proud of him for his decision made Shawn feel better and he found Niall’s hand under the table.  

Nick nodded his head at them “sure, no problem” before he turned to the soundboard and fiddled with a button and the interview had officially started. They even had cameras rolling as they would put up part of the interview as video.

“It’s Thursday morning on BBC radio one and that was brilliant brand-new music from Shawn Mendes and Niall Horan, which is also our guests today” Nick said in his cheerful radio voice before addressing him and Niall. “Good morning Niall and Shawn.” To which they echoed in kind “morning Grimmy” Niall answered just as cheery before Shawn shimmed in with a “good morning” of his own.

Nick tilted his head before addressing Niall “do I say your surname weird by the way?” Niall nodded “yeah you always say it wrong” and they started a conversation about how people often commented on Nick’s pronunciation of Horan and how a lot of people say it wrong all over the world. “I was in Paris a while ago, and it was _Neil Horán_ ” Shawn bite down on his lip hard. It was a good thing he was not supposed to speak at the moment as Niall speaking with a French accent or really any foreign accent at all was just so damn sexy.

“It’s actually _Horein_ ” Niall tried to teach Nick who seemed just slightly daunted by the task. Shawn had to laugh as it really wasn’t that hard to say. “How do I say it? _Horeän_ ” Nick had to get some points for trying but it seemed it really was hard to make an old dog learn how to sit. They said it back and forth until it sounded almost right, a few laughs later Nick turned to Shawn.

“I say your name correctly though right” Shawn nodded and answered in the affirmative “people usually do yeah, the spelling though is another story” Nick agreed looking sympathetic but laughed all the same. “Mendes with a Z is a classic mistake mate” Shawn nodded and chuckled “Justin Bieber once got both Shawn and Mendes wrong in the same post, he called me a legend though so he’s excused.”

Niall shared a few stories of when people had misspelled his name and then they started talking about their new songs. Shawn was very comfortable next to Niall and across from Nick, it almost felt more like just three friends hanging out and not them being interviewed. Shawn actually had to think about keeping in mind that there were millions of people listening to their conversation, so that he wouldn’t say or do something alerting them about something he didn’t want them to know about.

“I have to ask about the joined release of your new singles as it’s quite unconventional, how did that come about?” Shawn smiled and glanced at Niall not too obviously fond but still with a warmth and familiarity. “We just thought it would be fun doing it together you know, we planned to release them only a few weeks apart anyway.”

Niall nodded beside him “the fans will love it too” Nick looked intrigued “ya think people will be even more hyped for a future collaboration after this, how is that going by the way any song in the making?” 

Shawn swallowed, they had been together for weeks and had still not started the collaboration. Shawn’s life was music, music was his calling. Somehow since meeting Niall it had kind of taken a back seat though. Music was his life but Niall was even more than that he was like a part of his very being. Like an extension of his own body, a phantom limb that had now become real.

Spending time with Niall now when they could had become a priority, they had rehearsed for tour and the like of course but other than that they had just enjoyed each other’s company. He understood now what people meant when they said that when you find your one true love nothing else really matters anymore.

They would have time to make their collaboration, he was really looking forward to it but as for now he was still content with just enjoying being able to have Niall for himself a little while longer.

He couldn’t say any of that though, he was saved by Niall answering “for sure people already love the idea and the fandom lines are blurring, as for when the collaboration will happen that’s for us to know and you to find out” that was a good answer, making it sound like they actually had a plan as well as assuring it would happen even if not giving any hint of when that may be.

A song or two was played before Nick announced it was time for them to play a game. “I came across this website and it was 300 Niall Horan facts” Niall raised an eyebrow “I’m sure they’re completely factual as well.” Nick nodded “well thought we could check them now to see if they are correct and also see how well Shawn knows ya, he’ll get to say true or false” Shawn blinked at that, Nick hadn’t warned him about this.

Nick looked proud of himself for coming up with the idea before reading the first fact “Niall suggested that One Direction should be called, “Niall and the potatoes”” Niall laughed, and Shawn shook his head.

“If I had a band I wouldn’t be completely against naming it The Sweet Potatoes or something, but I have to go with false. It sounds more like something Louis would come up with anyway” Niall nodded “that’s true. How ridiculous, maybe even Lou made the website” they all laughed at that.

“Niall likes to sing in the shower” Shawn smiled as he had been privy hearing it a few times. “yeah, I’ve heard it” not wanting to have to deliberate he added “my whole family probably has really.” Fortunately Nick didn’t try to ask something further about him having heard Niall in the shower, instead he joked about how his neighbors had probably heard him sounding like George Ezra.

The next question although sounding innocent became a little harder to answer. He knew the truth of course but he couldn’t divulge it. “He likes girls with brown eyes” Shawn swallowed and wondered what he should say. It wasn’t that it wasn’t true, Niall did have a preference for brown eyed girls but then there was also him, meaning it wasn’t just the girls. Shawn had brown eyes though so that part was completely true.

He felt that the pause became a little too long and decided to tease Niall a little to diffuse the truth he didn’t want to admit “I’ve heard that that’s true, and that he prefers Spaniards” Niall looked over and Shawn could see how he wanted to add something like _and Portuguese_. They could easily have started to make suggestive comments and given away their secret right there live on the radio. It was not the time for that happening and Nick seemed to understand his mistake, he should have never asked that particular question, and tried to diffuse the moment and shuffled with his papers to find a new better suited question for the occasion.

Shawn knew Niall was happy he didn’t have to actually confirm or deny the truth of the statement as saying that it was true was kind of the denying the actual truth of him not only being interested in girls to begin with. Why did everything have to be so complicated.

“Niall’s favourite colour is green but he also likes blue” that at least was a safe question, Shawn sighed in relief. “I would go with true, he’s Irish through and through so green it is but he’s also the blue stripes and navy man.” In fact they both had blue shirts on today.

Niall nodded “I am the navy man, you can wear it with anything” Nick agreed and added “it brings out the blue in your eyes” to which Niall just answered politely “thanks very much.” Shawn just blinked, what was Nick doing? That could be seen as light flirting, he knew it was just a compliment but still what even. He shook his head as he was being ridiculous, he had nothing to be upset about, he wasn’t even the jealous type. Nick was their friend. Nick then continued talking about bringing out the hazel of his own eyes and made it into a joke, the slightly awkward moment was gone. Shawn knew it had been nothing just an offhand comment but for some reason it had still unsettled him a little.

Nick asked a few more questions which didn’t make things awkward or made him hesitate before answering, the easy atmosphere was back and Shawn was secure in knowing they had nothing to worry about. They talked for a few more minutes before wrapping up the interview with introducing their own songs to play once more.

They both hanged up their headsets and smiled at Nick. “Thank you for a nice little chat” Niall said and Nick waved his hands around “anytime, come back for whatever be it the collaboration or any other sort of interview.” It was said casually but also pointedly, Shawn understood exactly what he meant and it wasn’t a bad idea either really. To have their coming out interview with Nick, it was someone they felt comfortable around and that they knew wouldn’t ask questions they wouldn’t want to answer.

“We’ll keep that in mind.” They posed for some pictures with Nick having his arm around Niall’s shoulders and Shawn standing behind him, he had his hand on the small of Niall’s back unbeknownst to the camera.

Just as they where about to leave Nick stopped them “did you want to borrow me shirt?” to which Niall nodded and looked down at his own shirt. The tea had dried but it had created a big brown stain in the middle of his shirt. “Thank you, I forgot” he took the shirt and changed quickly, it was slightly too big for him and almost gave him sweater paws. It was adorable, Shawn would maybe ask Nick to let Niall keep the shirt.

They said their goodbyes after that and left to greet some of the fans that was waiting outside. He leaned into Niall’s side slightly and whispered down into his ear before they left the house “that celebration you talked about” Niall smirked and if they had been away from prying eyes he would probably have done a lot more than just bumping his hip against Shawn’s. “Everything you have been waiting for” he promised and Shawn felt that fire in the pit of his stomach, the day had been off to a great start and he had a feeling the night would only get better.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi beautiful people! 
> 
> As you can tell I used some radio cannon things in here. It's a concoction from different Niall/Nick interviews put together with some original stuff. Most of the canon material used is from after 20th of April 2017 but I decided to screw with the real life timeline a bit. As you probably know Niall actually dropping his tea on air and Justin Bieber spelling Shawn's name wrong twice in the same post is also cannon xD
> 
> I also researched the site that Nick got his Niall Horan facts from. I'm pretty sure it's this one: https://www.thefactsite.com/2012/04/niall-horan-facts.html  
> Though it's actually not 300 Niall facts but rather 300 One Direction facts with 50 being Niall-centric. 
> 
> Also sorry for my bad manip skills, but I tried. 
> 
> My birthday is tomorrow, you would make my day with a comment or two (:  
> I'm also seeing Niall again on Wednesday!!! EXCITED :D
> 
> Hope you'll have a great week as well ❤


	38. The Article

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan has written an article. Niall and Shawn's celebration gets interrupted, twice.

**Chapter 38: The Article**

Dan was sitting at his desk smirking as he was looking at the computer screen, he had his feet propped up on his desk in the study and the computer rested in his lap. Today was a good day. He was the executive editor for The Sun and that meant he didn’t write that many articles himself but this one he had wanted to be the one writing.

He felt a buzz of satisfaction and excitement go through his body as was always the case when he was about to let something big and scandalous out into the open and the world at large. This time he was almost vibrating with it because Dan knew this was big. He had just finished writing an article and not just any article, _the article._ Maybe even the article of the year. At least when it came to gossip and scandals. This would stir the pot and he loved it.

He leaned back further in his chair and laughed out of giddiness, he loved his job. Being a journalist wasn’t just about uncovering the truth. That was not what was the most important, at least not to Dan. No being a journalist was about twisting the truth and facts to make people see and believe what you wanted them to. It was to dig around and uncover secrets that didn’t want to be uncovered.

Being a journalist was not writing fiction but it was taking the truth or what you believed to be the truth and spice it up a bit and then run with it. It was entertainment and if it turned out what he’d written wasn’t the whole truth well the actual truth always surfaced with time.

There were people despising him and thinking he was ruthless and that he didn’t respect the people he wrote about daily. Even if what they were saying may have a smidge of truth to it, he didn’t really care. What he cared about was that people continued to read his stories and that artists kept coming back to him to be interviewed. Funny enough it was more often fans that had complains about his professionalism while the celebrities didn’t have a problem with it.

He scrolled up to the beginning and read through the article one more time, it was good, and it left you with a lot of questions. He couldn’t wait for the aftermath of his revelations, maybe he should pour a glass of wine and watch the comments stream in after he had posted the article. He had teased about releasing an article soon that would reveal a secret relationship but had otherwise been rather tightlipped about it. It would come as a bomb from a clear blue sky and he was ready to dance around in the debris.

He bit his lip, he may be going a little too far with this article as it involved essentially outing someone. He didn’t have much of a conscience though and it wasn’t like they had never dealt with gay rumors before only this time people may actually buy into them. He wasn’t 100% sure about the nature of their relationship, but he thought what he had written was close to the truth. At least some version of it, if it was the actual truth would only be revealed with time.

This time though he had really done his research and this article had been brewing for weeks now, it wasn’t just a hunch or a gut feeling. A lot of his articles were based on well pretty much nothing, a quote from an anonymous source close to the celebrity here and a conspiracy raising from a photo there.

This time was different, this time he had actual evidence, it wasn’t waterproof but it was without a doubt showing that something was going on. There was not just one occasion with suspicious behavior that could be seen as circumstantial, no there was a string of events all pointing in one direction. Dan laughed at his own thoughts, one direction indeed. Those boys were always up to something and this time was not an exception.

The string of suspicious incidents painted a pretty picture that he would now share with the world.

So even if it may cause trouble for the people involved he was confident enough, even without actual facts his instinct and the more than circumstantial evidence told him that he was on to something. If he didn’t share that with the public he was not doing his job, he also figured that if they really had wanted to keep the relationship a secret they would have been more careful.

Dan didn’t feel bad about publishing the story, why should he. He knew he had gathered enough not to only make the pubic intrigued and to want to read it but to also actually make them believe what he had written as the truth.

He had been afraid someone else would get there first, that another journalist was going to write a story before he got to it. There had been nothing though, no one had made a sound about the affair. There had been nothing about the two together, not even the slightest rumor or reference to that anything was on the horizon.

He would be the first, Dan Wootton would uncover the next _it_ couple and no one would be the wiser before they read his story. He wondered if the reason no one had caught on was because it was so unexpected. It didn’t really matter to him, the more unexpected the better as it would make bigger news.

He made some small adjustments to the article before clicking post and held his breath as the story uploaded to the Sun’s web page. It would just be minutes before the comments started pouring in. This was exactly why he was a journalist, to be able to flip the world on its axis just by a few hundred words and a fraction of the truth hidden between the speculations.

**SHIALL**

When they were finally on their way home making their way across town the sky had already started to darken, the clouds had turned a light pink and the sky was now a shade of cobalt blue. Niall was anxious to get home and to get Shawn behind closed doors. It had been a nice day of promo and to be out and about in London, but now he was more than ready for some alone time with his man.

They made their way up to the front door of his house almost stumbling in their hurry and giggling out of giddiness. Niall swiftly opened the door and was fast in grabbing Shawn by the sleeve of his jacket and yanking him inside, he cornered him against the inside of the door before Shawn had even had time to blink.

He wasn’t being forceful but he was still showing that he was the one in control, he was showing Shawn how they were doing it. Niall knew though that this was exactly what the other boy wanted, he could see it clearly as he looked into Shawn’s sparkling eyes as he laughed in surprise at Niall’s manhandling.

Niall knew that he may be a bit overeager, they weren’t teenagers anymore. Barely getting inside the front door before being all over each other and shredding their clothes through the entrance hall, well those days should be behind them. Or rather behind him as he wasn’t a teenager anymore, sometimes he forgot that Shawn was just 18. If needed Niall could justify his actions by arguing that Shawn deserved to have the full teenage experience of hot and needy even if it was just a coverup for Niall’s own lack of patience to get his hands all over Shawn’s body.

He could tell Shawn was about to say something, probably tease him mercilessly. Niall wouldn’t let him though, he took a step closer even if they already were pressed together in each other’s space. Now being as close as possible he was effectively pining Shawn against the door. “Not a word, you’re loving every minute of this and don’t try to deny it” Shawn just chuckled in response. Niall was surprised to realise he had almost growled the words, his possessive strike was showing. He couldn’t help but blush but the look Shawn was giving him was worth any embarrassment his behavior caused.

Shawn’s look was pure desire so Niall deduced that his instinctual behavior was appreciated. “Sexy” was all Shawn offered with a raised eyebrow. Niall was not entirely sure what had gotten into him, he seemed to not be able to control himself around his lover. Shawn’s response made him feel empowered and confident though and with another growl he started nibbling at Shawn’s sharp jawline and said hoarsely “oh I’ll show ya sexy.”

His lips moved from Shawn’s jaw to his mouth and he smashed their lips together in a fierce kiss effectively stopping Shawn from commenting further. Shawn hands moved to his hips, yeah this was what Niall had longed for all day. They had been together for two full months now but they hadn’t had that much time or opportunities to fool around and explore. Being pressed together like this and feeling Shawn’s body against his own still felt new and exciting. He roamed his own hands over the hard acres of flesh he knew was warm under the layer of fabric. He pushed Shawn jacket to the floor, they needed to shred these clothes immediately.

Shawn made a noise and Niall smiled loving the effect he had on his boyfriend. Shawn’s grip on his hips tightened and he was brought even more flush against Shawn’s body. They were connected from hips to shoulders, not an inch of space between them anywhere.

Niall was unable to not thrust his hips forward, his cock met Shawn’s equally hard member and they both let out a moan breaking their kiss in the process. Niall threw his head back and thrust his hips a second time not able to help himself. With his throat now exposed Shawn took advantage and latched on starting to nibble and suck on his tender skin, he was sure to leave a mark behind, Niall was beyond caring.

Niall thought he could probably come like that humping Shawn against his front door, still fully clothed. He was contemplating if he should just let it happen or if he should muster up the strength to back away and beckon Shawn to follow him to the bedroom instead. he liked this but he wanted to get naked and to really be able to get impossibly close to Shawn and explore every crevice of his body. There was so much he wanted to try and experience with Shawn.

His decision was taken out of his hands as an amused voice penetrated their bubble of lust and desire. Making his thrusts falter and Shawn to tense up and release the skin of Niall’s throat from between his teeth.

“Well, well, well” so much for being alone Niall thought stumped. He glanced back over his shoulder and found his cousin standing there smirking at him with a raised eyebrow. Niall shook his head, he had totally forgotten that his cousin would probably be home, his mind occupied only by thoughts of his boyfriend and what he wanted to do to him.

Niall was unsure if he should groan out of despair or just laugh at the whole situation. If it had been anyone else than Willie he would probably freak out a little but Willie was cool, he knew about them and he was even gay himself, this wasn’t the end of the world. It was really frustrating but not the worst thing ever happening. Willie had seen them go at it like animals in heat though and he would be lucky if he ever lived it down.

Shawn seemed embarrassed and had buried his face in Niall’s neck and they were both standing stock still. Willie made a noise as if he was reprimanding a pair of children “don’t let me interrupt ya guys fuck fest, I’m not bothered “ Niall could almost hear the grin in his voice when he added leisurely but still suggestively “the opposite really.” Niall started to laugh because Willie wanted to what, watch them while eating popcorn?

His laugh got stuck in his throat though because Shawn seemed to respond to Willie’s words. Their groins were still pressed together and Niall could feel Shawn’s prick throb against his own at the thought of doing stuff with Willie as an audience. Niall swallowed, what if Shawn was not embarrassed because Willie had caught them but rather that he had liked that he did.

Niall wasn’t up for doing anything in front of his cousin but there were other things they could do. He needed to sit down and talk to Shawn about his kinks and soon, he wanted to know how far they should take it and what the boundaries were.

For now though he was content just getting Shawn alone and getting away from Willie’s praying eyes. He took a step back and grabbed Shawn’s hand so he could drag him along to the bedroom.

he was about to close the door but turned to Willie “I won’t apologies for anything ya might overhear tonight” Willie’s smirk turned feral. “Can’t wait” he wiggled his eyebrows and Niall let out a huff and Willie laughed heartily. Niall closed the door shaking his head not at all surprised Willie would stay and enjoy what he probably thought of as free porn.

An idea struck him and he looked at Shawn who was red to the tip of his ears, maybe it would be too much but he was almost positive it would drive Shawn crazy. He could use his cousin being on the other side of the thin wall, it would add another dimension to his desire.

He pushed Shawn on to the bed and crawled over him, on his way up his body he dragged his t-shirt up and followed the skin revealed with his mouth. Shawn was already breathing hard and his skin was flushed for more reasons than being embarrassed.

The shirt together with his own was soon on the floor, Niall sat over Shawn and bit his lip as he leaned down and breathed at Shawn’s ear lightly. “You’re all hot and bothered knowing me cousin is just outside, aware of what we’re doing, hearing us” he finished with biting down on Shawn’s globe. It wasn’t even a question but stating the fact for Shawn was making it more real.

To his delight his words and actions had the desired effects, Shawn made a guttural sound and arched his back “fuck yeah, I love it” Niall licked where he had bitten on Shawn’s ear and smiled. He couldn't help but wanting to torture Shawn a little bit about it though.

He brought his hips up so that they were no longer in contact with each other and lifted his head so he could smirk down at Shawn. “What do ya love?” Shawn looked pained and was biting on his bottom lip making it turn a delicious shade of red. “Please…” he said trying to reach up and drag Niall to him at the same time as he thrust up to get the contact he desired. Niall just shook his head waiting.

“I… I love being exposed, seen, heard” Niall made an appreciated sound and lowered himself again. Shawn looked ready to combust but when he realized Niall hadn’t made him say it to humiliate him he seemed to relax.

Niall ground down a few times. His phone had gone off somewhere in the background, was it twice now but he didn’t pay it much attention. It wasn’t important, nothing was except for Shawn.

His movements became a little harsher his cock sliding against Shawn’s over and over again. He gritted out between pants “no one... gets to see ya… other than me.” He made a particular heard thrust and emphasized the statement with “you’re _mine”_ Shawn seemed almost delirious but answered all the same “ _yours_ , only yours.” Shawn’s body was his for the taking, his to play with and his to look at. It was for his eyes only.

They made fast work of their trousers and underwear after that and soon they were finally nude and in a bed about to be intimate. He looked at Shawn spread out over his bed, he knew what he wanted to do but he was a little nervous about it.

Shawn’s body was literally glowing in the dim light, there was a thin sheet of sweat on his skin together with a light rosy coloring. He shivered as if he was cold but Niall knew it was more from the anticipation and not the air hitting the expanse of skin. Niall shivered too just looking at Shawn, he felt goosebumps prickle his skin but at the same time he felt like burning up. 

Niall swallowed at looked at Shawn’s cock, He had seen and touched it before but not much else. Shawn had been so good at it, so sensual and erotic on his knees for him in that shower. Niall really wanted to reciprocate tonight, he wanted to try it with Shawn, to taste and smell the pure essence of the man he loved.

He swallowed down the insecurities, Shawn had been so good for him and what if he wasn’t as good at it? One of the things that he had loved about Shawn giving him head was how much Shawn had enjoyed it. What if he didn’t love sucking cock? Being with Shawn sometimes made him feel inadequate and he was afraid of not measuring up. Shawn was just so gorgeous and smart and mastered anything he wanted to try. Niall was just well Niall. He knew Shawn would get angry on his behalf if he knew Niall was thinking like that but having someone as incredible as Shawn as your partner could be a bit intimidating.

He shook his head and got back to the task at hand. He wanted to do it and he would try his hardest to make it as good for Shawn as possible. His phone went off again from somewhere on the floor of the room. Niall frowned as he realised that it probably hadn’t stopped ringing over the past few minutes.

Shawn seemed to notice too “are you going to get it?” Niall was not about to let anything disturb them, whoever was calling could wait. As long as the world wasn’t ending he had better things to do than answering his damn phone. “That can wait, you can’t” he said and grinned wetting his lips with the tip of his tongue and bringing his hand to stroke Shawn’s dick ones.  It was so hard and warm in his hand, Shawn drew in a breath and made a broken sound, loud enough Niall was sure Willie could hear it. Shawn couldn’t wait and neither could Niall.

He wanted to worship every part of Shawn, memorize every mole, every scar and every single hair on that beautiful body. He slowly made his way down so he was eye level with Shawn’s member and Shawn releasing what he was about to do let out a “god yeah” drawing in another breath.

Niall was fascinated being so close to someone’s cock, or that wasn’t true. He was fascinated being so close to Shawn’s cock. It was like a living being all on its own with how it pulsated and almost vibrated in front of him. Niall was happy to realise it felt inviting rather than frightening.

There was a clear drop of precum on the tip and that made Niall decide to just go for it. Licking the head was a good start to a blow job. His tongue hadn’t more than made contact before there was a loud bang on the door. “Fucking hell Willie, not now” if the house wasn’t on fire he was going to kill his cousin.

Shawn had his arm over his eyes, no wonder he was being teased all night and had too feel both frustrated and desperate. It wasn’t as fun having an audience now. When he finally would get some relief, it would be worth it though, Niall thought denying yourself always made the release so much sweeter.

“I _really_ don’t want to interrupt but… I’m coming in” came Willie’s voice from outside the door. Niall scrambled up the bed to lay down over Shawn. He had been serious, no one but him was seeing Shawn like this. Naked, vulnerable and just so damn beautiful. He would have just gotten the sheet over them but unfortunately, they were on top of them.

Willie entered the room unashamed but when he saw Niall’s naked arse he put a hand over his eyes muttering “didn’t need to see that” Niall didn’t feel sorry for him in the least. Shawn didn’t say anything, but he had wrapped an arm around him and that grounded Niall a little.

He still almost spat out his next words though. “What the hell do you want?” he knew he was glaring daggers too, but who could blame him really.

Willie looked uncomfortable but also serious which made Niall feel uneasy. Something had definitely happened and Willie wasn’t there just to be a pain in the arse. “I, you should probably check your phone. Your manager will want to talk to you no doubt and… I’m sorry”

Niall was confused, this morning he had done promo and there had been nothing out of the ordinary.  Now his phone was blowing up but why “what are you talking about?” he said a little wearily. This conversation was weird and even weirder was having it with your naked butt in the air.

“Check your phone” Willie repeated and turned around seemingly wanting to leave them alone again as fast as possible. Niall appreciated that but the mood was kind of ruined. What the hell could have happened that was so big it couldn’t wait until the morning or at least an hour or two.

He looked back down at Shawn and kissed his nose “I’m sorry, we could…” He trailed off would Shawn want to continue where they had left off. Shawn Looked at him worriedly “you should probably check your phone, we will not be able to stop thinking about it before you do anyway.”

Niall nodded and marveled over how Shawn could be so wise and realistic even in situations like this. He made his way off the bed and over to where his clothes had landed and dug out his phone from one of the pockets. He unlocked it with trepidation and went to his text messages first. Harry, Louis and Nick had all sent him messages as well as his manager and head of PR. He also had seven missed calls.

Sitting on the edge of the bed he felt Shawn come up behind him his legs on either side of his hips and an arm around him as well. He felt supported whatever it was it would be okay with Shawn holding him. It couldn’t be that bad right, Shawn’s phone hadn’t blown up so their secret was safe at the very least.

He tapped the texts and read, each one making him more confused and worried. Harry was wondering if there was something he could do and said he was sorry. Why was he sorry, he hadn’t done anything? Louis sent two texts one only existing of a bunch of question marks and the other asking if it was true and what about Shawn? Niall had no idea what that was supposed to mean.

Nick sent over three tears of joy emojis and the word ridiculous and a link. The link was probably the source of it all and Niall hesitated before he clicked on it having no idea what he would be faced with when the page had finished loading. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi you guys ❤
> 
> Thank you for all the reviews for the last chapter and the birthday wishes I had a nice day and seeing Niall was amazing. Talking about tour, hope all of you got the Shawn tickets you wanted (:
> 
> How amazing is Shawn's album!!!? I can't even put it into words, that's how good it is. The fact that Niall was supposed to be at his LA apple live show but was sick. Today they are at the same place though, fingers crossed for real life interactions. 
> 
> About this chapter, SORRY for the long wait and for the cliffhanger as well as the teasing.  
> Also what do you think Dan's article is really about, any ideas? Did you think he was going to out Shiall?  
> I'll try to hurry with the next chapter. 
> 
> Hope you've had a great weekend (:


	39. Nothing Compares to You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shawn and Niall read the article. Some of Shawn's old insecurities resurface.

**Chapter 39: Nothing Compares to You**

Shawn blinked and stared at the phone screen glaring at him from in Niall’s hand. The bold letters staring angrily back at him unchangingly, they were making his stomach churn unpleasantly. Just the title of the ominous article and what the letters implied made Shawn want to throw up. And the article wasn’t even about him, he couldn’t even begin to start to imagine what Niall had to be feeling at the moment. Shawn squeezed him a little tighter to show him that he was there for him.

Niall started to slowly scroll down the story and they read the article in tandem, as Shawn read over Niall’s shoulder his thoughts where going all over the place and some of his insecurities from before started to creep back in.

**_Niall Horan Secretly Gay and Involved with Nick Grimshaw?_ **

_Niall Horan best known from One Direction has now embarked on a new direction with his solo career. The pop star’s love life may also have changed direction, with the previously thought straight Irishman now exploring the gay lifestyle._

_Niall as many other celebrities has once or twice been involved in gay rumors, rumors which he in the past has adamantly denied. Niall’s dating history through the years include numerous female celebrities such as Demi Lovato, Selena Gomez and Ellie Golding. Were those women just a façade hiding the truth? Has he finally decided to come out of hiding and be true to himself?_

_None other than the BBC Radio 1 The Breakfast Show DJ Nick Grimshaw seems to have his eyes set on Horan. If their interactions over the last few weeks is anything to go by the attraction seems to be mutual._

_On several occasions throughout this spring Niall and Nick have interacted in ways many would consider more than friendly. Back in March Grimshaw could be seen at Niall’s London residency together with several other known names in the industry as well as mutual friends of the two such as Harry Styles. Notable is that last to leave the party was Grimshaw and Styles._

_Only days after the get together Grimshaw could be seen once again at Horan’s residency. This time alone. Nick did not come empty handed, he was there to give Niall a mysterious parcel and a sunflower. Nick seemed nervous and flustered making the move, he needn’t be Niall’s reaction was delightful and he radiated pure happiness. See the pictures below. A happy couple in the making?_

_That Nick would pursue the talented young man is of no surprise. He has been openly gay for years and always interested in younger men. He and Harry were once rumored to be a couple even if they both denied it and Styles at the time insisted on being straight. Styles sexuality has often been questioned and as of now he doesn’t feel the need to label his orientation or give further explanation, read an exclusive here._

_Chart-topper Harry Styles on how his new album was ‘therapy’, One Direction’s future and his sexuality_

_This morning Niall had an interview with Nick on The Breakfast Show. The interview was together with Shawn Mendes, they both released new singles today and Niall is the opening act on Mendes’ upcoming Illuminate World Tour starting next week in Glasgow._

_In the interview Nick outright flirted with Niall on national radio and Shawn came of as being a third wheel. When talking about favourite colours Niall told them that he was the navy man as the colour went well with everything and Nick answered, “it brings out the blue in your eyes”. They also had several laughs together and teased each other throughout the interview._

_If this wasn’t enough after the interview Horan and Mendes could be seen leaving the studio and taking pictures with fans, Niall was wearing one of Nick’s shirts from the DJ’s own Top Man collection. See the adorable pictures of Niall in Nick’s too big sweater below._

_The involved parts have yet to make a comment. The article will be updated as more information surfaces._

_Please leave a comment on what you think of this development. Is Niall Horan gay? Do you think he and Nick Grimshaw could have a future together?_

**_Written by Dan Wootton executive editor for The Sun_ **

Shawn swallowed hard, a lot of emotions swirling around inside his stomach and thoughts running around in his head. He knew of course there was no truth to the alleged relationship between Nick and Niall. Niall loved him there was no doubt in his mind about that, he felt secure in their love for each other. The occasions brought up in the article was showcasing their love not something between Nick and his boyfriend.

It didn’t matter though if it was the truth or not, it was published as being the truth, people would read it and question what they knew about Niall. What should they do now? They couldn’t come forward with the real truth, not yet.

Niall could deny it, but would people believe him or the article. Without all the facts, without knowing Nick had thrown that party because he was guilty about outing them, Shawn and Niall, to Harry. That delivering the sunflower and parcel to Niall had been for Shawn on their one-month anniversary. It was all Shawn and Niall not Nick and Niall but no one could know that. Without those facts it was easy to believe what you thought you were seeing, what looked to be plain as day obvious.  

People would probably ask him about his sexuality and he knew Niall didn’t want to lie. Shawn didn’t want him to have to lie, not for him or anyone else. If he made a statement saying he and Nick wasn’t dating but didn’t address the other issue people would draw conclusions that he had something to hide. If he did deny the relationship and said he wasn’t gay then when they did come out publicly he would be slaughtered and called a liar by both fans and media. There was no good solution, no good options that wouldn’t cause an undesired fallout.

Shawn closed his eyes and felt a lump form in his throat and his stomach lurch. He felt sick and like he just wanted to curl up into a ball and pretend the world outside this room, this bed he shared with Niall, didn’t exist.

His thoughts were interrupted by Niall, who was still sitting between his legs, starting to shake. Shawn first thought was that he was about to cry but then realized it was from holding back laughter. He stared in shock, why was Niall silently laughing there was _nothing_ funny about that article. Nothing funny about this situation they were now finding themselves in, nothing at all.

Maybe Niall was laughing out of despair, sometimes you got so shocked and disturbed you could do nothing but laugh even if what you really wanted to do was to cry.

Niall didn’t seem either shocked or sad though, he went from silently laughing to giving out an outright belly laugh. Shawn didn’t know what to feel, Niall’s outburst of happiness when he felt so shaken up and miserable was making him very uneasy.

Niall turned around in his arms and smiled widely at him “oh mate, that was the most hilarious thing I’ve read in like forever” his smile turned into a frown and his laughter came to a stop when he got a good look at Shawn’s face and saw his body language. Shawn could feel how tense he had become and he was sure his face was a shade of grey from how nauseated he was feeling.

Niall reached for him and hugged him but this time it didn’t make him feel better like it usually did, why had Niall been laughing? They usually were on the same page or at least understood each other but not this time.

“Ya didn’t find it funny” Niall stated the obvious. The lump in his throat was thick and he was unsure if he could get any words out, it was a rhetorical question though, so he didn’t need to answer but he still managed a small shake of his head. He wanted to scream a big _no_ , why would anyone think that being outed even if with the wrong guy would be funny.

It wasn’t just that. The article also made it glaringly obvious that Niall had options, Shawn knew Niall loved him and he was eternally grateful that Niall kept choosing him. It couldn’t be easy to be with him, not when Shawn made him keep hiding and pretending.

His thoughts had been there before, his insecurities and doubts about if he was treating Niall as good as the other man deserved. If what he could give was enough. Niall was amazing, and he deserved the absolute best. Niall could have that with anyone, maybe Nick really did have a thing for Niall.

Shawn loved Niall with everything he had but sometimes love wasn’t enough and maybe loving Niall and keeping him for himself and hidden away was selfish. It would be easier for Niall to be with someone like Nick, someone out and proud and more experienced. He could easily just confirm the rumors brought up in the article, being with someone like Nick would be so much easier than being with someone like Shawn.

Niall could be free and whoever he wanted to be, with whoever he wanted. Except he couldn’t do that with Shawn. Shawn hated to be the one holding Niall back and he hated to be reminded of it. He felt guilty, Niall deserved more than he was able to give him. He deserved someone that could be what he needed, someone strong and courageous not someone insecure and fragile. Not someone like Shawn.

Niall leaned back and looked at Shawn sadly. “Tell me what’s going on in your head, you’re scaring me I need ya to talk to me Shawn and not bottle your emotions up” Niall was looking into his eyes and Shawn could tell he was sincere.

He took a deep breath and let out one of the things plaguing him “I… why did you laugh? That article wasn’t funny” he let out the breath and forced down the emotions Niall told him not to bottle up. It was like the room was spinning and everything was falling apart and caving in around him. It was all too much, he didn’t know how to make it stop or how to feel like everything made sense again.

He could feel a panic attack coming on. Then a warm hand clamped down on his wrist and it grounded him at least a little. Shawn could tell Niall had said something, but he didn’t hear it. The only thing that wasn’t chaos and crashing down around him was the strong hand holding him and keeping him from breaking. Niall’s fingers closing around his arm. He focused on that and felt the tight feeling that had taken over his chest ease just a little bit.

“Shawn” Niall’s voice broke though the thunderstorm in his mind, like the first rays of sunshine breaking through the clouds. His voice sounded frantic and far away but it was there all the same. When had he started to breath hard and fast and why was he shaking? “Please lay down for me” Niall urged, Shawn obliged and soon found himself spread on the bed with his head on Niall’s thigh and with Niall’s fingers carding through his hair calming him further.

It could have been only a few minutes or up to several hours until Niall spoke again. “I laughed because it was the most absurd thing I’ve heard in a long time, just bloody bizarre. Me and Nick together” he laughed softly this time as if he was imagining it and finding it the most ridiculous thought ever crossing his mind. “No one will believe it and even if they do it doesn’t matter, because we know the truth and that's what matters. Let others think what they want to believe and fuck them for assuming anything about things that isn’t their business to begin with.”

Shawn wanted to be able to see it that way too but he just couldn’t. Even if he thought it was a little naïve to just laugh it off and think it wouldn’t have serious consequences, he envied Niall for being able to just ignore what everyone else would think. He wished he could just shrug it off like that and see it for the concoction of presumptions very far from the actual truth that it was. It should be funny as he knowing the truth knew how completely off-track Dan had derailed and the most funny thing was that he probably believed that he had really uncovered the big secret. It should be funny that he believed in his own lie, but Shawn couldn’t make himself feel anything near joyous.

He looked at Niall not wanting to make him as miserable as he was but he had to make him see the reality of the situation. “They will believe it Niall…hell even Louis does, he asked you if it was true didn’t he” if Louis who knew Niall better than most people still felt like he had to ask, the public wouldn’t even ask they would just assume it was the truth.

Niall seemed to ponder that for a while so Shawn kept voicing his concerns while drawing patterns with his fingers on Niall’s leg. “What are you going to do, they will want you to address the gay rumor and the relationship and I’m not ready to tell the truth yet” he didn’t want to be forced to come out, it should be on their terms damn it. 

Niall’s fingers in his hair stilled and he seemed to tense a little and Shawn glanced up hoping he wouldn’t catch Niall breaking down. One of them had to be strong. Niall didn’t look sad though, he looked pissed. “I have no obligation to tell anyone anything” he shook his head and looked down at Shawn tenderly as if he had to comfort Shawn when it was Niall’s world that had just been tilted on its axis.

“Don’t ya worry, I’ll confirm me and Nick are just friends but for the rest I will not address it. I won’t lie, me being neither straight or gay or that I’m into you are none of their damn business until I decide it is and they will just have to deal with it” he raised an eyebrow and Shawn smiled for the first time since he had laid eyes on the article.

Shawn closed his eyes and smelled Niall’s skin. Maybe Niall was right, maybe it would be fine and he could just avoid answering the invasive questions and they wouldn’t hound him too hard. The fact was that he shouldn’t need to avoid the questions if he didn’t want to. Shawn knew Niall would rather just say he wasn’t with Nick but he was indeed with another man. Shawn was the reason he couldn’t do that.

“I can tell there’s still something on your mind, please Shawn talk to me” Niall’s voice made Shawn shiver because it was rather authoritative even if posed as a plead it felt like an order and it made Shawn unable to not just give in and spill the other thoughts on his mind.

“I’m sorry… so sorry for making things more difficult for you” he could tell Niall was confused and closed his eyes. Niall wanted honesty and deserved it, Shawn shouldn’t be selfish. “Being with Nick you wouldn’t need to…” he trailed off abruptly as Niall’s hand in his hair tugged hard making him whimper out of surprise.

**SHIALL**

This night had been one hell of a roller-coaster. The latest emotion being anger, he wasn’t angry at Shawn he was angry at himself because apparently he hadn’t done enough, Shawn still didn’t know for sure that Niall didn’t need anyone else to be happy, that Shawn and what he had to offer was all he wanted and needed. Niall didn’t want easy he wanted love, the love he shared with Shawn.

Shawn was the best thing that had ever happened to him and that Shawn didn’t understand that made Niall’s heart break. It made him wonder that even if Shawn could never be anything less than enough for him did he think himself enough for him. He wanted to just take all the pain and crush those demeaning thoughts Shawn had about himself. He just wanted to be able to help him more, do more to get Shawn to understand that he was worth waiting for.

He didn’t want or need someone out and proud being a role model. He just needed an amazing person who got him. He wanted and needed Shawn. It was that simple.

It was so frustrating seeing Shawn guilt trip himself into believing Niall needed and deserved something else than himself. It was devastating to be helpless in helping him see his worth. He was the most precious person in Niall’s life. The sad thing was that Shawn didn’t value himself just as much as Niall did, he just wanted to make him see what Niall saw when he looked at Shawn. He didn’t see a broken person, or one that was holding him back. He saw this strong and loving human being that was learning to be true to himself and proud of who he was. And Niall was so proud of Shawn, he just wished Shawn would be proud of himself too.

He would do anything in his power to make that happen. “Can ya sit up for me please, I need you to hear me when I say this” he wanted Shawn to really hear him and listen. Shawn looked almost scared, so Niall reached out and caressed his cheek making Shawn look at him. There was so much hurt in his eyes it made Niall want to cry and curse at the world for being so unfair and making the most beautiful souls have the hardest time appreciating themselves.

Niall took both of Shawn’s hands in his own and gave Shawn a small smile before he started to speak “nothing compares to you, there is no competition and there will never be” he waited until he saw Shawn nod in understanding. “For all I care ya could be 50, bald, fat and with an empty bank account and I would still always choose you” Shawn blinked, Niall smiled because this was coming straight from his heart and he could tell Shawn knew that Niall was telling the truth.

“I will always choose ya over something easy over Nick Grimshaw or over fucking British royalty if they asked for me hand. I love you and not the version of you that you think I need. I love you because of who ya are, because your heart and soul and that brilliant but tormented mind of yours. I love you because of the lovely person that you are.”

Niall took a few deep breaths and he could tell he had rendered Shawn at a loss of words which was just as good as Niall still had things he wanted to say. “The first time I met ya I thought you were tall, the essence of innocence, extremely Canadian but most importantly that you were a very, very sweet guy that sings like an angel with a pure and beautiful heart. As long as your heart stays the same and you stay true to the person that I fell in love with all other things are just worldly, things we can get through, together. I want to be with ya and that means sharing the hard times and bearing your pain as well as enjoying the good times. Our love will always be enough and I would sacrifice a lot to get to be with you, our relationship is the most important thing in the world to me.”

He took a few deep breaths and looked at Shawn in the eyes. That was a lot for the other to process but he needed to say all that as it was the truth and Shawn needed to know that even if he had hard times he could share them with him and he would always try to help and take away some of that pain.

Shawn blinked and swallowed, and Niall was alarmed when he saw that Shawn’s eyes were glistening and it looked like he was going to cry. A few tears did roll down his cheeks, but a genuine smile also broke out on his face and his glazed eyes shone with a light from within. That smile was like seeing a rainbow appear on the sky, the tears on his cheeks and the light shining in his eyes being like the rain and sun working together to create an array of colours.

Shawn held his hands a bit tighter and closed his eyes for a second seeming to try to collect his thoughts. “I know that I do but I really needed you to say it” Niall nodded and simply said “I know”.

Shawn shook his head “everything you said… it means the world to me and there is so much I should tell you in return, I just don’t have the words… I love you and I hope you know how much” Niall nodded because he knew and he didn’t need Shawn to say more than that. Shawn showed him every day how much he loved him and what he meant to him, he expressed it without needing to use his voice.

He simply said “I know” again and Shawn smiled. Niall brought up a thumb and took away the last tear that was still on Shawn’s cheek. “We’ll deal with the world tomorrow, for now we’ll just be. What do you want?”

Shawn bit his lip as if nervous to tell him what he wanted “can you just hold me?” Niall nodded and laid down after moving the comforter aside. Shawn crawled into the bed and laid his head on Niall’s shoulder. They wrapped their arms around each other and Niall kissed Shawn on the top of his head putting all the tender affection he could muster into that single press of his lips against Shawn’s hair. As he closed his eyes he could feel that their heartbeats were in synch.

They had planned to physically celebrate their love tonight but somehow this was even more intimate. Just laying there naked as close as possible and in synch with each other. This was what he had always wished for when dreaming about finding that one special person to spend his life with. He hoped Shawn felt as loved as he did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good evening (:
> 
> As promised not that long a wait for this chapter.
> 
> The article about Harry referred to in my Dan article is canon even if in real life that was posted in May and not April last year.
> 
> The things Niall say about what he thought about Shawn when they met for the first time is also canon as he told us in their Big Weekend interview.  
> That interview gave me life. They are just so adorable and perfect together. How they look at each other, touch, make each other laugh. After watching that I could die happy.
> 
> Stay true to your heart and remember you are all worth it ❤❤❤


	40. Roommates

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shawn and Niall have a lunch meeting with Andrew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait!  
> Hope you like the new chapter and thank you so much for over 200 kudos for this story, that's just so cool!

**Chapter 40: Roommates**

There had been a few days since the article had been published. The hype had started to die down now, at least a little bit. After the article had been released into the world _Nick and Niall_ had trended for hours on twitter. Niall had turned his phone off after he and Shawn had read the blasted thing so naturally when he had turned his phone on the next morning he had been bombarded with missed calls, messages and notifications.

Niall was frustrated, his management and PR people had tried hard to convince him to make a statement. However as he had said to Shawn he wouldn’t do it, he wouldn’t say anything that wasn’t the truth or deluded from the truth. He didn’t want to and he wasn’t obliged to do so, he was abundantly clear on that. He didn’t owe anyone an explanation.

His team wanted him to make it clear that he wasn’t involved with Nick as well as stating that he wasn’t gay. Even if he wasn’t gay, even if that was the truth, saying that he wasn’t gay would make people automatically assume that he was straight. It wasn’t right but as he had previously stated and thought himself being straight it wouldn’t be strange for them to draw that conclusion. As he was actually dating a man though misleading people to think he was straight now, when he knew he wasn’t, would be a bad idea and wouldn’t lead to anything good when he and Shawn finally came out publicly.

They had even urged him to write a newsletter to his fans or at least let a publicist write a small statement for him. He had said no on both accounts which had seemed to make them rather haggard but he didn’t care as it was his decision to make if he wanted to make a statement or not, they would just have to work with him instead of trying to change his mind. He wouldn’t and he thought they had finally started to realise that.

It felt to Niall like he had been sitting in meetings now for several days straight and when not in a meeting he had been on his phone. He was exhausted, he was so tired of it all and wouldn’t have it anymore. He had a tour to prepare for and more important things to deal with than nosy reporters and invasive questions that had nothing to do with his music and everything to do with his private life. His private life, not theirs. He was tired of defending his decision to not make a statement, he was tired end of story.

He decided to turn his phone off at least to the first show of the tour, he didn’t want to or had the energy to deal with this at the moment. Before doing so he had talked to Nick though, even if he had no desire to make a statement he didn’t want the public to believe the lie that he and Nick were an item either.

In the end they had decided that Nick would clear the air on the radio and let the world know that they weren’t dating that way. Not making it into a big thing or anything but still making it clear that they weren’t interested in each other. Nick would deliver the news, in a joking and lighthearted way, that Nick was single and that he supposedly was dating the Niall Horan was something he hadn’t been privy to before the article and that the news had been just as surprising to him as it had been to everyone else.

Niall’s people hadn’t been very happy with him for keeping parts of his life in the dark from them. Half of the meetings had been him explaining the situation, there were staff that had thought the article had been genuine and he had had to tell some people in his team the truth, tell them about him and Shawn.

They had been all over the place after that, saying how they wouldn’t be able to protect him and do their jobs if they didn’t know all of the facts. How they wouldn’t be able to do damage control if something like that came out without preparations and safety nets. Niall didn’t really care for what they thought, it was his life and he would live it as he damned well pleased.

They were breathing down his neck about how he and Shawn had to share their plans with them before they decided to make their relationship public. When he and Shawn decided they were ready to come out they would be the last to know, he didn’t want their coming out to be crafted by other people and made into a PR move. It should be true to them and natural not a show for the masses. Coming out should be something happening on his and Shawn’s terms and no one else should have a say in it.

Niall was on his way across town, he cursed as he looked out the window of the car he was in. He hadn’t thought of the middle day traffic and now he was stuck and running late to the lunch meeting Shawn had wanted him to attend with him and his manager Andrew Gertler.

He had been recording for a music video for Slow Hands, he had loved the idea when it had been pitched to him but the recording of it had been a bit crazy. He had been in water twice and had been doing stunts in front of a green screen for hours. He hoped the end product would end up being something really cool but he wasn’t convinced it would end up being what he had envisioned or even remotely close to it.

Today was one of those days he had wished he could have just stayed in bed and forgotten about the world and his responsibilities. Niall sighed, another meeting. A meeting together with Shawn though so that made the whole thing a lot more pleasant as it felt like they hadn’t seen much of the other over the last few days. He just wanted to have an afternoon where he could relax and spend some down time with his boyfriend, he didn’t think that was too much to ask.

**SHIALL**

Shawn sat fidgeting slightly in his chair, he was nervous even if he knew logically that he had nothing to be nervous about. It was still nerve wrecking to let anyone in on their secret even if it was someone he knew would be fine with it.

He had known Andrew for years, if it wasn’t for him he would probably not be where he was today. Andrew had believed in him from the start and seen the potential in him. He was so grateful at having him as his manager as he was more like a friend than anything else, Shawn knew he would always have his best interests in mind no matter what.

Shawn also knew Andrew would have no problem with him and Niall, he managed Shawn’s career but Shawn’s happiness and well being had always been Andrew’s main priority. He was like a protective big brother or uncle, Shawn thought with a smile.

He also remembered how cool Andrew had been when Teddy Geiger, one of the people Shawn enjoyed writing with, had come out recently as transgender. It had been no big deal so why would Shawn dating a guy, dating Niall, be any different. He marveled once again at how now when he identified as somewhere on the LGBTQ spectrum he saw how many of the people around him were also on the spectrum.

He had planned to talk to Andrew for a long time but it just hadn’t happened yet. The last few weeks had flown past, the fact that the tour would start now in just a few short days was insane. It felt like not long ago since he had asked Niall to come along on the tour after the last Shawn Mendes World Tour performance.

This lunch meeting with Andrew today was not only to finally tell him about them. Shawn had realised with people thinking Niall was just on the tour as a friend and fellow musician they wouldn’t take for granted that they wanted to share a room when staying in hotels. Shawn couldn’t even imagine the torture of going on tour with Niall and then still having to spend the nights alone. Having Niall there so close but still out of his reach.

He had become used to sharing a bed with Niall and he was questioning if he would even be able to get a good night's sleep anymore without the Irish boy next to him. Without his comforting weight and warmth surrounding him. Without the smell of man and simply Niall invading his senses.

“Shawn, you said you had something important to discuss with me about the tour” Shawn shook his head and blinked. he had gotten lost in his thoughts about Niall embracing him in bed at night. He and Andrew had just arrived at a small café where they had been seated in the back.

At first when Andrew had suggested they had a lunch meeting he had been vary as he was afraid their privacy couldn’t be guaranteed. This place was secluded though and unless they waved someone over the staff seemed to let the patrons mind their own business.

He looked at the entrance to the café and frowned glancing down at his watch, Niall was late. He turned back to Andrew and gave him a small smile “yeah sorry, just waiting on Niall” Andrew nodded with a curious expression. Shawn hadn’t mentioned that Niall would join them, this was an impulse meeting and they hadn’t talked since it had been arranged.

A waiter approached their table and asked if they were ready to order. Andrew was probably about to say no as Niall wasn’t with them yet but Shawn answered before he could. “yes, we’re ready” Andrew raised an eyebrow in surprise but didn’t comment instead he smiled politely at the waiter and placed his order.

Shawn knew what Niall liked and flipped through the menu quickly before settling on ordering a chicken pasta dish that sounded like something they both would enjoy. He wasn’t so hungry though as the upcoming conversation was making his stomach knot itself, a light salmon salad he could probably manage however. He and Niall could share the two dishes between them and the light healthy salad balanced the more heavy creamy pasta dish perfectly.

“Drinks?” the waiter inquired with a smile, Shawn didn’t even have to think about that one as he ordered a beer each for him and Niall. Being in Europe had its advantages and he needed the liquid courage.

Andrew was studying him with an expression of interest. He realised that ordering food for someone was a rather coupley thing to do, especially if that someone was Niall Horan. Shawn blushed under the scrutiny and he was grateful when Andrew let the whole thing slide without asking any questions. After this lunch Andrew would know anyway so if he got to see them acting like the couple they were it wasn’t so bad.

He smiled when he realised that this could be their future. Having lunch with friends and if one of them were late the other could order for the both of them. He could imagine it, if they had been out, Niall coming in through the door of the café him spotting Shawn at the table and his face splitting into a big grin before heading over. Niall bending down and Shawn greeting him with a kiss, not lewd but not entirely chaste either. They would kiss and then Shawn would hand Niall his beer and Niall would then initiate a kiss of his own, just a peck this time to thank him. They would stare in each other’s eyes having a silent conversation and then sit beside each other touching somewhere through the whole meal.

Shawn could see it very clearly and wished he could just screw everything and make it a reality when Niall would finally grace them with his presence. He wasn’t that brave though, just telling Andrew was making him skittish so it was almost unthinkable to make something so daring and obvious. It was still nice to imagine what could be and someday he would be able to not only think and want to do it but actually live it.

He was brought back by Andrew chuckling “you’ve spaced out on me several times in the last ten minutes” Shawn ducked his head and mumbled a “sorry.” It wasn’t his meaning to ignore his manager and friend it was just that it was hard not getting lost in thoughts about Niall. He looked surprised when he realised that their drinks had arrived while he had been daydreaming, he really must have been miles away.

He didn’t have time to ponder though as just then Niall came through the door and looked around the café, just as Shawn had imagined his whole being illuminated with happiness when he spotted Shawn sitting in the back. It made Shawn bite his lip and smile, he was sure his cheeks had a red flush to them as well. He couldn’t help it though, seeing Niall’s reaction to simply seeing him made him feel so warm and loved.

Andrew must have seen Shawn’s expression because he turned slightly in his chair to glance over his shoulder to be able to watch Niall walk over to their table. Shawn was sure his friend must think that they were behaving strangely but it didn’t matter as he would soon know the truth.

Niall’s smile didn’t falter as he stopped in front of the table and smiled down at Shawn. Shawn could feel his skin tingle with the desire to reach out and touch Niall in any way. To greet each other in a more intimate way than just connecting gazes and smiling at each other. Someday they would do more, they would let what they felt show for everyone to see.

It was amazing though how when Niall had walked through that door everything else became the background. Niall was the only thing in focus and since Niall had spotted him he hadn’t looked away from him for even a second.

Shawn’s throat suddenly felt a little dry and he took a sip of his beer and pushed the other a bit towards where Niall stood. Niall’s smile got even bigger and he seemed very pleased making Shawn feel very satisfied. Niall took the offered glass and took a big gulp of the brown liquid, sighing in pleasure. “Thank ya Shawn, I really needed a good old pint” he said and made a humming noise that made Shawn squirm. Who would have known Niall relishing a beer like that would be so very tempting to him and deliciously sexy.

Shawn shook his head regrouping and to get the desire Niall had inflicted on him to lessen. He chuckled and couldn’t help but tease the Irish guy a little “when do you not think it’s a great time a for a beer” Niall smiled and said nothing.

Niall seemed to consider where to sit. He could sit opposite Shawn and they could play footsie under the table, but it made more sense for him to sit beside Shawn as they would be sharing the meal. Shawn scooted over on the couch he was sitting on and Niall sat down, close but not too close.

Niall’s gaze left Shawn and then they both looked over the table for the first time since Niall’s arrival. Shawn felt embarrassed as he realised they must have been entirely engrossed in each other for minutes and had totally ignored Andrew. Looking at the older man now though he didn’t seem all that bothered that they had only had eyes for each other. He had his eyebrows raised and had an intrigued and amused expression marrying his face.

Shawn looked nervously around them, if Andrew was looking at them like that probably suspecting something maybe other people would too. He had totally forgotten that they were not only out in public, but they were in plain sight of several people that could be watching their every move. No one was looking at them though, too engrossed in their own company and food to care about anyone else. Shawn let out a relieved breath.

Shawn didn’t know if he should apologize or just pretend they hadn’t just had a moment in front of Andrew. Niall broke the silence before Shawn had had the time to decide. “Sorry for being late, long morning recording a video and I forgot the time” he said shaking his head “you must be Andrew, nice to meet ya mate” he smiled brightly at Andrew and Andrew gave a small nod and let his mouth turn up slightly too before he reached over a hand for Niall to shake “likewise, Niall.”

Shawn knew they would get along well, Niall was impossible not to get along with and Andrew was just a great guy and the best manager anyone could ask for. He felt the nerves from earlier come back full force, Niall was here and Andrew looked like he was ready to burst holding back from asking why he had arranged this lunch meeting in the first place.

Shawn swallowed hard and drew in a long breath of air through his nose. He wished that they could have just shown Andrew that they were a couple and that he wouldn’t have to tell him with words rather than action. They were in public though and he couldn’t just grab Niall’s hand and lay it all out there on the table. He didn’t want everyone to see, just Andrew.

He let out the breath he had just taken in a stuttering gush and stumbled over his words “we, me and Niall… It’s” he stopped abruptly when he noticed a waiter come towards their table with three plates of food balanced easily in his hands. Shawn shivered, what if he hadn’t noticed the waiter approaching, he could have just blurted it out with other people overhearing and you never knew who they might have told. He shook his head berating himself, it hadn’t happened, they were safe no one were going to out them.

He felt Niall put a big warm hand on his knee in a gesture of support. It was amazing how such a small simple touch from his boyfriend was able to calm him down and bring him back from the brink of a panic attack. When he glanced at Niall’s face the other boy gave him a reassuring smile before turning his gaze towards the waiter who had just asked them which dish was for which person.

Andrew answered first and a plate was put on the table in front of him, which then left the waiter looking expectantly at them. Niall gave him a smile and gestured, with the hand not resting on Shawn’s knee, at the surface in front of both himself and Shawn. “We’ll be sharing, could ya be a mate and get us an extra plate each” the guy looked surprised for maybe a second but nodded before setting down the plates on the table and hurrying away to fulfill Niall’s request.

Less than a minute passed before the waiter was back with the extra plates which he put on the table in front of Niall and Shawn respectively. Shawn wished that they didn’t need the extra plates, that they could just have nicked food from both dishes and maybe even could have been feeding each other. One more thing to a whole list of things they weren’t able to do because they were closeted and out in public. He sighed, he knew that they couldn’t act and do as they wished was his own damn fault and no one else's.

They loaded their plates with food in silence. Niall took a generous helping of both dishes while Shawn put a little on his plate mostly for show. He only managed to pick at the food, too worked up to really taste anything.

Shawn chanced a quick glance across the table at Andrew, he looked both intrigued and curious but as if he was trying to hide his curiosity. Shawn tried to swallow down a small bite of food despite the big lump in his throat. He didn’t know exactly what to say, how to deliver the news in the best way.

In the end Andrew got too impatient with him and broke the silence “what’s going on? I can tell there’s been something weighing on your mind all morning” Shawn nodded and looked down at the table in front of him. Niall could probably feel the nervous energy emitting from him in waves, Shawn was very grateful as Niall grabbed his hand discreetly under the table, grounding him and giving him the extra bit of courage he needed.

People that said coming out became easier after the first time you had done it were wrong. It was just as nerve wrecking now as it had been the first time. At least they wouldn’t have to keep coming out to people their whole lives, when they came out publicly that would be it. Everyone would know. In a way Shawn was relieved by that, when they crossed that threshold there truly would be no turning back and no uncertainties.

With other none famous people everyone would assume you were straight as a default as long as you didn’t tell them otherwise or was overly flamboyant. With people like him and Niall it was different, people wouldn’t assume ever again because everyone and their mother would know. That thought was both frightening and a relief all at once.

Shawn shifted his weight from one side to the other, he decided to ease into the conversation, instead of just blurting out his confession. “You’re probably wondering why we’re here” Andrew just raised one eyebrow and nodded enquiringly at Shawn in confirmation.

Andrew waited patiently for a moment for Shawn to continue the conversation without prompting, Shawn didn’t really know what to say however, so he remained silent and looked down at the table in front of him again. Andrew sighed when he understood Shawn wasn’t going to just share what was on his mind, making Shawn flinch. Why was is so damn hard to say five simple words, to just say what he was feeling. To say _I’m in love with Niall._ It shouldn’t be so hard.

“Something concerning tour…” Andrew inquired gently after a few more seconds of silence. Andrew could probably see in his body language that if he pressured him it would just spoke Shawn and make him close in on himself, making it even harder to get the words out. Shawn swallowed trying to wet his dry throat, he braced himself before giving a tiny nod. “Yeah it’s... we need your help.” Andrew studied him perplexedly, Shawn squirmed under the scrutiny and cursed at himself under his breath, he was such a coward, this was Andrew for God’s sake.

Andrew’s expression turned into one of curiosity “we?” Shawn could feel himself blush slightly and glanced sideways at Niall who was watching him fondly. Shawn was so grateful that Niall wasn’t interfering, knowing Shawn had to do this on his own. Niall’s presence beside him and the look of love, for him, that was shining in his eyes was all he needed.  “We, I’ve… eh I’ve met someone.”

Andrews eyes lit up and he smiled with genuine happiness. “That’s wonderful Shawn” he gushed, Shawn wanted to just bask in the happy feeling without having to go on and disclose the rest. He had to power through though, otherwise he would probably just lose his nerve. “I’m” he drew in a breath looking around to ensure no one would overhear before rushing out in one breath “I’m in love with Niall.”

Andrew’s smile didn’t waver in the least, he just looked between them before saying “still wonderful” which was so good for Shawn to hear. There were no questions, nothing about his sexual identity or concerns about what being involved with another male would mean for his career. Nothing except genuine happiness for them and unconditional support.

Shawn looked over at Niall and his boyfriend was beaming, the smile adoring his face looked even brighter than the sun and if Shawn wasn’t mistaken his eyes were shining brighter than the stars. He felt his breath hitch, how on earth wasn’t everyone in love with this incredible guy. He was the most beautiful thing Shawn had ever seen. Shawn was unable to not return Niall’s expression with a smile of his own, even if his smile was a little weaker and more nervous in nature instead of radiating and carefree.

Niall squeezed his hand under the table and murmured so quietly that Shawn was sure not even Andrew could hear his words “proud of ya, love” Shawn bit his lip, he wished he could kiss Niall and show him how much it meant just having him there and letting Shawn do this in his own pace. He tried to convey all the gratitude and love he felt for Niall through his gaze. Shawn thought Niall got it if Niall’s now soft smile was any indication.

Andrew looked giddy on the other side of the table and if Shawn hadn’t glared at him in warning, after he had dragged his eyes reluctantly away from Niall and changed his focus back to his manager, he was sure Andrew would have awed at them.

Suddenly Andrew got a glint in his eyes, his expression turning to one Shawn knew well. One of business and determination. Shawn admired the drive his manager had when he set his mind to something, his passion always shined through his work when he really cared for something or someone. Shawn could tell this was going to be one of those times. “Of course I’ll help you guys, it won’t be a walk in the park but I’ll do what I can to make it as easy for you as possible” Shawn looked at him confused. He hadn’t even told Andrew what he needed his help with.

“What…” Andrew looked like he had more to say though and as if he didn’t notice that Shawn didn’t know what he was even talking about. “We’ll need a plan but we can make it as discreet or extravagant as you like, I’ll make it so that however you want to do this will be doable and with the least amount of backlash” he looked apologetic saying the last part. Shawn shook his head, backlash for what.

Niall made a noise of realisation beside him and Shawn looked at him confusedly, Niall was looking at Andrew with a pleased but sad expression on his face. “It’s not… We’re not coming out, at least not yet.”

Shawn opened his mouth and felt it kept hanging open in slight shock. Andrew had thought they wanted his help with coming out publicly and he had latched onto the idea without any hesitation. He didn’t want them to stay in the closet for their careers, he didn’t even want to dictate how their coming out would be done.

He just wanted to help them with whatever they wanted to do. Shawn had always known Andrew was a great friend and manager, but he was overwhelmed by the support. Not even his father had been able to give that. It was great to know that when they decided to go public Andrew would be there for them and help them in whichever way they needed.

Niall had sounded sad when saying that they weren’t planning on coming out yet but the way he said it also made Shawn feel warmth bubble inside of him. Niall hadn’t said Shawn didn’t want to come out yet, he’d said _we._ They were a unit and they were doing all this together.

Andrew looked calculatingly at them “Oh sorry, I did jump to conclusions. What is it you wanted help with then?” Niall shook his head “it’s fine and your support is very appreciated, I don’t actually know this meeting was all Shawn’s idea” Shawn felt his cheeks redden as both Niall and Andrew looked over at him expectantly.

He fidgeted with one of the napkins on the table “I just wanted to ask if we could maybe arrange for us to share hotel rooms on tour, I mean it would be easy to sell it of as us just wanting to be roommates as everyone knows we’re good friends” Shawn felt stupid even saying it.

Why was he rambling trying to convince Andrew? Even making up a lie about what to tell people if they found it suspicious. Andrew had been okay to let them come out, not only okay with it but even excited and encouraging and now here Shawn was trying to keep Niall close but making it appear as just another thing between friends. He knew he didn’t need to do it but he couldn’t seem to stop wanting a safety net, an excuse to tell if needed to be able to keep the truth hidden, even more so after the article.

He didn’t chance a glance at Niall as he didn’t want to see any disappointment on his face. He wished he could just be braver for Niall. That him making up and hiding behind lies was not the default.

Andrew looked at him with understanding flashing in his eyes “yeah, I can arrange for you to share hotel rooms that’s no problem at all.” Shawn smiled relived. He didn’t know why he had been so fucking nervous. Of course Andrew would be fine with everything and that he would help them. He had known that but he had still been in knots all day, he could feel how his muscles finally started to relax and his stomach was settling, maybe he would be able to eat something anyway. Having a few hours alone with Niall every day was exactly what Shawn needed. A few hours of them being able to be themselves without looking over their shoulders or holding themselves back from being and loving who they truly were.

The rest of the lunch their fingers stayed intervened under the table which worked surprisingly well as they could both eat with their dominate hands. Shawn had never imagined he would be so happy over someone being left handed.

They chatted with Andrew and as Shawn had thought he and Niall got along really well and Shawn smiled knowing they had yet another person in their corner. Someone in his life knowing but not caring in the least, other than in the sense of being happy for him that he had found someone to love that also loved him back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some trivia.  
> -The small tidbits about the Slow Hands music video are all canon. Sadly Niall decided to not release it which I'm still bummed about and I hope we'll see it someday even if Niall thinks it's really bad xD  
> -Teddy Geiger is someone Shawn writes with sometimes who did come out as transgender in 2017. She had her first red carpet this spring since transitioning where she looked gorgeous (: 
> 
> If you like football I hope you're enjoying the World Cup. Loved the Portuguese version of In My Blood, a shame that they didn't go further and that Ireland didn't make the championship at all. Being Swedish I also have to say sorry to Louis as I really hope for England to lose today xD 
> 
> Hope you're having a good summer so far, keep on loving ♥️


	41. Missed Calls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis' plan is set in motion. Shawn gets an unexpected call.

**Chapter 41: Missed Calls**

Louis was pacing, cursing aloud in the empty room and even stamping his feet in frustration as he was wearing down the carpet. He’d planned everything _perfectly_ , he had set his mind to finally get to meet Shawn and to see with his own eyes that he was good enough for his mate. Good enough for Nialler. He had planned it for weeks now and he had been sure he had looked at it from every possible angle and known his plan would come to fruit. Him finally meeting Shawn was really overdue.

He had after all been the one, the first one to boot, to notice Niall’s attraction and infatuation with the Canadian boy. He had even known before they had themselves that there was something between them. So he was understandably rather put out about feeling like he was one of the last people that would get to meet the boyfriend.

He glared down at his phone, Louis had wanted to give Niall some space after the article about him and Nick had been published. Figuring he had a lot on his plate as it was, a lot of nosy people being demanding and a right pain in the arse. He had been one half of the Larry Stylinson conspiracy after all, he rolled his eyes and sighed those days were now mostly, thank god, behind him. Point was that he knew exactly what it was like hearing rumors left and right and having people around you telling you how and what to do about it. Something you definitely didn’t need was friends and family doing the same.

He had sent a few texts just after reading the article, he could be rather impulsive and curious at times. It was also because well the article had been rather convincing, even if he knew it couldn’t be true not with how he knew Niall felt about Shawn. Nick however, he could be having a one-sided crush on Niall. He knew about him helping Shawn to woo Niall and how that had been the real reason for him delivering Niall a flower but that didn’t mean he still couldn’t want what he couldn’t have. For some reason that thought was very disturbing to Louis.

Louis had left Niall alone after sending those texts messages. Wanting answers he had however been a little piece of shit to Nick demanding clarification for the statements made in the article. Nick had at first ignored him but when Louis didn’t give after and kept on tormenting him he had at last given in. Nick had laughed at him for minutes after Louis had inquired about the article and if there was any credibility to what had been written. He had then got on to wonder if he had really believed anything the article had assumed, when Louis hadn’t answered him right away Nick had just laughed harder.

He had after some more prompting finally taken pity of Louis and given him the answers to what he wanted to know. Also stating that the thought of him and Niall together was totally absurd, he admitted Niall was likable and a good mate, but the notion of them as a couple was not only unlikely but laughable.

Louis had first taken that a bit offensive on behalf of Niall because well why would anyone think dating Niall would be laughable his best friend was a great catch, thank you very much. Nick said they were just too different and while not saying Niall was boring he would just not challenge Nick enough. Nick was after someone fierce, someone that could give as good as he got. Simply Niall was just too nice for him.

The conversation had all in all been rather embarrassing and Louis had felt stupid for even questioning if Nick may feel something he shouldn’t. There was also the fact of how _fierce_ and _challenging_ was words that could easily be used to describe him. That was just mad though, Nick was definitely not harboring a crush on him. He shook his head and didn’t think more about that because it was just beyond ridiculous.

That had been days before, Niall had gotten a sufficient amount of time and Louis had thought it safe to try and contact him. It was just one tiny problem, Niall didn’t answer his phone. At first Louis had just shrugged it off and decided to just try again later on, that was yesterday. Sure Niall was probably busy with everything going on but he could damn well answer his phone or at the very least call him back when he noticed that he had several missed calls.

Now he had to come up with a plan b, because he wouldn’t let this opportunity pass him by. He was going to meet Shawn there really was nothing else to it. If it came down to it he may even go the traditional way and buy a ticket for the show online, if there even was any left as the show was tomorrow. No he better come up with something else, some way to get in contact with people on the inside.

Then it hit him, he didn’t need to talk to Niall he could go about it in a roundabout way and still get the same result. He smirked and instead of choosing Niall’s name in his contacts he pressed his thumb to the name directly under Niall’s, Nick Grimshaw. He smirked, harassing Nick was one of his favourite pastimes. Nick was friends with not only Niall but with Shawn as well, this had better work.

He decided against calling and instead sent a text and then held his breath waiting for a reply. He needed Nick to help him. When he got the reply only a minute or so later he thanked the heavens above that Nick was one of those people that always was on their phones. He knew he could count on him.

He clicked on the text and a smile spread over his lips. _Nick Grimshaw: Not even gonna ask Lou_

Then there was the number he was after and as usual a string of emojis that didn’t make much sense.

Louis hesitated for a second, maybe he should ask Nick if he wanted to tag along. It would be fun watching the show with someone and with Nick there it would feel more like a gathering of mates than him meeting Shawn for the first time and judging if he was good boyfriend material for Niall or not. He shook his head, stupid thought. If Nick would go it would make much more sense for him to do so in London after all and Louis was on a mission so it would be best not to bring in any distractions.

He stopped pacing and wasting the little time he had, he went and sat down before calling the number Nick had sent him. He held his breath hoping this time someone would bother to pick up the phone.

**SHIALL**

Shawn was so hyped up for the first Illuminate World Tour show in just a few hours. They had all arrived at the venue early that morning and Shawn was already high on the atmosphere. Niall and his band where on the stage at the moment having their last rehearsal getting all the small details just right for their first performance that night.

Shawn had wanted to do something special for the fans so he had teamed up with NME and he had a cameraman follow him around and filming small bits and pieces of the arena and the backstage areas. They had already done some interview segments and later they would film him just before taking the stage and doing some clips for a few seconds montage of some of his performances during the show. He liked getting to share his life with the people that would later connect with him while performing. It really was a special connection he felt with his fans.

They were now just outside the doors leading to the stage where Niall and his band were playing. He couldn’t help but stop and opening the door a fraction before turning to the cameraman and making a hushing sound. You could hear Niall from outside where they were standing, it was a little muffled but still clear enough that there was no question about who was singing. He was performing _Flicker_ at the moment and Shawn was unable to not close his eyes and just let the music wash over him. Niall always sang with so much emotion, his voice and passion filled Shawn as he just stood there immersed in the moment for a few seconds.

He knew that was what Niall wished to do with his music, being able to inspire emotions and create moments. Letting people just be in the moment and let the music he was creating take you to a different place and for you to let his words mean something to you. Making the experience memorable and personal, he wanted people to connect and feel through his music and not just listen and observe from afar. Shawn knew he would do just that. He was so inspired by his boyfriend and he had no doubts that when songs like _Flicker_ was shared with the world he would achieve everything he wanted and so much more.

He smiled and hoped his fans would feel excited hearing this little teaser of Niall’s emotional ballad. He couldn’t just stand there eavesdropping forever though, even with how much he wanted to. Shawn wasn’t just in love with Niall he was in love with everything he did as well, his music being no exception and he was sure if he stood there any longer he would crack and his love for everything Niall would be easily detectable to the camera.

To be sure not to let anything show he turned away from the cameraman, facing the door he couldn’t help but let out a breath and a mumble of “simply beautiful” slip out. He didn’t make any comment for the camera as he thought Niall and his music spoke for itself and whatever he could say would not make it justice.

Next, they made their way to the wall of plaques, the names adoring the wall were impressive. He was just about to talk some about it and mention some of the great artists that had played in the arena when his phone started ringing.

He looked apologetic towards the cameraman, excused himself and stepped a few feet away for some kind of privacy. When he looked down at the display it was an unfamiliar number though and he hesitated.

He didn’t give out his number to just anyone and it wasn’t many people that had it that wasn’t in his contacts already. He had been tracked down by fans before, some had even called both him and his family repeatedly harassing them, making him a bit wary with unknown numbers. On the other hand though It could just be someone that had dialed the wrong number or maybe it was someone that had gotten his number from his management and they had just forgotten to tell him there would be someone calling to discuss something regarding his career today.

After a few seconds of indecision, he made up his mind and swiped to answer the call. He didn’t even have time to say a greeting or inquire who was calling before the person on the other end started to talk “Shawn mate, thank fuck ya answered.” Shawn furrowed his eyebrows because he definitely knew that voice from somewhere. He tried to search his brain for a face to connect the voice to but couldn’t for the life of him come up with who he was talking to. The speaker was definitely British and had a northern accent which was familiar but other than that he couldn’t distinguish anything else.

“Uh sorry man… but do I know you?” he asked hoping he wasn’t making a fool out of himself. The person seemed to know him rather well with a greeting like that and it felt like he should know who he was talking to without having to ask.

The person on the other end sighed “obviously not good enough mate” he sounded displeased about that fact “ya should though as you’re dating me best mate” the man continued. Shawn blinked, of course that was why he had thought the voice so familiar. He had never actually met him but he had heard him on TV as well as radio countless off times. In a way it felt like he already knew him quite well with all the times Niall had talked about him.

He was taken a bit by surprise as he understood that he was talking to Louis Tomlinson, Niall’s best friend. Meeting Harry had gone better than he had ever expected but somehow meeting Louis felt a little bigger and more daunting. Harry was someone that loved without questions and accepted as a default, if you were kind he would he kind towards you, it really was as simple as that.

Shawn thought Louis would be harder to impress. He had been the oldest in their boy band and therefore he was like a protecting big brother. Someone that wanted to watch out for Niall and Shawn really wanted no _needed_ to make a good impression on him. He hadn’t been prepared for this conversation, he felt pressured to say something but had no idea what to say. It didn’t seem to deter Louis in the slightest though who just kept talking as Shawn stood there tongue tied.

“It’s a travesty yeah, that we haven’t met yet” Shawn nodded slightly unsure if Louis wanted a verbal confirmation or not. “That’s why I’m calling actually, I’d like to get to know ya a little bit better” Shawn swallowed.

He wanted that too, he did. Niall had met and become a part of his family already and it was time he met a few more of Niall’s friends and family as well. He was very nervous though and today was the start of his new world tour, the timing couldn’t be any worse.

“I’d love to really but my tour starts today Louis” to his surprise his words were met with laughter. “I know mate, I want to come to your show in Manchester tomorrow yeah… It’s on me way back home to Donny” Shawn blinked. He wanted to meet tomorrow at one of his shows. _Tomorrow_ , that was way too soon.

He felt himself almost break a sweat at how incredibly nervous he was becoming, one of Niall’s best friends wanted to meet with him for the first time tomorrow. That was more nerve wrecking than taking the stage for his first show on his new tour in a few hours. Doing a show in a big arena for thousands of people was nothing compared to meeting the best friend of your boyfriend. What if Louis didn’t approve of him?

He had been silent for too long again because Louis started talking “I tried getting hold of Niall but bloody impossible that was, so I thought I’d ask ya for a ticket instead yeah.” That made sense Niall having turned off his phone so he could focus on the show after everyone wanted to get a piece of his mind after the article had come out.

He told Louis as much who made a noise of empathy and then Shawn sighed. He couldn’t say no to Louis and besides he really did want to meet him even if he was also scared shitless. “Of course you’re welcome to the show, I’ll tell security to let you in” he smiled knowing Niall would be really happy having his friend there tomorrow. “You know Niall will be ecstatic to have you in the audience.”

Louis hummed on the other end “I can’t wait to watch him play yeah, he’s going to smash it” Shawn made a noise in agreement because he knew Niall was going to make the arena vibrate with excitement. “Let’s not tell him though, let’s surprise him.”

Shawn smiled, he loved that idea and he couldn’t wait to see when Niall noticed Louis and how his face would split up in a grin consuming his whole being. He also liked plotting and surprising Niall together with Louis. In a way that already made them seem like friends. Niall would be so surprised and so pleased if he and Louis got along well even before they officially met. It felt like Louis had already accepted him.

“Let’s do it man, can’t wait to meet you tomorrow.” He was surprised at how true that was and them doing something for Niall also took away a bit of his nerves. Louis wasn’t coming to the show just to judge him and determine if he was good enough for Niall. He was coming to the show to surprise one of his best friends and see him perform on one of his first solo gigs, that he would also meet Shawn was just a bonus occurrence. Not the main reason. Shawn didn’t know if that was the truth but it made him breathe a little easier if he convinced himself that meeting Louis wouldn’t be more than something happening as a coincidence because of something else.

He knew that everyone knowing about him and Niall also had no doubts about their love and devotion to each other. So really he didn’t have anything to worry about, Louis would see how much Shawn cared about Niall and he would be happy for them. Shawn may still have some doubts at times that he deserved Niall, but Niall was working hard on making him see and believe that they were just as deserving of each other. That Shawn deserved the same love himself that he felt for Niall.

He wouldn’t be able to hide his love for Niall around Louis and he wouldn’t need to and that was all Louis wanted to see as well so everything would be well. Niall had assured him several times that he was treating him more than right so Louis would think so too and together they would make Niall glow with happiness at having two of his favorite people with him at the same time. Shawn was the happiest when he could make Niall happy, If that wasn’t true love he didn’t know what was. When your partner’s happiness meant just as much if not more than your own.

“Same mate, see ya then and good luck at the show tonight” Shawn smiled as they said their goodbyes and ended the call. He shook his head smiling down at his phone in bewilderment. That had just happened and it went fine, more than fine even. He could really see himself and Louis becoming great friends. Doing things for Niall together, like planning birthday parties and such. Maybe even just hanging out having a laugh, sharing a pint or two and maybe play some pool or the like.

He could really see them sharing an easy and carefree friendship. He was so happy Niall had people in his life like the boys he had started out his career with. He copied the number Louis had called from and added him to his contacts. He pocketed his phone and walked back giving a sign to the cameraman that he was ready to start filming again.

He felt great, like he had just made a new friend and like he had crossed another obstacle he had been harboring fear about. He was now more excited than nervous about meeting Louis tomorrow and more than anything he was looking forward seeing the expression on Niall’s face when he was reunited with his friend again. He just knew it would make his boyfriend’s day and that was all Shawn cared about.

Shawn smiled and started to talk looking at the names on the wall. Today had been great even before Louis had called and with the phone call it was only looking better. He felt prepared for a hell of an exciting start to an amazing tour.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! (:
> 
> Sorry for no Shiall interaction but hey Louis is back. 
> 
> Niall missing Louis calling is cannon. Louis wanted to go to his Flicker Session show in Dublin but couldn't get a hold of him and Niall didn't call him back so he never went ):  
> The video Shawn did with NME in Glasgow (same video I took inspiration from earlier in regards to the tapestries) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zbyhDdxBKDg
> 
> Also you may notice I added a tag and Nick/Louis to the mix. I know I mentioned a while back this may happen and asked what you guys thought of the prospect and no one said anything either for or against it so I just let it happen. That said I don't know if it will ever become more than slight implication and maybe some pre-slash. Still thought you may want some heads up. 
> 
> Also some great news. I get two weeks vacation next Friday and I plan on trying to write as much as I can so you can expect closer updates soon (:
> 
> Hope you'll have a nice weekend, only love ❤


	42. Ping Pong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ping pong is played and Shawn comes out to yet another person.

**Chapter 42: Ping Pong**

It was about one hour until Shawn would have to leave to do the meet and greet as well a Q&A and then soundcheck. They had just had lunch and now they had some free time that they could spend doing whatever they wanted.

Niall knew what he wanted, he wanted to kidnap Shawn and find an empty supply closet or something and have his wicked way with him. He had almost forgotten how intense it was before the first show of a new tour. How much excess adrenaline that was built up throughout your body, how that adrenalin was pumping through your veins. The anticipation the first day of tour was always through the roof.

It was not only anticipation though, no you always felt a little nervous as well. This time it was even worse for him. He would play a few covers but also several originals that he’d never done before. Several songs no one had ever even heard. That was both thrilling and terrifying. Would people like his new music or would it just fall flat?

Shawn had told him over and over again that it would be received well, he loved every song Niall had played for him. Shawn was convinced that when he started playing it would become like a magical moment, that people would be able to just close their eyes and really feel the music. Niall really hoped that he was right. It was all that he had ever wanted.

That people would listen and really take in what he was singing. It was a bit different touring with songs no one had heard before, they wouldn’t be able to sing along for one. Therefore he would also sing a few covers. He and the boys had talked about what 1D songs they wanted to do when on separate tours and they all had a few favourites.

Niall had opted to sing _Fool’s Gold_ as he could imagine the atmosphere when he stood on the stage just him and his guitar. Leaving a chorus for the audience to carry while he just strummed his guitar accompanying them, it would be really beautiful.

Harry had talked about doing several covers, Niall chuckled, typical Harry not being able to just settle for one or two. Niall really looked forward to hearing Harry’s versions though of songs like _What Makes You Beautiful_ , _Stockholm Syndrome, Story of My Lif_ e and _If I Could Fly_. Louis and Liam hadn’t decided what they wanted to cover yet but had a few they were thinking about, they were both more than okay with Harry and Niall doing the songs they wanted to do though.

Niall had thought about doing _Drag Me Down_ as well but had decided not to, they hadn’t even had a tour for Made in the A.M. as a band therefor it felt a bit like they should save at least some of those songs for a future reunion tour. He would maybe cover it himself down the road but for now he would instead do a few covers by other artists he loved.

Niall smiled thinking about someone else covering _Drag Me Down_ , Shawn had sung the song and put the cover on YouTube back in 2015 when it had first been released. It was a great cover too, just Shawn with his guitar singing the song while sitting on a chair. Very authentic and simply beautiful, but then again everything Shawn did tended to be beautiful to Niall. A version similar to one Niall thought he would probably do himself. Maybe he and Shawn could even sing it together sometime.

It was a bit weird, singing their songs alone. And to be the first one of the boys to do it. He had thought for sure Harry would beat him to it but here he was about to go out there touring as a solo artist for the first time. Not doing a 1D song would be even weirder though, as if all those years didn’t mean anything. He was proud of their accomplishments and they had a whole repertoire of amazing songs, just because they as a band were on a hiatus it didn’t mean their music had to be.

Niall looked over to where Shawn was standing talking to one of the crew staff members about some last-minute detail or another. As much as he wished he could kidnap Shawn he knew that wouldn’t be a good idea, they had some time though and he would be damned if they didn’t get at least a few minutes to themselves, even if it wouldn’t be with their trousers down in a dark closet.

“Hey Shawn, ya want to do something? I’m going crazy just waiting” Niall asked when he saw that Shawn and the crew member had finished their conversation. Shawn looked over at him and stopped fiddling with one of his guitars setting it aside.

Niall felt a warmth in his belly, Niall just needed to open his mouth for Shawn to stop what he was doing, to put down anything he had in his hands and come running. He did the same for Shawn though, whatever he was in the middle of just felt unimportant compared to whatever his boyfriend was saying or doing. Maybe it was irrational but that was love for you.

Shawn smiled and clapped him on the shoulder. Right, they were pretending to be just mates around the crew, which sucked but it wasn’t anything Niall couldn’t live with and hopefully they would go somewhere private where they could at least relieve some steam. Or where he could just hold Shawn and they could just relax and be them, that sounded pretty nice too.

Shawn cocked his head down one of the hallways “I haven’t shown you the ping pong room yet, want to test it out” Niall nodded and they headed down the hall. They laughed teasing each other about who would beat the other. Niall was not a pro at table tennis but being in a boy band for years had taught him a few skills. He was sure he’d be able to beat Shawn.

They entered the room and found a racket each and a ball. Niall took one side of the table, the one facing the door and was bouncing the ball on his racket “what do the winner get, I mean there has to be a prize” Shawn seemed to think it over before nodding his head. “Yeah definitely, any ideas?” Niall smirked and raised an eyebrow.

Laying down the racket Niall let the ball bounce off the table and roll somewhere into the corner of the room as he made his way to Shawn’s side of the table. Shawn was biting his lip and Niall backed him up against the edge of the table. Shawn then sat on the table and Niall tapped his knees until he spread his legs so that he could stand between Shawn’s spread thighs.  

“What about” he said a bit huskily and wiggled his eyebrows for good measure making Shawn blush adorably. “What about if the loser has to deliver dessert after one of the shows” Shawn looked a little confused for a second before he understood the innuendo. The loser would have to pay the winner extra attention in one of their hotel rooms later.

Shawn swallowed and let out an “oh” which made Niall’s grin widen. “Ya like that idea love, I do too can’t wait to have ya worshiping me body” because Niall would win. But even if he didn’t win to lose wouldn’t be so bad either as that meant he would have Shawn’s body to do whatever he wanted with which was a prize all on its own.

“Yeah” Shawn breathed out and moaned as Niall took some liberties and threaded his fingers through Shawn’s hair and tilted back his head to be able to lick a stripe up his throat, nibbling a little on his way. He claimed Shawn’s mouth in a kiss that seemed to last for minutes. Niall poured everything into it, wanting Shawn to feel his anticipation for everything coming their way.

When Niall released Shawn his boyfriend gasped and his eyes were a little dazed but then he frowned and shook his head. “We can’t… I mean” he blushed even more and looked down at his lap which Niall’s eyes were also drawn to, Shawn was definitely hard. It was amazing how responsive he was to Niall’s touches.

Niall looked at the clock. “We can love, we have about half an hour until you have to be somewhere else” Shawn began to nod as if he was convinced but then he groaned. “No, we can’t” he stressed the word _can’t_ “I can’t show up at the meet and greet all...” he blushed and indicated his body with both of his hands.

Niall laughed, Shawn looked like he just fooled around. His hair was already in disarray and someway along the line he had also untucked Shawn’s shirt from his trousers. His lips also looked a little fuller and more pink and shiny than they had when they had first entered the room.

He cocked his head as if he was contemplating something “well I don’t think your fans would really mind, they would probably be over the moon if you showed up all debauched and sexy like this” he winked and Shawn’s blush intensified. Niall loved making Shawn blush.

He gave Shawn another small kiss and drew his hand through his hair to mess it up some more before backing away. They had a match to play after all and he looked forward to continuing what they had started later. He wanted to _play_ with Shawn for sure, on the other hand he didn’t really want to rush things and even if doing it on a ping pong table would be incredibly hot he wanted it to be romantic as well. Not just a quick shag.

Just as Shawn was about to jump down from the table the door was opened and in walked James TW. Niall had the urge to shield Shawn from his gaze but refrained. What if he was hard and his hair was a bit all over the place, it wasn’t too obvious that they had been making out a mere minute ago if you didn’t look for it. Shielding Shawn would be more counterproductive than helpful really.

Shawn looked between James that stood just inside the door to the room, Niall and lastly back to himself and his lap. When he looked up again after a few seconds he made eye contact with Niall and gave him a small smile. Niall smiled widely back because he could read Shawn easily and he could tell that Shawn wouldn’t hide their relationship in front of James, they could be open around him. Which was probably for the best anyway as they would be around each other for weeks on end and even if they didn’t tell him they were an item today he was bound to find out rather sooner than later.

“Hi guys… sorry but I didn’t like interrupt anything right?” James asked looking a little thrown about walking into the room and finding Shawn sat on the ping pong table looking a little disheveled.

Shawn did jump off the table then and walked over to James where he stood frozen just inside of the door. Shawn was smiling at him and gave him a bro hug which James was returning without any hesitation. “It’s so good to see you again man, you up for a little game of ping pong?” Shawn said excitedly and gestured to Niall and the table behind him.

James seemed surprised that no one was talking about the elephant in the room, it looked like he wasn’t going to ask though and instead he just shrugged the slightly awkward moment off and grinned. “So nice to see you again too Shawn” he said cheerfully before turning and nodding to Niall “hi there, I’m James. I’m so happy to finally meet you Niall” Niall just smiled and waved a little before returning the greeting.

Shawn had talked a little about James and he knew he was a really cool bloke. Niall was very excited about getting to know another one of Shawn’s friends and really hoped they would hit it off.

James was a singer songwriter with genuine and heartfelt music that told stories which Niall could really relate to. He knew James set would be a beautiful start to any concert evening. He really looked forward to getting to watch his set from backstage every night in the upcoming weeks. It was really cool that James had been the opening act to Shawn on his earlier tour as well and now he was back for the European leg on the Illuminate World Tour, it was like the audience got to follow both of their careers and really bond with both artists.

“You really want to play table tennis? We all know that you’re going to lose hard but I’m game” James said teasingly shaking his head and smirking at Shawn. Shawn got a determined look on his face and crossed his arms over his chest which was super adorable to Niall. Shawn was going for intimidating but just looked really cute. “Not this time James, me and Niall are the perfect couple and playing together we’ll definitely beat you” he sounded both confident and a little defiant as he said that.

Niall almost choked on his tongue he had known Shawn would come out to James but he hadn’t thought he would do so this boldly. He had been a bit of a nervous wreck every other time they had told someone but this time it was like it wasn’t even the most important thing of his sentence, like it was just a fact somewhere in there. He didn’t sound the least bit insecure and it made Niall’s heart beat faster as a wave of emotion and pride, he felt watching Shawn grow in front of his eyes, enveloped him.

James to his credit didn’t seem to even blink at the admission of them being a couple he just raised an eyebrow as to tell them to bring their A game. Niall wasn’t sure Shawn had really known what he was talking about, they were the perfect couple but that didn’t really mean they would suddenly both be skilled at table tennis. For a start they hadn’t ever even played together before.

They found James a racket and Niall retrieved the ball from the corner of the room. James stood on the other side of the table almost lazily and Niall suddenly got a flash of competitive energy running through his body, James was so sure he was going to win and Niall really wanted to show him otherwise and put him in his place. He cast James a mock glare and turned to Shawn, “we got this babe, lets show him what we’ve got” Shawn blushed but nodded and extended his hand for a fist bump, Niall grinned and complied. How good at this could James really be.

Turned out a hell of a lot better than Shawn and Niall, that was for sure. Turned out they were a perfect couple and very compatible and in synch in most things, table tennis was obvious not one of those things. Having one of them being right handed and the other left handed turned out to not be to their advantage. As they both had their hands holding a racket inwards on the table they more often than not tried to hit the same ball which ended up with none of them hitting it and instead just being in the way of each other. Really, they would probably do a better job not playing together.

James was almost crying with laughter at their failed attempts but somehow still managed to score point after point. Niall tried to be put out about it but he couldn’t as it was a lot of fun even as they were getting crushed.

He and Shawn were doing small couple things throughout the game as swatting the others arse or encouraging each other and using affectionate words as well as sending each other lovable glances from time to time. It was perfect, Niall was so content just letting any inhibitions fly out the window. Shawn didn’t seem to even think about it which was making Niall happier than he could even express. Seeing Shawn just bloom like this in front of someone else was more than he could have hoped for.

Niall focused back on the game they were playing as it was his time to serve. James was leading with a devastating 8-0 and it looked like he wasn’t even giving it his all. Which was frustrating to say the least.

He threw the ball upwards into the air and hit it on the way down bouncing it on the table and over the net, James was there without trouble and sent the ball back over to Shawn’s backhand side where he managed to hit the ball even if it had some spin.

To all of their amazement the ball didn’t go into the net, it touched the top of it though and rolled over on James side, unplayable. Shawn looked amazed and then turned in surprise towards Niall “did we, did we just score?” Niall laughed at how utterly surprised Shawn looked at the fact and put his hand up for a high five. “Yes! Ya did it love” Shawn bit his lip and smiled. Then he glanced over at James and back at Niall seeming to make a decision.

“Scoring us a point I think I deserve something more than a high five” Shawn said and looked pointedly at Niall’s lips. Niall was surprised by how forward Shawn was being but he couldn’t be more delighted. He nodded fast before Shawn had time to change his mind. He roped his arm around Shawn’s waist and dragged him against his body before giving him a big smooch, right there in front of James who didn’t seem bothered in the least.

The game finished not long after that even if Niall did manage to score one more point for team Shiall which to his satisfaction earned him a kiss of his own. Losing with 11-2 was still a little embarrassing, even if James was a sport about it and didn’t tease them all that much, he just gave them a small dig about maybe needing a little bit of practice.

Niall didn’t like to lose. He wasn’t a sore loser like for example Louis who could sulk for days, but he wasn’t like Harry either that could shrug it off and just smile and congratulate the winner like it didn’t bother him in the least. He chuckled thinking about what Harry would probably say “it’s not about winning or losing, it’s about having fun” which was true, mostly.

This time though he realized losing was not such a bad thing. He and Shawn had both lost together which meant that they would just both have to worship the other later. It was a lose-win situation. He smiled, they would both have to give the other a consolation prize. Niall looked forward to both giving and receiving it at the end of one of these days. Really it was the best of both worlds.

“Man, that was brilliant. I have to get going but see you guys backstage later?” Shawn said with a happy and content smile adoring his face. Niall ruffled his hair a little and brought up a towel to gently wipe Shawn’s face, which was a little sweaty. Deliciously so, Niall loved every one of Shawn’s scents and he looked forward to smelling him after a full concert. He shook his head to clear his mind and to not get ahead of himself, after pecking Shawn on the lips Niall turned him around and pushed him towards the door.

“All ready for the fans love, see ya” and just for good measure he swatted Shawn on his butt before he got out of his reach. Shawn laughed and shook his head as he left the room and the door closer behind him with a click leaving him and James there alone.

“Mate it’s so nice to finally meet you, actually I’ve been meaning to ask you something” James said with a genuine and open expression. Niall was curious and nodded his head towards a couch that was situated against one of the walls of the room.

They went over and sat down and Niall wondered what this could be about. Maybe James could tell Shawn had needed him to not react to their relationship but now when he had left he would start asking Niall questions. He would be happy to answer them really but it was still a little disappointing that people felt the need to ask and could not just be happy for them.

James twisted his hands a little as if he was a little nervous before saying “I really love your music mate and it’s a big inspiration” Niall nodded and smiled encouragingly at the younger man. It was always amazing hearing how his music inspired others. “I’d planned it before even knowing you would be going on tour with us” Niall could tell James was stalling so he tried to be a supportive listener but at the same time help him along to get to the point.

“I’m so happy ya like me music. I’m sure that whatever you’re going to ask will be fine with me” James swallowed and looked up before nodding. “I have this song called _Different_ and I would love to do a mashup of it with your song _This Town,_ if that would be okay with you?”

Niall couldn’t stop smiling. He had heard _Different_ and it was a beautiful song about staying true to yourself and embrace your eccentricities. To not change just to please others or to fit in. He was so honored that someone like James had thought of his song when wanting to do a mashup. He could tell that he and James would get along great and that they would have many afternoons like this one talking music and playing around while Shawn was off doing other things.

It seemed that he had been lost in his thoughts a little too long before giving James an answer however because the other lad started to backtrack. “I know you will sing it yourself, so I understand if you don’t want me to do it…” Niall shook his head and James trailed off. “I love the idea mate, I’m flattered, I love _Different_ it’s such a beautiful song. If you like we could even perform the mashup together at a show or something” James blinked and then a smile spread across his face.

“Really, I mean thank you” Niall nodded and they started to talk about how James had planned to do the performance of the mashup. Niall really looked forward to hearing their songs sung together. This tour only looked better and better.

They sat and talked for almost an hour, just when they stood up and was about to leave the room did James put a hand on his shoulder. “I’m happy you and Shawn have found each other, I’ve never seen Shawn this happy before” Niall couldn’t help but feel emotion swell in his chest. It was the first thing James had said about them being together and it was exactly the right thing to say. Niall nodded and said through the emotional lump in his throat “he makes me just as happy ya know” and that was an understatement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all you beautiful people ❤
> 
> Feels like I've been introducing a lot of new characters lately, hope you like the addition of James? He seems like a great friend and his music is awesome. 
> 
> Some links:  
> Different is a really beautiful song with a great message and if you haven't heard the mashup of it with This Town you can do so here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vo7hXV8t2PA  
> Shawn did really cover Drag Me Down in 2015, it's a great version. You can check it out here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BGCh_aQCzhY
> 
> Hope you've had an amazing weekend, love always ❤❤❤


	43. Friendly Concerns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis surprises Niall after the Manchester show. Louis and Niall have a heart to heart.

**Chapter 43: Friendly Concerns**

The show that night had been amazing, almost even better than the night before. He still felt the rush from the audience cheers rushing in his veins. This was why he loved performing so much, seeing his songs come to life in a whole new way. Letting the visions and concepts that he had had for months finally become reality. It was incredible. Manchester had been incredible.

Shawn was wiping his face with a towel, his smile was wide and his cheeks flushed. A few curls of hair were plastered to his forehead, this was pure bliss. The only thing that could make the experience better was to share it with the one person he wanted to share the rest of his life with. He looked around for Niall and found him standing at the corner of the room chatting cheerfully with James.

Niall had really brought it out of the park earlier that night. Shawn got a surge of pride and happiness just thinking about the audience reaction when James had ended his set with telling the audience to stay tuned for Niall who would be up next. They had gone almost as enthusiastic and on the verge of hysterical for Niall as they had done for him when it was his turn to play. Shawn could only imagine what would happen if they actually performed together at a show.

He started making his way over to where James and Niall were stranding but was stopped on the way by people wanting to clap him on the shoulder and congratulate him on a successful show. Everyone was happy and on cloud nine at the moment.

He wished he could just go up to Niall and hug him without feeling every pair of eyes in the room staring at them and judging them. He and Niall had been so exhausted after the show the night before that they hadn’t had the energy to talk about what had happened in the ping pong room. All the anxiousness and nervousness before the first show had left them both tired to the bone when the show had been over.

When curling up in bed they had both been asleep within minutes. It had been more than enough to be able to just sleep in the same bed together though. Just having Niall there right next to him. It had been so nice and had made them very content, so much so that they had even overslept that morning. Meaning they hadn’t had time to talk yet today either.

Shawn really hoped that Niall didn’t expect a big change around people from now on. He had taken a leap of faith and thrown caution to the wind with James but that didn’t mean that he was ready to do so with other people or that anything would change when they were around the crew. It had been both liberating and freeing to just be able to be himself and to casually just say _fuck it_ and letting James just know about them without even telling him and coming out as such. Really it had been amazing. He wished he was strong enough to do it again and again and just live like he wanted to everyday, the truth was that he wasn’t that strong.

He had been cornered with James, caught in a compromising position which he could maybe have explained away but he wouldn’t really be able to erase any questions. Denying it wouldn’t have helped the situation and Niall would just have been disappointed and closed in on himself while Shawn was weaving a thicker layer of white lies, half-truths and deception.

The most rewarding thing with just letting go, in addition to feeling free and unburdened, had been seeing how Niall had Illuminated with pride and pure happiness witnessing him taking that step instead of running from the truth and hide. He wanted to be able to make Niall feel like that all the time but he wasn’t yet ready to take more steps like that and leave all the fears and his woven safety net, of the darkness of their closet, behind.

James was a friend and even if he could have reacted badly it was unlikely, he was only one person, one person he knew and trusted. Doing anything that could expose them in front of the whole crew would meaning exposing their secret in front of people he didn’t know, people that may be a danger to his carefully crafted made up reality. Someone that could easily sneak out a phone and take photos of them and sell to the papers. He just didn’t know and taking a chance like that was not something he thought he would ever be ready for.

Which meant they would have to pretend in front of the crew until they themselves had come out publicly. It just wasn’t possible any other way. He would safeguard their secret and minimize the risk of being outed as long as he could.

He just wished Niall knew and understood that. He wished Niall hadn’t gotten his hopes up because of Shawn’s free spirited and bold move with James. The last thing he had wanted to do was make Niall start to hope just to crush those hopes with a punch of harsh reality. As great as it had felt being true to himself in front of James and letting the fears dissipate, if just for a little while, it wasn’t something he could keep on doing.

He was almost at his boyfriend’s side when one of the doors leading to the arena was opened and in walked Louis Tomlinson. He had a big smile on his face, a smile that was on the verge of becoming a smirk. He was wearing Adidas shoes and a hoodie that was just a little too big. He looked exactly as Shawn had pictures the other man.

Niall had heard someone entering the room and both him and James had turned towards Louis. Shawn’s earlier thoughts were like blown away and he bit his lip trying to hold in his laughter. He had never seen Niall flabbergasted before but at the moment he was the exact image of a fish. His mouth was hanging open and he was blinking as if making sure that he wasn’t hallucinating. He was suddenly very happy that they had kept Louis coming to the show a secret from Niall.

Louis glanced briefly at Niall and then turned to Shawn instead and winked at him before making his way over. Shawn swallowed suddenly feeling nervous all over again, they had talked and even conspired together but that still didn’t make it certain that Louis would like him in person.

“Hey Shawn mate, nice show and thanks for hooking me up with the ticket yeah” Louis said happily slinging one of his arms over Shawn’s shoulders. Shawn was a bit overwhelmed by the very familiar and friendly greeting Louis had given him. He nodded his head and tried to come of as comfortable and at ease, he understood that Louis was trying to convey that they were already friends to throw Niall off even more. “For sure, thank you for coming man. Glad you liked the show.”

He glanced at Niall who was still standing there staring at them. This time Shawn couldn’t help but let out a chuckle under his breath. Louis asked him a question about the concert and Shawn answered, this time really feeling content and at ease. The ice was already broken and it was easy to just follow Louis’ lead in casual conversation.

Niall made a noise seeming to break out of his trance and stuttered “Louis… how, I mean what?” Louis winked once more at Shawn before turning to Niall. “Ni, I did try to contact ya, you know. It’s way overdue for me to meet your…” here he frowned but after shaking his head slightly he continued “friend here and as you never introduced us I had to take the matter in me own hands yeah” Niall just looked even more confused. It was endearing.

He cooked his head trying to figure out what had been done behind his back “ya are already friends?” Louis nodded beside him. “You didn’t answer so I had to contact… our boy here to get a ticket, he’s a great mate like that yeah, maybe I will steal him from ya.” He said with a raised eyebrow and a grin to which Shawn couldn’t help but colour in response to. Louis was really making it out as if they were already best friends, it was nice even if a bit surprising.

He also looked around and saw that almost all of the crew had moved out of the room and no one was close to them as they stood in the corner of the room. Louis seemed to have some problems with not letting it slip that Shawn was really Niall’s boyfriend. He had hesitated before calling him a friend and then it had been obvious he had been about to say “ _your_ boy” but had corrected himself and said “ _our_ boy” instead.

Shawn was happy and relived that Louis had already accepted them as a couple but that he seemed to struggle with keeping it a secret was slightly alarming. It was okay though as no one was paying them much attention and Louis hadn’t said anything as it was, even if to Shawn it was clear he had been about to.

Niall just shook his head but now he was also smiling. “Get over here Tommo and give me a hug, ya devious little shit” Louis just laughed a bit more but released Shawn and made his way over to Niall after he bumped his shoulder with Shawn’s.  

The two men embraced and Shawn couldn’t have looked away even if he had wanted to, they didn’t just hug briefly and clap each other on the back. It was so much more than that. If Shawn hadn’t mistaken he had also heard Louis saying fondly “missed you, ya lovable fucker”. Shawn thought it was maybe a bit strange but that was probably just how Niall and Louis’ friendship worked. Niall had told him he and the other 1D boys was brothers for life and he could really see that in the hug the guys were sharing. Not for the first time he felt gratitude that Niall had people like the boys in his life.

After they ended the hug the four of them started talking. He remembered that no one had introduced James and Louis to each other and his cheeks reddened. He didn’t have to before they were already shaking hands though and to Shawn’s pleasure they seemed to get along well. They were just four guys having a nice time together.

Shawn felt an itch, he wanted to reach for Niall and just stand behind him with his arms around his middle, maybe laying his chin on Niall’s shoulder and kiss his temple or nuzzle the side of his throat. It was almost as if Niall could tell what he was thinking because he gave him a small smile and took a step closer. Shawn couldn’t do what he wanted though so he just shook his head a little and gave him an apologetic look. Niall’s smile turned sad but his eyes was understanding so Shawn released a small breath. 

Most of the backstage crew had left but there were still some people milling around and even if they couldn’t hear them from the other side of the room, such a display would be as clear as if they had screamed it from the rooftops. It was out of the question.

Before the conversation continued he caught Louis looking between them both with a slight frown marring his face. It was gone as fast as it had appeared though and Shawn just shook the uneasy feeling off and turned back to the conversation at hand. He had probably just imagined the concerned and disapproving look on the other man’s face.

**SHIALL**

Niall almost couldn’t believe that it was true, Louis had really come and watched the concert that night and joined them backstage afterwards. It was the best surprise anyone could have sprung on him. He was also a little impressed that Shawn had managed to not tell him anything.

That he and Louis had made plans together made him so happy. He knew how much Louis had wanted to meet Shawn since the very first day he had seen them texting. Seeing them being so friendly gave him the impression that Louis was liking what he was seeing and that he was all for their relationship and approved of Shawn for Niall. It meant a lot.

Shawn had some post-concert stuff to deal with and James had excused himself so that Niall and Louis would be able to catch up with each other. They really didn’t see each other all that often anymore and Niall was so happy that they could have some time to themselves just hanging out and sharing thoughts and feelings. Talking to Louis often put things in clarity.

Niall guided Louis down one of the halls of the arena to his and Shawn’s joined dressing room where they would be able to talk uninterrupted for some time.

Niall couldn’t stop smiling as he looked Louis over and they sat down on the couch just relaxing in each other’s company. “It’s really good to see ya again Lou, what are you doing here though I mean last I heard ya where still in L.A.” Louis grinned at him and made a small noise as if reprimanding Niall for underestimating him.

“On me way home to Donny yeah, to record the music video with Bebe for _Back to You._ Went home a day early though to catch you and your boy, had to meet him yeah. Obviously I’d planned it for weeks” here he gave Niall a smirk and Niall just laughed. Typical Louis, really he should have expected something like this.

Knowing Louis wanted to meet Shawn so badly and that he cared for Niall and his happiness as well as well being that much made him feel a warmth spread through his chest. Louis was a really great friend to have in your corner.

Louis clapped him on the shoulder before smiling wide “couldn’t miss one of me best friends performing on his own for one of the first times either, now could I” Niall blushed a little.

He had sent a few of his demos to Louis to get some feedback as he wanted some confirmation that he was on the right track with his solo music. Louis had given him the thumbs up most of the time but he had also given constructive feedback when he had thought it hadn’t been exactly right or that it missed something that would be able to bring it to the next level. He could always trust Louis to say what he thought without holding back, it was something Niall really appreciated. 

Louis seemed very excited as he continued almost gushing “ya really killed it tonight mate. It was sick!” He sounded so full of happiness for him and it almost felt like he was receiving praise from a proud father. It was infectious, Niall could feel the excitement bubble up inside of him as well.

Playing his own shows with the music he had always envisioned he would share with the world, it was beyond his wildest imagination. And the response he had gotten from people, it was more than he could have ever dreamed of. His music not being mainstream but instead pop but with a folky feel to it and with even some country flare he had been a little concerned people wouldn’t give it a chance. As it was different to what he had done before with the band, the fans hadn’t just given it a chance though they had embraced it. It was him on a record and people got that and appreciated it, and he couldn’t ask for anything more than that.

He looked at Louis “I’m sure you’ll soon have the same success someday soon mate when ya release an album and go on your own tour.” To Niall’s surprise instead of just grinning and agreeing with him Louis looked down at his lap and shrugged as if he wanted to believe Niall but couldn’t.

Sometimes Niall forgot how sensitive and vulnerable Louis could be especially when it came to his own accomplishments and how great he really was. He had this cocky and sure of himself exterior even coming of as arrogant at times but it was all just a barrier, an armor he used to protecting himself with. Underneath was a human needing reassurance and compassion maybe even more than most people.

The playful, joking and larger than life Louis most people saw was just a piece of the Louis that Niall was one of the few people honored to know. Every time he got to see a glimpse of the real Louis, the stripped down and unprotected human being, the Louis beneath all those layers and without the armor, Niall felt very privileged to be let in. 

Louis looked up and smiled a sad smile “me nah I’m the forgettable one” it was said as if it wasn’t a big deal but Niall could see the sincerity in Louis expression, he really believed that. “You’re the most lovely guy in the world Niall, and you’re fearless. Zayn, he has this fantastic voice that he just owns. Harry well he’s just very cool and Liam he get’s the crowd going and does a bit of dancing. They both also have good stage presence.”

Niall hold his breath he couldn’t argue with any of that, they all had their own roles when in the band. They had the things they brought to the table, but Louis had left out one important factor. One Direction would never have been the same without Louis in the mix. “And then there’s me” Louis finished, and Niall felt this burning lump of emotion gather in his throat and make its way upwards. He felt like crying, Louis really thought so little of himself. He was so much more than just a presence that didn’t have much to contribute with.

Niall knew he would have to say something but first he needed to hug Louis and give him physical reassurance. Louis had been so honest with him and it was both brave and very refreshing. They hugged for a few seconds before Niall let go of him and looked into Louis eyes as he shook his head.

“You’re the opposite of forgettable Lou. You’re an unbelievable guy, a great singer and someone that kept us together, we would have lost the plot along the way without you. You were and still is a very vital member of One Direction and we and the fans adore you” Louis looked like he wasn’t sure what to believe but Niall knew his genuine emotion and belief in Louis was shining through his eyes.

After a few seconds Louis drew in a deep breath and nodded “thank ya mate, you’re lovely Niall and you melts me heart” Niall would have teased him in any other situation but you could see that his words were what he was feeling. That he was sincere and not trying to make a joke of it.

Niall smiled and said a little lighter “I was just telling the truth mate” to which Louis just smiled and nodded. Louis had come a long way from the very shy and quiet boy that he had been when One Direction was first formed. Now almost seven years later he was a lot more confident but he still had a long way to go in his mind to get where everyone else knew him to already be.

Louis sighed and smiled before looking at Niall with the same glint in his eyes as before they had had the heart to heart. “It’s really nice to see ya again mate just wish we could spend more time together, wish ya could come visit me family as they would have been so happy to see uncle Niall.”

Niall smiled, he missed Louis’ small horde of siblings. When they were a band they all met each other’s families from time to time and it felt like you had become a part of five families through the years.

“That would have been great Louis, but I’m leaving for Germany tomorrow afternoon” Louis just waved his hand dismissively and laughed. “Too busy for old me yeah, traveling and seeing Europe with your boyfriend” it was said fondly and Niall could tell that Louis was really happy for him, happy that he got to tour with Shawn.

Niall tried to give Louis the vibrant smile he surely expected but it felt flat. He was happy he was touring with Shawn, but Louis had been wrong. He wouldn’t be able to travel and see Europe with his boyfriend at least not the way he wanted to.

He wished he could do all the romantic things couples envisioned when traveling Europe. They would be busy touring but they had days off, days they could have spent together really living and exploring together. Just relaxing and having a great time. He wished that they would be able to dance in the moonlight under the Eiffel tower in Paris or run hand in hand through the beautiful streets of Amsterdam. He just wished they would be able to be together, really together.

Louis looked at him concerned with furrowed eyebrows “Niall, aren’t ya happy?” it was said not accusingly but also with no room for anything else than a straight forward and honest answer, Louis was serious.

Niall swallowed before answering with a weak smile that probably wasn’t that convincing “I am, I really am happy Lou” Shawn made him happy there was no doubt about that. Louis cocked his head and said almost tentatively “you’re happy with Shawn, he makes you happy yeah but ya wish you were out?” Niall nodded a little taken aback. How had Louis known that from just an hour of seeing them together.

He must have voiced that question out loud because Louis laughed, it wasn’t a belly laugh from happiness but more one out of fondness and exasperation. “I saw how ya got hurt earlier when Shawn wanted you guys to keep your distance around the crew. I know ya mate and I can see how this is eating at you yeah.” Louis eyes were understanding and had a sad quality to them.

Niall wanted to protest. Did he wish it was different, yes he did, but he also knew that it was only temporary. They would come out, they had even started planning for it. They had a place together for heaven’s sake. Niall could keep doing this for a little while longer, Shawn was worth the wait. He really was.

It was only so hard to hold back from expressing his feelings for Shawn because his love for him was so strong. If it wouldn’t be this hard, their love wouldn’t be all consuming and he wouldn’t feel like their love was worth fighting the universe over if necessary. It was a good thing that it was hard as it proved that the love he felt was real and not dwindling in the least.

Louis seemed to be able to tell where Niall’s thoughts had went and he nodded solemnly “I like Shawn, I really do and I support your relationship wholeheartedly” Louis started and Niall swallowed, he could tell he wouldn’t like what was coming next.

“I can tell that you really love each other but that’s also what concerns me.” Niall frowned, why would loving each other be a source of concern. There wasn’t something called, loving someone too much. Too much love wasn’t a thing.

Before he could say anything of the sort Louis continued as if he needed to say what was on his heart. “You love Shawn so much that ya would do _anything_ for him. Even sacrifices your own needs and happiness, putting him before yourself at all times” Niall shook his head. He loved Shawn but he didn’t do that, did he.

“Love is selfless but sometimes ya have to let yourself be selfish too. You can’t just take care of Shawn, ya have to take care of yourself as well.” Niall’s first response was to put up a fight and resent was Louis was saying. Denying any truth to his words, but he couldn’t.

He would do anything for Shawn. He wanted to, he cared too much to try to do things any other way. He knew Shawn felt the same way. They were in this together and Niall was fine waiting on Shawn. It did hurt but he was powering through the pain of not having everything he wanted right now. He had Shawn when it really mattered and that was more than enough, it had to be.

“You may be fine right now, but if it ever gets too much being closeted please promise me that you will tell Shawn how ya feel?” Louis said the most serious Niall had seen the other lad in a long time.

He knew Louis had wanted to meet Shawn to see if he was right for Niall and give his approval for their relationship. Niall hadn’t thought he would see right through them, right through him, not like this. Louis was really looking out for him and it both made Niall fell really lucky but also a little uneasy and like Louis had invaded his privacy. He knew what Louis was saying was out of concern and love for him but it was hitting a little too close to home.

Louis looked him in the eyes when Niall didn’t answer “Niall promise me yeah, Shawn would want ya to.” Niall swallowed but he couldn’t ignore that what Louis was saying was the truth.

If Niall ever got miserable and closed off from hiding them, Shawn would want to know how he was feeling. If Shawn was miserable and he could do anything about it he would want to know after all. Communication was key and hiding how you were feeling would never be a good idea.

“I promise Lou, I promise” Louis nodded and smiled with a mixture of sadness and accomplishment. Louis was a really great friend.

Niall sighed and smiled back. It was just that now when Louis had made him promise if he ever felt like being in the closet was suffocating them, suffocating _him_ he would really have to tell Shawn about it. Not that it would. He really did believe that he would be fine waiting a little while longer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi lovely people ❤
> 
> If you need some fluff after the angst in this chapter I posted a one shot for this series a few days ago called Uncle Shawnie (:  
> If you didn't notice that feel free to check it out: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15495798
> 
> The canon part in this chapter is from Louis and Niall's conversation. Louis saying he was somewhat forgettable was from a magazine interview. I tried making Niall's response canon as well as he was asked about it in an radio interview. Niall's radio interview was then played to Louis by Nick to which Louis did say the part about how Niall melts his heart ❤  
> If you want to read/watch what I'm talking about here's some links.  
> The article can be read here: https://www.theguardian.com/global/2017/jun/25/louis-tomlinson-one-direction-solo-album  
> The radio interview with Niall's response (the part about Louis is around 5:25): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O-V3WC0_bHg  
> Nick playing a small bit of Niall's interview for Louis: https://twitter.com/lxrryxmofo/status/888336766670966784
> 
> I'm going to Stockholm pride tomorrow (should probably already be asleep, but I really wanted to finish and post this chapter for you guys), hope all you beautiful people will have an as rainbow coloured and love filled weekend as I will (:
> 
> Choose love always ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤


	44. Consolation Prize

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shawn and Niall spend the night after the second show together, alone.

**Chapter 44: Consolation Prize**

It had been an amazing day, Niall still couldn't really wrap his head around that Louis and Shawn had conspired behind his back just like that. He was very happy that they had done it though. Seeing Louis had been both fun and refreshing as well as a needed surprise.

Sharing his thoughts, feelings and fears with someone was never easy but he knew deep down that it was necessary to be able to move forward and to cope with life challenges. Louis’ concerns were warranted although Niall wasn’t at all that worried, he _wanted_ to wait for Shawn and to really be there for him. And really a few more months with feeling less than truly happy was something he could live through, for Shawn. People said that what didn’t kill you made you stronger, if that was true it meant as long as he and Shawn stayed together through these trying months they would come out even closer to each other and more secure in one another in the end.

Niall was thankful that he hadn’t known about Louis lurking around in the audience. As having friends and family attend one of his shows always made him extra nervous. Niall always wanted to make it something extra special for them and the hours before performing was always hard with how he couldn’t stop doubting and second guess himself.

From how enthusiastic Louis had been after the show he seemed to have really enjoyed it, if his words of encouragement were anything to go by Niall was on the right track. Having one of the lads see him perform solo and approve of his new music, approve of where Niall was heading career wise, made him feel validated and secure in his direction. Louis was one of those people that if he thought something was crap he would not hesitate to tell you so, which was something Niall appreciated. Honest to a fault Louis was.

After the show yesterday Niall had been exhausted, tonight was a whole other matter. Talking to Louis had made him feel lighter than he had felt in a while, opening up and letting his feelings pour out and actually acknowledge and talk about how he was feeling had been freeing. It had taken off a burden Niall hadn’t even been aware had been weighing down on his shoulders.

They would be staying at a hotel tonight and would have the morning off the next day before they would be due to leave for Germany. Feeling empowered and still high with endorphins running through his system after the concert, Niall was determined to make the most of the alone time he and Shawn would have together. Maybe they would even be able to collect their consolation prizes from their loss at ping pong against James the other day.

Niall licked his lips unconsciously as he watched the numbers go up on the display in front of him on the wall of the elevator. It pinged and a robotic voice announced that he had reached the fifth floor. The doors opened and Niall stepped out, he double checked the suite number before making his way down the hall.

He really hoped that Shawn would be up to having some fun. Niall had some things he wanted to try with Shawn that he thought the other bloke would be into. Niall shook his head thinking how they still hadn’t talked about any of it, things they preferred in bed or things they thought they may not like all that much. Did Shawn have any boundaries that Niall was unaware of, if so what were they? They really needed to talk about stuff and Niall knew that Shawn would never be the one to bring it up so it was up to him to get them to breach the subject.

That was a conversation for another day though Niall decided as he reached the door to their room. He swiped the card and kicked open the door, after putting the card in the holder beside the door to turn on the electricity he looked around the room.

The room was nice enough, even if it didn’t have a lot of personality. A somewhat abstract painting was hanging on one of the walls, it was the only thing colourful decorating the room. Niall didn’t really care about the interior design though as he focused in on the room’s most important feature, the bed. In the middle of the room stood a very comfortable looking king-sized bed, it was perfect.

For a brief moment Niall wondered if they maybe shouldn’t fool around that night. He wanted to be able to make it really special, maybe have a date night before the main event. He concluded that it didn’t really matter how romantic everything surrounding them would be, it would be special and memorable either way. Just doing something new and intimate with Shawn would always be special to Niall no matter what. He hoped Shawn felt the same way.

Shawn would probably arrive at the hotel any minute now and even if Niall couldn’t spread rose petals all over the room or light a million candles he could still do _something_ to create a bit of an atmosphere.

He brought out his phone and took up a playlist created recently, exactly for this kind of moment. The playlist consisted mostly of soft and emotionally charged tunes, there was a lot of R&B on there. What with Shawn liking artist like Drake and Frank Ocean. As well as some indie music from up and coming artists Shawn had mentioned. Niall had included some classic rock as well though to make sure his taste in music was also represented. Nick had helped him putting it all together. They had not only used songs that they knew Shawn liked but also songs that made Niall think of his boyfriend and the love they shared. Niall hoped Shawn would appreciate it.

He put the playlist on shuffle and smiled when the first song started. This song was both one that Shawn liked and a song that made Niall think of them. _Wouldn’t Mean A Thing_ by Bruno Major, it was mellow and expressed how even if you could have or experience anything you imagined it still wouldn’t mean a thing without that special person there with you. That was exactly how Niall felt about Shawn, he could do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted but as long as he couldn’t do it with Shawn by his side it didn’t mean anything. Shawn was his everything.

Niall thought about ordering them a chilled bottle of champagne but shook his head at the idea after thinking it through, champagne wasn’t really them. Too posh and it would make the pressure rise. If he brought up a bottle of champagne it would change the whole atmosphere from something chill and cozy to something more challenging.  That was something Niall didn’t wish for.

He could however order up something that could add to the chill and cozy atmosphere he was trying to create. He decided to order two Guinness, only the best beer for his man, and some chips. Not only would it add to the atmosphere he was after but having a beer would also make them more relaxed.

It was only about ten minutes later when there was someone at the door. Niall stopped fidgeting with the bottom that regulated the light and went to open the door. He reasoned that Shawn liked doing it with the lights on anyway so maybe not getting the perfect dimmed light through the room wouldn’t be a bother.

He wasn’t met by someone from the hotel staff as Niall had expected instead Shawn was standing a little sheepishly on the other side of the door holding the two beers and chips Niall had ordered for them.

“Eh hi, Í met this guy in the hallway” Shawn said shrugging and giving Niall a small smile. Niall smiled back and beckoned Shawn to come in before he kicked the door shut behind him.

The beers were set down on the dresser, some of the chips may have ended up on the floor in their haste but Niall didn’t really care. He wanted to show Shawn how ecstatic he was to finally be able to not only spend time around him but _really_ be with him. To finally be able to be close and to be able to express his feelings which he had had to suppress throughout the day.

Shawn let out a surprised moan followed by a little laugh as Niall drew his body flush against his own. The laugh died down fast however as their still pent up energy focused and burst into excitement and arousal for each other.

Niall tucked a little at Shawn’s shirt effectively dragging with him towards the bed in the middle of the room. Shawn’s cheeks already had a red hue over them which Niall was addicted to. Shawn let out a bubbly laugh as he stumbled after Niall onto the bed “so eager” he exclaimed to which Niall let out a little possessive groan.

He smirked at Shawn before letting him know exactly why he was so eager “wanted to be close to ya all day, now I can finally touch ya however I want.” Niall could feel how Shawn shivered all over at the implication Niall made, that Niall would do whatever he wanted with Shawn’s body. He wouldn’t never do anything that Shawn didn’t consent to though.

Shawn let Niall manhandle him down on the soft mattress, the bed was as comfortable as it looked. Niall straddled his hips and looked down at his boyfriend almost ferally. As if he was a hunter that was staring down at his pray. Niall loved how Shawn so easily made him completely wild with lust and he could tell how Shawn loved it as well.

Niall reluctantly dragged his eyes away from Shawn’s flushed face to look around the room for ideas. His eyes scanned the space until they focused in on the bed frame just above Shawn’s head, it was perfect.

“Reach back with your arms and grab hold of the bed frame” he ordered and Shawn was fast to comply without even the slightest hint of hesitation. For a second Niall contemplated if he should bind Shawn’s hands to the frame, but it wouldn’t be necessary he decided as he was sure that Shawn wouldn’t let go before Niall told him to. That though was exhilarating.

There was also the fact that Niall didn’t know if actual bondage was something that Shawn would like or if it was something that he would be uncomfortable with. He didn’t want to risk anything getting awkward tonight so that was another reason for not going there.

Niall looked at Shawn who had a blessed and vulnerable expression on his face, he was enamored with how completely trusting and open Shawn was with him. How he just laid there for Niall to take. Having that kind of power was dizzying, it was a sort of power that could easily go to one’s head. It was such a privilege having another human being give themselves to him like this, having Shawn give himself over to him like it was nothing without any hesitation at all. Niall told himself never to take it for granted. It wasn’t nothing or easily given, Shawn trusted him with everything.

Niall snapped into action and grounded down lightly so their crotches only slightly brushed together which made Shawn’s breathing become elaborated. Niall loved teasing his young lover and to watch all the small effects his actions had on Shawn.

He was going to enjoy this and make every second and every touch count. This was happening and it was happening _now._

Niall started to unbutton Niall’s shirt leisurely, for every button he told Shawn a little more of what he planned to do to him throughout the night. “We lost, at ping pong, this is your, consolation prize, I’m gonna worship, your body, and you’re just gonna lay here, and take it.”

As he finished Niall parted Shawn’s shirt, even his chest was flushed and it was rising and falling rapidly with every breath he took. It was a beautiful sight to behold “I’m going to take me time showing me love for your body.” It was said as a statement more than anything else but Shawn still let out a breathy “yes please” which made any inhibitions Niall might have been holding on to fly out the window. Shawn’s words confirmed that Shawn really wanted this to happen just as much as Niall wanted it to.

Shawn really was his, all of him. His heart, his soul and his body. Knowing they had all evening, even all night if the wanted to, and having Shawn spread out under him as he was made it very hard for Niall to choose where to start. He just wanted to caress and lick every part of Shawn that he could until the end of time. Every inch of delicious skin.

As he started to lightly skim Shawn’s heated skin of his exposed chest and sides the adorable flush morphed, Shawn’s skin becoming ill red. Niall could tell the change was due to embarrassment and not because of arousal.

Niall stopped his hands movement caressing Shawn’s upper body and looked down at him expectantly with a slight frown. Shawn had nothing to be embarrassed about, he really hoped Shawn was not having second thoughts about this. If he had though he would be patient and wait for Shawn, wait for him to be ready and go all the way. Explore every aspect of gay sex, he would wait for Shawn for as long as he needed. There was a lot of other things they could explore in the meanwhile.

“Eh, I… um I mean we, shouldn’t we take a shower?” after he finished stuttering Shawn swallowed and his face became even more red if that was even possible. “I ugh, I showered before the concert and cleaned myself thoroughly… but I mean I’m not you know, eh fully prepared.” Niall smiled down at him brightly, Shawn was so endearing when he got all nervous and flustered like this.

Niall caressed one of Shawn’s cheeks and leaned down to kiss him behind the ear before licking at his earlobe lovingly. He said as seductively as he could “I’ll be _very_ happy to prepare ya love” which had the desired effect as Shawn had a full body shiver and bucked his hips up.

He knew how much fun it could be to shower with Shawn but tonight he had other plans and a bed was a million times comfier than any shower cubicle. They could have showered separately but Niall was not keen on letting Shawn out of his reach any time soon even if only for a few minutes.

In addition to that a sweaty Shawn was something to cherish, the sight of Shawn in this state was something out of the ordinary. His hair was plastered to his forehead and his skin was glistening. Niall had never before had a thing for people being sweaty but this was Shawn. Shawn made him want new things and desire new experiences. He licked his lips, he wanted to lick and smell the body under his _everywhere._ The sweat coating Shawn’s skin would just make his natural scent, his natural musk, even more intense.

Niall could feel how his own cheeks went a little rosy pink as he decided on what he would do to Shawn. He wanted to both taste and smell that musk as well as prepare Shawn’s body to be ready for the ultimate gay experience of making love. There was really only one way of combining both of those desires into one act.

Hoping that Shawn would be just as eager as him to go all the way with him that night he had prepared and put a bottle of lube and a condom on the nightstand.

Niall would have been up for barebacking, would have even preferred it really. He had no idea about Shawn though. Niall hadn’t had sex, if you didn’t count the shower sex with Shawn, for months now. It had been a few months even before he and Shawn had gotten together. Even if he may not have consciously known that he had liked Shawn back then he had still been smitten with him. Being with anyone else had never even crossed his mind in passing. He hoped it had been the same way for Shawn, but that wasn’t a given.

He had regular health checks at least twice a year which included tests for any STDs and he knew that he was clean. This was yet another thing he and Shawn would have to talk about, Niall added it to his mental list that was only growing longer and longer.

Shawn was lying there patiently waiting, he was gripping the headboard so tightly that it was turning his knuckles white. Shawn was waiting for him to do something or waiting on him to tell him what to do. It was hot beyond belief.

He took the pillow that Shawn wasn’t already using “lift your arse up for me love” Shawn did as he was told, the tent in his trousers becoming even more prominent in the process. Niall really wanted to give Shawn’s cock some love and attention but it would be counterproductive to what he wanted to try. If he was right the pleasure that Shawn would get to experience in the end would definitely be worth the wait. He also wanted to take his time and even if getting Shawn to orgasm was the goal the journey there was just as important.

He started to ease down Shawn’s trousers and underwear, when he had gotten them halfway down Shawn’s thighs he realized that they needed to change their positions for this to work. “Turn around with your legs spread and on your knees, keep holding onto the headboard.” As Shawn turned his body around his clothes slid further down his legs and Niall could only stare at the magnificent being in front of him. He helped Shawn device himself off the garments completely before he leaned back and treated himself to the eyeful of the masterpiece that was Shawn Mendes body. He was so dreamily delicious that Niall had a hard time believing he was actually real even as he was spread before him as a buffet.

As he was watching Shawn glistening back with rippling muscles and that arse he rapidly took of his own clothes. Even if he wanted to take his time and not stress he couldn’t hold back any longer, he couldn’t get to that body fast enough.

With his legs spread as they were there was a small gap between Shawn’s arse cheeks, following that gap with his gaze Niall found a pink rosebud staring back at him. Shawn looked right out edible as he presented himself and Niall was definitely going in for a taste. He hadn’t yet sucked Shawn off, although not for lack of trying, that time would come though. Niall wasn’t afraid to going in at the deep end of the pool before he had learned how to swim. Rimming, how hard could it really be?

Niall didn’t give him any warning before he kneeled on the mattress directly behind Shawn and lowered his face down between Shawn’s cheeks. He grabbed a hold of both cheeks a little roughly and spread Shawn’s crack open a bit wider to make room for his face. Niall stopped when his mouth was only an inch away from Shawn’s hole and drew in a deep breath. The essence of Shawn which assaulted him almost made Niall feel drunk, he definitely was a little dazed and lightheaded, the smell was so intoxicating.

He was a little nervous as this was something that he had never done before. More than that though Niall was tense because he was full of anticipation and excited energy for what he was about to do.

Shawn groaned when Niall’s fingers sank in deeper in the muscles of his arse cheeks. Niall smiled and blew a tiny gush of air over Shawn’s opening making it flutter. “I’ll take good care of ya baby” his words were met with only a sweet breathy little moan from Shawn.

Niall closed his eyes so that all his other senses would be heightened for this experience. He tentatively put his tongue to just above the underside of Shawn’s sack and dragged it on a journey over the sensitive skin on the way up towards Shawn’s hole. Shawn let out a surprised groan followed by a squealing sound.

Niall smiled against Shawn’s most private area as his tongue made contact with the wrinkled skin of Shawn’s back opening for the first time. “Ahhh fuck, shit Niall” Shawn let out in what could only be described as a whine. Getting that response from Shawn only made Niall smile wider. Feeling a little bolder now Niall swiped his tongue more confident against Shawn’s pucker.

Shawn’s hole fluttered against his tongue making Niall want to just throw caution to the wind and plunge in. He had been a bit unsure if he would like it but as with everything else they had done so far it turned out that as long as it was with Shawn he loved it.

The taste, it was all Shawn. The underlying taste he got when they kissed deeply, the taste he had been subjected to briefly when he had his mouth on his prick. It was the same but so much heavier like this, it went straight to Niall’s dick making it throb with excitement. It would get its action in time.

He dug his fingers in a little deeper, because he could and he knew that Shawn wouldn’t be opposed to a little rough play. He hoped his fingers would leave some marks, seeing imprints from his fingers on Shawn’s arse would be an extremely big turn on.

Niall circled Shawn’s hole with his tongue a few times to tease his boyfriend, Shawn was making small keening noises as he became more and more affected and worked up by Niall’s ministrations. After one last swipe of the tongue Niall could feel how the outer ring of muscle had started to relax so he went for it and slipped his wet muscle inside of Shawn’s wanting and greedy hole.

It was warm and tight and Niall couldn’t wait to get his cock to replace his tongue. The walls of Shawn’s channel were massaging his tongue as it was making its way deeper into the willing body.

He didn’t stop pushing forward before his tongue got as far into Shawn as it possibly could and his face was flush against Shawn’s heated skin. Niall had a little stubble which would probably leave behind some raw skin, a beard burn. That though made Niall groan with his tongue showed deep within his lover, just the thought of Shawn’s arse all red, sore and used was making him salivate and his untouched cock weep.

After only a second or so after Niall had breached him Shawn started to move his hips, humping and fucking himself on Niall’s tongue, desperate for every inch that Niall had to give him. Niall would have _nothing_ of that though, he was the one that would decide exactly what and when Shawn would get what he so clearly desired. He was the one calling the shots, Niall would give only what he wanted Shawn to have and when he thought it appropriate. Shawn would take whatever Niall would give him, not take what he wanted for himself.

Niall resolutely moved his hands, from where he was digging his fingers in Shawn’s cheeks, to his hips to effectively still Shawn’s movements. By doing this he was showing Shawn who was the one in charge. Niall kept moving his tongue inside of Shawn but with a much slower pace than the one Shawn had fucked himself with, in response Shawn whined out of frustration.  

“More… please Niall” Shawn said a little strangled and almost sounding broken already. Niall being satisfied at having Shawn exactly where he wanted him, a begging stuttering mess, complied.

He fucked Shawn’s hole roughly with his tongue for a while before letting one of his fingers join in on pleasuring Shawn by abusing and stretching his arsehole. Shawn let out a surprised gasp at the added digit, the sound went straight to Niall’s cock which started to feel almost painful from being so hard but continuously ignored.

Before adding a second finger to the mix Niall added a little lube, even if his saliva was already working as a lubricant, it was always better to be safe rather than sorry. Niall wasn’t that impressed by the taste of the gel however and decided to concentrate on preparing Shawn with his fingers, getting him sufficiently stretched for what was to come.

He was about to add his pinkie as Niall wanted to make sure Shawn’s first time taking a cock up his arse would be an enjoyable experience filled with only pleasure and creating only good memories. Shawn stopped him however “I need… left side pocket of my bag, please just give it to me” Niall raised his eyebrows intrigued with what Shawn wanted, he withdrew his fingers reluctantly from Shawn’s passage.

In the side pocket of Shawn’s luggage was just an innocent looking bag. Niall brought it out and opened it when he had made his way back to the bed. Inside the bag was the dildo that Shawn had bought when in Japan and they had been on different sides of the planet. Niall was elated to finally be able to not only watch but also play.

“Ya brought your dildo” Shawn was blushing fiercely from where he was kneeling and watching Niall over his shoulder. “Yeah, uh I use it sometimes and well I’d hoped you would like to use it on me as well” he got a bit more confident as he spoke and it ended up being more of a plea than anything else.

Niall was sporting an almost feral grin as he got used to the feel of the dildo in his hands. It wasn’t as thick as he was but it would prepare him good for Niall’s erection. He had had a desire to get to be the one to use the plastic toy since he had seen Shawn use it on himself. Now he would get to and not only that but Shawn had all but begged him to do it. Niall was the luckiest bloke in the universe.

He was about to slather the dildo in loads of lube but Shawn made another request before he could do so. Shawn’s cheeks were flushed from both arousal and slight embarrassment because of what he was about to ask for. “I’m already wet Niall… please, make it a little rough. I want to feel it” Niall was definitely not going to argue with him. The last thing he wanted to do was risk hurting Shawn but Shawn knew his body the best and if he thought he could take the toy dry Niall had to trust his judgement. After his tongue and three fingers Shawn had to be prepared enough that it should burn but hopefully not be all that painful.

Shawn’s hole was clenching as if in search of something to grab hold of and bring inside, as if it needed to have something to devour. Niall couldn’t divert his eyes and was staring at Shawn’s opening, he was unable to hold back from giving that greedy hole what it so clearly and desperately wanted.

He’s set out to insert it gently, with care and caution but when the head of the toy got sucked in by Shawn’s body with almost no added pressure and an indecent slurp he couldn’t do anything else than bring it home with one single thrust. The sudden penetration made Shawn bow his head down and Niall could also see how his cock throbbed under his body. A pearl of precum was gathered at the slit.

Niall was mesmerized with the picture Shawn was making, he stared fascinated at his now stuffed hole stretched around the dildo, the edge of his opening pink from exertion from being stretched. Knowing how tight that hole had been around Niall’s tongue and fingers it was astonishing how the small rose coloured opening had basically just devoured and made room for the plastic object. It fit like a hand in a glove and almost felt like it had been made to go there.

As Niall started to slowly move the dildo in and out of Shawn’s arse the noises coming out of the submissive boy had been turned into whimpers and mewls. Shawn was so eager for it, Niall was keeping the fucking pace even and gentle however which was slowly but surely driving Shawn insane.

“Ugh please” Shawn pleaded with a whine in his voice which made Niall smirk slightly, Shawn was completely and utterly under his mercy reduced to a begging mess. “Please what love?” he couldn’t help but ask teasingly. Keeping the thrusts gentle was making him go mad as well though as all he really wanted to do was to use Shawn _hard_ and make him scream. The end result he was after would be worth this torture though.

“Please right there… ahhhh harder” Shawn tried to buck his hips to meet the thrusts to be able to effectively impale himself faster and rougher on the dildo than what Niall was giving him.

Niall had other plans though and would have nothing of Shawn’s deviance. So instead of giving it to him harder as Shawn wanted he stopped moving the dildo entirely which made Shawn whine louder out of frustration of not getting enough of what he was craving. He got Niall’s memo though and stilled his hips sufficiently chastised for trying to take control. Niall smiled and had a strange urge to pat Shawn on the head and tell him what a good boy he was being.  

Niall shook his head in bewilderment at himself and how he was trading waters of yet another kink. From calling Shawn a good boy it wouldn’t be farfetched for him to start calling Niall _daddy,_ he had no idea what that had come from. Niall could feel himself blush at his own thoughts happy Shawn didn’t know what his mind had wandered, never in his wildest dreams had he ever even imagined that he would ever consider being that kinky. Going there felt almost natural in the position they were in and with the power balance between them.

He wasn’t about to go there though as he had no idea how Shawn would react. And he didn’t think they were ready for something like that either. It was something else to talk about though and maybe if they were both into the idea it could be something they could explore in the future. Maybe, he wasn’t even sure he wanted to make his thoughts into reality. Some fantasies or spur of the moment urges wasn’t supposed to be more than just that, fantasies.

He focused back on Shawn who was still panting under him still as a statue not moving an inch. Such a good boy, even if he wouldn’t say it he admitted that thinking of Shawn like that was a huge turn on. Good boys deserved rewards and Niall would give Shawn what he desperately wanted.

He thrust in hard a few times making Shawn gasp and brace himself tightening his hold of the headboard which was shaking slightly from the force of Shawn’s fucking. Niall even reached one of his hands down under Shawn’s body and stroked Shawn’s cock for a few seconds, smearing his precum all over his shaft.

It didn’t take long before he felt Shawn’s balls start to draw up and Niall could see on Shawn’s face that he would come any minute now, he would have if Niall had let him that is. He went back to gentler thrust and clamped his hand down tight right around the base off Shawn’s prick. He could make Shawn come twice but he wanted to drag it out and have him come when Niall was inside him and not before. He had heard edging could also be very pleasurable, that bringing someone to edge just to rail them back in could make the orgasm so much more powerful when brought back and over the edge.

Shawn looked almost out of it and as if he was close to break. Niall was amazed that he was the reason for the state he was in, how he was able to manipulate Shawn’s body so easily. Shawn was gaping and blinked before almost squeaking out “what… why?” so earnestly confused as to why he hadn’t just had the orgasm of his life.

Niall looked at him fondly chuckling before he lowered his head and kissing Shawn on the temple before he whispered in his ear “you’re not coming before I’m deep inside ya” to which Shawn just let out a deep moan. Niall smirked, he wanted to keep this going forever but he wasn’t strong or patient enough. He could keep fucking Shawn with the dildo and bring him close over and over again without letting him get the much sought after release. Niall couldn’t wait though, his own cock wanting to get in on the action. He had dragged it out long enough and they had all their lives to tease and torture long into the night. Just not tonight.

This was their first time and Niall couldn’t wait a minute longer. Seemed like Shawn had similar thoughts as he turned his head so that he could kiss Niall, sweet but fiercely. “Fuck me please Niall, I need _you_.” Niall nodded they needed each other.

Niall not trusting himself to speak nudged Shawn so that he was on his back instead of kneeling facing the bed frame. He wanted to be able to look into Shawn’s eyes as he entered him for the first time. This was a moment that he knew he would remember forever.

The atmosphere seemed to shift with the movement of their bodies, Niall’s focus was entirely on Shawn and he didn’t hear or see anything else. From being led by instinct and desire the only thing guiding them now was emotion, pure and pulsing from within.

Shawn was wearing an expression of pure awe, Niall was sure that the expression on his own face was a mirror image of Shawn’s. As they looked eyes he knew that he would never be able to be with anyone else, Shawn was the only one that would ever be able to satisfy him ever again.

Niall had had sex before but he had never felt like this, never even felt close to this. He had never been with anyone to which he shared a connection as the one he shared with Shawn. This wasn’t just the first time for them or the first time they engaged in anal sex, this was the first time love was leading the way. The love they shared being so much stronger than any desire could ever be.

This was what people talked about when they said that love could be all consuming that you could drown in it and feeling like you were floating. It was almost like an out of body experience.

They had started the night out like animals just going for the prize of receiving pleasure. Niall being slightly worried it wouldn’t be romantic enough, he had worried all for nothing as this was the most romantic moment of his life so far. Gazing down into Shawn’s eyes seeing all the love he felt reflected right back at him and enveloping them.

Shawn was still holding on to the headboard though and that wouldn’t do. He didn’t want to break the spell however and hoped Shawn would understand as he just glanced up before returning his eyes to Shawn’s. Shawn gave a small smile and his lips opened in a silent groan.

He was so lost in the moment and in Shawn that he almost forgot about a condom. Shawn didn’t say anything as he clumsily knocked the lamp shade askew as he rummaged at the bed side table for the package he had laid out in preparation. He just didn’t want to look way from those swirling brown eyes, now darkened to the colour of a perfectly brewed tea.

Niall opened the package with his teeth before expertly putting it on. Even if this was a first time in many ways he was glad it wasn’t actually his first time having sex. It felt like all his earlier experiences was just in preparation for this, it was just so that he would be more prepared and confident. Just to be able to make this experience perfect.

Shawn smiled and brought up his legs to give Niall better access. To Niall’s pleasure he also let go of the headboard to be able to embrace Niall. Niall swallowed and caressed Shawn’s cheek and felt Shawn’s fingers stroke him on small of his back as if gently nudging him and telling him to move in and take what was his to claim. His to deflower.

Without breaking the eye contact he moved in and just like with the dildo it was like Shawn’s body drew him in. Like it wanted him there and wouldn’t let him go. Like he was meant to fit there. As he went he kept looking at Shawn’s face looking for any discomfort, but he could not see anything other than amazement and love.

He had thought he wanted to hear Shawn scream. They were both silent expect from a few moans and groans but looking into Shawn’s eyes it felt like they were screaming from the top of their lungs. The emotion shining from them were louder than any words could ever be, the love and devotion was so clear and Shawn was more open and vulnerable than he had ever seen him before.

He started to move inside and Shawn closed his eyes for a second and when he opened them again there was a sheen to them. He could feel himself becoming choked up. Shawn was holding on to him tight and Niall felt as if he was able to see straight into the other one’s heart, as if he had pealed away all the layers and saw his core, as if he saw all of Shawn’s inner beauty.

By deflowering Shawn he was making him open up and spread his petals for Niall to admire, he was blooming right in front of his eyes. It was the most beautiful spring awakening he had ever seen and he would never let it wither, Shawn and their love would always blossom.

He couldn’t stop himself from uttering a “beautiful” and lean down to kiss Shawn. He moved until he saw Shawn’s eyes flutter and he bucked slightly off the bed. It was the most erotic scene. He kept Shawn feeling too much. His neck was inviting but Niall having enough sense to know he just couldn’t mark Shawn so openly settled for small kisses down the exposed skin.

Niall could feel himself getting close and thrust a few more times harder than before making Shawn trash on the bed, enjoying the pulses of pleasure combined with slight stings of being just on the verge off too much.

Niall was contemplating if he should come inside the condom or if he should pull out to be able to come over Shawn. Shawn seeming to be able to read his mind puffed out “come in me… Niall, I please” Niall was about to protest as they hadn’t talked about this but Shawn wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t safe.

Wanting nothing more than to fill Shawn up and mark him with his essence from the inside he pulled out and hastily devised himself of the condom before sinking inside Shawn again without the barrier between them. They both moaned feeling each other in the most intimate way possible.

Niall couldn’t tell how long they just stared into each other’s eyes moving together, it felt like a small eternity as well as just a moment frozen in time. As if they were in a different dimension moving at a different pace than the rest of the world outside of their embrace.

As if just knowing when they both were at the edge Niall brought his hand to Shawn’s prick at the same time as Shawn brought his hand to the back of Niall’s head to lower him down so that they could connect in a kiss.

They kissed right through their orgasms, swallowing each other’s pleasure and sharing so much more than just a moment, just an experience.

Niall brought himself up on his elbows panting heavily from exertion and lack of oxygen. He looked down at Shawn and felt a powerful surge of something. He had never felt something so overwhelmingly all-consuming before. “Oh Shawn” he said letting out a breath and Shawn smiled contently at him nodding.  

“Niall I, we…” Shawn trailed off and Niall feeling his arms starting to give away let himself slip out of Shawn’s body and rolled to the side. Shawn put his head on Niall’s shoulder and found one of his hands entwining their fingers together.

Niall smiled up at the ceiling, he knew what Shawn was trying to say but couldn’t. He couldn’t either, the feelings were so strong that it was hard to know how to put them into words but he could tell they were both feeling it. He just embraces Shawn and held him a little tighter “I know love, I know” reassuring Shawn that he didn’t need to say it for Niall to understand.

He could feel Shawn smile against his shoulder and if he wasn’t mistaken he could also feel some moistness hitting his skin. “I love you” Shawn choked out and Niall had a hard time getting out his response because his love for Shawn which was taking over every fiber of his being “love you more than ya will ever know.”

They didn’t say anything else after that just laying there holding each other. The light was still on in the room but Niall couldn’t care less, the last thing he wanted to do was get up from their bed and having to let Shawn go for even just a few seconds. He didn’t think he would be able to sleep any time soon, even if he was exhausted he was also full of energy at the same time. He would be content though laying there holding Shawn through the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys ♥️
> 
> Sorry for the long wait. I went on vacation (saw Shawn at Sziget in Hungary which was insanely amazing!!!) and then I got sick when I got home so even when I wanted to write I just didn't have the energy ): 
> 
> Hope this chapter was worth the wait. It became quite long but I didn't feel like cutting it in two.  
> THEY FINALLY DID IT!!! I always feel so nervous when posting these explicit chapters. Was it as you had imagined their first time? Hope I got the balance between hotness and emotion just right??!
> 
> As for canon trivia there isn't much. Except that Shawn did tweet a quote from the song Wouldn't Mean A Thing by Bruno Major a while back.  
> It's a great song and the lyrics, fits perfect for my Shiall (:  
> If you haven't heard it before take a listen https://open.spotify.com/album/4IMTAcBCq5UbqhpWmFbDPi
> 
> Until next time, all the love ♥️♥️♥️


	45. At Stormy Sea and in a Cup of Tea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shawn can't sleep as he is emotionally overwhelmed. He and Niall stay up through the night making music.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought I better apologies before I let you read this chapter.  
> Shawn and Niall are really great song writers and sadly I'm really not. I wanted to include some lyrics though and to fit the plot I felt like I needed to write them especially for this instead of taking some already exciting lyrics. So I'm really sorry Niall for writing abysmal lyrics for you, I did my best. With that said I hope you will enjoy the new chapter (:

**Chapter 45: At Stormy Sea and in a Cup of Tea**

Shawn closed his eyes and drew in a deep breath through his nose, his head was resting on Niall’s chest where it meets the shoulder on the muscle just under his collarbone. Everything was Niall and he didn’t want to have it any other way. He felt completely surrounded by his lover, his arms embracing him, his smell taking over his nostrils, his heartbeat pounding under his ear and some of his come still deep inside of Shawn.

He flushed at his own thoughts and the feeling of Niall’s essence running down his inner thigh, they had really just gone all the way. Shawn had thought that it would be a really big deal to lose his ass virginity, to give himself and his body over so completely to someone else. And it had been, he had so many feelings and emotions swirling around in his head making it buzz and his heart beating a little harder in his chest. This night would be something he would always have with him, a memory to cherish forever.

He had thought that it would be a big deal because of that it was his first time having anal sex, his first time bottoming, his first time going all the way gay in the bedroom, but now Shawn realized that wasn’t the reason it had been so special. That hadn’t been the reason at all.

It had been a big life changing moment, a special experience _only_ because it had been with Niall. Because of how strong their feelings were for each other, because of the bond that they shared. Because of their love and nothing else. It could have been his hundredth time having sex with a guy and it would have been just as big as it had been now being his first time. He would have still been swamped with all the emotion and felt the almost electrical connection as they had held eye contact while being united so intimately.

_That_ was what had made it such a big deal. Everything else hadn’t been a factor not really, maybe he’d been a little bit extra nervous as he was opening himself up in a way he never had before but the act itself, it had almost felt too natural. Like the most logical next step for them to take in their physical exploration and expression of their love.

He didn’t know if he would say that he liked gay sex better than sex with girls, but he could safely say that he loved sex with Niall more than any other sexual experience he had ever had. Sex with Niall wasn’t something that could even be compared with what he had done previously, it was in a whole other league all on its own. Shawn chuckled a little as he thought of how he had heard people say that someone had ruined them for anyone else. Niall had managed to do just that, Shawn was ruined, not that it mattered as he planned to never be with anyone but Niall ever again. 

Niall brought a hand to the nape of his neck playing with his hair, Shawn smiled into his chest. It wasn’t just the sex or what they had done before that, he blushed as it seemed their exploration had no boundaries but he couldn’t deny that he loved what they were doing, it was everything around it. How he was just entirely comfortable in Niall’s presence. How he didn’t care about showing vulnerability and could just let go and open up both sexually and emotionally, how he knew that Niall would take care of him when he needed him to. How he was able to let himself enjoy Niall taking what he wanted and _use_ him.

That was one way their love was shining through Shawn supposed, how he trusted Niall with everything without any hesitation. He wouldn’t have been able to give himself fully away like that with anyone else, wouldn’t be able to expose himself so completely. He only felt comfortable exposing his soul and giving over his body and his control to Niall and only because he loved him with everything he got. Niall had made it possible for Shawn to open up to a side of himself he hadn’t even acknowledged existed before.

Feeling overwhelmed by all the emotions swirling in his head and the content feeling in his heart he knew what he had to do. Rationally Shawn was aware that they probably should be trying to go to sleep but he wouldn’t be able to, there was no chance that he could just close his eyes, turning off everything he was feeling and experiencing inside, for the night. He could feel the familiar crackle of creativity in his limbs and his mind going a mile a minute.

Whenever he was feeling emotionally overwhelmed, his thoughts and feelings jumbled up inside his head and his heart, it was only one thing that helped calm his mind. He had to have an outlet. He wanted to make all these complex and complicated feelings make sense, express them and share them with people. He wanted to give people a piece of him and to explain his complicated feelings and experiences in a simple and clear way. He wasn’t a poet but to be able to convert the most complicated feelings into straight forward conversational lines in his music was very poetic to him. Keeping it real and true to himself was very important, there was no room for made up stories or feelings.

His fingers felt itchy with the need to just feel the strings under his pads and create a melody. Shawn felt so inspired, Niall and his feelings for him was so inspiring. He didn’t know exactly what he wanted to write but he knew he needed to create something with how full of inspiration he was. How he needed to create something with the man holding him in his arms, how he needed Niall by his side as he got what he was feeling down on paper.

Inspiration and bursts of creativity could hit you at the most peculiar of times. You just had to hold on and not let the moment slip away, it didn’t matter if it was in the middle of the night or if a lyric struck you unexpectedly while in the bathroom. Whenever it hit you had to explore the spark of inspiration and open up your heart and mind to be able to pour it out in your craft. It was times were Shawn had been unable to and later when he had wanted to go back and explore that spark it had been gone, he always regretted those times as he would never know what could have blossomed from that spark of inspiration.

Therefor Shawn couldn’t just close his eyes and sink into Niall’s warm embrace and just let it go, he had to catch the feeling and explore the spark of creativity their love had inspired in him.

He nuzzled against Niall’s skin before lifting his head a little to be able to look up at Niall. Shawn had got caught up in his head and Niall’s hand had stilled in his hair about ten minutes prior so Shawn was unsure if he had fallen asleep. He was about to ask gently but his words got stuck in his throat as he gazed up at Niall.

Niall was looking down at Shawn as he was looking up and their eyes instantly found each other. Several people that knew about them had commented on how they tended to stare in the other’s eyes so lovingly, how it was disgustingly sweet. Niall’s eyes were just so full of emotion and so expressive Shawn got lost in them. Niall was telling him so much through his gaze without even having to say a single word.

He felt love rolling over him in waves as he stared into Niall’s swirling blue eyes. They shone so bright with fondness and happy contentment it was almost blinding. Shawn swallowed and smiled through his own emotions hoping Niall was able to read as much through his own eyes as he could looking into Niall’s. He felt the same emotions as he had when their eyes had been connected as they united mere hours ago, just at a different intensity making it a bit like the serenity after an intense storm.

Niall smiled back down at him before nodding towards the door of their hotel room “ya want to drink that pint love? Don’t think we’ll be able to sleep anyway” Shawn blushed a little remembering he had come to the room with a couple of beers and some fries but that they had quickly been forgotten even before the door had fully closed behind him.

He nodded now though as it would be nice, drinking beer and writing music. He sat up and instantly missed Niall’s warmth as Niall went to get the beers from the dresser just inside of the door. Shawn also got up to fetch his guitar.

Niall returned with the beers but without the fries which were probably not salvageable as they had without a doubt turned soggy in addition to there being a fair amount of them littered all over the floor. Shawn wasn’t hungry anyway, as was most often the case when swarmed with emotions.

Niall handed Shawn one of the beers and looked at the guitar asking silently what Shawn had in mind “I though we could maybe write something” Shawn said a little nervous as he was afraid that Niall wouldn’t want to when Shawn _needed_ them to. Niall nodded though and sat down beside him after taking out his own guitar as well as some paper and pens. “I’d love to write with ya, lets create some more magic tonight” Shawn smiled and his heart swelled with the implication the addition of _more_ had brought. The night really had been magical this far and this could only add to that, capturing this perfect night and what it meant to them for eternity in a song.

**SHIALL**

Shawn sighed out of frustration and took a swing out of his third beer for the evening. He looked dismissively at all the balled-up papers around their feet on the floor. They had been trying to write something for hours now and they had gotten nowhere. They didn’t even have a concept or a specific sound, they had nothing.

The only thing they had managed to do was drink a few more beers than planned, thank god for room service all hours of the day. They even ended up writing a catchy little thing about drinking said beers. Which hadn’t been half bad really if he was being honest but it wasn’t what Shawn had wanted to write that night. They had also ended up having a few heated kisses and sharing a laugh more times than he could count. Which was all amazing and nice but not what he needed at the moment.

It was frustrating because Shawn wanted to really make something that was special musically out of tonight and what he was feeling. He wanted to create something special with Niall. He wanted to write something deep and meaningful something that they would be able to sing together which would make them feel and remember what they had been feeling earlier that night.

Sometimes it was hard to get what you where thinking and feeling out so maybe it was because he was feeling too much. His emotions being too big to be able to convey properly. Or maybe it was just hard because he didn’t have a clear concept, how much did he want to tell, how obvious did he want it to be that what he was singing was out of love for Niall or about them connecting on not only an emotional but also a sexual level. Did he want this to be the collaboration everyone was expecting them to make or just a song for themselves?

He wasn’t getting anything out because he was thinking too much. It didn’t matter what people would read into it or not. They could figure out if they wanted to release it or just keep it to themselves at a later date. They could write and sing a love song to each other while looking into each other eyes, they could. Even if it still felt far away and frightening they would be out as a couple to the world in not a so distant future and then they could sing not only with but to each other. They would be able to express their love on stage and in their lyrics directly if they wanted to do so.

They would be able to if they would manage to write anything at all together that was. Niall had been frowning for the last few minutes while biting on a pencil, Shawn wanted to kiss that frown off his face but also just admire him because he was really cute as he sat there immersed in his thoughts.

As if sensing that he was being watched Niall stopped biting his pen and staring at the paper in his hands, instead he looked straight at Shawn. Niall cocked his head to the side and then nodded his head as if deciding on what to do “I’m going to ask ya a question, please answer without thinking. Just say what you’re feeling” Shawn frowned but nodded all the same.

Niall smiled and motioned to the bed they were sitting on “what did you see, what did you _feel_ when we looked into each other’s eyes” he didn’t need to specify that he meant when they had been making love.

Shawn closed his eyes and saw Niall’s blazing blue eyes above him. Saw the deep shades being extra prominent from the arousal, the light flashing from excited anticipation like lightning from a darkened sky and the swirling of blue creating the perfect storm. The perfect love storm.

“I, I saw… a storm. Like I was swept off the ground and just lost in you, but it was okay because you were there. I felt like I was lost at a stormy sea, waves of emotion hitting me all at once. I don’t know I mean…” Niall was smiling widely and emotionally back at him. “No please continue” Shawn swallowed and nodded.

“I saw your love for me in swirls of blue” he choked a little because it was a lot, Niall’s love was so clear as so unconditional it was almost too much at times as he had a hard time believing he was deserving of all that devotion even if Niall made sure he knew he was every day.

“I felt our connection being rooted to the ground even if everything else was thrown into the storm and surrounding me until it felt as if I was falling all in you.” It was a good thing he was a little tipsy as talking and poring out your emotions were easier than if you were sober. Niall was looking at him as if he had just sung him a serenade.

Niall then took the pen he’s been biting on and frantically started to scribble something on the piece of paper he’d been staring on. Shawn absentmindedly took up his guitar again, his words to Niall still occupying his mind as he let his fingers move on their own accord and he strummed whatever came to mind.

He stopped when a few accords just stood out to him, he played the same accords again and then a third time. Niall laughed then and Shawn couldn’t help but laugh too, this was what he had been after. That feeling that you had found the exact essence of what you were feeling in a few notes or words. Niall tackled him in a hug and Shawn smiled into his neck.

“That’s beautiful” Niall whispered in his ear as they embraced. When they broke apart Shawn glanced down at the piece of paper that was still clutched in Niall’s hand. “What did you write?”

Niall looked down and shrugged “it’s not much but I mean maybe we could build something around it yeah?” Shawn was intrigued and took the paper from Niall eagerly when he handed it over.

 

_I look in your eyes and I feel lost at stormy sea_  
_You sweep me off of my feet, of off my feet_  
_I’m fine as long as you’re here with me_  
_I look in your eyes and I feel at home in a cup of tea_  
_In you I could drown so deep, drown so deep_  
_With you is where I was always meant to be_  
_I’ve found the one for me_

Shawn looked at Niall’s words and read the verse twice before a smile formed on his face. It was what he had been grasping for and he could imagine them singing something like this. Both singing to the other with each other. They were each other’s _the one_. One line stuck out to him though and he had to ask about it.

“I look in your eyes and feel at home in a cup of tea?” maybe Irish people were just as crazy about tea as the British people. Niall looked down and Shawn could see his cheeks taking on a pink hue which he adored. “It’s what I saw when looking in your eyes when I was about to breach you, you’re eyes were just the shade of a perfect cuppa exuding warmth and a homey feeling. I felt like I was drowning all in you.”

They were both such saps and Shawn couldn’t help but shake his head at how ridiculous they were. They saw each other’s love through storms and cups of tea. Somehow that was perfect though, the way they somehow were so different but yet the same and how they complimented each other and made the other better.

He couldn’t help but laugh though and make a joke on their expanse. “We’re really weird and so disgustingly in love, Louis would probably gag and make a grimace over how sickly sweet we’re being” Niall gave one of his room filling whole body laughs at that and Shawn couldn’t help but feel rather proud of himself. He loved making Niall laugh, knowing he was happy.

“Yeah we’re fools in love and there’s nothing to do about it I’m afraid so come here” Niall beckoned and Shawn leaned over and sank into Niall’s arms, bringing their foreheads together. The kiss that followed was exactly as sickly sweet as Shawn had joked about their interactions being. He didn’t mind though, being in love and connected on the level he felt for Niall was something he wished for everyone to get to experience as it was what life was all about.

They worked a little more on their song after that even if it was already just an hour or two until morning. They really had something here and Shawn felt excited about making this song with Niall and hopefully someday he would dare to share this aspect of his life and how much he truly loved Niall with the world. He realized that he wanted them to see how much Niall meant to him and even when coming out he knew nothing would show that better than them making this song and connecting on stage singing about how they felt in the moment while staring in each other’s eyes making love for the very first time.

As Niall made his way out of the room to brush his teeth Shawn looked around on the floor and picked up some of the rumpled pieces of paper that they had thrown down when nothing they wrote had connected with what they were feeling and their session hadn’t been making any headway. Shawn smoothed the papers out and looked at Niall’s handwriting and smiled at the rounded words which he would recognize anywhere, he found a paper with the exact words he wanted and put it in the pocket of his slacks. He wanted to use them to make another part of Niall a part of him forever.

They soon were ready to go back to bed for the second time that night, this time however they fell asleep within minutes. Shawn now at ease having created and shared some of his feelings and emotions. He had taken the same position as before with his head resting on Niall’s chest hearing his heartbeat thumping rhythmically under his ear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!!!
> 
> Hope you all have had a great week. Not much to say about this chapter except sorry again for trying to write song lyrics as it's not something I'm very good at. 
> 
> As for canon. They mostly just end up hanging out but once Shiall did actually write a song together but then forgot it after they drank a couple of beers xD I kept the drinking beers part but they wrote the song down so they won't forget (: 
> 
> Until next time, choose love ♥️♥️♥️


	46. There in the Morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shawn muses about morning afters as he wakes up in Niall's arms. Niall finally get them to talk about their sexual desires.

**Chapter 46: There in the Morning**

When Shawn woke up the next morning it was to the feeling of being cocooned in Niall’s warm embrace. The sun was faintly filtered through the almost fully closed curtains, it was already long into the morning. Shawn didn’t feel like getting up though, he didn’t feel like moving ever again. If he could he would have happily stayed in Niall’s arms forever.

It was so different waking up like this compared to other morning after experiences he had had before. Although Shawn was rather young he had still been around long enough to know how awkward it could be. He had had a few one night stands which he had seen off with a _see you later_ knowing that they would probably never see each other again.

Shawn had even had encounters where he had been optimistic, been sure that she had had a great time with him. Where he had been foolish enough to believe that it could lead to something more than just a fun night in bed together. Only to wake up the next morning alone in a cold and empty bed. Not even a phone number or a simple goodbye had been shared before she had just walked away. In his mind Shawn had already planned out for them to get to know each other a little over a nice breakfast, maybe even asking her out on a proper date. Instead reality had him waking up just to lay there staring at the ceiling wondering why she wasn’t there in the morning.

Shawn smiled for himself thinking it may be a good concept for a song. Experiences that was hard to swallow and made you feel things or left you revalue and think back on your decisions often made for good song topics. Shawn felt excitement bubble in his stomach as he could feel that more and more of his next album was taking form in his head.

With Niall it was so very different, not only because he was the furthest you could ever come from a one night stand. The furthest you could come from sex leading to something more. He and Niall had started off as friends even if there had always been something there between them. At the time Shawn hadn’t really realized or maybe he just hadn’t wanted to grasp what it was that he was feeling or how strong those feelings were or what they meant.

He had lost his virginity when he was sixteen. That time it had been more the novelty of the act, everything was new and exciting. He had been young and maybe not entirely ready but it was still an experience he didn’t regret. He hadn’t thought he would get to do that again and for it to mean so much more the second time around. Because this time it was with the right person, it wasn’t just the act itself that made it a novelty it was who he did it with. The sexual aspect of his and Niall’s relationship was new and exciting but it was so much more than just sex.

The saying about having your last first time was how Shawn felt about what they had done the night before. That didn’t mean they still didn’t have new firsts to discover together however, Shawn couldn’t help the blush that was taking over his face. Whenever he and Niall got hot and heavy together it seemed that you never knew what their desires might take them.

Shawn was happy things had happened the way they had. He had needed the time leading up to them having sex to ease into himself and finding his footing with the person he now knew he was. If they had tried to jump into a sexual relationship right away it would probably have scared him away and their first time wouldn’t have been as special as they wouldn’t have been as emotionally connected. Everything they did sexually seemed to come so naturally to the both of them and whenever they took another step it seemed to happen exactly at the right time when he could be open and receptive to such an experience.

Half the things he and Niall did in bed he would probably never have been brave enough to even try with anyone else though. He would never have had the courage to let himself let loose like that with someone else other than Niall. Niall made him feel secure and protected in a way no one else had ever made him feel. Niall was able to make him feel safe and because of that he was able to not hold anything back and let himself do what just felt right in the moment. Niall was able to make Shawn feel secure in himself sexually which was opening a door that had been firmly shut until now. Shawn could trust Niall unconditionally and was therefore able to open up completely and let himself lose control entirely.

Niall was able to protect Shawn from his insecurities and his own demons. He was able to protect him not only from what Shawn was afraid off in form of everyone around them and their opinions but he was also able to protect him from himself and the dark thoughts wanting to take over. Niall was his light in the end of the dark tunnel.

He had been through a lot over the last few months or even years really. Shawn had felt how he was slipping away and how everything around him had started to close in on him as of late. It wasn’t easy coming of age and growing into yourself. Shawn had always thought he knew who he was and what he wanted in life but meeting Niall had thrown all of that on its head. He was lucky however that he had discovered this side of himself with Niall by his side because otherwise he didn’t know if he would have made it out on the other side. He would probably still have been lost fumbling in the dark trying to find a way out if it wasn’t for Niall.

Maybe he would have gotten help to find the light and hold the demons at bay with the help of therapy and family. He was happy he would never have to find out. Just the thought of therapy scared him. To sit in front of a total stranger and share with them what you were thinking and feeling deep inside. Letting them peel down your layers and see more of you than what you let most people see. Shawn thought people going to therapy was very brave. Braver than him. As long as he had Niall he would be okay though. He knew that if he needed he could tell Niall anything and he would always listen.

Shawn knew that with Niall by his side he could overcome anything and even when he felt anxiety creep up on him he would be able to keep both feet on the ground knowing Niall would be there grounding him.

Niall was what made him want to wake up everyday and keep on moving forward. Niall was the life vest that kept him afloat when he felt like drowning, the parachute stopping his fall when he was plummeting through darkness, his rock, his safety net and his blanket. Shawn could go on forever, Niall was the one that would always be there for him when he needed someone. Niall was someone he could count on always being there for him.

He now had someone that he loved that would be there taking care of him, someone that would always be there in the mornings and he never again would need to wake up alone wondering _why_. Just knowing that made him feel settled and happy, having that security and feeling loved was what he needed. He burrowed himself a little deeper into Niall’s embrace to make sure that it was all real.

Change was a good thing. It could be overwhelming though to come to terms with and embrace who you really were. To not only accept but love all the different sides of yourself. Shawn had had his breakthrough at fifteen and in a way he had had to grow up too fast.

The music industry was amazing and he loved being a part of it but it was also hard being young and finding your own way, finding your voice. Being so young it was easy to be shaped and just go along with everything taking place without taking time to think about everything happening at lightning speed all around you. Shawn had never thought that he had let others tell him how to be or what to do, he had never thought that he had steered away from the path he wanted to take. On some level maybe he had though.

Having Niall which had been through the exact same thing in a way, having someone that had just recently taken time for himself to really figure out and come into the person he wanted to be. To be himself and not what was expected of him, to not play a role and fit into a mold that had been crafted for them to fulfill an image. When Shawn said Niall gave him advice in interviews he didn’t just mean musically but in life in general. Niall was helping him get to know and love himself. Shawn would forever be grateful.

He was starting to come into himself and liking the man he was becoming. The man he wanted to be and not the person others wished he played. The man that would stand proudly by Niall’s side and tell the world that he loved him without being fearful or apologetic. Maybe he wasn’t there quite yet but the fact that he felt like he was getting there was still a huge accomplishment.

Niall just being there and showing that he had no intentions of leaving or letting him go meant more to Shawn than he would ever be able to express. Niall had not only opened a new door to let light shine in and make him see himself for who he had always been deep inside. Niall was Shawn’s saving grace, the one that brought him back to the present when despair wanted to consume him. Niall was able to show him how much he had to live for, how much fight there was in him to be the man that they both deserved.

Shawn would surely have bad days, days when the dark thoughts and anxiety would creep up on him when he least expected it. Days he wondered if he would have the energy to get up and get through the day with a smile on his face. With Niall by his side though he was sure that he was going to get through this tough period in his life and that he would get out happier on the other side. He was not someone that ever gave up and Niall made that spark in him catch on fire.

As long as Shawn would have Niall’s arms to crawl in between at night with the knowledge that he would wake up with the other boy there in the morning he had nothing to fear. Nothing that he wouldn’t be able to overcome on the road ahead of him.

Shawn sighed in contentment and wondered if he should turn around and show Niall how happy he was to wake up this morning in the other’s arms. Maybe they could just spend the morning in bed together simply enjoying each other’s company and bodies. He could feel Niall’s morning wood against the small of his back.

They wouldn’t get into anything like last night but it would be nice just fooling around a little and being close like that. Shawn could feel himself stirring at the thought, Niall could maybe finally get the chance to suck him off. Shawn shivered at the idea.

In the end he decided against it though as nice it would be to turn over and wake Niall up with a kiss he knew they would have countless more mornings like this where they could do whatever they wanted. This morning however Shawn was perfectly content with just taking in the fact that he was in the arms of the person he loved and that Niall was there to stay. That for the unforeseeable future he had a place where he truly belonged, a safe haven where he could feel like everything was possible and no fear or insecurities about the world at large could reach him.

He wasn’t ready to move and leave the sanctuary Niall was creating for him. He wanted to just bask in having someone being there for him without any conditions or expectations. Shawn leaned a little heavier back into Niall’s chest the other man unconsciously tightening his arms around him.

Shawn smiled totally at ease and feeling the most at peace and content with where he was in his life that he had ever felt. It was as if the stars had aligned and he could finally see the whole constellation which spelled out a clear image. He had finally found his place in this world. Shawn buried himself impossible deeper in Niall’s embrace and closed his eyes, he was asleep again within less than a minute being the most relaxed he had been in a long time.

His body was fitted perfectly against Niall’s with their body heat shared and their breathing in synch. Their chests moving as one. Shawn’s mind was for once at total ease and serenity filled with only warmth and light. He was at harmony with himself and the world around him and right now sleeping soundly in Niall’s arms no dark thoughts or mental demons could come close.

**SHIALL**

When Niall finally stirred awake an hour or so later it was already close to midday. Niall groaned inwards as he noticed the time, even though they had been up most of the night composing a song and drinking beer he had hoped he wouldn’t have slept the whole day away. He had hoped that he would be able to have a nice romantic day in with Shawn. Just cuddling and being lazy together, watching a movie that they probably wouldn’t watch all that much in favor of snogging, he chuckled at how much like horny high school teenagers they were behaving like.

As they hadn’t had anything date like last night before they made love he had hoped they could have had something chill and intimate this morning instead. There was not enough time now however but just having a few quiet minutes holding a sleeping Shawn in his arms made Niall feel like he didn’t need anything else. Just this was all he needed to feel happy an complete.

There would definitely be more days with opportunities to take Shawn out or stay in and do something date like during the coming months. Maybe it wouldn’t be so easy going out and be romantic as long as they weren’t out but Niall was determined to figure something out and make it work.

As for now they still had almost two hours before they needed to leave for the airport. It was enough time to make themselves ready and have some time to talk. Niall knew the conversation was really over due and even if it would probably be very uncomfortable it was something that _needed_ to be done. 

Niall squeezed Shawn a little and kissed him on his temple before he wriggled out of bed. He didn’t want to wake Shawn up before he had to, he probably needed all the sleep he could get. So Niall decided he would get the first shower. He looked back at Shawn buried under the covers of their bed and smiled at how his boyfriend’s hair was all rumpled and how cute and innocent he was looking. Niall blushed thinking of how he knew how not innocent Shawn could be. And that was exactly why they needed to talk.

He’d woken up with morning wood and thought about taking care of it in the shower but decided to wait until Shawn could help him instead. Not coming on his own would just make the anticipation rise for their next time together. So instead he took a cold shower and tried thinking of something undesirable, it was hard though knowing that Shawn was laying naked on the bed just on the other side of the thin wall.

He was just toweling his head when he heard a sleepy voice sounding a little disoriented and distraught “Niall… Where are you?” Niall frowned and hurried up so that he could leave the bathroom and join Shawn.

“I’m right here love, just took a shower. It’s almost midday already ya know” Niall said and saw how Shawn visibly relaxed and let out a relived sigh. His frown deepened, had Shawn been worried he wouldn’t be here. If Niall would have had to leave he would have left a note telling Shawn where he was. He would _never_ just leave him and Niall hoped Shawn knew that.

Shawn swallowed and they looked eyes and Niall felt himself flush just a little as he realized he had rushed out of the bathroom at Shawn’s troubled tone. He was standing in the room butt naked and still slightly wet. Shawn bit his lip seeming to realize the same thing then he lifted the comforter showing a thigh and patting the bed beside himself inviting Niall back to join him.

Niall was very tempted to just ignore that they needed to talk and join Shawn and let them have this hour just for their enjoyment but he knew that would be very irresponsible. When Niall didn’t move Shawn tilted his head and looked away “I’m sorry for worrying you and making you rush out here, I just missed your warmth and I… um I don’t like waking up alone” Niall nodded. Fuck it, he could join Shawn and just hold him for a few minutes reassuring his lover and not get carried away. Shawn needed him.

He made his way back to the bed and crawled back under the covers chuckling “I’ll probably chill ya to the bone. I’ll _always_ be here for ya Shawny boy” he choose to take the light way and not going into an emotional conversation but still making it clear to Shawn that he had nothing to worry about.

Shawn made a noise of contentment and Niall was happy to note that he didn’t comment on the nickname Niall had slipped in. Niall embraced him in his arms just a little bit tighter than was probably necessary. Shawn shivered slightly as Niall was cold from the shower he had just taken but he still buried himself as close as he could to Niall’s body tangling their legs together. Niall kissed Shawn on his forehead and smiled at how Shawn was a bit like a koala bear. It felt great to feel loved and needed like this, to be the one that was the protector, the one someone turned to for comfort.

He hadn’t ever really had that role before. When in One Direction even if Harry had been the youngest he and Louis had been the smaller ones and they had often been seen as more delicate in a way, at least for the last few years. Shawn was taller and had more muscles, but he was still the one that Niall had taken under his wing instead of the other way around. They took care of each other but Niall was the one that carried Shawn most of the time and Niall liked that. He had no doubt though that if he needed Shawn to carry him he would do so without question and that was all Niall needed to know.

Niall felt Shawn kissing his chest “I love this, wish we could just lay in bed all day” Niall couldn’t agree more but knew that was a faraway dream. Someday when they had moved in together and was on a hiatus they would be able to have days like that though and Niall really couldn’t wait. “Yeah me too love, someday…” Shawn nodded and lifted his head so that he could look at Niall smiling a sleepy but brilliant smile.

Niall was unable to not kiss him. Shawn was irresistible any time of the day but Shawn in the mornings was even more so if that was even possible. He was a combination of utterly adorable and sexy which was driving him crazy. Shawn responded to the kiss and he could tell none of them would really start anything heavy. Niall put one hand in Shawn’s hair as they kissed lazily which seemed to be what they both craved, Shawn still tasted faintly of beer and Niall couldn’t get enough of the combination of the bitter tang together with the taste that was unmistakably Shawn.

It wasn’t long before he felt his prick wake up again even if they hadn’t done more than kiss effortlessly. He knew he had to stop now if he wanted them to talk seriously at all today. He reluctantly let Shawn’s mouth go and pecked him one last time on his lips before nodding to a small table by the wall under the mirror. “I saw a kettle and some tea bags when arriving here yesterday, ya want a cup?” Shawn blinked at the seemingly random question but nodded and let Niall get out of the bed.

He made his way over to his luggage and fished out a pair of clean underwear, he wouldn’t have this conversation in the nude. Even if it was about sex, it was an important and serious conversation. He busied himself making the tea and could feel Shawn watching him from the bed. He was distracting himself from Shawn to gather his thoughts and decide how exactly to get this conversation started.

When he couldn’t stall anymore he took on of the cups to Shawn who was now sitting up in the bed against a few of the pillows. Shawn took the cup gratefully smiling a little but frowned when Niall turned back and walked to the opposite end of the bed before taking a seat on the edge. “Why are you sitting so far away?” Niall’s heart made a leap as he noticed how Shawn had piled two pillows up next to him as well for Niall to lean against no doubt. He needed the distance though.

“Well I don’t want to be distracted which I most definitely would being close to you” Shawn looked confused and Niall sighed scratching his head with the hand not holding the tea cup. “We should talk. It’s rather important and well I need some distance so I don’t get side tracked by ya and we end up just cuddling.” Niall said that a little sheepishly and then cursed when Shawn looked alarmed “it’s nothing bad” he hastily added as he remembered Shawn having a small panic attack a while back when he had said that they needed to talk.

He shook his head cursing at himself. He had really gotten this conversation off to a great start. Shawn seemed to believe him even if Niall could see that he was a little apprehensive. He took a deep breath and took a sip of tea calming his nerves. He had never imagined that he would ever have a conversation like this with a partner but here he was.

“Eh our sex life… I mean we seem to have some well kinks and yeah we should talk about that” he grimaced as it hadn’t come out at all confident but instead he had stammered and spluttered through the sentence. He knew what they did was nothing to be ashamed off and he _loved_ all of it but it was still a little weird talking about it.

He looked at Shawn who had his mouth slightly open and his eyes were wide. He had definitely not seen Niall bringing that up it seemed. “Eh why? I mean we both like what we do right, so we just do what comes naturally so we don’t really need to talk about it at all” Niall shook his head he could understand that Shawn wanted to get out of this conversation but there was no other way. He would not keep doing more and more stuff without knowing what exactly they both wanted. “You do like it right?” Shawn asked now sounding very unsure and Niall closed his yes realizing that shaking his head had been stupid.

“Yes, I _love_ it. We still need to talk about it though. What if I do something you don’t like, if this is awkward that situation would be a hundred times worse. We have to tell each other our likes and dislikes and what our boundaries are” Shawn wasn’t looking at him and Niall wanted to take him in his arms and just make him comfortable. Make him look in his eyes and see that he could tell him anything and Niall would never judge him for what he wanted. “You can tell me whatever and if I don’t fancy it I’ll just say so, I won’t think you’re weird. If ya don’t ask though there’s no way I’ll know ya want it.”

He could tell he would have to nudge Shawn along and that he wouldn’t just start telling him his sexual desires. “Eh I can tell ya like to be um” if he said dominated Shawn would probably shy away “give away control and I like to have control” Shawn nodded. Niall powered on and licked his lips “we could play with that, would ya like to be blindfolded or what about bondage?” not that it was much different from Shawn holding onto the headboard until Niall said he could let go. The thought of actual bondage and having Shawn physical _unable_ to let go was beyond hot though and made goosebumps appear on Niall’s arms.

Shawn was blushing fiercely “I, yeah” was all he said and Niall didn’t know if he wanted to laugh or cry at how embarrassed Shawn was. It was equally frustrating and adorable how he seemed totally at easy doing these things in bed but when they weren’t in the middle of shagging he was super shy about it.

“What about exhibition, you like that too right and I think it’s hot” he hoped Shawn would not say he wanted an audience or like an orgy though as Niall was not up for that as he was a bit possessive but there were other things they could do.

Shawn swallowed “It’s thrilling the danger of it all” Niall nodded and smiled at Shawn for being able to give more than a nod or a one word answer. “Obviously we can’t really do anything where paparazzi could see but well we could still do it outside or well maybe take private pictures like the ones we sent but well on the both of us.”

Shawn was biting his lips hard and Niall could tell he had something he wanted to say but held back and that wouldn’t do. He needed Shawn to open up even if he thought it was too weird or too much, Niall was certain that it wasn’t and he was more adventurous than most people gave him credit for.

“Please Shawn tell me what you’re thinking, don’t hold anything back” Shawn looked unsure but nodded after a few tense seconds “maybe we could do a ugh video” Niall raised an eyebrow. He could see the appeal, a sex tape would be hot and it could be something they had for when being separated and in different time zones. Instead of watching normal porn they could watch themselves. He wasn’t sure if it was smart though, if something like that leaked. He didn’t even want to think about the consequences.

Shawn seemed to take his silence as confirmation that he was against the idea and looked away again looking ashamed for even bringing it up which was not at all what Niall wanted. He sat his now half cold cup of tea on the small table beside the kettle before he settled himself a little closer to Shawn and took hold of his hands.

Shawn looked up and Niall’s heart constricted at how uncertain Shawn looked “I’m not against it, I quite like it actually. I’m just concerned about it getting in the wrong hands, pictures is rather risky as it is” Shawn nodded in understanding looking down at their joined hands and worrying his lower lip between his teeth.

Niall wouldn’t say it as Shawn maybe would see that as pressure but doing something like that before they were publicly out was not something he was going to even consider, being outed through a sex tape would be the worst possible scenario and he would never risk that happening.

Shawn looked at him again “I like when you’re rough, a little pain gives me pleasure. I, well I like when you” here he hesitated before sighing “when you order me around and even humiliate me a little, oh god” Shawn let go of Niall’s hand and brought his own up to hide his face.

Niall smiled feeling proud of Shawn to saying that much, he would take pity of him and help him a little “like when I come all over ya making a mess. When I decide when ya get to come” Shawn kept his hands over his face but nodded agreeing with Niall’s words. Niall smiled but then he frowned.

“I’m not sure about the pain thing though, I could never hurt you. I like tugging on your hair and wouldn’t mind some light biting and marking ya right up but…” Shawn brought his hands down. He looked at Niall with a small smile shaking his head as if exasperated “you’re so gentle with me. Asking if I’m sure and taking you’re sweet time” Niall could tell even if Shawn said it a little teasingly that he liked that Niall was gentle even if he also liked when he was rough.

Niall couldn’t really do it any other way, he loved Shawn and he was a gentle soul. He wouldn’t be able to just bulldoze over Shawn as if he was just using him for his own pleasure. He wanted and would use Shawn but he would do it gently.  Niall chuckled at himself as it was a rather ridiculous notion to use someone gently.

Niall suddenly realized something, if they did bondage and even a little of rough play they should probably have safe words. Another thing he had never thought that he would ever have to bring up with a lover. He was so far out of his comfort zone but with Shawn he was ready to go wherever their love and desires took them.

“Should we have safe words?” Shawn looked like he was thinking it over for a little while before resolutely shaking his head. “We don’t need them, would you ever keep going if I said _no_ or _stop_?” Niall felt offended that he even felt like he needed to ask that, of course he would never. “No, never…” he said a little affronted and then he couldn’t help but laugh because Shawn had made a good point. Shawn laughed too and Niall was relieved that the tense and uncomfortable air around them had dissipated.

“Just out of curiosity what would you choose as a safe word” Shawn frowned and shrugged. Niall smirked before answering his own question “I have the perfect sentence, _póg mo thóin_ ” Shawn just looked at him without apprehension.

“Say it” Niall moved a little closer nudging Shawn with his shoulder but Shawn’s frown only deepened “no, what does it mean? It is something bad?” Niall grinned at him “just say it” to which Shawn shook his head. “Not before you tell me what it means” Niall laughed “suit yourself, if you had said it I’d may have just done as you said” Shawn raised his eyebrows “just tell me.”

Niall winked at Shawn and chuckled before saying in his most seductive tone “I think it sounds rather romantic yeah. _póg mo thóin_ it’s Gaelic for _kiss my arse_ ” Shawn burst out laughing. Niall smirked rather satisfied, feeling pretty proud of himself. Making Shawn laugh like that was always a great achievement. Shawn looked at him with this look in his eyes which made Niall shiver “I quite liked you kissing my ass last night” to which Niall groaned because yeah he quite liked doing the kissing as well.

Shawn dropped the sexy look in favor for more laughing “pretty bad for a safe word though, I mean shouldn’t it be something random and not sexy or suggestive” he shook his head making Niall grin even wider. “Enough talking” he concluded and tackled Shawn to the bed.

Shawn still had to shower and they had to pack their stuff which would take some time not least because there were clothes strewn about everywhere in the small room. They would have to be ready and down in the lobby in about 45 minutes to meet Andrew before their departure so they couldn’t get up to anything. If they did though and would be late maybe Andrew would come looking for them and there was a chance that Shawn would be into that. Niall shook his head at his silly thoughts and instead just cuddled with Shawn, they could just lay there together for a few minutes before getting back to reality.

There was still a few things they hadn’t talked about like if Shawn would be interested in more sex toys than the dildo he had or if he would like to explore the daddy kink that had surprisingly sneaked up on Niall the night before. That was things they could talk about later though, for now they were covered and most importantly Niall thought Shawn knew that whatever it was he could always bring it up and they would discuss it together.

They laid there holding each other for about ten minutes and then they had to rush to get everything ready on time. It was worth it though to have Shawn in his arms for just a few more minutes as now they had to go back to act as best friends until they reached the next hotel. Niall wished they had more alone time but he would be damned if he didn’t make the most of every minute that they did have. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all of you wonderful people ♥️
> 
> Firstly Shawn thinks about how he's struggling a bit with mental health in this chapter and I hope I did that part justice as I don't have much experience with it. 
> 
> Secondly I know some of you have looked forward to them having this conversation so I hoped you like it? (:
> 
> Thirdly there is quite a bit of canon in this chapter. As you can probably tell I got inspired by "Where Were You In The Morning? for the first part. There is also the tidbit about Shawn losing his virginity at 16 which he shared while playing a game in a radio interview in New Zealand. The "póg mo thóin" part was inspired by Niall jokingly saying it was the most romantic sentence in Gaelic and a fan later asked Shawn to repeat it but he refused as he didn't know what it meant xD
> 
> Some links.  
> The New Zealand interview (the game starts after 8 minutes): https://www.theedge.co.nz/home/shows/jay-jay--dom---randell/2017/11/jdr-chat-to-shawn-mendes-while-he-is-in-nz-.html  
> Niall's interview: https://twitter.com/seeingblind/status/921186688726110208/video/1  
> The fan and Shawn: https://twitter.com/showyousarah/status/929430498102870016
> 
> Hope you're having a great week, much love ♥️♥️♥️


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